Jake tells us about a Tinder date that got aggressive fast. We discuss it all here: interpretations of dates, texting aftermath, ways to vet online dates, men turning down sex, and how to know if you are in a relationship.
S2E7 Cant Hurry Love
00:00:00 - 00:05:01
The Dateable podcast is an insider's look into modern dating that the Huffington post calls one of the top ten podcast about love and sex. On each episode, we'll talk to real daters about. From sex parties to sex droughts, date fails a diaper fetishes and first moves to first loves. I'm your host Yue Xu, former dating coach turned dating sociologists. You also hear from my co host and producer Julie Krafchick as we explored this crazy dateable world.
And i move so i loves. We are excited. You've join us for an older episode. While our earlier seasons were all about dating in san francisco we quickly realize all the themes. Learnings are universal for all daters so we shifted to covering dating from all around the world as the seasons progress. The fun part is things happen. I san francisco the tech epicenter and counterculture capital of the world. We love for you to keep tuning in to our older episodes. But there's no set order to listen in so feel free to jump to more. Recent seasons are relevant episodes for you. Enjoy the show. This episode of dateable is brought to you by scoot sherrod electric scooters. You can ride anywhere in san francisco dateable listeners. Get a special deal ten dollars for three hours of scooting sign up at scoot dot co four slash date able or usa code hot date. Hey everyone welcome to another episode of dateable a show that opens up a candid conversation about dating in san francisco voice. You just heard folks in your ears and your ears was the humming of my co-host host. I feel like people are so sick of hearing voices. But i'm sure nobody's ever sick of hearing your angelic voice. Michael vargas so on each episode we dissect a dating story and today we kind of a theme going on in our studio. I will call you guys. The marina bros. Can can we to say that maria rose. Yes so we met these. Awesome guys. The mr marina competition which you know before going. I was like do she. Is his event going to be. And it was one hundred and ten percent dushi but in a really good way because i was thoroughly entertained. A dog pete onstage. People were naked lots of thongs so all for a good cause. We have one of the contestants here. Jake how are you man. I'm all right now. You're talking about the awesome guys. Unfortunately they weren't able to show up so they found me instead since they knew i would have no plans tonight kind of worked out perfectly when you're always on the jv team you're just used to that kind of position. Yeah do you have a dating story for us. I'm assuming we've all gone on dates from tinder before. Yes i never heard of it right on what ended up happening sometimes. Sometimes when you go out with with another person on there. They don't really look so much like their pictures. Kathy shooting a little bit. It's more like kind of like that. Whole thing with tom. Brady played with under inflated footballs. They're kind of using photos. That aren't really playing. They're not to scale either. So i get it. They got me but sometimes that'll happen and you're less you find out that that person's not so attractive in person but you're already there. It's kind of brought up with manners so i wasn't just bail and make up being sick or something like that as expected. The date didn't really go so well. Mostly because of the fact that i just was not interested by that point at all and i apologize for that. That sounds a bit shallow that from her photos. You were attracted tour. Sort of more than she steve. Urkel me she was really persistent. Fine fine laura i did. The laura winslow came on. I was hoping to fought man. I'm so glad we're all old enough to know that audience just dropped off at this point. Okay please proceed. Oh she asked me to go back to replace with her hues very upfront long office depot. She propose go home with. Maybe an hour hour and a half was just drinks. Yes who paid a plead the fifth interesting as so. She's really into it. Well that happens. I bring up through them like listen. I kind of rather just be friends and not really feeling like this. And that's that's unfortunate. That kinda hurts. I know you can't really sometimes when you get played that card when it gets pulled on you. That doesn't feel so good mean. I've i'm very familiar with the friend zone. I think you get used to it. I mean if the friend zone where the end zone. I'd be cam newton. My other line that i recycled was i'm so far in the friend zone. I met her boyfriend's parents. How is she not taking it very well. What's going on to show that you can kind of see like in her in like her expressions and things like that she's fine. It's fine like very kind of like when my dad would see my report card.
