S3E3 Dating on a Whim

00:00:00 - 00:05:02

The Dateable podcast is an insider's look into modern dating that the Huffington post calls one of the top ten podcast about love and sex. On each episode, we'll talk to real daters about. From sex parties to sex droughts, date fails a diaper fetishes and first moves to first loves. I'm your host Yue Xu, former dating coach turned dating sociologists. You also hear from my co host and producer Julie Krafchick as we explored this crazy dateable world.

And i move so i loves. We are excited. You've join us for an older episode. While our earlier seasons were all about dating in san francisco we quickly realize all the themes. Learnings are universal for all daters so we shifted to covering dating from all around the world as the seasons. Progress to the fun part. Is things happen. I san francisco the tech epicenter and counterculture capital of the world. We love for you to keep tuning in to our older episodes. But there's no set order to listen in so feel free to jump to more. Recent seasons are relevant at for you. Enjoy the show. The dateable podcast is hosted by me. I'm you a a former dating coach. In new york turned active data in san francisco on each episode. you'll hear commentary by my co host. Michael vargas fellow dating coach with a clinical psychology background. My producer julie craft chick and other surprise co-hosts tae don't forget to check out our next event. On september thirtieth. The theme is no pants and we will again be doing a live stage performance of the old school. Tv show the dating game. Get all the details by going on our facebook. Page under dateable podcast. Our last event sold out so get your tickets soon. This episode of dateable is brought to you by five hundred brunches. Five hundred wrenches connects like minded people with similar interests to meet in real life brunch. You answer a questionnaire about your interest and how you spend your time. And then they'll match you in small groups of six to eight at a brunch spot in san francisco get a free entry into a brench now by signing up at five hundred brunches dot com and using the code date able everyone. Welcome to another episode of dateable a show that up conversation about dating in san francisco. We hear about your guys stating stories and today you get to hear my own dating story because This dating app called women reach out to me and said we're going to set you up on the state and we're pretty sure you have a good time so i'm like obviously i'm going to say yes. So it's quite the treat because The founder and ceo win is in the studio with us today. E i my date andrew. Lets me how awkward is thank you. Andrew for being guinea pig and i have been on two previous whim dates before. But this one's going to be a little bit different because obviously we're gonna do a podcast. So eve do you wanna give us a little. One liner about women is all about. Yeah sure i mean. I think you did a great job explaining it. Armato that i love is magic not messaging the idea of just getting people to meet face to face right away so on women super simple you go on which nights your free and then you see which people want meat and then beyond that. The app is going to set everything up for you. So it'll pick a specific bars specific time for you to meet up and put you in touch. Just you can confirm the details. So that's exactly what happened to us that act message both andrew nye and said Your confirmed for the state with each other at. I think tuesday night at eight pm harper and ride with. I think in between both of us. Because you're in the marine on the pill and then helped us exchange phone numbers to open up the conversation and now i'm pregnant. So yeah so. We're going to flip the script instead of me. Doing the interviewing eve is going to interview me and andrew. So i'm gonna kick out andrew right now. August it alone with his whiskey was very tall whisky. Tumbler cool so you. A thanks for opportunities to switch places with you i am so. I've been dying to ask you all week because you actually texted me. Julie like after midnight the night of your day. That like you guys. You're like totally date. Not what i expected. And then i was pressing you for details but you refused to give them to me so i'm just dying to know all week. How was the day so this is the thing because we all looked at his profile together and all of us were like he looks a little friday and honestly you can see his face any of his.

