Jessica tells us about her quote unquote “relationship” that spanned over 10 months with a guy that would never commit. We talk about setting the precedent of how you want to be treated and how you can learn from situations like these.
S1E9 Are We Or Arent We
00:00:00 - 00:05:01
The Dateable podcast is an insider's look into modern dating that the Huffington post calls one of the top ten podcast about love and sex. On each episode, we'll talk to real daters about. From sex parties to sex droughts, date fails a diaper fetishes and first moves to first loves. I'm your host Yue Xu, former dating coach turned dating sociologists. You also hear from my co host and producer Julie Krafchick as we explored this crazy dateable world.
And i move so i loves. We are excited. You've join us for an older episode. While our earlier seasons were all about dating in san francisco we quickly realize all the themes. Learnings are universal for all daters so we shifted to covering dating from all around the world as the seasons. Progress to the fun part. Is things happen. I san francisco the tech and counterculture capital of the world. We love for you to keep tuning in to our older episodes. But there's no set order to listen in so feel free to jump to more. Recent seasons are relevant episodes for you. Enjoy the show. This episode of dateable is brought to you by five hundred brunches meet like minded people who share your interests over brunch low. Everyone welcome to another episode of dateable. Show that opens up a candid. Conversation about dating in san francisco and that very introduction. I was by the lovely michael vargas. Who's not eighty years old and the woman that just hurt my feelings but also complement for a very radio. Like voice is our lovely you a on each episode. We dissect a dating story. And today we have jessica. Jessica are you there. I am here. Yeah so why. Don't you share with us your story. Oh man so. I was dating this guy for i mean on and off for like ten months and we ended up. I mean breaking up at the end of it because he was like seeing someone else or like. I mean yeah. That's the problem. You always think you beat someone and you're like yeah this is great and then they're dating lake five other people so you guys never. Dr d- what no he. All the time was like no no. It's only you. He like right when we met it was like oh i just broke up with my girlfriend. We started dating quote unquote. And then you know. I thought we were more serious. I mean 'cause he told me we were and then he would do all of these horrible things like we go to a bar and he would likely with another girl and that i like how your giggling this and yeah i mean then throughout this whole thing then we'd like quote unquote break up. But one time he was like this is in a break up because we're not even together like oh okay. Did you call him your boyfriend to he call you his girlfriend now no now like it was definitely not that serious but it was serious he would like show up at my house in and be like i love you washington jessica do did you when he said he loved you. Did you feel like you actually love this guy. God that's such a good question and yeah it was like it was like stockholm syndrome. I was at his house once. And i found like girls clothes in his room and i was just like that so fucked up and i actually remember telling him like. It's fine like you can sleep with whoever you want. You can hook do with whatever you want with anyone. What is wrong with me. Who does that so basically. He's not at fault at all you are. Yeah basically but this whole thing is both parties. You set the president's for like what you want right. That was totally acceptable behavior. And i put up with it and so like that was right the other day my girlfriend was like oh yeah. I'm going on a date and she's like. Oh yeah he's coming to my house at one. Am what excuse me. That's another date. do you think no no it. Is it totally. Is we totally. You know the we allow for this kind of behavior and sit down. Like it's just perpetuate. So i i don out guys do it. Women do it. I think this story brings up a great idea of like the psyche of. What's going on this site. He of the person who stays in a relationship you now. It's not working for them and the psyche of the person who keeps having a relationship there even though they're doing other things and i kind of want to talk about it. The guy's perspective a little bit on here. And i imagine this guy had just extremely low self value.
