S5E14: Three's Company

Dateable Podcast
December 12, 2017
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December 12, 2017

S5E14: Three's Company

We discuss what this actually means, the dynamics between the three of them, the logistics of dates and events, and of course what goes down in the bedroom.

Three's Company

Jupiter, Dylan, and Sean share with us their experience being in a triad relationship. We discuss what this actually means, the dynamics between the three of them, the logistics of dates and events, and of course what goes down in the bedroom.

Episode Transcript

S5E14 Threes Company

00:00:03 - 00:05:02

The Dateable podcast is an insider's look into modern dating that the Huffington post calls one of the top ten podcast about love and sex. On each episode, we'll talk to real daters about. From sex parties to sex droughts, date fails a diaper fetishes and first moves to first loves. I'm your host Yue Xu, former dating coach turned dating sociologists. You also hear from my co host and producer Julie Krafchick as we explored this crazy dateable world.

This episode of dateable is brought to you by five hundred brunches five hundred branches next like minded people with similar interests in real life over brunch. You answer quick about your interest and how you spend your time. And then they'll match you in small groups of sixty eight at brench spot in san francisco. Get a free entry into brench now. By signing up at five hundred branches dot com and using the code date able. Hey everyone welcome to another episode of dateable a show all about modern dating and i believe that it doesn't get any more modern than the topic today. So i have three guests with schumpeter. Dylan and sean jupiter and dylan are with me in the studio and we have sean on the phone. If you guys want to give a quick hello thank you for inviting us to your lovely appointed doja. We're pretty excited would be a word but also intrigued this sort of non traditional relationship and we've had people talk about open relationships polly ameri but you three are the first to talk about this idea of triad relationship which julian i thought were called. Tripod relationship kuechley caught on keeps coming up because gang of source so it's pretty much put show syndicate organized crime. Throw around our guest sean. Here has been in san francisco for twelve years originally from ventura city. He's in his early thirties and he says he's engaged in many poly relationships. Jupiter is originally from the bay area. And she's been in san francisco specifically for one half years. She's in her mid twenty s and she's in a v-shaped triad. We're gonna talk about this v-shape it we're going to get to that currently intimate other multiple palmer's release. Okay okay awesome. I didn't know there were other shapes of relationship. So i want to those. And the ends and the z's and dylan dylan here is he's been in san francisco for fourteen years. But you're originally from san francisco have already been here for for longer than that. But i'm not fourteen years old. I took a A kind of a long break from the bay area. I did some traveling in the uk. south east asia south america and just kind of farting around for wealth. And i recently came back about two and a half years ago. Come all closer. We want. I never been to that word you but i will say this close together but a word. Ironically this is about the furthest we getting. Yeah everybody dylan's age. He's twenty nine and he's openly exploring other relationships okay so we're talking about a triad relationship. What does that mean. Who wants to find that for us. I'm gonna divert you ago. Because i i'm a little bit of polly lexicon Because i do a lot of polly events and i love this stuff so triad pretty much means three people in some sort of relationship engagement. There's different shapes like people. I think traditionally think of it as being like a triangle where all the points connect try can really be a lot of different other things and we happen to have been in a v-shaped. It's the there's a pivot point person. And so that pivot point person was me like i was in relationship with sean and then i met donna. We also became a relationship and the difference between just like a normal like ending to people. Is we actually. The three of us did have a close relationship. Just sean dillon weren't dating each other. And though i would say that it was we'll get into this more but like though it wasn't like a sexual relationship their bromance there for sure it was hyper ruben. Instead of fucking hi-fi ballade wall. Okay backup before we get to the fucking talk about how we got there. Which is you and sean dating.

00:05:02 - 00:10:05

I how did you guys meet traveled in the fame circles. Close relationship open circle in san francisco until we knew of each other for some time. And i think we. I had a little bit of a spark fly at a school that we went to together Lightning in a bottle and we have been coming out of relationships where we were intentionally paulie in those relationships but i think partners were as fully on board with being 'ali and create a little bit of a strain in our relationships where we wanted to allow partnered have complete freedom. We wanted our partner to allow us to have complete freedom. But i think we hadn't experienced really what like a holy true non higher pollick could be and when we met each other. We saw that each other had the same intention that we that we saw that we chat on shelves and we also attracted to each other. It was just like the perfect foundation for Experimenting with like really well thought out our relationship and like from the ground up us meeting each other item is being very building a relationship and then jupiter. How long were you guys dating for. You met dylan. So i guess we'd been dating. I think right around six months or like five and a half six months was when i first met dylan and then how did you guys meet jupiter. I met at a play party Here in san sex party for those. Who are ben and kate. Sex was one of batting cage. Yeah then cake all back. But i was there with sean sean and i were both at that party. Okay i was gonna say loosley initiated in the sort of play party scene in We before we met ahead of several mutual friends. I was pretty uninitiated with the dynamics of colliery and how those sort of open relationships functioned especially in sort of play party environment and so jubran hit off the started up and then like sean walked in and i was like shit. I'm in deep trouble right now. But he was a fine. I was like oh. That's really cool. I guess in kind of a very basic crude way. Kind of kicked off a series of Like discoveries for me about what. I wanted In dynamics sexual partners what. I wanted in relationships end You know how. I just sort of wanted to treating general so that was definitely a door. Knock down so jupiter win you sean are in this relationship. Where you guys labeling each other as like boyfriend girlfriend or primaries what was it so we were using the terms partner at the time. We are both using the terms boyfriend and girlfriend also. Frosty were very interchangeable I don't always use those terms as interchangeably like i don't think donut. I ever referred to each other as boyfriend and girlfriend ever call each other partners That was like a specific choice. We made that Right for rs. With dillon with sean. And i was like what my wife from your partner. Whenever a we don't we both shot subscribe to and don't also a all subscribe to non hierarchical polly emery which specifically eliminates things like primary secondary things that stem that like rates. Implicit like someone has status. That is fixed or like takes priority over anyone else's so we didn't ever give anything like that which was part of kind of honestly. What made space for dylan to come into. My life was the fact that we didn't have the i believe actually on my first day. He's like so like shawn's like your primary was like woah. While i don't do that wet my whole he was like smoothing a little bit. So if you sh- so dylan. Sean did not have a sexual relationship cracked right okay. So what is the difference than new. Explain this a little further of what makes you guys a triad between the three of you versus just you being partners with the two of them. Yeah so for me. Like i feel like sexuality is only one aspect of connection relationships. And i would almost say dylan sean. Between them pretty much every they love each other. Okay doors although gloves me. What do you think initially sure doing. appeared in in in in the seeing among jupiter. And i would how affect you in my relationship and initially.

