S6E10: F*CK Tinder

Dateable Podcast
April 24, 2018
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April 24, 2018

S6E10: F*CK Tinder

We talk about the good, the bad, and the ugly of dating apps, strategies not to become jaded, and how it can be ultimately worth it in the end.

F*CK Tinder

David tells us about his experience with Tinder that resulted in many dates, many stories, and ultimately the creation of F*ck Tinder: a love story. We talk about the good, the bad, and the ugly of dating apps, strategies not to become jaded, and how it can be ultimately worth it in the end.

Episode Transcript

S6E10 F*CK Tinder

00:00:00 - 00:05:01

The Dateable podcast is an insider's look into modern dating that the Huffington post calls one of the top ten podcast about love and sex. On each episode, we'll talk to real daters about. From sex parties to sex droughts, date fails a diaper fetishes and first moves to first loves. I'm your host Yue Xu, former dating coach turned dating sociologists. You also hear from my co host and producer Julie Krafchick as we explored this crazy dateable world.

This episode of dateable is brought to you by five hundred brunches. Five hundred branches connects like minded people with similar interests to meet in real life over brunch. You answer a questionnaire about your interest and how you spend your time. And then they'll match you. In small groups of sixty eight at a brunch spot. In san francisco get a free entry into a brench now by signing up at five hundred brunches dot com and using the code date able. Hey everyone welcome to another episode of dateable show all about modern dating and i know that when we talk about modern dating you guys have given us a lot of your tinder nightmares stories. Things have happened to you not just on tinder but also eating but we have a guest here today who's actually created a show around tinder nightmare stories. It's called fuck tinder. A love story and david here with us. David doing great thank you. I like how the name of the show is fucked hinder. Let's talk a little bit. I wanna give you guys a little background. On david is he is forty seven years old originally from stamford connecticut. He's been in san francisco for three years. And this is what he wrote into us. He said quote unquote. I went on dates with one hundred and twenty women in two years looking for love and finding everything else i was was invited to acid parties and sex clubs but mostly dealt with a day in and day out obsession with apps like tinder wondering if anyone likes me. And if i'm going to die alone in a vice you go back to talking the old fashioned way on. Okay cupid david. You are in a committed monogamous relationship. Now aren't you i am. It's fairly new and there is an epilogue now to fuck. Tinder will is required. Because of this. Fuck ten yeah. Tell us what that is sure. So i moved up to san francisco three years ago. I i fall in love san francisco when i was seventeen years old and i always wanted to live here. Because this city feels like it is a physical embodiment of freedom like an every kind of way artistically sexually just everything but I've worked in theatre and music and film and tv and san francisco never felt like it was a place that i could i could work. There's no industry here. There's not much But what happened was About three and a half years ago. I was living in los angeles and one random night. My girlfriend quite unexpectedly broke up with me. And i went out for a walk to think about what that meant and where i was gonna move to and while i was on my walk that night. I got held up at gunpoint in la near fairfax at olympic shit. And it wasn't some actor practicing You like let me check your list after that happened. I'm like what are the chances this all happens the same night. It felt like the universe was trying trying to send me a message. But i didn't know what it was and then the next day old trend from san francisco called me up and said david i heard about what happened. You need to get the hell out of l. a. And i need a roommate. Move up her. thanks. So i was like okay. That's that's what i'm supposed to be doing. So i did really without any plan when i came up here. It was the first time. I've been single in a while and i've been living with someone who you we were talking about kids. You know serious serious stuff and suddenly single in a brand new city. And i'd never use dating apps before i dated online dating apps it's different it's yeah So i had to figure that. Out and also figuring out in san francisco. And i was hit with a lot of very strange things pretty well. Okay so one of the things that i actually love. Was that on my very well. I downloaded tinder. I ride the day before. New year's and i went to a what looked like the coolest party i could find on new year's which was this party at the armory i exactly their king dot com is still shooting all of the videos. Important there. they've now moved to vegas. Because francisco still armories purely just for event better launching huge events now shooting for okay but i was thinking well. All kinds of sexy people are going to be out looking for time. I've just arrived in town. Let's get into some trouble.