00:05:02 - 00:10:01

Does you just smiling really big. And he's with friends and like he's shirtless. And i thought okay. He's at least going to be a really fun date and he's going to give a really fun interview. That's what i thought right. So i didn't really think there was going to be much to the date other than just like two people. Having fun on tuesday night overall the date went exactly opposite of what i thought it was going to be. He's incredibly intellectual. Very smart has so much depth everything you just had a huge surprise to me as well. It's just not acting from him and when he comes back in here to be like you need to change your profile because there's just so representative of who he is and it makes me wonder like how many of us like how many of you out there. Totally misrepresenting themselves absolute in their profiles. What is what were you feeling about the whole process going into it like would you say you were more or less nervous going into a date. That's kind of just fixed up without any messaging. I think we totally bonded over the fact that this whole idea of matching and then going on a date is so opposite of what modern dating is that we can bond over that concept so so. You told me that this was his first date. He was kind of nervous. It wasn't gonna show up and i do have to. I was like fifteen minutes late. He got a little bit nervous about that. And when i finally did show up. He's like okay. You're real person as matched on a monday. Yeah and that was tuesday night. Because i had to leave wednesday so we only had one day worth of time. You get to know each other when we matched and he texted me. He's like eight o'clock harpen ri- are you still down and i wrote. Actually i'm kind of hungry. I love to get grab a bite to eat. I so then. I suggested another place with that suggestion. Did with a starting point right and that's like a lot of time. That's a hurdle with dating dating. It's just that one person making a suggest shed right so that took the effort out of it and so it was like well if a suggested polk street anyway. Let's just go up her. They have food there and drinks. And then we can. I don't know we're to heartburn right. Yeah that's perfect and we see that happen on the app. A lot actually like people will report back after their date that they you know there will be like. Oh we ended up picking another place but we still met up that night something. I'm always super curious about is the impression that we're giving off. We meet somebody in person. And how's that different from the impression. We think we're getting off. So i wanna know like already set a little bit about how he came off but i want to hear a little bit more about how you thought. He came off stereotypically. I thought he was going to be very loud and like just gregarious. I walked in expecting him to like be with open arms. Like you're you know there was nobody that fit that description and i saw this guy sitting at by himself at the bar and i walked over and i was like andrew. I was unsure if this was actually the person i was eating he just had such a quiet demeanor about him or dislike subdued confidence about him and then he was drinking a glass of wine. All right we're at upside are drinking glass of wine. He's like yeah. I don't really drink cider. I drink wine like wow. You're so sophisticated. And then he's like. I was just waiting for you to order some food because i'm not that hungry and leader. He told me he doesn't really eat on first states. 'cause he thinks it's awkward so i thought that was funny a mike. I always eat them. Stay it's always hungry. So we ordered some food and he went right into kind of like his life story. So it sounds like you. He came off to you confidence intellectual Maybe a little bit quiet quiet confidence. Client confidence. I like that. I was pleasantly surprised so then he tells me basically his whole life story and this is a big win. Someone's very interesting as interesting past. They love talking about themselves right so he did love talking about himself which i liked to because i enjoy hearing about other people's so i learned this about him. He's lived in many countries. He speaks arabic and french. He was taking chinese classes. He is a former pro poker player. He started when he was nineteen. Paid his way through with this poker money and he tells me that he's very mild mannered. Because he's learned that from poker he doesn't let anything affect to ochre fe poker face but he says it drives his girlfriend's crazy because when they're in a fight he doesn't show any sort of motions right so i can totally. He's very young software. Sorry what were you thinking and feeling at this point in the day where you actually starting to be like.

