Marissa discusses dating a man with kids and her change of perception as she gets older. We discuss the intricacies it brings to relationships, the different struggles of single dads vs single moms, and surprisingly the potential benefits.
S2E5 Plus One
00:00:00 - 00:05:06
The Dateable podcast is an insider's look into modern dating that the Huffington post calls one of the top ten podcast about love and sex. On each episode, we'll talk to real daters about. From sex parties to sex droughts, date fails a diaper fetishes and first moves to first loves. I'm your host Yue Xu, former dating coach turned dating sociologists. You also hear from my co host and producer Julie Krafchick as we explored this crazy dateable world.
And i move so i loves. We are excited. You've join us for an older episode. While our earlier seasons were all about dating in san francisco we quickly realize all the themes. Learnings are universal for all daters so we shifted to covering dating from all around the world as the seasons progress. The fun part is things happen. I san francisco the tech center and counterculture capital of the world. We love for you to keep tuning in to our older episodes. But there's no set order to listen in so feel free to jump to more. Recent seasons are relevant episodes for you. Enjoy the show. This episode of dateable is brought to you by scoot shared electric scooters. You can ride anywhere in san francisco dateable listeners. Get a special deal ten dollars for three hours of scooting sign up at scoot dot co four slash date able or usa code hot date. Everyone welcome to another episode of dateable. Though that opens up a candid conversation about dating in san francisco. I wish you guys could see michael right now. Because we can see him on video and he looks like out of that. The queen the queen video right. Well listen. what's it called. galileo can. I can't think of the name. Dark and michael moved to san diego to live in dungeon but anyway that was michael and the the smart asset. You just heard was co-pilot. Ua on each episode. we dissect. Today i believe. We have marissa risks Hag girl marin came to us with a topic. And i don't know what it is. What what is your dating topic. So i as i've gotten older. This has been something that has come up more and more and that's meeting men who have kids single men with kids. I mean when i was a few years younger. That would have been in total breaker right like no way. That's too much baggage. But now i more open to this kind of situation and i didn't think i ever would be. Yeah isn't it funny how everything's relevant to your life stage. At what point do you remember. You started looking at rings on people's fingers are guys. Do that all the time really guys do that. But does it affect your actions so well. Yeah because if you have a ring on the finger and then we don't care as much as it used to be that no one was married like everyone was single or relationship and now it's like oh most likely they're going to hovering go. Melissa was there a particular situation that have you changed your perspective. Well i was on one of the dating apps. I don't remember which one but one of the many that i'm on this guy you know. He was my age so he was like thirty two really attractive and we got starting talking or whatever and then he said well. What's your opinion on kids. And then i was like a great no. I don't know what my opinion is. But i wanted to. But he got knee into this point. Where i was like. I want to go on a date with this guy who knows. Guess i'll be open to giving shop to have pictures of his kids. He didn't have pictures of his kids. He didn't say that he had a kid or anything he just kind of asked question and then i figured well he probably has kids. If he's asking me on a dating app how i feel about kids not like do you want to have them with me. That would be creepy. Weird so i said you know i don't have any of my own but like some but i'm and he said would you be open dating someone who had a kid. Yeah and i said you know. Sh sure i'm open i'm open to it. I'm open to meeting the right person if they have a kid. Then that's fine as being a thirty two year old woman. It's pretty normal. Maybe a guy who's in his thirties would have a kid from a previous relationship right but does the age of the kid matter while definitely but i mean this kid was like nine years old. That's like a real. That's a real person kid. We ended up going on a date. We went on three days. Okay the first date. I realized that he was talking about his kid and he was. You could tell he was like a really good debt and to me that made him way more attractive where i was like.
