S5E1: The Secret to Dating in Modern Times

Dateable Podcast
September 12, 2017
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September 12, 2017

S5E1: The Secret to Dating in Modern Times

We discuss the impact of technology, urban elite cities, and how to navigate through it all to find something real.

The Secret to Dating in Modern Times

Notch drops the secret of dating successfully in a city where our attention is scattered and options are plentiful. We discuss the impact of technology, urban elite cities, and how to navigate through it all to find something real.

Episode Transcript

S5E1 The Secret to Dating in Modern Times

00:00:02 - 00:05:05

Hey everyone welcome to season. Five of the dateabe podcast as always we're excited to be back bigger better an juicier than ever for anyone new joining us and for all of our loyal returning listeners. First of all heo. We miss you guys. Since launching in february last year we've had over five hundred thousand listens. That's a lot of people who are experiencing modern dating or simply entertained by what the hell is happening in. Our love lives some the publications we've been featured in include fussell thought catalog huff. Po asked then britten co sf gate up out and b. e. t. bt listed us as one of the top five podcast that might change your perspective on dating things for the love bt. And if you didn't know already in our off season we launched a few premium episodes called the y series where we dissect analyze an offer solutions to some of the most common dating conundrums. We've had some great feedback on. How actionable these episodes are so. Check it out on our website under the tab. Why series okay onto the show. We've a lot of fun. Topics view the season and this premiere episode touches upon many of the issues and challenges. We face in modern dating with technology just fair warning there some strong language and very strong opinions expressed in this episode that maybe a little offensive or even shocking but the outcome and takeaways are universal for all plus. You might be inspired to take a new hobby ready to find out what that might be here. Season five episodes one dateable podcast teachers real stories from real people of how they make dating work or not. I'm your host. Ua former dating coach turned dating insider. If you will on each episode you'll hear commentary from producer. Julie crosscheck and other surprise co hosts. This episode of dateable is brought to you by five hundred brunches. Five hundred branches connects like minded people with similar interests to meet in real life over brunch. Quake questionnaire about your interest and how you spend your time. And then they'll match you in small groups of sixty eight at a brench spot in san francisco. Get a free entry into a french by signing up at hundred branches dot com and using the code date able everyone. Welcome to another episode of dateable. Show all about modern dating. Our guest today has named his bottle. I guess it is your parents were. That's mean man regular name. Why why do you go by bobble ned. Because i'm a treasure hunter. I like digging up old bottles bottles antique bottles from the nineteenth century. Oh yeah we made any money off of them. I can't say oh. This is like a hobby. You've had for awhile since i was a child. How many bottles do you have right now. It's not quantity quality quality. Dating a segue. We're going to get right to it. So yeah you've been in san or you've been in the bay area for your whole life. Yeah unfortunately unfortunately your first local. Maybe no definitely. I would believe in the first local. Who's been here the whole time. There have been the whole time. Yeah yeah there's no locals around here moran right repairing s f local shelter couve and just to give you guys an idea of his age range anywhere between eighteen to fifty day. Oh me you date girls eighteen. It has all the wouldn't anyone a chance. Yeah let me tell you something right now. Any guy would would date in eighteen year old if they had a chance in if it was socially acceptable and if they could get away with it or what acceptable was the key and then you go as high as fifty but how old are you have to say you'd say range you'd say rain thirty something. Thirty s okay down eighteen. I don't remember how. I am all my dating sites different off eighteen year old. They're not gonna go for my god. You're in your thirties. Like like they're going to be like they're going to be like jesus christ these old but when they see you they don't realize how old they are because eighteen year olds don't have a concept of yet.

