S2E14 24 apps and counting

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The Dateable podcast is an insider's look into modern dating that the Huffington post calls one of the top ten podcast about love and sex. On each episode, we'll talk to real daters about. From sex parties to sex droughts, date fails a diaper fetishes and first moves to first loves. I'm your host Yue Xu, former dating coach turned dating sociologists. You also hear from my co host and producer Julie Krafchick as we explored this crazy dateable world.

And i move so i loves. We are excited. You've join us for an older episode. While our earlier seasons were all about dating in san francisco we quickly realize all the themes. Learnings are universal for all daters so we shifted to covering dating from all around the world as the seasons progress. The fun part is things happen. I san francisco the tech epicenter and counterculture capital of the world. We love for you to keep tuning in to our older episodes. But there's no set order to listen in so feel free to jump to more. Recent seasons are relevant episodes for you. Enjoy the show. The dateable podcast is hosted by you. A that's me and my co host. Michael vargas michael's dating coach who holds a masters in clinical psychology. And i a former dating coach in new york and now an active data in san francisco. This episode of dateable is brought to you by five hundred brunches. Five hundred brunches connects like minded people with similar interests to meet in real life over brunch. You answer quick questionnaire about your interest and how you spend your time and then they'll match you in small groups of six to eight at a brunch spot in san francisco get a free entry into a brench now by signing up at five hundred branches dot com and using the code date able everyone. Welcome to another episode of dateable. Show that opens up a candid. Conversation about dating. In san francisco on each episode we dissect meeting story and today we have mika. Hi nika i. And she's super sexy right now. She's like channeling when your name is mika. You just channel sex. So what's your story i. I'd like to start off by saying that. Eleven san francisco. And i absolutely love dating in san francisco ben. I'm on like twenty four dating apps dating online waiting for now but Lately i go through these phases my dating life at lately. I'm really into dating outside of san francisco like marin lately may new cities portland so i love portland. Not like a drive away. We're talking about the flight away. Yeah so some people. They like travel for work but travel for dating. What really appeals. To me is that they're not into the crazy app dating online dating thing quite like some other cities like san francisco. It's kind of more the city vibe. Everybody's like dating all over the place got a little bit more of that monogamous fields. Dating more romantic heartened. You discover portland's dating well. I discovered dating portland going up there for a weekend. And i on this incredible weaken trip or one of three incredible dates in a. How did you meet these guys through the twenty four dating app so your on. Okay keep that weekend focus on. Oh good you got focus. Yeah so. I actually have now a rebel just for portland so i wanna know why. The guys in portland are so amazing. Well this weekend. That i went up to oregon and i live on three incredible dates. I almost amazing. The second one was nominal. Third one blew my. This is on the course of a weekend. Not like a day was thursday night friday saturday. Damn girl all yes. Oh my story. Is that on saturday. When i was leaving my other date we had gone rock climbing a lot of fun. But i was just ready bird next episode at mike okay see adventure in oregon so i was curious actually carrying this big backpack because i thought like oh well if i you know if the dates not that great. I'll go camping or something. It was somewhere in oregon's about this backpack with me. Then he tells me to meet him at a bar. There was really great music. And when i walked in right away i saw him standing there and it was kind of like you. Know how there's some people that are dislike their energies really loud. And you just you just like there's all of a sudden there's nothing else in existence. That's how i felt. When i first walked into the bar and there he was feel like that's how i am with john cusack. I ever saw little bar hall.

