S5E2: Every. Body. Beautiful.

Dateable Podcast
September 19, 2017
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September 19, 2017

S5E2: Every. Body. Beautiful.

We discuss overcoming the struggles for both women AND men, learning to appreciate your body, and how this impacts dating.

Every. Body. Beautiful.

Natalie Carey, author of Every. Body. Beautiful, tells us about her decades-long battle with body image. We discuss overcoming the struggles for both women AND men, learning to appreciate your body, and how this impacts dating.

Episode Transcript

S5E2 Every Body Beautiful

00:00:04 - 00:05:02

If you didn't know already in our offseason we launched a premium series called the white series where we dissect analyze and offer solutions to some of the most common dating conundrums. We've had some great feedback. On how actionable these episodes are so. Check it out on our website under the tab. Why series or you can now buy directly from itn's music and other exciting announcement is that we revamped our website. We now have written stories from past guests and writers and we have playlist to organize episodes by topics. These playlists can also be found on soundcloud so check all the content. We now have on dateable. Podcasts dot com The Dateable podcast is an insider's look into modern dating that the Huffington post calls one of the top ten podcast about love and sex. On each episode, we'll talk to real daters about. From sex parties to sex droughts, date fails a diaper fetishes and first moves to first loves. I'm your host Yue Xu, former dating coach turned dating sociologists. You also hear from my co host and producer Julie Krafchick as we explored this crazy dateable world. This episode of dateable is brought to you by five hundred brunches. Five hundred brunches connects like minded people with similar interests to meet in real life over brunch. You answer a questionnaire about your interest and how you spend your time and they'll match you in small groups of sixty eight at a brunch spot in san francisco get a free entry into a brench now by signing up at five hundred brunches dot com and using the code date able everyone. Welcome to another episode of dateable. Show all about modern dating. This episode is going to be a little bit because instead of a dating story. We're talking about an issue and a topic that not many of us discuss action. So it's about body positivity how do you view your body what are some of the insecurities you have about yourself and have you thought about how that affects your dating life. So today we have natalie carried here. Who wrote a book called every body beautiful about a few months ago. Julie came to me and said i read this incredible book. It's about body positivity. We need to get her on the show coincidental later. A natalie comes to the dance studio. It chat euphoria and she's like. Hey i'm doing this. Like body. Positivity theme social media posts. Would you want to collaborate. So we collaborate a separately and then we put the and two together. Okay this is so serendipitous half so just a little background on natalie. She's she's wearing the best shirt right. Don't throw up it's a trap. It is a tragedy. So natalie is thirty two years old. She's been in san francisco for six years originally from santa cruz. So you are and tell us a little bit about your background. That inspired you to write this book. Yeah while you're santa cruz in my mom pretty much had me onstage performing valerie now or musical theater from maybe a couple of years after i started walking. There's pictures of me in like a like a white t shirt with a stone on fake to when i was really really little on stage doing ballet so i grew up as a ballerina so i grew up in this community of people who are very focused. On how you looked. And i have continued to dance my entire life. I took up weightlifting in my twenties. I started running when i was in college. that's what got me into. Fitness moved to japan really randomly. in my late twenties. I know to teach english. So i lived in this country bumpkin part of eczema there. Were no gyms. And so. I downloaded p ninety x video like went to this random japanese. Sporting goods store bought myself some free weights and resistance bands and was working out in my tiny japanese apartment. But man i'd never lifted weights before. And i just fell in love with it and My family and my friends started asking for tips on. How do i work out. And like how do i get healthier and i was doing weight watchers online at the time because in japan they put the nutrition facts a little bit differently on the food and so i was just like i'm gonna eat all these things and have no idea what they are already. I need to do weight watchers in sort of learn about nutrition. A little bit better so i had started working at my apartment started. Learning more about food and people were asking for advice. In when i came back to mirror. I thought he was going to go back to grad school for international studies and ended up just realizing what i wake up every morning. Loving is helping other people to move and feel good in their bodies. If you want to help people to feel good in their bodies you had to get to that point yourself. Oh yeah so jealous about that journey. Okay so i've really really struggled this my whole life groping ballet community if you had anything that resembled stomach.

