S5E12: Dating with Tourette

Dateable Podcast
November 29, 2017
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November 29, 2017

S5E12: Dating with Tourette

We talk about how her ticks play into her dating/sex life, the impact on relationships, and why it’s more about understanding then stigma.

Dating with Tourette

Chelsea White talks to us about dating with Tourette syndrome and the details of this disorder beyond its media portrayal. We talk about how her ticks play into her dating/sex life, the impact on relationships, and why it’s more about understanding then stigma.

Episode Transcript

S5E12 Dating with Tourette

00:00:03 - 00:05:02

The Dateable podcast is an insider's look into modern dating that the Huffington post calls one of the top ten podcast about love and sex. On each episode, we'll talk to real daters about. From sex parties to sex droughts, date fails a diaper fetishes and first moves to first loves. I'm your host Yue Xu, former dating coach turned dating sociologists. You also hear from my co host and producer Julie Krafchick as we explored this crazy dateable world.

This episode of dateable is brought to you by five hundred brunches. Five hundred branches connect like minded people with similar interests to meet in real life brunch. You answer a questionnaire about your interest and how you spend your time. And then they'll match you in groups of sixty eight at a brench spot in san francisco. Get a free entry into brench now by signing up at five hundred brunches dot com and using the code date able everyone. Welcome to another episode of dateable a show all about modern dating. I'm so excited because today we have a remote guest which is not very often than we do on the show before her. It's worth it. Her name is chelsea white. Hey girl has would. Jerry high pitched where that came from ida shown. Let's escape boys. You know you gotta. Overconfidence like over a boat. So you just feel it on. The side of my my cat feels that he's sitting beside me and licking his butt so he really feel chelsea's calling us from new york. I'm going to give a little background about chelsea. And i have a little surprise for youtube because oh internet stocking and noam's up so now chelsea thirty five years old. She's currently in a monogamous relationship. So her bios just so impressive and kind long so stick with me everyone. She's a comedian host and a producer living in new york currently. She's the host of the web series. Show me your kitty. Pretty little liars. Podcast called cabernet and a a dating. Podcast called ghost stories and a writer and producer of the hit mtv. Show girl code now. I'm going to stop you there because my friend alana becker was show and alana is such a key is so many people that connected with that so funny she also so because of that connection because when i said that i was like oh i totally heard of your name turns out. We have eleven friends in common on facebook. Facebook bright link. We have the same agent in new york. Which is Mark turner birch off. And then the third group which is even more interesting set. Is that your friends with Our pass guest madison perry eight easter run a show together. We used to produce a show together with our third co-producer all patel canoe young comedians. Because it's both nyc. I right so so i would. I is that i. I went to college madison. We eat you stop this. Podcast offline by massive berry having like four g right now. he doesn't remember. Madison perry's was season two and it was love sex in burning man. Yes and we talked about his book. Have you read his book chelsea. I have like several copies here at. We both loved his book and thought it was hilarious. I love that. It was like from a male perspective of his journey. It was it was a great episode. So you should go back and listen to his up. He's hilarious obviously is so unknown now. We're all friends. I know so now. That's that's great tone for now. I'm not done with your bio here god. I love cats. Spent on tv shows the jazz. We talked about girl code on. Mtv tlc's what not to wear. I hope you were what to wear right. Vh1's big morning. Buzz live mtv's fucking mtv and at trl. You may have seen her jokes featured in us weekly's fashion police. Call them in your posts. One hundred and fifty best jests and comics favorite jokes and on marie-claire dot com named as a finalist in the two thousand seven comedy cellar laugh off. She's played comedy venues and festivals nationwide. Now here's some fun facts. She's a lover of wine. Snacks and john stay mos who've recently got engaged to a girl i taught house we can.

