S4E10 The System

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The Dateable podcast is an insider's look into modern dating that the Huffington post calls one of the top ten podcast about love and sex. On each episode, we'll talk to real daters about. From sex parties to sex droughts, date fails a diaper fetishes and first moves to first loves. I'm your host Yue Xu, former dating coach turned dating sociologists. You also hear from my co host and producer Julie Krafchick as we explored this crazy dateable world.

This episode of dateable is brought to you by five hundred brunches. Five hundred branches connect like minded people with similar interests to meet in real life over brunch. You answer a questionnaire about your interest and how you spend your time. And then they'll match you in small groups of sixty eight at a brunch spot in san francisco get a free entry into a brench now by signing up at five hundred brunches dot com and using the code date able everyone welcome to another episode of dateable a show all about dating in san francisco on each episode. We opened up a candid conversation about dating. And today we're about to get real. I have a feeling jenny staring at me. She's like i'm dying to tell you a story. I don't know what it is. I can't wait to hear girl but let me give some stats about who you are is in her thirties. She's been in san francisco for five years. She's in a relationship also dating at the same time so and technically married. Yeah okay yeah. I saw that too. So you're technically married also in a relationship and dating at the same time yes. You're just covering all basis. Yeah so i had a system. And i think that's why maybe you're losing to yeah and sims or things. I think a lot of people don't know about so. So i know foremost i'm still married. But we separated like over two and a half years ago so when i got back out into the dating scene. It's a very uncomfortable. Seen to be in coming from a married point of view right you've got like one guy It's like it's like only on. It's not an open relationship. it's not polly. it's just it's like a very. It was a very conservative relationship. And then now that i'm back out into the dating pool. I guess it's very different. There's a lot of people. Who who very pauly or very open or dating. It takes time to get to the point where you're actually in a relationship relationship and it takes time to even have to discuss it so before you actually get there which where currently when i'm dating you have to just waste time to know whether or not you want to continue into a relationship with somebody and if somebody is even interested in having an exclusive relationship because you also have surreal daters which i think is currently possibly me at this point in time. How long were you married for over ten years. Wow i know. I look good. I got married when you were eleven. So jenny is so. Is your story related to this or something completely different. So so this system is this. are you ready. Because whoever's listening to this oh my god they're gonna thank you so much for hearing. This seems to have a system of five men at any given time okay. This is how the system works. You have men number one member one is somebody you're never gonna fall in love with ever he's going to be our fuck friend okay and and it's really just for the necessity of having a really good fuck when unit at any time. So so i call him. Mr reliable. mr reliable will be over in a half an hour with champagne and flowers whenever you call her text done right so that way ladies then or possibly minute you know. Men have their systems to are not thirsty when they go out on dates. Because that's like really really evident. You cannot got an a day and like be horny. It's not possible. This is also something else which is kind of weird maybe But prior to having sex with anybody. Who's new. I call it like an on boarding process. Here's your training. Packet your voicemail. I i wanna see like i want. I want them to be sex positive enough or these self caring enough to have an to test ready in their email to me and if not then they should go get one and it's not just for like hiv or like there's a list of six or seven of them Which i give them an asked him to make sure that that's what they're tested for. And i provided. I provided my mind as well. Men number two is a guy who kind of has everything in the right place. You look at the profile. looks good. he's got a stable job. He's really good bed He's good looking. He treats you well but some things often not quite got his shit together in some realm. And you're kind of waiting it out to see how it goes could also be somebody that you've dated only for short amount of time and you're waiting to see what the next step is.

