We discuss recognizing there is a ton you don't know about someone after a couple dates and keeping an open mind.
Ariel tells us how she learned something very unexpected about her new guy...and all from her best friend matching with him on Tinder. We discuss recognizing there is a ton you don't know about someone after a couple dates and keeping an open mind.
S3E10 Double Date
00:00:00 - 00:05:01
The Dateable podcast is an insider's look into modern dating that the Huffington post calls one of the top ten podcast about love and sex. On each episode, we'll talk to real daters about. From sex parties to sex droughts, date fails a diaper fetishes and first moves to first loves. I'm your host Yue Xu, former dating coach turned dating sociologists. You also hear from my co host and producer Julie Krafchick as we explored this crazy dateable world.
And i move so i loves. We are excited. You've join us for an older episode. While our earlier seasons were all about dating in san francisco we quickly realize all the themes. Learnings are universal for all daters so we shifted to covering dating from all around the world as the seasons progress. The fun part is things happen. I san francisco the tech and counterculture capital of the world. We love for you to keep tuning in to our older episodes. But there's no set order to listen in so feel free to jump to more. Recent seasons are relevant episodes for you. Enjoy the show. The database podcast is hosted by me. I'm ua a former dating coach in new york turned active in san francisco on each episode. You'll hear commentary by my co host. Michael vargas fellow dating coach with a clinical psychology background. My producer julie craft check and other surprise co hosts. This episode of dateable is brought to you by five hundred brunches. Five hundred brunches connects like minded people with similar interests to meet in real life over brunch. You answer a questionnaire about your interests and how you spend your time. And then they'll match you in small groups of six to eight at a brunch spot in san francisco get a free entry into a brench now by signing up at five hundred brunches dot com and using the code date able everyone. Welcome to another episode of dateable show that opens up a candidate. Conversation about dating and san francisco and on each episode we dissect a dating story. And i believe we have aerial with us. Hi guys under the sea with dating. So i've been single in san francisco dating for like six months or so and i'd gone on a couple of different dating apps and i was into the idea and checking it out but i had it in my head that i would just meet someone real life i was like. It's just. it's just the way it's gonna work so one night. Get off work. I ride my skewed to whole foods. I'm going to the grocery store. And as i'm parking my this guy drives up in a land rover and he's like hey like motions for me to come over and i was like no way like looking around like really. Is this how it happened. So i like scoot over to him and he was like chats with me for a minute asked me for my phone number. I give it to him. I parked my suit. And i walk into the grocery store. That was crazy. I can't believe that just happened. Like i wonderful over here from him again. So i call my friend and i tell her what happened. And as i'm telling you the story. I see this cute guy in like the toothpaste island. I was like what is going on with whole foods. Tonight i gotta get off my phone more often. So i put my phone away and the guy walks right up to me. And he comments on my shoes. He recognizes that there from china. Where i just been living and i like wait. This is interesting and he was like. I heard you talking about getting hit on parking lot. That means you're single like super straightforward only stays out. How did you hear about that. He overheard my conversation as i walked into the grocery store. So hold foods where this is headed up like wednesday evening offering my china shoes so anyway. This guy was super cool. We ended Grocery shopping together which was kind of funny it behaves like unofficial state. We're like shopping together and things feeling a cart together. Have you heard about grocery shopping as date. The best way to get to know someone really. Okay well it clearly worked and like the last. I always the wine. We like reach for the same line. He's like you get this done. I'll get it to and then All like message later and ask you how you liked it or something like that. And that's how. I got my phone number one on youtube numbers in an hour. Well done what were you wearing that day. Probably like sneak. Chinese sneakers were they. Yeah they were amazing. Yeah so we go on a couple dates. Things are going well then all along. I hadn't introduced him to my friends. Yeah really just a couple dates. My best friend kept asking. Like what am i going to meet this guy. When i'm gonna meet this guy. I started telling him a bit more about him who he was and what he was like and stuff and finally one night. I'm out at a concert with this friend. And he says to me like hold on. I've got this really crazy story for you but like let's just enjoy the concert. Let's have a good night. I'll tell you about it later. I'm like okay. That's a lot of like intro.