00:10:01 - 00:15:02

Oh this is cute. Like i could actually be into it or oh i feel like okay so physically. When i first met him. I was like this guy's really way cuter than expected him to be because he looks. He looks nothing like his photos. He has cutest smile like this just really ernest sweet. Smile right when he smiles. You just can't help but smile so like physically. I think he's very attractive while we're talking about kind of his background. I kept thinking like. I think i met my match in terms of someone dominating a date because usually when i go on i ate i dominate the conversation because i feel like i drive the conversation. This guy flip the script on me. He was talking about himself. And then asking you very pointed questions fro data or something like oh fro- data the whole thing sounds like pro data. Which may me skeptical right. I'm like oh maybe he's just a really sweet talker. He's obviously really good at this and he admitted at one point he's like i will always have a good date because i can talk to anyone but it's hard to but he said but hard to find a connection which is exactly what i what i feel so we're finishing up dinner at this point. I'm finishing up my cider. I'm getting a little tipsy uganda. Say anything yet. It's not much not much. So then she notices a he's like. How can i connect with you better. He said that out loud. so he's like. Are you having a good time on this date. I just want to check in right. So i thought the check ins were interesting and we. He kept checking in throughout the rest of the night. Are you having time. Do you think we're connecting you. So we go. We change bars go to basis which is like one of my favorite bars because it's very east coast. It's a new york bar. He never been there so we went there. And i think that's when things when the dynamic changed he's like something's up you have a wall up what's going on your head while she was really trying to break down the barriers and really breaking mac so then i was like fine. If you're gonna ask me this i'm gonna answer. Which is i have a lot on my mind right for one I had to go back to So cal to see my parents because my mom fell and she fractured her spine and two. I had just finished teaching a really high intensity dance class. I was exhausted. Frankly i just wanted to listen to them. Talk and i didn't really want to talk too much. So then that opened up a whole conversation about life priorities and did you suddenly feel more energized. Not i wouldn't say energize. I just felt more at ease with him. Because now we're connecting on a different level even if it is just a deeper friendship and then he walked me home and he kissed me good night. Okay whoa backup. I always want to hear the details of the kiss right at your doorstep downstairs outside my gate. How long was the case. I don't know like five. Six seven. okay is solid. It was like a solid whose assault. I a kiss. And then he was like ok. How when you get back on saturday before we record podcast. How about we hang out. Pick you up from the airport. Which is a really nice gesture. Can't do that because i have to. I have to run to something else And he's like okay. When can i see you so this is where it gets complex. Because i think timing and dating go hand-in-hand he's leaving burning man tomorrow for a whole week where he can't call or text right. He's completely untethered right then. I leave for europe for two and a half weeks. So i think it's one of those things. It's like tiny is not on our side right now but don't you think though that if the two of you are meant to actually end up together you'll find a way you know in three weeks of pass which isn't actually that much time in the grand scheme of things you'll find a way to reconnect. I think you're meant to be with someone. Obviously you find your way back to them. So this is a dilemma. I'm facing and i kind of alluded to this before eve is I'm not to seem like he's not the only person i've been seeing obviously so he was a first date. There's a person that came before him. And i really feel like in the time that we andrew. I have apart my relationship with this. Other person is just going to strengthen. Yeah it's also yeah. You might have met one time exactly. It's hard. it's not strong enough of a history for me to pine over the sky over the other laundry for three weeks. So okay so you've gone plenty of online aids in your life and scale of one to ten. How would you rate this first day. One being so one is the absolute worst like definitely never want to see their face again and ten is like a dream come true and like you hope that you eventually get married and run off into the distance I would say a nine.

