Katie tells us about a guy she dated for 2 months that ghosted after a crazy adventure trip. And then he returned 2 years later only to ghost again! We discuss the reasons someone may flake, how to deal, and the reality that you never know the full story.
S2E3 2 Year Ghost
00:00:00 - 00:05:03
The Dateable podcast is an insider's look into modern dating that the Huffington post calls one of the top ten podcast about love and sex. On each episode, we'll talk to real daters about. From sex parties to sex droughts, date fails a diaper fetishes and first moves to first loves. I'm your host Yue Xu, former dating coach turned dating sociologists. You also hear from my co host and producer Julie Krafchick as we explored this crazy dateable world.
And i move so i loves. We are excited. You've join us for an older episode. While our earlier seasons were all about dating in san francisco we quickly realize all the themes. Learnings are universal for all daters so we shifted to covering dating from all around the world as the seasons. Progress to the fun part. Is things happen. I san francisco the tech and counterculture capital of the world. We love for you to keep tuning in to our older episodes. But there's no set order to listen in so feel free to jump to more. Recent seasons are relevant episodes for you. Enjoy the show. This episode of dateable is brought to you by scoot sherrod electric scooters. You can ride anywhere in san francisco dateable listeners. Get a special deal ten dollars for three hours of scooting sign up at scoot dot co four slash date able or usa code hot date. Everyone welcome to another episode of dateable. Show that opens up a candid conversation about dating in san francisco. You know it's. I'm going through puberty so my voice is still changing as we keep doing these episodes. But i'm still here but michael. Your voice sounds the same. You're so consistent thank you. I love my consistency and yeah is going through puberty. She But she's she's looking great. She got really told us on an so. It's good guys. it's good for you. So on each episode we dissect a dating story from sf resident and today we have a guest name. Katie to hi katie. What's your dating story. Well let's start in two thousand ten. I had just moved to the city from alabama. And i thought i'd give dating try online and i was really not having much luck and so i decided to close out my count and before i did i got a message from as titular guy and i thought. Oh he seems interesting. I just give you my number until my clothing. My count and so fast forward maybe be weaker so we started texting and talking conversation was great And we had an amazing first date We went to a dive bar in the mission. And it really. It was a day that lasted. Maybe eight hours. I was not expecting that so it was just really awesome Really like them and then we continued to see each other for about two months. But from the beginning i knew he was going to be leaving to go on this extravagant adventure hiking in asia. We had really fun relationship. I met his friends. He met my friends. You know my birthday came and went through that time and he was so thoughtful that he bought tickets to concert. That was sold out. That i just kind of mentioned in passing so he was very attentive. I mean he was wonderful a week before his trip he mentioned. Hey you should take the day off. That i come back which is a month later and we'll hang out catch up. It'll be great to see you. And i was so excited. It was like ok. Sure a month goes by never heard from him. Which i knew i wouldn't and The day comes where he flies never hear from him. No texts no email. Nothing and i thought i hope he's okay And so i even looked up his flight info he had landed. It was fine. And i had met his roommate at the time. And we shout to him. It was like hey did Brad make it back. Ok and his roommate said yeah. He's fine and so i took that as well. Maybe he needs you. Know he's tired is exhausted. Day goes by several days. Go by. I had texted Nothing and weeks. Go by. And i'm just like you know really confused. I never had that happen so two months go by and by that time all my friends are like delete him. Don't talk to him. You're too good for him He deleted him from my phone and He reaches out. It was right around lake. I wanna think close to valentine's day and I really didn't know who it was. Because i deleted him and he was just saying i'd like to get together. I apologize for what happened. And i was like you know. That's not cool. What happened he was going through a tough time.
