Aaron tells us about his bold move to meet a guy through the ‘People You May Know’ section of Facebook. This leads to discussions about what it really means to define the relationship, commit, and the importance of expressing your expectations of a partner.
S4E4 Levels of DTR
00:00:02 - 00:05:00
The Dateable podcast is an insider's look into modern dating that the Huffington post calls one of the top ten podcast about love and sex. On each episode, we'll talk to real daters about. From sex parties to sex droughts, date fails a diaper fetishes and first moves to first loves. I'm your host Yue Xu, former dating coach turned dating sociologists. You also hear from my co host and producer Julie Krafchick as we explored this crazy dateable world.
This episode of dateable is brought to you by five hundred brunches five hundred brunches like minded people with similar interests to meet in real life over brunch. You answer a questionnaire about your interest and how you spend your time. And then they'll match you in small groups of sixty eight at spot in san francisco get a free entry into a french now. By signing up at five hundred branches dot com and using the code date able. Hey everyone welcome to another episode of dateable a show that opens up a canna conversation about dating in san francisco. I have my co host with me. Today his name was harrison. It's great to be back. Let's have you you all the time. Now we're like or something. Yeah this is my home away from home. You know the data podcast and we're making them into a threesome. Because we've got aaron here. That's sounds great to me with his awesome blue hair. We dig it dating smurfs. That's why in a rubs off on you so a couple of stats on aaron. He's been in san francisco for eight years. he's thirty years old and he's currently actively dating but also you are consistently dating someone right now. It's one of those things where it's like it's so new in its in its infancy and i it's hard to. Dt are right now. You know what. I mean got everyone. Everyone's limbo right right well and also. I was traveling a little bit. I was traveling for two weeks. And i'm traveling again for three weeks. And so i don't wanna like put you know. Put that right before. I go away again so when i come back you know. The heart is what distance fonder. If that happens you come back. Then we'll see. How do you keep. That spark snapchat are using a lot. Dick is that no. I mean you have the spark and what have you traveled for a couple of weeks ago. Yeah well i think part of it too is making you making the it feel like you're there with you in some way. Being for me was there was something that reminded me of him. And i just mess gymnast. I was thinking about you and a central picture. Whatever i was doing. Or what have you. And so i think that. That's that helps. If you really wanna make something work if you're away you really gotta make an advert right. And that's and that's true. And i didn't realize it before i mean i had like book these things so many months in advance and then he came into my life. You know so. It's one of those things to where something like that lands on your lap and you're kind of like well shed. I'm going away now and i. This is planned beforehand and so wasn't in at least it wasn't consciously me trying to make myself unavailable in fact i've been trying to make myself more available recently. But that's what. I was streaky streaky. Good it's a breakthrough never happens when you're expecting it like it just never ever. I mean i think it's a good sign that you had all these trips plan and you weren't even thinking. Yeah i seen someone right right right. Well some sometimes people just appear in your life and then you're like we're have you man. What are what are you doing here. Which is a nice segue into your rate. Isn't it facebook. that's all i know it. Does that fake news engine facebook. Yeah you know. I was just trolling facebook. I'm looking for people to start fights with you. Know how it comes up. It comes like people you may know every once in a while and You know he. This guy was throwing through because at least in my case when you're friends with enough gay people then it's like all the people you may like. These beautiful game manages like this buffet. Buffet of beautiful gal. Show you. it's beautiful. It's like wonderful. We don't have that borderline pornographic everyone's shirtless whatever. But anyway. there is this guy and his picture was just really attractive and really handsome and he was like very much type. And am i type is sort of specific in the sense. I like really pale guys really like really pale. Ginger or blonde blue-eyed like viking type. Terrible looking just like. I loved freeloader. I just the opposite of me. Like i'm i'm i'm more dark brown eyes dark hair and i just really attracted to the reverse of that album. Voice have albinos translucent anything to me casper is the sexiest person ever to me like if they need. Spf one thousand in will hold the bottle and so he popped up and so anyway. So i clicked attleboro financing.