00:05:01 - 00:10:00
It was very like it's kinda weird likes disappointed angry. The weird thing was more. So after i leave and so i receive a series of text messages facebook messages ranging from like maybe i'd say from about one in the morning till about like ten in the morning and you guys are facebook friends at this point yes lie so she kind of being very persistent with me talk onto near that she face. Well she did. Wow what she worked on getting you to progressively commit to the idea of who she was like. Okay we're doing this okay now. We're friends on facebook now. Just saying all those little yeses right and that was interesting. I mean that wasn't really a problem to me. The thing was the facebook. Things was mostly a guilt trip but then the really strange thing was when she started. She started calling me the n. Word a lot like. Oh yeah like i mean really. She was very upset. And i kind of get that. Like i don't maybe maybe she feels like that. I let her on in some way shape or form. Did you send her any dick pics before meeting her before meeting her nose. Ather consolation prize. Look you're not missing much like it's great. They weren't my own dick pics. There was somebody else's that's what was made of really weird. She kept bombarding you with messages over facebook and tax. And then how did that end ended with her telling me she was taking a bunch of zanex. She called me the next day. I mike now. that's cool. I'm good with that on. This is dead serious like this is all like not. None of this is exaggerated. It was a really strange. I really liked to get her on our podcast. Because i really liked to hear her side of the story. I wonder if she's like this. The sky jake. I'm totally attracted to him. He was leading me on with all these messages. I thought we were gonna do stuff. Like i wonder what you did or said triggered this in her. Because i don't think women pull crazy out of thin air. She presented herself like. This girl has been very reaching out to me for long time like i don't have plans tonight. Whatever let's go rose. Yes wow do you feel about that when girls take charge like that like it. Yeah okay so you were into this those one aspect of her personality. I thought like. I said i gave into the fact that there was persistence. There i have a question for you you have. You heard a lot of women talking about times where a said to the guy. Hey listen let's go back to my place and the guy's saying no. I've heard a significant amount of that guy ever heard of that happening women for the most part to feel the situation. They're not unless it's like a shirt. Hey yeah and i completely disagree you disagree i would. I would disagree that for. I would say like ninety five percent of the time. It's just gonna girl says that the guy will say yes like not a hundred percent of the time by any means but a lot more than the other way around. What about you. Jake what are some of your takeaways from like. What have you learned from this process. Maybe try skype before meeting somebody that you've met with tinder. That's actually not a bad idea or skype golfing adorable. It wait is there. Is there any app out. There that allows you do facetime after like the communication is so. Here's where we really wanna make gazillion dollars. Here's where there's an opportunity of for dating apps to incorporate video. A few apps have tried it. It's failed horribly because of technology and the lag time. But i feel like if you had like speed dating right if you connect both swipe right and you connect you have to speak to each other thirty seconds over video. I think that's gonna eliminate a lot of this like cat fishing third an app that allows you to leave video messages. Snapdragon symbol video messages back. Yeah snapchat tinder ask some. I feel like there must be but it's not catching on 'cause nobody's using it facebook before you met. Oh never especially someone you met on tinder. Oh my gosh. Never invite thank god. What are your takeaways one of my takeaways. This is what. I really liked. That jake did at the end which was say no like i think so. Many guys just jumping or say yes. I don't know. I think there's something for holding standards for yourself and saying no more and i think it off guy said no more. I think we would get a little bit more of a respect in the whole dating scene period. Let me clarify. That does not imply that. I have standards. Bad thing that girls to have bad sexy guys like it's like pizza. It's never bad right fully true.
00:10:00 - 00:15:05
I don't agree with what can make sex bad for a guy if you If you take too much of cialis and you actually aren't able to Even climax okay. No i just i read the i read. I read the reviews online. What else mark doing all like like they're not attract you in any way. Yeah it'd be like he made a mistake but you're like tend to occur. Jake was sent him out. Enough of the scarlet. Wait what's going on at there's effects of poor hygiene really all over down there. Bend down and left and right as grace walk recently time or something else time. Genital time that that's important for an genital time. What's that website. We get some guests for. Guess muff chill. You hit your girl clothes and then you have to guess what it is and then you click on it. And they'll show you heard mike match them. No one a time as a guest. My mama i want. I want to know because it's not a ring. You have been selected power right. Were they asking for your view as the jainal college now they changed that yeah yeah vagina college. So see okay. We're gonna go through this michael. Sorry you can't see this. We're seeing this blonde eastern european. Pretty good natural harry trimmed patch landing strip bald vaginas jazz. Alled what do we think boggs will trim going chazal jazz world. You guys we have to come to a consensus q. All we're going balled yes. She is bald. No external say small ice themselves. I'm sure she does not know that she has been submitted in. This isn't strip. This is what happened. So michael i will send you these picks after. Okay thank you. Shall we move on to the question of the day. Nowhere to go to washington. Dc balls or a landing strip. I feel like there's a fine line no pun intended between bald and landing strip. Okay so we do have a question date. This comes from tracy who is. How many dates does it take to be in a relationship. I've been on six dates with the sky. And i don't know if we're together together. I think it really totally kind of just depends entirely on the circumstances. How your experiences with that person have been. I'd say if it's like. I've known. I've had relationships where i knew it was a relationship. Maybe like three dates in. And i've had some where i've gone on probably seven before realizing like this. There's no way this is going to work. This is fun but this is not gonna work. And so i think it's circumstantial. Unfortunately and i'd say obviously you have to get both people's opinion on that whole matter. What brings it up. do you usually bring it up. depends on when in my life. You're talking right. Yes when i was younger. I like a little bit more insecure. That would probably one of those things. Where i just hope they bring it up so now you actually have a definitive conversation about so people actually do have these conversations. I played my last boyfriend. We never we didn't have the conversation for awhile but it just kinda fell slightly three dates both were. We didn't have the conversation but we both felt like two months and he was like. We're walking devastating talking about relationships in a relationship right. Yes yes book. I think this is all this all ties together. In the fact that if you actually have the confidence to bring this whole thing out because it is it is somewhat of an uncomfortable. It's uncomfortable thing to bring up for when you bring it up the other person's god i didn't need to bring it up. I think the most natural way is if you go out with your friends and you introduce her as your girlfriend. And that's like okay that's defined but when you actually have the conversation i agree. It's super awkward. it's so opposite. are you into this. Do you like to have the conversation. I just think that when that happens. It's so obvious obvious before you actually have that conversation and it's like you know if you're going to ask someone to marry them. It should be kind of obvious at that. Point that you're gonna ask to marry them. Talk with your answer.