00:05:01 - 00:10:01

I go there and for three hours. I'm wandering around. And it feels like burning man has been lifted up over. Dropped down to the armory. Everyone's dressed so sexy. And i cannot figure out how to start a conversation with a single person there. Everyone is with their own little pod with their little tribe with the burning men friends. And i literally don't talk to anyone for four hours and i walk home alone at the rain three in the morning so the next day. I'm like screw this. I'm going to do what i actually wanted to because i never have a good time in years anyway and i didn't know why i thought i would. This time feels the same way as bad as valentine's both of them the expectations mature our not. my favorite. on new year's you must be hiring someone to kiss. Yes valentine's you have to be like your loving thing. Matic horrible for both of them so i come home and the next morning. I'm like screw it. I'm going to do what i wanted to do. I downloaded tinder for the first time i've been hearing about goes down. I've been hearing through for a while. Tinder is all about like you know free sex now and it was really exciting so i go on strike matching with people left and right and within a day i had fifteen conversations going on simultaneously and i make a horrible mistake. I try and get to know people who shot toby about within a week. All the conversations have dissipated. I know so. I literally would back to about a week later dating build fashioned way on okay. Cupid and booth in a day. I had a date. Get to the show right. You're doing now. So what actually happened. Was i do a lot of live storytelling moss and porchlight body storytelling. And i'm always looking for material and I started going on these dates and some dates were wonderful Some people i would date for a period of time and for whatever reason it wouldn't work out but then the be these ethically horrible dates and not even just horrible just sort of like i cannot believe that happened podcast about it telling my friends and do things sort of begin to hone the story there and then i take it to one of these storytelling events and it didn't occur to me at first that this was going to add up into an entire evening i've done about. This is my seventh full length solo show so i develop things like this before but never been quite this way. I didn't know what it was it. I it was all these little vignettes a horrible date here. Horrible day there and then After about a year what happened was i was complaining more than anyone else to my gay best friends in town and they would give me their advice and after a year of this. Their advice was david. Stop dating online. Delete all of your apps in fact stop dating or an entire month and they had just gotten married and like you know how we met. We both went off of online dating and we both went on dating fats. And if we hadn't done that we wouldn't have been here to meet the other person. I resisted this at first. But eventually i took their advice after one more really bad tinder dake and i deleted all of my apps and it was at that point that i realized i had developed an addiction over the course of one year because some to the club i know i know but sometimes you have to really go off of it absolutely because i tell myself grabbing my phone and i'm like oh no the guy is gone and why was i going from my phone anyway. Yeah you know it was just was for a little bit validation world like me. Yeah i got that desperate point at times especially late night after drink or a toke where i'd be like lying in bed swiping anyone to see anyone and then i would match them and then i would have this. Oh i should probably look and actually take a look at their profile and their other fix. And i would then get really judgmental and then i would either leave them there. Write them or i would delete them. Isn't that interesting with online dating you. Swipe your hoping for validation yup but once you get the validation somehow you become the upper hand that you get really picky and it's a little bit like you know honestly and here's the thing the apps of game fide dating and in the way that game i dating it makes it feel like amazon. You're up late drink. You buy a pair of shoes two days later this show your apartment like oh these amazon. You get to read reviews if tender. I would read those reviews all night long. I'm actually somewhat baffled. That there isn't a youtube style dating.