00:05:01 - 00:10:07
Seems that you're seeing from the limited view that i got so anyway I message him and just like hey you popped up on people you may know. And i don't think. I know you but i would really like to and you're really attractive. And so now and i hope you have a great day or something like that and i kind of it's going to go into. The ether added him. I don't know i didn't add him. I just sent him a message. Yeah and he ends so. I figured i'll just go into the other inbox that people never check. Never see and it'll just disappear. I hoped you would see it. But i assume the he just wouldn't And so anyway. He messaged back like pretty quickly. Like not even a half an hour later something like that. He message back and he said something. Like oh you know it's really sweet and i would like to get to know you too and so this is i think like on a monday or something like that that this happened and so through the course of our short conversation. We sort of plan to meet up on a thursday of that week. So there was a four day interim and during that interim start having conversations via facebook messenger. He added me. We added became friends on facebook. Started chatting had really good conversations stimulating like intellectual funding conversations and then we went on a first date and the first date was really. It was kind of like a traditional. I say which is something. That i i really. I have been enjoying doing now like dinner and a movie and do something fun. And how old school of you. I know very bright. 'cause i wo- in trying to take a different different paths of what i had been doing. Which was was just a lot of like going out to bars. I needed people and yeah and that was the other thing too. I was doing like a dry january. So let's avoid the drinking situation. So so yeah. We did like a shabu. Shabu which kind of funded do interactive and. They went and saw movies. And like both of those. Were really good. And then we went to like The boom boom room which is live relate check that out and then Kabuki we went we went to. Oh yeah we did yeah. Is the date night. Movies town allen the draft house own career. Hooky my go-to doing it. All wrong yeah. So yes so he. So we went on the street date and it was really nice and then i was very gentlemanly and we kissed a little dip and i dropped him off at his house and the bottom inside and that was that can't dropped him off as how i know i drove him. Everything i drive my lobby around and the date to. Yeah oh so you did everything for this first day. i don't remember. I don't remember if i paid or not. Actually normally it's like it's always an even split. There's never santa difference between heterosexual relationships dating and relationships. It's it is always evenly split. There's never an expectation that someone else pays really yeah. It's a nice gesture if you do. But it's never an expectation so the default was probably we split it. But it's hard to say i remember and then we went on another few dates and then it was really good and then we have like a beautiful little valentine's day yesterday. This is still going so going but now next thursday gone for three weeks again. What's what's he saying about. Well we haven't sort of talked extensively about him. He knows that. I'm going away but we haven't there's not. I don't know you know the thing is my base. We haven't really talked so much about the open relationship thing but my my guest here is based on the conversations that we have had that it's kind of a more fluid situation in terms of openness. So it's not as though there is a need to necessarily like lock things down from either one of our perspectives. Do you wanna lock things down. Though i would like to explore it further. I mean i would like to go on more dates with him. I'd like to feel him out. I'd like to get a good sense of what's going on. And then yeah. I'm totally open to locking down but locking it down to me does not mean monogamy and. I don't think it does to him. He was an he was like Multi-year monogamous relationship that he got out of like six months ago so i think he's probably You know enjoying the sort of liberation. Which i'm totally fine with. So so what does locking down mean. Then yeah i think for me it means establishing like a were both on a path to see this be something more substantial that doesn't necessarily have a definition of But just like we're on this path not like we're fucked buddies it. That's different like a promise ring of sore if you will on way getting so when you d your when someone dates you it's it's open.