00:15:03 - 00:20:06

Wow so it was an awesome. Dave really great date. Maybe it's not super romantic. I still feel like i connected with a real human being and we were just so present with each other. He didn't he you up and save what's going on and then push you to like open up and you never had that second park. How would you rate at the beginning of it. That's a great question. I would have said it was a five would have been like every other date. I've been on where you walk away going. Oh it was nice. We got to know each other but do we connect not really today get to know a real person not at all but you. You're like it was pleasant. You know so. That's a huge tip for people listening. I think like listen to how powerful it is. When you actually like cut the bs and get to the real stephanus sounds kind of cliche. Everyone's like yeah. Yeah good idea but then nobody does it. How like what percentage of your dates do you actually get to get this real on. And if felt vulnerable. And i think oh. That's the key word right. It's like feeling vulnerable around someone that's when you truly connect for me to tell him about what's going on with my family. I mean it really felt vulnerable. But that's when it's like okay. I actually can see having this person in my life. Would you go on another date with him. If i wasn't seeing someone else. I totally would right. So i don't know. I'm debating whether i should talk today or not. That's what i'm debating. Streaky what do you guys think. I think you and i think that's a perfectly valid beautiful honest thing you could tell andrew right like if it comes up while back andrew snow problems. We're just gonna get into it. I'm dying to know how was the day. I'm a little self conscious now. Because i know you just asked that question you ask but honestly from my point of the day was great. I think we had an awesome time. Let's i just want to say we're going to be totally honest. Oh no. I intend to be honest. Tens of thousands of listeners You know. I have no problem with honesty. Yeah i had a great time. I had a great time of you. Tell me what what were your thoughts going into the date based on you as profile about you know what she would be like and how the day would go. What i knew going in was that she was beautiful and that she ran a podcast. Which i found really about dating in san francisco which i found really interesting already because the topic of interest to me but also the fact that she runs. The podcast is really cool. Unique thing to do. But yeah. I was a i was a little more nervous than usual in general relative to other first dates You get to the date to the bar. I don't know who i like. Walk me through the bar on time and also. I'm not amazing about punctuality. But for first date especially with someone that i'm interested in definitely like there's a threshold of time when you're interested in somebody like you definitely get there on time sending like cleaning your room like there's any chance that she's gonna come over to your house like you clean the room so perfect but then when you've got she's come over like a few times and it's not gonna work with the first impression is already happened so i got there on time and you e did not and so i went. I got myself a drink. She texted me. Like i'll be there. You know like ten minutes late. And then i was there and ten minutes due to your mood This is something important people listening to know all the time. So i'm i'm a i would say that i'm above average in terms of my independence level. So i am actually quite happy with a nice drink just like hanging out. I don't want to have the person be there by the same token. There's only a certain amount time i'm gonna spend enjoying my drink. I i definitely had this vision of like texting you. Well you didn't show. I wouldn't say texting me to have me come out and be like. Oh well that's actually. That would have been a much better idea although it hasn't quite awkward when you showed up so actually it wasn't necessarily a bad thing that she was going to be about fifteen minutes later i think but only because when she was us kind of trying to keep me in the loop as well as going on and she was explaining that she had was teaching dance class and that was kinda why she was running late and all these things and so already was kind of like a brief window into this person who is becoming more interesting. It's like okay. Well now i kind of get a sense that this is something else that she does with her life like. She's a she's a dance teacher. That's both cool. Because like jess she's passionate about and probably 'cause us an awesome shape. Which and so. I'm i'm kind of like okay. Well i'm like she's she's texting me so i don't think he's going to flake or she's like stadium or something like that.

00:20:06 - 00:25:01

So just have a drink. And i'll hang out. And then she showed up so when she i walked in. What were your first impressions. Like physical and okay. So staff is physically. She's gorgeous. But i have gone out on dates with like people who are physically attractive. And i'm really confident. It doesn't tell the whole story in fact oftentimes might even be like an indicator that life. Someone's like two beautiful than maybe care. That actually like their priorities are a lot of wack like if they spend hours preparing on like how gorgeous they were going to be on this thing for a first date. It's like did you have anything else to do with your life at that time to heal all concerned and so in that sense like the fact that you came in from dance class got there obviously as fast as she could i think and then came in looking beautiful was obviously the a really good sign but i was probably more because she has like a radiant confidence that she carries with her. And so i was more attracted you just her showing up with swagger and sitting down. How did she show slager. Does that was actually kind of interesting. Because this is going to tie directly into my first major complaint from the date o- which is basically that she clearly has like a lot of self confidence and sort of carry that when she came in she had good body posture and she was engaging but she was also kind of sitting like a little bit far away she was kind of like back a little bit or or at the bar stool but like kind of like not really like diving into the open engagement kind of viewed as almost like a persona a very confident attractive persona but still like kind of persona holding back like not being like. Hey we're in this together. Let's like i would describe it as data talk so like what i did. Talk is not real talk. Talk is like and there's certain degrees necessarily when you don't know someone at all but it's where you sit down and you essentially have kind of like intellectual conversation that doesn't have any real attempt at connection right. get this out stuff and it's not about yourselves personal. We talked about things that we liked or we. We joked and stuff like that but we never during this part of the day. We didn't have any like didn't get through to anything that was like deeper and at this point that i was pretty sure that i wasn't going to go out with you again. I thought that i probably wasn't like again. Even though she's beautiful and cool and all these things it just felt like maybe she was reserved or like she didn't into me or something like that just didn't really want to connect. How how was the conversational genomic. Forty think that you guys were asking each other. An equal number of questions are enduring equal number equal amount of talking. Yeah this is a problem. Sometimes i think 'cause i always like i'm really interested in when i meet somebody new. But you is a great conversationalist so she had no problems at all like both answering my questions and being kind of interesting and funny about them and then also asking me questions about my life So i don. I didn't think that the issue was like one of awkwardness or one of Inability to carry the conversation or be interested in the other person had to say it was much more of a question of at. What point is this going to get to a level where we are actually going to talk to each other as we know each other instead of talking to each other as if we're never gonna see each other again and i wasn't totally sure i will see these things take time and there are a lot of things that sprinkle in just spending even superficial time with somebody that you develop some kind of like you learn about them and you listen things so you sit down and get some food. She was hungry. Just come from the stance thing and just what she ordered for. Food was super funny to me and also was very indicative of the kind of person. So i was you know or or eating a little bit prior to the date and so i get like a salad or something like that. And she's like The meatballs can we get people's. Hang those just like look. You're always wonder this. Actually when i'm ordering food and the guys are watching me with what's your thinking about her as she's ordering meatballs not so i can't speak for every guy but i can say for myself that i have. I will always appreciate and prefer a woman who gets what she actually wants. And even if like okay. I i believe in being healthy. I think that like. I want my partner to believe in being healthy like those things are important but by the same token healthy does not mean depriving oneself of all things that are joyful and if you just incredibly healthy like he just danced for like an hour she wants to come. Have some people go. So let's so.