00:10:01 - 00:15:05

They tried that. But we i think that. What was that car really mean. Yeah unless you ask your friend to writer of you. No one else can go write a review. Especially if they're trying to date you ask a bunch of other fueled screwed over the had to change course. Did he do something different now. They're trying to dating app to like if you had any of you. Read a review in. Someone's like oh my god. David was like the best in bed and we have such an uneasy night positive you what do you read. So actually what happened was like literally made a spreadsheet that time when we went to the bar and then this crazy thing happened And i realize i had so much material wouldn't fit in the film And then later. I had a friend Doing the national book riding month in november. So he was going to write a book and he's like david do this with me. I don't know if i really wanna do. Come on other stories. Just write them down. I'm like okay. Maybe it'll really motivate me so i wrote about Sixty thousand words in one month which is like what's going to turn out to be. Maybe half the book. After i added the down and what it made me realize was that. There's a treasure trove of material and i actually didn't see a working on stage because there's too much and it's a doing it over a two year period of time. This is november twenty sixteen. I was in the midst of the most interesting exciting traumatic part of my dating. Because i just met someone that i fell in love with and then what happened with that. We david for three and a half months and she dumped me for what reason that this is the heart of the show. Okay six tender part. This is the worst road so the fucked under the show is an actual like one story or is it vignettes still. The first half are vignettes. That essentially prepare you for what that dating world is like for how there before i finally meet some who i truly be without it. Who then dumps you tragedy. Show that you're taking nationwide so fuck tinder in los angeles last summer. I'm doing it in san francisco piano five. And then i'm taking it on tour so i'm bringing it to australia and This summer i'm hitting a whole bunch of different Venues some of which are fringe festivals and others are theaters that Just like my work. And i'm curious then. So there's there's quite a few shows. There's tinder rela actually dating a tinder nightmares I think it's an interactive play. Go up talk about their tenders race. I wanna hear about what are some. Give us a glimpse of some of the stories. You tell on your show okay. This is my first tinder date ever took weeks before. I actually figured out how to get from the app to meeting someone in person. Okay so i'd matched with about fifty different people. All of which the conversations just disappeared. Over time i was so confused as to who was who like started inspire spreadsheet to track people and finally. I realize you just need to suggest meeting them immediately. Yeah so. I matched with some on on a sunday afternoon. I'm like hey. Do you want to get a drink tonight. And she writes back and says yes. I'm very very thirsty. And i'm like oh that's suggestive. That sounds exciting. Empire casino at this point. I also had realized that. I missed the golden age of tinder. Where it really was just a straight persons grinder because half the people i matched with hadn't the profiles in all caps know how hokey but since she was very very thirsty. I thought maybe she was using during the old fashioned way so we need up this wine bar downtown and she looks better than her pictures on excited. This is great. I sit down and mike. Hey it's my first. Tinder this is awesome. And she's like your first. That's terrible like what no it's that's why the notes great first cer- great in every culture you know think about beginner's luck and a jewish and we say shahaki on for every new thing she's like no you understand. This is like when you're interviewing someone for a job. Never hire the first person and unlike totally hire you but she was completely undeterred. Listen whatever you do just don't ask me any stupid questions. Guys always asked me these idiotic. Things no small talk to jack. Don't ask me where i'm from in fact you know what from now on everyday on the go on. I am not going to say a word until a guy asks me something interesting and the asti something stupid.

