Sheel tells us about what he's looking for and ideal qualities of a partner - all while we talk about the perception he may be giving off on social media. We discuss judgements made from facebook, dating apps, and other sites and how to play this in your favor.
S4E6 Perceptions and Misconceptions
00:00:02 - 00:05:00
The Dateable podcast is an insider's look into modern dating that the Huffington post calls one of the top ten podcast about love and sex. On each episode, we'll talk to real daters about. From sex parties to sex droughts, date fails a diaper fetishes and first moves to first loves. I'm your host Yue Xu, former dating coach turned dating sociologists. You also hear from my co host and producer Julie Krafchick as we explored this crazy dateable world.
This episode of dateable is brought to you by five hundred brunches. Five hundred brunches connects like minded people with similar interests to meet in real life over brunch. You answer a questionnaire about your interest and how you spend your time. And then they'll match you in small groups of sixty eight at spot in san francisco get a free entry into a french now by signing up at five hundred branches dot com and using the code date able everyone. Welcome to another episode of dateable. A show that opens up a candid conversation about dating in san francisco and my guest today has probably dated almost everyone san francisco that is not at all true work for five hundred startup so you must go on five hundred dates dates of modern dates a month. Usual stats about she'll. He is thirty four years old originally from pittsburgh. And he's been in san francisco for four years. Yeah and single ready to mingle single single. Are you I would say i'm pretty single. I haven't dated anybody seriously for about a year. What's your strategy right now. You know i would say like we were just talking about this before cording but i travel a lot of that definitely puts a cramp may style. It's hard to get super close to somebody when you travel but also it's like it goes both ways. I travel because partially like. I would be traveling so much if i was dating. And then you're asking you like what's my overall strategy. I think like the aps are very good for be for subsidies only boys but bubbles amazing every guy says every day. I have batches of bubble on every other app. I have zero badges like zero. Nobody on every other app but unbowed bowl. I have like several batches a day with beautiful young. How you from women's perspective. Oh yeah yeah. No one is actually okay. I do what it is for be is at age though no tight so short guy and bubble does not have height. Oh all the other apps do so interesting. Yeah the you know you yes you can. You're right right. But a lot of people added onto her guy. It's like a thing to do your height. Okay so i want to get back to your dating life. Because i'm thinking about like okay just looking at your facebook post shield. 'cause i stock you all the time down one. It's very attractive that you travel all the time you go everywhere right. It's an attractive quality that you are. Yeah this adventurer in for the right person right. But i think most women will find that protective. I could see then the flip site is. I would say to guy's not stable like how good this guy sustain a relationship. He's always on the road. It's interesting because i think if you ask people i've dated. They would not say that at all. In fact the last person. I dated seriously. We broke up because she was like a commitment. Phob or actually like. She doesn't like whatever. Get married or have kids. So i was like. That's a problem for me right. I'm not saying that this is a neatly who you are. I'm just wondering perceptive social media. Because i have this. The sky friend who is mazing educated has a great job So ready for a wife and kids but all his social media posts are of him at a party with his shirt off or like founded by a bunch of checks at a pool party. But he's so not like that in real life he just takes pictures like that so it's just interesting the perception that you give. I'm not saying that you're like your shirt is reading a book perception right it's about perception it's your pr. You're you're handling all right data coach. Which should i be doing with this social media. I'm not saying. I'm not saying it's a bad thing. I'm just saying that well. My friends example is kind of extreme. Because he's always like a. Why can't i find a girl settle down with. I'm like well. What girl want to set up subtle with a guy who takes shirtless pictures with a bunch of chicks at a pool.
