Sex & Sexuality

S6E11: Diaper Fetish

Dateable Podcast
May 1, 2018
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Sex & Sexuality
May 1, 2018

S6E11: Diaper Fetish

We talk about different fetishes, how to respond when someone shares a desire that may seem out of the ordinary to you, and ways to present a kink of your own.

Diaper Fetish

Samantha shares her reaction about being propositioned for a diaper fetish and what was actually involved. We talk about different fetishes, how to respond when someone shares a desire that may seem out of the ordinary to you, and ways to present a kink of your own.

Episode Transcript

S6E11 Diaper Fetish

00:00:00 - 00:05:00

The Dateable podcast is an insider's look into modern dating that the Huffington post calls one of the top ten podcast about love and sex. On each episode, we'll talk to real daters about. From sex parties to sex droughts, date fails a diaper fetishes and first moves to first loves. I'm your host Yue Xu, former dating coach turned dating sociologists. You also hear from my co host and producer Julie Krafchick as we explored this crazy dateable world.

This episode of dateable is brought to you by five hundred brunches. Five hundred branches connects like minded people with similar interests to meet in real life over brunch. You answer a questionnaire about your interest and how you spend your time. And then they'll match you. In small groups of sixty eight at a brunch spot. In san francisco get a free entry into a brench now by signing up at five hundred brunches dot com and using the code date able. Hey everyone welcome to another episode of dateable show. All about modern dating today will be exploring one of my favorite topics. It's about fetishes and before we get into that because our guest is here with a very specific fetish issue. Mine i want to. I want to pull up. The definition a fetish because i have never actually looked up a dalmatian fetish and according to the dictionary fetish is a form of sexual desire in which gratification is linked to an abnormal degree to a particular object item of clothing part of the body etc. Wow entrusted areas specifically for that either thinking. That's interesting that they first of all they say it's a form of sexual desire so sexual august so anything that's fetish related sexual in which gratification is linked to ab normal degree so it's an outlier abnormally was definitely the word that's interesting. That is really interesting. Okay so now we know what the dictionary says about finishes. I really think about fetishes as anything. That is sort of unique to your own Like king unique preference that you may have that most most other people don't have and i love the word abnormal. I don't love that idea like that. May be the dictionaries kid. But i link. Stage abnormal is the best word or normal even like people. Don't define it as much in that by like unique but do people with that issue. So i'm going to introduce our gas. We have samantha here in the studio. She is in her early thirties. She's been in san francisco for four years originally from colorado. And you wanna talk about a specific fetish now that you have but someone came to you at right. Yes i have them some exciting many many exciting dating stories from levin in san francisco. Abbott probably one of the most interesting ones is. I was with a guy for a couple of months and i really liked him. I was trying to be flexible in san francisco's a place where you really have to keep an open mind. And i was continuously being open minded. He had a couple of different fetishes and they sort of started progressing. It started with them bottoming. Introduces to me. I like okay all right. I'll read the book going to dictionary. Bottoming is what people think low. They're bound to reach bottoms. The slang means the submissive partner in a sexual relationship encounter is specially the person who has penetrated in eight anal intercourse. Okay posted to the Okay yes that makes sense with bottom so he was a he wants to be bottom now. He was into yubing bottom yen anal sex. I think but you know what we never got far enough to figure that out. I know he was interested in was like introduced me to it. I have a book on it that i should read. I think he was dominant. So he was into submissive thing So i was like okay. All right we'll see where this goes. But then i think a week later. He came to my apartment with new literature. Introduced me to as a joke quote unquote. So he gives me this book in its diaper fetish play. I was late in the that. You sent me yeah okay. I'm going to hold this up for everyone because samantha. Just this over to me. The book is called the age play and diaper fetish. Handbook and it's from an author who put her years of experience as a diaper fetish model. Yes and i think it's called a b. d. l. and essentially it's like a mommy baby fetish so this one's called the diaper play handbook but there's also when i went to her website. I think she's like a professional escort. That does this and she has like breastfeeding videos breast pumping videos babysitter videos. Like and essentially the guy will be the baby and show mommy hem in lake change. His diapers trusted him.