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In the meantime you have to fall back on mr reliable because you cannot be media on mr number two. Who's mr questionable. he's he's mr questionable. So you've got mr reliable mr questionable. But he's in the running but he's also the most notable to get like Chopped off an explain. Why in a minute back gesture really scared me. Not that often but chopped off from the system from the system and the reason why 'cause he's not stepping up to saying yes i want to be exclusive. He's not stepping up so he's just kind of stay in limbo and that's okay but like its first short period of time because there are another three men after that so the three other men are usually first time dates so you got on first time dates and also i am like really well known for the five minute date yet. You're well known for that. Yeah because you know like most time. So there's there's a system but we'll get there. Let me let me explain the flipping. The three guys. The three guys are usually first dates. And they're on a rotation schedule so so usually every three weeks. If not one of those three guys has impressed. You go into a second date then you have a whole slew of new three guys the following week. So let's say one of those three guys is like somebody that kind of piques their interest and it's like you want to see him again the following week you have the rotation a schedule of new states of only two guys and you repeat one of the third okay and you continue on until that guy steps up and knocks off number two. Like game of thrones of dating right. Who dies so. That's that's the seven to meet the maximum amount of guys to not be thirsty and still present yourself. A very lady like way in dates And at the same time figure out. Who's going to be. You know somebody might want to spend more time with all five basis filled. No i stepped down from my rotational on taking a small break. Because i'm just really busy professionally. It's like a job in itself that is so it's not. It's not because of the pre date so after he meets somebody. Most people are currently meeting online and And it's great if they can meet in person but let's say most people now anyways are meeting online first things first after the profile. Great i want to talk to them in person or on the phone list because often their voices are very strange and i find it sometimes putting If like dude sounds like like really high pitched or something. It's it's probably wanna meet him if the guy sounds great And continues being super charming like on a phone conversation. All meet with them so if they're going to give me the option to choose and i'm gonna do i'm gonna always choose coffee because it's noncommittal and i'm not choose it right next to my house. Although he doesn't know where my houses. If i go and i don't feel anything i usually know within the first minute or to even i can judge really quickly. I can know right away whether or not. There's going to be chemistry or not or if i want to pursue anything especially with mississippi i have places to go people to see so i mean within the first five minutes if i know like if i see already that this is not going to be somebody for me. I feel a little guilty. They take money out. And i put it on the table to cover my coffee and his and i say thank you. But it's not gonna work out for me. And i get up and leave. Oh drive-by dating. Yeah how does a guy usually react when you leave a date within five minutes it depends but this is actually a very good test. If they're mature they're like oh okay well you thanks for covering my coffee like i actually think that's quite nice And it might make me even think twice. Maybe but if the guy's gonna pull attention than it's great. Because i really don't want to be involved in a guy with a guy like that because it means that they're really immature and something as small as that. Miniature rejection is going to affect them so badly. What's going to happen with bigger situat- like big issues. This is just my my current my current system. I mean. I have a guy who i think is really really good. We'll see if he steps up. He's number two but he's very susceptible to being chopped off. Why because he's not. He's not stepping up fast enough yet. We'll see where he goes. How did you come up with a system. When i was going out with just regular guys and i didn't have any system i got hurt quite a bit. You know and like i would go with like one guy like. Oh my god. He's beautiful or like all like head over hills because it was the first time i was with a guy who was like you know in a in a while because i was married And then took some time off before i decide to date and Doing that like repetitively because the guy would be like busy with other girls. I couldn't so i come from a culture where you don't actually date multiple people at once you date one person For a little bit and then if it doesn't work out you dump them and you go onto somebody else.