00:10:05 - 00:15:12

I heard that are lose time. That i had previously been able to spend with jupiter. It wasn't when we develop the relationship. It wasn't anger or jealousy or upset. As you are or dylan's that i did have to go through some processing to to think of okay. How is the time that. I've currently set up the spending jupiter. How's that going to be affected too. You know she has a. They need to allocate their time with the person. But richard out is that i ended up actually really enjoy spending time together and there were our happening is three of us would actually hang out together and spend the night together and have sex together. You know in our own configuration in the same bed in would help each other please. Each other configurations son. Please explain for just answer. Julie's questioned that's what makes you guys a triad relationship versus a poly-amorous relationship. Because re of you guys hung out a lot a lot. He became very close. You just had a relationship. It just wasn't sexual right I think sean. I developed a very deep and intimate friendship And one that is unlike any that. I think i've had with anyone else in. I think there is a a mutual understanding of the The shared intimacy with another. I think creates a very a deep connection with another person. Just something that. I thought was was so inspiring when i sort of began might relationship a both with jupiter and with sean kind kinda respectively. Was sean a approach to in such a healthy in an open. Way and Disgusted in terms of the two of us being on a team together with our mutual goal being to make her happy. And i thought that was just one of the most like tajon and you know unbelievably Just human things that that i had experienced this far. And that was those really really inspiring in really kind of drove me to try and incorporate that kind of thinking in my own life now from my understanding jupiter you or the connector of this relationship did did you sean and dylan. Did you guys ever hang out without jupiter's presence. Oh yeah definitely. I think the way they went on a trip to go back from the literally from the first time we ever the three of us had like a group date the very first time. We all sat down. And i was like very nervous and like they're both like. Hey i like. I just really want you to to become best friends and very quickly day and the they share a little kiss at the end of her goodbye and i was like. Oh lord save me. And i'll ever wanted us i want i. I love these people. And i wanted them to find a mutual mutual. Love each other and to terrific job of kind of like facilitating that in creating a space. Where there wasn't really any pressure expectation on a to develop any kind relationship but it was It was healthily. Encouraged an indefinitely. Well fostered so so so when guys hang out together. I'm just thinking about without the presence of their girlfriend. They're usually out like looking for girls. Were hitting on girl. Who did you guys do. Okay interesting talk with no hesitation or reservation whatsoever. Yeah i would ask for updates while they were doing rice south by south west at the same time together and i was. I was getting owes them doing various things together as like. I don't care what y'all doing. Just get a photo some butts and very officer both their butts in a bathroom and was like great. Go back to what you're doing goes there's no jealousy at all in any of this. It's it's really kind of bizarre. Like i have experienced Jealousy in relationships previously But i don't know that. I ever experienced in this dynamic with these people like even that is just because of how open in communicative and Just abundantly loving both are like i. I don't know that. I think chelsea primarily stems from a sense of insecurity and There was just between the three of there was no room for insecurity because there was just such an abundance of love and adoration between the three of us and it kind of it almost multiplied on itself.

00:15:12 - 00:20:01

We often described that. There's relationships between myself. And sean myself and dylan dylan sean. And then there was this other relationship. That was the three of us and not relationship while all relationships i think. We all put a lot of work into having healthy relationships. Having communication there was something about our specific dynamic of the three of us that was probably the healthiest of the mall. There was something so like to use a buzzword synergistic about all of us together. Yuck paki scowl long. Have you been ever world three months out dating other men as well. I'm it just so happened. Like while i was dating sean dillon. I did want to date anyone else. I was totally free to it. Was mostly like having the two of them and having a full-time job and having hobbies yeah kind of out of time like its biggest thing. That always comes up. So here's the biggest question you talked about it timing scheduling guys. I mean we were talking to a friend last week and he said oh i ask this girl out on a date and she says she's not available till april and that's just like trying to date one person. How do you find time to multiple people today. Ask this woman that was unavailable to last week. Wow that's not that busy. I will say. I said at once else hated who. That's a no so busy. Till april definitely use google calendar for one thing nowadays though. I'm a big thing for me. At least so that this was part of like honestly wyatt. Trion really worked through three of us lake. I had a fulltime job. Dylan worked on south and so between full-time job in the community euphemism got two full time. Quitter wanted to please off. Can i find my. But for the you know the hallander google but for the three of us like what i was for a while sean with the only ones you're seeing each other like consistently and that was a lot easier to time sean. Hudson more flexibility and schedule at the time. Now we're all even busier than we were seeing each other but it was kind of easy to be like. Hey like i can try to keep splitting my time. Hang out but that gets. How can we do and like slowly. That became more and more of a thing where i'm someone who can be really fulfilled by group hangouts. I'm like i still want some one on one time. But like actually and i think sean can you speak to this. I remember us talking about this when we were still seeing each other about this relationship that i had where we're ahead the however you define determining relationship with with a with a man with mass energy and so with that man that when we all hung out. I got this interesting balance. Jupiter's got her own unique. Mix of masculine and feminine and and and dylan vanity with. I just haven't had a relationship before which was actually really really amazing. Because can you imagine. Imagine the situation where you get the hang out with. Were the guy who like you're getting to know like a like a best friend and you're hanging out with your girlfriend like at the same time. It was on home from every war veteran out. I get it totally. Make sense like the way you're saying like people always never have time for like friends and relationships. It's like do it all at one. Also fucking your girlfriend here yeah. I'm curious about the configurations now. Let's talk about legitimate curation question. How does this work. let's just go. Pg i when you go on a date. What does that look. Like who picks who picks a spot. Who's planning the dates. It took turns not any different artem of when you're planning with a platonic friends so i'll say on for a second day. I may be heard of hump the film festival. That's immature. You have to go to mature porn film festival. They show at meter. It's amazing is run by dan. Savage savage you're watching porn and public amateur. It's introducing we. Do we have a good story so good. I'm because i don't remember what it is. it's okay it's not that our We for that. I had been like. Oh i really wanna go on the year before i realized.