00:05:00 - 00:10:02

And there's all kinds of videos. Like i went down a rabbit hole for a while because i was not sure how i felt about this and i think the awkward part is when he brought over the book you know he was like look at this and i immediately cracked up and started laughing because i was like. Oh this is so funny. Where'd you find this. I could tell that he was probably it. I had accidentally leak you now. Ben maybe Finish a little. This is quite the art form. Because i just looking at the glossary or the table of contents and it goes into roles like the feminine caretaker of masculine caretaker within goes into an entire section on diapering disposable diapers cloth. Diapers liners using diapers changing diapers diaper rash and then age play setting the mood. Regression era age play while there's so many elements to this so there's definitely an art form to this. How far did you guys get. Not very far sadly because i think that i you know my reaction wasn't when he was going for but i think it probably would have been a normal person reaction because this is pretty unusual so we parted ways for other reasons. If you didn't get that far. But i definitely at google that of course linked went down the rabbit hole. You guys might wanna watch videos. And i think the woman who does this is actually quite fascinating. She's got all kinds of web safe footage in films and and that can make better better idea. Her name is penny barber for the interest he ever like emmy with conversations again. I know you kind of laughed it off which can be tough when someone's disclosing a fetish. They did he give any more insight on why he was turned on by this or kind of shut us down. He never admitted it. You know and. I think that i just realized later i was telling you a and other people and they were like. Oh he's into that even at the time. I wasn't quite sure. But that's the only reason you would own a booklet. That i think if he said he got it at a book signing and actually was like potentially the author seemed interested in him so that was pretty funny at yeah sovereign confirmed that this is probably him introducing a fetish in the most subtle way possible so i guess next time that happens to me. I'm not going to giggle but so from your research into this fetish. What happens exactly. So from what i could tell it. Looks like Basically it's a lot of the role play stuff which is huge. So this particular elaborate feather. Sometimes there is breast pump bean snoops. There's sleep baby milk involved. There's definitely baby bottles. Did not have the courage to go into the diaper fetish as much. Because i'm really curious about the diaper changing part of it. But i never found a video on that. Just feel like it's like this like psychological aspect of like wanting to your mother like there's some like radiant aspects here has to be what else we get. Someone excited by this. I don't know. I wish we could talk to him. I can give you his contact information to sleep with him in the course of your relationship. Yeah yeah we were dating for a couple of months at this point But this. I wouldn't say that this was necessarily i'm not sure. What the deal breaker wise. But i would say that this probably was. Maybe we weren't quite compatible in that way as ready to take that role on as a mother tweeting diaper changing type of girlfriends. I the lake by the lot avenue. Make the bedia. Some community cringe again. But like i'm going to reuse fifty shades of grey is a reference but there was like this part about like how christian grey like wasn't down with vanilla sex because into all this other stuff. Do you think that this affected like your sex life overall like you weren't down to do stuff like this intentionally. He did have a lot of different. Fetishes was very open minded in a lot of ways like more than i had been exposed to at that time. Because that's like dating in san francisco. So i'm sure he definitely did not want bonilla sacks in any way but yeah he had some interesting. I think he had been in a porn at tom. Com in background. Not like a porn star. But like he's extra. I dig network with so yeah i mean he was. Not i think sexual preferences definitely were not for the faint of heart There was a lot of background stuff with him as well. But what was your sex life with him. It was it was honestly amazing. It was great but Yeah i don't know. I mean again. I was keeping an open mind but there were just some lines.