00:05:05 - 00:10:03

They just see a person. That's an adult. They don't know how old they are an adult. They see like i'm just full. Grown man more bothered by the fact that you're totally free agent equal opportunity employer. I'll all any any any age any whatever i don't give a shit be listening to this. Going what the fuck is going on. The reason why we brought net on is because none of i saw each other a couple days ago and we started talking about dating in san francisco. And he's like dating in. San francisco is terrible and i have some tips for people to date better right. Yeah so let's talk about why you think. Dating in san francisco is problematic. I think that's a. I mean it's common knowledge to a certain extent. If you do some research online you can typhon y dating and sf sucks and you know for people. People know you know. Everyone's perpetually distracted. It's the city's full perpetual children are boring uninteresting. Their of tech. You know those kind of people and that's fine for certain types. You know it. I think the main problem is people have too many options. That's what it comes down during the city options. That's what it comes down to anywhere if you encounter a person that has too many options. They're never going to choose any one thing they're always gonna. It's human nature to always see that. The grass is greener on the other side of the fence and especially pertaining to dating. So now you throw things like technology and tinder into the mix and maybe a nineteen ninety. Vapid materialists walking around who are like wall street. You know wanna be. Stock isn't an issue that you're facing personal. Yes yes of course definitely facing this issue and what i'm doing is i'm using it to my advantage instead of being screwed over by it like i have been you know for the last decade of being around here and so i it took me a long time to realize this and a lot of frustration of being in the city and trying to date these girls. That are always distracted. And they're always like talking five other guys you're talking to other girls and and like you just wanna commit but you don't you can't because you're so ambivalent destroyed all like this person but then there's always the promise of another person because you're in a big city and it's generally a problem for city especially a problem for a technology driven city like san francisco and you know people generally live in a city so that they can You know pursue their career and so their career. I in in the relationships come second and their friends come first in the relationship and then when you add things like tinder into it. It's like you know the next guy's only a swipe away and in how many freaking millions of dudes around in the city right because the technology freaking ivy league fucking cock deuce coming off the bus every day off the thousand so to speak on google bus coming from all around the world. It's kind of like the gold rush. San francisco is always been the city of men. And let me tell you why is because it's is started as a city of men because it was a bunch of argonauts and explorers coming here in eighteen forty nine to To search for treasure. And there's a bunch of single men in and bought well. I've tried to find their bottles now in eighteen fifty there was you know thousands of men in the city. There was probably only fifty women. There was some statistic like that and so they had to import prostitutes from europe and south america and china just to to satisfy the demand because there was hardly any women here and that ad and even now we have this big tech boom which attracts generally more men. That's why there's like a may maybe about twenty thousand men men surplus in the bay area. There's like twenty thousand more than there are checks or some kind of crazy number like that But do you feel like you're competing with other men you think there's of course inherently you're going to be competing with other dudes when you have you know a huge pool of people you're going to be dating is competition that's the nature of it so you've come to some solutions what i have a really simple practical solution for me works first time every time you let me take out. The bradford lead ready. I'm so really. it's about to get your knowledge. Drop it three secret. Today's senior successfully in san francisco is not dating people of services fucking long. It took me to figure that out your many fucking stupid ass basics. I had to go. I'm like oh take you out to dinner a really nice guy into this in the now. Let's turn to text in there fucking not responding and my heart's broken and all this shit and then it's like these fucking people are like.