00:20:01 - 00:25:02

Oh i've talked with sean. And i really wanted to do this with him and like oh i think i really want to bring dylan to at. I just got overwhelmed with like. Oh my god. I don't know this is the first of how delete pick who to take so just bought three tickets before he did. It messes both or like a talk. Show hey so. I should've asked before but like i'm really sorry i don't want you to feel like it. It wasn't picking you. Can i bought tickets for all of us to go the problem i can like and they're all like that's so sweet that you want us all to go like great. This is the best thing ever. And so i got to bring both of them as i like public. Let's go out date and so we went to see. Let's pretend that you work peacocking super hard to bring something gone to the theater and it was like so proud and at one point. There's a fuel highness. Told make eight hundred with my hand. I came with two days and this is like a bunch of friends. Join us in. There was another guy who i've seen. That's on i cringe so hard that my face pulled over reaction your reaction there was. It was still pretty new to me at that point and so on a month i yeah easily really had these relationships prior i i had been in situations where me and somebody else were seeing the same person but it was never that kind of together or even never group dynamic it was like. We're just gonna pretend that neither one of us knows about this. This is the opposite right And so that was that was very joining from. It took several months to kind of get fully that kind of social dynamic but it was fine. it was definitely an interesting experience and You know even at the time. When i was gonna say. I don't know mildly uncomfortable. I was still able to laugh at it. Because it's just so ridiculous like it's it's it's ridiculous in the sense that it's like like i understand that it's totally kind of in sort of the conventional of viewpoint but i also understand that it's like it's completely preposterous. That like people having inclination to do this sort of thing and are restrained by either their their own Self consciousness or you know. Societal pressures to Just live the disney fairytale Yeah with whatever makes you feel good. I'm just thinking about like more conventional relationships like a month and if someone was like. Hey i'm gonna pray another girl the date with me i'd be like what the fuck you know. That's the reaction so interesting that it was like not that they were like so i was. I was really worried. That i might hurt sean feelings because this is something. We talked about one to do in china's lake. That's really sweet. I'm totally dow Like you're awesome lila. I'm spoiled shit right now. Let's go to in your history. So dylan you've never been triad before this one out of not fully known triad again. Okay and then sean. Have you been tried before this one. This is the first for everyone interested. It's hard to find my first. You guys like a children's book you guys currently today or not dating each other. I would say maybe close us still together our show. He's like yeah. I hang out with dillard. We went to blind ya. I'm like i've been so. They went to the bath house together on like one on one date. I'm you invite me and this was just as us thing. Well i see. I tell yourself in each other. You guys do triads again. Would you be open to. Oh for sure. But i mean it so is so heavily dependent on the people involved right. Yeah if we force this. I think it was like it was sheer luck and like it just so happened. We all collect like. I wasn't positive when i first introduced the mall. 'cause you know dillashaw turn out to have a really great. You know chemistry Personality wise. But like i was adult fairly different in a very specific ways. Oh yeah they're very different people In terms of just as they relate to people but they happened to both just be really big hearted. Genuine open honest people. I wanna please the oh more importantly logistically. I want to go back to logistics branch. A time where you were invited to a party. You only had a plus one like a wedding or something like that and you had to choose this story.