00:10:02 - 00:15:01

Daily elite wasn't ready to leave. Did you feel like you weren't giving him when he was looking for. Because i feel like i would maybe feel that way. Yeah probably oh yeah definitely. I think that there was a certain amount of that because once he brought the book over it was late. I can't i mean maybe. I could be tried but i felt like that was where i just. I don't know. I don't think i could have gotten into the changing of the diverse but before he brought the book over with you already a little bit. Kinky imbed totally. Yeah he'll tie up staff And you're cool with that. Yeah that was totally fine. And then i mean it wasn't like you know it was very lights. I would say it's like you know. All that couples stuff really handcuff solids. Try it but it wasn't. You know there was no diapers. So yeah he was but he was like definitely an experimental type of person. I'm he was on seeking arrangements. Think for awhile and he again was bisexual centre. Marley not sure wet. Like how deep it would have gone should have stayed together that i knew it would make a really interesting story for. I think it's just an interesting topic. Like how far do you go for like. I think this doesn't feel natural to you. Rights do the stepper fetish. But if in theory you were like yeah i guess. Is it a deal breaker. That makes it not one or is it something that you push yourself with. I don't know what the answer your thoughts are. Yeah i don't. I am also like i wonder if he had a specific procedure that he went through. Like let's get light media some stuff out of the way seattle. She likes that in if she is receptive to that. Then maybe i'll bring over this yearbook and see how she reacts to that. 'cause he must have gone through this before with previous relationships right so i wonder like this is his his process. Right introducing everything. But to me. I feel like if this is a fetish. That's important to you. I would want to know upfront right away. But then that's a big slow. Because i feel like if you don't you're not dow with it you're like reactions going to know that i feel like if you like get especially as a woman me a ban. I don't want to speak for men but like as a woman. We are emotional beings. And i feel like the more you get to know someone you meaning more open out of your comfort zone opposed to like someone says on tinder like i'm done with a diaper fetish. Eli next right. Although there are like fetish sites. I'm sure that you could find somebody. That has the same thing or craigslist. Obviously as we are. I should add to that at the time. He was in his thirties and living with his mom who then adds adams mentioned. Everyone's like don't need a guy gets that plus the diaper fetish. It's like is there a mother fetish. Go meet them all. she's there for. Oh absolutely ad hoc. That's that's an interesting as i do. Think though that so. I struggle with this quite a bit so i just said something that i think. Now i'm going go back on because i think you're right julia. It's like sometimes fetishes. Come out of a relationship if you've been together for a while you get comfortable. But how is a sexual fetish different than let's say an asian fetish we've talked about yellow fever before and it's almost like if someone comes to me with a fetish that they have. That was independent of me. I would feel like. I was just part of the equation. I wasn't you know. Like i wasn't in a partnership with this person if they weren't like a. Let's discuss this together links. Aslan wanted to do but how is that different than like wanting to look at three summer like having these desires that they have. That's true. I don't know in my mind. It's like a plug and chug like i'm really into diaper fetishes. I want you to play mommy. It doesn't matter who you are as long as you agree to it. It's like asian fetish. I'm into asian girls. And if you're asian girl i'm into it. It's almost like it seems impersonal. Feel like fetishes to me. There's no shutter would. But i feel like to me in my previous relationships. They come out of a certain level of comfort with each other and certain level of chemistry with each other and that comes with time disagree a little though i there's people that have things that get them off and have that already in like let's be honest when you're dating you're twenties and thirties. You're not the first person someone's been with so there could have been something that's turn them on in the past and it's not like i get in some way the plugin shug mentality but i also think it's like if you're in a monogamous relationship specifically like this is the person you're doing this stuff way. See connie them to be on board. Yeah if the fetishes that important to you but it's not then that's another story but if it's like this guy only i'm afraid taking on not knowing him but let's say he only gets offered diapers.