00:15:05 - 00:20:00

I'm going to have a sheet of paper. Typical things the guys asked me. And i'm just gonna slide it over to him so he can see what he just did so you can tell he's just such an idiot. Oh damn she is crotchety cavs thinking horrible person. Go but i also thought you're still really hot and so like okay. I have to continue on. But she wouldn't let up for another ten minutes. She just kept on going about a horrible. Dating was finally excused myself to the bathroom for a second. And i'm thinking like i have to pull myself together. Turn the state around. But i went to the bathroom. I looked down the hallway and there was a door off for once. I didn't leave a bag or a jacket at mesa could never done this. I've heard people do this. And we add someone on our podcast. I had done to her. Oh god yup. I don't so. I go to the bathroom like no dave. You have to be gentlemen be tinder but you still have to have some veils ally. No no go back. And i'm like i'm gonna. I'm gonna turn this whole thing around and soon as i get back. She leaps from her seat says well i haven't really got to go see a. She's gone perfect. Okay yeah that worked out. Well lucky for the bills. She only finished half a drink. She was not very very thirsty Like twenty minutes twenty like what the hell mile. So i call newburgh on the way home. I told the uber driver would happen and He's from some other country but he seemed to know our customers better than i did. And he's like your first and you're asking the uber driver for advice on your dating offered all right and he's like oh man you totally screwed up. I'm like what what are you talking about. It's like she just wanted to fuck you know. I wanted to fuck her if she wanted to fuck me. I think it would have noticed. And he's like not can turn it around here. Just have texter. Mike do the dates over. There's no texting. No no hold. On a second. And i realized he has taken home so many women sure after bad day to exactly what they wanted down. This is the advice to everyone. After all right. Just ask your over exactly like my my diversion. Ha i'm like okay. Tell me the most beautiful thing that every woman wants to hear. How do i turn this around. He's like hold on okay and he says right her car mike. I'm waiting for like this. Poetry says okay anticipation. What color are your panties. Dude no no no no no no i can't will not right that that's misogynistic. This is why there's like this toxicity between men and women and digitally goes shit like this. I hear. pnd's and he's like. Are you going to get laid tonight and like no. The only person on going home with is you. Don't care what color your panties are. A try so i text her you deal. She writes back instantaneously translucent. I don't like what she respond to that. After ending the date in such an abrupt fashion. I'm like man. This guy knows what he's doing so he starts dictating to me the entire ride home. She's getting so turned on. She's about to invite me back to her place. We're about to turn the car around guy and finally she's do early morning and he gives me one last piece of advice which is not to text her. I i hate those fucking games. It's just stupid. Don't know i'm not going to hear from her again but been four thirty the next day get one texture. Her in it says what's up purves. God if think. I'm a perv waving rent. I don't understand what you want. Earning she's flirting. So i try. I try to channel my best uber driver. And i think without stone we can invite me over right then and then the end. She's like listen. You seem really nice. But i'm just not feeling the same magic hoover driver had sushi ended it there and i've heard from her ever since this is a okay. That's incredible nobody many many aspects of al one question for you. You said like you try to make small talk of people but then you just got the point and was like. Do you wanna meet for a drink story. Was that the bulk of the way up with people or did you do any like more conversation qualifying purse. It's time to take a quick break so we can tell you about the latest service. We have been building over at dateable. We'll be offering a platform to connect you with vetted.

00:20:00 - 00:25:00

Dating experts from our network to help with everything from dating profile reviews coaching to see where you're getting stuck in dating and even waste to get real feedback about your dating style. The sessions typically run from thirty minutes to an hour and can all be done via skype or google hangouts. So you can be anywhere. We're so excited about this. Because so many of you wrote in asking how you can find people to help up your dating games and this should be a great way to get personalised affordable advice. We'll be adding more coaches and more services. In of course let us know. There's something specific you like to see to meet the coaches and book your session today. Visit dateable podcasts. Dot com slash coaching. Now back to the show. Any like war conversation qualifying. I is in before meeting them. Yeah i found On tinder in particular attempts at longer conversation usually didn't go on. Okay cupid I found people. Didn't want to engage in conversation and some people specifically said they wanted to talk to me beforehand but i was extremely reluctant after a certain period to ever propose having a conversation beforehand. Because i've found simply asking for a woman's number on okay. Cupid tender for that matter Met with such strong resistance. Sometimes they didn't wanna share that information. They felt it a violation. So they're like yeah. People would shut down again after. I asked for the phone number except for me personal like if a guy was like want me for a drink without any conversation that would not do it. Sure like i need to be warmed up a little. There's a line like you don't wanna go on forever and ever making small top. I would never give someone my number after dislike one line. But i know what you think. I just think it's unfortunate that people are so resistant to giving away numbers before a meeting in person. But they're so easy to jump at a like a last minute date and museum in real life. Don't you think it's a lot safer to talk to someone the phone as opposed them in real life. This is why. I have google voice number. You don't have to give away. Your real number is free and everybody should have google voice number and give that out but i really do think you need to filter better before these days. I expect the women who are resistant have had bad experiences. So totally get it. I get it. I think it's just like what's that line because you don't wanna be like chatting forever never leading your but then i don't know it's it's hard if you don't know anything about so you were met with more resistance when you ask for a versus to saying let's get a drink on tinder. Yes now. I still often tried to switch to texting. I find it a it. I see those quicker. Sometimes i get all my notifications. And i know it feels like you've made a step like that is actually a level of commitment to share a number and begin acting with someone instead of dealing with them on. The app doesn't mean it's going to go anywhere. And i mean like i i actually did a statistical analysis of all the people whom i contacted all the people who might dated over this to your period and I went to the hundred and twenty different women but that is about only fifteen percent of the women who my matched with and that's on bumble. The league i try to all of the apps right. I don't know if. I have a favorite. But i've wanted to like bumble. The most i enjoy the actual physical interface of the app. And i love the idea that women were making choice. She conversation the funny thing is on on. Okay cupid i feel like it's the highest bar of conversation. People want something pithy in some way something. More substantial and a lot of women criticized men antonelli in their profile. Saying don't just say yeah yup all they can do is like hey up see what it's like but on the other foot it's hard to start a conversation. Is the issue with dating. We hear the same complaints from men and women but we do the exact same things others. So why don't we actually change our own behaviors before we complain about the opposite sex slave other ways that you would like qualify days like age ranges that you went after or like anything that was like that sounds like obviously the one girl just brought up in the story like you didn't know much about her going it get a tray. I knew nothing about her. I i i've a picture of her in her. First name right So for me. Over the two years.