00:25:03 - 00:30:01

I wanna get so funnier stories. Even actually after. I'd officially stopped dating both dylan sean. But i was a bridesmaid at a wedding in july. There you go but i was obviously invited months and months and months before And my friend knows is like one of my oldest friends and she knows that i'm pali and she called me up on the phone last fall to be like. Hey i'm going to like it was like married to bring grange like i want you babe rise may of course annonay your policy you can bring to dates. That's what i get. My best friend being gained one being married. That's so incredible. At the time i had met dylan then like obviously it was like sean wedding. And then and then she very slyly pocketed that extra invitation. One day. find my plus two. I had my back pocket. Just in case i needed to mike. You know who. It is sean. It's very very bisexual. Porn star friend. She gonna give you five days. I can take as many people just jupiter undergone in there. yeah. I like that rock band. You know what's funny is. When i first met jupiter i asked her if she was named for the relative size ego attracted to it. Is loser detect. So what happened was even though we'd stopped. We have really good relationships. You also come into wedding. They're like yes they. Both the wedding still mostly was just the two of them growing out because i was in bridesmaid mode at like my parents were there and my parents have. I brought both in southern dead. See your parents are totally cool with it. Well totally have a month support. A person ever. My dot is confused and keeps every time. I talk about like all my mobile. Pick the richest one very. But like my my dad and mom both really like sean and dylan and sell like they. Both my parents were the running. Because it's my best friend. Since i was little and so i know that like i wasn't dating either them. He just assumed. I still is because they were there at the wedding relationships. If you break up key printing on thinking of your bright made as bride you should give them plus too because when you're doing bridesmaid duties your date need someone to keep them. They were totally everything. I ain't even in the spirit of monogamy like that just makes so much sense for guys. I loved it for breaking down wedding convenient. So how long did you guys actually date like completely. Probably the three of us were all like a unit for like six about six months or so. Yeah so what ended it It was nothing between the three of us in fact like said after. We're all broken up. We we hung out with silhouette. It's interesting it speaks to why worked so so fluidly so well as a triumph that After breaking up we were still fully committed to adding friends. Be showing up to things like the wedding As though there were no changes dynamic because at At at the base level there wasn't really a change in dynamic there. There was a change in how we approach our relationships and there was a change in the sexual dynamic but you know at at its core. We still Didn't look to their any less initiated. The break-up conversation wall so it happened in individual plate ways Sean i broken. Donen i transitioned our relationship In june and like that word vision and in many relationship for me. It's i like sweetheart. Sit down we need this imprint off. Another phrase that i'll often wheel uses like deescalate.

00:30:01 - 00:35:00

Oh my god king military conflict. What that one dollars demoted. Better job or it doesn't sit down as my diplomatic representative to de-escalate our relationship. So for me like even though. Sometimes i'll use the phrase break up. Because i think people understand it more. The truth is like i feel like. There's something implicit break-up that you'll often hear anyone talk to you. In the polly community the often refer to relationships and other ways than breaking. Because they're su there is less of this. You're my everything your to me yelling. We're like we respect a lot more. That people sometimes are certain roles in our life and then change and this is changing dynamics relationship. Really all it is is acknowledging. What's already there. That's what happened with nine. we were like. Hey we both feel like things are changing. Maybe the we don't need to in the same way they've been mad and we're totally on the same page like it wasn't it wasn't like a fight. We were there for each other. Most amicable breakup of ever break lesser. Something like this is over right cool. Nothing happened or i think. Just you know the progression of each of our lives in the development of our needs and what were looking for In a partner just kind of naturally drifted apart And and we came to the realization that neither one of us could Fully satisfy the needs of the other in the way that we had previously been able to. So what were some of those needs. That were different I think Just attention in Time spent in a dedication to overcoming challenges with the other a lot of what sort of filled and strengthens the relationship. At least in my experience is The ability to help your partner overcome the challenges of their facing. And that's a pretty big Time and effort and not spiritual religious sense but like as amendment. Right like mom. You need to give a lot of yourself to be able to help somebody do that. And i For multiple reasons. I didn't feel like. I was able to continue doing that in the way that i had been able to before. Though did you start seeing someone else or oh no it. Wasn't it wasn't really a romantic thing. It was just a sort of a change in Change in mentality a change in demands from Personal life work life Here some time was actually a big at. This happens in monogamous relationships. And what happens. Most of the time is two people. Sit down and talk about it and say how can we work through this. How can we compromise so in a triad relationship or poly relationship. Is reason enough to say. Let's deescalate the relationship or transition for us. It was just like hey right now in what we need to be in each other's lives is partners. We still care about each other as you can see where both With each other. Like i love dylan dylan continuously apart my life but i like to reserve the word partner for someone who holds a different level in my life. Who is how to enhance where you can say. Now someone rich data you bring up time. I think that's an interesting thing. You think though that like just a general of polly obviously. That's an issue with time. That's the ultimate currency exactly. So do you think that's like you mentioned. It takes a lot of time to devote to really helping someone through things. Do you think in other poly-amorous relationships you could have that workout in have that time or do you think that's something that's challenging with this whole dynamic you know. Time management is Something that i'm poor atrocious at A lot of our yet. I partner shares calendars with all his partners. Because they're all very busy live kinda half. Do not time like that. Like i mean. There's obviously physical time between the time. Like you mentioned dilip devote helping someone through sunday like that type of time for me. I i honestly think it's more of a gift to actually release that like. That's the thing. I could tell that when it came time to Relationship i just tell it like i was gonna fight for excels like i can see your interest in a different place. Yeah this isn't something that i don't wanna fight. You'll be like you need to fulfil my knees right this from you like this isn't where you're currently at. I want to be able to not hold resentment. Because you're not giving the everything i want instead. Want to be able to hold you to place where whatever you give me as a gift right which is similar to monogamous relationships. That happens all the time.

