S5E6: Relationship (In)Experience

Dateable Podcast
October 17, 2017
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October 17, 2017

S5E6: Relationship (In)Experience

We discuss recognizing any form of experience as experience, building up your confidence, and overcoming the fear of getting physical (and your first kiss!).

Relationship (In)Experience

Ben tells us about his lack of relationship experience and the impact it's had on his dating life. We discuss recognizing any form of experience as experience, building up your confidence, and overcoming the fear of getting physical (and your first kiss!).

Episode Transcript

S5E6 Relationship (In)Experience

00:00:03 - 00:05:04

The Dateable podcast is an insider's look into modern dating that the Huffington post calls one of the top ten podcast about love and sex. On each episode, we'll talk to real daters about. From sex parties to sex droughts, date fails a diaper fetishes and first moves to first loves. I'm your host Yue Xu, former dating coach turned dating sociologists. You also hear from my co host and producer Julie Krafchick as we explored this crazy dateable world.

This episode of dateable is brought to you by five hundred brunches. Five hundred branches connect like minded people with similar interests to meet in real life brunch. You answer a questionnaire about your interest and how you spend your time. And then they'll match you in small groups of sixty eight at a brunch spot in san francisco get a free entry into brench now by signing up at five hundred brunches dot com and using the code date able everyone. Welcome to another episode of dateable. A show all about modern dating. Today i have a guest co host with me. His name is rich his former guest. Who's been on the show. But also someone. Who's extremely introspective. When it comes to dating Fortunately ladies he's already taken he just got married but he offers some great insight into dating and he actually will explore a little bit about like relationship. Coaching rights roach. Yeah so it's good to have you back says very timely to have you here today rich because our guest on it's always our guest for today. His name is ben he is. I'll just give you some stats in the no tell you exactly why he's here. He's almost thirty so happy early birthday been. He's been in san francisco for a year and a half originally from while now originally but he moved here from florida and the topic. Today is not having much of a relationship experience and what that means. Then i'll let you take it from here because of from the very little we know about your relationship background. Is that you you say that you don't really have much. What does that mean. it means. I've never actually they. You know seriously. I went out on dates. You know but i've actually never had a real relationship as defined by the standards of today's world and it's not rare right because if you think about it. Our priorities are changing back in the day. It was like find your megan. Mary have kids. You're done now. It's like get an education. Get a job. Get your life together being adult and then being relationship so it really doesn't surprise me that in these major cities we find people who haven't had much relationship experience because most of your adulthood your priorities were on work or on your academics So when you talk about you haven't had a serious relationship in the traditional sense of the word. how would you define what a relationship. It's all in a lot of ways. And i come from mosul traditional background so having go friend you know being most exclusive navigating around type of relationship so having the boyfriend girlfriend label guess. What's the longest you ever data. Someone that i dated. Somebody is just been on regular updates of actually never dated anybody for a long long term. What's the longest you've seen someone regularly a few days few. What's a few three or four four. What was the time span of the dates few weeks. Okay so a few weeks has been okay so few three or four days in the course of few weeks if none of those like middle ground. There's a lot of people that have their like mini relationships. Sita it's like you've they carry on for like three six months but they are not necessarily boyfriend girlfriend so none of that either. Do you have any speculation as to why that is or like y. Y you feel like you know. A lot of the stuff is because i was not ready to actually. Even my experience was very sheltered So action stem florida. Better going forward conor determine. What are the things i like and non link and it had to start with very simple stuff getting outside my comfort zone right even discovering how to dress properly. That was actually a thing that i did not know how to do so took me. You know a year to actually figure out read upon it how to dress a little bit better increase my coffins in that regard and then go from there. You know good for you. Because i feel like you know dating relationships. It's not a course that was taught in school so when people come out of schools and they go into the workforce. It's like you just jump into david and nobody teaches you how to do that. People think it's just magic poof. You find someone you like and then you become a relationship with them but what. You're discovering is that it's actually a self journey that you have to go through four. You're ready so the question is are you ready now for relationship. I'm still at that. I don't think i'm completely ready and a lot of it has to do as During college and proud the rest of my education years.