00:05:00 - 00:10:06
Like that's not cool right. You're not doing that. Not that i know of does lead to a funny story that we can either book for later. Let's see what. Okay so. I think of myself as like like average very average locate dot dot definitely not like somebody that you want to see shirtless okay So let's be honest. I never really thought to check my list. Your number five. Okay okay. okay so girl you ever. I'm like whatever. I've never thought of myself as like the guy. I don't have like a six pack or anything like that but this is two years ago. I am at western paco's bars. Restaurants are go to bio bio. They have mechanical bowl. And it's really five. And it. May fred tyler odes plays so i love. I love going there and people. So i'm there and i get up on the ball and he's like ticket off so i take my shirt normally do in public but this case and so i take my shirt off that i like sweet around or something ride this bowl and whatever like go home. Whatever have time l. Tyler is like hey by the way to skirl was asking you about you. This girl said she thought you have really good energy. And i was like whoa energy on that bowl that so i was like. That's interesting but by immediate reaction was eddie girl. That likes me shirtless. I have not interested in writing exactly. So i actually legitimately i was like i'm not interested in any obviously wasn't that i was not interested. I was like let me do some facebook research. Like to be honest like i am a certified stalker if somebody's like oh you talk to this person. Of course google the shit out of them That's what google's four. I really good at it out. Do it too so not anything goes back to what you were saying earlier that people make preconceived judgements speaker sharp. Those okay people. Yeah okay for sure. Is it the case that somebody has google be capability to grab and they're like this guy is crazy traipsing around the world. Is he ever going to settle down. Yeah or they could be like this guy. He seems awesome but when is he ever in town. That's what i would. I mean even getting you for our podcast windshield going to be in town. He so hard to nail down the okay. That's that's fair. I was about a town would week above. Stop bad yeah. it's a perception anyway. So go on. I think it's a perception because like obviously more active on social media when doc year for posting lake picture for every day that goes back to social media perceptions and david. Don't you only post those crazy photo. You post the other is like you post sort of like what makes you look interesting to people in the last two. I've gotten like a couple people that i like. People have not talked to would say like ten years. Just message me on facebook big like oh my god of the best life or something and both i was like shit like what is that be. What am i what is perception. So that note that this person who i bet from secretive bio but the previous girl that i dated seriously for a couple of years. We we okay. Cupid and she had we connected to hit the messaging back and forth. We come in france. If i look at facebook and i remember. She recovered friends as she told them that. I think he's probably just too cool for me. It was like i get that. I totally get that. I think it goes back to perception. Is that what attracts you to. Women is also what makes you not suitable for them.
00:10:06 - 00:15:09
The novelty of it is that this person is a little bit out there a little bit different than what you are normally used to but then also what makes it unsettling is that they are a little bit out of reach right. So you're just a little bit out of the comfort zone for some people only based on perception perception. Not based on like if someone that you face to face and had a great date with you they would never think that it is still is that perception so i understand what you're struggling with so okay so does that lead like tone down the pictures of the dating app like what do you. What do you think. I think it's about balance. So you have your balance of you're crazy and then sure travel photos and then you have a balance of just some normal photos with friends. Yeah right it's isn't it funny. I was just thinking about this like everyone who's been dementia. Has that picture in their dating profile. What is up with that. I know but do they know that much. You actually pretty frigging villa. Like everybody has been there. It's everyone else's dating profile right exactly. Let's go back to this topic of perception. Because i kinda like it sticky for me. You are normal but you give up the perception at least to me that you're somewhat unavailable right. So part of this is. I think it's a catch twenty two. When you're single you take up your time and you fill up your time bettering yourself bettering your life and also keeping yourself occupied so by doing that you keep yourself busy doing all kinds of different things you take different hobbies you go to all these different events right and then you post pictures from all these different hobbies and events so the perception giving off as you're living life to the fullest. Yeah at the same time you're also giving the perception that one you're unavailable and you're not looking right. It kinda gives out. That's for session right too busy too. I'm too busy to date without union saying it. I'm too busy to date. That's a perception. You're getting off us. Pacific the other people in like while they really just like are having a blast for sure they might be nothing. They aren't but like you don't really ever not go home with someone from social media absolutely and so i- judge it based on what i set up my girlfriend with the sky right. 'cause i look through your sake dough if i look at a guy and i'm like he's barely in town he's always anyway he is in town. He's busy with work friends. Or he's out at these events. Would i set up my girlfriend with him. Probably not. Because i feel i the perception. The perception is or not in a place to date right now. He's too busy today. I'll tell you through the reality of what happens. It's like i. It is true. That like i have a lot like. There's a lot happening. It's mo- mostly it's not like i'm so cool it's like there's a lot of like work and work-related dinners. It's not about being cool. That i have like every night pretty much or people in town whatever it is a ends up being like because of these data gaps. It's really easy to have a first date beyond that. I if i'm not like so into the person at the first date it's hard to like keep momentum going but on the other hand what has happened what. I have had like serious relationships of which i've had to in san francisco the four years and lived here like after the first date lake. We're immediately together every day And then like all. The other stuff goes by the wayside. And that i'm like man. I'm just making this hard myself. I did so by a new year's resolution which i have not lived up to march well by us resolution was to always go to second date. Somebody my was in the past week and my mom like indian parent so old to give some perspective. I was bored by. Bob was twenty one. So if you think about this like when my mom was my age i was thirteen years old. So she's like for the past decade. she's like all right. Wait what's going on. Yeah time to get settled get settled and it's just like i. I have met people. I've dated that whatever for whatever it hasn't worked out there. I'd happy or or whatever but the pressure for parents is also another interesting topic from parents and repair prepared.