00:10:03 - 00:15:06

They seem like they're a soul and shit and i'm like what the hell's going on fucking tender is the kiss of death right to your millions of people. Guess what tenders the kiss of death in the city because there's millions of people in the city populating tender if you get tinder passport go to a small town where there's less people and all the girls are just like you know. Oh man. i'm sick of these three dudes. I have to choose and you just start tendering air. You fucking get so many goddamn hits. I'm like i'm like freaking neck. Deepen infrequent tender messages just from going to duns mirror or goal-bound town up in small towns. You're not talking about like bumble fuck or something yokels it's gotta be feasible now the promise. San francisco's a lot of people. Don't want to travel outside of the micro-climate a lot of people losing their michael. And i get that too and i have a solution for that too. I haven't actually tried to implement it. Because i'm willing to drive and it's it's it's given me great success but Once your solution for the people not willing to drive you have to find someone that just moved here and they have to be from a small town and you have to get them right when they get a sales you. I think there is merit to it. Trust me mad. It's still hard because as soon as a girl moves here. They're like overwhelming track that the ivy league schools and they'll make upwards of six figures year. Holy shit my parents. Don't even work at mcdonald's a people that come here know from small and a lot of people from small towns. Don't come here that's the point. That's why i go to them. Because you know just the fact that i own a car impresses them like when you're to on a date and san francisco the san francisco girl. You can't impress him every fucking thing in the world pull it out of your frigging halley. Hello my career my car or my my this that my tell skills they don't give a shit because they have the million other. It's a little bit of socioeconomic status mixed in here. Are you when you go to the small towns. Do you find the difference. Then oh fuck yeah. I find the difference all my god. It's easier to impress them. All you have to do is be like. Hey actor in san francisco. Wow you live in a big city while you're at after you have a driver's license. Do you have any convictions like math. You've never dealt meth before. Like my last boyfriend is only gonna love. You really love than hell. Yeah what people with low standards so you can impress them no matter what you do. And they're and they're bored. They're sitting in their town. They're going guy. I just need something to do someone to do. I need something to like. Sweet me on my feet. I'm sick of all these dumb ass guys with tattoos. Who ride around in their skateboards and sell drugs and never leave their small town. They're sick of that. They want this interesting guy from the city. They want this guy like whoa. I can't impress them. But what would be impressive about them for you. What would be okay. Good very good question. what is attractive. What is let's first talk about. What's not attractive about a girl from san francisco girl. San francisco perpetuo perpetual child at twenty eight. She's still running around pretending. She's in a sorority at the fickle. They never concentrated on. You always on their phone. They're always getting text messages. Even when you're on a date they're they're constantly like distracted and technology. It's all about distraction. You're getting these notifications fucking notifications. And so they're distracted there fickle they're not emotionally invested in you. They're invested in their career. They're invested in their friends. they're not they. Don't look at you look at you really look at you. They're not in that moment. Because there's so fucking overwhelmed and distracted because that's just human nature that's the nature of our brain. We overwhelmed by too much stimulus living in city too much. Too much technology to missile. Here's the thing about girls. From small towns. They really look at you. They they fucking they look at you like they have something behind. There is their sole their president. Their present with you and you know it's true what they say being a small town as like being ten years in the past. Guess what wasn't fucking ten years ago. All these goddamn distracting apps and bullshit and all this smartphone crap and so they're actually present in the moment and they. They spent time with you. When i first started doing this i was like this is what's been missing in my life and my dating life. Is i get to actually date somebody. I get to go on multiple dates it unfolds like a relationship it builds it becomes. There's like an upward momentum whereas san francisco girls you just there's you can't you can't fucking data general you mentioned earlier that you're an equal opportunist each some of the stuff you mention. Have you seen a difference as women get older. Definitely a difference between as women get older in different areas so in san francisco.