00:35:00 - 00:40:00

i do. Feel like in a monogamous relationship. Because let's say you're the only one i have. I'm going to devote all my energy and fight for this relationship. But i guess in poly-amorous relationships you will. I have all these other relationships that are fulfilling different media. And maybe we don't need to if we're in different places we can just let that go with. It was something that i didn't quite Pick up on right away but something. I eventually very gratifying was that i was able to rest easy knowing that i didn't have to fulfil all juniors needs and that I didn't have to be her. Go to for everything and the my role in In our romantic relationship and in her life Could be totally different of from sean or anyone else's and that you know the responsibilities that she came to me with were ones that i willingly accepted. There wasn't any responsibility on expectations placed on me. It's mindful it's nine as very much you mentioned like that's the ideal monogamous relationship and there is spin so many relationships that end because the person doesn't have time it. Does it want to get to that level of working definitely saw in a monogamous relationship. You somewhat be judged if you said we totally we changed. You know my partner change and we decided partway. Some people would say well why you fight for your relationship. Why try harder when and you go to like couples counseling right. So i guess i'm just asking if there is a need for something like that or well not so to bring in john for this part. So i fully turned the relationship with dylan and only two or three weeks later Shot at night already been through one level de escalation in our relationship and we fully early ship after that What's one level. i think. Good their first your response to this. Which was that at least in our relationship. I feel like was just communicating. What we already knew to a degree. And that's what. I find so different than an older monogamous relationships that i've been in her for me like in monogamy. Would i've had happened as you build up this this elephant in the room. Lease it in my mind or in the other person's mind which is like the dow and questions. I have about the relationship that grow and grow and grow until i finally played the voice to those and usually when i think the voice to those that like makes the ranger breaking fall apart because i've broken the the golden vowel of the sanctity of our relationship being perfect and i feel like the communication skills that we developed probably relationship and practice jupiter. I did a constant check in at first every couple of weeks and then every month in maybe every month and a half we did these check ins where the purpose of it with for us to discuss how we felt like our relationship was going. We want to change it in any ways. Were there things that we wanted to work on the safe space to discuss that stuff so that that win. The time transition came up. it wasn't turner elephant in the room. That was just like presented and was the blindsiding effect. I feel like we lead voice to change in the rubble connection that we had. We laid voice to that i was on. I was travelling in europe for a bit. And when i came back from traveling in europe and we wanted to make it clear and officials to each other yeah we recognize the transition and its bill walker lucid. So what i'm hearing is. This sort of transitioning of relationships is sort of inevitable so would you say a triad relationship is sustainable for the long term. Definitely or do you think this breakup even had anything to do with being a triad. I feel like i feel like the triad probably added to the benefits of the like anything not to say like my relationship with the other would have ended sooner but if anything for me personally i got so much of a richer experience actually outta my relationship from my connection to bill show together and earnestly something that i felt a bit was when sean what traveling for a bit. We actually really missed and felt like Relationship to the two of them suffered from us. Not being able to have as much time together. I actually felt like that to some tension that like it kind of made it more clearly. It was almost like it was almost like being in fairy tale land. Being the three of us it was kind of magic there was no fighting the magically dissipated like the three of us together was like just so easy whereas on one liquid in a people they have issues with people at i. I'm a big believer in.

00:40:00 - 00:45:04

Like i'm not there to fight for relationships till the end. I'm there to let relationships from their course. I believe that. I'm a most if not all relationships in your life and i mean they do exactly. Yeah and i'm just so happy to experience relationships to the point where no one else resentful we can be like. Hey i got a lot out of this. And i think if we're going to start getting positives so for me it was just before it gets to resentment and i don't think any of us have any resentment that doesn't sound like still sleeping together all sleeping together. Surprisingly we have sean. I know why sexualize you had your point when you were the leader. I remember those just took the reins from their lips added time. She'll get surfer that her album. Hold on sex. Let's talk about sex configuration. Let's just part. Did you of the three of you guys have sex for the first time. Valentine's day oh really that's romance we did. We did a triad valentine's day which is incredibly remember berbatov awesome. I remember that. I remember this conversation. Haagen chateaux like hey. Do you want us valentine's day together and he was like yeah. But don't you wanna spend a day with dylan to. I was like i do but like i want to honor a relationship because this has been something up for around new year's when i barely resorted dylan like pre kind of invited me to go to with new years. Two has a thing for summer. Like hey. This is an expectation. May be voice. But i wanted to spend with you so as of obsessive around valentine's day i wanna make sure see i'm like hearing your needs as mice doubles partner. And he was like no like. I think that you know dylan would probably want to spend time with you. I think you want to spend time with him too. So what are we could we we we can really we can. Just do all of that never dealt with by level of trepidation too. Because i i wanted to really make sure that i wasn't coming in like dat orders in or bank toes. I wanted you know. I wasn't sure what our relationship three of was gonna turn into china's literally the most welcoming matamoros exactly and and so on valentine's as schon robie the single sweetest and long end like heartfelt end just eloquent sort of explanation of how welcome i was his life and as heart of like the three person relationship that we were And that's that's when. I realized that i loved sean where jupiter i think i think from dylan picture of some old people and it doesn't. You're right by me. So they kind of hundred. So you can see. Sean instantly fell off to the side. I definitely bush's remember. Elliot be are leading up to this night. I like the first time. I was like maybe like literally the first date we went on. I was like so you wanna have a threesome. doda don't along petitions around like he'd never had a threesome with other man there. And i just kept being like okay. I won't push it pushing it. And so finally like that. He was like i'm not making any promises but it totally happen and it was amazing because we went we got dinner and we went to bonn yet again the bath house and then we went back gotten bad sufficiently. Yeah we cut. We've been religious like please a us the whole time like put the work in. We'll wait what do you mean you put the work before tracks no before during sex. Y'all day before sex First of all who paid for the date who pays for dates such a good question. I feel like maybe you jumped on dinner. I sean payton for bagna. that's also got in. Two men could split the expenses of the day the gutter affordable a benefits to get to the sex.

