Tan tells us about his date turned psychology study. We talk about being clear on intentions and ditching the small talk on first dates. We also talk about the benefits of meeting people outside of traditional "dates".
S1E8 Market Research
00:00:00 - 00:05:14
The Dateable podcast is an insider's look into modern dating that the Huffington post calls one of the top ten podcast about love and sex. On each episode, we'll talk to real daters about. From sex parties to sex droughts, date fails a diaper fetishes and first moves to first loves. I'm your host Yue Xu, former dating coach turned dating sociologists. You also hear from my co host and producer Julie Krafchick as we explored this crazy dateable world.
And i move so i loves. We are excited. You've join us for an older episode. While our earlier seasons were all about dating in san francisco we quickly realize all the themes. Learnings are universal for all daters so we shifted to covering dating from all around the world as the seasons progress. The fun part is things happen. I san francisco the tech center and counterculture capital of the world. We love for you to keep tuning in to our older episodes. But there's no set order to listen in so feel free to jump to more. Recent seasons are relevant episodes for you. Enjoy the show. This episode of dateable is brought to you by five hundred brunches meet like minded people who share your interests over brunch so for this episode. Both michael and i were traveling and we had no sound equipment. So please excuse the sound quality but i promise you. This is a good one Hey everyone welcome to another episode of dateable show that opens up a can of conversation about eighty in san francisco and youthful voice. Who just spoke all volunteer ears. So is my partner in crime. A and that man you just heard is my partner in crime as well michael vegas so you have to dissect a dating story that is related to san francisco and today we have lovely guest on her show. His name was tan tan. Are you there guys. Yes this is dan. How's it going good. Thanks for being on the show. Glad to be here. Why don't you go ahead and tell us your story that you have today The date was actually you know through an online site where they match make you Based on similar interests but it's You never see their picture. Completely blind so i had no idea sort of what i was walking into ncaa which website sure. Yeah it's a project fix up dot com no. I haven't heard of that one cool. Yeah yeah it's it's one of those you know the the the serie for actually meeting someone is decent. But i'd say you know whether or not you meet someone that you really wanted to me is entirely different story. And this is definitely one of those stories So i had no expectations. We met a little cafe probably around two pm in the afternoon and she was already there and You know cannon said hello and right up the onset of the of the date she said you know. I have to leave in an hour. I need to go help out my friend with some statistics and automatically my head. I'm thinking okay. She still a student Probably in the medical field and probably some kind of masters or or some kind of subject. Well we got some some small talk out of the way. And i find out that she's actually a phd student for psychology. Which makes it a whole lot of sense and a lot of ways you but also at the same time half the time. I'm wondering okay she. Psychoanalyzing me is going on with this conversation There wasn't anything but hearing but there wasn't really anything exciting. For most of the time that i was with her and a until towards the end of sort of our conversation and she literally was like you know you. You've done this a lot but you're really good at this. I'm like oh. Yeah why this is how i on on my dates signal you. Would you mind if i took your email and you know. Ask you some more questions and you got some more insights about you know. You're dating experiences. I'm like okay. Wait. what's okay my par-. My tests objective is part of a research project trying to make it but yeah and One hour right on the ducks. I kind of walk into car gave her my email. I'll leave And that was that and Oddly enough she never emailed me anyways. So i call that my market research state where i was the subject that never got to write any further feedback. Did y'all feel like the entire time you're being kind of study And so we started talking about dating san francisco and then it got kind of strong is lit up and glazed over.