00:15:01 - 00:20:01

Yeah he needs a girl. That's on board with that. How is he going to be sexually satisfied. But is that an issue for him. Right lanes almost like. Why are you so obsessed with diapers. Maybe there's something else going on. And i don't know any relationship that about like any fetish. The legacy three some rate link people say what's wrong with our relationship. They need to bring a third person in right like there's always like a. Why are you doing this. But then sometimes there's just people get off on it. Yeah it okay. So here's here's an away to look at and i've struggled with this too when someone brings on when someone brings up a fetish it also implies their previous sex life and some. Maybe i'm just so prude. That i don't like hearing about my partner's previous sex life that kinda reveal something about them with someone else right or or they got someone to agree to it or they never considered julia told you about the guy. I met on tinder hooah. We like never met in person but our initial conversation was very normal like dog. Where do you live. Where do you work and it quickly turn into. Hey i want to tell you something. And i want you to be okay with it before we need up in person so i'm thinking like he's married or whatever one of those things while it turns out he's really into he graphically depicted this with emojis where of he was very much into one watching. The girl have sex with another man. Okay and to him and the girl sucking the same dick can you please. How go. jeez that were given. Can i started with. how do you feel about. He gave me a tongue emoji and eggplant so it was like oh like blowjobs. That's pretty normal. I don't think that's anything out of the ordinary. And then he put a tongue emoji. Ben eggplant than another tongue so i was like whose tongue is the third got mine so of course i went into like investigative reporting into this and i said like how did you first come about. He said i was with an ex girlfriend. She was among those into it from previous relationships. Totally and she requested that we try it so they took them like almost a month of putting craigslist ads to find out that man for for them to do this with and he said it was like phenomenal when it happened. So now he's a carry onto. He thinks six so necessary in in his relationships going forward that before even meeting me in person he wanted to tell them gotz mix. I still think like your reaction of knowing. This guy is going to be like no. Oh yeah jazz coming. Maybe it's still would've been no knowing him. But i just feel like i don't know i feel it's like one of those things like when a guy hits opens like diaw. They've never met you like he. You know it's like i don't get it. It's like just take someone to dinner in like ninety dinner. Just take some drinks in. There's a chance they will fuck you but like if you say it like that always like no. I don't think women operate that way. Maybe there's obviously woman ado which has given men like this reassurance to keep sending this stuff but we're talking about the things on only strikes me not they get so many requests lake do you. How do you feel about casual. Do you wanna be friends with benefits. I'm like you're not my friend yet. how would possibly be benefits with I just feel like if you went for drink with them like yeah. I had happened. I have no idea. I wanna have sex with you just based pictures on ten dollars so but i also got one. That's very actually. It just seems to this topic in spitting evolved. But i think i'd say vaulted guy hupa days like five years ago and i'm not on okay. Cupid partially because of what. I got back then. One guy had milking fetish so he liked sent me this really long message about like how he wanted to. i think it was be to suck on his nipple. I can't remember him online or on his. I think it was actually me on him. Because i remember like showing to france just being like it was a really in-depth like what he was planning on doing. The whole procedures. I really wish. I still had it but it was intense but like getting that without any conflict. Okay cupid it wasn't like your message like i am style. It was the first email i go. Why so that's a copy and paste right. Tackle holiday people have about long. He's clearly looking for someone to fulfil this.

