Connie tells us about her dating history and how she just wants to make apps and babies - so much that she froze her eggs. We talk about the process, common questions from both men and women, and how it can help relieve some of the time pressure in dating.
S3E15 Lets Make Apps and Babies
00:00:00 - 00:05:01
The Dateable podcast is an insider's look into modern dating that the Huffington post calls one of the top ten podcast about love and sex. On each episode, we'll talk to real daters about. From sex parties to sex droughts, date fails a diaper fetishes and first moves to first loves. I'm your host Yue Xu, former dating coach turned dating sociologists. You also hear from my co host and producer Julie Krafchick as we explored this crazy dateable world.
And i move so i loves. We are excited. You've join us for an older episode. While our earlier seasons were all about dating in san francisco we quickly realize all the themes. Learnings are universal for all daters so we shifted to covering dating from all around the world as the seasons. Progress to the fun part. Is things happen. I san francisco the tech epicenter and counterculture capital of the world. We love for you to keep tuning in to our older episodes. But there's no set order to listen in so feel free to jump to more. Recent seasons are relevant at for you. Enjoy the show. The dateable podcast is hosted by me. I'm you a former dating coach. In new york turned active data in san francisco on each episode. you'll hear commentary by my co host. Michael vargas fellow dating coach with a clinical psychology background. My producer craft chick and other surprise co host stay tuned until the end of the episode for fun dating fact presented by our partner lively a new dating app that uses videos to tell your story by the way we started a t shirt line. And we're pretty sure. These t shirts will make killer presents for the holidays. So out on our website at dateable. Podcast dot com everyone. Welcome to another episode of dateable. A show that opens up a candid conversation about dating in san francisco on each episode we dissect a dating story and today. I believe we have connie we do. That's me tell us your dating. Sorry i have so many dating stories. I've been in san francisco for three and a half years and single for the vast majority of it and been on so many first dates. I almost don't call them first. So when you meet. I met a lot of people through apps. And when you call them when you meet people through apps like a first meeting yeah someone called a three date for state date. I ended up time limited them. They were just like and wondering. Max just like really short just because you know you don't know but you just want targets exactly exactly so i've had probably about one hundred of those since i've been in san francisco but you said you have a story for us that you want to lead with. I had a fun little story. Yes so i. As i mentioned i work in work in south bay and i take a shuttle from work back to san francisco and shuttle time is a great time for tendering using dating apps and all this other stuff right. You have your phone. You can't really do much other stuff you know get get some get some of this stuff no wonder at eight. Am six pm. Probably time for this stuff. So i'm on the shuttle. And then i i message one of my matches and one of my Chat opening statements is something about. Hey right now. I am sitting on a bumpy bus. I am writing my wave to say. Just what i'm doing now then i end with. What are you up to. Because it's easy it just gives them the sense of like what your day to day is like and just like it's an easy question to respond to your copy paste drums if you're in doing a spree. Sure it's factually true. That is what you're doing personal so this person that i was messaging responded with i am also us from south of san francisco like oh what neighborhood are which buzz company and yeah it turned out. We were on the same bus. That's a busy and he was upstairs and downstairs. We grab coffee at work. It was wonderful. It was you guys work at the same company. We're on the same work bus back to like literally. That was my most interesting. Sort of connections. That looks amazing. Because i had this conversation with my girlfriend i was like. Where's what's a good place to meet guys outside of bars. And she's like you should come on my work shuttle shuttle with a funny advice. I got on that was to go to the climbing. Gym climbing is still right now. Mostly guys and it is a partner based activity but it's also an activity that involves exercise so it's not just like going to a bar and drinking which is generally not healthy and not good for you and then the nice thing about the climbing gym and as you can be like oh i need help with this route. Could help somebody else with their route and offer to lay or give them pointers on what happened to this work bus guy. Oh he was super nice he met up with. I met up with them at at work.
