S5E10 Breadcrumbing

00:00:03 - 00:05:01

The Dateable podcast is an insider's look into modern dating that the Huffington post calls one of the top ten podcast about love and sex. On each episode, we'll talk to real daters about. From sex parties to sex droughts, date fails a diaper fetishes and first moves to first loves. I'm your host Yue Xu, former dating coach turned dating sociologists. You also hear from my co host and producer Julie Krafchick as we explored this crazy dateable world.

This episode of dateable is brought to you by five hundred brunches five hundred brunches next like minded people with similar interests to meet in real life over brunch. You answer a questionnaire about your interest and how you spend your time. And then they'll match you in small groups of sixty eight at a brunch spot in san francisco get a free entry into brench now by signing up at five hundred brunches dot com and using the code date able everyone. Welcome to another episode of dateable. A show all about modern dating and you know with modern dating these new terms come out pretty much every week and sometimes i just have no idea what they're talking about. I was ghosting. That was like the trendy word of twenty sixteen and this year. A few new words came out including benching breadcrumbs and now they're zombie ing. Let me go through all the definitions because it has to do with our guest today. Her name is faira. she's been osama cisco for seven years. She's single originally from dallas. And she's in her mid thirties. She came to us and said guys. I keep on getting breadcrumbs. What is the deal. Are these guys not interested at all. Or is it just bad timing. So we're gonna get to the bottom of this but i also have a guest host with us today. His name is rich. he is a former guest. who is also recently married. Congratulations and he is really interested in this relationship coaching space he has lots of very insightful thoughts like and i just love talking to rich because he really offers great insight. So we brought rich back to talk to faira about breadcrumbs first riches. Like what the hell's bread crumbs out the an eight-man you don't know what's not let me go through Exactly what the terms are. I was ghosting. According to urban dictionary. Ghosting is the act of suddenly disappearing from someone that you've been dating so it's just cutting off all communication so we're we know that ghosting is the ultimate dushi move. Then we have what's called benching. Benching is when you put someone on the back burner. Okay in their absolutely no movement in the relationship going forward or going back you text send just enough to keep them around because you're getting them warmed up in case there up to bat k. So that's benching. Then there comes breadcrumbs. So this i was really curious. What's the difference between breadcrumbs and benching. Julia had this conversation last week. For like what is that. What is that difference. The difference is bred. Crumbling is a sneaky your way of benching someone where according to urban dictionary. It's act of sending out flirtatious. But noncommittal text messages ak breadcrumbs or the act of low effort attempts to just keep someone around. But here's the kicker every time this person comes around either with a text message or to a hang out it's very mixed signals. Because each time they're affectionate with their with their text messages warwick their advances. So it's really confusing because you may not hear from this person for a long time but then they come back and a act like they're love with you so this is breakfast roaming is the ultimate offense where you feel like there's hope various shaking her head of affairs like i know what sire explanation and and just because i've mentioned zombie. I'll just tell you quickly with that. S zombie is when you're in a relationship with someone they ghost on you and then come back and want to resurrect that relationship much later in life which i think is just called life. I don't know on being. In general. I feel like that happens all the time so fair. Let's go to you. Because you told us that breadcrumbs is something you experience all the time yet. So tell us about why or what's happening. You're if i knew. I wouldn't be here by what's been happening is just like you said i mean you have these men who and i think it's really typically the alpha males the men who are very Egocentric ego driven. And they really wanna put you in the beta kind of Arena so i think everything is be right back. Burner beta falls into that category of these men.