00:25:00 - 00:30:04

I went through cycles where i was more interested in what i got here. Just wanted to like sample and seeing what san francisco newly single so. I don't want to get locked down in this actually leads into another interesting conversation. I started dating someone. And i still wanted to keep on dating and i didn't want to do anything behind your back so i'm like. Hey i wanted to let you know. I really like you but i don't and i i really fumbled with how to say this and finally like you want to be. Non monogamous. sure that's fun. What was the problem like. Oh you're totally. She's like yeah. I mean i never wanna get married. No have kids. So what's the point. Okay so it was really interesting so my first six months here. I had one person who i would see at least one sometimes two or three times a week and one of the things that you know in quote unquote traditional dating things that come up of the reason of the relationship that i've been in los angeles ended. It ended when she asked me the question. So where's this going really And when you change the end point of what the idea of dating is if it's no longer Looking to end marriage or in children or monogamy even then. Everything gets put into question. And i found that. The percentage of people in san francisco who are poly-amorous namananga. Mus nontraditional in one capacity or another Was higher than anywhere. i've ever lived before and negotiating that space while you're also negotiating every in and out of dating where i've i've offended women by asking for their phone number then defended other women by not asking for the phone number in proposing we speak before we meet That there are no rules anymore. Every person is different. If you've you've learned something from your previous encounters you'll be schooled very quickly that whatever you think you learned is inaccurate for this new person. Tough everyone is. I think it's tough especially with paying on dates to because there are some women that the man to payment others that are like equal opportunities that we get offended. So i totally get where you're coming from. But i think the main takeaway is you just gotta stick to your values via values when it comes to dating. These are things i'm accustomed to doing. And if you find someone who's not used to it and not open to it then you shouldn't be dating them right. Why do you have to adapt to everybody else win. This is your life. You're the one dating here. This is your love life at stake. you can put your stake in the ground and say this is the way i do it i find. I have found that when i do that. I just lose out on the potential of meeting. Certain people So how did you meet your kern girlfriend. Met on okay cupid And we went through a period of dating and then a period of friendship and then appeared of what. We're now where we're just like crazy. Love so dating. I then friendship now interrelationship. Uh so how did it go from dating to friendship. After a period of silence where i didn't contact her after she broke up with me. And then we very slowly a reintroduced ourselves to each other in a very different context. And i actually feel like posting a completely different person. Same girl that that's possible. She's a love story. This is why there's an epilogue business okay. Timing timing. is everything. So when you guys i dated. It wasn't a good match. Obviously and then you can ease your way into a friendship and then ease your way out of this friendship into now. A monogamous committed relationship. Wow so what. What are some of your learnings from the jury. Then buddy. who's just so frustrated. We hear it many times and we want to reach out to all of them. Would you say to all of our listeners. I think going on a fast for a month was great advice given to me And partially because it was hard it also it made me realize the level of my addiction. And what. I was getting out of the apps that i wasn't realizing. In how flimsy that was this validation that someone maybe likes me and the other thing that happened.