00:05:01 - 00:10:04
You know this guy. Probably not feel good about who he was as as a human being and so one of the things that he needed was having several women around him to kind of make him feel better and unfortunately. I think that's something that a lot of guys are taught because we're not allowed to express have feel so we have to find a way to manage our emotions and you know slow. Self worth is not the best one so one of the best things that a guy can do seem to be a best thing is to just kind of sleep with as many girls as possible and not only like a have that experience but also continually hold the emotional Emotional feel from her solidify his work. Michael don't you think at some okay. Sure maybe he had low self esteem or maybe this guy had really high self esteem and he could get away with all this and still not be at fault for anything because he never defined the relationship with jessica he never said that he was in a monogamous relationship. So i mean i if i were guy i'd be like high fiving him so the thing that we have here. That is actually pretty. Common is two things we have. Sorry but this. But we have someone who's narcissist someone who's codependent right and so the narcissistic person that wants to make sure everything that they have needed satisfied and then we have someone who's codependent that wants to have the relationship but will do anything for the other person's that make sure the relationship is still going even if they know that it's kind of hurting them a little bit. Does that sound accurate. Oh yeah i mean. Probably and i think at different times i played one role and then like you know i think sometimes i play the other role we would break up quote unquote again up. And then Inevitably like we'd always end up quote unquote back together. And it was just this awful cycle. So what was it that that lets you crying. What's going on. I'm laughing because it's just so funny Well you know. That's that's the other version of deers is laughter. Yeah oh yeah that's true. I mean i think the big thing was basically. All my friends hated him. You know when. I found like other girls stuff in his room and my reaction was. Oh yeah no big deal like i. I was like really her. And then i go wait no big deal like yeah. You can totally sleep with anyone you want. It was kinda after that weekend. And i was like wow like. I really hit like all time low. Like i'm completely lost. All respect for myself. I feel like a lot of us could relate to that because as independent women something that we try to do is overcompensate so it's like we want to come off as like the cool girl. The girl that doesn't want to commit to fast who's not desperate. You know who doesn't want to have that defined the relationship conversation yet so we go the opposite way too much to the point. Where like no we can tolerate this. Yeah no i'm court. That's like why am i doing this. Why am i trying to prove that. I am that cool girl by hurting myself as a result you you sound like you're just walking on eggshells like the idea there ain't talking about is just walking on eggshells to do whatever you can to make sure. Their relationship continues. Yeah and maybe not even exiles but more just you know you allow behaviors From the other person or you know situations that aren't something that are okay to you if for example like if you are in an open relationship and you are happy with it and you're okay with it and you know not sleep what you decide and you're like okay. This is me. This is what i want awesome. But like i am not that person right so that kind of relationship. It's like that would be like me being in of those relationships. Even though i know i'm not i could never do that and just being like. Oh yeah. I'm totally cool with that. What was it about this guy that maze you stick around for so long but is a great question I have no idea. I think i just. I think it was the timing. I think i was very attracted to him when i met him. I was basically just moved to san francisco. I didn't really know ton of people. And i didn't really know a lot of places and he just lives like this crazy awesome like lifestyle lives in lower. Pack heights goes out on. Pull up with you. Know hangs out in the marina lake and you know when i met him your typical dues except for you. Whoever's listening about does that you're the exception but you know it was.
00:10:04 - 00:15:01
It was kind of dislike this crazy thing we you know. We met During santa con and have this crazy lake one night. Whirlwind santa rosa mance on romance pre romance. I gotta say not to divulge too much detail. I may or may not have spent the night at his house either way like the next morning we wake up. I only close. I have or obviously a santa out that he actually puts his back on and like we went to brunch while also just sounds like he didn't throw up or he hasn't grown up that peter pan syndrome and and a lot of us go through that in san francisco. A lot of us are still stuck in that. But but i wonder what i feels like. What you guys had was a great story. And i think sometimes we get stuck on this story. You know how you met or how this world wind romance took off and then you wanna make it work because it sounds like it's such a great story to tell your friends and to tell your family that you kind of create a person that's not real heart of this is obviously your fantasy and a part of this is as peter pan syndrome and. I hope that you learn from this. Are you still victim of this. no no no absolutely not you know but i'd like and that's what's funny was ten months on and off dating but i learned so much. It's unbelievable he'll still like. Check me out on linked in and i'm just like bro. Just yeah while that's taking it to a whole new level. I think our producer again. I think a shitty as that situation is. And i've been in one too so feel you on this. I feel like every girl at some point in their life. Should shitty situation hear me out. Keep going to figure out what like jessica realized what she deserves now and by having knows exactly what you'll never tolerate. Ohio is a wonderful relationship. So i think all are are you. Just am yeah. It sounds like you know. Sometimes we need that that that hurricane that tornado. Ruffle everything up so that we can kinda clean it up so that we're prepared for the next thing. Yeah absolutely and other way to look at it. This is to have better communication. I communicate your needs communicate your boundaries. Something we never do or hardly ever done relationships in the beginning a setting boundaries. What is cheating to you. What is not okay. Hey what is okay. What are the limits that way we know when we've crossed the line. We can actually reprimand some someone for it. As opposed to being like well. The wine was a little bit. Ray in the first place. So i'll let him get by with for all her slip. Slip away with this. You know we just have to set boundaries in very beginning right. And i think i think another point that is being brought up here is we need to trust our instincts. More people in general. Why stuff happens and we have a voice in our head says wait. Maybe maybe this isn't okay. And then what we automatically do. We started second guessing that voice you start shutting it down. We started saying no. It's not a big deal all this stuff. We need to trust that first of all. It's at first voice like the voice of truth and if we can kind of tap into that a little bit more and at least give it some leeway to explore what it is that we're thinking of. I think we'd be able to kind of see these situations for what it as opposed to thinking. All where south. We're bad no. This isn't a big deal. Now we can kinda put this away. Which actually reminds me john goodman one of the the leading psychiatrists who studied Marriage and for like thirty years and he identified which magic works in which one doesn't and one of the things that he identified in a successful marriage. The people who were married thirty forty years at are happy not just together but are happy is a thing he he called the poop detector. Yeah that's name. He's very good. What his name's connector couples. What they do is they often identify things that don't sit. Well shake beginning from the moment. Something happens when it doesn't sit well with you or something. He doesn't feel right. Successful couples will talk about it right away as opposed allowing it to build up or lash ten months later down the road. That's so it's so easy to say. But so hard in practice.