00:05:01 - 00:10:01

They're usually founders. Ceos zale you know business development type people and they think oh well it's like you said similar benching by the do they call you. Know swing hard. Darling you know. Of course i wanna see you just. It's my schedule. I can't you know it's my job and so sorry and then you go. We'll yama my friends saw you the other day. Another goal of what is going on. Here so yeah. That's kind of some of the experience so this is happening to you on a regular basis fairly regularly. I would say like every couple months of when a new guy comes in you know. They like the perceived they liked chasing lightning the alpha male naturally and like well if you like hoops. Here's a couple personnel. They're like well. You know we have a high bar. High-standard right yeah and then you okay. I think this is a guy that i really wanna invest in and as soon as i reached that point all of the sudden work its way busy. You got will will what happened here. What's going on. So yes so when you put when you put them through hoops and then you're you reach a point where you're ready to pursue something what are sore. The signals are worth some of the words. You're saying to them to show them that good question so for me. It's not so much about the words such as it is like physical affection. Not talking about the other stuff that just okay. I'm ready and just letting them know thank you. I really something that i want to pursue. I can't wait to see you so you know just getting more excited about seeing them again and then all of a sudden that's nine to busy wasn't example of someone that you've been with that like how they've come. It always inland sexual recharge. They have acts friends. Like what's kind of in your experience. All of the above you know any. It's very situation right. I'm also persian. So a hausa happens within the persian community as a small community in the bay area. So kind of like porcupines. Trying to meet allie. Otherwise you're gonna get stung so everyone and and in that respect i kinda get it like this person but i'm not sure the push pull is but outside of the community. It's you know linky. Sites is hey. How's it going. Hey guys site at this place or whatever. Excuse me the line by who is make up an excuse me back. Yeah absolutely or the last for help. Hey i know that you're really helpful with xyz. Can you help me with us and naturally Personal lifestyle my friends and people in my life. So as i heard them then it kind of builds on top of that and then also skedaddle and you know work. How wurley Any type of help. Whether it's puzzling or especially in my line of work thing. I have some significant poll when it comes to the fact like it the founders defined hanging with this on so that's happened as well have you ever breadcrumbs someone else Hopefully not usually very straightforward. I'm very much the clear cut. I like you. let's do this. And then they freak out. I don't know if this is a bay area thing because when i was in dallas this was never an issue but coming to the bay area. It's people are afraid of catching a feeling. You don't rule. Have you ever been explicit with them about how you feel. Yes so what's happen. How in in the past is so guinean me an example founder. And day he coined. This term wants friends. Cult ambiguity dates. I e those with the dom being benching goes pretty crummy hasbro. Apparently remaining games here so with the 'ambiguities because he's a founder he goes on these like interviews slash date slash. I don't know what and then he makes he. Purposefully makes it ambiguous. Don't really know what's going on here. And i didn't find out until after things happen with him but He attempted to me along with these other women and i was like no. This is just. It's not going to have his what he's trying to trying to sleep with me. And i'm just not that kind of person. And i kept shutting it out shutting it out finally said you know what i like this guy i don't need. There's something wrong with him. This is operating procedure. So i very bluntly went into mice. Look i do like human like to get to know you better. So he said okay. Let's talk so we talked about it. And he he kept talking about. How physically attractive i am and then it got to the point rice said like. Could you please stop this. Actually making me uncomfortable right now. And then he goes. I really like you But i'm not emotionally attracted to you. Wow i go attracted now. He's been my. I have friends family therapists. Who are counselors. And i brought this to them. And what does that mean.