00:05:06 - 00:10:08
Oh i kinda like that. He has a kid because now. I know that he's a good dad. That's like taking a huge mystery out of right. I do think. I signed dad's really high when they're pushing that stroller. I think it's so hot. It's my own fetish. Don't judge me for my veterans. We finally found fetish for you. Dad dad's pushing strollers life stage to. I don't know about you but my twenties like you're were saying. I would never have been not to a vaccine. I felt the same even someone that was married before. But i didn't like. I'm starting to be open to also my thirties. So it's like you're in a different life stage like did you think. That's how when you're twenty two no creepy creepy people you guys. I just came back from europe. And where i was at. It was like a countryside of the uk. I was on tinder and has seemed like ninety percent of the guys on. Tinder were single parents. Because they don't really they don't really believe in the whole like marriage then kids. There's no chronological order of that. So a lot of them have kids with someone they were with for a long time and then there are no longer with them. The euro way it is a euro way. And then you know. Then it's like no so taboo to be a single parent because there's so much co-parenting going on opened up my eyes to being like okay. So maybe i could co parent with someone you know in that capacity but my way back on the plane. I watch a movie with Will ferrell i think it's called daddy's home or whatever and it was like hand being a set father at all such a hard time being a step parent because their kids really are devoted to their own father so like how do you deal with that when you have a nine year old kid that you're like okay. I could potentially be your set mom but when you're nine years old you've already said mommy to your real mommy also. There's a nine year old. They're going to be teenagers soon. Like they're going to be little brats like they're they're gonna be assholes and they're not gonna like you so i take it this net an incredible ron. Did you ever meet the kid now. So this guy had pretty strict rules about him dating so he was. He said i would only introduce him to someone. I'm really serious about dating which is good. I think that sounds like responsible. Dad yeah and he said that he had already been in a relationship for five or six years before and the kid got attached to the woman and it was harder on the kid. The break-up was harder on the kid. Then it was on the guy himself because he. This kid grew up with this woman. How how old was the kid. When they got a divorce. They were never married married. It was a whoops got pregnant type situation. Whenever he had kids are way more possibility that there's messiness messiness goes back on what we're seeing earlier. Because i imagine that forty years old kids already grown up. But if you they if. She met that kate at a younger age. Like to. then that's a whole nother story. Let's remember for me when i had that switch For the longest time. I never thought that. I could ever be with someone who has a kid and there was a girl that i was seeing for a while and i wish i very much enjoyed her and i would've had a kid. We met her. Yeah yes that. Only scenario i would have said yes. I could see myself being a potential father for a child. That's not mine. But i don't think i think it really depends also like how much you care about the person or how. How will that relationship is like if you really genuinely care about that person. Then you're going to be open up to so much more than someone that you you're just kind of okay with at. What point did you a no. She had a kid and be meet the kid because it takes a while to get to know someone. I never met the kid because we had interesting circumstances of distance so i never met the because we knew it was never going to be a relationship that last long but if it was something that could last long i know that i was i was open and willing to give it a chance because of how much i enjoyed her. So in theory. Say you're open but then again every situation's different but it is extra baggage really know until you're fully in like in your situation michael. You never have been met the kids. So i don't know if that would have changed if things progress. But how is that different than like marrying someone or being relationship with someone who has like diabetes or like really bad inlaws right. It's like the same sort of bag. There's be careful of comparing kids in diabetes. But i get an extra things that we have to work with sensitive am that that's not always something.
00:10:08 - 00:15:02
But i guess to the point where made it a little more than the average sometimes. Life's always gonna throw you a well. I think the main baggage is that you're going to have to deal with that child's mother or father on the other end. It's not like a regular x. this x. is here to stay for. They're going to be hanging out with you. They're going to be in your business. And i'm sorry. No one wants to see their current boyfriends or girlfriends ex. That's a very good point that access here to stay and they have to get along. They have to. Well takes village guys. It takes a village. Maybe you're just building your village. What are your thoughts on. Because i feel like another reason why we might be more to. It is because divorce rates are so high now right like the back. In the day people got married. Didn't get divorced once you t-e-k-n-i were again and it's not even just the idea of divorce. It's the idea of what the idea of family and how it's being Reshaping i'm not sure if that's a word but you don't have to get married and have kids now. It's not a man and a woman. Two point three kids in a house and a white picket fence. That's no longer the idea of what a family can be there. People together twenty thirty forty years of the rest of lives and never get married right but they're still very much in love and together so you a d you think that you would be down for the euro situation so this is the thing i think. I want a family at this point. I think i wanna family which does involve a kid or two of some sort. Not a dog so i would rather have. I'd rather date someone who has a kid versus someone who doesn't want kids period. Oh one hundred percent agree. I almost feel like. I've rather make work with a kid. That's already there versus someone. Who's like adamant like i don't want kids at all but i don't think to your point marissa. I don't think. I need to be married in order to be in a family with a kid. You ever just choose to be a single mom adopt or gonna donor to you. Wanna kid or do you want a family. There's a huge difference between the two. So that's one of the reasons why i haven't really thought about freezing eggs because i'm like it's not for the point of having kids of my own. It's the point of having a family and maybe that family doesn't involve kids on my own. This is an interesting percents. because we've been talked about. Melissa dating men primarily. I mean we did talk a little bit of michael de but i met this woman that was probably like twenty eight twenty nine early on super pretty happy everything but she had two children and she's and was not separated from husband so on the market single and she expressed how difficult eating was like. How just wanted nothing to do with this situation. Well i could see that. Probably might have more of insight into this but it's hard enough to get men to be serious when you're not connected to a child let alone then you're like you have a kid that you have to take care. We seem can be super serious fast. But that's a fucking great filter system filtering out the people who are not in it for the right reasons. Yes and no. I mean i guess. We touched michael's obviously someone. That is a more sensitive guy. That's amazing that would be a manly man and you are armin. That are not as introspective as you can tell us about your obviously a a good guy. You're gonna respect women. You like her for who she is. But i'm sure that you have a lot of dude friends who aren't like that. Like on average what would you say about your about the dudes you now. I would say there's a couple of things one is. I actually know a few guys about a who dated women with kids and a lot of guys are worried about it a because they know that they're going to get attached to the kid and they're not sure what's going to happen afterwards. So that's one thing. Another bunch of guys i think as a man they're supposed to be the provider so now not only. Are they going to provide for women. But they're now they're going to provide for a kid who isn't there right and so they don't want to take on the responsibility also genetically speaking men i mean this is the idea of evolution in aspect of it but men want to pass on their genes right so if if their genes are kind of already if they're taking care of another person's genes that's going to hurt their chances of taking care of their own genes so i just thought of something. I actually like this story literally leaks. We tear up because it makes me proud of this person.