00:05:02 - 00:10:08

Roll the girls in the locker room with like. Make fun of you behind your back. So i learned very early age. Like if there's something wrong with your body you covered up you. Don't show it or else the other girls are gonna make fun of you and then my belly teachers would always pick on me and say you need to lose weight. They'd have meetings with my mom. My mom like she's lose weight as she wants to get the better roles and then when i was thirteen this boy in my junior high class told me. We'll you know your best friends beautiful. But you're just plain. Whoa and my mind was like my mind like exploded. Because i always been my. I'm beautiful. i look great. And then he was just playing in my whole thirteen year. Old girl just like collapsed. It's crazy how like someone that means. Like nothing yeah. Such an one rando. You probably don't even remember his name. What yeah yeah. Yeah he he. I'm sure like we're the same age. He has no idea that he did this. Knowingly i've said things to people when i was young absolutely i made a form of bullying. We just didn't labor. Yeah and so just for literally two decades i would tell people like i'm plane and i would use it to sort of justify people's treatment of me. I never thought. I was worthy of the relationships that i wanted to have I would let men. I was trying to date or was eating disrespect me and i would just try and be like whatever they wanted me to be because i was so desperate for a relationship and felt so worthless like i just didn't think that i deserve to have a relationship and so i was just telling myself why i'm lucky to have them deeply. So wow what. Can i do to keep them. Because that was your self worth. Because i felt i just felt like i did not look good that i wasn't anything special to look at And i knew that. I had a lot to offer personality wise but i. I didn't think that anyone would see past that. But also in the media when they portray a girl with great personality. They're also implying that she's not beautiful right. It's always yeah but she has a great personality. He's really funny that also play implies that they're lacking something in a looks category. I'm just reading the front. Cover your your book year and says if she's beautiful does that mean. You're not and i think that's really interesting statement. Because i think by what media portrays when they say someone is beautiful. It's implying what you're lacking as yeah person italy. You're not this person who is beautiful four. You're not beautiful right. And will the reason. I decided to put such so. I felt like it was a bold statement to put on ever was. Because i feel like so many times we are shown or shown an image of somebody. And we're told this is what's beautiful and so if we don't look like that in there for a week and not be considered beautiful or if a guy tells us will she is hot will then. You don't think that. I'm hot because you think she's hot and so i really wanted to try to teach people this message like. It's not a comparison game just because somebody has success and they are beautiful does not mean that you cannot not also have success and be beautiful like we can all have these good things. We all wish these good things for each other. But how did you get to this mindset. Oh okay. That's a lot of people are still totally. Yes so i saw through college. I went to school in los angeles felt super super out of growing cruise. I mean i grew up in overalls and like my skirts like when i got to college. They really oh god. She wore socks with. I was like shoot. I hope they don't see me with my story. I was still out of place in my college So yeah. I just was always comparing myself to other girls. And everybody started talking about their eating disorders or disordered eating or the laxatives. They were taking or this crazy new diet and just felt like oh man. If i need to keep up with these girls to get dates then i i do need a disorder. It's what all the trendy it's trendy so Yeah actually my junior year of college. I started binging and purging and it was it was i was believe on because to me it feels like it was wrapped up in all these other really damaging behaviors like i was also chain smoking. I was binge drinking. And i was over exercising and i was really promiscuous and i was just doing like all of these really self sabotaging actions that a lot of people do the kind of ebbed and flowed in my twenties and then a few years ago. I started going to therapy for insomnia. I came in i was like i've got insomnia and i only need to fix this problem. And then like oh guess what all these other things like. I started working on myself. Insert working on main priority. And i'm very vocal about it on my social media that i am on antics medication and it's changed my life and also therapy has changed my life Power to there.

00:10:08 - 00:15:04

And i started to try and figure out like we'll how does what i know about nutrition. How can this be an opportunity for me to make myself feel better about food and have not been enemy. 'cause i got my sports nutrition license and so i was like okay. Well this this is good for my body. This is good fuel for my body. So i learn more about that and then i am also competitive pole. Answer and i had hurt myself. Why are you not. I was competing employees thing. And i tore a piece of my hip and suddenly. I couldn't do the level of activity that i've been doing my whole life and i had to come to terms with what my body was capable of and what it could no longer do at that point and i started to realize like i am not the some of like what my body looks like. I'm more than that. And so let me appreciate my body. Let me take better care of it. let me like recognize how beautiful i am and not in relation to. Am i winning an award on stage or have apps or yes. It was just this really. It was a sad moment for me that transformed into this really cool opportunity of learning to appreciate my body and what it what it could be because it was sort of something that was taken away from you. Sometimes when you're lacking something you were used to your whole life when you sir appreciate it. I definitely feel that with my metabolism. When i was sixteen of eating like doritos and cheetos every day. And then it'll like now like yeah. I need to just know my body better. Yeah that would body positive. I know we hear the word. Yeah is that what is what you just said. No no like. I tell her listeners. Because they can't see. This is like one of those old real slow for trapper avenue rated. I can rip off. I haven't seen one of these six eight. This is pretty doing corrupt trapper keeper. Now ain't broke. Don't fix it back to iraq champion. I still want the definition. You talked by this movement that encourages people to accept their bodies as they are to increase like mental health and wellbeing. We're did body. Positivity stemmed from If you go back it has roots in radical feminism and just telling people and especially women of larger size that it's okay to look a certain way to accept your body as it is do not have to change your body to fit certain stereotype. We all have insecurities. There's not one person who doesn't happen securities about their body. What are some of the tools they can. They can learn to accept their bodies because and feel really comfortable in their own skin. The i would say one of them is goes back to dating. If you're dating somebody don't make comments about that person's body when you first meet them. Maybe wait for them to bring them up. Also don't negatively talk about yourself Not just not just on dates. But like don't just don't negatively talk about yourself. Don't put yourself down when we tell ourselves things repeatedly our brain starts to accept the truth so if you tell yourself constantly i'm like foxy lady like you might one day realize like i. I'm a good front of the mirror. Yes i'm actually a big fan of mir talk and myself affirmations stand in front of the mirror and tell yourself for every negative. Thought you have no. This is beautiful about me and like even if you can't say oh i love this about myself you can say. I hope that one day. I love this about some of the. Yeah because then it's not inauthentic and it's you. i sure. Do hope that one day you love that about yourself Yes that's one thing that people can do. Also i really believe in eating like wholesome food whatever that means to you. Whatever kind food makes your body feel best and like most energized. Eat that. And i'm a huge fan of movement. I think any form of movement whatever movement makes you feel good. It's going to help you get into touch with your body because like bodies are built to move. I'm a personal trainer. And so this is what i teach people. How do we move so that our bodies feel good. And so many of the women that i work with we work with women Like they tell me all the time.