00:10:01 - 00:15:36

I don't know what it means. Yeah back in. The day was trendy to say. You not emotionally available not name. Socially was like my emotional currency is the grantee. Yeah something like that but mostly a Emotional attract we'd never gone on a date. I tried to sleep with me. Calls is again. This is part of the community allow parties and road. Keep again a little weird and you go up stairs with you. Not becca girl. Thank you very much How could you even know me about motion. Eleven when we've gone on a date so to me that's just so an excuse to not so sorry to hear that rachel using is happening here I think that you. Unfortunately i run into string of people that are just not in the place of wanting a serious relationship but they also are not mature enough to to go about treating you the right lane having those conversations in the right way so when i was dating and i wanted to be more serious with someone i will lead by saying. Hey i wanna get to know you better. Hey we should go. Hey i was very excited about that upfront. By at some point you said you were a serial dater so when you were serious dating now you know. The definition of break from magnus. Are you guilty doing something. Like the absolutely not because as soon as i knew that i was not attracted to her in any in any capacity i would either call her and her were meet up with her until her in person. I would not do text message. I will not vanish from the face of the planet. And so i thought that at the very least you deserve the respect of knowing so why. Why do you think these men are doing this to fair. do you think also do. They're doing this to other women. To also i mean the only reason in works i mean somebody exactly exactly But at the same time. I think i really believe that for people that are extremely career focused. The often. don't make time to to interest that you often don't make time to get to know yourself and what you want and where you're at and If there's one thing. I know about founders. Especially here in the area is that they don't have time for relationship and even even in the v. season i heard speak they don't even really condone it Because from vc they want their return on investment and as a founder. That means your business is your eight zero asia relationship we had know we've had founders on the show. Josh rasmussen Came on the show and he basically his whole episode was not dateable. I don't have time today. I live in my office. My kids are my employees. I'm married to my work. And guess what has episode airs. Fifty women contacted him or like. I'm gonna change your mind. You should get a chance really right than any other guys on the show. He still gets hit up all the time. So i really think yes. Do she moved breadcrumbs. Someone but they're breadcrumbs because at worse like we were saying it works somebody. Somebody is disrespecting themselves enough to let this happen to them so we need to stop this on a very personal level. We need to individually stop people from disrespecting our time but fair. I want to ask you. What are these immediate. You're obviously attracted to men who are L. fahd they. They have their careers together. What other personalities are attracted to I would say obviously men who are more introspective slave. Not the go-to was as far as san francisco. Dating is concerned. I mean you know. I think when you ask anybody what traits are you looking for. No one's going to say. I want a guy cheats on me lied. Amies and you all those things. So i mean those things are definitely okay. Let's let's put that aside his. I want to be recycled and crying and carrying but for me. I do want a picket fence on the husband and the kids and all of those things. But at the why i like the alpha male is because i'm also very career focused and driven and i liked to support and help and actually have more partnership with someone as opposed to just being that beta that sits back and gives. Okay whatever you want you. That's not how i've been successful in my career in my life so that's attracted to to drink bed feel. That's like competing to them. Do you guys have any thoughts on that. So the thing about being an alpha is that there isn't room for someone else next to you right. You're the aquaphor reason when when when you think of in terms of of packs of dogs one of them is the only way that changes is when they fight about it and whoever wins the fight becomes the next offer right and so when you think about that in terms of people and the way we act and sort of the way we draw boundaries things it just seems like their priorities are such that running their business and being a founder focusing on your career is at the very top of that how adver i will say that as man something that i have thought and felt for very long time that i don't want to find myself in a relationship until i feel personally that i am in a place where i can support her absolute right online emails relationships end because that's not where they're at right and so here's that's an interesting point because if you look at the founders in san francisco i'm talking about men and women less not only talk about men male founders.

00:15:37 - 00:20:09

There's this idea of public alpha persona and an authentic alpha. So i think a lot of founders are fake it till you make it they have to portray a very alpha personality when they're out in public and some actually aren't real alpha's authentically about josh. He's very alpha in public setting but at home he's like. I want someone else to tell me what to do. Because i spent my entire day. Decision making decision of. I wanna come home and i don't wanna be an alpha so the i guess oppression is for farah. Are you basically attracting an attracted to these sort of public alpha figures. I think on a certain level. Yes for me. It doesn't matter like what their public persona as in terms of like their salary levels. If will has just really don't care what some people knocking on my door. I don't know But yeah i think on certain level definitely for sure. Because i've had men who were more on the beta more rape back. Come after me. And i go a honey. You can't handle me a not gonna work like you are a city card but you know i'm a crush. I will totally crushed so. I let me meet rich but i would. I would define you. I was your alpha because you do take charge your not like an overt public alpha. You don't walk into a bar and be liked you go shoulder zip at the also raked never breadcrumbs ghost them. So i think you need to find someone like him. So where do we find men like you. I guess that's a passion a brother. So when i when i was dating and i was frustrated with the quality right of the dating pool what i would do is is take that and sort of think about it and and meditate on it and i would sort of apply filters to that person and what i tried to do was get to a point and this is kind of scientific in a way as a program right. Tend to think about things like that But i i said okay for the next woman that i date. I want to take less time out if she is the one or not. Because i want because among getting any younger yeah and neither she and out of respect for everyone's time right. I want to know mayor. And so what i would like to do is afterwards take take some time to really think about that relationship and what went wrong how. I met her in a little bit more about myself like maybe i don't like women really. Who are this way. Maybe i'm not really ready to date yet because of xyz. But i you know the only way you realize those things right is when you is when you take a second to digest it and so for me i would apply these filters and then kind of look through this lens and then and then try to make those terminations sooner and unfortunately it means that you wind up going through the in as a recruiter eaten on by wages. Yeah so so. You have a lot of these conversations where it's like. Hi my name is farrow. And this is what i'm into. This is waiting for a month and get you honestly fatigued. Yeah yeah but we should work on getting these filters for you. Let's think about that right because when you from these men that you're attracted to do they tell you pretty early on that. They're not ready for relationship. Really and you ascend. They'll tell you that in ready yet. Or yadel tommy. Some form of absolutely and you know an just kind of go on that path and by the way it's it's it goes both ways. I don't really pursue. Oftentimes they pursue me willow. I clearly have a reputation of fair this way. She's looking for this so usually it's through friends of friends already now. That given the forewarning. Hey she's looking for something serious. She's very often so the already knows was almost like the challenge and that they want to like. Oh okay. well that's okay so that's interesting because rich. You said when you were dating you also felt like you also told women you ready for relationship when you weren't because at the time you didn't know you were right.