00:05:04 - 00:10:00

I really never dated. So i'm missing that part and i'm trying to catch up as quickly as i can in a non district of matter right gonna be very respectful to the people i date. I don't wanna waste your time all that stuff but it's very difficult to do that in a in a good matter because people here for example creamy flaky. So if you're honest you're almost seen as very weak and whatever. At what age did you start dating. Actually i started seriously dating last year. Oh so around. Twenty eight years old mom okay. So did you ever have girlfriends in elementary school or had infatuation among miles obsessed with drown the pretty much noodles in college years obsessed with warner two girls and nothing happened but i just kept going back to putting them on pedestal and go from there on very destructive in that way and actually That's the reason why for a lot of these girls now. I try not to 'cause that painting because it was very motion painful and draining process. You really liked the girl. Try to beat the nice guy to do everything for them. But obviously that's not the way to go so i hand you the what you're saying is hitting home for me so at some point after i came to the city i have to change my ways because it was obviously not working on. Keep putting the girls in the pedestal. There the best. I will do anything. But after while i found out. That's not the right way to go about it. I need to learn things to do things better. And the yeah been dating pretty much since end of last year and trying to learn what i like what i don't like and just trying to to meet a person that were compatible with your pretty new in this venue. What is it. Like while i while i want to ask you. What does having a girlfriend means gio. Mostly a personnel supports me. I support them back so through hard times in and no good times and the bad times of they say. I don't want somebody that you know. They're completed penalty me. I'm completely dependent on them will be nice if we're both independent but we share similar values and we go about it. You know each way. We have a difficult moment. We talk about it where open. That's important committees and having met anybody in the last year that you wanted to take that next step way. Yes but i think. I was scared because i don't have enough of that experience. Actually know what is that. When i find that person. How do i know. Because i have so little experience. When i meet that person that might say well. Maybe it's me or something else but I'm not up to that point. Second guess my gut tells me that because you're about to be thirty. A little bit of that is experience in the older. You get the the more perspective you gain and the more perspective you gain the more you over. Think things as i definitely you know. What's hard about the situation you're in. Is that if you were twenty. Two years old. And you're dating trying to figure out what you like. That it's like forgivable because it's like oh he's just young ri- trae girl what he likes at. Almost thirty women will meet you and say while at thirty he should be. He should know what he wants to be. Ready to a relation a lot of ways in a lot of times. Because i try to make sense of it but i think it's almost embarrassing for me to admit on the first dates that i don't have much experience saw. Beware in. i'll try to do everything. I can to make a good monitor. How these faults. And i will try to work with you but i don't really admit it on the first few days so you think it's a hindrance having in my mind litters yes. It's also interesting that you look at it as a law right right a lot of people at least from you know around that age yet. They would consider that a flaw so it's kind of reflecting on me as well because they have expectation which i'm not meeting and when they try to do something more physical actually sure how to proceed have you. Have you ever gotten a job where they thought you were capable of more than what you actually thought you could do right. I feel like you here. You kind of want some in a little bit of that. You know you don't wanna you may not want to let on too much because if you feel like you need the experience then you should probably be focusing on trying to get yourself to a point where you're more comfortable back and i think the only way to do that is just to go through through with it And then the more you do that the more you date around the more perspective you'll have and the more you'll understand what you want. What your needs are and sort of just how to navigate said. That's the other thing that's fine them for a lot of the girls. It might be hurtful to them. That say i need around And then i just leave. Because i don't know what i want. But elliott very hurtful so. I try to make sure that. I'm very honest. How do i do that very true. no way.