00:10:07 - 00:15:04
It's always an open relationship with their while. Not i mean that your policy so my last long long long term relationship was monogamous And i think that it's you know for me. Not super essential to do that and so i think if someone wanted if some if the other person was like i really wanna be monogamous. I would say. I'm open to doing that but i also need you to understand that it can't be a forever thing for me. It's not my price. Admission is that. I will do it for them on a time that that you need to establish like the baseline of trust because a lot of guys that i talked to. They're like i want to. Openness is fine but i want a period of monogamy before we open it up right they wanna like establish their each other's what and only then they open it up and then of course there's all the other things along with that like is openness threesomes with so you're together and then you add an extra or is it know when you know if i go away and then you know they. We each have freedom into finance so many different ways and anything. It's all up for negotiation so on on a scale of one to ten one being like he's all right ten being like i'm super in love with this guy are you god. It's really hard to say. I would say that. I'm definitely over the fifty percent mark. I i'm like i think that without jinxing anything that we're on a really good topic. I haven't met someone who is Who serve like surprises me in a number of different ways and by that i mean like he's he's he has emerged of humor which is a huge. We have got to have especially today and we have really good sexual chemistry and we're sort of each other's type and then he's also like really grounded and has put together and i think those are oftentimes. You'll find people who and he likes to party. And i like to party. I'd like to go out until six in the morning. And so does he think things like that. And so it's it's you usually like you find one or the other like you find someone who likes to party but they're not don't have their shit together kind of a mass as well but i'm one of the rare people. One of the rare people like you can do that and so. I think that that was really something that was fun to me that we both have these sort of like vibrant lives outside of our work as well so when you cross the fifty percent mark. Is that when you're done actively looking to date someone like for nail you're putting on hold first of all. I'm not one to use tinder or hinge or grinder. Really any of the apps. Like i don't i don't find that there are good indicators of anything and people are flaky i just i find them really a lot more work than they're worth and so i have a lot more reliable boy. Think that's very rare circumstance talking about but like i have always my mo has always been to meet people out and about just because. I'm much more intrigued by the by the interaction and meetings for the first time and getting to know them in real life and asking questions and flirting and doing the whole. The whole flirtation thing for me is huge. I'm one of the rare gay guys who doesn't really use like grinder hookup apps to have sex because the transactional nature of those things does not appeal to me. Like i'm much more into the flirtation and the fun of that sachs's better when you actually like flirt and lead up to sunday instead just like boom right. Yeah i agree but okay. So i'm thinking about my own time line when i'm dating guys if i'm over the fifty percent mark that's when jealousy comes into play experience it you experience jumps so if you find that he's he's dating other people and you see it. Oh i've seen him have sex with other people. Yeah or like cook up with other guys at parties. Yeah and then and same for him with me and there's no jealousy. You're both at the same level in what i say. At least my my my suspicion. I mean it's a good. It's a good conversation to have an i intend to have. But it's like based on the fact that We've both sort of gone into these situations acknowledging that this is likely going to happen. That we're both okay with that. And i in in like poly culture and i'm not. I'm not an expert in probably culture. Never actually been in a relationship but there's a word called conversion and encourage every listener to look this word because it's really a fun word but it but the short of it is is the of jealousy so when you see your partner being pleasure by someone else or just just happy even in the absence of you.