00:05:02 - 00:10:04

I swear i'm sorry outset omar. You're going to say an also. I went to college john statement and we're best friends and we're recently age but he is gift to your friends i. There's so much to unpack in what you just said first of all. I don't think. I realized he just got engaged. Which i feel. Samsung isocell devastated about it. In general. I feel devastated. Also i didn't realize that i get the news. Also how crazy that you know this girl. This is what's happened. I knew the day in new york and she Had never met john stamos but apparently they were on the same episode of One of those like ncis. But it wasn't it was like law and order but they were on the same episode longtime ago before and they connected in the last two years and now they're engaged unlike what she's marrying uncle joe a day need to cover the podcast. Maybe there so you need to get jumped in. He's beautiful He's like age like bottle. You realize wanting to episode on big age gaps in a interrelate zsa. I'll have my people call his people but speaking of our people. Let's talk about what we're really here to talk about. Which is dating terance. What says is also thank you for getting my leg. Apparently eleven page long bio that was very lovely which uses race nurses say. But why don't you talk about yourself about your history with threats okay. So yes so our trinet. I was diagnosed officially when i was like four ish My parents noticed that i was doing some chicks. Such as squeezing is shot squeezing my finger shut sort of nodding my head shaking beheaded Like stepping by now things like that and they would ask me about it in some like for three. I'm like i don't know i'm doing. These things are why are you. Not you know you're just like i don't know just what i do right Squeezing our show. I don't know to tell you. Actually i diagnosed with epilepsy mistakenly because the doctor sort of i mean you know like you said a thirty five animal old woman so this is in the eighties. And they were sending like there's going to be a doctor listening. Tell me mixing out my My name's here but like eeg. I think that's like the looking rain waves. And they're sending it but they had to send it through like stone lions to get it red at some facility within a dial out like maybe the dialing on their whatever their motive and This read the report. Diagnosed me with a-plus. So i went on at medication for being epileptic and my parents were like why is she getting so much worse than name of other doctors in one of the big trouble. That with threats is still in this. Jay which is also oprah's thing to say like it's still so misdiagnosing so underdiagnosed diagnosed because it's such a. It's a disease that can or a neurological disorder that can manifest itself so differently so many doctors still Aren't you know completely educated about due due to no fault of their own. I mean there's so many things that could go wrong with. The human body like doctors can absorb enough so much information so so basically i was finally just sort of found that one doctor that immediately said to my parents oh well your daughter's threat simple as that and once we have that we can move forward without was good to be able to put maybe more so for my parents honestly that time because i was still so young. It wasn't like i was at an age where i felt like i needed to put a name to it. It just it wasn't that severe and so fortunate that i've always had sort of a moderate middle of the road case of schratt all my life and Parents were always supportive of like if it ever gets worse surf. You feel like you do. Medication will always added dialogue about it. I was subsequently giving you like a whole like stem menards ravanelli. Because i think it's sort of necessary. Because when i read your bio chelsea i kinda thought to myself. What do i know about toronto. I actually paying because toronto disorder is one of those things that's been sort of commercialized in media. You know if you think about it. It's it's very They talked about it in films but in a very negative way or in a very humorous way.

00:10:04 - 00:15:07

But it's not a disorder that we know much about scientifically and i guess i don't personally knowing but who has who. I would be obvious for me that they have like you mentioned. I'd love to hear a little more about this. There's definitely extremes of it. And i think in movies like play up like b max extreme completely. I mean in exactly like you said you hit the nail that had like. It's it's such a misrepresentative misunderstood in in stereotyped stigmatized disorder. That i guess to some extent. Of course it is because it's still a sort of like i mentioned like under diagnosed and sort of hard to end sometimes identify and the some of the symptoms of it and the way it manifest itself in people is very interesting in unique surprising. Being what. I'm sure you're referring to in the stigma of it is always crazy. Swearing sees right like when you hear Any anything about it. In ninety nine percent of the time is that own his own people. Just like it's the crazy you just swear And i always easy to do the jerk on stage about like when i was little editor would realize that was the stereotype of it so when i heard someone say that sorta make a joke like oh my god i couldn't stop swearing something. I'm like doing it wrong week. I don't get it is waitress on. How the heck of it yet. But like i said. I gotta work on my event. Yeah i mean having the tick of swearing or saying inappropriate. Things is called cobra and it is one very specific way that threat manifested softens people. And it's more or less about roughly ten percent of people have cabrera sometimes echolalia which is like a repeating words. The say are having to repeat award multiple times. So things like that are more uncommon. But of course anyone can understand why it's going to be the most sensationalized and not to also stigmatize or devalued people who do have that that type of tram. I mean it's it's a very serious form of the world series to the people who have it because of course it's not acceptable designed to just exceed finally charged. You know so. I feel like a so the stereo. Typical of view that i would have to rot is vocal aspect of it wearing like you're saying but remember when i was when i first moved to the states from china i was an esl classes and my teacher. Now i think about it definitely had threat. She had this clinch on her left. Lower left jaw and whenever she spoke every like two or three seconds she would clinch her left jaw. But i thought that's how american spoke english so i picked up her tick like i was speak english with this jaw tech because i thought it was normal. I really thought that's how people spoke and stilted it until the day. Sometimes it comes back. Because i kind of picked it up but i think it's interesting to me that there are these nonverbal actions. These takes that you're talking about but at what point do you just have a nervous. Hick versus That is a great question also sidebar. It's funny one of the things that a lotta people attract experience is you can quote unquote catch a tick from somebody like if you notice somebody else doing And john clinching is one of my checks so even as he was screaming. That i can't see you guys on skype. But you can see me on skype. And i was able like unconsciously doing oh clutching my job because he said but most everybody has some sort of check either motortec meeting like you're saying like movement everybody some halogen fingers. Is you know your job or even vocal tics even just sitting like all the time in a way. Sort of a version of vocal tic right like is this sort of involuntary grade thing but the sort of loose definition of being fishery diagnosed with threat is having both motor and vocal tics present to the point where it is impacting her life. It is sort of like a loose definition. Everybody again like at manifest itself so differently it everybody lot. You can have just a tic disorder. You can be diagnosed with just a tip disorder that being toronto which is of some some motorists were getting into the minutia and your listeners. At tune into your budgeting are really in iraq dating. But i just have so many questions because i just you know. So it's inherited is that right is a genetic disorder from what Little is still known about. The recently made some breakthroughs in sort of narrowing down like it's this mutation of this gene or whatever but yeah it's a genetic inherited thing i don't.