00:10:00 - 00:15:12

that's not damaging to them because this happens all the time right even will flavor goals and then is very hurtful. Honest right on. Maybe i'm just in that age category now but it's still very hurtful. Now you're right. So how do we make it in such way that it's a a good experience. First and foremost thing you must do is get over this idea that this is a flaw because we know lots of people who got married right out of college and guess what that was the first person they dated and now they're in relationship with them more mary. Those people didn't have any relationship experience. Either it's not a flaw. It's actually part of who you are. In fact it makes you a unicorn in some ways because you know some of us are like i'll win. It'd be great to meet a guy dated everyone in the ninety. Well there. you are ben sitting right next week so i you have to get over that. This is not a flaw. It's part of who you are and you're not going to hurt anybody if you communicate your feelings are you close to your mom. Okay so. I think that the test could be when my parents be proud of what i did right with my parents be. Okay with what i communicated. That's like the ultimate test of respect. And as long as you keep the women in the loop about hunger feeling. Ish shouldn't stop you from pursuing that relationship or seeing where it goes just because you have this sort of insecurity. I'm calling an insecurity that you have so when you say the most dates you've been on with someone it's like three or four days. What ultimately happens after those day will happen was they wanted to get more physical but i did. Not hope did not know how to proceed so app power. They show you that they wanna to get over text so after the three dates i guess they did not feel it so they asked. So what's going on. And that's revealed out because you didn't make a move in like stanford. Yeah that is that something. I look for when i'm dating someone if i don't get kissed by third date i'd be like it's there an interest tells me though. Is that girls like you. I mean that's true. Yeah okay. I'm here and i'm ready this great. Let's go. that's a really good way to look at that. I mean so to me. I think at the very least what you're doing so far seems to be working right and it seems like you. You might need to work on a little more confidence especially handling those situations because it is sort of uncharted territory. Ray and you know in a sense. It is also stepping outside of your comfort zone. And that's how you learn the most about yourself and that's how you're going to grow the most tonight taken some of the approaches. Where let's say i go on a few dates whom you women and a have a period of causing i reflect what i learned maybe a few months later i restart with what i've learned to be. You know to make sure that you know i. I'm pretty much better And i'll be more interesting to to women and so on so i do. Have those breaks because it can be very overloading. and then i'm not actually Spending quality time with those people. It's next one next one. You're also very systematic about this. Which which shows to me that you've taken your emotions out of the equation to some extent. Yes you're not going with your heart you're going with. Oh let's experiment. See what works than self reflect and then i take a break and then i do this and i do that invulnerable with a lot of the girls that i talked to is just not on different level. Okay okay. have you been physical with someone before on no okay. So that's that's scary right to go in for a kiss. I mean like to always terrifying. What are some unlike reflecting back to my very first kiss i was like i don't know eleven or something i dunno hussy but what was that like. What is that. What scares you about going in for that this What is the actual right moment when you actually proceed. As far as what's the move like. I mean you're not going to smooth line do like in the movie. A what is great that you are thinking things through by almost think you might be thinking like. I think it's like he just go for it and get that experience and even if that experience isn't necessarily a good experience like what's the worst that can happen is it's awkward or at least you got experience so i think like if you frame it like that it might be a view that once you get your first kiss. You're just gonna be unleashed gonna be like yes like. I'm going have a going along with this. Maybe you should have a drunken make out session right just like get it over. It's funny. I definitely want to draw attention to the irony of like having a guy who so thoughtful yes okay and so in just in just like so.