00:15:09 - 00:20:07
General i do feel like indian. Parents are like extreme literally. Every time i talk to them it comes. Well my my guy friend who had the same pressure from his indian parents just went back to india found the hottest girl and then married happily married happily so lake. Okay i there's some story time i have a somebody in india that my parents have yet with my family with and it was hilarious disaster. Oh do tell okay so. My grandfather calls me one day. I mean india. And he's like okay pub others girl you need to be and i was just like no. No no no no not not happening. And so i thought we'd settled it with by like fifty knows on the phone so that we like go out come home. I mean the brother by josh white fred. Josh and we hope and they're like okay. Get some sleep. She's company at eight thirty. And i'm like what do you mean. She's coming at eight thirty thirty. Am she's coming up like this joke right now. She's coming okay so the next morning. It's like eight o'clock. They woke us so like oh they were joking depict deal and they'd like thirty comes around. I'm like oh it was. Obviously she's not here. And i'd like nine o'clock shows up her bob and these has like two apartments and like i've been one apartment. They put them in the apartment and they're talking like with my family and then all of a sudden all these things are happening to be like somebody has come to. The apartment is ironic my shirt. Somebody is shaping me like. They're getting ready. Okay prince these things or whatever you're a prince of don't like diva feather like okay. You go over there and talk and so like okay but like my brother josh. You're coming with me so they all come along and we're talking. It's like my grandfather's sister. Her bob her be reshaped by brother. Josh there's nothing to talk about their asking me questions about what i do and of course it make any sense to them like how the hell do explain. Why ed then okay. So it's like this happens. We have some chitchat and it's extremely awkward. Though they're like okay. A load okay. So do you at her like okay. You guys go and we go into a bedroom at like to have like a load time to talk and so we're like sitting at the edge of the bed. It's so awkward. I have literally nothing to say to her. I've already decided that this is not going anywhere. She speaks english. She speaks english but actually on the outside mood speaking she. She's attractive but other than that. Very lillard even qualities for me. So then she goes doesn't ask you and then later that day they're like okay. So would you think are you kidding me. Like obviously a doubt they're like. Oh okay ka. She said yes. Oh my god and she said yes. Be like if i said yes we would get engaged. Oh my god that's like how it works or offered outwards our good work so i could've been married today. Easy have been so easy one so then they had to deliver the news to her. That's like real life swiping right. They're they're like She'll swiped left four girl not so by tire. Fame enrage Everyone everyone extended family. Your brother single. Greg i rashidi cisco what. How old is he. He's twenty seven okay. Another episode maybe mind. Let's see so a had arranged marriages and the work. I think it's because we're of where you live so i think about. It's like the economics of dating right if there were no other choices and this is your only choice. Then of course you're gonna make the best up out of it but when you live in a society where there are multiple options and choices.