00:15:05 - 00:20:02
It makes you happy. And if you're secure in your relationship with a person like jealousy doesn't really serve a purpose other than to create this illusion that brings you. It means that you value the other the value the relationship more. But that's not true at all communicate together like intentionally or is this just something that you assume i mean in in the ideal world the communicated like very thoroughly and i think when the time comes when we albuquerque. Okay we wanna. This is something that we want to continue to do. We're gonna continue to see each other than like build towards something. It's some it's a conversation. I think is incredibly important to have like what are your boundaries. If there are any what do you expect for me. What should i expect seeing. What is your price of entry price of admission in the relationship and line or if they can be compromise you know and worked out. Then i think you're in a good spot. But i think it's a little bit too early right now too. I mean i think like once you establish monogamy. Seeing the gay culture the default is not monogamy the straight culture odd. If it's dinner it's odd. It's just that it's not assumed. Okay right so like the assumption. I think it's recalls is that you're gonna be monogamous. Just say otherwise right but in especially in san francisco gay culture. It's i i would venture to say. There's probably no data on this or maybe there is. I don't know there's probably more people in some form of open or monogamous relationship in gay culture than there are people in straits as in like absolutely one hundred percent monogamous relationships. And so you know with that in mind like over over time. Like i'm from michigan. Just like the sort of like traditional down homes of the earth sort of way of thinking about things and and even came in who still live in in michigan who. I talked to you like their expectations. Very much monogamy openness. It's still kind of a foreign thing to them so combine that with sort of burner culture which is also super pervasive in the san francisco gay community and a lot of the The nightlife now consists of a wide range of sexual fluidity. You know just opens a lot of people sort of pushes a lot of people sexual boundaries in my case living here for eight years like yeah i came here as sort of a wide eyed michigander. And then you know. Like i'm a san francisco weirdo with my with my nails painted and my hair. Different color like yeah. I don't know there's something about that. So then what what's the purpose of. Dtra then i think that first of all it's a level sat right. I think it's important to level set as to where you are and what you want. If he was like. I just to just kind of like day people for a year a lot longer. I just don't really want to you. Know put define anything right now. Then that's one thing. But what. What are you defining though. I mean when you call your boyfriend right or like are we going to are we going to. I guess part of it is is like. Do you see a future future a week. Is that future three months arena. Start talking about going on vacation together doing a weekend together in a couple of months that sort of thing like do you see a future and by future you mean not what. You're doing the future but being with each other extended amount right hind exactly okay. So it's kind of there's no. There are no tangible parts about that. I want to be with him for like you. Don't think in your mind marriage at this stage right. Well that's a good question. I mean for now. Everything is going really. Well there's a reason to think that it would go in the reverse. So that's exciting to me. And if like that continues to feel good. We both continued to feel good doing that than i want to. Continue doing that. And then especially once. They came back from this vacation. Really talk to him in a savage like. Do you want to continue doing this. And see each other more frequently and whatever by the way australia weeks so nice. You don't wanna take him with you. I would love him. I was like i could get your ticket. He's over. i've always. I've always invited anyone who wants to come on trips and stuff to just book it because i travel alone. Okay so okay. So you were in a monogamous relationship of year. Was it because of this relationship that now you're not into this whole monogamy thing and thinking which one is yes. I think that had a huge part to do.
00:20:02 - 00:25:05
I don't think that was the only reason. I think during like a couple of years that we were together i definitely wanted to explore openness and he was very much not interested in that and then right at the tail end of this relationship. I was gonna burning. I want to go there. In unimpeded by unimpeded by structure we can pick up monogamy when we get back out there and not be restricted. I want be to experience a fully. Whatever that means like that ex-boyfriend used to go to bat houses and stuff and and go to the sauna. Go have fun like do whatever you want suck dicks send me pictures and videos. I don't like it and so yeah so like i did have experiences there and then you know i came back and he he he was like. Don't tell me. Don't tell me. And i wanna tell you. And then eventually was telling me and has told him a little bit and he was like yeah. I just i shouldn't have asked because You know. I you know you end there and did that and i stayed here. Didn't do anything. Did he not want to go. Yeah he didn't want to go. We broke up not too long after because it for so long our pows had been parallel. And then i think that awakened me and a lot of ways and about things. I wanted to do things i wanted to. Experience and that life was a lot or have the potential richer and allow fuller by opening up to different things and not only was it that the just the monogamy part of that but it was also the I think unwillingness on his side to do a lot of things. And i started to piece it all back together and i was like. Wow you know i was always the person to be like. Let's do. let's go do something about. Let's jump out of a plane. Let's go do this thing. And he was always the person holding back and after a while after years of that it gets really tearing to be to always push that boulder uphill and to be the person always expanding their sort of world view. Yeah so so. When the balance i guess is because that's a huge part of what you're looking for. You want someone who's willing to china things and he clearly was it so the balance on the other side light whether qualities about him. That kept it going. Even though there's this huge part that was just. I mean that's not a part of your truth. Your loved him. You know when. I our lives came together this very strange inflection point. This relationship like my mom had