00:20:01 - 00:25:02

And that situation i agree. It's a plug in shock. If it's like you don't know them at all. I guess it just depends on what your priority as is your priority to find some or is your to satisfy this particular fetish rate if your priority is to say i have this fetish and i just want someone to satisfy it. You should say that in the very beginning with that in your profile to your priority is to be in a relationship where you get to a place where both of you want to explore these fetishes. Then yeah i agree. Maybe not lead with but i do agree history. Semi if like i guess it depends. How important is to if it's like okay. I don't need to go through life with the diapers. But i could still be in a relationship with you. Then maybe it's not important but like to say it like it might be a deal breaker. But if it's something that like i don't wanna be with this girl. If she's unwilling to get out earlier i guess yeah i would you know or at least like feel out there openness. Maybe that's the way to how much of a deal breaker it as for you right to be at a half someone to also. What is the classy way to bring it up so that the other person feels comfortable. Not van. Because i really. I appreciated the subtle approach. But i think that i would have been less thrown off. One of it was further into the relationship into if like we have. I dunno I it doesn't really good point because like the show the book it's almost like it's like very passive in a way your reaction of laughing. Isn't that strange. 'cause you're dislike showing me this yeah if you just like from the heart talked about this like maybe you wouldn't have laughed in his face but it's true i think about like i'm almost jealous of people who have very specific fetishists because they got to a point in some sort of relationship where they were comfortable enough to explore. Sort of these passions. I mean like. I'm thirty six years old and i still don't know what my fetishes are not. Everyone has them. I don't think it's like archaeologist. Like vanilla sex there isn't it's not like your basic outside. Maybe you are. I don't know. I feel like i am missing out on something i am missing. There's not like so you're gravitating to you're happy with your sex life that maybe it's not to know how finishes actually develop in lake inada ecological studies on that. Because i think sometimes it's stuff that happens in early life obviously the diaper fetish very much. So there's definitely some mother ish things going on there but also i mean it does sound like a lot of people develop their fetishes by being introduced by other partner. Yeah yeah so i wonder. Just what is the the war or is it something they see on like porn and stuff. You're right and right. Yeah that's true. I remember i had this boyfriend in new york with. I call him a boyfriend. Maybe not but i was dating someone in new york and i remember telling him that i liked having sex in the dark. Like all i but i really meant it as like i think i just met like i like i enjoy having sex night versus during the day and then he took that to the next level and he like like drag me into the bathroom and turn off all the lights including his alarm clock. You like you like unplugged the arm. how about now. I don't need pitch black. I had to the next level and a fetish of mind. Do i like. Do i enjoy having sex in pitch darkness where i can't see my partner and then quickly reach the conclusion What does that line of fetish like bentley. i definitely like like it out like a public semi public me. That i wouldn't say that i would definitely get off on that but i wouldn't be like if someone was endow with it would be like. Oh my god deal for sure is overly gets not like that. Big a deal to me. I don't know. I guess like what stat. Line adverse versus like something exciting. But i guess it's all relative right maybe for someone they would hear like public. File that such a fetish. I've never done that before. That's so crazy or someone who's like has sex in public all the time and they're like oh that's just normal julie my every day for guys like whatever mine just hung in there is another thing too. It's like how do you gradually bring it. I'm thinking trying to think of league. I had this major fetish. That was a dealbreaker like doesn't make sense to gradually introduced stuff like we were talking about earlier like light play in keeping going or like. Is there another approach. Like just having like an old conversation like more theoretically like what. You're like desires and fantasies matt type of so i kinda like this approach.

