S4E11 Crazy Festival Wives

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The Dateable podcast is an insider's look into modern dating that the Huffington post calls one of the top ten podcast about love and sex. On each episode, we'll talk to real daters about. From sex parties to sex droughts, date fails a diaper fetishes and first moves to first loves. I'm your host Yue Xu, former dating coach turned dating sociologists. You also hear from my co host and producer Julie Krafchick as we explored this crazy dateable world.

This episode of dateable is brought to you by five hundred brunches five hundred brunches like minded people with similar interests to meet in real life over brunch. You answer a questionnaire about your interests and how you spend your time. And then they'll match you in small groups of sixty eight at a brunch spot in san francisco get a free entry into a brench now by signing up at five hundred brunches dot com and using the code date able everyone welcome to another episode of dateable a show that opens up a canna conversation about modern dating. I am just blushing right now because we have the bachelor in the house off. His name is brian and he the bachelor on our first rendition of dateable game. Show how are you. Bryant contents insert some stats about this handsome stallion. Here he's been in. Sf for a year. He's twenty nine years old and he's currently dating around dating around not fully tied down but have a few girls in the mix. I'm guessing that's fair and one of them festival wife will. What does that split sure. Yes so festival. Wife is so festivals are obviously unique experience. Where you get to go to different see different music and and different stages and whatnot and maybe if you're into that sort of thing and you know sometimes you meet some really cool people and you know sometimes it's the member of the opposite sex and you kind of it in a little bit and whatever and if you guys hook up and it's a nice benefit but it's more about the true ones. It's more about the music than it is about the you know it is it is though so this is someone you meet. Maybe on day one of the festival and you guys sort of commit to each other in for the rest of the time and it's unsaid is just sort of like okay. I like you you like me. let's hang out. We have the same. Music tastes beautiful thing. I'm friends with all of my former festival wives in a plutonic sense except for the one that we're about to talk about because there's a reason why over the summer i had one where it was You know what was one of those physical chemistry con things started hanging out on the second festival or whatever and we started hanging out after the festival which is you know sometimes can be cool and sometimes you make a friendship and sometimes it's just you know it is what it is. I quickly realized. I'm a lot older than she was a little bit younger. She might have been a little bit. More I don't like to call women the see. We're but she might have been a little crazy thanking a little crazy. And i kinda quickly realized that and she was pressing me like going on a date by texting me like you know. I don't think we can keep it casual. That'd be great. But i don't think i see us really going anywhere and actually tell her that we're in the text conversation when she was like. Oh we should get dinner and like hanging out this weekend. I was like okay like if we can keep a casual crate. If you want a little bit more. I just want to be a friend. I don't think this is going to go anywhere. okay. But i'm going to interrupt you there because as a woman. I'm like what what i be doing to give off the c word. What are some of those signals shirt. That's crazy crazy. Really wanna hit home really hard crazy. So it's a little hard to come back to reality right so everybody takes up monday tuesday off so we did kind of a decompression day on monday which i didn't really think too weird invited over watch movies so we want to weed hung out watched you know hooked up and then like on tuesday. I went back to work. And she's a student so she like went home and did her whole thing. Whatever she's in college just waiting for but doing the thing right so then then but like the texts didn't stop right so we had hung out a whole all day sunday all day monday but then on tuesdays texting stop so the crazy came out when the hexed and stop near the crazy came out when she facetime me on tuesday night after. You just saw her on monday. You went to work tuesday. And that night she facetime you. Why is that weird. That's a lot for somebody. You just met a a lot am i.