00:45:08 - 00:50:04

Yeah so we ended up. Having stated dylan's place which we met many much chagrin of my housemates. We came out one time and was like it was like forty people like well. Y'all were having fun and like yes. Yes yeah so we. We had a three seven. I actually remember my housemate mike. I remember You sean came over one night in. I left my room. I went to the bathroom. And then you started fucking again. Well as brushing my teeth and i walked into living room and i was brushing my teeth. My housemate mike looks at me and goes. If you're here rutskoi. Did you base. Mostly like half threesomes when you're together. Or was it more like you. And sean dillon. Like that mostly threesomes of the three of us. Were all week but vilnai nap through eyesight and young multiple time. We had to get off the bed because it was like making grumpy noises because we were waking him up with talking off. The board of the floor next to famer. Configuration was a missionary with me reading a book nixon. I was wondering like what happened to the other person. While you were with one guy now. I guess we know you're there or you're not one time at Shawn's the places sauce alito when we did all we made the ford ceo great. We're playing like projections and crazy music. And like we're taking turns doing all. The combination put a took a dolphin here swords ever cross during usa. Sean i ever hooked up. Because no ian well not intentionally. But you've got you've sean. I ever accidentally tripped in. Maybe i think it's very clear that you guys had a very sentimental sean. What was is your thoughts on this. I mean don't you know what. I'm saying i'm totally i'm totally now. We are you going to do it. I learned early on that. We were both big fans of the big lebowski. And so there's there's this one moment where dylan was going on jupiter and if for any like listeners. Fantastic about ski. Will maybe recall the scene where i dunk doing head further down and screams. Where's the money about you. I don't remember how i learned. I think the most out of this podcast any other. I've ever heard of so very quickly. I just wanna go around. Because we know what. Jupiter parents think of this Thought of this relationship. Dylan what do your parents think of. Or do they know about this Yes so might. My dad just turned seventy and i know And he is like in full support he could not be any more You know encouraging and supportive and curious and dislike all of the the things that you would want know from a from hereon and mentor And i think you know. He is He fully understands that His generation is probably not Not fully on board with the idea of a but i. I don't want to speak for him. But i think On some level you know he kind of would would liked to Ideally incorporate some level of ethical non monogamy in his dude.

00:50:04 - 00:55:14

Okay it's never too late. He singled trust me. Like geriatrics out there for listening seventy year old listeners. Right at dillard stack so please do. We all love to retard not do. It's really are. We liked him. Better the dylan sean. What about your family my family. I wouldn't say supportive as don't cover has been I think they've it's been it's strange. I feel like it's been. They've tried to be accepting of it but i think it's been more complicated than i feel like. They kind of on the surface of level. Understand pickler to them. That i am only emerson. Explain what that means to me. But i think they're just not trumping their holy. You understand. I think they you know they live through the seventies and whatnot and basically said that you know that that they tried when they were young but you know they in their experience they never saw working out that it was you know. Kinda regarded as a faith and that kinda it doesn't feel great connections. You know how do you how do you imagine if you if you're gay and you tell your parents you gain brush it off as a fate doesn't doesn't feel like advocate recognizes. You know the declaration. You're making them And so yeah we've gone through. We've gone through process together. My mom and i particularly where i feel like. It's come up a couple of times. And i've tried to make the case for you know respecting my sexual economy and and tried to relate it to her to you know sexual sexual orientation and i think maybe just maybe that case like helped drive home because i i believe it As a lot of people do in the community that is an orientation in a similar way that factuality. This is your baggage you call your relationship orientation. And then you. Also have a you know a gender attractiveness tation i will admit like i didn't know much about triad relationships before and i just automatically assume that there was like you guys were by. Did your parents ever think that group. I secretly thinking. I think she totally does well. I mean i totally told her. We were so. I know what you were expecting. Out of that compensation would you hear relationship. It's like stereotypes are in lincoln. I do have a lot of friends who are like ace sexual all sorts of things like that so i like for me. I'm very much understanding. People have like non sexual relationship. I think most people still sube sex yet. Romantic relationships are sex kind and try have relationships could be. That doesn't time to be exactly. Yeah what about a marriage. Do you guys believe in marriage. I mean i'm not opposed to marriage. If i like a serves a function like literally a practical function otherwise like i'm totally in favor of like commitment ceremonies were like wasted accelerate and recognize like relationships that like have a desire to like grow foundation. And all those kinds of things like marriage as a concept that i think like traditional society cooler side he believes in like a lot of people i think in this generation just doesn't really resonate for me. I don't feel like the government telling me that. I've now bound to someone makes murders and ship any better so really believe it serves a function. Gotcha this is going to come in here. Yeah i think in the same way that like you know calling on your boyfriend or girlfriend can can basically 'cause you in this society to inherit that of expectations and rules that that means that your relationship should have Marriage definitely has radio from your mary and they instantly. We make a set of expectations assumptions. About what that means of what you're allowed to do and how you behave. And i find that i mean that's to me that's like the major purpose of for me is breaking free of those expectations. Like i find each relationship that i have is is so unique with that individual that it's almost insulting to for me to just inherit some sort of societal expectations of how i should conduct that relationship and In marriages to me have the ultimate most like symbolic one that is like well known throughout the world what it means and generally speaking i just most of old relationships don't abide by the rules that are set by that so i feel like it just is going to serve confused more than anything.