00:25:02 - 00:30:01

I went to like group therapy. How a couple couple of weeks ago and the therapist said whenever you're talking to your partner you always want to start with your ideal world so this is the world where not all of your needs are going to be met. So maybe if you did have these fetishes you speak to your partner in that which in your ideal world what would happen sexually start with that on them. It's not like oh you're disappointing. 'cause you're not doing it. Yeah exactly and then you can have an open conversation about like the craziest wildest things that you can think of sexually and then you just pull back from there eventually. Build for leverett somewhere. And i'm like trying to remember what article was or where i read it but it was like one of the most demoralizing. Because you can do is like put someone's fetishes down. No like the laughing kind of falls to people. Don't even necessarily want to do with say it'd be like like i mean if you talk to people like you probably a threesome and then how we actually do it right. It's not majestically is really hard to say because you wanna do. It doesn't mean you're doing it all the time like in theory. This sounds like really good idea. But then like if you were to your partner like what do you think of three sons like oh never has a negative connotation to it. Yeah that's true. Yeah what about you samantha. Do you have any fetishes. It's time to take a quick break so we can tell you about the latest service. We have been building over at dateable. We'll be offering a platform to connect you with vetted. Dating experts from our network to help with everything from dating profile reviews coaching to see where you're getting stuck in dating. And even to get real feedback about your dating style. The sessions typically run from thirty minutes to an hour and can all be done via skype or google. Hangouts were so excited about this because so many of you wrote in asking how you can find people to help up your dating game and this should be a great way to get personalised affordable vice. We'll be adding more coaches and more services and of course let us know. There's something specific you like to see to meet the coaches and book your session today. Visit dateable podcasts. Dot com slash coaching. Now back to the show. What about you samantha. Do you have any fetishes Gosh i mean. I like the public place saying hot about really for a semi. I don't know if i'm like. Oh just be out of the open like doing. It's like by building like there is like some kinda open like yeah. I'm a card carrying mile high club member that that's not i wouldn't call it fetish though because that was a really complicated logistical process. Will always say wasn't on an international flight. If only know wasn't it was is to no biggest so our flying story in here so Time fetishes anyway came my college. I am were flying back home for christmas to meet my parents and Yes i wanted to show up french so we decided we had two flights. We had a layover in las vegas and so the first flight we thought about it a lot like okay. We're gonna do it. So we went into the bathroom and Pretty much the second the closed the captain comes online and he's like could the passengers in the bathroom. Please out of the bathroom in there. To loggers in there for fifteen in there together so we walk. And i'm not kidding. You the entire plane leaks and i'm just wondering why wardha often i was like we're young at this time too so i had a Had embarrassed myself so many times that i could still feel that you guys didn't have sex in the bathroom. Nefer sign. That was the number one so then by flight number two. We were like we have to do this now. Because even during the humiliation we don't have any of the glory really wanna make college friends was flying back to so she had her back. So we're like okay. We're going to even better. It was the biggest laid a bunch of people on just one about your money gambling. Yeah yeah the flight attendants were like sexy in ural around. Everyone is drunk so ever moved distracted by many things. And so we like snuck in mare. and yeah. I do not recommend it's to be international flight in the seats. We did bathroom and that was just like. Oh so tight. Like any didn't wanna touch the walls Every so grown and it was really complicated and then we did it and we pulled it off but there was a whole line outside and my friend had talked everyone there like she has. She's stake and he's helping her does not like it brings up a good. I've always had like the fetish of like a hot tub or like water and the people and anyone.

00:30:01 - 00:35:03

That's always you could also. It's like kind of like that. The vile high. What it's like has his glorification. Yeah do a wonder like to bring us back full circle. I wonder if like the baby fetish if you did it once. And he was like it goes batch like do i really want this or is this land. Just like seems excited. Definitely i mean. I'm i'm trying to be really open minded about this. Unlike what would. I enjoy out of this experience. I would enjoy him sucking on my kids. Yes that would be really nice prolonged second That'd be really good but the diaper par. That i don't know if i could. I mean i don't even like diapers on kids. I like it on his own adult. What does it do to after like. I've ever liked insects. With the city. There is like the three episodes like well what happened afterwards. Like that's true or like up the but it wasn't the threesome bun but it was still a then. You're like the girl that did it like it's like what happened after it's like this diaper fetish like are you going to respect the sky that yeah in diaper lake. You'll definitely and i think about. And maybe i'm like oh germaphobe in some ways that yeah like we talked about this in the previous episode with fetishes. My friend data. The sky had a joyful of sex choice and in my mind. I'm just like how many other people using sex toys on like same with the diapers. You know like how many other times he used diapers yesterday. Step right navy ibises display. Remember there there's so many so many different kinds remember. There was like a cloth diapers as a disposable diapers. You're quite a few different diapers lead to be used. And that's what flashed through my mind was like okay. So how deep does this go. It might actually be changing diapers. You're gonna be relieving yourself today for race. Is there like just like older for love or diapers. That's exactly right and that's gotta be a big part of it. So that was when i think the line kind of got released weird for me trying to think about that. You guys have a conversation about it or was it kind of just dismiss it was pretty quickly dismissed and now i realize that you said that you know if you just somebody's fetish in that kind of way that it could be probably harmful to their psychology. I think that goes with everything when it comes to your partner approaching you. You always have to validate what they're saying. First and then give your opinion what you think so. But i mean i honestly i would have the same re-election yeah you know then at the same i guess you'd be other way you could argue is that maybe just weren't compatible weren't as open as he was not true so like maybe there. There's like a line of how much you could push yourself without beyond. We can't compromise your own self. That's true but to me. I feel like it's also timing of when you bring up sexual desires. I feel like in the middle of the day with an way hopes. Quaid all were like in bed. I'm like still flush in. He says something. Like how do you feel about putting diapers on me. Main everything in the way you say it is everything is everything. It's everything but it super fascinating. I still i still find this whole thing. A super fascinating and i wish we could get him on the show because i like to hear his side of the story and at what point eight and i do i mean i don't want to offend anybody but at what point is a fetish on healthy right are all finishes. Okay were you know. I like to get a professional union at some point. Maybe this is not a fetish anymore. It's an illness of some sort knows you know in the subject to the environment proposals for finishes another guy that i was dating and after three days so the this one introduced sam in a way that it felt finding playful in it was interesting. Didn't another guy and he brought out his like sex toy box. I think after dinner thursday. We weren't even majoring. yeah it was just. It was so awkward. Who's like hold on. Let me get something that he brings this box. I immediately had that same flash of like how many people have used right you know. And he pulled them out look without like a gag and a bunch of stuff and i was honestly freaked out so that's just an Like the same guy kind of introduced the concept but in a much more like you know progress progress in we kind of took it from levels. Next word sat definitely makes all the difference. I think in the way that you do it. You have to be comfortable. So i think we should talk about takeaways. Things actually takeaways. I think takeaways like how you say it.