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I guess you're gonna look at me like on. The c word was like it was like very like for lack of a better way of bringing mundane conversation. How's your day going. what are you doing. We're listening to right now. Dad kinda not like. Oh i wanted to tell you something by the way like or like. Oh hey do you wanna like do this thing. i'm friday. It was like trying to keep a conversation and a dialogue going immediately. She facetime you. You accepted her call. You didn't know. What did you do. Know i'd takes a. Hey what's up. I'm out with my friends so he always wanted to see your face. That didn't really stop. Y y you want to hang out. Why facetime me. aren't you. Takes me back. Those all are i. Don't care what gender you are if a guy does that if a girl does that like you can't over commit to early okay. Then them what happens. She tried to get my buddy that was trying to get with her friend involved. She's like owing him at work. She's calling me at work. That's when it was like okay. We need to just call it. And so i said i was like you know like maybe if we keep casual maybe see each other out whatever fine and then i started to see the infamous three bubbles pop up in the texts. I have never seen a text long enough. That i had to actually click on the text message to expand the tech into a notepad style novel i hope for for her sanity say i hope she was using a laptop and not using her thumbs because it was epic and it was like a google doc. Link yeah yeah and it was his whole thing about how i made her feel crazy and she wasn't actually crazy which we all know. That's a pretty dull. They'll sign and this whole thing. About how. I how i was crazy how i did not talk to people and i. I was bad person and all this now again. We had known each other for all two weeks and hung out all three times and there was this whole you know commentary about my life and her life which i had no business in but she was criticizing you as a human being. Oh absolutely personality type. My values my decision making so she got a wife in a way a divorce. You didn't understand the whole dynamic of a festival wife you can put it that way. I do think that's borderline crazy. And i also think she overreacted. Sure on the spectrum of crazy. I've heard way world stories really not Show up to your house and slash your tires and key or car kind of crazy. But i think both women don't fall on that like i think not having most of them are more on this example but they do get the crazy label from a lot of times. So at what point did you put the crazy label on her. It was like we can have of like constantly needing text back asking why she wasn't getting into expect me explaining at work and then involving my friend constantly pressing him for what. Are you guys doing this weekend. Why won't he answer. Why won't you answer and just became it became almost. It seemed like obsessive. And that's that's on the crazy word starting at thrown around up. I can only speak for myself. But i think i've definitely been there. I've definitely been crazy one. But i can sort of see where she's coming from when she says you made me crazy not that i think she should blame you but there were moments in my early dating career where liking a guy so much made me crazy. Made me want to know where he was. Maybe wanna know if he was going to text me back. And i think that's i don't think that's a female or a male thing i think that's just human nature of like you've like someone you want to see where it's going and what happened is is it someone else. Is it me. did i do something around. Then you kind of get your own head about it. I think there's a definite line now. Because i've been with you like in that sense of wondering when he's gonna checks fat but calling him out asking why he's not texting back known each other for less than a week. There's certain things that are common sense. I think i've definitely done the three response thing that third texts get judgment and i think that's everyone's kind of done that or been there at some point. Yeah you're still wondering why have to send an awfully what's funny. Is that if you flip it. If you flip the roles and a guy was the one that was sending these texts.

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I have a girl would call him crazy. But i just know it takes a lot for me to call a guy crazy. I've had guys who've done the texting thing. And where are why having you call me back leaving weird Voice messages but never in my mind. Did i think of that guy is crazy i think. Oh that guy's desperate for is. I think a better way of putting the unanswered texting. Yeah i think the crazy almost comes up diabolical like they're trying to get you to say certain things or act a certain way or of voca certain reaction out of you. The knipling. Exactly that to me is more like okay. This person actually might be a little crazy. The defaults allows has been will say is sure easy whether they are the default. We're within say he's an asshole and women do the same to women. Seems crazy almond word. These women describe other women too. But it's not very common to describe men that way. Why is that though because there are some crazy men out there. Like it's a desperate as aggressive Maybe a little bit intimidating or you know but never have. I ever been like that guy's crazy he keeps calling me guy's crazy you never call a woman and asshole either our biggest. You call her a bitch but like assholes always thrown around from. I ran into whatever friends like two weeks ago. And she's like kind of an asshole Default were it's for some reason. I responded with its pronounced douchebag and thank you very it's right gender roles that are already shut and then for us to use verbiage to describe someone retrofits them in two. We already know so by calling someone of by saying someone's oh text me so much or their facetime me me when i don't want to. You can