00:55:14 - 01:00:03

Most people But yeah it did. Euchre's point there's some other like tax benefits et cetera. That could come with it just as far as the and all that jazz. The next thing and stuff. It's just not my jam. I can't uber. Nine talked quite bit about sort of the not not about having our own kids who just the of raising kids in a poly-amorous environment i think. I think we came to an please chime in if If i'm in or misquoting. But i think we kinda came to to some common ground on on the idea that much like A standard Monogamous nuclear family. Kind of set up like the important thing is that a have It in a consistent and stable of role models and the number of those role models. is kind of inconsequential. End if anything You know being raised by a family of people allege bright as it were Could really only served benefit. I don't i struggled to envision a scenario wherein there's a sort of a poly-amorous group You know raising child in in being consistent presence in that child life and that being A a native or a force of yet negatively or negative influence. I do wanna get to some takeaways. Because i want our listeners. To hear about what did you learn from this triad relationship with some advice. You can give to people who are exploring non traditional relationships. I mean i I took away so so much. I learned so much about myself and Just about how. I wanna treat people and how i want people at feed me so quickly. It was pretty overwhelming But i guess Eight number one would be Work within your comfort zone. Don't push yourself to do something you know. You're not comfortable with but at the same time. Try and push your comfort zone right exactly Find find what it is that you're comfortable doing and find a setup that That were three Benefits you To to the best of your building or knowledge and You know. I think because tests people's connections and people's communication skills in in people's hands self-awareness and tight end time management. Much more strongly in my experience than monogamous relationships You need to make sure before you dive headfirst into a triad or some other. Polymers dynamic. That you have In line because you'll find out very quickly if you don't yet and it can be kind of destructor. I actually learned a lot from shauna dylan as examples because a lot of ways. I like to say. I kinda had the easy position like i was the without question. You visit a joke. I Yeah like so. It's funny because prior to this happening. I always had things eighty in my relationship with sean with prior relationships. That were paulie tried to do that. I always had this big fear of like what's going to happen when my person finds other person wants somebody time. what like. How am i gonna handle this. I never proposition in my head like it would happen. The other way and that i would find another person. I i was really lucky. That sean hill such grace and i consider myself looking their respective. Yeah definitely like. I really happened to be with someone who was able to take full ownership of their feelings. Who didn't project that. I was doing anything wrong. Who actually celebrated what was happening but also acknowledged like really real feelings that were happening for them And then to be able to watch how sean handled that. Unlike in such a way that i respected and i was like wow i see so inspirational and then also see like the grace. An like lack of insecurity that dylan cayman within the where. He's able to just feel comfortable and like right through it.

01:00:03 - 01:05:01

I learned so much from both of them that interestingly enough like me now i am now partners with two. People who want to long term relationships wanted one long term relationship for many years before they made me and my first time now being like getting into relationships with people who aren't had these long standing partners. And i feel like i had these amazing example of how to do that and how to do it in a way that is graceful that is respect for the people who live in the relationships and i think if i had not been in this exact interaction where i happened to be lucky. Got to watch people handle it like this. I may not be successful relationships and currently in and you're in hugh separate relationships not a triumph. Okay sean what about you grab hold that you're doing in jupiter for your kind words about About the process of going to this trip together I really appreciate it in both you to Were amazing People to to do this with and learn from I feel really grateful from the experience. I actually i actually Preferred being in the condition. That i was in this relationship because i Talked about having the position. I actually really enjoyed having may may. It's hard to say which is the hardest bishop of having what could be seen as a heart condition of having established relationship than having your you know your partner in that relationship. Build a new relationship right. You have to create a lot of space to To invite someone into a and for me that was actually where all the growth was. So that's why. I'm really happy to have been in that position even though tiger's instead of me constantly having this belief which i walked around with her several years privatised bet. I'm a very unjust person. And i actually want my partners to be able to build other relationships in either all the hypotheses that i had and i am i but i never really had it texted. You know i had a previous partner who who has some flings with people but she never developed like a significant relationship on what could be a partner level with anyone else and so. I never really had that test and i felt like i didn't wanna get into you. Know three or four years of being pollyannaish and he actually had that real test. Come to me To make sure that. Like yes paulie every. Is korean me with this. This for me actually gave me that until i got to walk through the emotions of bringing a new person into my life and bring in creating space per by partner to have this person in their life and so i guess yeah i really suggest some You know advice on this topic is don't shy away from that at all. Yeah that's the hard part. But i feel like you don't want to avoid the hub percha and what you're doing by practicing every year you have a hypothesis about how your emotions work that is that you're finding different. Relationship style is going to be more compatible with how you are as a person That it's more likely to bring greater happiness into your emec. all it is. It's not doesn't need to be the big statement against the rest of the world and again society and such. It's it can be simple as recognizing that you. Maybe you're a little bit different than the average person. And if your goal in life is to optimize for your happiness then maybe a different approach and whatever else is doing is is good and so you want to test that hypothesis so put yourself in that difficult position create space for new person to come into the life of your partner. And if that's shoot-off if you try to work through that and it just not working for you Then maybe poly-amorous outright for you should turn away the purse because it takes working through this stuff to to actually really get goal behind it. I just i. I described it too many friends of the relationship that i found that you put her night. Jupiter doing it. I had was that it was like we were at this. This big crowded party and we had suddenly discovered courtroom in a room with like the most beautiful show is filled with with lasers and the best music you intense crossword three are getting to enjoyed ourselves. That were just complete of that experience. We're all three having in a way it felt right. We kind of stumbled into it like it. Wasn't it wasn't so mike intentional like we.