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Music was stopped. Yeah so. I saw him in new super attractive and i was immediately liked so much like energy was happening in my body and i walked up to him and he was leg nice backpack. I saw you so so anyway. We have this intense like sexual energy happening right away even though you know the situation anyway. So he's down and we are just like so infatuated with each other. I don't think we had any real conversation. It was it was just like you know jeb. Rish it was like a visceral feeling. Yeah so you had butterflies. Oh yeah you were tinguely down there because it's hard for me to go on a date. Okay so the date proceeds and then what happens we talk and you know then we go to dinner. We go somewhere else in you know. Finally he's kinda like so you know tried to be romantic like could go and grab your backpack on shelter and then and so any his house and it turns out is incredibly owns his house in. He lives there by himself. Portland's portland garden out back. Mrs gorgeous garden so so so he's like oh. We might make a campfire in my garden. So portlandia it's not your and so we go out into his garden in. It's like super incredible and we've made this campfire in all these things happen in the garden. One thing that was like super memorable was you had. He's telling me about his plans. You know how he uses them different dishes. He makes 'cause shop for like i don't know how many years and then one thing he does. Is he goes over. These amaranth flowers in he rubs has me hold out. My hands has rubbed the pedal in all these seeds fall out. And then any Blow the pedals away. All these like shiny black seeds and he disliked tells me to like keep them for later and then it started to rain and then we just kisses me fucking amazing because we're just out there in the rain and is eating her hand so that was super incredible and essays tonight there. Oh we're planting seeds planting those seeds. I date sex is not always incredible. Most of the time. It's not most of the time it's not so when you're able to have that physical chemistry and it's the first time you're meeting somebody. It's kind of like mind y. Yeah then i had to leave the next morning to go back to san francisco and i totally thought that i would never see again and kissed him. Goodbye was just like so sad. The after story to that is that. I ended up telling him about my maui retreat and he came along my retreat with me and that was also incredible in its own way. We spent a week together after the retreat and he doesn't really like to text so since we hold on. Backup first of all when you date remotely like that. Do they know that. You live in san francisco. I'm pretty mysterious. When i date so you. Don't you really are homeless when you're dating you're like i could be anywhere in the world with my backpack an adventure. So they don't they have no idea of you live there or not. Might tell them. I might tell them where i live. I don't how many things on the first day do they ask. I guess they thing is like there's so many things that happen for. People are so nervous on the first day. He will not listen on a first date strand. So so they may ask me out probably detour. The question might say oh. I love portland. They come up your. I love for israel to start talking about that if you were to go somewhere else. Would you ask him to come again. Like if you're going to a retreat in florida or florida or something. Would you have him come along. I mean yeah like because one of the things are bringing up. I heard from a lot of other people. Sometimes we get these relationships in our lives that are for a particular purpose right. It's not like the end all be all relationship or it's not just so it standing literally. I think of all relationships dates. Every i have in my life like a little stories like beginning middle and end and it feels very complete. So whether that's like a first day often wanna go out on great for dates.

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They called birthday stands just like a really great time and then i may never wanna see them again. Wave of why know. That was just the amount of time that i wanted to hang out that first. It was really interesting to meet them. Did you want to see them again. But don't want that to last though it turns out like well Was able to spend a lot of time with them. And then i was able to think about the things that i kind of have five values. I look for in a partner and he actually didn't fulfill those a couple of Like is such a bummer. What are the five. I wanna hear them so. I look for communication style. That works well with me. I look for someone. i'm really attracted to someone. That's very physically active because a big part of my lifestyle Someone that i have great polarity with. I'm i'm like very feminine and i i Mesh well with more masculine types than having that polarity match and then the last thing is somebody who's ready to start a family. So what was he missing. So he is not ready or interested in starting family supporting beyond himself. When you date outside of your city. What are your intentions. We'll my intentions. When i go on dates are to have great. That's my intention. But what if that person's looking for something more do you feel like that's sort of misleading. But none of these people have fulfilled that yet. Why boyfriends before what right. But i'm talking about the recent one. Well i mean. I see them. Another one from from portland just came down to visit me so i mean i'm not like i don't feel like it. I like anyone who lives in. The city doesn't feel stuck to their city anymore. I feel like it's it's totally possible to display live or haven't released date or relationship with somebody who lives somewhere else that's the us side of online newly opens up worlds right. It does and i have a lot of friends in san francisco who import boyfriends or girlfriends. Quote unquote a lot of them like dayton arizona. That's supposedly very popular state. There you go got the trait that one. But you haven't given up on san francisco. You're basically doing this. In addition to dating in san francisco twenty four apps plus new cities. That's a lot to juggle. Ed you just want to know that. I do i love i. Love importing boyfriends actually imported. My husband did that with your husband. Ex husband husband so anyway. I'm