00:20:10 - 00:25:04

Yeah wanted to be exactly so these men could be well intentioned. Maybe they are looking for relationship. Then what's that next red flag that we can look for. So i think in any situation the best thing to do is to try to ask better questions. Better more pointed questions point sooner you have such as how do you see us. Interacting together as a couple of me. That's do you think that's too early. No never ready earlier on divorce. And i would say that you recently married divorced prior to that mary i thought in my mind okay that is probably deliver for many many women and so i would throw that out early because if that's not going to work for you then we should know right away again we can see each. I think it might be the like. I don't know obviously the conversation to have fully but like if you ask someone early. Say the you're looking for in the nitsana can just easily agree with you. Know get that same depth but if you ask for the details and things like your bills tell what were of sassa. Water relationship needs to that yet. That's actually that impression. When as a relationship nuccio how would you define relationship. I also love richest question. How much time do you see a spending together especially founder july. Yes how much time can you give me. And how often can i see you. I have a question. Where are you looking for because you can understand that. then you have. You can draw questions from it that sort of inform whether or not this man will work for you work with your with your idea of what a relationship is absolutely and for me. I'm not the kind of woman that's gonna just sent home hop kids and do the whole nuclear family thing. I think it's great if what you want in south thing that works for mean. I'm just to work you a person. I will love my children till the day. I die when adam. But in the meantime husband also aware about and i will be his number one cheerleader. It's okay not just a cheerleader. But actual support an actual health about something guy about relationships. His i in it to win it with my partner. Let's do their you now lot. Let's go. That's just who i am as percent and even with my friends and they'll come to the all asked for advice and i am on it as soon as i can answer the question and not the kind of percents delays. It's okay this person has seen again my life being my help. They're getting it horse given everything and then we're good so yeah let's diet was the question about romantically. How do you see yourself interacting with her future way friend. That's awesome great question. Because i mean. I've i've seen had it all right of has like you know. Let's do their metrics to nap on. Unbelievably gorgeous whatever's For me that doesn't matter as much more of a little things just appreciation and carrying. And you're just being told like. I love you and i appreciate you. Thank you thank you. I think as long way So it's probably good to bring up the five love languages you know how. How do you like to be appreciated. And how does the other person like the show their appreciation. that's also important to know. I think just asking those pointed questions in those first couple of dates. You'll really get to the bottom of this. Because i think we've talked about this. In a few episodes people think they want something. But they don't know how to articulate it. So yes they can say yes. I want this. Yes i wanna relationship. Yes i wanna family. Yes i want kids. But they can't articulate how and when they're going to get there so. I think those are the better questions to ask about the process of getting to these goals so i totally get like how you have a certain type until i understand that but have you thought about deviating type or teaching walleyes of that type. I've done it doesn't work for me. I've tried head lovely day with some lovely gentlemen but at the end of the day. I'm just. I can't be the around them. Which is i like to shis and funny you know. Just be this big personality message. Who i am. And they can't match or at least compliment. That is not gonna work. They just kind of are a little to withdraw a little too. Wallflower ish this i get that but it's me that sounds like a hearse analogy trade men like occupation. I totally get like off occupant. Yeah audit dodgers lawyers. Engineers and persian was the main three groups.