00:05:01 - 00:10:02
Because it's convenient again. I believe in optimization so wherever you're at and is convenient for both of you sure meet up coffee. It was it was fun. There was no chemistry spark there but it was a nice conversation. And we're still friends. So what are you looking for. One of my favorite response was someone to make apps and babies with that is so san francisco. I wish i could quote that ink that put it on a poster and sell it on a better believe us at all except so who is this person. I'm attracted to people who are pretty analytical. I like i like a lot of engineers that was so that was like oh san francisco. That seems so that seems so convenient. This fits in with most people who live here. Yeah i think there is one of the things that inspires me. The most about the city is a lot of people here. Have the drive to change something about the world. Tried to make something better. I think we're all we all realize that we're fortunate enough to be in the positions that were in that we try to give something back or try to use all the resources that we have to actually do something good in the world and i think that something that is really. I find to be a very noble character characteristic and the babies part. I'm thirty two right now. So and it's I personally want children. I understand not everyone does. But that's just something that would be would be designer. And i think it'd be really fun. And like i said i like engineers and that's another kind of partnership right. You're a designer. He designed something and engineering. Build something you can really sell these little apps into the app store and just be adorable. I think back in the day they used to have that. We're like we're back in the day but there's a lot of couples that just like doing and creating things together like you know like a little side projects like you know. A tiny example is creating a puzzle together or you know creating a piece of art together so this is just another former a really just something that you like to do something to sell. That person likes to do and you're doing it together. I think it's lovely. I mean when i go on dates. I'm always like playing with business ideas with the person. I'm going on a date with them. Like what can we build together. What can we do together. But i've noticed a lot of men in the city don't like that see. I don't know if that's a perfect combination. Because they only because of like our life has so many boundaries like. There's so many things that we want to have it kind of allows us to just separate appreciate things in different ways than when it's all merged into one i don't i don't know i think it just makes it a little bit harder. I think ultimately different people want different things. i think. Some people want that kind of partnership. I think the idea that you mentioned earlier about science projects you want to create things together. You wanna create something that would be more than what you would have been able to do individually. I think that's ultimately what makes what makes it work makes it better and that's why you also have a baby thirty two. Obviously you know your biological clock is ticking. I'm thirty five. I feel it ticking. I've had six friends now. In the past two years who frozen their eggs even some who are in relationships. So your thoughts on that absolutely so i personally have frozen. My exit actually two rounds One last december and went in february when he meets two rounds. You can do it again. Shot up you could just keep harvesting wreck you can born with lots like thousands and thousands of ballasts so this means you want lots of kids right. Well well i precisely dumont. Lots of kids be best. Because i was an only child. I played way too many more games. I really don't want my kids. Sam to sharing being social any number of reasons. I personally want more than one kid. And the reason. I do rows because you apple doctors recommend that you get twenty x to ensure one life. I twenty two one down. it's kind of. It's kind of a rough ratio. So it's really it's it's not saying you have to have plenty because the chance again rests within each individual egg you could freeze three still had one of those turn into a like earth who the chances are just much lower. Gotcha that's the number. So when i first in december i got i think twelve to do so. That's not that's not twenty. And so i was understand upright while if i think i'd wanna do it again again i i should do it while on your while. Young you are the more likely produce more eggs to freeze more. What's so if it's something that you think you wanna consider it's better to do when you're young and the reason i started is because i had more friends who were younger on the other side mostly women around thirty five to forty who start thinking about freezing durant's yet But if you a look at look at the map like thirty two.