retrofit that into a woman who is crazy or a man who's desperate. Those are the two preset. Yeah but i guess what does that word crazy meet if you call a woman crazy. Does that mean screws got a screw loose. But what does that mean for you. What what does it imply. Does it mean because she's crazy. I never wanna see her again. Because she's crazy. I wanna stay away from that type. What what does that imply for you. You're probably means you don't wanna like interest serious relationship or the person because you don't know what they're like. What two months. Six months a year is gonna look like they're already giving you red flags being air quotes crazy That early on do you really wanna. What about hooking up. Oh right see. That's why that's why i phrased it the way. Did i think a lot of guys are like. Oh she's crazy. She must be great bed. There's a hot crazy scale. Yeah right oh yeah absolutely. We're all looking for that break. Even so i hear from a lot of my guy friends. It's okay for girl to be a little bit crazy. That's what it is ladies. You know me both very well. I think you're a dude. I really think you're sure. I'm not this way i'm not looking. I'm not looking for a normal boring. You know what i mean. I'm not looking for every friday saturday. We're going to sit on the couch and watch grey's anatomy right. Yeah we all have our chil- weekend nights that's fine but you know takes a certain caliber of person. I think to keep up with a person has a high energy level and likes to go out and be extroverted. And i think a little crazy is not the worst thing you know so to this example of this girl the hot crazy scale that you're trying so she because she's beautiful her face timing you. That tuesday was like all right. It's a little bit weird out of my comfort zone. She's a little crazy. But that's okay but when it started being not okay. Was the nonstop. The non subtext thing the paragraphs calling the friend who she also met quite literally less than two weeks prior and she was acting like a grown up together. That's when it's like okay. I have never in my time either myself or one of my friends started casually hooking up with someone and been like oh. I'm just going to call her friend and like see if that's the angle right even like someone you're dating you're gonna deal this with you. Not your friend ryan lovers and ready. It's none of their business right. What i find fascinating about this this okay. I'm starting to think about if you actually felt a connection with her. None of this really wouldn't matter that much said it in one of our early episodes.

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Look if you like the person anything they do is you. Yeah you don't anything they do. Courtesy definitely there's definitely some value did feel a connection with her in the capacity of like we were partying so but then once like kind of cells in if you don't kind of both settled back into normal life together in the right way that's when it becomes. Maybe this is again a festival wife and not a serious thing. You think the context. I contact contact of everything. If you'll say likely tinder sure hookup app. Connotation they don't take people they meet their serious as they met the same person out like in the wild in the wild and it could be the same person ashley. Sure it's interesting to me. That context plays so much into this. Because i call this a reality. Tv effect. why people on the bachelor fall in love within two weeks is because no other real factors come into play there transported to some deserted island and they're given all the money and resources and food and everything's provided for them so you don't think about reality same with the festival. It's not reality so it's almost like you're on a reality tv. Show all the environmental factors. Are there for you to quote unquote fall in love. Everyone's on vacation everyone's in a great mood music's great you know everyone's partying i can call. It is ambitious or let are lowered. Ambitions. or you know. Everyone's kind of just having a good time seeing how the day or night takes them and then we hear the story a lot. I went on this date with the sky or i went on the state with this girl. Amazing i skate and never heard from them again. Where i met this person at this event and it was amazing but never heard from them again. I think we need to step back and think about how much context came into play with how you felt about that person. I've been to places where i meet someone. I see them in a certain light. And i'm like wow you're amazing and then go on a hike within the next day and be like what was i thinking and there's also been the reverse you see certain people in different light and you're like oh my feelings for you completely change so i think we don't. We don't need you beat ourselves up too hard if a date goes really well but then it doesn't turn out into anything because there's context that comes into play. Have you ever been in that position where you like someone so much you keep on trying to contact them and they are not reciprocating. I've definitely again. I've done like three or four texts nor responds been fires. It and like waited. Maybe like a day texts. So was it something. I said or something like that but i didn't i didn't necessarily have to like i'm gonna tax you a paragraph thing by did have one situation. It's funny actually met her also. Nfs tivo so maybe just maybe don't mean women at festivals exactly. Let's call it right there. It became this like chess match. It was weird. Where i think. We're both busy. But i was younger. I was like twenty four ish right and she was by grad ecology twenty two and. We started to do the thing it was like. Oh well you can text me back for fifteen minutes. So i'm gonna wait to take you back for twenty minutes. And it just deteriorated. Ause just like not talking to each other and not actually texting each other and then it just kind of naturally dissolved