Melissa talks about her date’s ultimate disappearing act - while they were out on an actual date. We discuss the importance of communication, who should pay for the date, how your mood can impact the entire night, and being respectful even if it isn’t a match.
S4E5 The Bathroom Bail
00:00:02 - 00:05:01
The Dateable podcast is an insider's look into modern dating that the Huffington post calls one of the top ten podcast about love and sex. On each episode, we'll talk to real daters about. From sex parties to sex droughts, date fails a diaper fetishes and first moves to first loves. I'm your host Yue Xu, former dating coach turned dating sociologists. You also hear from my co host and producer Julie Krafchick as we explored this crazy dateable world.
This episode of dateable is brought to you by five hundred brunches. Five hundred brunches connects like minded people with similar interests to meet in real life over brunch. You answer quick questionnaire about your interests and how you spend your time. And then they'll match you in small groups of sixty eight at brunch spot in san francisco get a free entry into a french now by signing up at five hundred brunches dot com and using the code date able everyone. Welcome to another episode of dateable. A show that opens up a candid conversation about dating in san francisco. I've got two guests with me today. We have a guest cohost. His name is harrison. He was on a previous episode. I will call our in house. Millennial and harrison's twenty five years old. I love that were more than a decade apart. So i have a lot to learn from him and guests. Our guest for this episode is melissa. Melissa is thirty five years old so you guys are legit ten years apart offer. Twenty should i usually do. She has lived in san francisco for eleven years also originally from jersey. That's where your air son. She claims that she's been single for eight years. Which is quite the contrast from harrison. Who's been single for two weeks. It's been long to really wanted to crab but also because eight years ago you were so high. School goes eight years of being single means. You have a lot of great stories and the story melissa's about to tell i've heard already but here the story over and already getting my. Let's let's do it all right. Go for oh. We're just jumping right in. Just just going all right okay. All right So let's see. I met this guy on. Tinder were all great relationships. Start and we had gone out on two dates I two dates. were great. Like you know in fact the second day like we're hanging out. And i mentioned i was going up to tahoe and he was kind of like hinting that he wanted to come up with to ho for the weekend with me. Yes and i was like okay real aggressive. Oh yeah we'll just see about that so anyway that didn't happen he he. I mean i mean. I mean he was like my age. I think like in his thirties. Thirty-something okay so that's that is so this is our third date. Hello pretty excited about this. Third day and day comes around and i don't hear from him. I'm like you know whatever guys should usually in my book confirm that before or at least you know that morning. So i'm like. Are you know i i i was like i'm going to give this guy until like you know three o'clock and if not i'm just going to not go out with him so he just made the cut off you like He got he got up with me at like probably two or three or something and he was like okay. You know making plans for the night. And i'm like okay. Yeah let's do it. What's the plan. And he's like well. It's national corn dog day. Let's so so it'd be fair. He did research right creating a little bit of planning to see where he's going to love. Corn dog corn dog. But i mean. I don't know as expecting a little bit more than a corn dog so especially because i was like already kind of like irritated that i hadn't heard from him. You know just like that. Just irritated me further. He hadn't gotten in touch with me all day. I was like whoa. You know what was the deal. And he said he to work or whatever and so it's like kinda gave him the benefit of the doubt. Okay you know. Whatever all right. So i get there and i get to a street food. I'm meet up with him. He said something about like not having to work any like surfed all day or something or something. I don't remember the specifics. But then i was like really. Oh stories in line lineup. right it was. I can't remember the exact details. But i do remember.