00:35:03 - 00:40:02

Is everything how you beat up to it. Is everything yeah. Probably samantha. And you say takeaway. How would you have handled the situation differently. Oh yeah i mean well. The problem is as it took me off guard so i think if if it had been presented in a completely different context i am sure i would have been my dad especially because i didn't know he didn't present it as what his thing was per se so it was definitely like i couldn't have prepared my reaction properly instead of just Completely off guard but if this would have happened again i would definitely be open minded in just kind of pace my reaction a little bit and ask questions first before you know kind of getting an idea is your into or is this like a gag gift that you brought over yao right definitely. Yeah i have to take takeaways. One is from the fetish side and one is from the receiving end side. So for the person with the fetish. I think it's really important to know how important this fetish s chea and if it is sort of a deal breaker or if it's the leading quality you're looking for in someone instead of going online to find that person i would go to to these groups. These ads were dsm groups. These sex where you're bound to find someone who's into like the spraying on like tinder feels like it doesn't it doesn't also i hate to say. The people share these sort of stories with their friends. So if you sent a message like that to julie or to me chances are we probably showed until ten of our friend like the guy showed. That's everyone the milkman. Yeah the milk is so out of context right so i would say that if the deal breaker is the fetish then go somewhere where you have a higher chance of finding somebody who's acceptable who accepts the I think it's like what we talked about. Before the sending it to someone that you know it all. Yeah then it becomes like a joke. Even if i was down with that like i think just like come off like almost like spammy. Yeah it does happen to me too in this profiles on okay. Cupid in san francisco constantly. it's called two guys for you and it's to some guy or multiple or twelve year old pena joke. It's into double penetration. God i was one of the fetish. Emails bother mochi. Keep it where i was like. What is gonna be respite. 'cause i was new to the city. Amazing understand like the scene out here for like two boyfriends could be fun like what's the deal is that what they're into and then of course as the conversation presser became clear what was going on. It wasn't like i get tapped to boyfriends sexual like ironclad. I think okay. I don't know me personally. I've got a boost of those on. Okay any other site handstands or so. My take away for the receiving end is juan is to. I'm actually going through this myself to think broad like to open my mind to think like what is my ultimate sexual experience yawned. What i already know because we only rely so much on what we already know but ultimately if you're going to be with someone for a long time there's so much you can explore in the bedroom or in public whatever it may be So i was just saying like more broad. What are some the possibilities out there and keeping an open mind because when you have the sort of mindset if your partner comes to you with a fetish you want have that sort of glow no joke or i'm not into it. It's more of like Let me think about it. And that's the other thing. I learned in that group Therapy session are therapists. Said you know whatever is presented to you. You're i answer should always be. Let me think about it. Yeah don't give a yes or no. Let me think that was like what we talked about earlier. I think the auto shutdown is like demoralizing. Yeah i think really. It's you talked about. The samantha too. It's like asking questions more. Like getting to the root of like how important is this. Is there something like the reason why you're doing it. Like maybe there's something with the diaper fetish could have found a middle ground was a got the same end results definitely. We don't know because we didn't ask questions. Yeah totally so start at the most ideal and then just pull it in and compromise. And i liked what you said about having that hypothetical this is what. Ideally i see inform me was to. This is what. I want your fulfiling. It act comes from like a very negative accusatory way versus like more hypothetical fantasy.