and nothing. And so i actually learned from that i was like i have no need to play games like that again and i want to talk to you in a text you you don't wanna take some back fine but i'm not gonna like if if i was in a meeting and you texted me and i come out of that meeting and then i'd text you right back great. I'm gonna take you if i'm free i'm gonna take we all have our phones all the time. I'm like like there was one time when i was dating this guy. In new york we had been seeing each other for maybe a month or two and felt really good and i texted him something. Like what are you doing sunday. And he never texted me back. So i was just took that as okay. Guess he's ghosting meter or whatever and a month later. I see him at a bar and i'm like hey whatever happened because i thought it was something really great that we had and he's like how come you never texted me back and i was like way. You didn't text me back. Because i asked you what you're doing sunday. And he's like. I never got that text so i don't believe i don't know because we ended up dating for a little bit after that and he still claims that that's what happened but i find that it's a little bit hard to believe. Because how do you really miss a taxed could. At and t. or rising. Be that bad. I feel like i used to be that person that was like wait forever like the game and then my ex boyfriend was on the phone but not agree texter and there were times he wouldn't reply tax out of another one because i knew where we stood question it.

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I would challenge you here situation. We really liked that person. Like why not have to lose at that point. I think it's the thought that you can proofread your texts right you can. You can sit there and drive yourself crazy on. This doesn't sound like me. Doesn't and i used to be guilty of it too or i used to over my youth over. Thank by adult. I over think everything and i started like text someone something instead of just hit and san okay. They'll text me back. 'cause that's what adults do i would read it and then like adjusted and some attacks and to your to that example though like i think maybe he saw it and didn't respond and just didn't want to come off as an asshole war. No he said it's don't over analyze like if someone both people wanna see each other all the time it will just be natural course. If one person does the other person doesn't it's force in that we've talked about. That isn't natural definitely. Definitely i think what we tend to do. Because dating is so convoluted these days that when we half an ounce of chemistry or an ounce of connection we want so hard to build upon that because we think it doesn't come in around that easily which is true but at some point where you have to understand where you're pushing the envelope forcing somebody to happen versus nurturing something and i think when you've when you're forcing something to happen is when you start wondering what your partner's doing that's red flag number one to when you are insecure about your own actions when you're rereading your tax over and over when you're pushing yourself when you know that person doesn't text you back and i think three is when your friends start calling you out. I think friends are really great with that when they say you know why. Are you dwelling over the sky. Or why are you dwelling over this girl. There's someone else out there who's excited about you. So why are you wasting your time on this person with all the people i ended up in great relationships with i never wondered and questioned my actions. I never wondered or questioned about his actions. I responded to every text message. Because i respected him so much i i wanted to write like all. The rules are thrown out the door. And we say that all the time but it's also about just win win things work when you feel like this is a person for you. Nothing else matters. You shouldn't have to try that hard. If shouldn't be that hard and they shouldn't give you so much pain and they shouldn't give you so much frustration. They should make you feel crazy right. I think that goes back to my point earlier. Two hundred view but link sending the second text message yes. If you don't feel the person say page don't do it but if you don't questioning their motives and it doesn't matter it really doesn't matter yeah. You should just feel comfortable in whatever actions you take and i think when you start questioning and when you start forcing things to happen. This is what this is how people become obsessed with celebrities. you'll hear about stalkers and people were obsessed and they're like you know groupies people become crazy about celebrities because there's no reciprocation so when you feel crazy about someone when you get to. That point is because they're not reciprocating. Know that that's a huge signed for you okay. Question of the day. One comes from gary iona successfully event planning startup where i need to go to all these events. Basically nightlife is my life. I love my job. But i also listen to your podcast episode about perceptions and i know that according to social media my presence makes me seem like on a partier. I'm looking for something real. I'm looking for something long term. How do i give off the impression that i'm serious about dating without compromising my career to great question. I think he has to be honest about his career. I have a lot of photos on social media that we give off the impression that i go festivals and that i do believe right and that's fine i go on this call holy ship and we have this thing right after leadership. That's called i do this to do that. And it's literally people posting side by side photos of them in normal life compared to the most crazy thing they did on holy ship so there's one guy had a full doctors the stethoscope on with his badge and everything in an elevator. And it's really nice like frame photo and the other photos him.