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Yeah like pronounce rolled just on. Oh no no no no. That's just the typical type. That's attracted to me. That i happen to be attracted to I'm not nearing two any one of those. Like if they don't do this or they don't and i know women who are like that go. I know a woman who said once if he didn't go to mit undergrad but he went to mit graduate school. I'm not dating him interest. I heard i've asked her women. Say that too. Yeah about the undergrad. It's so aki. I know i'm not that by any means the yes i could. You're open to grad. School is great. I can even help with de. How'd you have you need. These is exactly through friends or going out to parties I've tried online dating. And i've actually Gave cisco then boyfriend. And i online we did in london. Seth nike mouth san francisco. Some that he still significant part of my life. I love him to death and he's married with three gorgeous chelsea. His wife is lovely and she's a much better fit. It's how you know. Was that your last relationship now. So that was that was seven years ago Tell us about your last relationship. God donald that was me. I'm going okay. So let's let's go back to relationship before that and then you'll then you'll get a better sense of how i ended up where i am so Some friends of mine set me up with their cousin and he lived in. Dc sway a long distance relationship and again we had all these conversations. Okay are gonna move out there. You hear great. Megan did a photo shoot in. La as like okay. Well we get engaged. These are the photos that we're going to set all our friends and family who took the photos erica. Within four days later he was so mean to me. And i didn't know how ing on i mean it was just. It was to the degree that i i. This is something really bad Nine months later insert dating somebody else and well and eating him when my friends goes from. Hey farah on have some news for you. Go and she goes. You're xs engaged. I go you talking about. And so then. Of course i mean the fbi ain't got nothing on a woman with a plan and she's like what is going on. So i did my digging. And as it turns out he was cheating on me and i didn't know and i thought well this is a cousin of of really good friends of mine. They would know what was going on with this guy before. And so he was seeing her and He even like brought her over here. When i was having surgery time to know that i wasn't actually going to be out in ballot. Yeah i it's crazy while so yes so that so that happened. I find out and then i made a pack myself. I said okay. I'm doing this guy right now. I'm going to make this work. No matter what i can make anything work alpha female and going. I can do this. I've been conquer the world. And so i ended up having this relationship that input being out for years and it was just up and down down. Break up get back together. Jones tried everything and it just interested at work and he recently on saturday. Actually viewed before those Just blew up. My phone was could luck. Finding your beta male. And i'm like okay. You know so this recently it not and didn't it back in february okay so this year so this year i mean such a little bit and he tried to. He's been trying to tempt me to go to hawaii with him. And i'm like no. It's not a good idea. Cyber questions either theory. I wanna ask you a question. What happens when these people reappear like what is your reaction not this conscious racetrax. Not trying to be open about it. Unlike was begging you today. You know just to find the best thing to do is when you're open just you know instead of asking leading questions let that open up the conversation. Let them lead. And then i can take away the nuggets that i need to figure out. Okay what's going on here. I never aside from this guy. Never taken the guy back. It just doesn't happen at. Because i tried everything possible to make it work communicating. Cd sayings do you want to see. There be what you wanna do. When they reach out you are receptive to the absolute and then to you. Call them on In a nice way in a in a okay well you know. It didn't work out for these reasons. Are we going to address that. And then they usually refer back to making excuses and blaming it on me. And i go okay now. This is really not. This is not okay. This is a these people that just like dated a couple of times and or email or ex-boyfriends. You know guys that. I've been seriously and even yes. The records excited theory.