00:25:01 - 00:30:19

In a certain sense. I can see some windows into like the real. Ua i found really attractive and in fact the fact that she wanted to really kind of funny besides sitting a little bit far back you. What was it that she was doing that major felix. She was kind of closed off Do you ever watch the movie almost famous. There's a scene where what's the kate. Hudson is talking to the little boy and she's like how old are you and he's like eighteen and she's like me too. How old are you really seventeen. And they keep doing that until eventually is like i'm fifteen and she's like see. The truth. sounds different and to me. You could really just kind of tell the way she was talking to me. It just sounded different. It almost sounded like she was hosting her podcast in our date Which again is a great conversationalist. And she's really smart and quick witted and all these things but it never got to a point where i felt like any degree of emotional connection or response from her. Not because like maybe. Because you didn't like me or something like that. I don't know but most likely because Partially because it's hard at the beginning for anyone to sit down when you've never talked to anyone before and sit down and develop a relationship out of nothing. Which i everyone finds nerve wracking so i can understand that from the beginning and then also you just don't know what's going on in her life. Maybe there are just things that are happening in her life then they get hard for her and before. I even continue with that. Like i'm putting on her right now. It's also possible that there are things in my life or the way. I was acting or or handling myself. That was making it hard for her to connect with me and so very easy to put it from an ego centric point of view this well it was just i was doing great and she was she was. It was hard for her to to open up. It seemed at that point. Like i like many others except for the fact that it was organized through women this way and it was like you know podcast about it exactly. Yeah get felt like just a normal for for normal as it could be. You really haven't had the week and a half of texting develop all this kind of prior background. Which to be honest. I one thing. I love about women's that kind of thing that a lot of the things are not super necessary. That if you like when you're gonna like them and if you don't you don't text it with someone at that was so witty and cool and then i went on a date with him. It was just like wow. This is actually incredibly boring. And i wasted so much time texting with you. So at this point you're feeling kind of about the and then what did you do next. So then this is where it went or got significantly. Better okay how did you decide to keep going at this point like it was. It wasn't like i. I still found a really attractive and it wasn't like it was again. We've known each other for like two hours hour and a half something like that. It wasn't a disaster zone where it's like we have to cut this and run. It's like i still think there. I don't have anything else plan for my night. And i still think there's something interesting or some some potential here that if she opened up. What would happen if we're able to connect. I guess there's a better way of saying it. Because i don't know if it's really on her to open up or not so. We decided to walk somewhere else. She said that she knew of a place that she really liked. And actually you kind of tell on her body language and her tone of voice that like that was like the first real moment that you were. She was talking about this bar that she really liked. And we go in there and it's she kept described as a new york bar and i love new york and it is in every way just a divy new york bar. I remember what it's called aces that's right. Yeah off and we tell that she she really liked the bar and suddenly we started talking about things that were like the threshold of realness had been crossed and we started talking about the things that were actually important in both of our lives. I might have even called her out on being. I did call her out on being like a little closed off at this point and just told her like kinda. Why are you here like if you if you are at this point like what do you want out of date or do you want a relationship and kind of like tell me what is really important to you. So is that how you guys got that. Next level of illness was with you. Sort of offering up that gentle criticism. I'm really might have been tried to reflect on it. I remember exactly what the response was except that we kind of started to transition into much more authentic connection and talked in a way that was in my view repeatable like i would like to have more conversations with her like that if that makes sense so then the conversation a lot better at the second bar the night ended i think we had one or two drinks aces and then really good time like i feel like the the connection had served transcended from the beginning initial like distance to the point where we are almost like i think in an intimate way by the end an intimate way well like there's a lot more like physical touching there was just like the from my point of view again.