00:15:05 - 00:20:05
Thanks conversation nasty. Exactly if you're asking the question you're probably not not on. The i remember one time i was seeing a girl on. This was a time in my life. Where i wasn't looking for a relationship looking for different people And i i never bought up to her. Because i never thought that we were even close to it but then i told her i'm also seeing this other person and she started freaking out so we were definitely on. We were definitely on very different pages for sure. Yeah so that's i think it's if it's obvious i guess my thing. I should've brought her up earlier. That i wasn't interested in her a girlfriend but should be pretty obvious. No upfront contracts. This is why i think on the first date. You should always ask each other. What are you looking for. I think sometimes like yes like what you're looking for than sometimes it is the person to you but is it the chicken or the egg right. You're ready for relationship or is it just meeting the right person that you want to be in a relationship billion dollar. It is so which is a which was a roll the dice. I think you gotta try out both. I think you have to kind of like you have to be willing to take a chance on somebody. I don't know how many people come meet with each other and have like this contract and be like hi here. We're going to go on four dates and we're gonna determine at the end of this works or not. That'd be great. I like the formality and it's great. It's a comedy concept. But i don't i don't i don't see it practically i mean removes emotion from the entire equation. I also think that there's times where people aren't they're kind of using this as like an emotional crutch to. I think there's times when you go through something. Like when i first moved out here i want and taunts days when i first moved out here because of the fact like i didn't have friends i lived in. I had a job in which i didn't work in an office I lived in the suburbs. So i- meeting friends was super hard going on tinder like just meeting a girl at the bar with like someone that some like someone that maybe i knew kind of well some dude would be like there would be kind of easy but the making friends was really hard for me and that was like at that point you consciously well. I'm just gonna go do something to do something. Because i don't want to be myself all the time. That's the one thing that i was like recommend people to do is go. It's hard but the more important thing. I think to make friends first and then find a girl. So you got that support and so you don't have to just go on these random dates and kind of in the midst of being connected with someone. So i do want to answer tracey's question because she talks about six dates with sky and i that's something really interesting because she's trying to quantify a relationship win in this city you could go on six days with someone in the course of six days or six months right so you really can't quantify in that way like i've been stays with this person but research shows that it takes twelve consecutive dates with someone to know if you want to be in a relationship with them so does that make me clingy. Was that make me. If i'm kind of i realized that right away. So make me like psycho ex girlfriend him. I think i think you bring up a good point. I think a lot of people are like that where they want one or two days and then they expect it to be like okay. Now we're official you. You don't even know who the hell this person is. i think i would argue. That dates arbitrary. I feel like it all is like the quality of the time spent together right connection. How long does wall dates did not know anything about it. Was like a half an hour hour each like how well to slit while it's not the dates that are the most important. It's a communication between the dates because in the beginning it's all about momentum and when you see each other once a week or once every two weeks you're getting to know each other every time but if you're communicating inbetween than you're building that momentum so i feel like tracy you should look into more not six states but how has your communication in between those who want to have a text. Only relationship actually wanted to have the real light tracks. Yes for sure okay. Any lasts takeaways for everyone. Say longtime more. Time is helpful. You don't have to wait forever but give yourself more than a date or to. We don't we can't really figure i. I don't think we can really figure something out really quick So a lot of time. Time tells all jake any last thoughts. What does the diana ross as. You can't hurry love you know. I think that's new diana's fan if you're one of those people who's expecting a now if you're expecting a result from a number you're going about it the entirely the wrong way hate to sound like some old storybook cliche or something like that but when i think when you know it's right you know as right and when you know it's not going to work you can't force it you can't just you can try. It's but you know it's not going to end well guys.
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Don't forget to submit your stories and remember you can always be anonymous alaska. Thank you very much. Jake for being here and mycole datings important. But you can't hurry. Love being single can be amazing. It's time to connect with yourself friends and are amazing city of san francisco hop on a scooting yourself or widsom front to explore the city. Take a right to smitten ice cream or to the top of peaks for a great solo. Or we bet. You'll fall in love with san francisco. Sign up for just ten dollars with code hot date. We're go to scoop dot com forward slash date able to connect with us visit date able podcast dot com