00:30:04 - 00:35:05

It's sort of like going on any kind of fast. You begin to see patterns and for me i also I was horribly horribly lonely for that first week. That second week was brutal. That third week i thought i would never meet anyone again for the rest of my life and i would probably just dial loans like dramatic by the third week. We've all been there all thought that. Yeah and then. The fourth week a certain kind of peace began to descend over me. And i wasn't missing the validation. And i was a little bit more alive in the present world and i happen to be invited to super bowl party and i happen to meet someone in person there and i'm not on my phone all the time and we had this total connection. We end up dating for a few months with someone who i met in real life With the person that you're with now when you got was when you ask that was post fast yes. Do you think that had an impact on how you showed up with her. Second time around That smirk that's an interesting question. I'm not sure i would wager. That she changed what she was looking for more than anything else and originally i was not what she was looking for. And then her desire. I changed for what she wanted. And suddenly i was I don't really feel like i shifted substantially okay. You also didn't force the situation. So this is what we've learned from some of the other stories that if someone's not ready or they think it's not a good fit you can't force them into thinking it's a good fit. Nobody need to come to that conclusion themselves. So you left her alone. I'm guessing you left her alone and that was brutal. After she broke up with me. I was like i'm not gonna call her. I'm not gonna texture. I thought about her every single day. And and this finally is answering your question as to why the show. I've written half the book at that point. And after she broke up with me i couldn't write. I'd writer's block for the first time in my entire life could not bring myself to look back at that period and talk about it and write about it but i could talk about it and what i realized was that i can write with my mouth when i do. These shows right them down. this is a style. I learned from my mentor spalding ray who created autobiographical monologue as we know it today. And he never wrote anything down. He had an outline and then he would simply remember the last time he told the story remembered what worked what didn't work and he would try it again and he would literally write it with his mouth. So i realized i couldn't write with my hands but i could write it with my nose so i booked a theater in los angeles set a date when i'm like i have to show by them and when the show came around i had some the set and it got me back into the writing process again so that i've now finally finally almost finished up the book so with all of this all these terrible teachers to parties. How did this like come back till like what. What advice would you give someone that's going through this of the masai that is you fast. Which is great. Do you think this pleaded to your car relationship all the stuff. I am so thrilled to not be dating right now. I guess you know you're not missing out. Yeah i really wish. I had good advice and it feels a little bit pat to say a go out in real life. Try to open your eyes and literally make eye contact with people and go out with friends and see if they can invite other friends But that's a really really effective way to not as build your general network but also to potentially eventually find someone you connect with. I'm not saying that. Apps are terrible and people who've gotten married who through their apps and their horribly love. But i look back and i look at all my past relationships and even though i've been online dating since two thousand and only acting for starting since two thousand fifteen. I'm i only have one serious relationship. That i got through online at all in person. Yeah i've had so many dates online but in terms of actual things that turn into relationship. I guess to to in seventeen years and you know it feels like it should be able to work and you have stories of people for whom it did work but For whatever reason.