00:10:02 - 00:15:02
So if i i'm not i'm not married now. Think how long to take need somebody to get get frightened and obviously you do any of those in any sequence that you want. I figured out for myself to at least thirty five more than one. Three seven nine. It just continues no well at age. That's called advanced. Maternal age geriatric. That's what they put on your. That's what they play on file. Just so you know geriatric talk about your process. How was that f freezing process like i saw. It wasn't as bad as i expected. I was reading about needles. And that's if you can get from everybody everybody's worried about needles. You have to keep yourself in check. Should what ya. But we all have. I think exaggerated ideas. What actually it is. They think is getting ejecting yourself every day for three months. It's not it's literally two weeks but you're injecting yourself in the abdomen every day for two weeks. Yes they use these tiny needles a half an inch long they're they're called sub q. For subcutaneous needles. They go into. They go to your. We've all got some factor because where likes to collect Jacked one milliliter of medicine into you. So doesn't it just goes again into your sleepiness to shoot doesn't go into anything else any just like inch of it and then you just go. Can i just ask everyone at home. Who's listening to this right now. To imagine injecting yourself with a needle in your abdomen every day for two weeks just do it. Just think about it. It's not it's yes. It's a lot to think about but it's not as bad as you might imagine. The most annoying thing honestly was the fact. We have to do it at that exact same time every day. Like birth control pills. Yeah if if you accept you need like soup yet you know. I was eight pm severe. I could get home. And i could. It could be before. I had to go out. I had to go out somewhere and do something is literally every single day for two weeks. My most exciting story about betty's i was actually going through interactions during my per day so i had a birthday party at a bar much fronts. Came out ahead all making those medications in a little ice pack in my bag and abm. I go to the back room of this are actually was one of my friends who is a nurse and she helps me inject all the medication which is at that point three needles in a single session. There could be more one needle because you have different. Medications have to take weeks of your life at sea weeks. It's fifteen minutes a day but is it the. Is this a first processing. Getting your eggs frozen. What's the first depends on. It depends on your people. Suffer eventually might have to take certain hormones. Estrogen kids based on that. Like the really the official start that aside from generally being healthy and stress for lots asleep is yet. The needle starts two weeks around two weeks before the actual egg retrieval procedure as they call it. And the next step is a retrieval. What is that like egg. Retrieval is again not as bad as people think thirty six hours before your retrievable Which is time based on ultrasounds in how the doctors at our your follicles rowing. Was everything looking okay. This is the time then. Take a trigger shot six hours before or sort of gets out the extra release him thirty six hours later at you go in to the hospital you go. You do go under at As the procedure itself takes about twenty minutes. Basically you go in there and you wake up rematch. Later months you're hungry and that's your hungry for a few days up to a week or two afterwards But it's really fast and it's really a you. You obviously joked are any of this. How long is that process altogether. If you time everything right it's time with your period cycles of utah. everything right. it's maybe a month. Can you have sex up to a point and then because you're taking many hormones you should not have. You should avoid sex shortly after a because it increases the likelihood that you'll get pregnant might have a lot of eggs floating around your some people have much stronger reactions people swell of a lot. I think for me personally. A big very minor seinfeld. Mostly the same really. You don't feeling because my friend shoot. One was very horny and two very constipated. I think it was mostly minor The mustering meetings. I had to train for a half marathon. And i just had were planning for when you're doing this. You can't run. You can't bounce around because you risk with something called ovarian taurean which is badly twisting. The reason like best. That's probably you might wanna avoid expert. Those reasons runner bounce no physical activity.