00:15:07 - 00:20:01

I know that i have a cousin a few times. Religion has a fairly severe form of A couple of times at like large family reunions. You know that you have like ten years by sister has like maybe a handful of just sort of checks that are in no way consequential. More life and My mom has ocd. Which i also cd. Ocd threat are on the same spectrum in the same family of neurological imbalanced so as as autism as executive dysfunction as xie adhd. There's also this of his family what they call co morbid ads. Which means light just to exist in you know chemical imbalances at once. Every time you have threat you have the which also makes it so tricky to diagnose because it's gonna by doing this because it's intimate i don't even know like sometimes because of my ocd and i'll have rituals and be like literally have a member or like why you that we read. That i thought was interesting that it was most early Syndrome separately for men initially considered hysteria when present in women in the early nineteenth century. Now i think that stacey yeah. The man has been diagnosed. In the women disgracing well. That's that's right there about sexism. Our cheesy i. I actually didn't honestly know that about specific. I knew that it was more. It is more diagnosed or more men and were often how trip. I didn't realize about that. that's interesting and currently about two hundred thousand. Americans have severe turrets but milder symptoms appear in one in one hundred people. So yeah i'm starting to. I may have a mild form of it or just your yes. L. teach many. How are you currently treating your Is interesting actually been so much worse than it's ever been in the past maybe six months to a year and i don't know that's the nature of threat kind of waxes and wanes and sometimes you can peg it to like stress or alleged change and sometimes it sort of is just you know seemingly out of nowhere which i think is sort of what is happening right now but so i have never chip Formerly treated i guess. I never got dressed in a tuxedo inch i. Sometimes you know. When i was younger i kind of went to a psychologist and a psychiatrist for while just because my pants were like. Let's try this out. I was. I just don't think it's that big a deal. I was just always sort of able to manage it on my own in ways of finding stress relief because it is it is pest and a lot of ways to like i just. I love to run iran. Mike well listen as if you want me to be honest. I've been really. I mean that made you right now. This is the therapy session. I really. I haven't been working out as much as i used to. In the past year and a half or so. And so there you go. That's probably why that out as confessions with working in a lot of talk about dating chelsea. You're in a relationship right now wing. Young were single. Is this something that you would disclose right away. So this is where. I wish. I feel like i've like fold you guys in having me on this podcast and i wish i had some juicy story where i'm like migrating. Life was so fucked up because much read but if anything it's been sort of i mean it's just the way my brain is like i don't have any other brain to know it's just sort of so me it's not necessarily weird or you know obviously understand how could be a weird thing for somebody else so from me. I feel like jd with charette. And the way i read feel having threat you know so to speak the big reveal Is a way for me to sort of gauge someone else's character that something citizens sitting at a lab. I mean it's sorta make sense. I guess what we were talking about earlier. There is like a media perception like what was the reaction. Was there like general themes of people's responses so I again. I wish for dramatic effect. I could say that like someone punched in the face once or something. Why you've had that experience so late so i could be threat to like budget like new like all. We got We got. I think it's i've never had anybody juice lead to the point where it's been this outrageous. What are they thinking. I can't believe that they said that. But you can definitely put people the categorize awake.

