We get into conversations about how to handle when people ghost and are non-committal to plans.
One of our hosts, Yue, spills about her dating experience that moved a little too fast. We get into conversations about how to handle when people ghost and are non-committal to plans.
S1E7 Dont Molly and Date
00:00:00 - 00:05:02
The Dateable podcast is an insider's look into modern dating that the Huffington post calls one of the top ten podcast about love and sex. On each episode, we'll talk to real daters about. From sex parties to sex droughts, date fails a diaper fetishes and first moves to first loves. I'm your host Yue Xu, former dating coach turned dating sociologists. You also hear from my co host and producer Julie Krafchick as we explored this crazy dateable world.
And i move so i loves. We are excited. You've join us for an older episode. While our earlier seasons were all about dating in san francisco we quickly realize all the themes. Learnings are universal for all daters so we shifted to covering dating from all around the world as the seasons progress. The fun part is things happen. I san francisco the tech and counterculture capital of the world. We love for you to keep tuning in to our older episodes. But there's no set order to listen in so feel free to jump to more. Recent seasons are relevant episodes for you. Enjoy the show. This episode of dateable is brought to you by five hundred brunches meet like minded people who share your interests over brunch. Everyone welcome to another episode of dateable. Show that opens up a candid conversation about dating in san francisco and today one of the people that will be speaking to. You is a wonderful wonderful dancing machine laughing giggling machine. ua high bound and our co host. Michael i guess giving me his views and opinions on my story very exciting. So on each episode we dissect a dating story today as a very special episode because the dating story comes from me. I'm already and i'm actually cited. Tell the story to get a male perspective. Because i know a lot of my female friends perspective. I feel like michael's going to give me a very interesting very interesting insights on this. I got you back. Got my back all right. So let's start with this again. I've told you guys. I haven't been in san francisco for that long and it's very hard to find a connection with someone at this stage in my life. It's just harder right so back in july. I like the guy that's been in a front group for a while. We never really like notice each other back in july. Somehow we made eye contact and sparks flew right. It was a very intense connection. We went on a first date and just very obvious from the get go that we were very much into each other now. The other part of the story is that there were drugs. Involved wars that connection was fabricated or induced. But anyway the connection felt very real and felt like. I always felt like i was in the moment with him. It went a little bit too fast too hot to to explosive and literally just exploded and dissipated so we stopped talking to each other. It's fine we. It was nothing like a blow up of just more like okay. That was just something very temporary felt very temporary so a few months go by fast forward and i haven't heard from him in a while and i've been thinking about him just because you know when you have intense connection with someone you always want to reminisce about it so at the same time. He texts me one day out of the blue after months of not talking. And he's like. I really miss hanging out with you. Let's grab a drink and in my mind. I'm like ooh maybe things could work out. You know and i can speak for most women when someone from your past comes back into your life. That is the first thing that you think of your like. Maybe things could be different this time around. Because you're thinking about him and he texted you around the fabricated. It's like i manifested it. That's my word all month. I manifested this right. So i was like really excited for our reunion of sorts. I haven't seen him in months. I was very excited. Just catch up with someone who really meant a lot to me. Even for a very short period of time you know like we make plans for sunday and this was like during the week so saturday rolls around. I don't hear from him to like solidify any plans for sunday. So i'm like okay. Maybe he'll just call me on sunday. We'll solidify plans so sunday night rolls around by now. It's like seven pm. And i'm like i'm hungry and i'm guessing we're not going to dinner so i make plans to go to dinner with my friend. We go to dinner. And it's like eight thirty by now and my friends like you should just text him. Ask him what's going on.
