S4E2 Millennial

00:00:00 - 00:05:02

The Dateable podcast is an insider's look into modern dating that the Huffington post calls one of the top ten podcast about love and sex. On each episode, we'll talk to real daters about. From sex parties to sex droughts, date fails a diaper fetishes and first moves to first loves. I'm your host Yue Xu, former dating coach turned dating sociologists. You also hear from my co host and producer Julie Krafchick as we explored this crazy dateable world.

on each episode. We'll talk to real data about everything from sex parties. Sex droughts dick fails so diaper fetishes. And i move so i loves. We are excited. You've join us for an older episode. While our earlier seasons were all about dating in san francisco we quickly realize all the themes. Learnings are universal for all daters so we shifted to covering dating from all around the world as the seasons progress. The fun part is things happen. I san francisco the tech epicenter and counterculture capital of the world. We love for you to keep tuning in to our older episodes. But there's no set order to listen in so feel free to jump to more. Recent seasons are relevant episodes for you. Enjoy the show. The database podcast is hosted by me on you. A a former dating coach in new york turned active activator in san francisco on each episode. You'll hear commentary by mike producer julie. Traffic and other surprise co hosts. This episode of dateable is brought to you by five hundred brunches. Five hundred branches connects like minded people with similar interests to meet in real life over brunch. You answer a questionnaire about your interests and how you spend your time. And then they'll match you in small groups of six to eight at a brunch spot in san francisco get a free entry into a brench now by signing up at five hundred bunches dot com and using the code date able everyone and welcome to another episode of dateable a show all about dating in san francisco. Now we open up the conversation about dating modern romance all of the above and today i have a guest with me. His name is harrison. Just a little bit of stats for you. He is twenty five years old. He's been in san francisco for three years. Originally from new jersey along joe fist-bump. We're not this. Jersey shore no nonreligious the shore near philly philly. Okay so we went to the shore. We went to city. Gtl gto laundry three equally important. His relationship status is single. And he's been single for a whopping two weeks. Who weeks how do you know the game on the game. It's here almost forget it. It's like school. you're twenty five years old. I remember twenty five years old decade ago. That's a good age sort of a. I don't know. I call it a quarter life crisis. I think everybody. I quit my job. I was having issues her long term boyfriend. I was kind of just psycho. Yeah it's psycho. Are you write a very cycle. Like incredibly psycho. Losing it a little bit. I think i'm going to the point. Where starting realize. I mean obviously the career thing is like what am i doing. And how am i going to get there. And there's so many different decisions. I can make them worried like. I want to waste this whole decade. One thing when i should be doing something else on the other side. You know twenty five. I like it school. Great friends and you're one of the best cities cities cool. I liked it. Yeah dig. I love the people. The people are the best but yeah. I'm starting to feel like twenty-seven when starts getting real thirty approaching and then when you're thirty i feel like i'm thirty. I'm okay with that. Well that's the way i'm looking at. This is how. I see it like after you graduate college. You feel like you're invincible. You're like i know. I have Those star do whatever you want. I can pay for my own rest. Sent home business trips. A company will pay for my trip using shit right by twenty five comes. And you're like what am i doing with. It's so true and even like after you graduate a year later. You're like fuck. I'm doing this for the rest of my life thirty years. I have to do this so it's a little crazy. It's unnerving right. This is one thing. I hear every twenty five year old. I've met including myself. You get to a point in your career where you go. I don't wanna be my boss. The cringe-worthy factor of working sometimes. Yeah when you're at that quarter life crisis where you're like. I have no aspirations of being this person who right above me right. I know it's tricky and then like the millennial cliche i want to create impact. Then you start realizing like what does that actually mean like.