00:15:04 - 00:20:01

How much better. They feel in their own skin totally even though maybe nothing's changed aesthetically like they just they're like oh my body can do this. I didn't know it could do this. And now i'm feeling muscles i didn't even know existed and just like the bodies this really amazing incredible thing and if you appreciate what it can do then you stop worrying about what. It isn't well. So i want to go back to that. Because a lot of these diet fads or like a p ninety x cells results show the before and after picture of someone going from bigger to smaller. How do you how do we get around that mindset. Because you're saying sometimes you don't you don't actually visually see a different but you feel the difference so when someone sir appreciating the results of whatever they're doing. I think that the fitness industry has a really terrible habit of telling people that they must change their bodies. And that's how finished industry makes their money by telling people. You are not enough but i can help you enough so i used to do that as a trainer before i realized that's no longer the message i wanted to tell people on so i try not to judge people for their fitness goals. If somebody comes to me and says i want to lose weight. Or i want to be more muscular or i want to do this or i want to do that. I'm like great. I know how to do that. I will help you. And then while we're on that journey. I try and dig a little bit deeper. Like why do you really need. That are like feeling. How do you feel about your body now. Isn't this cool that you could do this. And so there's always going to be before and after transformation pictures out there because it's a natural part of marketing tool it's a marketing tool and it's also like that happens people's bodies change but i try not to focus on that with people. I trained focused more on. What did we accomplish this month. I think it's really about how you feel about yourself right. Do i feel stronger. Yeah you'll like. I love my wife drill on your on my. Yeah but went. What is that line of being like. I am come because some for some people. There's no end. Even bumpkins skinnier icy some of my friends. Who are getting more and more muscular. 'cause they're doing cross fit or whatever it is and at what point do you say okay. There is a limit here. I think the limit. It's a really personal choice on people need to ask themselves. Am i happy in this choice. Does this give me joy right. If you love going to the gym and you look forward to it all the time then go but if you use it as a punishment for yourself or if you feel really guilty about not going or if you use it to burn off calories from your guilty pleasure weekend then you might want to reevaluate your relationship with fitness. Same thing goes for food if you constantly deprive yourself of food And then you feel like you have to go on a binge reevaluate your relationship with food Yeah and i think that's not something that i like to tell people as good or bad just like i don't know pondered over your cells it out relate this back to data you're all the time yep I'm not eating right now. Because i'm trying to get in shape and once i'm in shape then i'll put some better photos on these dating sites. What would you say to someone like that. I would say the sexiest thing. You can put on his confidence Learning to love how you look and your body is going to make hugh sexier and more appealing to everyone else in the world No matter what you actually look like no matter what. The size of your gene says With you can learn to appreciate what your body looks like. That's going to be the most attractive thing to people. Smiling is really attractive. Being friendly with people like star conversations with strangers like not not the creepy strangers strangers. Like just like talk to everybody gets to know people put yourself out there which is probably really difficult for people especially when you walk around with like your phone there. All the time is your security blanket but like put your phone down smile at somebody just like say. Good morning to them that sexy. You'd be amazed at how many people i meet throughout the city. Just because i say good morning to them in an elevator and they wanna talk to me because nobody's talking to them right. I've that brings up a really good point. Which is we have to be present in wherever we are right now but also one of our previous guests said you are. That's where you're supposed to be. And i think that applies to your body to where you are today with. Your body is who you're supposed to be right now. Yeah so you have to really embrace you are today. And of course we all have goals. Were working towards. But it doesn't mean that you have to put up. Put off who. You are today for a better tomorrow right.