00:05:02 - 00:10:04
I finally text him. I'm like hey. I'm at dinner now. But what's going on tonight. I need to know and he texts back right away. He's like oh. I'm stuck in traffic and coming back from out of town. So it's gonna be really hard for me to meet up Let's reschedule. He actually did not say all those words. It was more like. I'm stuck in traffic. May have to reschedule. No other words for said are wondering if that point he was like just pissed being in traffic for so long right. I like to think that he may have been all right so I came good luck. Sunday go spy. Never hear from him monday by tuesday wednesday thursday friday. I'll whole fucking week goes by. I hate having someone else. Control my emotions and i really felt like my emotions were dependent on his actions for someone who wasn't even physically present in my life. How could he have so much control. I was really mad at myself. So i said i'm going to confront him. But my friend said you. I bet you anything that when people call each other out on their actions they say that's not right. That's a deal breaker. I don't want to see you. i don't want you in my life. But she goes. Have you ever thought about coming from a place of carrying. So she's like what have you worded it in a way that you care about him and you want him to improve himself because you see him at his full potential. So that's a very interesting point. Because i've never called tom. Someone out and said something nice about them. So i said. I'm going to take that to heart and i'm gonna use that advice very wise friend. I'm so glad. I had her over. So i texted him On saturday or sunday. I can't remember i. I was like clear-headed sober. No drugs are involved. And i wrote you know. Hey i just want to say this is coming from someone who really thinks positively of you and i really think that you have a lot of potential to be very lovely human being. I just feel like right now. You're not stepping up to who you could potentially be. And i think you're making decisions in your life without thinking about how it affects other people around you and your self sabotaging things that could be potentially good for you and i said the way you are today. It's not someone that i want. Even s an acquaintance. But i do wanna meet the future you someday. After wrote this text. I swear to you i felt like i lost one hundred pounds because i felt so much lighter in felt very mature to do something like that because usually i have my practice always in the way so that time. You're able to kind of set aside. You're set aside my pride and say i'm not cutting you out of my life. I actually would like to see you. Just not the way you are today. And and then i got a tax back and he said you know what that's really honest. I appreciate your opinion. And i respect your opinion and i will think about it. So he didn't blow up and say screw you none of that stuff and i knew he would end. Yeah i felt like someone instead of cutting him out. Some money needed to tell him. You can be better than this step up. Dropping some truth bombs on them so thoughts michael. Well i actually have a couple of thoughts and one of the things that overall it sounds like beginning with intensity right and that's a large place to start from. And then you know you continue on the relationship up down and then went silent and then you come back again and you're waiting for that intensity to come back and then it goes kinda silent again but very quickly and so it was really hard imagined to kind of manage that experience and luckily you had your many iota with you to be able to kind of talk you down a little bit and be like. Hey why don't you come from carrying. I think i gotta imagined for you. That's gotta be a great life learning experience. You know timmy. Michael is that. I don't know how other people operate but to for me it's like silence is the ultimate downfall for me silence to me in my head. I can roll that up into something totally different than what's going on. So if i don't speak to someone for five days and they're supposed to be calling me. Or whatever i fabricate so many stories in my head so many emotions go through my entire body that by the time i i actually talked to them. It's like that built up Anger or frustration. So it's almost like a ticking time bomb i wish people in general be more communicative right.