00:05:02 - 00:10:02
He had like there was something going on that. He said he had to work. And then i met up with him and it was like. Oh actually. I didn't have to work and i was surfing all day. Just like wasn't contacting us. I don't know what was happening. So i mean. I am going to say first and foremost i definitely was not like super like happy exactly. I was a little bit definitely a feeling not feeling it. Then and there you know just like a yeah and then so i got there at a little salty and and there are like lines everywhere for frigging corn dogs. We were like waiting this like our long line for freaking corn dog and We had he did. He bought me like one drink while we were there and then we were waiting in line. And so i offered you know to buy him a drink and i got my corn dog and like i buy it like the whole on the ground and like it was just it was just a not like a going yes nothing going right so we're sitting outside. Oh it's freezing by the way that's the other thing that's the only thing. It was absolutely freezing. Worst absolutely freezing. So i and and i already dropped my corn dog on the ground so i don't even have corn dogs so i'm like sitting there watching him. Eat is corn dog in the freezing cold. And he's like. I have to go to the bathroom like great. You know go and sitting there like got a call. He's taking a kind of a long time to go to the bathroom. You know and. I'm like yeah so whatever. The games on. I'm watching it. And then like i just go to check my phone. See how long. He's been in the bathroom and i got a text. That says doesn't doesn't seem like things are going. Well i left from him. Yes eclair oh sorry yes yes. He is goodbye. Crazy bailed on. I knew it wasn't going well. And i was sitting there thinking like you know when this guy comes back. I'm just going to call it. You know i'm just going to say. Hey this isn't going well like but he just never came back. Did he finish his dog. My dog around. Yeah yeah. And i'm like sitting there in the freezing cold like outside waiting for just done. That was just like such a cowardly thing to me. And so there's more there's more asteroid pull up the text because i did. I did search for it just to find it. Can you hold you really okay. All right. i'm heading home. Doesn't seem like we're good together. Wait what i. That was the. When i right right right and i said i said. Are you serious. You're really going to say you're going to the bathroom and just never come back seriously. That was just really awful thing to do. Why would you do that rather than just talk to me about it. And he said we can't have a similar conversation without you getting emotionally upset about a small issue. So i didn't know how you're going to react to a big one. I don't like edm at all you said to. You said you're too selfish for kids. Which i should probably which i probably want today and you never offered to for anything just said thank you to many issues for me which sorry i says you gene right the kids. Let's let's let's also recap tahoe last weekend. Right here on the tahoe training last week and i said i bought him a beer because he was like. You never paid for anything heavy. Said i bought you a beer. You've bought me. Maybe five drinks total. This was our third date. And i said it's pretty customary for a guy to pay for drinks in the beginning even dinner like a real dinner as it is ed. Is it as it is for him to make plans and follow up on them. The other things are just judging beyond without even knowing me. i never liked idiom either. I just love music. And have an open mind saddam on the fence about kids blah blah blah. Either way. it's a shitty thing for a man to do to a woman you should at least have the decency to talk to me rather than leave me sitting at a table alone outside and getting cold wondering why it's taking your bathroom.
00:10:03 - 00:15:01
It's just not nice. You think because. I disagree on how calories are burned that deserve that dot naturally some kind of heated arguments about how our alerts are burned literally to be so. He said honestly. When you walked up you said you were upset. I was very close to just walking away. At that point you should have just cancelled her texting me earlier. If you're so concerned about the time we went for different places on three dates and you got me one. Thank you was yes. I have plenty of money to buy drinks all night. And i would but if you come in with that has i'm really yup but news if you come in with that attitude and expectation of me being fucking. Atm matt attitude and no respect. Why would i wanna stay. Why would anyone last word. Oh he did. I stopped. I stopped the last word. Was you know i. I said i'm a nice person and last person to take advantage of anyone which is true. You know i said i'm an independent woman. I don't need anyone to pay for me. And i feel uncomfortable about the topic and would prefer to pay for myself but i usually like you know to manually like to feel like they're taking care of a woman so whatever. Oh let's let's preface this with. I i was going through this phase of like. I'm like i feel like sometimes i'm too nice lake i. I know that they're girls. Who just expect men to pay and that makes me feel uncomfortable. Like so always offer or you know so. I'm going through this phase. Where i'm just like first couple of days. Just let them pay. Just let you know. Let them pay and say thank you everytime. That's a nice thing to do right. Yeah so of course like this social experiment. This is how this worked out. So what's the last thing he so he said your words what you say is not the reflective of your actions and it's quite obvious that plenty of independent women and it's pretty blatant without question without them saying it. Maybe because you got back from a trip where you didn't pay for anything. But i advise you to get out of this world thinking you're expecting shit and half ass thankful when when you get it you may think i'm wrong but you definitely made me feel that way. First of all the fact that this guy couldn't even come back until you like a word yet. It's already books right passive aggressive attitude. And i see but that's still so. This is the problem. I have with people who have really terrible communication skills you can tell sky from date. One was just cringing his in his seat the minute you didn't offer to pay but he didn't express it right so you know this is like a build up from from. I guess you have no idea until the third day like this excuse talking. But here's the thing like i didn't read it all in my techs. Did i did actually list the number of drinks that he bought me five to my one you know. So he literally bought me four drinks and i'm treating them like an atm. You know. and i don't know. I just like i just thought it was funny that this was the first time i was like. I'm just going to let it ride or just going to sit back and let them in pay make him feel like a man you know and now i wanna hear your side. Why do you think he did that. He was obviously scared right. Confront you to your face. And it's passive aggression right and he took the easy way out which is just so ridiculous to me like talk like a human actually confront and talk about it for hindu that that's i mean. You might see that in elementary school. Maybe middle school tops. But is it right to feel however he does he was just talking and on the third day. I'm blown away by the third day for all this to come out by the third d people date for a year and then none of that like this type of eruption won't happen and the third day it's just crazy to not so angry first of all and second of all like i like. I said like when he when he was in the bathroom. I'm sitting there thinking like this guy know that let's just let's just call it quits right here you know. I was prepared tab that congress did you guys go. I even remember where we might have made out or kissed says at some point. I mean like i said he was planning a trip to tahoe with me on this sunday.