00:20:02 - 00:25:00

I think it's important to remember that everyone has these insecurities that should be. I mean. obviously it's not ideal either. Everyone does but even the people that i look at that. I'm like you do not have ten to fifteen pounds to lose. Yeah they feel it so it's kind of like knowing that you're not alone in this and things that you don't notice about someone else someone else pro doesn't notice about you. Yeah yeah thinking back on like these people who brought up that they're not ready to take pictures or not ready to date because they're not feeling in good enough shape there. Is this amazing conversation with this. Woman named jesmyn stanley. She is a large woman who preaches yoga for everybody. That was the name of her book that she wrote this year and she was talking about. How like what happens when i get skinny. What happens when i lose five pounds. What happens when i reached my goal weight. What then because really like what does happen then does your life magically changed you instantly meet that perfect perfect partner do all the opportunity world open for you. Do you get to go on these vacations and trips. You've been waiting to wear the bikini on. I like those things. Don't change just because you've got to your goal weight or because you finally look the way that the magazine models do right like those things happen because you just live your life and and let them happen Yeah if you keep waiting for these opportunities to come along because you think you don't look right you're gonna let your life just pass you by like this is this is the body you've got just like just like appreciate like bats your body let it go on these adventures with you and the person because people always say like who. I am now attracting different people than who i would attractive comfortable my body. Actually if you are just who you are today you're going to attract the same person as you would tomorrow in a different body right right person for you would be attracted to your personality still so it's not so much about like like you're saying it's not magic the day that you reach your goal weight or whatever it is one it's never ending 'cause once you reach that you're going to want to work on something right and to your magic like prince. Charming is not just to all of a sudden appear and be like whoa. I just noticed you young hammond like that. Even if he is like. You don't want someone to that. Only want someone at a certain size always struggling to maintain that too young. I would say if you're dating somebody who can't see past Whatever your physical appearance or whatever. You're afraid that it is or isn't That they're probably not in the right mental head space to be dating you either so true but can we okay so now that we brought that up. Can we bring up the post Basically this post went viral. The i post this picture of his beauty minute ride it in a bikini yet. This woman is. She's gorges got. She's got some curve. I as amy lovers. It's women are. Yeah of course you're in love with her. She's beautiful the post that this guy put up and on how many like i got like thousand thirty thousand earlier. It just keeps continuing. This is from like august fourth so not that long ago. Yeah so basically. It says i love this woman in her curvy body as a teenager. I was often teased by my friends for attraction to girls on the thicker side wants who were shorter. Revere girls that the average parentheses basic bro might refer to as or even fat then as they became a man and started to educate myself on issues such as feminism and how the media marginalized women by portraying a very narrow very specific standard of thin beauty up. Sorry of beauty thin tall lean. I realized how many men have bought into that lie for me. There's nothing sexier this woman right here. Thick thighs big moody. Cute little side roll etc. Her shape and size won't be one featured on the cover of cosmopolitan. But it's the one featured in my life in my heart. There's nothing sexier to me than a woman who is both curvy and confident. This girl i married fills out every inch of her jeans. And they still most beautiful one in the room guys rethink. what's inside. He's told you about who you should desire. Real woman is not a porn star or bikini mannequin or movie character. she's real. She has beautiful stretch marks on her hips in cute little dimples on her booty. Girls don't ever fool yourself by thinking of defeat. Assertive mall to be loved and appreciated. There's a guy out there who is going to celebrate you for exactly who you are someone who will love you like love my sarah while those long i hope that many words on a novel. Yeah but natalie. How do you feel about that post. Okay so last sick knowledge that like robbie and sarah live in our city. Okay so no talking shit. Like i actually no i.