a big fan of that. But i do love dating here. I mean i. It's dating is a lot of people here especially need integrated into my life. It's everything i do. I bring a day date with me here. I'm a i. What is it that brings you to date so much besides just really enjoying dating. I am an introverted person inside. I really like connecting one at once. I think it works really well for me to find somebody who it looks like. I'm going to have a match with and spend some time getting to know them. And but are you looking for consistency or are you just looking for awesome first dates. You know some people just date for the sake of dating 'cause fine meeting new people. No i definitely want relationships. But what's gonna make someone stick. Because i have a girlfriend in new york who's had five thousand matches on tinder okay. I know this is just one app but she. She's now a dictated going on for states. I mean she'll schedule three first dates in a day and it's gone to the point where she's like. I don't know what i'm looking for anymore. Because i just have fun on these dates. Rarely do they convert to second or third dates. Is there a point where going on any dates gets a little too much. Maybe for some people. But i'm a super intentional person. I know exactly what i want. I always i always get that. Is that i remember for a while i was going on a bunch of different dates and it was just exhausting like it was like it like a part time job and i already had jobs etiquettes expensive for men and women personally. I just bring the dates along. It's my life unless they can be with update that they're gonna plan. But i am post on facebook. Convert all my All at once to facebook for who might have a little filter for my online guys. That i want to send him to facebook. Part of funnel nearly a lot of people do that. I don't know why but anyway host on facebook. Who's gonna tyler this weekend. And what are you know ten different. Okay cupid guys from the past years message. Mainly i'm going to say you go grocery shopping. What you're doing.

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Mika is your seamlessly integrating these guys into your life. So you're actually not pausing your life to meet up with them. I mean it's very rare that a guy can have is incredible like data idea that all like canceled plans and like do the idea but like generally i give them a couple hints and you know let them try share have an idea but generally they can sound like well. I'm doing this thing. They're like well that's cool so they just come along. So that's usually. How does michael. I want to hear your opinion on this. What if you met a girl online. You want to go on first date with her. And she's like joe. I'm going grocery shopping. Wanna meet me. 'save way i don't know like i think kind of it. Just seems as if though she brings me into like her errands. That definitely doesn't sound exciting at all. You have me grocery shopping anthony. I think it's just more like merging not really like i'm doing this thing. But it's like hey. We both liked to go rock climbing. Let's just decide to go on friday morning until that could be anyone. They can have a variety of different interests. But you just find kinda commonalities. I was talking to this guy in. Okay keep it the other day about this. That how i am about how was. Oh these are the things that i like to do. He's like oh we both like running. How about you running day. I was like okay but we. We have to start running an end at running. That is a great dating show. You like your first date is running and then you have the option to go off. What have i learned from stories. Apparently i need to go visit portland. I've never been to. I think it's instead of getting. I think sometimes it's not so much about getting sick of dating in san francisco which a lot of people are just a little bit bitter about its once. You feel like you're stuck at a certain place. You're not happy you should just go venture out and come back feeling refresh. You know. it's not even about finding new people in portland. Say it's about just having a fresh perspective. Once you come back to the city you ever feel like. I'm so sick of dating in san francisco. It's not san francisco the city. It's your mindset. Go refresh yourself. Come back rejuvenated and i also have a business plan or business idea now where we just take a bus cellino just like up the coast. Just date the coast and people won't drop off along the way when they find someone in your backpack back and we'll all be on twenty four dating apps go can you name all twenty-four apps. Right now go on account okay. Cupid tender hinge bumble over with columbus and Plenty of fish. They haven't been that a few years. Be linked spooner wildfire. Happen all the ones on my phone right year. that's fourteen. I have a have a long list of them. But those are the ones you prefer. What saleh toss alad. If you're like me and you eat salad at every single day it matches you with other people that you've kind of l. The wow also raven on that and you're teaching me so much tonight. One in a while location. You went to the launch of yeah. I went to a launch party. Last night for new app called strea- so you might want to download that one. Yeah they say things about it. Well it's more like they were saying it's more like a harmony but in an app form so there's a lot of questions so it's really about someone's profile before you see their full pictures. Let's go on our question of the day. Michael so the question goes a guy who i thought was interested in me to tell me about women. He took home from bars and slept with these women. Sound like unsavory bar sluts. My attitude changed towards him and makes me think of him as less of a potential more lucky to have an s. t. d. Why do you guys do this. Obviously you'll never know what is going on in people's heads. But why would you ever tell a woman these kinds of stories especially on a first date and guy who feels insecure enough to talk about his previous conquests on a first date is not a good potential suitor. I think that just says it all. I think there might be. He might be testing her. He might be testing her and seeing you know what. I'm gonna throw her a little bit of a curve. And i want to see how she responds so this moment and see if she's squirms or if she could like actually stand her ground but what's the test will win.

