S3E2 So I met him at Bar None

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The Dateable podcast is an insider's look into modern dating that the Huffington post calls one of the top ten podcast about love and sex. On each episode, we'll talk to real daters about. From sex parties to sex droughts, date fails a diaper fetishes and first moves to first loves. I'm your host Yue Xu, former dating coach turned dating sociologists. You also hear from my co host and producer Julie Krafchick as we explored this crazy dateable world.

And i move so i loves. We are excited. You've join us for an older episode. While our earlier seasons were all about dating in san francisco we quickly realize all the themes. Learnings are universal for all daters so we shifted to covering dating from all around the world as the seasons. Progress to the fun part. Is things happen. I san francisco the tech and counterculture capital of the world. We love for you to keep tuning in to our older episodes. But there's no set order to listen in so feel free to jump to more. Recent seasons are relevant episodes for you enjoy the show the dateable podcast hosted by me. I'm you. ua a former dating coach in new york turned activator in san francisco on each episode. You'll hear commentary by my co host. Michael vargas fellow dating coach with a clinical psychology background my producer critic and other surprise co-hosts tae. Don't forget check out our next event. On september thirtieth. The theme is no pants and we will again be doing live stage performance of the old school. Tv show the dating game. Get all the details by going on our facebook page under dateable podcast event sold out so get your tickets soon. This episode of dateable is brought to you by five hundred brunches five hundred connects like minded people with similar interests to meet in real life over. Brunch you answer a questionnaire about your interest and how you spend your time and they'll match you in small groups of six to eight at brunch spot in san francisco get a free entry into a brench now by signing up at five hundred brunches calm and using the code date able everyone welcome to another episode of dateable show that opens up a candid conversation about dating in san francisco. So i believe today. We have a lady by the name of rachel. Smith is that correct. That is correct. And you know on each episode we dissect a dating story and rachel has the story for us today. Rachel ticket away okay. so is there swearing allowed. Yeah i just want everyone to know all the listeners at home. Rachel is in studio with me right now. We are drinking wine and eating cheese and we are in a room that i was a little asian sex dungeon because there is a giant green screen. I don't care if you're ever lucky enough to come over to my studio you know i love. Snl stories we just don't know so my rate let me do start off. i'm engaged. it's been. I've been with the same guy for forty years so this is a long time ago but still it's one that has always haunted me. Okay so first of all. I met this guy at barn. I don't exactly. I mean ever watched that insofar outs twenty three at the peak of my alcoholism. And i go to bar on on and thursday at a guy i blackout. I know anyway. He looks like he hit me up the next day. When i ahead so much fun with you i was like okay. Let's do this and it was the age where you have like a really. Yes had a job you know you just going in after work and then you just show up nine to five you go out already in the next day going over so we go on our first day. I had no idea what this looks like. So i go thirty minutes early and i started ringing because i'm like i'm just gonna sit at the bar. Hopefully he recognizes me because isis. I'm sitting there. He comes over into himself. And i realized like it's not happening like this guy is now dial at i eight so anyways we're hanging out we're getting along and i find humorous but not attractive allies so we keep drinking and this is a thursday night and so next thing i know i'm just belligerent. And it starts to get foggy here so we're downtown at the irish bank. That's where we start out. I just like fine like others. Get drunk with have you i rish so you can imagine the carl's we were doing so then anyways later on moved to this other bar forgot what it was called it was a year and we're just tanked and i remember being again. It was thursday and there was this And we're on stage.