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'cause i think you said something really key that you will cover an alpha woman will do anything to make it work and i have been there before and like i think like the. That's when the up and down relationships. How ben and when you let people back into your life and i think that's why the break army is happening because they know subconsciously that you'll be there you'll be open to him his you want to make it work with that so i think there is like something that's like they also depends in the past. I've had happened in like certain men that think that it's like almost like a challenge like issue reply. She knocking reply. Let's see what happens. And it's coming from a place of ego. Not from a place of like genuinely i wanna get back together with this person so i think so much of its how iraq. So maybe i know it's hard to that. You want to be like if people the second chance in the benefit of the doubt. But i think if maybe if you stopped doing that and you have people broke crummy is much track. People like rich or other men not rich but then pull. That would never do this because bashes not the person iron. You'll see that you're not the personnel. Take it totally. Do you ever have a feeling about these guys. The first time around that for how he sobers tone at one time or something saturday. Look at me. This guy's not the one. And then have then reach out to you later and then sylvia receptive to it now. I mean i am usually pretty good at reading. He normally for work and stuff. But when it comes to these guys because i am even so jaded put my on wall. So it's really hard to read sometimes. Insert the yeah. I mean i hate to say it. But it's like something that i have tried to get better at is literally pruning those types of people of my life and and just getting better at setting boundaries and and either making you work harder to break through the boundary or not even given. yeah and that i would say that is electron Even outside of by food relationships is just. You know if this is who i am. These are my values. This is what it takes to be in my life. Because i have so many other things going on. And if you can't meet the base criteria your than you should just go look elsewhere. But the way i tend to communicate that is with radio silence right. I don't deserve your time. Yeah back to want to go back to. When you're first dating these guys and you you sit as a couple of times. You are a challenge to them. You put them through hoops. Explain more about what that means. So hard is what rich just say which was holding things back and not being as not that. I not open but just going okay. I'm not going to be as affectionate warm and kind and carrying a normally went when my inner circle. You need to prove yourself if you don't prove yourself. I'm just like you said like why am i even here. You know. Time is such a valuable resources. The only resource you can't buy or maker create you know it's just an irish. Sometimes you love me. Then why would. I spend time in his first year. So so that's one challenge and then the second is actually physically see me. It's you know what. I'm busy too. And i know you're busy so i need you work around my schedule. Another tactic but i use. I know that's not what it is. But the i mean it's it's okay. If you want me on you need to fit into my central. I'm not gonna fit into your schedule. So that's usually a big one with honors especially if they can't fit into my schedule and linked well probably around the time to date a tried to get to the echo. So i have a couple of things to say about that. We also have girlfriends. Who are who put men through hoops in the beginning and Present these obstacle courses of sorts and then once the guy goes through the obstacle course and they get the girl they suddenly realize. She is way too high maintenance for me. If i carry on this relationship this is gonna be waged effort. Look how much effort to for me to get here. So i'm gonna go out when you're in the mindset of me versus you you have to prove yourself to me you have to show that you you want to spend time with me. Then it puts the guy or whoever you're dating on the offense right so then instead of thinking about challenging them in the beginning what about just think about your your youtube as a team and working on could we work make this work so maybe letting go of some of those walls in the beginning and being that warm friendly affectionate person from from the get-go now you have to have standards is not that new or letting go of your standards.

00:35:02 - 00:40:08

But you're letting your true self come out earlier and being vulnerable earlier so then these guys won't feel like you're some sort of prize or trying to win because that's that's the taibbi retracting rato's actually with everything you said. I think there's two things like this guy that stat like alpha like. I wanna win this challenge. That's who's gonna actually do this. And the guy that wants relationships can say this girl's not open and move on. Yeah is that. I shouldn't have to work so heartbreaker these layers and wish you a little more genuine front with me. And i don't know of this is gonna be worth the time you know inside deadly. Be thinking as i think. That's great advice. Especially because i think much of what i was saying kind of kind of is in the same realm of this is who you are and the sooner. This person gets to see that the sooner they get to sort of know if they can see themselves. If you right and i think the more genuine you are up front to the more of of who they are get to see and likewise if they have the same barriers and same walls and stickle talk to and whitton to meet with the worth your tiny absolutely but being vulnerable in the beginning is so hard for everyone to do but it's key because when you become vulnerable the other person becomes vulnerable to and i think what happens in this in this. Modern data dating is that women have their shit together. I get it you have your shit together. You've worked really hard to get where you are. So when you dig these other men who also have their shit together. It becomes a competition of well. I have my shit together. So i'm busy all the time. So you're going to have to fit into my schedule right at may comes competitive in a way like it's almost like both parties are trying to prove something to each other. When an end of the day it's great. You have your shit together. But you're looking for a partner a partner who has best interests at heart. Not so much can i. Can i be at your level when it comes to having my life together. Of course they should have their lives together. But do they want to create a life with you. I think that's the ultimate question so being vulnerable the beginning and saying i i'm totally fine being by myself. I'm totally fine as independent woman. But i do think being relationship enhances am and i'm looking for a partner to to help me with that right and i. I have weaknesses. I ve honorable. And i'm looking for someone to complement those qualities. Let's start with rich. What are your takeaways from. This kind of wish. We have another hour to talk. Honestly though i have so many questions about the guys in their profile is you come back because i feel like just talking about how most of them were very accomplished in very career focus stand. Oftentimes don't have time to this date. I think there's something else there that that that is that were missing. That can sort of help at least get you a little more. While we from there are so many of them who who just seemed very noncommittal also like non willing to be vulnerable non willing to compromise. If you non willing to to just be honest upfront with you and the unfortunate thing that i come to learn that a lot of people arbor selfish and sometimes when you are so highly accomplished that is sometimes that is what it takes yet there yeah and and and and unfortunately were to the unit successful relationship. You need to learn to set. Egos i union compromise. You need to learn to to treat someone as an equal and think of them as much as in about yourself and it sounds like that's the kind of person you want and and as a guy in knowing many many is is hard to find those qualities because it takes so. It takes a lot to work that way if you weren't raised with those values is what i find. It literally takes someone. That's either gonna hardship and had to learn to empathize people or who has taken the time to travel so low and discover themselves right an experiment with life and figure out who they are. And i feel like when you need it was handed is. You'll know them from day one because they treat you am differently and hopefully when the time comes you can see that you are ready for that and you won't embrace it. But i think like the combination guys have taken. I guess actionable like we talked about just stated your own values like when these people come back much as you want to help them like Warrants like my own respect that like set said that boundary and then.