00:20:01 - 00:25:14

You can tell when it makes them uncomfortable just because they're that type of person that has to make fun of something or have a reaction or they feel uncomfortable so they they say something that makes you feel uncomfortable because they just don't know how to be a person. Do you know what i mean like. You said some. it doesn't know how to just absorbed. They feel like they have to make like. I mean anytime of mentioned that if it's a first date or whenever dating somebody where they automatically bring up the stereotype not the way of like. Oh you know what that's interesting. I don't know a lot about a lot about that. All in this bitch Bees that may or may not be true. Tell me about it. That would be a fine bonds but the people who are sort of like oh so are walking around wearing all the time. It's obviously you can tell exactly and so it's just sort of also. I thought i was having a stroke because one of the light bulbs in my overhead light just out and it flashed before my eyes. And i was like. Is this the end of my life. If you don't have epilepsy wait for that. What's happening with chelsea other hand. What what in what way does affect your dating life. Sure so. I mean i if anything i think it does. Allow me to sort of get a judge. Someone's character it right away. You can kind tell the type of person ers if they're only one to sort of make jokes about it. That's fine if people want to make jokes about something that's uncomfortable and that's your personality. That's not a personality. The jobs of mine. I wouldn't be able to have just an honest open conversation with it but if anything it's sort of connected me to people in some way so you know. I've had several chances where people have. Just it's been a conversation starter where people have said like. Oh my god you know. My brother has had a co worker threads tada or even similar to what you were like. Sometimes i had drag. Because i had this experience or this whatever my my one of my exes i in a weird way got together because of my threat because i used to run a show in new york city called calls crazy that i produced with a friend of mine. Morgenstern who has Ocd and with the idea for the show was. Let's book are comedian friends. Who have a diagnosis Order be it you know even just an addiction. An eating disorder depression. Whatever it might be and do your material about it and then we had as podcast for a while too but so My axe is also comedian. He and i were booked on a show together. He introduced himself to me. It was like i heard about your show. I have ocd. I'd love to do it and then we kind of start. Having conversation and then we ended up dating so that was sort of any like takes the came out spike specifically on dates. Like because it's a new environment or whatnot. We'll here's the funny thing in a lot of people that have threat. I think have a similar experience where it's like if your brain is really preoccupied with So a lot of people have experienced that if you're engaged in something that you're very passionate about so for me. I don't do standup as much anymore. But when i did or you know. I do a lot of posting sept allied coast to my podcast webster's whatever when you're performing doing your thing. The ticks kind of subside. It just of your brain for a while because you're so laser focused on that thing that you're doing you know what i mean. Are people like if you're dancer imposition. Whatever like you don't you just notice you're not taking while you're dancing. You're not taking while you're playing the piano. Whatever and so. I think shading in a way is in that same box of leg. You're sorta performing you know. I wouldn't hashem patty personally passionate about. I mean it sort of a nightmare a lot of ways but you are in that performing mode in a way you know what i mean like. You're sort of trying to be the best version of yourself or you're trying to you're focused on in a way performing as yourself a often will the ticks won't come out until it gets a little further down the road. That's why a lot of times i will. And i don't force it by any means but if it's first second date very early on if you know i will just by ticks have been apparent in any way just in interest of sort of bringing up things about myself and i don't necessarily not that i wouldn't i guess just say like oh also and a half threat but a lot of times i'll bring it up in a way where it's his conversational like what you have going on this week. Or what were you doing this week. Lay pro-united meeting last night. Oh it was meeting for a while. I'm on the board of the national associations local new york city chapter on wise atra Kind of even in that way and talk about the ways that involved with that organization like that We've talked to you for about half an hour now.