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I'm dancing and singing. Grabbed him in the middle of the song we start hardcore making aaliyah like yards guy. You know so drug. So anyways. What happens is i ended up losing my wallet and i was like i gotta go home. It was ended my night. I think it was like one thirty. And i don't have a wallet. I just had my cell phone. And i was like okay. I'll just take gary bus home. This this is when it gets a little out of control. So he is like. I'll take you home really come over to my house. I just wanted to get away. 'cause i knew things would happen if i went over to his house. Organ things are you guys not your so anyways we get on the bus and this is this is the moment is i have memories of me. Sitting on this bus just cussing people out on the uni and i. Yeah i that person on a yeah i was. I was throwing things at people wearing. And i think i learning and so we get to the stop and we're just sitting there and i'm still cussing people out and the next thing i know i look and unique driver is right in front of me. And she's like. I'm sorry you're gonna get the hell off my shit and sitting there on on their own with this guy because he was checking in with me so he could hear me at. I don't remember what you said so long story short. The willing kicks off the bus and then everyone starts applauding and cheering you on lock the bus. I'm just like everybody line. I realize island kit avenue and i rode the bus to like thirty eight. When i'm so drunk. I got off on the wrong stop and i'm still talking in this guy and he's just sitting there like wow. You're really wasted so anyways understanding on the street and i'm like i'm going to get home. It don't have a wallet. I can't pay for a cab so standing around waiting for the bus and it's way to at this time and out of nowhere. This man driving a golf cart. That rolls down. The street sees me. And i'm i'm still cousin Phone at this point. I'm waiting for the bus. And then two minutes later he circles and he's like hey. Do you need a ride. Like actually i need a ride. I came from a horrible day like the guy was not my style and i got kicked off. The news is like sixty seventies. Is he handsome clydes so anyways the guy ends up giving me a ride. Home was totally nice. Yeah just drove me home. Say to and he's got like his golf car. Hell out anyways gives me a ride home and then the next day i wake up and i have memories of all of this in oh so humiliated that when the guy asked me back out will one. I wasn't interested in him but too he had like heard me. He heard me get kicked off and i was mortified so i made up some lame story that i had a family. Emergency in la. I couldn't see him gat for. At least it was like so obvious that it was like i know roland sita's again so i never saw him again. Except for eight years later in bar. How yeah and so. He was to say it was a very short lesson. Learned stay out of barnet. And that's what i'm getting from. This also get really wasted with a guy you know interested. How does he ask you back out. Maybe i was easy. Because i got so drunk. That's no. I'm sure you've provided some sort of entertainment for him. I need how dates does he go on where his date leaves and gets kicked off with immunity making hard hardcore bar. He probably thought it was like one of the most romantic kind of drunk make outrage shoveling against the wall. And it's just like so passionate in in your mind you're like this is hot but it from someone else's view their disgusted. That sounds like the stereotypical beginnings of like learning how to date in san francisco. I feel like you know in every city. When you're in your early twenties you get wasted drunk and then you make how someone you don't really wanna make out with and then the next day you may go.

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Was that person i made out with and you may go out with him and not recognize him. That's happened to me multiple times you know. In my early twenties worse things. There are worse things i could happen. I think you know that's how the universe is fair. Is that you make people you like when you're drunk. So what did you learn from this. Oh my god. Don't be that drunk idiot. On unique him down. I with his people get kicked off. And how mortifying is for them. And i i remember the shame came over me when this woman was like. You need to get back off. And then everyone applauded. I was that person in the back of the was there uber and lyft back then. Okay so go okay. Now i got to talk about the man's perspective on this because so many guys talk about how they went out on a date. Girl got a little ridiculous but there was like that moment of passion and then he starts thinking in his head always does she possibly wants a date with me. And what's like there. So i can imagine. From his point of view there are so many mixed signals. The fact that you who knows what you did to him at bar none. Nobody knows and calling him a hand job. I'm just speculating here. But you probably gave him a hand job. Maybe a blowjob worse in forgotten interesting to be like drinking on dates. I don't know what your thoughts are. But i remember on diverged Staff i feel there were times of people on first dates. Drew goal too much. Regret it so just curious what your thoughts are on some of that. Yeah definitely you guys know. My whole thing is sober. I kiss. I think if you really want to get to know someone and want to gauge chemistry you have a sober. I kiss with them but that rarely happens in the city because there there's so many nerves that go into a first date or a first meeting. You're like i just really want a glass a glass of something. I feel like when you meet someone when you're already drunk. It's hard to get to know them as a sober person. Let me tell you when. I decided to be so i made a wolfer myself. I was not going to take anyone under the influence. I want a year. That's pretty good. I want a year. It was a painter here. I hear and then screw this hook up as an sack. Yes more than making out. Okay yeah okay. I was okay with the drug make out but i wouldn't go past that the influence i think that's a great rule to have. That's a great role because when you remove kind of like the sexual stuff out of things and remove that alcoholism out of it makes it less confusing allied to give you credit for being able to have your give yourself a line when you're drunk. I hear so many people. Just throw out excuse. I was drunk but yet for you. You're able to drink but then stop yourself to a point. That was years ago. That was years later. That was after many sessions of arab music through folks therapy works. I wanna know your opinion on this if you meet someone when you're drunk and you don't remember what they look like you don't remember who they are. Should you go on a date with them about the story. I'm very good friends with a guy really wasted. Didn't know what he looked like. I ended up bringing a girlfriend and we're now really good friends. I met a guy when i was just blackout drunk and when i'm blackout drunk. I can't see past the chest. I only see like chess down. So i didn't see it is a blur. I never saw his face asked me on a date. He's like let's meet at this bar. I show up to the bar. I don't remember what he looks like. And there was only one guy at the bar that was by himself. So i'm like fuck. That must be him. This guy was like fifty five sixty years old. He was like in a hawaiian shirt and a fedora. So i guess that's him. I walk over. I tap a shoulder. And i go. Hey he's like. Hey what would you like to drink on like. Ria lushes surgery so we start drinking. We're like taking shots tequila. And then they get a tap on my shoulder and it's the actual guy that i'm there to see so the guy that was doing tequila shots with me totally that i was a prostitute absolutely not i was a prostitute better. The thing is that he was down with wars dream. Come true this. Today is the last day of my life. I will be very happy. You know what.