00:40:08 - 00:45:07

I think the right people will start to filter and more. Well also i think you need to figure out when we talk about like I've been ghosted up in breadcrumbs in benched. You have to think about. Why is this happening to me and ask so much wired people doing this to me. But what am i doing to attract these type of people who so it's about choosing the right people to begin with and fair for someone who is alpha. Who has your life in control and you take. You definitely take charge. I'm very surprised that you don't call these men out your nice about it. You're very politically correct about it. But you should say what you did to me or what you're doing to me. I'm not okay with it because you're disrespecting my time because ultimately these men are going to prey on women who let them do this right and a same for women who are coming men. I'm not saying. Only men do this. But i think people get away with it because someone's allowing them to do it so at least individually we can all take responsibility and stop it at our own individual level The other takeaway. I have is that dating is not a battle. It's not war. Can't think about going out there and and being like while Who's gonna win this challenge. And who's going to get through the hoops and you know ultimately who is going to be like the decision maker in this relationship. I think i think it's a dance. Dating is a dance and we're learning each other steps. Were learning each other's motions. And i i wish we would all come together and think about this more as like this big ball that we're going to and you're just looking for a dance partner who you can really jibe with us. You'll step on their toes every once in a while. But it's about that final dance being being like we really fit well together in in this one motion right so i think we need to stop thinking about dating as a battle in olsen and all about word. Yeah i actually would have advised everyone to take some sort of partner dance classes because you learn so much from those. It's not a when you watch. People like salsa dan's walls you. You're like oh this is just choreographed. They know exactly where to go. But most of it is freestyle. It's all based on the partners communication based on hand gestures right like a little push on the shoulder like a push on the hands. So i wish we take more of these classes. Because it's about communicating with your partner. Where you're going next. And then how are you gonna finish that move. Be good challenge for everyone. Okay question of the day. So this comes from jessica and she said that i have been in an on again off again relationship for a while now and my friends keep telling me that i need to just let it go. But i really do think it's timing. When he's been really stressed at work. It needs to get his stuff together. What are your cheeks office. Hawks guys i mean my accent. I just went through friends right girl. I japan's i think i'm in my previous relationship. My way of coping was to drink and to you know smoke and to do those things That was his coping mechanism. Whereas i prefer to communicate and i tried really really hard to get him to communicate more and he did eventually over time. Not a lot of work. So do you really want that object right. You're way easier free to save time and just go and meet all sorts of guys that are out there. This look great. Big world travel and go have fun and see what's out there if he's meant to be we'll come right back by yeah tend to echo that that as as human beings and because dating is so hard at meeting. The right person is like finding a needle in a haystack right. And so you think you have them. You really don't want to let them go especially because you don't really know what the odds are really know. Have any other people out there that you're compatible but the time and attention and energy that you dedicate to this one person is time and energy that you're not spending trying to find right right and so it's just important to be honest with yourself. Recognize the situation. You're in and know that time passing you buy and and and you could be living dating and going on doing these other things and let him figure itself out and when he gets to a point where right he is ready to give give you that even though crazy that ever is even in but you know thirty works in crazy for did senior chinese. You actually have a friend for ten years. They were like friends hooking up it tried dating and then it didn't work out in the back to hooking.