00:15:06 - 00:20:03

You're going to have the largely you're going to have the college and then above crowds. You can have the twenty one twenty eight. Probably the hardest age brackets date. Because they're they're super overwhelmed busy and they just got to the city and they're like destroyed. They're not ready to settle down or commit but in so there. There's but there you old enough to be jaded. But they're they're too young to be wise. So that's the hardest part and then twenty eight up. That's when they're like. Oh shit biological clock got a lead. Oh man but then san francisco it's actually way delays see in a small town fucking twenty nine twenty one yard. You have a kid. You're a single mom of the kid or you're looking in san francisco. Twenty nine thirty early thirties. Even now. you're still running around like you're in a sorority earth. Younger younger well. San francisco makes it really if this is a tough one because because basically the age bracket screw twenty one to twenty eight in san francisco. Your it's very hard above twenty-eight that's good but you have to be ready to you know commit and get married and all that stuff which is what you're looking for so if you're looking for something more of a commitment from girl i would go for a girl basically above thirty at this point but what are you looking for me. Personally yeah I'm looking for a white trash hippie girl. Small town whose parents own some nice property and as soon as i meet her. I'm just gonna fucking move up there on that property either in a trailer in the house. And i'm just going like for bottles. Yeah i almost had it man last summer. Do at a white trash hippie girl totally sexual fucking hot. The only promise. She's she's fucking kind of an idiot shoe selfish and it didn't work out. She cheated on me with a fake hippie. Who who painted her in the nude. And i said don't go up there. Don't go camping with that fucking fake ass hippies. Going to he's going to try to have sex is the own she's like. Oh no that's not gonna help in that. She did and i was like fuck. Her family. Dude had the nicest house in sebastian pool. Oh my old money with a hot tub. These people are old money. White trash rich there fucking grand great grandfathers were like don't farmers to look for a partner. I mean even if this is yes fleeting but like don't you want a partner who's equally as interesting equally as ambitious like equally as whatever it may be vicious people. They're always like yeah. I'm going this weekend. I'm going to bali for a week next month. And this week. I'm going to phoenix fucking going rock climbing and boating unlike jesus christ fuck down. I just want to connect with you. I hate fucking ambitious people. I want somebody that's been there for me. Why you live here. 'cause i i- self deprecating. I can't stand myself. no. I'm kidding around. Real reason is is the great work here that i i'm useless if i go to a small town like if you're not a general contractor carpenter you're fucking who are do voiceover and acting. Let's get the fuck. Are you idiots and so then i. I'm a man of no worlds. It's actually fucked for me. That's one of the reasons why it's taking so long. So i go to a small town in people as you grow weed or you do carpentry up here. You know. we don't do voice over and all that shit. Whatever the hell you do down and then i come down here and my skills are relevant. But then the people i'm around. Would you want to pluck someone from a small town and bring them here or you'll just corrupt them. no. I want to go there them from a small town. I i would never do that. Anybody i would never do something so terrible to pretty innocent person pretty safe. Say your few stop dating in san francisco. Oh fuck yeah i have. I have one hundred percent not will not waste my time. And i have a couple of times. I've gone back. And maybe i shouldn't have started to talk to a couple of san francisco people and after dating the small town people. It is this difference. The contrast is so stark. When you talk to the san francisco be like oh my god. You're like a fucking thirty year old child and and you are not really in this invested in me at all in. You're totally distracted. And you're talking to like five other dudes in this is this is not going anywhere. You're in the same vote fell. They may be time to five other dudes. You're talking to other girls. So are yeah. Because mir of them yes. But i'm talking to them to increase my options and increase my possibility for success in a shorter time period. And then as soon as i get a hint of somebody like the dirty hippie chick. Last summer i stopped talking to everybody. And i just committed to that as soon as i got a hint that it might fucking go somewhere when we spoke last time. You're like you girls. In small towns date like they traditionally and the girl's name cisco they don't date national. What does that mean. It's just the girls. And san francisco are too distracted to be able to go on one date and then be like.

00:20:04 - 00:25:08

Oh let's go on another date and then maybe be. I'm speaking in general my experience and then there's this feeling of building and there's this commitment. That kind of is a subtext. Spending more time with the key to successfully dating is Is to spend time with somebody in the problem is i. Don't fucking have a job. Where i see certain people every day. If you have a job. Even in the barry where you see the same people every day if you could pick a fucking person that you are attracted to and you like out of that and and work on that and build that you have a chance. Yeah but if you don't if you're not in that situation let me tell you are fox so you can't like you need time in which small town girls they have the time. Because they're gonna do is the employment there if they maybe go to j. c. They work at a restaurant but they have time in. They have a emotional availability you know. And they're like they're so you can spend time and you develop like a connection with them. And i found it before that in the city of the barrier. I found it really hard to develop connections with people there too jaded to distraction too distracted and they had too many options. Women feel the same way. Yeah i know which is absolutely you mentioned earlier. View google there was this article list. Awhile ago if you remember this why is the word. Yes both men and women were posting it. So that's part of the math. Alling one sex is like having the time ever in the other one is not your say. Perpetual child distracted dickel. It's really is to the men to mostly invested not present. These are the phrases we hear all the time from both both sexes. So what's the real issue here because you're talking about specifically online dating and actually specifically tender. Have you tried to meet people in real life. What do you mean if i try to. I guess that's the whole else. You're wasting your time but like getting off the apps to meet people. Yes yes. I have thought about that. Not san francisco. Obviously because everyone's on their phones you can't even talk to them. You go to church you meet someone you go to a public space and you see someone at whole foods or sitting at a table eating their food and you go and talk to them or you. Grocery store bookstore on the street of bus. Stop anywhere you go now. Everyone's just like their faces glued to their frequent phones. Much fucking pod people. I see him walking down the street. Now it actually makes me viscerally depressed. I see these people crossing the street and was like yeah. It's fucking invasion of the body. Snatchers all wearing their fucking little white headphones. Like come a point. Where like my impression of someone in san francisco. Is someone walking staring at their phone. Not even looking at reality and just going. I mean it's guys now's for nine years. I feel i've been here for decent amount and there is like this. It was like some sketch on youtube. But like the it was like taking you through different people that you would meet in different cities in the stereotype. S was like attack bro on his tech richer. Check like this is so sad because like a couple years ago. That would not have been the up. What people associate with san francisco but now that is in like and now. It's so this this play. This infection in our fucking civilization is going to go to these small towns. We don't have a lot of time. You're going to go africanness. First reading in ten years is going to be a bunch of people boom the phone to let you know either already. All these guys damn white people are already moving to study sacramento and other school cities and infecting those cities with their stupid automaton phone tech bullshit. You know which which sucks you know. Because i have a lot of secret places i can still go. That's that are like islands away sissies of Here you're walking about a small town where people don't have a lot of options or where people are let me. I'll tell i'll tell you this. I went on a date. That was really amazing last summer and it made summer actually feel like summer i was. I was camping in weber lake. Tahoe and i started tendering. The shit out of it because i you know as soon as i go anywhere else in my tender right right right and so i i met this girl like my fantasy girl. She lived in carson city nevada. Yeah no most. People don't live in the city as an anecdote i i. I went up to visit her and she was driving. This beat up old truck from the one thousand nine hundred eighty s and. She had a cassette player. And she's still use cassette twenty twenty-three-year-old absolutely drop dead fucking long blonde hair with peach fuzz tan skin perpetual bahiti body white trash girls tend to do. They're like why are they also hot where they not fat they all like terrible food and stuff but it there's like so she's like fucking in a bikini and pictures what the so anyway.