00:15:12 - 00:20:11

I don't know just just i know it. I feel like you're born in the wrong time. A ha this is not the these times are not the place for you to be appreciated. Really if you were born the fifties it'd be a different story. You're very respectable gentlemen. And that's you know that chivalry is not dead with you But but you are here into twenty seventeen in modern times so we need to talk about all the ways then get over these personal mental blocks that you have with all that stuff all the women. I went out on dates shoot. Great women surprise hearing all the horror stories. Yeah i really had a horst attracting. The wall rejected me. They did it in a nice weather like a really good time but of today's nothing. That's experience positive. Experience one thing about experience which i personally is interesting. It's like obviously everyone is on their own journey in like everyone has different experiences shapes who they are but i think like sometimes it's hard like i think you're at least what i keep hearing is like you're struggling with like almost thirty. Never been in a relationship but like is any if someone like had a relationship in high school or college when they weren't even an adult. Is that really like that much more of a leg up. it's not. I don't think it really is so i guess like the question to it's like how important is relationship experience in finding the one like ultimately. What are your thoughts. While i think relationship comes in many shapes and sizes. You have relationships with your parents at your guests. You have relationships with your friends a lot of that translates into a romantic relationship to. It's all about dealing with just another human being. That's all it. But i think what's happening here is when my mom always says she thinks i'm scared of marriage because frayed of divorce. I think you're scared of relationships because you're afraid of them not working out and guess what my mom was say this relationships to work out just let it be. You know if it doesn't work out it doesn't work out but it feels like you want to pursue further with someone. Let's remove the label relationship from the table right now. Let's just like nope. That's not even calling if you want to. If you want to pursue something deeper with someone you should just do it. You should go with your gut. And say i want to keep seeing you. I wanna see you on a more regular basis. Doesn't that doesn't have to be a relationship. But it's about progressing your interaction with another human being a another Another thing thing that comes to mind for me. Is that when you're dating someone. It doesn't need to be sixth gear or neutral you. Can you can downshift little and you and a part of being vulnerable. I think and being open and honest with them is to say maybe maybe in annual this is up to your own discretion In terms of like how open you want to be with them telling them about your relationship experience the way you view it. But i don't think it's really relevant. I'll think you need to bring it up but what you could say is. Hey i'm really interested in you. You know you know. i'm. I'm a genuine guy like i want a relationship but do you think we can. You know maybe go a little slower for some and tried to define what going slower. Because as we've heard with talking to other people sometimes going slow can be like. Oh what's this guy up to like what's going on. Why does he want to go. So slowly is not ready for a relationship right so you don't want to give that impression the only give off the impression that you know. You mean a lot to me. And i am the kinda guy that only likes the focus on one person to time and right now. That's you but in terms of my comfort level. This is how i would like to progress. Are you okay with that. Yeah and it's not. Where can we find a middle ground. And that is that is what being in a relationship is like it having those conversations it's making those compromises it's finding a middle ground it seeing the delta between you and this person and trying to land somewhere in the middle How early do you tell a girl you're going few dates with that. You haven't had much relationship experience. I usually the only one that happened was the third or fourth dates. The other ones progress past. So you don't so they don't know that you do tell them at all. I don't think so. Okay all right so that's gone. Yeah yeah i just wanna make sure you're not like going like. Hey i'm ben i haven't been relationship before. Also i think once that does come out. I think you have low insecurity about what happens when this company does come up. Because you're thinking is a red flag for girl to share. That and i will say okay. If i didn't know anything about you and i met you and we went on a three or four dates and you tell me you're almost thirty and you haven't been a relationship before i be thinking while what's wrong with him like what's what's been going on.

00:20:11 - 00:25:02

Then you have to have a great story right and your story is to be perfectly honest. I it just wasn't a priority in my life for a long time. And now i wanted to make it a priority and that's end of story. You don't need to explain. You don't need to over explain it. You don't need Say that sheltered or you put women on a pedestal. You don't need to go. In any of that. Storing it was not a priority. Now it is a priority. It is something i'm looking for dot yup and something that i try to live by is knowing who i am and and knowing that i want to find someone who accepts me for that person yeah and so in that moment if and when it does come up and she says tell me about your last relationship or how did that end and you say actually. I've never been in one before i mean. So what like you. Don't make a big deal. Yeah any you know like what are we doing tomorrow. How you're just moving right along. No don't make it such a big blip on the radar. Just bring it up nonchalantly say it matter of factly answer the question for what it is and if it's a problem she'll let you know and if it's not a problem then you'll see for on season one. We had a matchmaker friend of ours. Courtney talked about like a woman client of hers that had never been on a deep at ever and like she just didn't have confidence because of what we're talking about. She basically meet like urged her to think about like friends and family. Like what you were saying earlier. So i think like anything you can take about like how i been like a great partner to one of those people like that could help boost that confidence up to yes definitely It's all about owning your story. And i think rich is so good at owning his story because he was divorced and data and half to not using divorce as sort of insecurity but more as an explanation of who you are so maybe you can talk more about like how you brought up your divorce because i actually see parallels in in this well in the beginning it was something i was ashamed of. Because you're you're mad with someone a divorce is seen you know in in a lotta as a failure of that marriage and as a person. No one likes to think that they failed. No one likes to draw attention to that right and so i would just kind of be like. Hey i'm rich know other what divorced it comes out right and then when it comes up. Initially i did feel shame and was his kinda like i felt like i wanted to explain it away. Like hey you know wasn't me. It wasn't it wasn't like don't please let that scare you away. I promise you. I would work very very hard to but my ended the relationship because this is really what i care about yet and believe it or not alert lot from that marriage and you're going to benefit from that like i would initially. It was this the shame of not wanting to bring it up. And then after a while i started to realize you know what i should i should own it because if because if i'm with someone for nine months and then she finds out that i was friends back yet right and so that you're ashamed of it and so and so then it's like okay. Well when do i bring it up. But why even why even go down that path. Yes it's who you are yet like so when it comes up it comes up but it you know for me recognizing the sensitivity of being prior bringing apart marriage and recognizing that some women want to be the first one and my life. I thought it was more important to bring up sooner than later. Because i felt like she deserved to know that. Hey you know that sacred thing that you're looking for i kinda did it one time before like i'm like you know how would you bring it up. What would you actually say to these women. I'm actually divorced. Sometimes it would just be as the block is that like just you know I just want to bring this up now. Just like i'm divorced. That's not a deal breaker for you. Because this is how i feel about you and blah blah blah blah and just kind of you know just go into it like that but i think i'm the kind of person that respects people that are blunt open and honest with me and i like to think that i am understanding and i like to think that i give you the forum to really express yourself without making you feel shame for it and that's what i wanna partner and so for me. It's also a test. It's like hey. I'm going to drop this on you and how you handle. It will tell me if we're going to work or not. I remember I dated this divorce guy ones and our first date. He said i'm divorced. I love my wife dearly.