00:20:07 - 00:25:02
It's hard to accept something that's given to you right. That's right. I think it's also like a generation difference too because like our parents and their parents like married for stability and all of that where like we as a generation are marrying more for love opposed to that protection yes totally there's like a macro macroeconomic to like kids to work the fire of whatever versus dow to get very futuristic. Or whatever like you know. There's a date. Where workers do you want kids. Yeah definitely and you want marriage. Yeah yeah think so pretty sure i like the idea of just like having like having like that stability and i feel like whatever relationship. I like stability too like. It's nice to like have somebody. That's like a standard like rock Your life. I don't want to turn this into a personal ad but i am so what. What type of girls are you attracted to. I'm not talking about physically but personality wise. I think like. I think he noted earlier. I probably the adventurous side so definitely adventure. Somebody's like open to stuff. Yes open to doing something wake might. I might come home at a wednesday and like have bought tickets to fly somewhere on friday so spontaneous. Yeah are open despondency. That's one another like just like curiosity. Intelligence sort of is pretty important. I like it's interesting. I only recently learned that. Like other guys chernoff by it Curiosity intelligence intelligence so so so dated. About a year ago she is a md phd at stanford and she had it in her profile and then took it out. She said she got three times as many responses. Which you took it out so like for me. That's great like somebody who like like. Why would they want that. But for other guys. It's like that's cool. Yeah so i feel like that's like an arbitrage opportunity for me other guys. We're not interested. I am of like obviously cut this or or like. I spent a year in my life. volunteering dig microfinance work. And i think somebody who's like cares about people is something that's important to me And so like. Even though i don't get to like live profit life now it's something that's like part of like. Maybe i am so that that's important to be adventurous. Curious down to earth I think like swiping through somebody's pictures. It's pretty clear. Like i'm not gonna get along with somebody who's like always super beta up and like you know you could sort of just like high maintenance. That's not my thing. So i think those those are some qualities that i look for. I think you also need a girl who challenges you or in a way Someone who brings a new perspective or teaches you something you knew nothing about so i love. I love big dot or learning. You know like. I love like you're totally right. That's great great perception. What you just described is kind of the perception. I've had of you okay. So i don't think your social media is indeed that far off. I don't think his social media is far off from his personality. But i think it's off from what i think you're looking for in terms of a relationship right. I think what you're saying is by social media says that i'm not looking for exactly your ability. Yeah it so. How do you change that. Like this is like locally. Podcast one you could retain the light. You're having just with someone like they're totally not link your social media's completely unrepresentative at all yeah. I think it's just having a balance of post. I really think it's a balance.
00:25:02 - 00:30:10
Yeah it's the mixing in all the adventure stuff with sort of like the domestic stuff. I love having guests like you on the show. She oh because i know we're not focusing on a specific story here but i think it was focusing on a cohort of people here in san francisco. Who are like you who Have these awesome lives. Who have this great social media presence. But there's a little bit of mysterious to you wherever you like. What issue you're looking for. Is he even single one. That's actually a good question. I didn't even know you're single or not. You could just be hiding girlfriend somewhere. I don't even know right could be. Are you don bucket new. She's adorable so one. I don't even know if you're single too. I don't know if you're available today in three. I don't know if you have time to date. These are the three questions. So how do you. How do you change that. How like again. It's the balanced guys. I m say goal available ready today. Let me see your bumble then okay. I'm going to describe shiels profile. Can't see so your profile photo is of you and allama making a funny face. Okay number two. Is you giving talk somewhere. This is actually a very good photo view very charismatic. there three. Is you humping the floor at a wedding dizzying. Yeah of course you've got to have a puppy photo. You'd puppy photo. And then what's the last one here. Is that rhino behind reina. Okay okay so many years the last one. it's bart simpson cartwright. Yeah bert so. Like i have friends dressed up as bart simpson and road. The bar just for fun. Random art project i did. Okay yeah so. I think this really shows your personality. You're totally fun and goofy but again are you able to be serious. I don't well. There's there's picture number two right like me speaking at a conference rife work series that a relationship like i don't see this. I mean this could be your linked profile photo for all i know. Yeah you're dedicated to your job. Which isn't necessarily bad quality all be wrong but not in the. I'm ready for a relationship and every other photo. You're just super goofy like yeah deeper goofy which is a great side to show but at the same but as much a thirty four year old man on bumble i would be thinking is ready to settle down. I don't know the baby. Maybe by profile what i wrote. Also venture capitalists. I'm an easygoing guy with a healthy sense of adventure curiosity and unfairly amazing life. Show myself head people ask you rarely she'll then we just talk about this. I'm used to edit based on your comments. Oh we're going to end it the shit out. I'm usually in good spirits and doing something doing something work. I imagine a better world and help make it real plus podcasts. Host i guarantee lots of laughter and then sure travel and random silliness. I think what you're describing again. Is this persona of she'll baby. There's like what i see on some be ready for the real deal like looking for which is like. I put a lot of weight on that phrase right there. If you said. I'm ready for the real deal. I would definitely swipe on you for sure. Okay yeah i to get right now. Adding to that lasts a don't unfairly. Amazing live she out so full of yourself casual but it also does imply that you're ready for sure. Yeah totally cheesy like. Yeah or i'll also like when people say not here for the vanity swipes ready for the real deal. I liked that even heard of that. I like that term vanity swipes because some people are on it just for ego boost sort. Yeah i definitely not on it for an ego boost. So i would also switch out your lama photo so i have like woods here is five silly or i should make it like to just bow. I think it's all about a balance. I wanna see a serious side of you. And i wanna see that goofy side and most of the time. These guys just have goofy photos in general. I can't even see their faces and get rid of unfairly amazed. I already i already said already gone ten matches racist real time real time advice. Julie okay so i've got like that. I put ready for the real deal. And i like that. That's a really good line to have. Yeah i'd add that too when you look at your profile or look at your social media posts instead of saying like. Let's say you're doing it for dating purposes instead of saying what a girl like these photos think about what my friend set up their friend with me based on these better way of looking at how.