00:15:01 - 00:20:08
Because i know so many couples who have problems in the beginning and individually. They go. i'll let us slip by. I can tolerate this. I'm learning to accept her or him as who he or she is. And then it builds up and it turns into resentment. I love that idea is just. It's hard in practice. Yup so we got to catch the early. I thought you meant like couples who poop together stay together which i actually toilet if you had those back to back toilets. He just like take shit together. Podcast his That is the key to a long lasting marriage. Take shit together. Once a week everybody poops poop. Poop with your lover dot com. Buying it buying in now. You think i'm kidding it now. Well what's so jess. If you like high call you just like i love it. I totally like best friends. If you saw that guy now what would you say to him. If you just like randomly ran into him on the street what would you say to. You know what. I honestly would probably hide or like duck. I don't know what i would say to him Thank you You taught me how no person in a relationship should be treated. Thank you but i you know i i would probably run i would. I would probably run. I would i saw him. I probably just turn around and runaway michael. Do you have a question of the day. Yes i do. Sally sue ask. How do i know when. I found the right one. Well we go from two pooling together when you're able to together tobacco toilet you know you've found the right one. I hate this fucking question. Sorry i'm going to get angry because you'll never know until you found the right one until you die and you're like oh that was one. It's like a hindsight question so you just have to go with him be like yeah. I think this is it. I guess maybe what would lead us more into that direction than i think. I think there has to be you know. Like have you heard that thing about work about the seventy thirty or eighty twenty like in a job like you know it's eighty percent of steffi love and twenty percent is like ma or it's you know seventy percent you love twenty percent is like may i. It's okay and link ten percent is like i hate it. They say like if that's kind of your job breakdown like you're doing all right. I i don't know. I kinda feel like you know. Obviously every human is different. You know when you're in a relationship there will be things that you're inevitably going to be like. Yeah this is great And then there will always be things about another person that you're just like god leads the way that person picks their nose is really annoying. Why like why do they do it that way. What do you think about a guy who blows bubbles on your stomach. Oh my gosh. When i on the street of course it trader. Joe's get back. That could be adorable. I i don't know it could be a could be but you know it's also i think it depends like is this date. One is the state fifty. Did i just eat like a giant meal. What's going on. I think for me. I know that i found the right one. If something really awesome happens to me or something really terrible happens to me and there are the first person i wanna call you. That is like the first person that pops in my head. I have to tell this person. Or i have to get this prison person's opinion or i have to ask for those persons help. It's like having that partner in crime. You know you're someone who's always on your side that's when you know or me you couple of things is one like i guess. What's important to me is humor and if we can make each other laugh all the time having that's a really good indicator Also this person just gives me energy for the most part like if we energize each other pretty consistently. I think i think those who are very good indicators. Okay this person's worth my time. Timely find more about who she is. I love that at the and when she blows on my stomach to. I know we're in cookie. Think oh so you like to receive as well okay. He's equal opportunities he receives and gibbs. That's that's great. The blowing goes both ways. Got it all right guys We're gonna end this year. Don't forget to submit your stories and remember you can always remain anonymous. We can change your name. We can change the names of the people in your story. We wanna make sure you're safe in this really scary dating universe and last but not least michael dateable the dateable.
00:20:08 - 00:20:19
Podcast is recorded in san francisco. We would like to sponsor five hundred branches for making this happen to connect with us visit date. Able podcast dot com.