00:15:02 - 00:20:01
No doctors explained me like no nothing but would involve you bouncing know about no trampolines guy where you going on dates during this time because you were single during the same yes i was. I guess i would say single. But i was seeing people at a time. You tell people what you're doing like. Hey how're you doing good. I was just You know working on my eggs you. Yeah i did i personally really really believe in being honest and upfront with people that you're trying to see if this will work out as relationship i think if you tell someone something they don't react well or react the way you would that make sense for you out. Quicker like life is short. You don't want to spend too much time on something that you don't work out so just signed up for the reactions. You're getting the vegetable very very positive. I i don't know who like if anyone. I think i had more funny questions for women ban from i think from one end and because like everyone about this. A lot of This meant failure. They didn't want to do it because it out to them. Like admitting defeat like life's failed at a relationship or being married or whatever it was And let us. I need my ads. That i knew it as more You're really you're just taking control of your reproductive life and then you're really enabling that to be independent from your financial or relationship decisions. You're just about the control that you that you have. So it's really an investment in yourself and what are the guys say what were what were some of their questions I think guys were missing curious about the process and procedure itself on. What what it entailed. But i think like the people that i talked to on maybe up fortunate to have like very open minded friends in san francisco. But they're all rate. It's really cool. Actually several them go on to like share my experiences because they They had some questions they wanted to know what it looks like but it's not a subject that people are either willing to talk about or have experienced so it sadd's rare during this time. Did you date anybody who didn't want kids. I think that something. I sort of filter for just in general so i personally like if i get a sense that they don't i'll probably end up. Would you ever think about being a single mom. Yeah i think it's Having a child is certainly one of the greatest challenges in life and it'd be nice to have a partner through that a but if that doesn't work out for some reason sure would absolutely michael. How would you feel about dating a girl. Let's say on a first or second day. She tells you that she's going through the egg. Freezing process aren't i reach us curious as to why she's doing it it would help me better understand. What are the important. Thanks to her in her life. And if i feel like those important things that she had aligned with. How the things that i wanted and i could see myself with her. I think it might help the relationship. Josh your thoughts. Everybody drives here have jackson the house look silent observer Lurker michael maybe carelessly too. But i've beating pressurized situation right when you're dating somebody who's got a closed. Sometimes the guy could feel the pressure to especially if he knows. The girl was have kids using yourself. Oh hey shoot will. Then i know one way sir time and therefore figured out swing of music but knowing that's alternative nets done then you can actually navy depressurize it and take time to figure it out rather than maybe feel a little rushed about something. I felt a lot afterwards to. There's a sense of late relief. Because you're at least i have this taken care of. It's in it's not to say it's one hundred percent guarantee anything but it's never have to guarantee that you'll have excellent. Yeah absolutely it take. It does take the pressure off off relationships off concerns of timing. You're still other factors because you still like if you want to be pregnant yourself. That's better do that younger rather than older so it doesn't alleviate all of it right but it also it doesn't change. The factors doesn't change. I'm now going to date kids. But that's still not what i'm looking to relationship so i spread when i think i'm still living consumer type of person as sort of some personal pressure. Smell time pressure that has been a little bit relaxing time pressures thing now and also. Can i just point this out. Because i have dr franz who've pointed this out to me as much as eggs can get bad sperm. Get bad as well what sperm can get bad too. How come we never talk about this.
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It's it's not a topic of conversation right. We are always like woman should preserve eggs. But then if you want kids. You really shouldn't wait that long either. Because yeah you get someone pregnant but your sperm could be rotten. Phoebe generally publicize it as much. Because it's longer than women or is it perhaps like yeah mostly because it takes longer time for that but that's not the only factor even if you get pregnant Might wanna do. Do you wanna be dealing this with kids at a certain age would you like. Is there certainly. I want to be played with playing with my kids. When i'm younger or at least not asked have in mind how old he might be when they graduate. When you get to go collect your life back of that stuff out. It's really hard to get the timing right. Now when it's perfect for. I think the only thing effort to my friends who have had children that it's never the right time but you just sort of you work. You can make the best. Yeah you're never. Nobody's ever prepared for kids. No one's ever ready nobody's ever ridings. Takeaways rusher only beneath the reach of new cut out. So the more. I think about this it actually might ultimately ended up being a good idea to talk about Occurred