00:10:04 - 00:15:00
Communicate just say listen. I'm really busy this week or listen. I'm just. I don't feel like we have a connection. Listen i think this is not going to work out. Let's cool it or listen. I'm really busy thursday. I won't call you till thursday. Why can't we communicate like that and the more we will ignore or avoid communication the more drama that creates can can i. Can i play devil's advocate. Yeah how how come. You didn't communicate him after that first day or two. When you're feeling those emotions because i had pride in the way off folks pride pride gets in the way of many beautiful things that can happen including the release of one's emotions. I know i've done that so many times are my pride has gotten me. In the way i ended up running into a brick wall over and over and over again like a dumb fly trying to get through the window. It's not going to learn a little fly happen so many times. What rate in wall done for you to be able to recognize. That actually have another question for you. You talked about like controlling having control of your emotions. I'd love to hear a little bit more. Like what did you mean by that when you really like someone and they communicate with you like they sent a tax or call you you get so happy but the minute they go radio silent. You're you get so depressed. You're like i haven't heard from them for days. They haven't even checked in. Maybe they're dating other people. Maybe they have other things going on their life and they're not including me so i felt like in these scenarios and happen to me all the time i give up that control to someone else. Where their communication behavior dictates. How i feel very. I think you are one of the many people who experienced that all the time including myself where that silence is scary it is. The silence is very terrifying. We start creating these stories in our head that associated like. Oh i bet she's now one alaska on a on a on a trip with some guy and it's been like a day so clearly that's what's going to happen right and it's just wild and crazy that we do that right. I know it's not just us who are on there. What do you. What do you think about it. Producer julian before. I think it's super interesting that you as a male film. I know that's a female thing stab but it's great to know that men feel the same way and i think some of his texting right the old days i feel like sense. It wasn't so easy to communicate. Less expectations downfall. Because you can listen. Tech takes five seconds to send taxed right in your leg if this person did set one taxed and one day. They don't care about me. Not everyone communicate to same way. Either this is my take away from this whole thing. And i tell a lot of my girlfriends this because this happens in like every new relationship. You're like oh. I haven't heard from a few days. I always say on a first date. You should state your preferred communication method and behavior on first date. I'm gonna make a point to say you know. I really like it when people communicate with me every day in not even dislike on the phone. I don't need depth conversation. But just check in. And if i don't hear from someone for a few days i'm still gonna assume that they're no longer interested in you know what's great about that. Is we as human beings. Love a think called patterns and so what we want to do from the beginning is establish patterns. So if you know who you are the type of person and what it is that you need say it up front because that person may or not be able to manage that or they may be able to just for you but trying to set. The patterns from the beginning helps establish relationship a lot of times when people have sex for the first on their first. They kind of like we talked to in our previous podcasts. They also then have sex as relationship. And sometimes there's not a lot emotional attachment and it just ends up being booty call so said the pattern from the beginning. I'm gonna play devil's up. We'd love advocate gets a little too much on life that i i am totally for stating your needs. Because no one's a mind reader. The way you expect to feel communicated may not be the same as your partner But i feel like if he said that unlike date one or two like early on it would send someone running. I think it's how you say it. May i think it's like if you said in a way where it's not demanding but in a place of humility where you say you know for me personally.
00:15:01 - 00:20:05
I really like communicating this way and it just helps me feel more confident in their relationship. I think that's part of it. Yeah taking the ego out of that. So have you heard about the love languages all five of them all five so i think this kind of relates to that. I agree for those of you. Who don't know what the five love languages are. It's the way in which we experienced love. So there is physical touch not necessarily being groping fellas but having physical Later on not so appropriate. When it is appropriate tanaka now penetrations necessary penetrations this holding the hand eye shoulder touch that type of stuff then there's words of affirmation so basically saying things that are very pleasant like. I think that you look beautiful today. I love the win at scarf looks on you this song us. Ua that's great by the way And then there is quality time so that means putting away. The cell phones putting putting the netflix on pause or off even and actually spending quality time. The next one is acts of service so meaning that you really care about someone. So you want to unburden their life for them. So perhaps the dishes for them and that's not necessary. Always the solution but an act of service that they feel shows appreciation for them and then the final things are gifts and we're not talking about diamonds or anything like that but we're talking about sometimes people light up when you make them a card because it's you taking the time to know what they would like and you being able to provide that for them so those are the five love languages that we're talking about here one number one you know i think for me it's more about i kind of have to honestly i go between physical touch and quality time like i want to just be there with the person Like i said in previous episode where there was a girl that i was spending