00:05:14 - 00:10:31
I'm like okay. She's really interested in excited about to get more information about this. So so it sounded like a beginning. She's doing a thing called the bio psychosocial getting all your facts down getting your information. And then she was trying to have a little bit into her research exactly. I would've felt like. Kansas is so family disco because are not for person as heard with this kind of story. Either guys ruined on the. Yeah i had a guy. I i went on a date with for all There were some app. I forget what it was but he showed up to the day and she basically was like. I have an hour one of the same girl. She's like our Let's just grabbed drinks. I wanna get to know you. And then i think halfway through the day he was like this. Is you'll right. I feel like you're studying me like a subject. And she's like. Yeah actually. I have a boyfriend but Wow this research paper on With to date asian guys. I wonder if this is. Are you serious. Yeah no i someone told me the exact same kind of scenario. I guess i should start something. Have you been the subject of a dating test. And not there should be a support group for all of us and so the rest of us can go and real dates but essentially dating is like market research. You're trying to figure out other people's experiences you're trying to find a trends and patterns and dating. You're just trying to get to know the world dating better so in sometimes all of us all of us are doing some sort of market research. We were dating for just not explicit about it if it makes you feel any better. Hopefully you know this is for the greater good. So hopefully york we'll be for the greater good Hey if i can make the world a better more dateable place or by all means of question. I struggle with in san francisco again on relatively new city is that i am confused about people's motivations when they asked me out on a date because sometimes i don't know if it's actually for real nashik reasons or for other reasons so i'll give you an example my first month in san francisco. I was at a bar. This guy came over and he said i'm going to take you out to dinner tomato. I mean we didn't have in small talk you very straightforward like. I'm gonna take you out to dinner tomorrow for two reasons. He lifted them. Said reason number one to see me have a romantic connection or to to see we have a business connection. Oh my god. That's so so. That is very san francisco. i. I've heard that so many times people are like i'm going to hang out with this person. I'm like yeah what's it like. I don't know what it's for and maybe you can be a date or maybe we can. We can work go from business. Don't you think that's a problem for. I know all trying to type cast. And i understand the whole networking but don't you think this is chilling are gaining culture in terms got. I think it's you should be important to the intentions or supposedly stadium and clear You know i'm saying that those san francisco 'cause like wow. Of course someone from san transmit san francisco would say that. But it's like just make your intentions there. It's one or the other. Don't go at least the two together. Don't they get confusing. I wanna play a little devil's advocate if if our okay okay. So about expectations from the beginning right like putting expectations saying hey. Listen i don't know you but we're going to go on a date and see if we can have a romantic relationship. I feel like that's a lot of pressure for their or like a lot of pressure from the beginning. So how does that wasn't that nice middle ground or third option. I'd say you know the most important thing is to. I'm the first thing for me is do. I want to get to know you better. And and see if there's any any chemistry per se it may not necessarily be you know sparks and fireworks right off the bat. But if i want to hang out and invest the time with another individual. That's where i used. The i h i call it today but this is a date so it's not like we're just hanging out and were looking for a business partner. There is something that happens to human psychology when it comes to online dating versus asking someone on a date you met through work or through like in real life because anytime you have a dating connotation to something like dating app dating website dating seminar dating event when you match with that person you go in with the expectation that is for dating only but if you meet some realize like a co worker and you ask them not to on a date it's a weird that is coordinating or for other purposes.
00:10:31 - 00:15:00
But being so. I don't know maybe it requires more social setting for everyone to meet together and then gets no other better and then figure out who should ask them out from what i what i'm told about europe. I don't know much. But i have a couple of friends there. They say it's very it's it's more about like people hanging out in a group and then after some time to people will start hanging out outside of the group and when they start doing that. They're dating like that idea more. So it's been kind of like the american way of going on a date after days. Like i don't really know you but i'm just going to go. You know as you date or place expectations. I is spending the time to actually get on and then saying hey. We've known each other. We have good chemistry. We both kinda have this feeling already. Why don't we go split up. I have that happen. You need to have that sort of social infrastructure and alike with San francisco everyone has social. Add so people don't tend to hang out consistently with the same people and you spread yourself too thin. I you know. I think that's true but at the same time it's kind of funny by i. I am my circle of friends and fortunately or unfortunately they've all paired together now. They've had children's website. Okay now the new circle. I'm going to hang out with them so maybe aleutian is your friend. Circle should have like a monthly b. y. o. New friend event. Yeah that's actually a really good idea. I don't know why we haven't done that yet. I actually used to bring. I used to host in called picnics in the park and i had like forty of them And it was. You know taking over the city. And i told people to ring one of the three yes food or friends and that third one people kept bringing in new friends and a lot of people got connected through that and and got the how fun little relationships bossom from it. And it's actually kind of cool. I love that because it's not like a dating commutation so it makes an awkward unless we're talking about some takeaways. Michael what are your takeaways. Hand story away is Suggest many put less expectations or or does he clear. Let's be clear people. Let's start being clear if we do have an intent right if our intentions. I'm going to study. You like how i studied my lab rats but for the betterment of the world at least kinda let me know and if anything at least at the end of the day like i get something beginning of the day because you don't want your person that you're experimenting on have different results but let's just be more open if we do have an particular intention. Yeah open communication setting the right expectations. I really think we waste our first date talking. Small talk when we really could be getting to know each other and game. You know setting expectations right. I don't think there's anything wrong with on the first date to laying it all out there. I'm not this stage in my life. I'm looking for this. These are my weaknesses. Are you know that these are my strengths. What i can add to a relationship are my motivations of coming on this date with you going out with you. I think we can just be more honest and open with each other so that we can stop disappointing. Each other things like doing things like i would consider chan. What you went through a fucking way some time. It was no not gonna go anywhere you spend more time with your circle. Who may have a friend. Who's perfect for you instead. You use that time to spend on someone who had no intention of any sort of relationship with you but you might have also changed the face of dating history in future experiments. so thank you for that. I hope so. I think it's funny. How easy it is. i say that. So san francisco and you know not necessarily been a native here. But i've been here long enough like i would never do something so san francisco like that and i hope that doesn't become the norm. I feel like it's because a lot of new people here and people with like you said social. Add and different expectations. Whether do i want you meet you romantically or for business.