00:25:02 - 00:30:01

We got along really well and we grew apart and but it doesn't it doesn't make me want to marry someone any less. I still believe in marriage and he said that so. I thought that was a really positive way of spinning. So view. Took those words and spun it to your own story. Which is. I've never been a relationship before i enjoyed my single life right. I enjoyed all the other things. I put as priority before that the now. I'm at a point where i'm ready to to start a life with someone that's a really great spin on like hey. I chose that life before it's part of ym. I had a great time. You can't you can't be like. Oh i was just like sulky for thirty years and i wanna girlfriend so bad. You don't want someone to think that you because you weren't like that. I had other priorities. I got my life together. And now i feel so good about where i am in my life. I'm ready to start life with someone. I think rich said something interesting though because i think i agree with all of that but i do think like women winston has when they hear. Someone hasn't been relationship. They think they are not committed. Like they don't wanna Like they're not emotionally mature like all of that that's like the bells that go off Opposed to like inexperienced. So i think like like you were saying about how when you brought up being divorced then followed it up with how great you were having like. How great you felt about your current date like i think like following it up with something that makes you seem like more emotionally connected akkad way to balance that yup definitely. I want to go back to this. Physicality factor because. I do think it's nerve-racking. Have you been on these dates with women where you wanted to kiss them. Of course okay and west stopped you fear fear of what rejection rejection and then it's also insecurity saudi. Actually do it your. How do you actually do it. How do you actually go in for the kiss right. I think that goes back to like really over thinking it. A ha like. There's no magic formula for going in for the kiss you kind of go in. It's scary scary area like do i. Lean into grabber face. Do i say something he should. I punch her up. How you doing. But how d- how do you go in without making it awkward. So this is. This is what i was saying to you. I'm not. I've never been a situation where i was like How do i lean in this first. Kiss with someone. But this is how i would think about it. You're in the driver seat. Okay you driving the date. You're driving the situation so in the moment. Don't over. Think in the moment when you think how. I really liked to kiss girl. I really wanna do it. You just drive that car and you just drive your face into her face. Go for it. Go step on the gas pedal right. How else would you do it. Or maybe get comfortable with like physical touch. Or i'm not sure know often if you like touch hurley leg or arm if she says funny like me. He's starting their acting up the vibe on that and just making her more receptive to you know what this is. This is very. This is actually really interesting. So as a guy who cares so much about how you come across to women and how you treat them going in for the kiss actually like a clear violation of their space right. I mean it's society kind of shuns on just taking action against the women when you when you feel so inclined right and that is that's what goes through my mind. That's what makes it hard for me to just get a slap me. Hey yeah oh my god. I'm about to go against everything. I've ever been about respecting women and true and i kind of think she's expecting me to just lean in and do this but i don't read the signs and but what are the signs. Am i reading her correctly. Be wrong we'll she call the cops on me. I exactly. and then that's that was the thought process that i would sort of get into and then they would just evolved from there and believe it or not more often than not the girls ided word. The aggressors maybe that's need. I want you and for me unfortunately. That's the kind of girl that i needed to find or the ones that were like. You know what this do something about him. I'm just gonna right. I was going to just take it by the reins and for me. I i loved it it was it was great and then once i got to my comfort level it was like oh. Hey here last night. It's it's hard because it feels like a moral in 'cause you're like i am.