just died like a couple of weeks beforehand and it was very strange timing that i came back from that and i m it was like she died and then also opened my eyes to my own sense of mortality data. Fifty two and i was i think. Twenty five time. And i was like god. I could be like middle-age. What am i. If i if i you know die in twenty five years or if i walk out the door hit by a car like i wanna be a wanna have lived my life and so anyway so i sort of that. A pithy happen. And then i came back to san francisco after that. And i met this guy at toad hall randomly outside in a bar and we was like a one night stand and then hit We didn't have sex though we just it was a one night stand where we both got drunk over to back to my place and he was like we'll get naked and cuddle. But we're not gonna have sex now. We'll see how that works and then we didn't have and we actually. We actually started dating like really hard core like several times a week and this is all throughout december and we spent christmas together and all this time together new year's everything we didn't have sex for like three months of very serious dating. Wow which is yeah. Yeah yeah it was definitely his choice but it was very much like he wanted to test me and make sure that i was willing to do that. It's whatever it wasn't like the end of the world. But i was definitely stressed out by the end of the three months because i wasn't seeing anyone. I was just having a lot of meantime so when you see your partner who you are over the fifty percent mark with having sex with someone else. Yeah what are the. What are the emotions that you feel like. I wanna take a video of this really. Why that's crazy because it turns me. I mean. I don't have to be i don't have to be the active participant in it. Either you know it's also fun to be but yeah no i mean there's i just i don't know i can't explain it. I mean can use lean jealousy. I think it's it's. I think it's more so being hurt like if i'm jealous i'm hurt that there's something on not like.
00:25:05 - 00:30:00
Why does she have to resort to some but but see this is that is like an elementary like this because certainly like you have more than one friend right right but like your friends wouldn't get joseph hanging out with your other frats three but thinking about that. Think about that. They wouldn't be offended if you hung out with your other friends. Because why would they be. Even if you d are the relationship as friends even if the relationship is best friends if you went out with a whole bunch of other friends and or whatever and you went to a bar and you just happen to have to run into that other friend. They're like no. I mean it's a great point. I think i guess the physical components. Just what puts you over. That's green because we had this conversation before. I need in our in our group of friends. People get jealous when they're left out of When they find when they look at facebook pictures of their friends somewhere else and they weren't invited same thing it's people still get jealous because it comes from possession feeling possessive of and that you identified as your friend right so for me. I get jealous. When i know the partner that i confess kind of my feelings to has similar feelings for someone else and to me. It's sort of like well. He should only feel those feelings for me. Why is he feeling that for other people. How would you explain. I mean i would look at it like you can establish your primary partner right. You can establish and say you are the person that i love. I'm never gonna leave you. I'm never abandon you. Nothing to do with you or your faults or whatever insecurities you have and lord knows. I have many insecurities. I've things that. I would that. When i whenever i'm broke up with immediately go to is like this is why because it's my insecurity right and we all have those things where it's like you see that in yourself and things that people might not even see in you but you see them in yourself and so you point to those and say these are my. He's the reasons why right and so you can establish with someone. Like i'm never like your you are you and i love you for you but there's also this other thing that i would also like to experience and just because i do this. It's not a sum game just because they do this. Twenty percent does not mean that one hundred percent goes to eighty percent and means that it just means there's one hundred twenty percent of things. Now you still have a set number of time you know any given day so you can't spend all of your time with your partner right right and this is the jealousy is definitely part of polly relationships as well from what i understand you know like how you negotiate those things how you savage things is incredibly important and it's something that you have to deal with as you not to say that i. I've never felt jealous. I just don't feel jealousy the sort of traditional sense of that sort of thing. Where like i think most people would if they went to a party and saw someone making out so their partner making out with some wonderful around with someone they go ballistic whereas aurora. that's unbelievable is but at the same time i also have to feel. I also have to feel that our relationship is secure. And that there's trust and like for me. I think if there was a lying situation happening that's way worse degree events. Like if you want to have sex with someone else tell me you in sex with someone else i will you have all you can do whatever you want. So you want full disclosure from your partner. I want yeah. I mean i would say that yes i would probably that would be. My idea. would be to have full disclosure. Like if you're going to go do something. Just let me know that you're gonna do some possibility that you'll go do something but if you're away for three weeks do you want your private. I assume so. But eventually like that's part of like the like. If i was going to define the relationship i'd want to establish like what are boundaries are and established the base of trust and like what is openness. What is not openness. What is cheating because you can even an relationship. You can definitely still cheat and so i'm just totally morally against cheating. I think it's a completely useless and stupid thing it cheating. It's emotional is that no cheating is when you're lying about what you're doing. Okay yeah i mean if you if you if you don't believe that you can be monogamous person. Don't enter into monogamous relationship. It's as simple as that that there's even a slight chance that you're ever going to put your dick inside of someone else or put someone's dick inside of you then just shouldn't do it. You should just say. I'm out have to have some level of openness and we can cross that bridge we get there.