00:15:01 - 00:20:03
Too so okay so i wanna be a little bit empathetic to the sky cam. We find any anything redeeming about what he did now. I will not excuse what he did but did he feel in that moment. I can see you going into the date with a negative attitude. Could set the tone right right. Yeah you have an open mind fair. That made me he. Maybe he did have a really bad day or you go through moods right but yeah be open about and talk about right for second. He like science machete. Do excuse me if. I'm a little soft. Yeah well and actually to that point. That is actually what i said because when i first met up with him i was just kind of like i was i will. I will admit that. I when i first met. I was a little bit annoyed and not being the warmest person. But i did say like after a little bit said. I'm going to be honest with you. I am upset. Because i didn't hear from day. I thought you were working. But instead she were surfing and that was just annoying to me. So i'm upset about the you know an apparently that's not something you do. You're right harrison. Did this sounds like they're like a married couple thought you were. I thought you were working out your over your life. Who's tracy you know. It's not natural. But but i want to hear from your side if if you date with a girl and you get the sense that she's in a bad mood and she's being negative. How would how would that make you know. I react. I would go along with. I would like just say stopping bitch. Never say that right because then you don't want to offend her. I think you have to like because i've been a bad news before so you just have to be of athletic so this is that there are a lot of the discussion i have with some my friends who are like what happens if you're already in a negative place before going on the date. Do you warn them in text beforehand and then voice. When you're in person or do you just surprise them. When you show up you know good question. What would you prefer. That's a good question. I think i'd prefer the tax that had a time kind of like i do. This happened at work. It's been shitty day. Maybe you can share me off or so. It is a sad thatch of modern dating that we deal with this. I've never heard to this. I mean this is not boasting the tax bill disappearing variety adding of it. Yeah and then people feel like they can say whatever. They want tax which is amazing. This as but here's a novel of how i really actually the one thing i wanted to ask you get a mouth perspective on. This is the pain. yeah i do. Want to have a question of the day about the law. So what is the question. Of the day we've been all samantha rates and she said what ditch is start paying seal required. I feel like the beginning. I've kind of let him. I'm not sure if. I should do the purse crab or just. Let him pay. What do you guys think you know. It's interesting. I have a lot of guy friends who have very strong views about this but then they don't voice it to the girls they voice at to each other were to me but then they don't save to their partner so this is what i hear from law. My guy friends. They say i just need the girl to offer. I just need a girl to offer. How do you feel about that. I agree i. That's my opinion. I think even day one or two like the purse grab That means a lot from my perspective. I mean i wanna pay no matter. What first few days. I think it's the right thing to do. But if you're if you don't say anything. And i just like do it and you're like come on so far drink though let's say and this is also the thing like it's just so awkward it's like Like if you go out and have three drinks every drink you're like oh look who's gonna pay for the beginning. Maybe when they say. I got it just kind of let them go from one drink. Let's say we got four drinks at a bar. We're just outta bar can like all right. I'm gonna this last one. You got all the other. I got this awesome. that's cool. I think it's cool. This is how i feel about the painting. Maybe i'm just very traditional and this is that i think there's nothing sexier than going on a date with a guy who's like i've got this like as soon as it comes just grads for it does seem a wait for me to reach for young also.