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I can say. I can picture. Who did you have more fun with date. Hope lights with both of them. They were both on. But what. I mean seriously if you are in a hawaiian shirt in fedora a fifty five year old man sitting at a bar by yourself in an asian girl walks up to you. Chances are she's a prostitute. Chances are she's a prostitute up like if you realize ahead of time with this date is gonna stop by undergoing for fun. You end up having more fun than if you really like might lake the guy nervous and then you kind of you know you're not so much yourself. I think that's a really good point. Because i've talked to a lot of friends about this. Recently what makes a good date good and what makes a bad day bat. Because it doesn't a good date doesn't necessarily mean that you hit it off and you want to get to know them in a romantic setting a good day just means you had fun with that person so you could meet up with someone. Maybe there's no chemistry but you could have amazing conversation with them. Still have a great time. I remember any of the congress to congress is now you have a great story to tell your grandchildren michael. Do you have any stories like that. Because you don't really drink that's interesting about michael's he doesn't really drink so i feel like yours stories. Wouldn't be as extreme stories are more from the outside perspective of like. Oh my god. She's drunk. I would would not work out. Okay i forgive you airlines. I know at least for me from my perspective of i eight and drinking all that i had my drinking time and it was fun but my body doesn't physically enjoy alcohol but i remember going out on those dates of having the other person get wasted and it just for me. It just wasn't fun. It just i guess like saddam. Some people need what's called liquid courage right and so that's exactly why they do. That is to get that liquid courage to try to be relaxed. And all that stuff. But i mean the more. The more people do that the less likely they're able to build up their own courage and it makes it harder for them to act regular normal situations. At least that's my belief. I feel like we should challenge listeners at home and if you are really serious about being in a relationship go on dates and not drink. That is a challenge or try not drinking at all. See what happens people are. It's so interesting. I was with a friend of mine the other day and she was she. We went out and she wanted to have a drink. Or you wanna have a drink. But she was so usa having a drink her body was asking for it. So people get like condition when they walk into a bar to not have a drink. If you want your social skills to get better if you wanna be able to relate better with people try not drinking and yodel you'll just naturally have to build that up. The question is in modern day dating in san francisco. Most people don't want to commit to a dinner for for a stay. It's too long of a commitment people. Just it's expensive and then you get stuck if you don't like that person so people mostly meet at bars for happy hour for a drink. What are some alternatives. That people can do. Coffee is weird and most coffee shops aren't open hut. I love it on your first date. You keep is the my friend actually went out on a date with a guy who was like. Let's go on an urban hike. I think. I think i'm doing the walking thing. I think that's a good one because anyone you can call it at anytime right. You're open out your indie environment and you can call it anytime. I starting off with like like grabbing a snack or a food or whatever just to have something to munch on or drink or whatever as you walk around. I think that's a good start to date because then after like ten minutes. You're like oh. My god i'm not feeling good. I could head home. And you're not like confined to a seizure or anything like that or you know what a great idea and also too. I really like it as a female. When a guy shows me his san francisco. I really like it when someone shows me something new on a first date like also showing people. There's so many beautiful views in san francisco and just bringing some where they're just appreciate the view. It's like a nice moment to have. What do you do when you don't have a good day. And actually the person was awful but it was like vest as he took me a little Take something like there. Were some bottles of one ball have to do. This is a picnic near the golden gate bridge at night. News so uniform romantic as show. Is there a smile lights.