00:25:08 - 00:30:01

I'm driving around in the speed up truck and she was babysitting some beautiful little kid that her friend had that was. She was out of town for the weekend. And tahoe. that's outta town when when you're in carson city literally like talk ten miles away or something but anyway so We're driving around in this beat up pickup truck and the sun was setting in the desert and it was me and her in this child. This beautiful child but it could have been and went to this barbecued ribs festival. We're walking around. And i was holding the child's hand and it was holding her hands. This is what i'd be doing if i grew up. In carson city would be married to this beautiful peach fuzzed blonde hair tan bikini body. Fucking hick girl who drives a beat up truck in her data contractor. Their dads are always contractors. And i would be. I would have this beautiful child and it would be mine. And we'd be at the barbecued barbecue rib festival together as a family. And i just. I actually started crying and i had ice like. Let's say it was really hot. I started crying. I i had to tell her. It was hot sauce bottle net. I'm just like not in the same world. You i see it but i don't get it yet and i see i think this takeaway though at least i'm hearing is that you have like. This isn't necessarily your environment but you found other options without having to leave. Some people aren't gonna feel like they belong in a certain place and i've always felt that and but i grew up in kind of a smaller town in marin in a different time period when people were a lot cooler and less tech driven and distracted. So i guess it's natural going to feel that and so being in the city at actually never feels right to me never feels comfortable to me interacting with anyone here and i. I know there's other people here that probably feel the same total a lot of people do. We've a lot of. I mean we're saying like a lot of friends. I feel this way. Sometimes i think it's like is there like that guy that wants that commitment and maybe maybe a strategy is going to like the spam not like or somewhere else you have to pay like. Maybe it is expanding rises a bit. It's hard because you have to be able to commit because one of the number one Keys to any of formula for a relationship to work proximity physical proximity. Yes hope you're even have to see each other. But i think it's a catch twenty two because your situations all different. Most people come to san francisco where they go to a city not only because they're attracted to that city and the career opportunities but they're also attracted to the people in that city so this city attracts people who are maybe Career driven there are ambitious. They're they're really into trying out new things kind of adventurous. Everybody's oh let's go into venture votes for the hidden secret about that lake. Alam your falls bass lake that lake. I fucking like grew up at and now they're inundating. They're they're all coming there. In droves from fucking google glasses vicious start from type for people who are in the situation like actually in the trenches like every day ban. Go to this job issues dating. I think these are the team ways. I'm i'm thinking of. We talked about this. A lot is one. Put your phone your headphones. Yeah i mean that's definitely present not even conversation but just walking down the street. Yeah for safety reasons to be putting down your phone in your headphones out. No i mean. I make the phones are addictive and i'm no freaking exception. I'm not cooler than everyone else here. I fucking i'm a pod person. I'm goddamn automaton robot. Loser i sit there on my phone. I stare at my fucking phone and look at mindless bullshit on facebook for like for like an hour after i wake up or like for an hour when i'm eating it's like hours a day or wasted in like when i go to a public space i i make it a point to put that shit in my pocket and just look around me and and be open be open to connecting with somebody i contact and just the real key is another thing i learned from going to small towns is small town. People are really good at talking. Everybody even it's never superficial. It's like hey how's it going. Are yankee conversation with you. And that is the key to fucking everything. It's the key to getting jobs. It's the key to like meeting people that you you everything can be gotten by just making casual random conversation with random people that you don't miss the issue we face is that you in the city. Feel like they're in the center of the universe and everything kind of evolves round the urban elite.