00:30:19 - 00:35:00

It's kind of hard to talk about date with someone else who takes two. And so she has her own point of view which i've already recorded but you know just like touching being closer being conference the tone of voice the body language just like more affectionate and closer. I would say And then we got to her house and attor gate and exchanged a lengthy smooch. Would you say a few minutes at least so you've gone a fair number of first dates your life on a scale of one to ten. How would you rate the state I would say like probably around eight really fairly pretty good. The major distinguishing factor. Between my day with you and my date with. I other people definitely would want to go out with you again Where i feel like a even really great. I feel like i very rarely have had bad for states. But it's not always something that somebody that i necessarily would wanna go out with a second time and was that something you already had in your head even before going into the just based on your impression of her that she was beautiful and she ran a podcast. Or you're saying the date went so awesome that you want so so usually what i find. I find that you have to be a little bit selected at least for myself. I to be pretty selective for who i go out with on I eat otherwise. I fall into the kind of a similar trap that i bet. A lot of the listeners have fallen into as well. Which is you find somebody attractive. But that's not really your type or you know it's not really something that you're interested in and the end up going on what amounts to be a very superficial for state that's fun and maybe have drains may have a good time maybe even it goes farther physically or something like that but you don't actually feel a degree of connection with the person in the next day you kind of say i don't really ever actually want to talk to that person again. Even though you had a great time with them which. I'm sure it was very confusing for a lot of my first dates. We've got a great time. And then i would just not really be that interested in getting to know the person further but definitely you. I felt at the end. At least like i was. I was definitely interested in in getting more. Let's go getter. Yeah let's go get you. Let's i'm back you and she's in full battle leaner super overdressed. I didn't even. I was was just going to live with it the first time. He has seen each other. Since that first day. Yes screw how does how does it feel comfortable we did. We did talk on the phone for a little while. So it's not like it's been a complete list exists in a you. A list exists terrible soon. Okay well i hope it will keep feeling good. I'm about to drop some little bombs on you guys. It's not that often that you hear about somebody's the impression you're getting never so let me start with like the happy ending which i think as the night progressed. I think you both felt like quite positive about the toward the end. You know like you both felt like you were connecting and it was really real and genuine and authentic the first half of the night. Though the part that you guys were at What was it about cider outsider. Really fascinating so trying to think of like how to put this honestly but also diplomatically. Say okay so so you. Andrew thought you were gorgeous. I think he said gorgeous. And beautiful like eight times throughout the podcast recording but also thought that you were a bit standoffish. Maybe like putting on the side. I like putting on a persona almost Kind of like closed off and but luckily andrews not like a super mental guy so he had the awareness to ask him. He was like you know. Maybe it's not just her news on her personality. It could be like something that's going on in her life right now. It could be this particular evening. So you know i think like andrew was feeling like he just wanted to get to know you better but you were. Maybe like making it like a little difficult. That's really good feedback.