00:30:01 - 00:35:05

I disrespecting her by going in for the kiss. But you're not because obviously by the feedback. You're getting these women want you to come in for the kiss by virtue of you. not doing. That makes them think that you're not interested or this is not you know. It's not a romantic romantic situation. So i would say. Would julie said start with the nice little touches here and there her back. You know just a little. Bit of recession patie- snus and if she doesn't back away that's a great side and never do this because i really hate it when guys do this. Maybe julie has a different opinion but never ask if you can kiss. I like though. I i really don't like it. All comes down to if you like the person who don't yeah but why don't you like it because it it to me. I need someone to take charge. I need someone to go in for the kiss and by some be like can i have a kiss or you know. I think now's a good time. I had a guy. I think now's a good time for a kiss. And i'm like calculated appeals clinically. Like i don't know if i'm necessarily opposed to it like someone that i was into. And they were shire and they asked it and like it's the tone of how you say it. Yeah for you like you're saying you want you want a man that was more aggressive. Yeah but maybe like we. We're saying you need someone that is just gonna like do that or doesn't care or wants someone that isn't as aggressive so it could work can just think you know what now or never was now or never write you know or so when you get those texts after the fact when they seem a little disappointed. Why didn't you make a move. How genuine generally respond to explain. Whatever toward you guys don't have enough experience so have you tried saying something like. Oh i'm i actually that in the moment who and i'm so sorry i wasn't sure. Yeah exactly so. That's because because it's it's a it's a good way of not entirely just not entirely just talking about you know what your insecurities are but but acknowledging that you feel the same did feel it in the moment. She's not off base. she's not crazy. It's not her and that you'll make up for next time and then you set up the next day right okay. Great way just a great way. I should do there. You got within the next time. Gotta follow allah thorough. I think you have to think about like okay when she if someone's you can't always think go back to your insecurity of not having relationship experience to explain your actions because to me if you didn't kiss me on day wanting to kiss me and you explain it by saying you have no experience that'd be like what is this guy. Want that so us. If you explain like in the way that rich explained it. I felt it too. I want go in for the kiss. I'm not letting you go next time. That's hot and sexy to just be like i want to respect you. Your space. right girl will marry wasn't bashar Yeah yeah i wasn't. I wasn't sure of you be receptive. I definitely want to kiss you. I'm very attracted you something complimentary. I've we've given you a lot of information. this is not making. What are your thoughts. I mean i'll learn from this experience and try to apply. I guess that's it for me. I just have to get more experience than break out of that comfort zone and the fear insecurity. So it's gonna be rough but when it does happen it's going to be a good feeling but again it's just that one hump don't go bungee jumping goon dial your right to it. Also i think that saying that you need more. Experience is kind of one of those patule thing. Yeah yeah because we all always could use more experience met at a anything and if you don't set clear goals or clear boundaries clear expectations than it. Something you're sort of giving yourself an out forever And if you really want to move forward and relationship you will start to need to be a little more definitive about something you need to start setting more boundaries for yourself. Maybe be a little more difficult with yourself by like you really you have experience and maybe maybe like you should frame it that way that way like you do have experience. You have plenty of experience from what i understand. I i mean from what i know about women. They from what you've said like they want to be you right that really all it takes. That's all you need is for someone like you and you like them back and then it's relationship time i think also i just don't think it has any indication of how good a partner you will be.