00:05:01 - 00:10:01
But sure so. We have a great show and at the end of the night. I'm about to get home. And he said to me down the sidewalk and he says all these things even telling me about this guy. Like i have a really crazy story to tell you and your best friend is A guy yes. So the my friend. Dan he takes out his phone. He opens tender and shows me that he has matched on tinder. With this guy. Robin that. I've been going on these days. Yes i did not see that one coming. I feel like. I guess it's inevitable because the dating was small enough and you start to overlap some. You overloading me. I've overlapped with my girlfriends. I've never over overlapped with my gang guy friends. Well here's the funny thing. Is that dan tonight. Look alike kind of people often say we look like sibling. Wants he has a particular time. It's just like if you like a shirt. You buy every caller exactly so it definitely took me aback for a moment. I was like okay. Hold on let me recalibrate here. I actually ended up going and talking to the guy about it. Pretty honestly right up front and he. He didn't even. Are you still dating apps. And i was like yeah and he was like so am i. You know like things are kind of like we just on a couple dates and he was like this. It was just kind of out an open. And i never was able to really like fault him for it. There's nothing wrong with it per se but it definitely threw me through a loop. I mean in san francisco. There are a lot of people are open sexuality. A lot of people are upset. Shows nothing wrong with it. But i totally agreement. Just it's not the standard thing that you think is gonna happen. Yeah you just wouldn't go there automatically. So i see how you just like. It was a shock so where he match with your friend had they been messing back and forth at all. so actually. That's what dan had showed me was the whole conversation between them. It had been started by by dan. Did this start before your whole foods trip. Or after that's a good question I think it was kind of like parallel actually early stages of david. We were only like a week weaker to invite then i mean i would have been a little bit bothered even if my a girlfriend had broken the news to me. You know but then i wouldn't necessarily confront the guy about it. If it was a girlfriend that had matched with him as a as a straight woman. When you start dating a guy you feel like okay. Like is he still interested in other women but then all of a sudden had to be like other women and other men like. That's a lot of competition that is a lot of competition and he must be a whole foods all the time because he was big and everybody out. So how did this pan out you know. We actually went on a couple more dates. I talked it through with my sister and she was like get over. It does san francisco. I've been living abroad. And i'm just back new in the dating scene again kind of like. Maybe things have changed a little bit kinda get up to speed and i was like okay. I can do this. I can get up to speed up to speed quick. The end of the story is no. It did not go anywhere and we're not together but it's hard to say it's hard to know like what exactly the factory where i think part of it maybe my ego a little bit especially as like best friend. That's funny and he like. He's a good sport but he would kind of like he couldn't help it. He'd be like so like how's that going. You know like just hurts your ego. But i point are you. Are you still wanting to date around. Or you're looking for something more real something long lasting. Well i guess the happy happy ending to the stories. I'm dating someone else. Also i met in real life. Interestingly was it at safeway yes. Did you sleep with them. I did slip him. After the fact oh yeah maybe like once or twice what was it that that ended it then because it sounds like you were still working on. What was what was it. That really ended it. You think this is funny to even talk about it. I think it was one of the one of the most kind of odd endings. That i've had in the six months of dating different people like It just kind of ended. And i think part of it may have been my energy. I probably shifted a bit. And like wasn't i probably didn't give the same that i had been giving four just because i was a little unsure about it and i'm sure he picked up on that But in the end he pulled back. And i did too and it just kind of fizzled out. It wasn't like an official ending.