00:35:00 - 00:40:11

Because most of the time. When i go on dates i feel like i'm there to entertain my date news. I think a lot about how candidate the state entertaining. Yup definitely got that five. And i was like i wonder if she's going to stop this point our show. When you want to get to know really good feedback. And i think maybe haven't here's. I think you're both very charismatic confident personalities and so when you the both of new in they're expecting the other person to be more of a wallflower so then created it's kind of like a new unfamiliar dynamic like little harder it wasn't like dates wherever like butted heads with people before it wasn't like that i found really interesting to listen to. Yeah but definitely still have to be all i. It's kind of superficial fat. What's really interesting. Is you both had andrew. Very different impressions of how much talking each of you were doing. So you know while while you were feeling like oh. It's hard to get you to open up. I think it was feeling like you were giving her a lot of information. Okay but but she liked it and you a was she really love learning about you and I think was very pleasantly surprised. At how different you were from the file on when made you seem to change your profile. Have your profile better close to facebook to find more and then this is the second part fascinating. I've obviously senior profile as well looking at your profile. I think we all were. You know trying to figure out what's this guy going to be like on the and what's he going to be like On the podcast. And we thought that based on your photos and your profile you'd be pretty freddie and like really big personnel and you got there and i think within like five minutes. She was impressed with how worldly you were and refined and she said you have a quiet confidence which is by the way. That's like the sexiest thing. A man can have is quiet confidence and a really adorable smile. Yes it's almost like your profile isn't really doing adjustments. Thank you thank you so much easier problem. Reverse true honest void cooler le provost. Great though i think the first thing i'm really struck by is how i'm so glad that you both give it a chance to go past the first hour and a half and onto the second venue because it sounds like andrew by being proactive about just league stating the outfit in a room having trouble connecting with you can we talk about sending reeler. I forgot how you feel when i did that. Well as telling the girls if you didn't ask me these questions island walked away from that date. I like ten thirty and the like textbook good date. That's exactly what he's really. I was like we have a lot of time. I'll cast good enough material for me. Caller go ahead. You know. But i think a key takeaway is that a lot of people wouldn't be that profile not im- say listeners can take that away. Try to do that as much as possible. It's just gonna help. I think it's taught me a lesson about setting intentions when go on dates because usually my intentions are have a great date now. I think my intentions were different. Be like really gets no this. I try to think of it as getting to know a real person. Another human being and what is that light. So is this experience. Actually gonna change the way you date going forward. I think i hope it changes. Everyone's experience because ending julian. I have talked about this for so self-focused when it comes to dating that we forget to show our true selves like instead of trying to get the other person to like a sack. You let the other person. I you get to know them. I i think the hardest part is just figuring out. Why someone's actually there. So i think i even asked you that like why are you here. Like what do you want out of. This and that often is a really hard question. People to answer If i go out with someone who just wants to have a great date. I don't call them right. But like if i went out with someone that like i wanted to get to know right like you went home to your family like a few days ago and i was curious to know what that was like for her and so that is a different experience than if i just went to go have fun time. Yeah i can go to great america and have a fun time. I think you're twenty nine. We met each other in twenty nine years. Twenty nine years of information so i feel like there is a lot and you wanna tell krista about like why do you work and what are you sharing. And i think it's interesting that at the end of the day. That wasn't the part of the date that while now right just information out there and telling about their the reality is no one really cares like they just wanna like have a connection and then over time they can learn that stuff so true i mean i have to say from personal experience.