00:35:05 - 00:40:03

I have not had nearly the success of where i meet people in person usually through a friend so the takeaway i'm getting from your stories would be mindful dating. And what does that look like. Because you said something that that i think about all the time as you reach for your phone and not just for your dating apps but just reaching for your phone as reflexes a natural. You're not mindfully reaching for your phone something you feel like you need to do and when it comes to online dating next time you reach for your phone to swipe because you feel like that is a natural reflex of what you should be doing. Think about the next time you swipe for ten minutes then for each minute you're swiping should also devote a minute to searching for something to do in real life so maybe it's like for each time minutes you're swiping spin another ten minutes looking at what's coming up this weekend. Yeah you go to or another ten minutes of reaching out to friends and family or another ten minutes of like reflecting on what you can do to improve on yourself right so it's it's more mindful uh-huh and another thing you can try and this is brutal but go to a bar go to a cafe and don't take out your phone. Yeah it is so hard and sometimes and quite frankly. I think this is harder for men than women because women are approached. Men are rarely approaching the public setting like so you either. If if your guy you have to actually not just make contact in an unthreatening way but also find a way to say something and i. I'm terrible this. I'm terrified at this. I figure i'm always gonna sound standard with some sort of opening gambit. And i don't do line so i have no way of like starting something so i just keep my eyes open for something that is happening in the space. It might be on a tv. It might be someone. Walking outside was getting into a fight. Whatever something you can start a conversation about early on have to be in a romantic condo. No no meaning. People just need to know that when you're out in public you don't need to butte searching for someone you're attracted to talk to strange. I never know what that exactly. I think my takeaway is i mean. Obviously you've made this comedic so like some people could go on hundred twenty days like and be just really depressed so like boy was. I make my other people's comedy at least like i think you've the story you like. It has like at least you've found some comedy out of it and we're able to turn it around and then i think to thinking about like the date specifically like we've talked about this like the attitude is everything and like the fact that like someone was honesty with such a poor attitude like really just impact the whole thing. You know. it's like something. just be conscious of. Yeah just because you've experienced all these bad dates before doesn't mean this person you're about to have a date with is going to commit those crimes number two. Yeah and you wanna do something funny about that women. The mike burst tinder date. The story told you about Just before i got together and into the serious relationship. I was back on tinder swiping around. This is the almost two years later and she was still there. Of course the other takeaway. Just ask over driver. David get your overdrive five. This one guy. That's like the or just with. What color are your band. Do talk about late at night. you've any takeaways from this whole experience it's lead you to where you are now. Everyone is going through this It doesn't matter your age. It doesn't matter your location doesn't matter your language and we're not we're not finding great ways to talk about it yet and we're all getting frustrated. Sometimes really upset sometimes really jaded. that's part of. Why a fast can be helpful. You can reset your clock and actually come back with a better attitude. Sometimes yes and we all in some ways need to laugh about this. So i'm i'm trying to bring the craziness. I went through so the people can laugh at me so that they see something of their lives in. Yeah i'm doing. And what i've experienced so they don't feel they're the only ones who are experiencing we hear this time and time again.

00:40:03 - 00:45:08

Oh so meeting stories. I should write a book danger as i should write a blog. Well guys if you feel that way do it. Start wants to block certain book you know. Get it down on paper because these are this is great content about your life that you could reflect back on. It's just your own personal. Earn what yeah right. It's only like a few friends can see it but we hear it all the time. You guys say to us all the time. I'm the one that's experiencing all these like tinder nightmare stories. And i should really like write a book about it do it get it down on paper. That's a way to release all that frustration. And then my other just one take grant sounds like super cliche but like you obviously met someone that you're really in love with and like it only does only take one like you can go on one hundred twenty. Should he dates that the end of the day. You found some other joe. Yeah all right. Let's go onto our question. Day comes from rachel. She says i met this guy for a first date from bumble. At first i thought he was interested but then he started. Tell me about women. He took home from bars and slept with. Is he trying to turn me on or make me jealous or easy trying to show me. He was only interested in me as a friend. Obviously we never will never know what is going on people's heads but why would you ever tell a woman these stories especially on a date and well. This happened to me on the episode called the blind date for anybody who hasn't listened to it. Set up on a blind date and on the date went very well but in the middle of the date. He's talking buffy other women that he was trying to court and asked me for gaining advice on how to execute these these situations so why do even just. Why does this happen. Have you ever done this. Probably specifically the idea of bragging about women that you have met in bars and taken home. Yeah i've certainly never done that Occasionally when people find out what. I do They're curious about it and they often press me for stories when i do tell them stories. They're usually stories that do not end in sex. Those are the funniest ones most of the time. They're usually about my foibles failures and dating in some ways. I think that can potentially break the ice in a humorous kind of way and make the other person feel like well. I'm not that crazy. I stand a great shot just like more self deprecating guys. Do that or some this on date. I have no idea. I'm sorry i find it baffling and honestly i try not to bring up dating anyone else unless i am specifically asked and pressed and the there was a brief period where i actually put in my profile. I'm writing a book called fuck tinder. No really it's about all my horror stories and that actually generated conversations book having met but when we got to actually be in person. I don't wanna talk about horror stories. One talk about my conquest. I and i think in general just talking about other people you dating even access is not the best on the early this commodity of like. Oh these deleting apps that experience. But that i don't know i try to stay away from. It has a little bit of negative connotation to it sometimes but i think like talking about other people is like taking the presence off of the person. You're with us so even if it's like not in a sexual way like we you were talking about with your store like that woman that was going through all the things that mended wrong. That's now away from you at her. You know each other. Never the best. For i wanna find ways of meeting the other person on finding points of connection so one of the things i love asking most either. Where have you most recently traveled. Or what do you want to really go to next right and that begins to reveal a lot about a person you know yup totally so yeah no i think. I don't know what the answer is. Maybe discussed trying to get you jealous. Maybe they just wanna brag. Maybe they're not interested in. We really don't know. But i think everyone probably should stay away from his tactics. I don't think it ever really ends. Well i think in the end. It's it's all about respect. And i signed this sort of behaviour disrespectful. I don't want to be talking about other women on our date. But i have guy friends who've told me they've they've done this on dates one because nervous so that becomes their default of remind talk about like i don't know what gripe at home and then other other times they feel like it takes the pressure off date because they they want the girl to feel like they're not like Focus on them.