00:30:02 - 00:35:02
Do you think or does not or just not engaging engage geeta and that's the other option because it's the whole lying part that screws people bad so the roth ira like if you're partners having sex with someone else but if he's emotionally like if he starts getting emotional but someone else is that like. Is there a limit their look. You cannot prevent any other person from leaving you. Every we've all been dumbed and we've all done to others and we don't have to. We can do it for no reason. We can do it for no apparent reason. We can do it for timing as we do for a million different reasons and look. I have always told everyone. I've ever dated. If you at any points. Think that like you found someone that you that meets your needs better than me right now. Like go for it. Because that's what you need and that's who you are and that's what you want and like i can't meet everyone's needs right and also those change over time all of the relationships i've ever been in for the time that we were together. It was really good right up until the moment when it sucked you like our paths going parallel suddenly diverge just because they diverge doesn't make it good experience. I agree i mean. I think if you're cheating that that's just a sign you should not in this relationship right if you're cheating subconsciously dating the other person. Then what is a commitment because to me. Commitment is when your needs diverge and then you commit to each other to work on those things work on those conflicts. But if you're if you say this is a relationship where at any point. I'm not meeting your needs or you're not meeting my needs i can piece out. There's no commitment there anymore. Why think there comes a. I mean i would agree with you. That is if you're going to commit to the person part of it is that you commit them because you want to be with them and you love them and you want to do that. If you're so willing to just peace out then you probably the commitment to begin with. I feel like the piecing out part is like the final straw right. Like if you're if you've committed to someone and then you meet someone who thinks fabulous gray. You met someone who is fabulous but you also have this person who you've already committed to who you love and carrot presumably love and care about and want to be with so you have to weigh those things like okay. Here's this bright shiny new object spray shiny new object. So i wanna wake dumped this really to this investment that i have over here with all these great qualities and stuff for the shiny new object or do i just wanna fuck i object like what is the thing and so you have to negotiate in way those i think in any relationship and the sad thing to me is that like half of people cheat on their partners when in reality you could probably just i saw in situations with me where i've dated guys and we sort of like established a level of openness. I have found that. I'm less interested in actually utilizing the openness. Because there's also a bit of forbidden fruit you know factored in there. Where if you if you know that it's a possibility. Suddenly it's not as interesting. I mean not to say that the having taken advantage of it but like it's also not as interesting. I think when. I was in my long-term relationship that was monogamous. I felt sort of like entrapment. In a way in in monogamy and to fully. Because i had brought it up and had been considered ben so consistently denied also felt resentful. That i wasn't make my needs weren't being met my feeling. I wasn't being heard in that way right. Do you think you'll ever be monogamous. Maybe i wouldn't ever feel like i think when it comes to me i wouldn't ever rule anything out. I also wouldn't ever rule out being with a woman either. It's hard to say like where you are in your life and what you need. I have yeah have you have. I'm not a gold star gay. I have zero stars. Do you know what that means. Gold star game gold. Circes if you've never had you not hear if you've never had sex with a woman. Yeah you're you're like a platinum or diamond gave assyrian section so you've never touched a vagina. There's levels i have no stars. Wow okay yeah so you have. At the moment. I have not dated but in no Just one woman actually and it was a longtime asian usually this trial. Hey you said it not me. I didn't know. Is that a lot of effort of gay guys who lost a goldstar will no. I just know it's more like a lot for whatever reason at least in my experience a lot of guys before they come out our with asian women. I don't know why we're the gateway gateway you guys doing I don't know me explain it.