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it feels hurtful. If the guy's out dating so many other people like you have to be on the same page. And so that's why i decided to come up with the system because i figured oh well okay if these dudes are all going to be dating other people well then maybe i should too so. I'm not like so hooked on one. Do you ever feel like because of the system. You don't give someone a full chance. Like i guess that's the downside of cereal eating. Well i mean it's the same thing for online dating swipe left you don't give someone a chance so it's the same. It's the same thing. I think i want to go. Dive deeper into each guys role on your life. Oh boy okay good thing. I don't have a date tonight. You could just invite him here. No no no. No mr reliable. How how does he introduce you. Most of his friends know me even if we have met before so so like like he introduces jenny. Craig for example. And i know you do so. Yeah so they kind of they kind of know of meal ready so it's not like yes to say this is like my girlfriend or my friend or whatever just says this. Is you know jenny. And what about your friends. Do they know about your relationship with them. They know ever system absolutely and do they know that he's mr reliable. Absolutely you can answer this or not because you have a child right. I do which is also why. I will never have mr reliable as like a. He's almost as mature as my my my child. I will never introduce this has also this is really important for any women who are going to be dating Who have kids well. I guess it's personal. But i will never introduce anybody to my kid at all until i'm sure that this guy went from number two to i guess mixture of number two number one right. Yeah i want i want. I want him to be like you know the man that i think that i could actually pursue a future with so what happens when you get in a relationship. It's happened once before. okay Where i broke up with him. Because i went to pursue an exclusive relationship which worked out really well and That was excellent for me. You like taking charge. Yeah i do do by also like it when the guy can can take charge too so yeah it's a it's a give and take you know what's interesting about you is that you'd like taking charge but you also like you said appreciate a guy who takes charge but i think that's what creates a little bit of confusion for men is that you give off this air that you are like the the dominant personality and so when a guy asked you out. They may think well if she takes charge. She has her own ways of doing things. So i'm going to let her ho Fuel that so. I don't want a guy like that i don't at all who's actually very similar to mr world liable by the way like let's always take charge. Which is okay. I do like to take charge it systems in place and whatnot But when i see a guy can step up and like stand alongside me or even wants to talk a little bit and is making like right decisions. holy shit. do i get turned on. What is your ultimate goal here with dating really simple. I wanna find one guy that can create a really meaningful relationship with and and create a future width. Do you want get married again. I don't know. I don't think i would want to do that again. Do you want any more kids. I know you can't tell my age by looking at me. But i'm up there and my factory is closed. The amount of change relationship goes through after having a kid is really different. If you don't rediscuss these things and not many people know to rediscuss these things. So it's really. It's really stressful. You know to be like this wonder woman of you know being super entrepreneurial at the same time being able to run an entire household. That doesn't really work out very well. It's very difficult you can have like a give and take And it depends who you're with if you really with a good partner. Maybe they'll pitch in. Or whatever i don't know but it stresses a relationship very much so as a something you've discussed with mr questionable i did and oh my god. He gave the best answers before getting to what he said. My friend gave me the best advice. ones We were both at the same time and we both actually went through breakup. The same time to top it all off and and she said you know jenny. If you don't want if you have a child you only know if you want to have a child if you feel comfortable raising a child by yourself that's when you know you really want trial and so that's that's how you know whether or not you want children.

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And so once. I was able to figure that out and i had a discussion with mr questionable. He actually said that he's come to the point in time in his life where he decides he decided that if it happens it happens. If it doesn't it doesn't he's not hung up on it. And i was like oh my god score and his views on marriage. We didn't discuss those. I guess i wasn't. I wasn't really you discussed kids but not marriage interesting well for me. It's not something that i'm really Interested necessarily in pursuing at this time because not enough time has. Isn't this funny. Actually if we take a step back. I'm talking about the possibility of marrying someone after being like six or six or seven days or so with them but i think at a certain stage in your life. Why waste time dating someone that you don't have any intentions of staying together with for a long time. Right yeah but then. What does marriage is marriage. Part of that equation of sting together. Like it depends. I mean i really like living on my on my own. I really like Being really independent. I like i like my life right now. Very much And if he's going to be part of it. Yes it's possible but i don't know there's a piece of paper really really make more committed to me or something. I mean i don't know so i wanna bring this full circle before i do. My takeaways is that in the beginning of our conversation. You said i'm sort of in a thing but it's undefined. Oh that's the. That's mr question of our time now. I know full circle right. That is mr questionable. So when do you think this relationship will be defined. I don't know. I don't know i have to so far. Feel so good with him. I wanna go through a period where maybe things aren't sorority. And see how he reacts like. What if i'm talking so much about specific restaurant and dying to go. Eat and make me so happy. And i've been craving this food for so long and i go on and on and on on the day about this restaurant but i make sure that the restaurant is full and i can't get in. I see his reaction and it's resourceful or like he's calm and smooth. That's incredible that's like skills. And i would wanna pursue something with a guy like that but if somebody loses it if he loses it and says oh no she had reservations like what what she's been talking like a piece of losing it like wait staff if somebody is rude tweet staff cut. Are you happy with the way things are going right now. While i'm really fulfilled by a lot of things in my life. And so yes i am. I have true love with my child. And so i feel that all the time whenever i need to feel the love. I don't know if i've ever said this before. But i think having a kid almost makes dating a little bit better because it fuses your attention i was gonna ask to if you guys think because you've been married before you don't have as much pressure. Is i think a lot of people. Once they hit thirty feel the need. I need to get married. I need to get married. You're really right about that. I think you raise a great point. I think a lot of people do have that pressure. I have a lot of friends who are you know even in their late twenties See that they're like super field pressure. All their family is putting pressure on them. It's incredible minor lake. Just just stop getting married. Don't do it again okay. Yours is like i just wouldn't feel fulfilled. Yeah that's all i want. Ultimately life right and for some people they think fulfilment equals marriage or equals a committed relationship. But i guess you're seeing the bigger picture because you've been there. I've already been there. And actually i've been there twice which we didn't we didn't. Oh yeah. I was married once very young. Yeah but i left that relationship quickly but what you did say was Really important and i'm gonna reiterate that having a child puts everything else in perspective everything else and so if that gives me more confidence if it gives me More goals if i'm more goal oriented because of it. I i know exactly what i want bigger picture of like. We've said it that its relationship isn't gonna make you happy. You need to light and sound health. Yeah like you need to get there yourself through whatever else you need to feel fulfilled without a relationship and your life and that's the only way to in in a healthy relationship and to maintain it because a lot of people get lost especially so i i feel bad having to keep seeing this after a you. Know woman gives birth Often they get lost in their self. I got lost and myself identity. I mean i was no longer. This big Whatever it is in my industry.