00:20:03 - 00:25:05
I think i don't believe in the whole reaching for your purse if reaching for my purse. I'm paying. That is my intention if i'm reaching for my purse to peace him. That's not the right thing to every guy. Not the gap is fake but of course examined said at least shows appreciate all guys should no matter what whether prescriber not pay for the first couple of days no matter how many that's the back to the question Yeah go back to the classroom when you start splitting. I think you start splitting the first time or two when you hang out and it's not like a whole operation like a whole date night because that's when you're starting to see each other right once you're starting to see each other. I think that's when you can start splitting from time to time. I think that's interesting. I dated a guy for months and he like always insisted on paying. Yeah not splitting every time like once in while. Yeah yeah. I prefer to get up. Thanks kicks it up three times. I pick it up one. Okay dinner. i get some people like to do like you get dinner. I get the uber ride. Or i deserve and i think that's great to buddy. I think the point is every couple different right. Everyone has their own view. Is something you should discuss on a date. How you view build on. Yeah right now. In the beginning at what point like what the beginning about. What's the alternative is. You was the influx of tax. I mean what i think is so funny is that he said. I treated him like an atm when he bought me four drinks. I mean like that's in your cheapest states. I've ever been on dates. We go out to dinner like you know. This is the third day you brought me out. Two corn dogs. And then you're telling me i'm treating you like an atm see melissa. I would say that those first two dates when he was paying for you he was happy to do so because you were there with him and you're positive. I bet by third day when you showed up with an attitude. I pay for this girl you know like of a sudden it becomes an idea on to drink. I bought him a drink. I offered to buy a drink well to the corn. I think it sexy when after a few dates like the girl. I'm dating she's like look you've gone like four or five days lobby. Got this adamant right like a doormat. Like i have to get this. You paid for so much before. That's that's i just really feel like people should go into each date. What the intention of am i going to pay or am. I not going to pay. You should decide that. Before you go on the dayton because that sets the tone for the rest of the day when i see like i do the four to one or three to one rule so three dates he pays and the new one big date and i write three smaller dates than i do. Want big. That's just the way i like to do things and boats on that one. Big day i go in and tell him from the very get go on like i'm asking you out and planning the date and i'm going to pay said yeah. Oh definitely cheating at school. The league multiple dates go to prison uber. Gonna by briley. That's too i agree. I'm going on so many danes right her. I purposefully tell the guy to pick date because you know if i'm assuming he's going to pay him to pick the place so it's a comfortable price point for him you know or another. That's a great point. Whoever initiate right should pay a cpa. This is a problem with expectations and miscommunication right. You should be able to set those expectations. The finest thing. I mean that's one example but it so telling a both personalities how you're handling this certain situation like it goes so much deeper communicate about this whole thing you've got. I mean why like rest of the emotional runway is going to be horrible. Aren't and say exact completely out of touch with each other and it becomes buried until money like that right. It's not an issue. Until says. I mean i guess like man. The question is for me. Was the guy going to the bathroom planning to bail waiting in line for the bathroom and being like you know what that maybe they tax right. Now let's go texan. Yes i say he was already planning to leave the bathroom.
00:25:05 - 00:30:14
That's what i think interesting. I thought he was like like standing in line for the bathroom. Or whatever just like you know what. Fuck this shit now. You would wanna upset it any other way if you just irish goodbye. He did say is going to the bathroom. Sadly there's no other way he just divide yeah. I think he already knew he was leaving. I wish you know. Because i was saying there for so long so long. You know i wish. I knew the time period between like when he texted out he left time. I need then. He went to the bathroom. He's just clarify which man. I'm going to the bathroom at my own off. He's not at fault here. Author melissa your fault because you ask him which back firing. It's kinda give me an idea for all the apps out there. Just a little flaw here so now on the apps you can say what you're looking for your relationship status now. Maybe there should be a blurb about how you view about paying. That would be interesting right. Lead-based do you believe in the guy paying for the first couple of days. Do you believe in splitting the bill. that would be. I think that could. Yeah there's interesting experiment. There's so many things like muddling traditions. These days right. So now like with you with tenure. There's like so many more dates like you know you think oh guy pays for date. It's not that big of a deal but if he's going on like so many dates it adds up and then also with women becoming more independent than guys think. Oh you know so. There's so many things muddling the traditions you know it is confusing moves in like. Yeah diab news. it's not. It's a library of white is before it's like you know this whole modern romance huby right. We're growing at a speed exterior. Wise were growing at a speed. That's bringing