00:25:14 - 00:30:03

And i haven't noticed any techs. I mean i guess. I'm like what am i missing something here. I can't. I was even going to say sort of like since i am. I guess aware you guys see me. You know what. I'm sort of tuning set. Well listen i guess the other thing that's interesting about And i am sure that another person will threat was also this conversation with me. They could very well have a different experience. Our opinion which is what trump is just such a weird interesting neurological disorder. That different people can have experience in different ways but a lot of people think tried as being completely involuntary as if like legacy knees or something but for me. And i'd say it for a lot of people not everyone depending again on the severity of which you know you have it. It's more of like an edge. It's like so my urge to make a movement with my body or make a vocals asia and is similar to like if foot edge so for a while you can ignore it but eventually sometimes might subside. In sometimes it is just might get more annoying. Avoid like fuck it. I just scratch it like. It's socially unacceptable to scratch right now at the. Take my foot off my jellies. You take my life never scratched we take your shoes off or whatever you know. That's where you're just like people think like why would you do so. The chick is an involuntary. If you're choosing to do it but you know it would be socially unacceptable or disruptive reversing or whatever but it's just the urges so overwhelming at a certain i gotta fucking scratching I don't care until you find ways to just sort camouflage where if you like. I have to make a weird noise of my throat. Maybe all kind of pretend it's like a cough or its participle associated see. You didn't tell some exactly was looking for more laser focus on you. Tell someone on a d like with the even. Be aware of fish with the fidgety. Or something i think for me. Of course other people was more severe form of it would have a different experience of course but like for me i think mine is most of the time. Moderate enough to where i'm able to control slash. Camouflage it in that it would seem like it was just part of normal like Juicing weird is will always pretend like moving by bangs and distracts them and so it's a combination of being able to control it for that short time slash camouflage it you know or also even you wait till they go to the bathroom for a second ride tabatha and kicks out you know. It's like that sort of dance. And so i would say for me personally. I don't think people would notice it. But of course i know lots of people dating should have it. You know more severely where they can't they don't have the ability in the luxury to control the same way that i can control it. Sounds like i'm talking like partisan superpower like i can control my powers. It's a spoke of yes. Severity definitely spectrum. What about in the bedroom. I was going to have that. I mean i would say. It's a similar edition nation of what i've stoke Just doing the sex. That how the kids in disturbing the sides. I'm sort of focused on that. And i don't think as much about it but a hundred especially i have sort of like i'm trying to think specifically this you agree. I wish you'd like shona friend lifestyle and my boyfriend. Now i'd be like have like what is she doing handle so i can. I ain't goin'. I'm gonna calmer down. However answering is probably. He goes to bed at like nine thirty at night. Like eighty ask like six months earlier than me speaker. He'll never we'll do While i think. I do some very biddable like maybe i will make some sense or like a half a thing where. I'm always like sort of nodding. My head is a check so that one doesn't seem weird adventure. Yeah like she's like. No no no but i'm not sure her consent. Yup over and over again you definitely. Maybe he'll call us back.

00:30:03 - 00:35:04

Though and the time we can get the deal from him again we can email him individual who. I'll definitely follow up with you guys. That's a great question. I would love to answer. So i guess what was speaking of your boyfriend. What was his reaction to all this for him. We were dating for about a month. This is like a more unusual situations like. I said i feel like. I don't even try like its first conversation as it's a article i am. I feel like it usually comes up organically fairly early but with him we dating for about a month and then it was kind of right before the time where we were like. Oh we're only date each other like were whatever of quote unquote officially were going steady. And i realized we haven't really talked about it. Which was i mean again. It's not something that i feel like as as big reveal like i mean whatever but i just remember thinking like oh. That's really funny that it hasn't come up organically or that at this point i felt like you know i feel comfortable around people. I guess fairly quickly to at least not be going full out technology. But i'm not like hiding it as much to the point where he hasn't even asked me anything maybe as noticed but i have a housing that come up and then we were laying in my room one day getting ready to like get up and go to branch and something that now. I can't even remember how it came up. I think i did say something to wear. I felt like. I've been taking that day and i was like. Oh you know just so you know you thought it was weird that is doing xyz now. We haven't really talked about. It is like oh yeah. He's like glad you brought that up. Because i'm gonna second date like i was definitely internet stalking. You saw youtube videos about having read but he was like. I didn't know if i should ask. Because i thought like yeah result Talking about like that's your story to tell whatever you want you. But i thought that was funny so he likes noodles is just waiting for bringing up. I think it brings up a point. Leagues disclosed this stuff. Because i feel like there's one side like you don't want to hide it too long who feels. Like misleading then other sided like. We're saying we were like looking for it because you know in like is it better to like get to know someone a little before like necessarily saying or does it not even matter because it's not even a big deal like i guess. What are your thoughts. I mean i think it depends on of course since i have the luxury of maybe not having to disclose it input on my cards on the table that just because i can control it a little bit more than maybe the next person i guess i don't think whereas i guess what i'm saying. Is someone else who doesn't have that choice. Some people don't have a choice whether or not just close it because it's obvious and the people like me. I guess that do have sort of a choice. I don't know that is interesting. Do i think it's misleading. I guess it's just to the way. I guess i would think of it as maybe misleading or like. Is it weird. When you've crossed the threshold to wear why you brought it up yet would just be that. It is a part of who you are. And there's a certain extent where he breaches certain amount of intimacy where i think a type of reveal. That would be like what's so weird by what you told me that before because it is such a part of who you are. Do you know what i mean. I'm trying to think of another example like it'd be the same thing if you're well i think of like it you know it's like we got had been dating you for three months No you have a twin. It's one of those applicable doesn't necessarily matter but it's just like obviously affect your relationship. But i think about some of the more mainstream disorder like ocd adhd. I feel like people joke about that on sometimes on their dating profiles i'm borderline. Ocd or i definitely have h eighty. People don't have and those but normally people who don't have it. It's almost like they're suing your thunder in a way. You really do have it. You don't allow it would try to pretend so. I guess it's like to a point of you know if you really did have. Ocd or adhd. when would you reveal that. Or disclose that. If i'm putting myself in the other person's shoes like if i were dating someone pretty new relationship and they had. Ocd like diagnosed ocd win. Would i want to know. I guess it's not. I wouldn't really care when it was like you said it like chelsea like i think it's like building the intimacy with someone. It's hard to give a hard fast role of date. One day ten. Like i think it all depends on. How much reveal about yourself in general like sometimes you reveal a lot about yourself and sometimes you don't.