00:25:00 - 00:30:04

I like to hold people especially people that i don't know. In unconditional positive regard so i liked to withhold judgment for the fact that these are probably good well-intentioned people every they clearly love each other very much So i was reading this post and there were definitely like pros and cons. That jumped out to me first off. I think anytime you publicly proclaimed love for somebody like right on for you. like let's see more. People appreciating their loved ones yet and showing good examples of how you show affection for people that you care about so like good on you. That's great Secondly like don't know their personal relationships so the way that he talks about his wife might be how they talked to each other true. The thing she is into like body positivity yeah she's other body positive. Fashion blogger writes learn background. So it's like no secret that she's not a size to Nobody's under that illusion and she's not trying to pretend that she's a smaller woman right so like they might use kind of language in their relationship and like every every couple is different so the way that i looked at this was how would i react if this was my boyfriend. That had written this about me. So that's like the only way that. I can relate to this if i were if i were this woman and my boyfriend had written this what would what would my response to it and the the thing that jumped out at me was he said. This gorgeous girl feels out every inch of jeans and she still the most gorgeous. Yes well we second. Why does she have to still be for winning. I saying i loved it. I like this is not my favorite restaurant but it's still a good restaurant. He has taken that still out. It would've said so much more. He's a writer. So that was an bill reiter. He's a given ted. He's a well-spoken well-thought person whilst still thought the world will i will. I'm well though. Well yeah so anyways he leaked is. That is an intentional word. And which makes me question. Do you see something wrong with the way that she is but you still love her despite it like. What is the intention of that word. That you're using the second thing that and i i. This was probably what bothered me. The most about it was his reference to porn stars as not being real people so he was like real. Win are not porn stars. They're not mannequins. they're not movie characters. This totally dehumanize sex workers being somebody who no sex workers It was really offensive to me that this man is putting them in the same category as objects and Fictional characters like sex workers are human beings yes real they are real and whether you know them or not or whether you respect with the work that they do or not they are human beings and they are real people. That was my little social justice. Plug like sex. Workers are human beings to And but my third thing was and this comes back to you. I'm not sure of the language that they use their relationship. But i noticed he kept sort of categorizing dissecting parts of her body he talked about hair big booty and other thick thighs and dimples. And and what. I'm a really big fan of telling people is to not dissect the pieces of your body like your body is one entire whole union and when i look at someone i love i look at them as a whole unit. I don't say. I love them but they have this little thing about them. It's true so So like look at the people we love and pick them apart and then put it on social media and say look at all these things that i'm breaking up breaking her body up into you and let's also not do that to ourselves like let's not say well i would be beautiful if this wasn't on my body or my nose look this way or if my button was a size like so as he said i don't know what their conversations are like in their relationship but i'm just overall not a big fan of anybody dissecting or categorizing somebody else's body and i would say the same thing if it was her making those comments about his body absolutely agree i think about this 'cause julian i had this conversation after this post came out and i equate it to if my boyfriend worked to post a picture of us and said i love my asian girlfriend despite her having small is in small tits right like. That's what i've quit it too. Because it's what he's trying to say the underlining meeting of that as she's she's lacking in be things that are are supposed to be beautiful but i still find her beautiful despite all of that. Yeah so i think he had very mixed opinions. So i think had good intentions feel like he had yeah intentions and i like the message.

00:30:04 - 00:35:02

That's going out there. That's like you don't need this model thin woman But then at the same time. I agree with what you said. It's like almost implying like that's what men all men like. Only is this model thin woman. And i we all know lake. You see people walking around all the time that are in relationships that are not model thin on men and women. So it's like the fact that you had to go say that it's almost like reaffirming that that is your belief. I think it goes into the issue. That i have which is. Why are we celebrating. Like bodies in general when we should be celebrating people as a whole. Yeah well i think this also plays into something else that i was thinking about Inconsideration to like who robins air trip are need to also consider their audience. They have a large media following and their audience might not be Like body body positivity people because if you look at a lot of the comments that were made on the buzzfeed post a lot of them you can tell that they are people that have have been really educated in the world of fat acceptance and body positivity but i'm betting that that's not the trips audience and so yeah like i don't think he was speaking to the audience. I think he was. We have to consider like what are people ready for. What are they grew to see. And you can't always just be like here's the exactly precise lake Politically correct answer. And i mean. I'll give it to you and here is sometimes you have to give people a little bit of what they need and the little bit of what they want and i think that's also what he was doing. I want to make an example of how beautiful my wife is. But i wanna presented in a way that my audience will be sure receptive to it. Yeah so long without backlash when people get angry about it because there were a lot of people that just thought it was very condescending. I see that too and a lot of people were like well. He's nothing to be that great ballack she so much more beautiful than i like. he's scrawny. I know we've been talking about women's body images whatever our thoughts about men. Yeah great segue yes. When i wrote my book. I didn't really know anything about how men perceived their bodies or they ever even gave them a second thought and then after i came out with a book and i started talking about this issue so i work at a gym with a hundred trainers and all these men treat like all these meal trainers kept coming up to me and being like can i talk to in private for a second pulling side and be like what you posted about that really resonates with me like i never feel like i can talk about this issue and so all these men started coming up to me and making me aware that this is a huge issue for men to That i had no idea about. Because i mainly work with women and i hear women's stories so i was just i was shocked. I was like oh my god lake thank you. I'm so i'm so happy. You have body image issues. I issues are just a little bit different. Because i feel like women are women are just so much more accepting of all types when it comes to men i look at the data movement right like it's like it's like sexy to have a dad bod but women. We came out with the mom. Bod offer that nobody would be like. Let's get that going. The mom vital right now is the why. Why are we more accepting of men. Who aren't the cookie cutter like six path. I would say that this goes like way deep into having to dissect like masculinity versus femininity femininity and Like you can be emasculated. But you can't be eve. Fem needed like there's no there's no equivalent and so I think for men like they. They hold back like these feelings of how they feel about their body image because they're not supposed to express those things But and they feel like less of a man for expressing those things they feel like less of a man for As as have been brought up his examples for me they feel like less than men for not having a six pack or Perfect biceps or for being tall or having large genitalia women. Like we don't feel like or maybe. I'm just being yourself. We don't feel like less of a woman for not having like a size to body. We just feel like we're not good enough women. It's a really good way to put it. Yeah so i think it goes beyond that. Like i'm probably not the right resource to like dive all the way into that but i think that it does really go back to masculinity versus eminent. Men have a different set of issues which is always height when it comes. You know a lot of my guy.