time with in i was like all wishy washy netflix's and i said no i want to spend time with you because being around someone is great right and then also just being able to just hold the person that feels like what about for you so i think you should take the quiz. Have you taken the quiz a long time ago. Okay so what you think is important to. You is actually different than what The quiz we'll tell you. I thought mine was like physical touch and quality time but my number one came out to be worth of affirmation and it made so much sense to me because i i really need communication. I need someone to be like. I'm busy today. i'm not busy. I want to see you. I want to be with you. I i like you. The reason i bring this up is because there has been linked to be like if you are speaking of different love language and your partner and you could be showing them all the love and the world they may not feel it at all absolutely kind of the same like the communication styles light to one person texting every day may be essential then the other may not even cross their mind. That goes to empathy like empathy. It's not about the way irish love. How can i show you the way you receive glinting. That's report so there's this whole other thing too about how women are much better multi-taskers than men Men get fixated on one aspect and it's hard to like dallas about women relationships even think tongue going on at work with their friends family whatever relations are always going to be a priority Men light sometimes. If like work is in tat's it's like heads down sir sir. Ken robinson who's a famous for talking about Making schools birthplace for our children. He also talked about how men are very singularly focused and kind of made a joke about how when he is in the kitchen he is only allowed to be cooking one egg and that is all that he can do at the time and again going back to the idea. The five love languages. It's also not about what i want. But it's what about. What can i do for the other person. How can i treat them right. And whether you actually wanna relationship or not. Do you want to be the type of person that will work hard to make sure that you are being there for the other person in your life whether it's beginning arnett. Do you want to be that type of person. I t and you are now. I wanna i want kind of switch topics somewhat where we have the question of day all right so the question of the day. It's actually a little bit connected to what we're talking about. But why do a lot of us move so quickly so fast like in a relationship interrelationship.
00:20:05 - 00:24:25
Why do we move so quickly so facts. His rent prices are so high in san francisco. I had this conversation with someone. I was in an uber pool We're all lonely. We are in a city and it's the same way for every big city but we're in a city particularly where everyone's very lonely. I think when we find that little spark that even just like a little fire with someone. We just want to jump on it. We want that more kohl's into the fire more would into the absolutely because that's where we're all searching for. We want companionship. And we're willing to sacrifice for all folks. We have the all day so our call comes from you parents. His parents just called and asking why still because she's a high quality woman. That's exactly so. I think that i agree with a lot. What a lot of what you say about the idea of being very lonely and one of the things that i the guys that worked with and just people in general i the first thing i encourage to kinda help with that lonely factor is before you look for a significant other before you looked at date someone kits yourself some really good friends. Yeah get yourself some bros. Some girls whatever it is. I think every section have friends in that sex i so i actually was really cool. The other day i got I got a message from someone idea some advice who awhile ago and he was. He just broke up with his girlfriend. He didn't have any support he didn't know what to do. He was moving. he's like should i just. This was first girl. She had just go out and data a whole bunch of people shy to sleep around. But i feel like that's the thing to do. And i said no the first thing you need to do is find a bunch of guy friends. Get yourself a bunch of bros. A group of men that you can identify with that you can be there for that can be there for you and you'll be colon. That's a really good point because when you don't have solid relationships in your life then you're you're going to latch onto anyone. Who says something nice to you. I listen to jordan from the art of charm. And i think he has a lot of good things to say and One of the things that he talked about was building up your social funnel and it sounds a little cheesy but actually pretty brilliant where the first thing he says which i completely agree with is go. Find yourself a group of the same sex. The next thing is and where you can push each other you can be there for each other. You can encourage each other the next thing you want to go to somewhere where there's something fun happening but with both sexes. Like for me. It's improv or for other people it's dancing right something. That's fine that you can meet other people of other sex third thing. Is you want to go and be somewhere where you can show off a skill that you have so for me. That's improv where i get to showcases skill that i have and then the fourth thing is placed the give a place where you can be of service other people and when you go to those four things you start building a community of people around you start building these friendships and when you have that folks than the intensity won't be as much at least in my humble opinion that it won't be as much and you'll be able to really find that person that you can connect with on a nice gradual pace. That's more realistic and sustainable. All right folks. that's it for today. Don't forget to submit your stories and remember it can always be anonymous. We will change the names of all parties involved so no one is crying or throwing a computer out the window when you're their name. Stay data all the data shows. Podcasts is recorded in san francisco we would like to thank our sponsor five hundred branches for making this happen to connect with us visit date. Able podcast dot com.