00:35:04 - 00:40:11

Yeah yeah if threat is more of a outward sort of you know like if you think about because ocd is more inward utah. Do it on. You had these rituals you do. Adhd is something that you can pretty much surprise or like manage but terrell. I guess we have the stereotype. That toronto is outward. And it's uncontrollable. So i guess it does make sense to reveal and disclose earlier josh to set some of those myths at ease and say something that i'm just gonna like you know explode and say some roy embarrassed us in public or something like that totally and to manage exactly just like giving the person that easily. Hey if you're wondering why i'm doing this. You know socially strange thing or you know what i mean like the actually unacceptable or like in what we consider whatever normal or not normal as thing saying like this is how to contextualize you now. But you're right it's like a now we'd get into the nuance of leg is a of course. Threat affects is part of who i am and it does to some extent shape way personality for sure i would like to think in some ways giving me more sense of empathy. And in the way of i have to explain. Sometimes i guess the main way if anything. This is probably the way affects relationships with not. Just you know way friends. Romantic relationships friendships More so than just the leg people getting annoyed with me for making weird noises which i always feel compelled to apologize for his. I feel like. I'm like how does not annoy will be like angelilli. Don't even notice. Like i don't know just where he is really. This is this. You know my go got him nine but it's such dislike. I was described as a low just like a low rumble as a concept current in my brain like all these things firing like do this motion the staying like make this noise. That always kinda trying to manage that sometimes. Other things will overwhelm me. It's sort of like my cap is always like bubbling up in my mind that make sense it so little. External factors Me over more than i would say again. Like the quote average person like i could just feel very overwhelmed by an little things because i feel sort of like already sort of overwhelmed in my brain if that makes sense and also some have trouble and this is where like the adhd and things going hand in hand which is like what is the chicken. What's aid Sometimes i wonder if i just never been diagnosed with some sort of attention just order because i will lose attention and things will get lost on me and i don't even know it's that i really have attention disorder or is it just because there's always so much going on my brain that a managing of like the neurons being like do this check to this thing that i'm like i have trouble sometimes. Completely focusing are being present with other people that were anything. I would say the thing that i do have to talk to people about our felt compelled to be leg. Why this is happening. This is why dynamic. Is this way. Or i'm not not paying attention to you or i'm not upset with you. I feel overwhelmed about you. Know what i mean. What impresses me about you chelsea is that you're so informative about about toronto and also you really embrace it. I almost feel like you're an advocate. Right you and i think that's really helpful for who may be in the same situation. Is that instead of trying to even hiding instead of kind of brushing aside you fully embrace you. You did your research you know all the big words that are so. A doctors assigned his father. They're like you mispronounced. Because it shows you're not trying to hide it you care and also you you've fully ingrained it into a part of who you are that it's just part of chelsea white. I mean there's this is who you are. So linking other advice would you give to people who may be in similar situations or have similar disorders. will i take Very nice of you like just leaning into it as much as you can. Everyone's on their own journey and everyone justice on their own timeframe it has their own way like never tried to tell somebody else how to deal with their feel about whatever it is. They're going through which we will do right like i always talk about we. Everyone is dealing with something that makes them feel weird or strange or different or comfortable or insecure whether it is something sort of like diagnosis while in this way to just like you've always felt weird about the shape of your nose you know it's like everybody has some when dating that they feel insecure about revealing whatever dating as being weird vulnerable insecure and buffet but Yeah just for me.