00:05:02 - 00:10:02

I've always said. I want create probably like every single person listening but started. We is okay. What's realistic and what's idealistic. And it's hard to balance the to the dream scenario. Yeah then because you see your friends like travel the world and it looks cool. Yeah then they come back into their broke. Yeah exactly so. How do you balance kind of both. Both sides relationships too. I feel like right after college. I met someone knows like i'm ready for marriage. This roy twenty-five hit. And i was like this is not the one i have even. Yeah one hundred percent. That's why my sister actually started dating someone. When i moved to new york right out of school and i was telling our when i first graduated. I'm so happy. I didn't anyone for two years because you don't even know yourself at that point. So why bring i mean. My opinion was always. Why date someone. Seriously right away before i even know what i like. You know what. I'm interested in you know or any of that but with relationships. It's it's tricky. I think a lot of us because our twenty s or so valuable. Why waste it with someone. I don't see a long term thing with but then the other side is it's cool to get out about you know. Meet some ladies and have a good time right but so it's hard to balance. I think i agree the bounds. Par is tough because i do believe that my long-term relationship in my twenty s shaped who. I am telling you guys together five years from on twenty three to war. Yeah twenty five twenty the harder your twenties. Yes in early to your Like i don't think. I my time. But i definitely felt like that warmed up. It was like a dress rehearsal. So what's going rehearsal. A pretty significant years you know what what is it like dating as a millennial these days it's hard. It's hard because a couple of things number one the options. I think overwhelm us instantly. Like if i go on a great day. I come back. I might be on an app right an hour later and she might be on an app an hour later so it's tough to to really justify that or to really understand You know the whole one for one and like the true love but then you realize there's so many people out there there are so many people out there. It's it's insane so the chances of finding someone that you connect with is it's pretty high. You just have to be proactive but long story short. It's i mean it's not easy. There are so many headaches and i've blog about it and talked about it a few times. It's kind of a headache. Yeah and you want to have someone to. It's more fun to have someone in my opinion right like being single. The one night stands there. I mean they're cool. They keep things interesting but it's the accessibility of people ryan were always appeared but with exact eating and the internet at the accessibility. You to something really interesting. yeah that's about. what is facebook live. Yeah um Yeah so this was pretty crazy. Actually so around around a year actually knows a few months ago. I wanted to explore dating and the authentic. I ate experience right. We always talk about here. Are crazy tinder stories or here. The marriages that happened from bombo. But what about the first date which all of us experience and no one talks about it you know. Most of them are like pretty average so long story short. I could talk about this for a couple of hours. I'm sure your whereby these two minutes. So i record. I use facebook. Live to record my first date. Predate in new ver- nervous. Am i excited. Am i anxious. Halftime report from the bathroom of the bar. Exactly play by play some broadcasting this audience of close to one thousand people and they're watching listening. She ordered guinness interesting decision. What's the ambiance light dagger for the hug. We handshake and i'm like. I am not a handshake guy. But it was for the last you know and then a post a recap but long story short crazy experience traumatic experience. But i wanted to show people like while your podcast is doing that. I mean we're all going to do the same shit. We're all the same stuff and the only way for us to really get over. The anxiety of finding someone and having bad experiences is to really just hear other people talk about it. I think so. That was the goal name for this experiment. Yeah it was called updating and it was through my blog called brunch media blogs still around. You can check it out but for many reasons. I'm not really live broadcasting my dates anymore. I met someone number one before my two week. Or before i did meet someone.