00:35:06 - 00:40:06

That's the hurdle like it. I mean we hear about women that these guys that are just like all over the place in juggling tons and tons of women and maybe they've had real religious. Maybe they've not like. How has that person any better suited to be in a relationship with them than someone with no experience. It's debatable the price of a no experience might actually be better so yeah. I don't think you should let it be the thing that holds you back again. They should definitely not hold you back. In fact it makes you stand out and it makes you different than other people. You have not dated all of san francisco. That's attractive right there. I want you to take away from this. I think it's good to hear what we think that ultimately it's what you want and that in your heart should be driving the situations you're in so on a date of thinking. What's my next step worship. My i ask next next win. Should i tax put all that away and think. What do i want in this moment. Do i want to spend more time with what this woman do. I want to go in for the kiss and just follow your heart. You just you just have to follow your heart or i try to turn off your brain if possible because it's like you're just wanna be having a conversation you wanna be thinking like when what do i want out of this conversation. Just have a conversation. Yes i think like if you're over thinking you're not. You're coming off distracted. Potentially women don't like they want someone who is a resident which short on very present in the moment so nine just add them to sing the inner dial off. Because i can already see you thinking about what's next question. What am i going to do next. And i think you should also think about like On a date. It's it's a converse. Chew a street so instead of thinking. Let's just take relationship out of the equation of like once and for all. Don't think about it. Am i trying to get into a relationship is my lack of relationship hindering. My you know my ability to get in relationship. Just take that word out. You're just trying to find someone that you wanna spend more time with. That is it that is it ultimately so stop putting so much pressure on yourself to think it's going to be turned into a relationship. Are we going to define this. No it's just about wanting to spend more time and it's just two people want wanna spend more time together and that that frequency becomes more more and then that's when you get in relationships naturally snowballs so don't think about this a defining moment of be a relationship. This is it. it doesn't happen like that iraq. Yup it's very. It's a very organic. Process vary in some other takeaways. I have are just. You can't force a relationship to happen. It just naturally happens but both people have to be in. That same moment wanted to happen Lack of relationships should not impact your confidence at all. It's not the lack of relationships is just you just have different relationship background that someone else right up and everyone has a different background every single person in the different background. You're no different than someone who's been married right out of college and recently got divorced and the thrown into modern dating and they have no idea ailing acts and all that like dates. What is no idea. You're no different than some like that. Your background is what defines who you are today. Put a positive spin on that we talked about. When you explain your your relationship background. You enjoy your time. You had other priorities. You worked on yourself in your life to get it all together and now you're at a point on good point in your life that you're ready for something to happen right to share your life so just don't even say relationships just gives you so much pressure any other takeaways. I think that was good. I think just like also the flip side of not necessarily getting into a relationship out of fell like it asked the right person being relationship. And don't feel like you have to overcompensate because you don't have any relationship experience so it ends up that way because it's really a nonfactor shouldn't even cross your mind to be honest. yeah absolutely. Don't worry about extreme people along because you are not gonna do that. It's true the fact that you're thinking about this much beans Not do that. you may be you just. Don't just exploring each other and it could come to a place where you no longer want to explore with some right. That's okay maybe do them seattle also like it's just the way the dating is and also just to be a little more concrete about that the way i tend to define stringing someone along is knowing that for whatever reason something about them is incompatible with what i am looking for.