00:15:02 - 00:20:00
But i have the sky at my circle of friends. I found out. He had a kid. But i met him. He's like forty so he's a little older but it turns out. It isn't actually his biological child. Wow so he was married to a woman. The woman was not what whatever reason wasn't fit to raise a child. Sukey ended up legally adopting girl. That's very admirable. I know when. I've found that i was like i mean i thought it was a great guy to begin with like the respect went and also shows a how our idea of a family is definitely changing through these modern times. It's not just the man woman child. It could be a group of people who are involved in a may not even be your biological tiled but you could develop feelings for that person with that child. So i think you know in the end. It's based on your own personal preference. Would you be okay dating someone with kids. How do you feel about kids. In general it does come with baggage. But personally i think if i met a guy with kids if he continue to see me he was serious about me. There will be no game playing. We'll be none is right. There would be none of that questioning trying to read his mind. You also have to know pretty quickly like early on if it's going to be right or not you're not gonna like fuck around exactly i don't know i mean i'm assuming the met with mature i get me screw up instantly. So the maturity level of someone with a child is probably be a lot more than like a twenty eight year old are hopping every night definitely. Because he didn't know good bars. That was seen like a really important. Is the the lifestyle where you're trying to live. Particular lifestyle in. This person has to focus on other things. The girl that i was seeing at the time. I mean she wanted. She was young when she had her kids. She was twenty three and she wanted to go and enjoy her life and she also wanted to be an excellent mom in so that such a difficult scenario that i give all single parents credit for they have the hardest job on this planet period and mean i think to if you are dating someone with the child you need to. Its speth that you're not always going to be the first priority. Yeah yeah so. It's interesting because my wall granted okay. My my parents are divorced and my stepdad granted. I'm an adult. So is my sister so my mother doesn't have that i mean we're still children. The he says that he should be the number one priority to my mom not the kids that the partner is always the number one by depends on what age. They are though like if they're like if it's like a three-year-old case there and what are the things my dad would say was listen to. My mom says listen in eighteen years. Those kids are out of the house. They're gonna be gone. It's gonna be you and me so yes it's going to be us versus them and so we need to continually pick us versus them the entire time. I know but i like that. I like that because it's like no. We are the unit. We have to stick together. We have to prioritize our our Us being together right. Yeah exactly. that's what it was was that you know the key because kids are gonna pull you apart. They're going to try to push the boundaries and all that stuff so yeah. I just think going back to what i said earlier. If you're early into relationship then you know. I don't think you should not be a priority. But if it's a real relationship than i think that's something that's different agreed but i guess it's almost like how open should you be when entering into relationship with someone with a kid to really embracing that kid into your life. Are you supposed to just say. I'm committed to him and this kid because sometimes the child might now. They've really feeling their mom is. Someone else is not you than you're becoming. I think i think it's up to the parents of help find that balance because if it is at that point that maybe they could just be a good friend basically to each his own i think yeah. That really is a point. That really is take away. Some people can't even have kids and it'd be awesome to date someone with a kid already right so whatever your situation is you just have to find something. That's comfortable for you any last takeaways before we go on to question of the day yup make sure everyone get a kid. It's the best filter. You have a relation. Evan announcement that if you are a dad the dad bod that you would really pushing a stroller and your kid has to be young enough to be in a stroller.