00:15:00 - 00:20:10
It's like wow it. Just make the intentions clear and have better communication and think like normal people do. I don't know so. I think i think it's something we can learn from. This is next time with something like this happen to you. Use your call her out and just say no. It's not okay. What you're doing is just not okay. But do you see what i'm getting it's like we face Like oh that's so san francisco. We should change san francisco. We help the power to change. If we start calling people out or calling things out or if you're getting called out you can start changing yourself. It's really because we let things like this slip and let happen and just chalk it up as like a fun dating story. That's when tim was won't change man-made let's go on to our question of the day yeah i have a question from donald d and donald see. How can i get to know someone better while dating them. Talk to them trying to shirt different experiences rather than just the usual things go do. Some things see how they react in different situations. I kind of like what you're saying ten. I like the idea of. I think we we get so caught up in like talking to people so much that forget that there are so many other experiences we can have with a person right. I don't think Good date is sitting in front of a movie. Because then you're not really giving to do anything but i think if we see each other in different environments we can start Learning more about each other and how the other person responds to like x. situation or when they're y type of people and so on and so forth and i think that's gonna help us see more of the personnel supposed to just me and this other person's talking. I think another thing is to see how they interact with other people to brace seeing how they interact with their friends and family members. And so on. I don't know where. I read this but someone to get to know someone better. When you're dating you should do three things. One is do something that you're scared together. So find a common fear. That you have maybe a guy diving or bungee jumping mountaineering. And then you do that together. So conquer together second was go on vacation together Lung might ensue on vacation. You think it's all fun game until you there. You're like how do we get to the hotel all the logistics from up Surprises come up throughout the tryst. Some great way to get to know your partner and the third way to get to know your partner to go grocery shopping together. These are decisions you have to make together and it has to do with A day to day life activity. So that's a great way to get to know someone who you may have your life. Wow i've i've never heard of the third one grocery shopping. That's what mean. I can tell how that's how you can tell a lot about someone number two going on a trip with someone. I can tell you from personal experience that that has either ended or really blossomed relationships. Oh yeah it's make or break isn't it. You didn't you learn a lot about someone right away to the third one. I had a girlfriend who versus shopping with her boyfriend for the first time and not grocery shopping like he was getting groceries for himself. They were planning kind of a dinner party together so they had to go grocery shopping together and she said that they thought they'd never fought so much another you 'cause he was like no i really. We should make these kind of cheesy off ties irs. Or she said no. i think we should be healthier. He wanted by more generic brands if she wanted more of a name brand and he would try to guilt her. If she wasn't like you know going from the generic brands like why would you spend twice the amount of money so and financial issue came up and it was like well. I think my friends really like this kind of food. And what about my friends so this came about like. Wow who your friends circle. She's at towards the end. It was like. I hit your friend blah blah. Yeah just for one grocery trip. Yeah so i guess you know in your upper the challenge guys and if you're in a new relationship oh grocery shopping together don don. Wow that sounds great. I mean that sounds such layered conversation. Because it's like how do you all right. So how do people want to support their friends right. How do people want to spend money. How do people wanna maintain health like. Wow a lot came up to. From grocery i liked that. That's good. Yeah yeah anybody grocery shopping with me later after this you know what i'm to that they could take our friendship to the next level or end in a blaze of glory.
00:20:10 - 00:20:38
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