00:10:02 - 00:15:21
I guess michael. Would you do if this happened to you. If the girl use are dating match with your best girlfriend on tinder totally different is it. Though i like to know. I think it depends on more more of what a what am i looking for him. I looking for like a real relationship or my looking for someone who's just dating if someone who's dating then that steers it with a little bit more towards that's fine and then also it depends on the relationship with my friend and i and i want to check in with her and see how she feels about it like the last person i'm going to care about in this situation is the third part is the is the person that both dating. I'm going to care about what i want. And also what my best friend is looking for and making sure that her and i are okay with everything. That's going if it was. I don't know maybe there might be an opportunity in this uno's different male. Yes just less opportunity in my mind but yes. Interestingly actually In the conversation that i read between the two guys there had been conversation about like it wasn't just straight like it wasn't clear that it was just going to be two men. The guy that i'd been on the dates with robin he said like maybe like this is kind of knew. This is kind of interesting to me. Like maybe i'd be interested in like male and female like hugh is kind of curious on both sides to which i think that's where it kind of made it a little bit easier for me to kinda chew on there. Because i was like okay so this is like a curiosity thing and it's just like it's so easy. These days is just the same way that you can get a date from your bed. You can also just you know experiment with your sexuality. Any different categories gets to your point this day and age is the easiest time to test your wanted if you have any going of. It is easy to figure. He may never have been in opportunity to feel comfortable to test it out. That's true but you know this is something i guess. I've learned something that. This is something i could keep an open mind about because in cases does happen to me when it comes to data how. I would react to something like this. My first inclination is to say. I'd be pissed. I'd be pissed at least would be your shocked and pull back the same if not what. What is it that you'd be pissed about. I feel like i would be pissed. That i was misled. Obviously this is coming from a place of ignorance. Because i've never been in what way in the way that. I thought that this person i was seeing was straight never said that. That was just your assumption. It right exactly. That's why i'm saying this coming from a place of ignorance. But i know that my ignorance would bring me to a place of pissed off so you'd be pissed off to the fact that you felt like you didn't know their full intentions outside of just you and him because i mean on some tender you don't know when someone's looking for both if you're on cupid people say on looking bike curious bisexual but on tinder you assume if you match your both straight i think like if you are straight person you make the assumption. The people that are interested in you are street in. That might not getting the right. Yeah that's the thing like. How much do you really know about zone within a week. So i think one big part about this is communication. And i think that if we start communicating a little bit better. It's it would make it more organic. Find out things of this type of nature so say hey you know what kind of relationship is are we dating or are we looking for something more serious and then if we're just dating and that means you're both open to other people and that's not a big deal but if you start saying why i've kinda wanna relationship you know the person says while i kinda wanna date other people than he notes going in more that direction. It's hard but communicating about what it is that we want or looking for makes it a lot easier to discover these and think aerial bronco to it's like you go on for a week urged to rear four days. It seems like a lot but it really isn't if you are meeting map for a couple hours. How will really know someone. A big thing. That i learned from it is like everyone has their history. Everyone has their past who have dated. Who will they date. Who do they want to date like that. These are all things you don't know. And these are all things about people's character that you have to learn and at the end of the day. I think everyone is probably just looking for romance or love or something and like you can be as discriminating as you want. Or as open minded as you want and like that's kind of a boundary that everyone has to decide from themselves and that was like my big learning like this guy's just looking for he's just attracted to people and he is not just certain type so we know his type and I think it was a bit of as i said like a blow to my ego but at the root of that that was just like saying that.