00:40:11 - 00:45:08

What is work is just leaning into it as much as possible. And i i appreciate. It means a lot to me that you know you said you feel like an advocate for her. Because that's what i hope to be in. I really i. I sympathize epa people that have spoken to that. Maybe didn't have a name to put what they're going through into batch later in life like i didn't realize how fortunate in religion i was to be able to put a name to what is was going through at such an early age. You know what. I mean Also just looking into resources in your community. I mean like. I mentioned that will there's specifically portray the national of tra association. America is obviously great resource in the chapters all across the united states. I'm a board member of the local new york city chapter. So even if you don't have a chapter in your area you know you can look into those lots of resources that they can do online. The national suspicion again a. We're kind of fortunate to be in an age right now. Where more than ever. There is sort of the censorship to say. But i like to joke in when i had my podcast Mental health mental health in some ways is having a moment really. Ask me feeling gray. Said elected the yeah. What about her partners like. What about if you're dating someone. That has a mental health disorder. What would your advice be for them. I think if you're the one that is interested in relationship with somebody with with any pattern neurological or mental disorder. How that's such a tricky it again like. It's so hard ever a situation nuanced and so individual. But i think it's a balance of following their lead. I think arrow. Most people are pretty intuitive right. Like if you sort of lean into your intuition you can sense if the partner of your partner is dealing with. Something is dealing with it. You know what. I mean like it. Are they dealing with it. And do they have a handle on it. In that sense can follow their lead. Just be supportive. Just listen and ask them what you can do and then in the other sense. I think it's really hard to be in the position of that percents that it might feel uncomfortable to approach. You know even someone you've been in a long term relationship with and say like. Hey i noticed. Xyz going on. Do you wanna talk about it. You know what what not just like reading like some of the resources you may not like. Is that helpful to like an idea of. What's maybe going there. Or i mean i guess the downside of the google and just get lakes a worse while hundred percent all the misinformation. Yeah i mean. I like in that instance again like your partner going through whatever here. She's going through the best resource i think. Just sometimes i love like i think sometimes people do feel cantillon comfortable asking questions because they feel like. I don't want to be rude. But i i mean of course again. Someone's being like lips. Weird why i mean you can obviously just a thoughtful question in there. But i love when somebody asks me like. Oh who was feel that's happening or you know what what do you think about in this way exactly. Actually what we're doing now. Like i think asking questions mix other jio leg. You know whatever validated and cared about. So i think Germs reading and stuff like that. It's just like your partner is the best resource and then asking them. Also would what would you recommend like things. I could run or what but then there is also just the other side of like if you feel like they're not accepting recognizing what it is they're dealing with being able to be strong enough to say like. Hey i think would. Should we both go to like a therapist should we. Both you know what i mean. In helping them navigate that to some extent you know. I think what really stuck with me when you were describing the footage and i think that comes with asking the right questions as a partner. Explain it in a way that i would understand right. What would i find relatable and when you explain the foot. I think like that holy. Just did it for me because i get. It's like you can't control and you can't suppress it but sometimes it feels so fucking good. Just leave it. And if i were a partner and i heard this it would help me be more empathetic towards the nation. I think i'll i've had this scenario happened to me before. I totally get it now any other takeaways that we can think of from chelsea story. I think for me. I mean just going from going to general dating. We all have these ticks. Whether they're you know medical takes or they're not we all takes in our lives at we've been coping with we've been dealing with We have these behaviors.