00:10:02 - 00:15:00

It's also not sustainable to broadcast your date every week. It's tough the fine love. As i'm sure you know when you're broadcasting your your whole life on the internet so but the content that's already been broadcast rights. You can find it online. It's on our facebook page. Check it out my garage media. Facebook page. Watch the halftime aboard the first halftime report. You guys this is your updating you on a date with someone you know nothing about them now. You can go on their blog and previous day. Exactly i think we should do. I was trying to get a revolution. Why can't everyone. Everyone live broadcast their days. I wanted a woman. Argentina guy new york like globally. We're just talking about her dancing with broadcast right. That's what we try to create what this podcast is at this conversation because dating is something that people don't talk about with each other they think about it. They said they talk about with their friends. But the with broadcasting. Your dede's a lot of issues goi view issues. What was the biggest issue. The biggest issue number one was the woman or the garage has gone on dates with not knowing i was doing And then coming home and saying wow. That's a little crazy Even though the humor i wasn't making fun of her self deprecating dow is the biggest issue. I think because. I was trying to be like this millennial finding romance in san francisco like looking for someone but then people think it's a little psycho them during this finding well because ultimately it's almost like a conflict of interests are you looking to create great content or are you really looking to find someone exactly like some people thought. I was trolling them like. Are you actually serious. Like is this a real thing. And i was like this. You know i didn't really have. I didn't have experienced broadcasting. My dates like this is. This is my authentic self. Some people laugh some might have cried. Hopefully cried By it was it was called first. So the first thing that i went on she never tax me back second time we actually did go on another date which was cool. Well but yeah it was. It was a crazy experience. People still ask me about it. And i like i honestly thought more people would be down to it and now is why i did it like. Oh everyone's gonna say doing it turned out. I was only neurotic crazy. Jewish kid and broadcaster dates but The legno male carrie bradshaw. I'm trying exactly relatable or the nouveau. You go off. The new is a recent term and not just trying to show like dues my age and we talk about it all the time we freak out just as much as girls do with tax and first dates and like dt are but the problem is do. We don't really talk about it as often but we do freak out about it. We do like if if you're listening to this and you're telling yourself no i never i've never asked my friend what timeshare tax or you're lying right like we do to do to. I'm telling you all the time from my guy friends. I saw this girl at the gym. I think she's really cute. How do i approach her like. He hasn't texted me back back in like three days. What do i deal. I do think a lot of women. Underestimate how emotional guys are like. I think were like we're i'm very emotional. I think most guys are around my speed. We just don't broadcast it. You know what i mean like. We're just as emotional. And i feel like this whole male perspective. Writing is a really recent thing. Because brian now like carrie bradshaw i. Kind of woman journaling. Chronicling dating it's always been women and then all of a sudden men are starting blogs dating experiences. We had madison perry who wrote a book about his dating z. Sorry out of the man's exactly. I love it. I love your right to see the male perspective because at times and wondered if guys felt the same way or they felt like the same spark are the same chemistry. You know. it's nice to hear the opposite side so there's a certain type. There isn't stereo ties of the woman waiting by the phone. Yes it's true. Movies never played the guy that the guy like freaking out about taxing are what which emoji. My favorite is a. I've been using the glasses recently. The glasses emoji it's cool. It's not like the florida saying like what emoji that's not even sunglass like the rego's less sophisticated at the overall. I think it shows a different side. A lot of guys will go with the wink right. I'm trying to change it up.

00:15:00 - 00:20:02

Like maybe turns on an alert with some veteran. What's what's a line like. Oh you look cute tonight and glasses. He loves baby. look gorgeous. You know glasses could go to study hall tonight actually. Now that'd be but i'm trying to think of like the glasses. Literal sense of the boss isn't the figurative sense right. it's quirky you're not really got. It's it's good guy text. We ever really against anatomy only. Oh tell me about an emoji. Pairing aren't so the game is huge. It's very important so you need a diverse emoji game and not just the faces. I think the nana stay train was big. You know like sending a blessing. Your blessing up one g a girl that you just met on lake bumble or somebody of course but in what context. If it's like what are you what you up to this weekend hanging out Should be a great time friends and then like the nama stay. Nothing's thousand know this strictly emojis. I think it's had something to do with. Ab tested this yeah. My emoji. Game is drastically diversified over the years. And i think you have to try different things like the pure smiling. Moody's a little born right. Why would i send that. Every guy sends that get differentiate yourself how how stay out there. A million dudes in san francisco and they're all sending the smiley emoji or the winky mode. Yeah so i'm not just say basic but you can be a little more. Creative was a guy that i met on tinder who used to send up black hands just why and it was like one morning hand no he was not whitest can be literally explicitly select licitly select that and it was always like a thumb up or thumb down no sense in the context so i don't know i there like underlying. There are different emoji. I've been thinking about putting together a list of the top. Ten emojis to flirt with. We should create maybe create one that the top ten top fifteen emojis. Okay i'm gonna look at what you use the most. Okay this is gonna like this. I love it. I got one on his gentlemen listening. I mean it really is great especially if you do yoga in quebec it up you also have a black hand emojis but at the time the time right. That's interesting goat. That is not really for the dating. Goat is Like the greatest of all time so like talk about an athlete or that date last night but she was the goat or something and i was mice crave threat from your list. Here would be the sideways. Angry cat emoji. Usa siphoning basic servicing. The age gap must be. You know you think have been around for ten years. The emojis game is tough. When do you use the sideways angry cap. I think it's more like a different roll. Your eyes to the back of your head like that one where the eyes are looking up. So it's like yeah. It's kind of like a passive aggressive using like a guy was a pretty active war. You know two weeks. Three weeks gone on a few dates by now. Honestly i haven't i haven't really To i think when you had a relationship you need sometime right to get back into this into the swing of things Yeah it's tricky. I think when you like right now. I'm debating drag on the apps again. I'm going to that debate. Do i do that again. You know that was like my phase one in san francisco doing the app thing. And it's easy. I mean that's the thing like i could get a date everyone listening.