00:15:21 - 00:20:01
I'm not the only one that that's the you know that maybe we weren't a match anyway. Kind of thing yeah. Chris shock value for sure. They're definitely as a shock value. And also it's a bike curiosity. That worries me. If you were just full bisexual you had history with men okay. Then i'm be like right. He's fully invested this but this is a curiosity and that sometimes curiosity turns into novelty of a situation that could trump whatever he has with you right because he's been with women. There's nothing new with you or just unknown. The unknown should've triple dated. We joked about are just like sir. Good him in the middle holding both of your hands. So i learned a few things. Let's go onto takeaways. I learned that. I just keep an open mind. You never know what you're going to get until you get that situation how you react to it. You can't predict so just keep an open mind and also don't feel like you know the whole story from day one and recognize that there is still time you don't know about someone in early stages of dating. Yeah what am i take. Aways is thank god for friends. Who got your back and tell you what's going on 'cause your friend to be able to tell you. Hey listen look what's going on here. Show guy yeah. I never heard from him usually catalyst. Yeah exactly. i'm so let's go to our question of the day. This is a quick one comes from kevin who says at what point after dating someone. Do you get off dating apps. And how do you have that conversation with your partner. I feel like once your exclusive. You should be off the dating apps. But as part of that exclusivity defined the relationship conversation the getting off dating apps as part of that conversation. I guess the question on that as well as whoa facebook official and that's baseball official being on dating apps definitely makes it feel like the versus. Oh find this Facebook's hold brent in. We've talked about that. Sometimes it's inclined. But you could just say in like a joking way. We might hinder or something. Yes casual or in my experience. I think it just kinda goes hand in hand with real life like when you stopping interested in other people out in the real world you you kind of naturally stopping interested in people on your phone. The added ease of it. Being on your phone that like it doesn't feel like why wasn't actually going to do anything about it or whatever so some people probably hang onto it longer than they would still be out hitting on other people in a bar like china or wherever in china grocery store. I'm trying to take it to the next level. But i think that kind of happens pretty naturally yet i think a big name tunas are they is it just on their phone or they actually like messaging people using it because he injured sample. I've tried to get off that thing. They will not let you off a want users. You literally can never get rid of your three. You can log out but you're still showing up. If you're you have a bit in the thing in like not matching with anything not really use. This kind of reminds me of something. guys are very similar to. I've had a lot of guys who talked about. When do i let go of my a sex tapes of my previous girlfriends. Well that's totally different subject. What's yeah the way but the way you guys are talking about is the way i've heard a lotta guys about kind of letting go. It's like well when i'm serious. Someone then do. I let them go. And it's just it's a very interesting conversation okay. So unique from relationship to relationship. I don't mean to be generic but there's some couples that are like well if it's like we'll keep it light for while so if you have that it doesn't bother me. Some people might be like. I have zero tolerance for this. If you wanna be with me you gotta get rid of that and other people like just complete even just forget about it and not even remember that someone has it or something can also. We've talked about on this show to help. People use that white people use tinder as like a game and they have done edge. I don't know if necessarily just having there is dictated of one. I think it's i think people should just be sensitive to their partners needs. I'll give you example. I was dating someone. we were exclusive. We were living together but he never deleted his app which was very similar to tender except not tender.
00:20:01 - 00:22:04
It was in china so different app. My co workers sought him on the app and they were embarrassed to ask me about it and they're like well. We thought you guys were living together but you should know that he saw on this app. He wasn't actively using it. But still having your face show up does give other people a different impression as well totally. I know love relationships. That can just be sensitive to your partner. Okay i think we learned a zone. I certainly did you guys remember. You can submit your own stories They can be funny sad to fantastic amazing and also just weird. We can always keep you nona miss and the names of the parties involved in your story they ask you so much aerial for coming to hang out with us and tell us your story. Thank you guys. Thank you so much last but not least stay dateable. Your action item for this week is to think about the idea of stonewalling. Which is when someone withdraws from an interaction by getting quiet or shutting down areas stonewalled in her situation and believes that's what ultimately cost their relationship to end. Think back to all the times. You've stonewalled someone you were dating. And why did you do it next. Think about if these situations were to happen again. How can you circumvent stonewalling by using effective communication. The most efficient way to meet new people is a combination of online. And offline five hundred. Wrenches has your offline covered connect over brunch with new friends. Come alone or bring a buddy. There's always a table. Full of friendly faces mimosas and eggs benedict sign up at five hundred branches dot com and use the code date able for free entry to connect with us visit dateable. Podcasts dot com. You can also find us on facebook twitter and instagram. All under dateable podcasts.