00:20:04 - 00:25:01
So a question of the day. This this question comes from. Ben who says i have proposed to someone in my life and that proposal didn't work out and now i'm in a serious relationship where i'm thinking about proposing again to this woman not again but in in terms of like to proposing to this person should i disclose to the to her that i have proposed to someone before. I feel like. It's a little strange that you don't already know that anything. If you're gonna propose was fine is something that should be disclosed though it. It should be disclosed. That was he engaged or not at all. he said. The proposal didn't work out on guessing that maybe there was a short engagement of some sort where she said no or she's i don't know that would be really weird says no i said i've said no to a proposal. Yes and i can. I can guarantee you that my ex did not disclose his current wife that he had proposed someone before. But you know there was a ring. There was a proposal. There was everything in that circumstance if he had disclosed that to his current life. Does it enhance. The situation is a help. The situation i mean is necessary. I think that i would wanna know. I think that if i ended up marrying a guy and then after we were married i found out. Oh he actually was engaged before and he didn't disclose that you would wanna know really lyda how come how come i feel like. It's like important information. It's an it's like you were engaged before like you almost married someone. What does that change or affect. It's almost like a secret like the information was hidden. But even if you did know that what what would that change. What would be the difference. I'm i'm i'm trying to wonder. I understand the idea of a secret but for this. What way would it really help. It doesn't help that. You're not keeping something from someone. I think it's it's If you decide to propose to woman that's a major that's like you're almost married right the fact that the person that you're way already had that like moment with someone else is that's like i'm not the first person you got on one knee in like ask for your whole life like a big deal but with that. Change your view on him. No i don't think so. That's why why does it hurt to tell it because if you're in love with someone you're gonna marry them anyways. Hearing about their past in that sense isn't gonna just opposite in debrief everything that's been going on. I think that it would be fine if it was disclosed before you were in the same situation but if you thought you were the first person you guys were having this moment together for the first time you get married. And then later your. He's like oh actually. I was already engaged with for kind of feel like less of a connection. I don't know that's what i'm hearing is. It sounds like a bird in more than it would help. I don't agree with. I feel like if you don't disclose it feels like you guys. Were being open and honest with each other like yes. That's the part that's bothersome to me. I i feel like hiding. It's weird but should i guy tell you how many girls he slept with. I don't wanna know. But i was gonna ask me. I'll say different way different because that's supposed to happen one time if you're engaged to someone or propose to them that means that that person is a pretty big part of your life right wasn't just like person you slept with or whatnot. i think. Cut if feels like you're missing something. This person's been hiding something from you. If never came up in conversation like if i never directly asked him if he's been engaged before and it just never came up. I don't really wanna know. I just something i don't really wanna know but if it came up in conversation you been engaged before. Have you proposed someone before. Then if he you know then it comes up it comes up. Why would that ever come up. You'll never come up at your home. He or she is hiding it. That's one thing. I don't think that that's something that needs to be brought up. Because i don't think that helps the relationship. I have a friend who's been engaged like five times. And that's like what if you got married to a woman in like oh later you find out seasoning. Five times episodes like the michael. How would you feel about that as long as i know that. I'm with this girl then. That doesn't really matter. I know she's mine. What do i care about her past. That's the thing it's like. What do i care about her pass. When i'm with her present.
00:25:01 - 00:27:35
I don't even ask many people the people that i'm seeing. How many they slept with anything for me. Yeah exactly because what. What the hell does that. Matter i'm different from who. I was three years ago. Five years ago. Who i am today has is not who i was and same thing with her. And that's what. I want to focus on his person with me today. But i also think that our opinion about not disclosing sexual past is very much a san francisco or new york or big city thing because guaranteed in other parts of the country. They would say yes. You need to know your. I need to pass. I think so. I mean i think it's more of like an urban thing that your house lots of four people. There's nothing to hide if you like. Are you double digits or triple. Just give me a ballpark. Eighty two five hundred. I completely agree with that. Because there are some cultures and religions that are very particular about those things. I think those are separate than the norm. Well listeners home. We love to hear your opinion. What do you think if somebody did not answer this guy's question it's a split decision. Two of us think that you shouldn't disclose it unless if it comes up in conversation don't actively try to hide it or we should never well the other side is just tell her say disclose everything before you propose So don't forget folks that you can submit your stories and we'd love to hear from you and who love to have you as guessing you can always be anonymous. We like to protect the innocent and everyone around them and you say my to favor woods with me stay data. Wall scoot has a fleet of four hundred electric scoots plus ten adorable. Electric minicars. Called wads quotes are great for two people. Dads can buckle up their kids in the back and drop them off on a play date for picking you up. They have a range of over thirty miles and can crisscross the city all day. Get you from your golden gate park schrool to dinner. No problem quality just six dollars per half hour and dateable listeners. Get a special ten dollar sign up when you use the code hot date or visit scoop dot co owner slash date able to connect with us visit date. Able podcast dot com.