00:20:02 - 00:25:08

You could probably get a date tomorrow on tender fumble any of these apps. But i think it comes down to is that you know the the time and money equation number one which you know a lot of guys do think about from time to time And number two. A part of me still believes in like the whole fairytale thing. You know the serendipitous interaction. That's going to be like the thing you know. I don't want you to the but do you feel like a lot of your peers. Feel that way too. Yeah i think right now. A lot of people like we've been on dates event online. Dating apps have been around for our entire pos. Your your mind. Tire yeah exac. You didn't know any different. Exactly right. And i think a lot of us you know. We've had good experiences shitty some okay and now we're coming to the point. A lot of my friends are mean. We're just not really as active as we once were. Impurities how you friends view online dating. Because for me when i started my dating whatever status quo as you meet people in real life and taboo. When dating took off. I think any of us had the option of meeting person. Act same exact person. Same exact person via app or with some cute little story from a coffee shop. I choose that why. I think that brings up an interesting perspective on this. Which is this is a whole other episode is that we sometimes because only date so much that were chasing a story. I know people who get into relationships because they met that person in an interesting way. The relationship may not be healthy but there are like the story is interesting. Yeah i think for that like some of why do we care so much. It's such an interesting part of like the way we think about it. You know we kind of do care about the brand of our relationship which we should it. It's just the social media everyone everything this whole age of dating and That's why the story. I think is definitely more important but then the other thing like with dating apps i guess it's kind of like people in general but let's say i swipe left on max. I never would've met her you know. So how do you justify that. Just a tiny little move could impact your entire life like you can marry someone by a simple thing. Actually swipe live. So i think about that sometimes right. Isn't that crazy. it's not. Yeah it's really crazy. So do you have a crazy or interesting dating story for us. I have a few. There's actually like a two month span. Where the most ridiculous thing started happening happening to me like every other week ask any of my friends like things out of nowhere so this one was says ridiculous. Honestly like this is crazy. I saw my glasses emoji okay. It's a good story. It's against so okay so hanging out with my friends. My college friends are in town. My san francisco friends friends of friends just like a classic male pre game so to speak. We're just hanging out we're relaxing. We're about to go out. All the sudden i get a facetime call from a number that i don't have. I don't have her name and it's two girls in bed. And i was like blown away. I two girls lying about they were closed. They were wearing something they're like. Hey harrison and i was like what are you like what this is like. I've never seen you before. I get paranoid about some of these things serious. I'm like freaking out and they're like hey harrison you remember us right. I'm like what are you talking about. Two like we had sex last weekend. Yeah yeah and i'm like wait. What are you talking about. I look at my friends. I was like wait. What was i doing last like. I don't think we've ever met before. So i freak out. I give my phone to my friend to talk to them. And i'm like three alley. How do they know my buddy and chicago. Because i looked up the area code chicago. It's got to be my friend playing a prank on me And it turned out. It wasn't so my friends are talking to them. Like trying to set up. I guess for us to meet up which was crazy to a long story short. 'cause i could go on and on but so i figured out who was i went into my phone. My friend was like all right type in the phone messages right type in the number. And then you could see the thread right so i typed in the number and it was a girl i had message on bumble a year and a half ago. We never met up in person one like over a year later out of nowhere. She facetime me. How insane is if a guide. If i did that girl. Oh my god. Can you imagine i would probably i here really i show.