00:45:08 - 00:50:03

We have patterns that we do and one of the ways. Is you know by being with someone a new partner or a partner in general. This is a stranger that you are just now meeting and all of a sudden you're creating a life together. Obviously they don't know everything that have these pre existing conditions you may have and they may bring out these insecurities out of you out intentionally and i think it goes back to that communication of saying like one. I recognize that this is This is something. I've been coping with my whole life. But i realized i need to educate you on what i done. Yup going through and to. I think it's about creating that empathy towards each other. Your partner has equally as extreme situations. That may not be that exact same diagnosis. But at least you can. You can create that open dialogue. Absolutely i think my takeaways like the what you said about just like how this maybe makes you not as present or has like other facts. That aren't necessarily would even think of like. I just were empathy for people in general. I think sometimes were quick to judge people on deeds. Don't really know what's going on with them so just being like. Oh they were like zoned out for a minute. There might not find me interesting setting back and be like there could have been one hundred reasons like why that happened. Like that's a great way up completely equa if that just happened on a date. I think there's nothing wrong with bring that to light. You know i realized that you're a little bit distracted as something else on your mind. Right talk about it is going home and judging total yourself like i can't believe that we're dismissing them. Being like other someone else on tinder and seeing them. Everyone has her own journey that they're going through. It doesn't hurt us to just say something nine times out of ten near narrative that you create your mind is going to be so much more severe than the actual reality you know right absolutely absolutely. Yeah and i think like the asking. The questions is a big one like we talked about like to your point just there like thinking about the most severe situation versus what the reality but then also it does help with the connection to because like if you ask inquisitive questions than closer in a situation like this too and so on that note i do have a question for terrell or children's on show us. Oh it's i mean i'm confused. I feel like it definitely. It was named after. I think the scientists that like discovered or like whatever so it was. His name was read so is toronto like possessive. Jurat opposed to be asked and then over the course of time. I feel i get started to be like more officially like the threat association like they just did you like charette and then for the recently like we're dropping the syndrome. It's tuesday matic. That i'm always like will too late like already yet. Earn considerate So check late ingrate now. From a official perspective it is It'd be mad if he say her but it doesn't hurt to ask the exact yes. I appreciate the question in pursuit. Signed by other go. I was like the earlier you said. It's almost like a filtering system to see how some things like. I think like you were saying it doesn't have to be a health thing. It could be not body edge. It could be like grew knows whatever may be ac could be thousand different things but like if someone just like makes jokes in doesn't like try to get to know you for you then. It says a lot about the other person as much as whatever you're going exactly that we're all revealing. Were all revealing some multitude of things. At some point you know so. Yes is my end after we finish podcasts. You're going to reveal to us. Your texas badger burstow going to get to recall. That half down be like was what what's happening. Why did you call me twenty times girls. Just wanna know. We're going to wrap this up chelsea. I know you have a dating. Podcast called ghost stories which is like scary. Heating stories told by real people. What's a just very quickly one. Where can people here your podcasts and chew what's a recent really scary story that was told on the show. Yes you can check it out. Go to stories. Podcasts dot com. But i mean look at ghost stories on whatever your podcast listening device your favorite is and oh my goodness.

00:50:03 - 00:52:51

We had one very recently A guy that acted like The girl in him were in a three year long term relationship after a handful of dates and then go fake. He got over well. We'll never know you'll never make know. We can probably find him. Ask him but the call him after boyfriend. Get a list out and so people want to reach out to you. How can they find you. Yes please. I am the chelsea white on like all social media platforms. Not because i'm an asshole. But there's some other woman in england already. That is like some bottle and cheery took all the just shall see why. It's so i'm that shows you only get the andreas. yes fantastic. Well thanks so much chelsea when you're in san francisco december lettuce no and hopefully won't connect you with some of our listeners. And some previous guests. Yeah seems thank you awesome. Go that off. I stay your action. Item for this week is to stop and think about the journeys that other people may be on. Everyone's on their personal journey. You have no idea what's going on in their life so let's exercise empathy and asked lots of questions be curious. Science already shows the more questions you ask someone the closer you will feel to them. Also follow us on instagram as we're about to announce the details for upcoming holiday contests are handle is at dateable podcast. If you didn't know already in our off season we launched a premium series called the white series where we dissect analyze and offer solutions to some of the most common dating conundrums. We've had some great feedback. On how actionable these episodes are so. Check it out on our website under the tab. why series or you can buy directly from items music. The most efficient way to meet new people is a combination of and offline. Five hundred branches has your offline covered connect over brunch with new friends. Come alone or bring a buddy. There's always a table. Full of friendly faces mimosas and eggs benedict sign up at five hundred branches dot com and use the code date able for free entry to connect with us visit dateable. Podcasts dot com. You can also find us on facebook twitter and instagram. All under dateable podcasts.

Dateable Podcast
Yue Xu & Julie Krafchick

Is monogamy dead? Are we expecting too much of Tinder? Do Millennials even want to find love? Get all the answers and more with Dateable, an insider’s look into modern dating that the HuffPost calls one of the ‘Top 10 podcasts about love and sex’. Listen in as Yue Xu and Julie Krafchick talk with real daters about everything from sex parties to sex droughts, date fails to diaper fetishes, and first moves to first loves. Whether you’re looking to DTR or DTF, you’ll have moments of “OMG-that-also-happened-to-me” to “I-never-thought-of-it-that-way-before.” Tune in every Wednesday to challenge the way you date in this crazy Dateable world.