00:05:03 - 00:10:06
And then i met somebody else dated him for about two years and then that ended and then brad reach out to me again. Two years later. And i was so poor by that And so he wanted to meet. And i thought why not and so. I met him for drinks and again. It was like an amazing night where we had talked nonstop for like five or six hours and he was He he did say like you know. I think it made a mistake apologize. You know like. I'd like to give it another try and i was like okay and so he even made plans this weekend. Get together and then. I never heard from him again. I was just like okay. And i told my a close girlfriend of mine and she had no. She's known the whole story all along and she just shook her head. She just kinda laughed. She's like oh that some typical him and then I mean life goes on. I met somebody that. I'm now with and things are wonderful but now kind of going through this story. I did look on facebook just to see what he was after. Because i have not thought about him. And he's still single in san francisco. Is he the type of guy that will never down michael. I want to hear your perspective. What do you think happened. Well i actually had a. I had a couple of questions like did he say what he said. He really liked me and he kind of got scared but he hinted around that he was going through a dark time in his wife after his trip. And so i don't know if he was going through a depression or what it was but he completely. He shut himself out from all his friends. Do you think the fact that you knew that he was going that he was gonna leave kind of made it a little more exciting or it might have changed it up a little bit for you. Oh that's interesting. I think it's the. I'm very attracted venturous. People and knowing that he was going on this fabulous trip did attract me more. Because i thought this guy he is living life. It's such an interesting point. Because i know personally i've experienced that i'm about to so let's kind of go into it phase where i remember. I was dating this girl and I i wasn't ready for a relationship at that moment but we were just hanging out and she said oh you know i i want more and i was like you know what that's our mad and so let's just end it. Which was fine. We didn't do anything. And then i find out that. She's moving to la and in like a week and so she's like. Can i come over tonight. So there's a that's like the just one example of this hour times. I've heard people talking about this heightened. Feeling this heightened experience right before leaving. And i think it just gets both parties. Really what did you think about meeting of the friends. I feel like that's kind of like a big step when you're kind of dating someone like bringing them into your social circle. I think that's a step especially in san francisco. When we start meeting france and all that you start seeing the person in a whole nother light. I think some people tend to jump the gun. Because i don't know about you guys. I put a lot of weight into introducing someone to my friends and also being introduced to his friends and when that does happen and makes me put more weight into the relationship and some people tend to jump the gun because they want to think that this is something real when it's not fully matured to that level yet so in your case katie. I have two conflicting theories about what was happening. One is he's very emotionally immature and he felt that he was an interesting person to you because of his nomadic lifestyle he was about to leave. He had this crazy venture he was going on and when he came back he probably had nothing that he thought would be to you anymore so his his mind had a lot of insecurities about his self worth has self-identity my us other theory is which is a very simple theory. I always hear if a guy wants something. He'll go get it and he'll do whatever he can to get it so the other theory is maybe he just didn't want it that bad gruber you know. Maybe he thought he did but he just didn't look. You weren't the one that he was going to sacrifice all four to chase. After i do know if i ever saw him out in the city i would be nothing but nice to him and he would probably be very friendly Don't on the fisker be very very nice but inside. How would you be feeling. I think that boat has sailed but he does have some characteristics that make him appealing.
00:10:06 - 00:15:04
I mean he's very charismatic. But if i saw him i i do think it'd be a bit shocked because i haven't seen him to well now. It's been about almost three year. It was almost three years ago. Can i add. Thank from the producer's perspective. Those are truly yes. The my opinion like off of you as two thoughts on the sky right. Like i think even if he let's say hypothetically he wasn't that into it which we don't really know what's going on. I guess it's kind of a relevant in my opinion to the story key should have had the decency like it's all like you had like one day sky like you were in a relationship him. You were pretty connected for two three months. I feel like he would it to you to have a conversation. Hosted doesn't even really matter. Why stis smack and it's just not very mature. Was there anything that you saw when you first started talking to him. That might have given you a hint that that would be part of his personality. Like something that maybe like. It's not a big deal but looking back it's like oh well that makes more sense. No clue no not at all because the way the relationship was he. I live in at the time in like pack heights and he was in the mission. And when i would go over his place hang out a much. Tv instead of driving me home or me calling a cab. He would literally call my cab and it was like before uber. And give the cab money to take me home and i mean such a gentleman like he was so thoughtful and like i'd never had the happened before So it was like was like hitting all the signs of he's interested in. This is going somewhere then all of a sudden it was like bam a like every Theory that for every good trait there is like the opposite. That comes from it like when you're like really ambitions ambitious and driven. The downside is that someone could be a workaholic for example. You said one of the things that you really admired about the sky was that he was like a tryst and of like all that way in like like the flip of that. It's like someone that may be all over the place blakey. Yeah i don't know. If i don't i don't know if i agree with you because i don't know like i. I can't imagine someone who just is trying to do really well has all the equivalency of also not doing so good you know what i mean like the idea that you know people would would put in other energy to do something right to do something bad but then they have to have the equivalency of something bad. I don't know if i believe in too much of that. That the opposites right there. I just feel like we don't know the full story. Because i'm more curious about. What is this dark period. It has life that he's going through. I have friends with some serious depression issues that you will never know on the surface level and they have these healthy relationships until they get in these depressed modes and they can't dig themselves out of it and they don't know how to ask for help because they really feel like it's outer body experience so sometimes i kind of think we don't know the full story and i do think that he owes you some sort of explanation or at least just sort of the respect to say. Hey i'm going through something still but we do have to take an account that there is a part of the story. We don't know and it could be something that's out of his control and another like pasta ability to just another plausible theory is that he just might have been trying really hard at the beginning and it just wasn't something that he knew he could sustain light. China do the best first impression ever but new like i am not going to be able to call every cabinet. She's gonna take pay for it and having him stop off at a flower store. And there'd be a dozen roses right by the flowers or that she's driving by you know it's probably just that might be another thing. No wacky keep this up. I can't be this guy in this relationship. Need these guys all the time. They really want to be that great boyfriend and they meet a great girl. They have such an amazing connection. They want to be the perfect boyfriend for that girl. But they know that they can't physically sustain it m mentally sustain it. So that's when they ghost or that's when they peace out 'cause they're like it's just mentally exhausting for them although the girl did not ask for this or did not you know requests this all because these guys are doing it voluntarily. They're like. This girl deserves my best self in their minds they're like i just can't physically and mentally sustain this. I know a couple of guys are quite a few guys that have talked about how they are hesitant to go out on dates because a they feel like they can't afford they can't afford girlfriend right now to they feel like they're very busy but they still have time but they don't feel like it's a lot of time that they could devote to someone and i don't know i just i keep hearing like when i hear that.