00:35:02 - 00:40:21
Searching the year. I know common. They're the takeaways. Let's just wrap this up. I think the takeaways are i. Think what you said. That really resonated with me is that you can't predict the future things happen. You change people change. Will you can have control over how you feel today. How you want to proceed today and how you want this relationship to carry out today so the committee you're making is for who i am today i'm committing to you and there are no guarantees in the future. Let's not hold each other back if we're not making each other better than we leave over still keeping making the best of of our relationship and enabling in ebeling each other to be better people than we keep going right. When in doubt always suggested friends on facebook Yeah i would definitely say. I'll make us mattis. That's a good one and only sports reference that he was awaiting gretzky quote that i'll paraphrase but you you miss all the shots you don't take i mean the only risk risking me saying no or not responding which is not a risk at all. Yes i do that. Because of the perception of straight guys just randomly reach if i reach out to gross. You might think that's creepy on anything about. I don't know. I i don't know is there but i had have to say the people you may know lists on. My facebook are all guys. I've met on tinder. Oh yeah because you have exactly. Yeah i don't wanna message any of them fair none of the other takeaways so we can give to our listeners. I would say one thing when especially when it comes to chelsea since we spend a lot of time talking about this always think about why. You're feeling jealous. Dig into that emotion and what it is that your feeling when you feel jealousy. Not just like he did this or she did that. Think about why that made you feel the way you felt. I think that's a really important exercise. And it's something that. I do lot to try because it's a process to unlearn jealousy. I think it's socialized within us to be jealous when someone is not devoting one hundred percent of their life force to you and so you have to unlearn on learned that and i think part of it is just under sending communicating. What makes you feel. And then i think that helps with making you happier. Chelsea makes everyone feel like shit makes your voice so if you can on it on the internet and eat lots of ice cream. He's still having does make so much. Money off of jealous ran just really. Refreshing recently added facebook friends on their takeaways from you harrison. Yeah i think. I mean this was eye-opening for for many reasons. But hopefully that's not the only orifice that is open common So right now. Video now podcast. No i think early stages of the of a relationship. I think it's important not to just dive in go all in and when you're traveling life happens and not really going all out for that commitment until it feels right but i think everything you mentioned communicating. That is the number of problem that is with bad relationships. In general when it's not just a comfortable environment to talk about things like get out of those words because then you'll never be able to to move passer and things and you'll never be able to work on certain aspects and so if you can't have open dialogue about relative important less important parts about what's going on. I mean that's horrible like if it's not a comfortable place for that yeah peace we out last takeaway. Is you taught me something today. That really opened up. My eyes is holding definition of. Dt are because i think being a straight girl i think tr is when you defined whether you're my boyfriend or not right it's black or white but you're saying ddr could be on so many different levels it's talking about what is track we're on let's define we're on the same page and we're going down the same track and that is i opening for me because listeners at home when you dt are it doesn't have to be labels it's about are we on the same page do we see eye-to-eye to we feel the same way way more important than are you my boyfriend think also street people are out of lake on that path to your sort of on that patsy getting married. It's always you're so it's like you do the steps you like you like your boyfriend girlfriend. Then you're engaged and you're you're like everything certainly predefined scary but when you're k- i mean everything is up in the air until recently couldn't even get married so the relationships were never really defined for royal amazing with myself and then they wrap this up.
00:40:21 - 00:41:09
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