00:30:02 - 00:35:01

When you go into a date with most people do is. They have a checklist of things they need to accomplish in that date or in that day or in tomorrow so then they're not present on other on that date because are too busy thinking about their own red tour. You have to be present you. You gotta let all that stuff go. It's like meditation. I i agree. So i was going to say a great tip is before you go on a date with down your phone for thirty minutes beforehand. So in your mind at least clear. I don't you have to check your text messages to see if you're going to flake say thirty minutes. I'm not going to be reachable. See you there right. Took is because one a gives l less of an opportunity for man and you get a clear your mind thirty minutes before so when you go into that date clean slate. They'd be present and it's hard not to have like stuff from your past. That comes in and influences. Your present consciousness always gonna be thing like you know. Young girls are really great because they're not jaded. But there's like there's like stuff over fucking you know early. Twenties is going to have all this the social conditioning and on all these past experiences. They're going to influence how they interact with individuals now and that's also very damaging because you can go into a situation where you don't even know a person and you can have judgements of them based on their appearance based on things they've already told you in a text message me how could you judge someone from texas really and then all the stuff and it's really a good meditative practice to To clear your mind prejudgments we're going on and the other thing. I want to bring up as you said the girls you meet are emotionally invested. They go from day to day and we see this a lot scheduled back to back debates course her whole of what if you took a step back and said i'm only going to go on one day a week. That's it so for that me one because what happens a lotta times we go on a date and we think oh. This is a workout. I saw on saturday. Layers a plan b. So we're not investing in that person. Jarrett were not fully present. You know and then we're not emotionally present either. So i i would say it back and say i will only schedule max one day per week. That's it yeah and you just have to hope they're doing the same thing. It's usually the art which breeds you know if everyone did that. That would be great. Put that breeds new getting really frustrated. Because then you're like shit. I've no backup plan and you flaked on me on a saturday night fog you know. That's that's i'm hoping now. Create more accountability. You're right if you only have data week. I think it's a better way just to live because then you're at least putting yourself out there and then you will eventually come across that exceptional person. That is doing the same thing or feels the same way. Like you're obviously seeing you from yours but we talked to a lot of people and a lot of people feel same way you read all that stands so it's like oh yeah we all are facing this so clearly. No one's happy with the way they're dating back to back league no as another option. That's like what can we do. All the stuff i think is very. That's really constructed. I think the main kind of point. I wanna get you as soon everything that i'm not speaking to unite. But if you're listening and you have all these complaints about the people you've been dating looked yourself you call somebody for petrol. Child look to yourself. Drew you exhibiting behavior that also makes you seem like a perpetual of course if you're complaining about people who are fickle near they're distracted. Are you also fickle. A man like attracts like exactly so look inside. I in yourself and see what you can change about yourself before you start putting putting these complaints out into the universe all same boat here. Nobody likes to take someone who schedule five back to back backdate. Nobody be like sedate. Someone who is not fully present. Even though they're looking at you nobody wants any of that right so we catch someone on their bullshit. Oh my gosh on their phone. Or like fiddling around be like a rule that we're not having our phones out for this dude. Yeah can we not yet. Can we not have our phones out. And i do like because people always say you know like. I think someone should confirm the date. You know the day before. And i agree. I think if you're going on a date the you know you have a date set. You should confirm the night before and for that whole entire day. You shouldn't have anxiety about that person's grind to show off or not. That shouldn't be an issue for anybody. Right yeah so you should confirm the night before and that for the whole day lose that anxiety and lose your phone are they. You gotta get point because you're not.