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I became mom and and it was different because my body was different and it took a lot of time to get things back into into shape and you lose yourself and so it's really important that if you're going to be in a relationship i think and i feel kinda sleep. Maybe even giving advice considering not really currently in one yet. But i think that You have to fulfilled but you have to also find a way to stay fulfilled independently but at the same time. Allow someone else in your life and the question of the day so this person is a mother and she's asking basically. When do i disclosed new dates. I need online or wherever that. I have a child's. Ooh good one so it depends on depends on her. I can do one of two ways and it depends also on the platforms that you're using for dating profiles but sometimes i included picture with me and him and it's a really clear that he's mine because he looks exactly like me although i do blur out his is By you point that out there and sometimes i put it in the profile itself. I think as a date or a guy had a child win. Would i wanna know. I wanna know right away i would wanna see and their profile or i would want to know on the first day. Yeah yeah any other takeaways that we can think of. I really think finding your own system with dating is the way to go. Everyone has their own system. It's not one size. Fits all find your own rotation or rotational. 's that's always a great way to go but some people may have to do at a time. I know people who are just that kind of data that suits them. Find your own system and stick to it there you go. I would also say this is just a little bit of advice for men because there are a lot of very strong women in the city who are in the driver's seat of their lives and they've achieved quite a bit of success in their life. This doesn't excuse any guy to make less of an effort when it comes to dating these. Yes and i think that's the common misunderstanding. Sometimes i have many guy friends who say well. She's independent woman. She's like beyond say you know she can take care of herself. She has it together. she's also very. I'm sure she's very particular. So i'm just going to have her plan these dates or decide if she wants to take uber or lift. Because i don't wanna be fighting with her in terms of what we wanna do. I don't want a day so for me. That kind of guy sounds like a pussy. I don't wanna date a pussy. No i guess. Just don't assume don't just assume. I think i think one great way to look at this is to improve your communication skills and ask okay. You're obviously very independent woman. Do you prefer for the guy to plan dates or do you prefer to plan them yourself right like is that like. Let's talk about preferences is one way to do it. Let's just be very upfront from the very beginning. At least i know what your preferences are. So just because i'm independent and maybe other women Aren't maybe it's just because they have to be like. I'm a single mom who's scott this career going on like like i have to be independent but it doesn't mean necessarily that i don't want somebody to take care of me. Sometimes you know maybe you can get chocolates even if maybe don't like chocolates although it do after it goes so long because it goes so far i agree. I agree well jenny craig. Thank you so much for taking time out of your busy schedule. Empire coming recording for our podcast. These these sign up true. Jenny craig this up. Thank you so much jennifer coming and any time telling us your system. Were always interested to hear about people's dating systems so listeners. A home if you have your own system contact us. We wanna know. Wanna have you as a guest on our show. If you didn't know already we can protect your identity just as we have widget jenny. Craig imposter okay. We can also protect the identities of the people involved in your story and with that said stay all your action item for this week is to focus on the big picture with dating. It's really easy to get caught up in the game playing winning someone's affections or how to maximize your results on dating apps. But ask yourself this. What is it that motivates you to date. What are you ultimately looking for. An aside from dating what makes you feel fulfilled. The fact is dating is a part of life and all the other factors in your life will affect it so when you have a better idea of the big picture you'll see how these factors in your life work together and the better you'll understand what ultimately drives you if you're feeling a little fatigued by dating or if it's literally your fulltime job maybe it's time to step back look at the complete picture and hopefully put things in perspective.

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