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That are what do you do for. I h michael. I i like to do the whole walking thing i like to say. Hey let's meet up at a place like afraid somewhere. I personally love like pastries. So we'll meet up at like a pastry place and make a couple of desserts have a little bite and start walking around and just start having conversation and if the conversation goes well then we're walking for like three or four hours in. It feels like twenty minutes or were walking for like twenty minutes. Feels like three hours and i have my friend and i started looking on my phone saying i forgot. I had this and then desserts of a middle ground between like coffee in there. It's like a little more romantic than coffee. It's not that commitment in price dinner right love to walk. Get ice cream now and all that hell. Yeah that's a great segue into our question of the day which comes from jamie who side who who wants to know if you know during a date you are not attracted this person. There's chemistry should you just bail right away or should you try to make the day into a good date. Even if you're not interested. I think it depends if the person is. If it's really not going wellness person frustrating. You and you're getting angry and annoyed. I think at that point you just had on out. But if the person's pleasant. I think it could be. I think you can beat potential friend and then just another person's to to your social circle so i went on a date a few months ago with a guy that was like he'd be perfect for a friend of mine isn't weird to be like i really wanted. I'm not interested. But i want to introduce you to coming up. I've actually had this conversation with my old roommate many times and she was like that. Be so weird. Like why. I went to one date with the guy. Slept with the guy already like. What's the big deal. I don't think in everyone has different tastes. She's like oh feels like into your leftover is not really late. Mitee different. It's like he's just not suited for me. But why wouldn't you. But i i get really sensitive about it. I don't like inference pass. Do pass me downs. Because got a pass down past sideways. I think if you slept with the person that's he wear lead. Michael what how would you react to if you went on a date with a girl and she was like you know. I don't think there's chemistry here. But i want to introduce you to my friend. Julie what would you say. Well i actually kinda did this to someone. There was a girl that i was seeing a little bit and it just wasn't working out for him but i knew that She really liked dancing. And i knew a friend of mine. Who's a really good dancer. That i think would find her attractive so i brought her out to the dance scene and introduce them to and they started dating and they were together for like six months right. But that's that's you setting them up. How would you reactive the other way around. I think i would be okay if i if i find the other person interesting like if i want this person that i was introduced to someone that i love wanting be with. I'm totally okay with that. I'm not picky. Rachel be or you think it's very why she said if you don't like the guy dating buy like his buddy. Oh might ask why not. I think it's all fair game a year. Yours is a little weird because you said you were seeing this for how many days. Us on i would say we were seeing each other for like a month ish but we never slept together or anything like that. I a back to jamie's question i think. Yes if you're in the middle of the date you realize there's no chemistry try to make it a good day. Still maybe you'll you'll still learn something from this person and just in the moment finish up the date and then call it a day. Let's wrap this up. Don't forget to submit your stories and remember you can always be anonymous. We can change your name. You change your voice can change all the names in your story michael dateable. You're dating challenge for this week. Is to send us your most ridiculous dating story. Especially if it's on par with rachel's we will be publishing some of the best ones on our website so make sure you anonymous all the parties involved to cover your ass. The most efficient way to meet new people is a combination of online and offline five hundred branches has your offline covered connect over brunch with new friends. Come alone or bring a buddy. There's always a table. Full of friendly faces memorial says an eggs benedict sign up at five hundred branches dot com and use code date able for free entry to connect with us visit dateable.

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