00:35:01 - 00:40:01

You can't expect other people to do this but you should. At least do it yourself as soon as you recognize yourself. It took me. I mean so long to know who i am before i could gain the confidence and experience and understanding to really be able to effectively use my dating techniques which are not as difficult as yours. Frankly i'm just using the technique of avoidance of a certain demographic people but in a certain geographic region but your Your technique is is is is harder in the in the short term. I think but. I think it's gonna pay off because you're gonna invest in invest and the trick. Is you know you. You really just have to say like. I'm going to invest and give myself if they don't do the same thing then they're not worth it any way and also i think you'll filter better only allotted one night a week. Then you're not going to say to every yes we so we have. We had an episode about how to meet more people in real life as people always struggle with air because dating apps or the default and no one is happy with that. But that's how it is so we've been kind of did like a challenge. The seven day challenge. I did it myself and it was not having your own smiling at people trying to make small talk like it's hard hard. You get so not to get out of each a muscle that you have to work all the time or else you lose it it's wearily but i feel like from doing it my like i've been making a lot more random conversation with people. I've just felt more relaxed. Not being glued to my phone every second so i do think if you're not getting the reciprocal back it's like still healthy for you to do even for yourself and if you take a road trip and go to a small town notice how they do it. Yes we're going to restore and they'll be a lot more random conversation with cashiers and fellow. Shoppers are you dr. You go anywhere. And i you know when when i was noticing this when i was like going you know doing my trips out of the city campaign you know years ago. I would walk in the streets. I'm gonna be like. Hey how's your day going the hell do you what. Here's a motive. But actually you know you have to realize that people genuinely asking that because they come from a different environment and then but take that. Take that back to this place. I'd so here's here's a little trick people on and i've done this with friends before. Go to union square and just attract. Yeah because tourists will talk to anyone. Travelers will tell you. I'm small towns. They need to know what the hottest restaurant go to. Just sit in union square. And you're going to be approached by a ton of people are so willing to talk to you and that's a great way to exercise your conference. Yeah i used to go into the hostels do that. I would just go. Go into that on broadway. Just killed got on the flip side is and we talked about this to date like you're on vacation in your city. Why can't you just state like you're going to san francisco for the first time and you're talking to strangers because you're in a different city or in a new city. I went to cinema last week. I was just in a hotel lobby. And i spoke to more people in that one day than i have my entire month in san francisco because people are just so willing to talk with your troubling approachable. Because if you're on vacation you're glued to your phone your dad around and i might does out there. That helps so. Should we do a question of the day. Let you a question of the day. This is really entertaining the day from atom. Who says i plan this elaborate first date with this girl i really like and she ended up suggesting that she didn't want to go on this elaborate date. She just wanted to go to her house and chill. What does this mean is sort of a standard of dating now. And did i make the wrong impression and my trying too hard. This is a first date. How long have we been talking though. I don't i don't know we don't have any background information. But it's a first date. Well jeez i mean my first thought would be that she just wants to want some booty but but you know then you start to think. There are some strange people. I don't wanna say strange dislike outliers like people who think differently and know. Recently i had a girl. she's like. Hey i live up in healdsburg. Why don't you just come to my place. You know i'm like don't you wanna meet downtown for a because you don't know me like you wanna give your home address here. Some people are just strangely. Trusting and i told her i said you know. Normally you'd probably shouldn't give someone your address if you haven't even met with them yet. But you know i'm not weird. I swear so. I came over and it was.