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Make her pass the test handle that conversation does she just like for about. How would you react in that situation. Mika o i'd say how wasn't knows. See makers then engaging in a little bit more because she said that now brings on the walls like our strict school so i just get really interested especially on first dates with these new people. Have somebody on a first day. That's really what they want to share and talk about these other girls they slept with. I would say oh. That's really interesting. Is that something you really into like taking home girls at rs. What do you like about that is. Is there something about the sex is different when you're when you're drunk in your all your dating. Have you encountered that before. No i generally date guys. Don't drink very much or go to bars. I usually like today Very introverted guys so For what i've had for women due to me is talk about like their ex boyfriend. All ooh yeah. Y'all know that one right but why do they say specifically. I wanna know why well depends. They say things like. Oh my god. This guy was such a jerk is so interesting to hear. Women talk about this guy that she was with and she talked so angrily about him and as i hear it. I'm thinking you're not over him. Are i wanna hear. I talk about accidents. Talk about other guys. I did talk about my life. I'm just somebody that really believes them. Sharing what's important to you and what's relevant and what's real and what's on your mind and that can lead to really genuine interactions. And i don't see any problem with sharing about. You've been dating or somebody that you dated reminded you a situation of course if you reflect to it like it was horrible negative thing Turn the conversation. Negative i have. I have a question for you. Because i thought i heard earlier. You said that you don't like talking about you for the first states. Why i usually get them talking about their exes Okay you pull it out of them you instigate that. Sometimes i mean in general. I am more interested in other people. I don't wanna share a lot about myself until i feel safe to do so. Back to your point michael. I think it's on the context of how you share your previous experiences with your acts right. If someone's very negative about reminiscing about their their acts obviously not over the accent too. They have issues that they need to get over. But if someone's just reflecting on a cool moment that they shared the next door like they went some. They went on this amazing trip and there happened to be. The person went on the trip with. I don't think that's terrible. I agree with that one. Yeah i mean there are times where they're talking about. Oh and then they just mentioned it was just as person i was dating and keep moving on versus harboring on how the x. would burn the toast every morning for breakfast and it's made the whole apartment smell bad and i couldn't stand the x. Because ailsa left the socks all over the counter. And i don't know why socks are on the counter connection right there like way back. The whole point is like having connection so the second person is talking about a story in the other prisoners gave there is no more connection when people are in their own world. And as if though you're not really there and so back to our question of the day i was say to this person. If you encounter a guy who loves talking about his previous conquests entertain him be curious ask him lots of questions and just never see him again or get to the root of why he's duty. What are his motivations for doing. One of the things that people love or an expression that i really like is to understand before being understood so really to try to understand someone in why they're doing it before like trying to figure out like oh you know what's let me try to place a motive on this person versus discovering. What the motive actually. It's that's a very good point. All right michael do unwrap does that. Hey guys don't forget to submit your stories. I remember you can always be anonymous. Always protect the innocent. And you think you got a couple of words for us stay dateable. The most efficient way to meet new people is a combination of online. And offline five hundred. Wrenches has your offline covered connect over brunch with new friends. Come alone or bring a buddy. There's always a table. Full of friendly faces mimosas and eggs benedict sign up at five hundred branches dot com and use the code date able for a free entry to connect with us visit date. Able podcast dot com.