00:35:02 - 00:40:01

Friends don't put don't post her height on bumble they. They know that they're going to be eliminating a lot of options. Or they overcompensate for their height by having eight-pack ads and like working out twenty four hours a day because they feel like they have to overcompensate for that so i feel like that's sort of they're equivalent of of insecurities i don't i don't know how i would tell. I mean i've had male clients who who been on the shorter side and they say well. How do i take pictures that make me look taller. How do i. How do i portray myself to be a little bit taller. And i say who. Are you trying to attract if you're trying to attract the woman who's looking for a taller guy. Then you're not going to end up with this girl because she's still going to see you in real life and realize you're not right up in point. I was trying to make earlier about like body image to obviously everyone should be there. Healthiest bestself feeling good. But like i'm never going to be a sized to like. I'm just never going to be that person so like i can't fool a guy into falling for be only wants to size too and it's the same with the height right so for that like instead of trying to figure out how you can like trick people into looking joe file. I would say like pictures of health that make you look taller or that. Like give you that shadowy. I would say instead. Here's my advice. Diversify your dating profile. Not your profile of you like your profile of people who you date so if you think like i have type. This is the person that i am usually attracted to stop dating those people and start dating the people who you're a little uncomfortable with dating maybe pointing look different than people you've dated before. Maybe they're not the race. You typically date. Maybe they don't have the background income. The educational opportunities that you're used to dating like diversify your dating pool because you'd be really surprised at the quality of people that are out there that you are just typically disregarding and they don't care that you are five four and not six feet tall. They don't care that you don't have apps because they're they're the good people that have been ignored cultural standard of beauty. To right we're talking about earlier. How this guy. Instagram guy was like all men. Wa- thin slender woman. And that's a white male like latino man like they're no yes you curves. They love a- preference probably so some of it might just be cultural as well. Well they'll your audience. It's like basic marketing one. Oh one know your audience and the market yourself to the audience. I used to work with this. All girl group called the glamour on anymore. I used to choreograph for them and their on. America's got talent and they're all sized to the plus and there are these like these beautiful gorgeous glamorgan's who already drag queens. They're not struck other women and the sounds like drag queen. They're not though. I time and they dance like pussycat dolls okay. So they're basically they call himself supply-side pussycat doll. They got it and all of them are in very long term stable relationships with men that they knew with like them who for who they are. They found their audience and they always said to me. You know what. I went to my doctor and i said listen. What is the healthiest way can be at and my doctor said this is a this. Is it where you are this. Healthiest wait for you. If you getting skinnier you're not going to be very healthy. So i accepted that reality. And i went with it and i bought everything in the size and said i'm going to stay. This way. assange healthy. I'm going to stay this way. And except my body for what it is and they started a tracking these men who love them for that body type or dress for your body or dress for your body. That's a whole other episode right. We need a stylist on my talk to. She's having ever ring her on her takeaways. Relieving all this back dating if we had distill it into a couple of things my biggest takeaway is stop hiding who you are and just a you have to embrace who you are today and know that we're constantly evolving if we're if you're saying okay i want to lose thirty pounds in in a month is the same as me. Say i wanna take soccer in a month right. So it's like if you have a goal of something we're costly going to be working towards our goal so instead of of giving yourself that deadline. If like it's thirty days. I'll have enough confidence to go out into the world day and my dating profile photos is that you have to show people your journey. I think people like seeing that. During by i am who i am today.