00:40:01 - 00:45:08

It was fine everything. We're just hang out but you know some people are just more. Trusting are more willing to open up like that and some people are a lot less trusting and then most people are in between where they're not gonna tell someone to come but so do you think it's a bootie call or something where she just wants to get to know him without any distraction or or noise or maybe she's really broke and she doesn't wanna go to a bar or restaurant and spend money. That's the hugging this stain. Aged people have different ideas of what dating means. And i think he should probably just ask her like he just flat out. Say like hey. I was really excited about doing this. Is there a reason you didn't want to do this. And just see what she says. Because i think it's like you said like who knows what her motive is. You might as well. Just ask her well. You know if it's an elaborate. Yeah that's a good point. If it's elaborate date. She might be like well. I don't wanna go on some crazy hike. Where i stuck in the middle of wilderness communication and might not be like. She's not interested or she's not looking for. Its might be too much too soon or call. She didn't feel well. Who knows what's go-. I might as well. Just ask her. Yup she wants to put minimal effort into it because he'd up no he's worth any effort which goes back to what you're saying. She she might be thinking. Oh i don't know if he's worth it. But maybe you should always just air on the side that the argon worth if you've been talking to them and they seem benefit of the doubt right. Yeah i think the communication aspect. Julie that you brought up is very important. I think he should go still go on the state with her but communicate the fact that he was really excited about this date that he pretty elaborate and ask her why she decided not to do that and have a much simpler plan. I like to hear her answer. I would i would go on the date and then ask her though not over the phone while on on the date. But i don't think it should. It means anything that she did this right. A community don't know what it means. So that it can mean anything synonymous. You're not like nowadays. People are very uncomfortable with actual dates. Like jack day was like dinner and a movie right. You will that. Because now they definitely. It's it's predate interviews. And they think i should just be at a bar over drink so some people are just really uncomfortable spending all that time with someone on the on these predates. Yeah i think predate interview make sense in our culture because it's so tech driven that most are meeting on a lot of people meeting online especially around here and so you just don't know there's all kinds of weirdos online and so it's probably just safer and a better idea to do the predate interview the coffee or the beer the bar. Whatever or to me or we've talked about just call just have a phone call is big time girls facetime facetime with a ready filter out a bunch of the people that only text you. Yeah the only thing that could on facetime is is hype and other things. We're going to wrap this up since you're not dating in san francisco if someone wants to find you. You're not on the apps in san francisco. But i've always in san francisco if someone else feels like. They want to really get to know someone that is not super surgically attached their phone region along or are they nice. You'll have to pay me. Avian dates put where someone has a nice collection of bottles. They wanna share. Yes definitely if anyone has a grandfather. Construction worker when they're willing embarcadero darrow center. One you know all those places take and if they're surgically attached to their phone you'll still yes. The battles took all your own good. No that's gotta be a real self and you'll get the people that did that. Recently i was in tahoe. And i was like screw this man all these care like myself. I'm i'm over this and that's when you when you find someone you're like. I really like your personality. I was like wow. That's crazy. I'll give you this. You're definitely authentic. That's the thing underneath or facades. He just have to happen. Social tax lenders. If you wanted me to be happy to hook you up for romantically then and even similar stories similar experiences or any dating stories. We love to have you as a guest on our show. Just reach out to us and on that note your action item for this week is to put your phone down. I know it's hard to quit. Cold turkey so let's start with putting away our phones and our headphones for at least thirty minutes a day while you're out and about i think that's doable.

00:45:08 - 00:45:49

Right taken all the sounds sights and smells of wherever you're at and you never know who you might notice. The most efficient way to meet new people is a combination of online. and offline. five hundred. Wrenches has your offline covered connect over brunch with new friends. Come alone or bring a buddy. There's always a table. Full of friendly faces mimosas and eggs benedict sign up at five hundred branches dot com and use the code date able for free entry to connect with us visit dateable. Podcast dot com. You can also find us on facebook twitter and instagram. All under dateable podcasts.

Dateable Podcast
Yue Xu & Julie Krafchick

Is monogamy dead? Are we expecting too much of Tinder? Do Millennials even want to find love? Get all the answers and more with Dateable, an insider’s look into modern dating that the HuffPost calls one of the ‘Top 10 podcasts about love and sex’. Listen in as Yue Xu and Julie Krafchick talk with real daters about everything from sex parties to sex droughts, date fails to diaper fetishes, and first moves to first loves. Whether you’re looking to DTR or DTF, you’ll have moments of “OMG-that-also-happened-to-me” to “I-never-thought-of-it-that-way-before.” Tune in every Wednesday to challenge the way you date in this crazy Dateable world.