01:05:01 - 01:10:05

We took the baby steps to get to this thing but it was a world that would trading to ourselves that we all three share in the we grew together That other people can only see from the outside. And i wanted to shout to the world to say. Hey everybody secret room all around us the leap that you need like i know that thorny toughen scary but i'm telling you there's a beautiful room on the other side of anthropology i think can happen notion of growth is really makes people always say just in general like teach you so much about yourself and like what you guys said. It's not that you you're measuring it by if you're still together you're not but just like how much all of you guys go out of this. He has pretty credible yeah. I think it's funny because we're always talking about like what's a successful relationship in society says in a relationship. Bigger narrative is not in my opinion. A relationship where you're like. I learned from that i grew from that and that the between the three of us i learned in grew so much more than probably way and so i i consider my religion jewish onto probably be my most successful relationship even though right like in the grand scope of my life and e- even So my other relationship didn't last long right. It's not really the length of time now. At least for the time will also like just. What a relationship Navic between sean and dylan is so actress. Stink to me and just like how much of it. It's like people always say like your partner is like your best friend and like there. Is that like platonic side to that. We sometimes forget about and you guys obviously had the platonic bromance. That's like really got still wrong. Romance remains strong I have two main takeaways one. Is i think when people are in are in a relationship no matter how many people are in it as long as your goal is to hope for the best for each other. I feel like that relationship can work through anything if the goal is to say. I want to be the best person for you. I wanna provide the best for you than basically. That's just you're the one goal. Everyone's working towards The second takeaway. I have is. I think this notion of of people who haven't had much experience with polly emery is that. They think that people are unsatisfied with one person so therefore i want to find multiple people to fill in the gas. When i'm hearing you guys says jupiter you've met dylan and you said this guy in my life actually enhances my relationship with sean which is a very interesting thought. You know. it's not so much shawn was missing. These qualities were a heated fulfill. These needs is like by dylan. Being part of our relationship that actually made everything even better. And that's a one way that people should really you know if you're considering poly-amorous you're considering non relation non traditional relationships or just with anything in life if it enhances your life absolutely say yes to it. Why would you say no to it. But don't don't approach or at or try out things where you you're you come in with some sort of resentment about your current situation right. 'cause you're starting out negative and the person that's coming in will never be able to live up to what you're looking for you. I will say yeah. Sean was like an amazing partner. And if anything i was like i'm spoiled getting another one now. I know kept going. Just keep going. I never am. I mean i think every woman listening is probably just envious public. And i'm like looking people in like i know what i'm doing idea of taking dates to a wedding excites me to end will be my last a cool. Let's wrap this up. You guys thank you for coming on and and giving us such an honest picture of the tryout really attaches as a tempted to lie about so much better so much better if people were to have questions or they want advice. The big contact you guys for that. I don't know like hell. How many listeners. Imagine the thousand one hundred thousand cool. We'll see on those questions. Can i can help with this little bit. So actually mailed dot gibson. And i actually run some polly events and apollo plug opportunity and also currently launching a part of the film collaborative.

01:10:05 - 01:15:01

That's all about sex gender relationships And so i'll be leading a video series on youtube called poly pillow. Talk offense of informal cozy in my bed. Toxic about real-life poly-amorous thing so that it will be a great resource for people that i plan to be putting out there to kind of like dispel myths about paul marine presents. Really real life. That's i'm always happy to talk about it. I have i make my the polly person on my friends lives and so everyone just always random people from high school be so like thinking about polly emery. I know we haven't talked to me. It's bring it to me okay. So listeners. that right to us we'll pass. Did you feel it's fakey bill. I'm previous book next to people i will. There is is a medium of like liga couple having sex and the partner next to them is just like petting zoo. Intimate honey sean. I don't know do you want to. Would you ever want them things we invite you call question. I mean did you. Burn i for while. We're running a discussion circle in san francisco where we brought together people to help answer these questions. So yeah we. We both really interested in building the valley community around the world really We're all going to thrive better as the community girls so feel free to send people my leg kind of get the same thing that you're mentioning just random facebook about holly every pretty her. Also sean you can only hear his voice. But sean is super cute. And he's always done to fuck i. It's always we all know sean or one. We all know that. Honey that's going. Sean and dylan sometime. After a delicate subject in two or three you're about to go to auctions about to go to threesome. Sorry we're some time. john. Where are you right now redwood city i can be there in forty five minutes i had this anyway. Liz liz you. Can you heard it here. First you can contact Sean or jupiter on your policy questions and if you wanna read a nice book you can that guest on her show. We're constantly looking for guests especially were now looking for season six which will start in twenty eighteen so just email us. Were find us on all the social media channels. Okay on that day j mixon. I love you finding a three some your tonight item for this week is to set expectations with the people. You're dating communicate your needs and listen to their needs. And if you have needs that are maybe nontraditional or unconventional. It's much better to communicate with your partner than to do it behind their back because sometimes you never know what he or she may be open for maybe a triad relationship is not out of the question. And don't forget all week. We're having an instagram contests. Follow on instagram at dateable podcasts. And for each friend that you tag in a post if counts as an entry into the contest and the prize is a brunch with me and julie where you can ask us anything you want and brunch is on us so inter as many times as you like by tagging affront in our instagram posts. If you didn't know already in our off season we launched a premium series called the y series where we dissect analyze an offer solutions to some of the most common dating conundrums. We've had some great feedback on. How actionable these episodes are so. Check it out on our website under the tab why series or you can now buy directly from. It music the most efficient way to meet new people is a combination of online. And offline five hundred wrenches. Has your offline covered connect over brunch with new friends. Come alone or bring a buddy. There's always a table of friendly faces mimosas. An eggs benedict sign up at five hundred branches dot com and use the code date able for free entry to connect with us visit dateable. Podcasts dot com.

01:15:01 - 01:15:07

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Dateable Podcast
Yue Xu & Julie Krafchick

Is monogamy dead? Are we expecting too much of Tinder? Do Millennials even want to find love? Get all the answers and more with Dateable, an insider’s look into modern dating that the HuffPost calls one of the ‘Top 10 podcasts about love and sex’. Listen in as Yue Xu and Julie Krafchick talk with real daters about everything from sex parties to sex droughts, date fails to diaper fetishes, and first moves to first loves. Whether you’re looking to DTR or DTF, you’ll have moments of “OMG-that-also-happened-to-me” to “I-never-thought-of-it-that-way-before.” Tune in every Wednesday to challenge the way you date in this crazy Dateable world.