00:40:01 - 00:45:05

I know i'm going to be a little bit better tomorrow in a little bit. Better right. I want people to come along for the journey. Supposed to seeing the end product yet know the moment that i stopped trying to be the woman that i thought men wanted me to be in order to be worthy of them dating me. That is actually the moment that i met the love of my life. And he's like he expects me he accepts me for who. I am leslie unconditionally. Because i was absolutely one hundred percent myself from the get-go. And if i had been anything else i like why would be a different relationship and you guys just moved in together right just moved into you and i think for men. Okay when you're giving compliments. And i you know i know some of you are sensitive about this. Oh i got all kinds of when you're giving compliment. So i really. We all cruciate the app laments but it shouldn't be about your body's banging right. It shouldn't be about your tits. Look amazing in that shirt what we want to hear his. You look beautiful. You look radiant. Tonight is so when you hear things like. Wow how i really appreciate. What an incredible friend you are or my gosh. You're so intelligent and really crushing it at your job. There's so many things to compliment about people that have nothing to do with their body. Try and think outside the box what those compliments might be and it might be challenging. Because we're so used to being like god. I love your but today like outside the box there. We don't have to just compliment parts absolutely and i think you know i. We talked to guys and we ask you know who are you dating lately and a lot of times. What i hear is dating this incredible girl. She's so beautiful. Incredible body like the body parts always always second or third on the list of things they dollars a lot of times i two or they say she's not that great but her body is amazing. It's almost like it's a redeeming actor. And i just think about like why is that. A redeeming factor. Or why should that be a make or break in general like. How do you feel about her personality. Her values her her. She makes you feel makes you feel so. Let's stop focusing on that. And i think for you. Men is that when you stop focusing on women's body you'll stop focusing on your own body because we know you guys have insecurities. You're just not telling us we're at least outspoken. About it but you know. Let's can we go beyond that and just look at some for their like wholesome self perfect Sometimes they think that men like to date the hotter women because me tell themselves sex's better with a hotter woman. The sex is better when you are truly comfortable with somebody and don't feel like you need to be ashamed of any part of your body and you make them feel comfortable that they don't need to feel self conscious about their body that's when the sex is the best so don't worry about what somebody looks like worry about. Can i trust this person. Yeah okay let's go to our question of the day. have a question comes from rebecca. Sometimes it feels like all my friends have their lives in order whether it is a great career. A perfect body or an amazing relationship How do i deal and stop comparing myself to them. oh man. I love question. Because i had such like a revelation a couple of years Go about this exact topic. Do tall so. I was in one of the rare instances where i took a yoga class. Because i'm not a yogi. But i was like we were sitting there. Meditating and some reason. I guess that week a bunch of really great stuff. It happened for all these girls that i knew one of them had gotten engaged and one of them got a promotion and they were making more money than me and they'd found another great apartment or whatever like everybody had all this good shit going on for them and i was just like oh my life is terrible and i want all these things that they have so. I'm like sitting there. Meditating and being by and this realization that wow i am so lucky to have women in my life who inspire me to be better and if i had women in my life where i didn't want their lives. What kind of friendship would that be like. How would that benefit me. So how grateful am i that i have friendships where they inspire me to be a better person. Of course. I should want what they have. That's why i'm friends with them. Like you should have friends that make you want to be a better person. So i would say first off. Everyone is on their own journey leg me or not on the same journey as your friends. if somebody has it appears that they have something better than you. Everybody's got their own shit going on behind closed doors. Nobody has it perfect and like finally just recognize how lucky you are to have women in your life that inspire you to have a better life.

00:45:05 - 00:50:11

Well said i have. I have two things to go off on that one is. It's not a zero sum game. So if someone's happy doesn't mean that they've taken this chunk of your pie. You right now a chunk of that pie as well. If someone's happy that also music your share this happy pie with delicious. I think the second thing. I want to say as social media was causing us to see these highlights. It's a highlight reel of everyone's life. Nobody's putting up having a terrible day to day. I'm I'm feeling ugly today. Nobody's putting that up but you know what we can do is one. I think we can start ignoring these post. War celebrate people for their highlights in their life too. I think we can learn to be more vulnerable ourselves. Yes and i find myself having this issue where when friends ask me how you're doing. I'm like i'm great because i feel like i need to your put up this this front that unlike my life is great. You know i'm like getting it and go girl this girl girl bat and some days. I feel like shit. Yes and there's a reason why feeling shit because one and feel like a little bit week or two. I feel like i failed at something. And it's great to share those vulnerabilities because it makes you feel one more like a human being and your friends will see yeah more like a human to piggyback off. That really quick like ev and you both have said this is like everyone has stuff going on in their life. That isn't perfect. It's easy to fix the eight on the stuff that you want. That they have. Monday could also be admiring stuff about you. They don't have so it's all like it's not really a single like this person has checked. Every single box doesn't work that way. And if you have friends who are constantly selling their life like how amazing it is and like how much they've accomplished agean should rethink that friendship right. Yeah well in feared a relationship with somebody who always has everything perfect yeah absolutely reevaluate that friendship because they are probably not being completely honest with you and or or being honest with themselves when people ask me how i'm doing i usually give them a way to honest answer like i like. I couldn't find parking today. And now i feel terrible like i had terrible gas last night. I didn't get enough sleep and like oh well okay nice meeting you like i mean just just on like you don't have to pretend like everything's great. You just give skip the meeting answer. That feels most honest to you. Keep it real real real. And i think it's so important like what we do with. This podcast is open up this conversation. And women have these in depth conversations all the time which is what gets us through the day but i would really empower men out there to do the same in julie. The other day. I was at lincoln having lunch. And these two guys were literally next to me in a booth talking about how much they both miss being in a relationship and i just wanted to go over there and give both of them hugs. Because i've never actually heard two men talk like this. Like i was just so much happier when i was with her. How do i find that again. I wish that would have these conversations with our podcast. We find a lot of men. Listen in really because this is their outlet you know this is like their way of getting these thoughts across we know. You guys have insecurities. We know you how these issues now. It's time to talk about them. Like we actually get it out there instead of bottling it up i think hopefully this episode two for men has given some light into the way females. Think about bodies so like we said before maybe not fix leading on body the same level. That sometimes does happen. Today would be a great takeaway. Yeah well if somebody if a man is in a relationship if your partner share something vulnerable about themselves shearson vulnerable about gals. Don't don't just leave them out there in the cold like Really appreciate that. That person is showing a scary fragile side of themselves and share something scary and fragile about yourself. And if you on the opportunity to share something scary and fragile about yourself to natalie. Where can they find you. Gosh i love it when people share scary fragile stuff like i love talking about feelings and other people's feelings so many feelings to talk about on. Yeah they can. They can finally on instagram barbell. Blondie dot com barbara willing to dot com barbell. Blondie let me say that again. They can find me at barbara blondie on instagram. Just message me directly. I'm not cool enough to delete all of my unknown messages. So i actually read them and i definitely recommend people picking up every body beautiful and it was amazing so definitely recommended dinky last one.