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A champagne dumped on him in a hot tub on holy ship. So i think as long as the people are willing to to get to know you as a real person and understand that yeah you like. Do you like to do on your personal time. And maybe like to go out on the weekends and go to listen to dance music or go to clubs or you know. Do whatever it is that you like to do. But that there's another side of you probably to your. It's good to show different sides of you. I think for gary. It's always important to show the different dimensions of we are. I love that. I do this to do that. If you can show if your life if your career is event planning nightlife maybe every once in a while throwing a picture of you and pajamas and be like tonight. I'm not going out. I'm celebrating because i'm not going out straight just showing different sides of who you are. I think people be more accepting of your your life. I think to his point or question. He needs to find someone. That's gonna take the time to get to know who he actually and not just judge what he does for a living. Maybe my guess is is a very strong personality. Type the outgoing type. He's good at connecting people. It doesn't mean that out getting really fucked up all weekend every weekend. He could just be at work and he happens to have to. You know likes to do that so i think he needs. Find a person that's going to take the extra time to to get to know him. And to caveat all of that maybe on his tinder profile he doesn't just have a bunch of party photos of him pouring champagne saving. That's the other half naked. People right. I also think that people might hate me for saying this but i think because we're constantly evolving. If this is career maybe he needs to think about evolving his career right. That's a great point this not to be in the nightlife business for the rest of your life. If you're looking for something stable for example maybe this is an arm of your startup that you can hand off to someone else who's younger. Who's the party or who wants to be in the scene and you start like day planning business. You know where you're doing weddings or corporate events like the open to a change in your career if and you're really looking for something different in your personal life or he could even be a night live consultant where he does during the week and he's like how could you make your weekend events better and to your point right. Have that young college intern. That likes to go out and beat the guy that's snapchat for him and all that stuff but you know maybe it's your point again evolving himself into more wedding planning or more you know how do you host this charity events and things like that. You're gonna be fine. Gary your party persona interest is interesting. Yeah sure is like so many of us. Put that out looking at one right now. I get all the time before we even met you. I heard about. You and chris are beautiful. Chris's like bryant would make the best boyfriend for someone. And i was like okay. Show me his pictures. And i was really bad and i was like really. Are you serious this guy. That's just like in a tank top party. So i think again. We love this topic perceptions and i want to turn it over to our listeners. Who have a good story about how they change their social media presence or how their perception of themselves changed over time. Whatever that story may be and also just evolution of you are. I love hearing these stories. How you grew to be the person that you are today how you made those changes in those milestones in your life only hear those stories in any dating related stories today. Have we'll call you crazy teaching. Yes yes i want to if you are a crazy person and own. It's you you're proud of it. We want to interview you the evolution of crazy. We want to hear from you. We can anonymous your identity to protect you and last but not least thank you so much bryant for coming and telling us your stories for having me your next festival. Life must be like a cult of bill. No the last but not least a your action for this week is to pay attention to signals. We always hear that. We live in a mimi society. Where sometimes we're so focused on getting what we want. We ignore the signals that others are putting out. It's time to beat the observer and the listener take your own motives out of the picture and try to see or hear what the other person's really trying to tell you if you're ever feeling yourself in a situation where things feel forced chances are there. S some disconnect that needs to be acknowledged the most efficient way to meet new. People is a combination of online. And offline five hundred. Wrenches has offline covered.

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