at some point in time in the mid cycle of the relationship. Where kind of getting serious with that person and saying. Hey listen by the way like. There's no time pressure on this thing because it's already been taken care of because a guy isn't necessarily going to be taking coming straight to you after several dates in going like by the way how thailand with mike for kids right though he is he wants kids. He's thinking about that and so it actually might benefit you to bring it up or actively To let that personnel that this is not something that you factor in in the decision to continue to pursue this relationship right. Yeah okay so question. The day this one comes from renee. She says when. I first met my boyfriend we were in our early twenty s. And we didn't talk about the future. Now we're in our mid thirties. And i realize i want kids and he doesn't am. I screwed in this relationship backs a really hard situation. I think she's been in his religion for what sounds like ten years and this is a pretty critical factor for two people to agree on. Because it's it happens to take to actually that work. How i would approach. It is to try and understand the other prisoners reasoning from what they believe. Understand my own and see if there is some kind of compromise or some kind of understanding another thing is kind of realized like a potentially is. What is it that having a kid would do you know if you censor fulfillment would it give you a sense of of giving. Would it gives you a sense of whatever that might be and see if there are other ways that you can actually have that without actually having a kid to get that part of you fulfilled. Maybe maybe not but so in addition to understanding why your partner doesn't want to have want to have kids understand why you want to have kids and seeing if there's other ways to fill that need the argument can be made some people like. Hey i want to have kids. And for guys angels were mammals ammos procreate. It's just the way nature works so we can't be like oh. Hey by the way. I i i like sex and i wanna have kids. Sometimes there is maybe no answer around like the reasons why you want to have a kid and we have to be okay with getting that response. Sangley one of the reasons why you wanna have a kid or the reasons why you don't need the answer is just want to have a cat and for some people who don't have kid. It's like kind of a hard thing to just like. What do you mean why. It's like i just want to right. So understanding of the army remained there. It's also important at like. I said it's alba communication so if you're able to communicate with one another it's streaming warm for our listeners question. It's like fifteen. Maybe twelve fifteen years that these people were together. yeah Something very strange has been happening to me is that i used to think that you could decide on whether you want to have kids or not without having a partner in mind right and you decide that individually but the more date now now that i'm in my mid thirties. Sometimes i date people. Like you're awesome but i wouldn't want to have kids with you and then i would date someone else.
00:25:01 - 00:28:04
You're awesome and i do want to have kids with you. So i kind of feel like sometimes your decision to want have kids or not depends on the partner you're with and it's not good or bad it just depends on how you feel about whether you want to have a kid with them. Of course some people in that camp with you clearly. You really wanna children. And that's how. I don't think it's always accept people. Just wanna have yes. Yes and that's what you know. Josh was saying to innately. Do you just want kids or could that be something. That's dependent on your partner. So in your situation. Rene i would say really reflect and be introspective about one. Why do you wanna have kids. Why your partner to some want to have kids and would you want to try to change his his decision. I mean as a even. Were you willing to change your own right before we go. Connie if you could have an app with someone What kind of app would it be. I think it would be pretty fun to make an app about meeting new friends not necessarily dating people could use it for dating. That's the thing about the lincoln. I like that. Thank you for being here. If you have any interesting or just a dating story that you want to tell us be on our show. Let us know we can keep you anonymous. We can change. Your name can change your voice all that good stuff things. Josh pay josh here on the counter three. We say stay dateable want to three. Here's the dating fact brought to you by lively a new video dating app and we have cap from lively here when you have i today. Well this is an interesting fact about men. Because usually when i think of mandating i think that they tend to keep casual in the beginning but actually we found that forty four percent of men start evaluating their dates parenting skills on or before the first aid. Shit a lot of men are actually thinking about. Would you make a good parent right when they need you. I'll it's fascinating. That's definitely something. I wouldn't think about on a first date at all or how an projecting myself to be right. Yeah what about like men and their views on single mothers. Yeah so this is another interesting fact that we found banner only seven percent less likely to message a woman who has a child for single parents out there who are hesitant to put that in their profile. It's it's a big deal. It's not a big deal. You should really disclose it cool. Thanks cat and things lively for that dating fact videos. Tell your story better. Download the lively dating app today at go lively app. Dot com to connect with us visit dateable. Podcast dot com. You can also find us on facebook twitter and instagram. All under dateable podcasts.