00:40:06 - 00:45:03

Yeah i am still here. Yeah how straight years. The difference between that and just figuring it out correct sounds like is about figuring it out. That's why it's so hard because you're constantly having to to explain who you are to the next person to know them and it takes a lot of energy from you and so that is part of the process right but if you have already identified that there's something about her that isn't going to work for you and don't tell her that it won't work and you continue to see her stringer. Yeah that's a really good point like a very different perspective that got k. Shall we a. Oh take it away. Julie's so we have a question from lisa. I'm at the sky. That seems great. But he's close to forty and still single is something wrong with him. Run just kidding. No absolutely absolutely not. We can't judge people by their age and life stage in life choices. I think everyone's on a different journey and some people are just you know very very different journey than you. So we can't judge people for the choices that they've made in their life. Now my only question to lisa will have you expressed your concern with this guy. I think he needs to know that. Maybe you have these concerns and this is this is raised. Some sort of red flag communicate those concerns and he will hopefully have a great story to tell you that defines who he is today. I think you just can't judge on each also you unless especially if you haven't had the conversation like the blanket statement like oh he's forty and he's also you're single right so that's one thing but then like i know there's this guy that we know that like seat he comes off as like this like forty year old. Frat bro bro. A half but he actually turns out that he was married. Really young lost his wife till like an illness in his just like. I can't love the way i did once before. And that's that is a totally different perspective than just looking at him current. You don't know what people's pass on writing our. I would try to ask better questions to help. Inform exactly why that is and the uae will tell you whether or not it's a red flag But at the same time. I think what's the most important is that they have the qualities that you want in a person that you find yourself in a relationship with and to me. Those qualities are can we compromise. Can we communicate openly and honestly. Can we have fun together. You know. Can i be myself around you. And if if you're able to to get to know him and see those things in him and see that he's willing to try to be that person as well then it might be worth a shot but some of us are just a little more career focused and then we kind of look up and then realize oh wow forty and i don't wanna die alone right and i need to. I need today. I need to get out there. And he's a find someone. And so i wouldn't. I wouldn't rule someone out that in and of itself could be a little bit of you know shallow way to look at and there's a lot more to people than than that. You said something that. I think venture here again. Is that know heart of finding partners that you could be yourself around them so if find yourself being on these dates with girls where you feel tense. You thinking about the next step. You're not being yourself. Think when you do become yourself everything else becomes a lot more natural and your with the right person of your yourself too so thinking about that when you're on your next date and to piggy back on that the best way to to do that is to meet people while you're doing the things you love of because in so doing your naturally being yourself and if that attracts them to you then you already have in common a good point that's awesome. Let's wrap this up listeners. We want to hear about your relationship experiences. I've met so many people actually who's who's hussein. Who are in the same boat as you ben who haven't had that much relationship experience and they feel like it is a hindrance on their daily life and it shouldn't be so we want to hear from you we also want to hear from people who've been in a ton of relationships and still haven't found someone they wanted to be relationship with. What happened this all the time now. Like one is guaranteed to find you. The one who's not. It's not a formula at all. But i also want to pin you out because you're a single right. Obviously you're not I wanna pick you up. Because i want you know some of our listeners. To know that then a single and he's a very very nice young man and if you're interested in being set up with then let us know and we'll set you up and hopefully he can go in for that first.

00:45:03 - 00:47:44

Kiss with one of you be amazing liberty yourself or a even introduce yourself kids awesome. Let's wrap this up again. I want to remind everyone. We have a brand new revamped website with amazing content. Guys need to check it out. Dateable podcasts dot com on that note last but not least stained all your action. Item for this week is to do a little bit of self reflection here. Think about all the things that are holding you back and negatively impacting your confidence especially when it comes to dating now reflect on those what you would call flaws but i call it character building and own up to them figure out a way for yourself to explain these quote unquote flaws into shaping who you are today and because we're all works in progress. Think about how you want to better yourself. Going forward announcement announcement. I will be hosting a panel discussion on tech n d being at general assembly tomorrow night. Which is thursday october nineteenth from six thirty to eight pm. It's a free event. We have a great group panelists from three day rule. The league coughing spayed goal and the goal of the discussion is to find ways in which technology can help us versus hindering or distracting us from finding love and we want everyone to walk away with actionable ways to make technology work for them instead of against them. You can find the link to that event either on the general assembly website or on any of our dateable social media if you didn't know already in our off season we launched a premium series called the white series where we dissect analyze and solutions to some of the most common dating conundrums. Great feedback on. How actionable these episodes are so. Check it out on our website under the tab why series or you can now buy directly from eighteenth music. The most efficient to meet people is a combination of online and offline five hundred branches has your offline covered connect over brunch with new friends. Come alone or bring buddy. There's always a table. Full of friendly faces mimosas. An eggs benedict sign up at five hundred branches dot com and use the code date able for free entry to connect with does visit dateable. Podcast dot com. You can also find us on facebook twitter and instagram. All under dateable podcasts.

Dateable Podcast
Yue Xu & Julie Krafchick

Is monogamy dead? Are we expecting too much of Tinder? Do Millennials even want to find love? Get all the answers and more with Dateable, an insider’s look into modern dating that the HuffPost calls one of the ‘Top 10 podcasts about love and sex’. Listen in as Yue Xu and Julie Krafchick talk with real daters about everything from sex parties to sex droughts, date fails to diaper fetishes, and first moves to first loves. Whether you’re looking to DTR or DTF, you’ll have moments of “OMG-that-also-happened-to-me” to “I-never-thought-of-it-that-way-before.” Tune in every Wednesday to challenge the way you date in this crazy Dateable world.