us to a level where our minds can't catch up. Oh look roles are being very al-zawahiri progressive we're already very progressive with our roles but then we don't have the communication skills to talk about our expectations What we think is right or wrong and then we also just don't have like any of the social skills to do that our roles on rather than others. Yeah yeah exactly. So what did we learn from this or to take away two main takeaways. One is the bathroom bales just disgusting. I i can't even fathom without feel but it's about communicating. How you feel in the moment and just making the best out of it. You either say okay. This is not going well. I'm either going to try to turn the state around. Or i'm going to go in and tell her. This is not working while. Let's just call it a night. Maybe we'll talk later right so like communicating growing feel in the moment that's one major takeaway for the bathroom vail others for that one. It also communication. Yeah that's like risk as huge and also just going being intentional with dates. Going into date thinking i'm going to pay. I'm going to have a good time. Those are those are two main mindsets that will completely change a time. And i've actually learned that. Because i think i made the mistake of confirming the day of before. I made that mistake before. I've done. What time what time. What time do you like eleven. Am yeah four o'clock anyway but it's good to know that night at a night before is respectful for any male listener. You're never going to get dinged for doing it earlier. But i would also say on the flip side for anybody. Who's waiting for the date to confirm. Why don't you just reach out right and this is rather do that. It'd be negative about take control being for so long. I've tried them all and it's just like you want you wanna feel as if you're being pursued you know they say hey just want want wanna see if we're still on for tomorrow so i can plan accordingly i. I mean i ain't going again. There's just like you know. Try all these experiments. The not the the not offering to pay the not reaching out. There is like different experiments. That i've tried and i just feel like if a guy is excited about seeing you or looking forward to seeing you then he'll get in touch otherwise of its tends on what's important to you also right like for some people planning in.
00:30:14 - 00:34:14
Doing that is more important in that case you wanna guy. That's like that if that's not as important than it might not matter as much. Yeah all of these points just divert from what an actual supposed to be talking. Shed your both interested in everything we talked about the core part of normal so all these things just like get people off. Track all last question for you there. So girls kinda thank if he is he will reach out. First and he'll pay for the date are are these things true for you. Okay yeah without a doubt. I think well without a doubt you're one hundred percent paying for the first couple days. Most guys was all guys should honestly pay for the first few days. And if you're interested you you should make that clear. I mean my personal problem has been like. I'm a little too aggressive. When i'm interested but i think that's better the passive russian to be honest and i don't wanna use the word shut. I don't think they should. I don't think. But i do think that if you initiate that means that you would like to pay for the date you initiate. If i say let's grab thanks for the first the girl i mean it's insinuated that i'm paying. Yeah i use my idea. It was so here's the thing. Is i just today suggested to tender date that we go grab drinks. I expected to pay. I would go in with the intentions of pain. Well that's not happening. That's a good question. I think you should go within changes of paying grab fully for your purse and see what he does but not as a test but judge him if he lets you every girl i judge you so by yourself. I want to hear from you listeners. At home i've heard so many interesting stories. People like splitting a glass of wine and then splitting the bill. I've heard this story too. I don't wanna hear how you guys feel about it. Throw away the gender roles. I just wanna see i would just want to hear from you like how you view paying for date so that i find that very interesting so that we love to have you as a guest on our show. We can protect your identity. We can protect the identity of people in your stories things so much harrison for be my co-host love hearing your story. Thank you melissa for sharing that story. And if you're that dude who's bathroom bailed her. We love to have you as a guest on show. Get your son yes. I'm locking my bathroom one to hear why you did what you did. Maybe you have a very redeeming story. Hey we want to hear your side of the story to and with that set one two three day all. Yeah we're bringing back action items this week. Which is sort of your dating if you will and for this week. We're challenging you to exercise sympathy. And of course we all know. We should exercise sympathy. But do we always it. No when you're going on these dates week or interacting with other people put yourself in their shoes. Think about how you would want the situation to be handled. If you were on the receiving end see if you put on that simple filter how your actions and decisions may change. The most efficient to meet new people is a combination of online and offline. Five hundred inches has your offline covered. Connect over brunch with new friends. Come alone or bring buddy. There's always a table. Full of friendly faces mimosas. An eggs benedict sign up at five hundred branches dot com and use the code date able for free entry to connect with us visit dateable. Podcast dot com. You can also find us on facebook twitter and instagram. All under dateable podcasts.