00:15:04 - 00:20:02
Just think excuses because at the end of the day if you really wanted to out meet someone if you really wanted to date them while you could do that you can just go walk and have coffee and that would be a beautiful day. If you're walking by the embarcadero. But i think it just. It's just a telling sign of someone who's not at a good place in their life who's not secure and who they are and happy at whatever place at so therefore they can not provide a healthy environment for a relationship. It would have been great to have heard that he just wasn't into interested in a relationship. I think so many people walk that where listen just it feels like so many people want the truth but then so many people are afraid of telling the truth. You can't handle the truth. You can't handle the truth. I wonder that we could do to break that cycle. There was a guy. I dig out with years later separate story. We went out like twice and then he wasn't feeling it and he totally called me and said hey. I don't think this is a good luck in. I bragged about that guide. All my friends like listen to that. He was honest with me. You're happy. I was like he told me like toll nathan. It's just like commendable this. Shame is that that was a big deal. Yes that was such a big. I'm sure for many people on the fact that that was such a big deal in you know it's it's kind of like just the basics people so you guys instead of doing question of the day i wanna do something a little bit different. Let's do a role play. Let's pretend where we wait. I you want me to put on my bunny suit or my froze y bunny suit here. Sell you perv. Let's role play. I want michael to play brad and katie. I want you to treat him as some brad. We just brought him on the show were like. Hey it's been years now. this is what's happened. Okay now's your chance to say everything you want to say to brad go before that. What's my motivation. Just channel brad. I'll be back in a month and then we'll just we'll talk to him all right. Well brad you can say hi to katie brad you know. Katie yeah katie. it's it's been awhile. Hi how you doing and fine. How are you. i'm great. i just got back from this trip. I was in turkey and the food and the culture was so much fun. I had a blast. I don't know where to go right now. Okay i'll push. I'll push them on. I had a moment while i was dancing in turkey. And i kinda thought about you a little bit and i what was what was that. I just thought of you and i was just curious. If you know it's funny that we met up began. But what do you think if i if i took out on a date. I've learned over great turkey restaurant around here on geary that this has happened several times. You don't know what you want. I hope you're well. But i'm in a relationship now relationship. Congratulations listen you know. What's cool about san francisco. I learned relationships really last. So you're probably feeling a little hurt right now. that's okay. i'm sure no listen. I got enlightened. I am now enlighten man. I know what i want. And i remember the two months that we had together was phenomenal. So it's just you know we can walk around the embarcadero. i heard. that's a great place to walk. Come on just just just the up. I think i'm busy brad. Get the hell out of here. Oh is this you way. I've heard a lot about shoot. Hey listen i just listen. I just got back from turkey with you. I don't know about you. But i pol street. You know there's a lot of stuff going on there and brad brad. it's over. the show is over. We're going to wrap this up. See you never. Let's wrap this up. Thank you so much. Katie for sharing your story and we're very happy you're you're in a great healthy relationship now so congrats. Thanks for having me on. Yes now you know what to do now. I know what to do. Don't forget to submit your stories and remember you can always be anonymous. We want to save all parties. All innocent and i think there's a couple extra words that are missing day. Dateable make a great first impression and plan your next date on scoot to zip around the city. Sure having someone pay your cab. Every time is romantic but it can totally break the bank.
00:20:02 - 00:20:22
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