00:25:08 - 00:30:02

I don't know if i could pull it off like that's the crazy thing like because it's crazy. If i did that girl she probably my phone number block by call the police. But because i'm an restraining order on such dude sometimes. I'm like a two cute girls in bed. I was just curious. But i was definitely weird out. So what was the outcome of this. I actually did end up meeting up with her. Own night cruises pickup. Her friend came out with her actually but was going after one of my friends who had a girlfriends yes And then what was the outcome. Vat we had an and didn't didn't see her didn't really ciragan and all your friends were like their boat away. They're like crazy ever seen so impressed by. Yeah they thought it was like shit. I think reputation at one lake county random face times like a year later like i. I don't know. I don't know i want to be the good good good samaritan right center freer anonymous. What's your general dating philosophy. I honestly think like the best things that have happened to me when i was reactive and not proactive. I didn't time right. Eye was reactive reactive to that or i wasn't actively looking for someone and like going crazy shots myself out and trying to set up three dates. When i first moved out to san francisco i was going on dates like three or four week with women. I was not interested in you. Know i was just like doing it and when i stopped doing that and started like focused focusing on the rest of my life and dating like good things with dating. They happen you know at the end of the day you know for me like i've always looked for Just someone who. It's not a whole operation hanging out. It's just like i would hit her up like a friend you know and we're just showing we're doing stuff i would do with my friends and also with your friends now them. That's what's lost in dating these days for shaking. You don't not respecting the people. They go on dates with exactly have to respect them like a friend. What i'm hearing you say is treat every day like an adventure so what to expect. You've no idea. I think in life dating specifically dating growth will only happen when you get outside your comfort zone like it really well. And i've done a lotta things. Not i've done some things. Obviously that we're a little crazy but definitely beyond my typical comfort zone. Even this talking about hooking up with girls like on a podcast outside my comfort zone. You know high. Maybe not that different difference but yeah so. That's kind of my. Can you give. Can you give our listeners. Any advice on how to filter for dates. Because you send something that. I right like which stopped going on dates with people that you're just wasting their time. It's a waste when i am online dating. I don't want to like before we set up our first date. I don't wanna be messaging for than like six messages. Because at that point you might as well just meet up in person so within those six messages you really have to like. Make sure you're on the same emotional field intellectual. Obviously the physicals the first thing with online dating like you just see her picture or his picture right. You see a picture but yeah i think filter like some sort of intellectual or emotional. Just make sure you're like on the same wavelength and creative. Like if i texted someone like some quirky create a message. And they're like oh cool. How are you or something filter. Gone i need some creative. Because that's kind of basic glasses emojis. Joe how's your week on. And she said good and new or something like that like j. c. You which what is that. Like just chilling back in the. I don't say that anymore. By the used to say that you know what i mean like nothing much you you remember that back in the you. How are you or do you like say that anymore.

00:30:02 - 00:32:29

Point is his point is like in those few messages. You need someone who's gonna be a little different right well harrison. I have a feeling that wants says episode airs. You're gonna get we're going to get a bunch of girls are going to ask about. They find That that actually does have it. So you can find some on every platform facebook soc facebook snapchat twitter hd foreman and my blog. Check my blog. I write about dating Elite daily actually posted a couple articles of mine The blog is called brunch media. So if you like brunch. And you right. I think we all do And if you have dated recently. Which i think all of us have check out the blog but no. This was a blast. This great cool. Thank you so much now listeners. At home if you have a kind of a cool dating story funny interesting shocking or if you just want to talk about dating as a millennial because i find this interesting i i feel so far. Removed from your generation millennials. We're all. I am not no. I'm talking to you like an mu. I don't know how excited vo j. rey uses you know it doesn't even matter. Yeah i came out. It's tough out there. So if you have some of millennials stories or anecdotes of your own Reach out to us. We love to hear from you and with that said one to three saying now you can meet new people who share similar interests over brunch checkout five hundred branches and be sent on. You guessed it brunches all over the city with new people each time come alone or bring a friend. There's always a table. Full of friendly faces mimosas and benedict sign up at five hundred branches dot com and use the code date able for free injury to connect with us visit dateable. Podcast dot com. You can also find us on facebook twitter and instagram. All under dateable podcasts.