00:45:08 - 00:48:24

You know so then. It takes the pressure off and then three. I've also heard this guy friends. They say they want to look like they are desired by other women. All of us going out. It's all it's all. I agree but those are the three reasons for you. Rachel if you're immersing to this goes just to just just be interested in your date. That's why the best don't talk about other questions okay. Let's wrap this up. Thank you so much david for doing this. We can't wait to go. See your show your ass. Is there a website that it's f dash. Tinder do night and i repeat. Do not go to fuck. That was taken years ago by a guy in germany. And you don't wanna see what's on that site you don't wanna go to hotmail dot com and a desire to sing so f dash tinder exact coming out to this year. Awesome sweet for anybody listening. If you like to be a guest on our show we are still looking for guests six and we want to hear your stories. You want to recommend a friend. We are open to that as well on that note. Stay if you want to see. David live fuck. Tinder has more show's coming up. David will be san francisco tonight and may eighth and then will be on tour in select cities in the us and internationally so check out his site s dash tinder dot com for more information. Your action item for this week. Is we've together all of your dating experiences and see how all of these pieces are setting you up for that next stage instead of focusing on why something didn't work out or what someone was missing. Focus on how they contributed to who you are today. This episode of dateable is brought to you by five hundred brunches. Five hundred branches connect like minded people with similar interests to meet in real life over brunch. You answer a questionnaire about your interest and how you spend your time. And they'll match you in small groups of six to eight at a brunch spot in san francisco get a free entry into a brench now by signing up at five hundred brunches dot com and using the code date able if you didn't know already revamped website with articles videos and content all about modern dating you can also find our premium y series where we dissect analyze and offer solutions to some of the most common dating conundrums had some great feedback. About how actionable these episodes are so. Check them out on our website or itunes music also visit the site today to see the latest about coaching where we connect you with. Dateable approved experts to help with everything from dating profile reviews coaching and even gathering real feedback about your dating style in a personalized and affordable way to connect with us visit dateable. Podcast dot com. You can also find us on facebook twitter and instagram. All under dateable podcasts. Don't forget to subscribe an auto download the podcast on itunes. Or your favorite podcast player. So you never miss an episode.

Dateable Podcast
Yue Xu & Julie Krafchick

Is monogamy dead? Are we expecting too much of Tinder? Do Millennials even want to find love? Get all the answers and more with Dateable, an insider’s look into modern dating that the HuffPost calls one of the ‘Top 10 podcasts about love and sex’. Listen in as Yue Xu and Julie Krafchick talk with real daters about everything from sex parties to sex droughts, date fails to diaper fetishes, and first moves to first loves. Whether you’re looking to DTR or DTF, you’ll have moments of “OMG-that-also-happened-to-me” to “I-never-thought-of-it-that-way-before.” Tune in every Wednesday to challenge the way you date in this crazy Dateable world.