00:40:11 - 00:45:03

I would say fifty percent of the time on a first date. The guy is in this mode of. Let me show you who i am. Because he thinks that's please see. I don't know you thinks he has to sell themselves really like all. I wanna do is connect all you wanted us connection all you want to do what we do kind of to to give the fifty percent of guys here hurting about routes love. We do have to sell ourselves in a little bit like you has all you guys have lots of options. It's not it's not as though like And it's also difficult at the very beginning of a relationship when you don't know anything about the other person and social difficult to just lead off with some kind of like deep connection that lets you talk about real stuff right. I actually like the fact that we didn't talk about work. We talk about work Hours into it was like kind of a retarded three seconds. we're like okay dumb. Let's about life experiences. But i think the key takeaway is up when you start to get authentic in have that s when there was match yesterday. Yeah and like you said we all have options you have options to. Everyone is options. But it doesn't really matter. How options are you want. Her course select get to the next year. Would you go on a second date. How i feel like they should recovered themselves to each other live. I stayed timing is not on our side because we talked about this too when you have momentum in the beginning ben relationship can really build row. But we're about to enter three weeks of not seeing each other and actually a week of that. Is you at man which means no sort of communication lists however i totally agree that we definitely can't date in the next three weeks completely agreed on and also agree that it's it's definitely way more difficult to resuscitate relationship when there's like essentially space has been injected into it but that said i think you're a pretty special and cool person and so i don't it wouldn't be it wouldn't surprise me like i'll definitely you try to stay in contact with you when i get back win. Surprised if it went on again and had a great time I don't. I'm not gonna project beyond that because i really think that our next eight if there is one will be a lot more like a first date than it would be like a second or third date and no matter. What because we do this the right way. We'll still be friends. We talked about this as well. Her date as you never know at what point. Enter into someone's life when you go on a date within and you don't know who else rudeina you don't know but siege. So i was telling the girls. I think one of the other factors playing into our future is the fact that i saw dating someone before and i met them. I met this person before you. And i really think in the next re weeks. That relationship could strengthen nervous about the contents of this thing reaching the ears of the person that you're dating before we went on a date. I told them i was like. You're probably gonna hear this episode. I don't want this to be a surprise so after our date. I did text him and tell him everything a happen. And we had a phone call about two Everything i feel like. We need to speed dating general. I feel better. If i'm just wore honest and just overly honest as oceanantes drove my mouth. I also started seeing little. Lois before is out with you. It never reached the point where i felt like i had an obligation to discuss my dating activities with her. Although it was close enough. That like i was a little bit nervous about her. Listening to this. Podcast it's always difficult to say exactly like where relationship is prior to having some of these conversations like if you is a very weird thing because you kind of need to have the conversation at some point but you also can't really rush the conversation about like what we what is happening here and all those things And so so yeah. I really funny to me that you brought that up and i. It's weird typist. Conversation on a first date or after first day pay off the first date. But i want you to know dating other senior w the realities talked about the state. That was before you met this other person right. yes so it just. Things can change really quickly outlook of a few days or few hour i love the takeaway of like not taking rejection personally has and time and time again. It has so much more to do with things going on in their life and you or even how they feel about. You thought each other were awesome. I love this radical honesty. I don't know if this is like a new movement or some people doing it forever.

00:45:03 - 00:48:09

But i recently went on a date somebody for a couple of months and i remember after our pflieger after a first date which was one of those amazing days that just goes on and on and on like we'd walked through the rain we'd like made out passionate house like i was the closest i've ever gotten to love at first sight. We're of wrapping things. Up and i said what are you actually this weekend. And he looked me rightly. I and he said i'm going on some other for states and i was like. Oh why why you. Just tell me that i disagree. He goes honesty right. And i thought it was beautiful and amazing and really. What would we all lose. We don't ever have perfect like foresight. We don't really know how things will work out. And if the worst case scenario of this whole experience is that we're friends and we just like met someone that we get along with really well. That's a really like higher than average situation any advice which obviously very single so. Maybe i shouldn't be giving advice but like just what they want and and just make it like. If you're feeling something like in order for relationship to work the other person has to align with what you're feeling so you're like god. I'm so into you and they're like oh i'm not ready. Yeah that's fine. It's good to know that right. You're better off not pretending that you're not into them and so you can get along or vice versa. You're better off just putting it out there and being like hey i feel like you're not really opening up tonight. What's going on and worst case scenario. You're like well. Thank you very amazing. Is that it seemed like you. I don't wanna say single handedly but like it. Was you like seeing that one. Line that the whole date around down like you also have to feel like this isn't going well like it's done for you can turn the dynamic around with just like one line and like one expression vulnerability awesome so listeners at home so we want to hear your dating stories. We can change your name. We can protect your identity and the people involved in your story so you think he andrew for doing this. This is really uninspiring like a street. That was nerve wracking and last but not least your dating challenge for this week is to try to find a way to connect with someone on a deeper level. It doesn't even have to be on a date. Maybe try asking someone what is really on their mind. Just try it up and let us know what happens. The most efficient way to meet new people is a combination of online and offline. Five hundred branches has your offline covered connect over brunch with new friends. Come alone or bring buddy. There's always a table. Full of friendly faces mimosas. An eggs benedict sign up at five hundred branches dot com and use the code date able for free entry to connect with us visit. Podcast dot com. You can also find us on facebook twitter and instagram. All under dateable podcasts.