00:30:10 - 00:35:01
You're how you're being perceived. I think you guys are totally right that the perception is that like i'm not available like i had not thought about that. Okay let's go onto our question of the day because we do have a question of the day it comes from tessa she says i'm at a point in my life. Where of my close friends are either married or in serious relationships. I'm the only single one in this friend group. And now i have no one to go out with. Do i need to find new friends. Oh look friendship evolves over. I have a lot of friends who are dating or even buried even with kids but like it's just how you spend time with them changes in what you do changes at so i probably spend warlike weekend days with my friends with kids and we all like go to the park or something That's just changed from three years ago where they were crazy. Single people like we were going out our. It's like saturday at the park with the kids. It's fun i love it. I love them but it just changes. at like. by fred's i would say over time. I just spent less time with those. That are all buried in a couple of but right also it just. It just happens. Yeah too early. I think it's a balance. Because i felt this before too in certain situations and it's like you obviously want to keep being friends with someone despite whatever their relationship status. There's reasons why you came close with them to begin with however on the other side like you said what you do changes and if you're single if they're all out on date night in you don't have a day like what are you gonna do. Just sit home see kind of do have to find other people that wanna like do stuff with you in that capacity to so i think it's a combination of both. So she asked. Should she find new friends. Yeah yeah maybe making a friend or two. That will be like your wing. Woman isn't a bad idea. But i don't think you should like all of a sudden ditch all your original friends. They're in a different stage than you. And i want to focus on tessa here saying i have no one to go out with. I guess i would ask tessa defined going out. Maybe there comes a point in your life where you shouldn't be going out anymore or you should be going out less and when going out there's a different definition of for maybe it's going to do more of the hobbies that you enjoy doing or you know or like going out hiking more. It's not about going out to bars to meet someone anymore. I do think like what your friends are doing signals where you are in your life too so if your friends tend to be coupling off or getting into relationships maybe it kind of signals that you should be looking for something a little bit more serious to right and if and if that's not the case for you then those are friends you've outgrown or they've outgrown you and maybe it's time to find a new group of people because obviously you're not at the same stage in life anymore. I guess it's like how do you define a friend. You just have an activity partner right but how do you do. I think he just put the word out there. You crowd source that shit you're like. Does anybody have a single friend. That wants this event with me. Yes it works that way and then you could end up. Made making a new friend or some new activity partner. That's true because either of your friends someone else's gotta be single best friend but it could be someone to degree separate exactly. We're never unique in our situations so you're feeling it somebody else who feels like they was the last thing i want to say to is. Sometimes you also need to demand time from your friends. I think it's fair to say. Hey i know you guys are married or you have your own lives. But i do need some of our time to write girls that out exactly like one night a month. Let's all go out. Just people were proactive. Beat people hang out with us. We're the heck have you met. She'll tessa he has fairly amazing life. I think totally open myself up. I totally totally open myself up for this. Okay let's wrap this up listeners. At home we want to hear your stories has perception ever change the way you dated or change. The way you went about dating we wanna hear from you and just any stories you have in general or if you wanna meet. She'll let us know we look you up if he's not traveling if he's available in town in toad for your notepads bachelor s you were one week.
00:35:02 - 00:36:26
Be in town if you beat the right. Yes cable number. Two number one in her number one. If you wanna see she'll shirtless right us as well. We'll send you some petless. you have fixture lists. Yeah every together with photoshop and you've got the full picture also available for bachelorette parties and with that sets native. All your action item for this week is so think about how you want to be perceived in this day and age. Your brand is your online presence. So how do you want to sell your product. Actually take the time to jot down how you want to be perceived and see if that matches up to what you're actually putting out there on the world wide web. The most efficient way to meet new people is a combination of online. and offline. five hundred. Wrenches has your offline covered connect over brunch with new friends. Come alone or bring a buddy. There's always a table. Full of friendly faces will most says an eggs benedict sign up at five hundred branches dot com and use the code date able for free entry to connect with us visit dateable. Podcast dot com. You can also find us on facebook twitter and instagram. All under dateable podcasts.