00:50:11 - 00:55:07

I think we should go round and share something vulnerable about ourselves center so our listeners. Know that we're actual human beings all share this story ever since sixth grade there was a boy named brandon fully only little tits us brandon. This is for you. And i had the fucking crush on this guy. I don't know why. But every time he see me you'd be like little tits. You a little tits. Little tits has little ted's. Ua has noted he had a song for it and everything and ever since. Then i had this kind. it's this. I had a complex about my boobs. You know. I'm like oh my god. I'm a triple a cub. At how do i. How do i get over this. And for years i thought about plastic surgery especially i lived in la for a little bit. I just felt like maybe this is a national except in fact my mom was like if you want plastic surgery all support you. You know the for four. And i'll i'll give you you know she's she's like i totally support that decision and it took me years to come to terms with it and say and it really is because i started teaching fitness classes in my dance classes. Where i'm i do. A lot of like high intensity moves that someone made a comment was like you know what your moves of really for small boobed women sense to me. I was like oh my gosh so many other issues that. I don't experience because i have smaller boobs. And i should own up to it. So that's my little vulnerable vulnerable side. Anybody share i. Oh yeah let's talk about crop tops. I wanted to wear crops my higher life. I love crop tops. The greatest thing ever. I hear women all the time. Tell me i just want to be able to wear a crop top. And i realized a couple years ago after like stashing crop tops in my drawers all through college and never feeling like i wear them. I was like fuck this. I wanna wear fucking job. And so i've started buying crop shops and wearing them and like i don't have perfectly defined apps because that's not my natural body but i really love wearing crop tops and it always makes me a little bit to be like we'll are people going to judge me for this and then after a few minutes like who cares amazing short where the crop top where the crop top. I think vied stems from middle school. It's so funny because you said the to always going on remember there's this girl that was like my nemesis back dead in. I heard her call me. Rolley polley shit. oh i've eat obviously. I'm not like a size two. I will never be a sized too. And that is obviously stuck with me for time. However i think for me like running and getting into that has been like such an instrumental way to like overcome that because it's like it really made me realize how strong i am not how my body is built for that so yes i will never be this tiny sticks thin girl and i have also like obviously i have insecurities. I'm not gonna say don't but also been lucky enough to have men that i dated. That have also like appreciated by bodies and do the like. I know there are certain man. That just aren't going to be attracted to someone that's not super thin. Yup and that's not the guy for your person that is not your Cheers to in my lovely and beautiful. Feels like one of those slumber parties where you're drinking champagne eating dummies. And we're about to break each other's hair half and the listeners at home. If you have stories you want to share we want to hear your vulnerable stories your insecurities because this is what makes us human beings we didn't have these insecurities and we'd be robots and who wants to date a robot. It's not fun at all so show us your different dimensions. If you have a story that similar or anything related to dating let us know we love to have you as a guest on the show or even as a question of the day last but not least j. o. Your action item for this week is to think about the physical type. You normally go four and throw that out the window. Don't get so stuck on the superficial qualities. That nick someone attractive to you. We've said this before but it never hurts to say it again. Keep an open mind when it comes dating if you keep going for the same type and none of them seem to work out. There's probably a reason for that this week. Step out of your comfort zone and gopher someone completely different from your normal physical type. The most efficient way to meet new people is a combination of online and offline five hundred branches has your offline covered connect over brunch with new friends.

00:55:07 - 00:55:30

Come alone or bring a buddy. There's always a table full of friendly faces. Moses an eggs benedict sign up at five hundred branches dot com and use code date able for free entry to connect with us visit dateable. Podcasts dot com. You can also find us on facebook twitter and instagram. All under dateable podcasts.

Dateable Podcast
Yue Xu & Julie Krafchick

Is monogamy dead? Are we expecting too much of Tinder? Do Millennials even want to find love? Get all the answers and more with Dateable, an insider’s look into modern dating that the HuffPost calls one of the ‘Top 10 podcasts about love and sex’. Listen in as Yue Xu and Julie Krafchick talk with real daters about everything from sex parties to sex droughts, date fails to diaper fetishes, and first moves to first loves. Whether you’re looking to DTR or DTF, you’ll have moments of “OMG-that-also-happened-to-me” to “I-never-thought-of-it-that-way-before.” Tune in every Wednesday to challenge the way you date in this crazy Dateable world.