00:45:07 - 00:50:07

It was like this on again off again mess for years and we're all like lose alike right not worse and now they're married and the reason why bringing this up is not because she stuck around. She basically like i'm done like cold. Turkey like this is not happening then. He realized that his own accord what he was missing their team back. And i think that's the only way. Like sometimes i think some of it was he just need to grow up and like find different priorities and like her staying there in the wings was not going to help do that if anything like leaving. It was the only way for that. Yeah i really think again. The word is communication. It's about communicating. Your needs i think it's so easy when wing again. When you have your shit together for your friends would be like. Just leave them. You deserve better. There's plenty of men out there. I've said that to so many of my girlfriends and then now thinking back about relationships. And how how. It's magical and amazing but how difficult it is to find someone that you really get along with being relationship with. It's not something you can give up so easily but you have to communicate your needs so you need more ty you need to commute. Let your partner know. Give them a chance to explain. And tell tell you what they want out of the relationship and figure out a plan. It's about strategizing together. And we've talked to a A former divorce lawyer he said of a relationship was good. It has the potential to be great. So if there's a baseline of a good relationship then you can work on it to make a great. Yeah well. I think it's hard because in this question we don't fully know history is but i do agree like you. Don't just give up on everything they get the sign of it now working but also there's a line and like we're talking about sticking around and you're not feeling respected is never going to get there and like i personally led to believe that things have a way of working themselves. If they're meant to be. So yeah i think obviously put your best foot forward but then realized when it's time to let go to. Yeah but you have to communicate that. I communicate your needs cool welfare. Thanks so much for sharing your fred cramming with us. We haven't really talked about cramming on our show yet no lugos student but not as many people have come forward with break from some of them kind of arts may be just the term. Yeah who knows what's gonna be next year my friend put it best. He goes whatever. The term is is just a new term for saying you're being an asshole waitress is true so again. I think we have to be really responsible for our own actions before we can judge other people's actions so again guys be respectful of your time and be respectful other people's time. And if you guys have read that mark manson article like fuck yasser faulk now of you as read that is basically like this prisons. Fuck yes and that is not the person. So i think like when someone's break roaming you it's like clearly like i'm not a top priority for them. Maybe i will be in. The future knows right this minute. I'm not selling letting it be not a reflection of you've just like where they're at and that kind of like being like okay. I want someone that i am. That person for than looking at it. That way might be a good approach to yup but listeners. You guys are lucky for us. We love hearing. So you wanna be a guest on our show or just want to write in and tell us some of your ideas or if you recommend a friend to be on the show we love to hear from you and again. We have a revamped website. There's so much content on there you guys need to go to dateable podcast dot com to check it all out all right. Let's wrap this up on that note. Stay dateable all your action. Item for this week is to do a little self reflection. If you find yourself having the same thing happen to you over and over again such as people go were flaking on you really think about. What is it about you that attracts this type of behavior. It's time to shift that. Why knee mentality to. How can i change mentality. One things for sure. You can't change other people. You only have control over yourself. Also follow us on instagram. as we're about to announce details for upcoming holiday contest are handle is at dateable podcasts. If you didn't know already in our off season we launched a premium series called the white series where we dissect analyze offer solutions to some of the most common dating conundrums. We've had some great feedback. On how actionable these episodes are so. Check it out on our website under the tab. why series or you can now buy directly from items music. The most efficient way to meet new people is a combination of online and offline hundred branches has your offline covered connect over brunch with new friends.

00:50:07 - 00:50:30

Come alone or bring a buddy. There's always a table. Full of friendly faces mimosas. An eggs benedict sign up at five hundred branches dot com and use code date able for a free entry to connect with us visit dateable. Podcast dot com. You can also find us on facebook twitter and instagram. All under dateable podcasts.