00:40:02 - 00:45:02

Yeah and we're in this together. So let's explore together right and then you can see someone like if you are the type of person that like like out of the box. Sex life is important to essential for you. If someone's like oh what's your like ideal missionary. And you'll see that you're not compatible. Yeah a totally totally totally inspired now to for twenty eighteen. I'm gonna find a fucking fetish. That's dark love when i see all the lights of the joke in the season. One we had this conversation about fetishes. And i remember you and michael b like you was your fetish knows like i think. I'm into water stuff and those of you shut me down so hard and you're like we like. It hurts so much chafing water. I've never done water stuff. But i've heard from multiple deadly not as glamorous as it sounds. I realized where that came from. It's like i'm not into water stuff but for like all the porn and all the movies i've watched it's like the most romantic scenes are always in wadley in a hot tub right or a sex on the beach or -gistically is non and then win after that episode. I was like god. Why did i. Why was that my first reflex. Yeah because in media. That's what's portrayed. I had flashbacks of my friend. Got an uti after having sex in the pool like i know that's exactly what would have then we'll we'll you're were saying earlier. When someone says their fetishes it might not even really be fetish is it could be sleep seen somewhere or like like i think like i know i keep saying three sons because i think it's just so mainstream media wise to the people like i should be doing three serves like wired. Ideally this but they may not actually been want that yeah it might just be the idea of it exactly so two thousand eighteen. I'm gonna find out what. I really want to furry doc or call a at folsom street. I'm like you guys are really into chats renewed. One eighty two thousand eight guarded. I i know that when i go on any of the porn sites those categories. There's a few that i'm drawn to which is always like cam cam. Staff elliott security camp. Oh yes and i also like. I like watching sex clubs. I don't like men. Because i think i'm such a multitasker. I liked unlikable things at the same time so simulation so all maybe those are two. Avenues explored we know voyeurism. I love it. Have the dark i on dark so living on the side and do we have a question of the day. All right question. The day comes from gabriel. Who says my girlfriend. And i have been together for almost two years now and recently started exploring the bedroom lately. She's been really turned on by whips especially with ping me. Don't get me wrong. It really turns me on to see her turn on. But i'm not a big fan of whipping. It hurts in a snaps me out of the moment. How should i approach this with her. Ooh tough. it's tough because you want to see your partner turn on but at the same time if you're not really into a fair to make it hurt for was not there yet. Are there different levels whips. Maybe maybe there there's some whips that are s my. Maybe he's just say like this is exactly what he said. I'm turned on your turned on. Its hurting me like could you go a little later the way. She's doing it but he needs to say something he doesn't to say some. He can't subjugate to her. Oh because this is like i mean consent. It all comes down to that right now verbally. He probably gave his consent. But he's like not all in it and that's just not sustainable problem. Yeah i've had my friend. I've had friends that have expressed the same thing to me. So i didn't really know what to tell them because they know that it's a tricky thing but Probably i think that there's a way that you can technique it so that it hurts laugh. Yeah so there's that And then i think also i remember. There's i mean if anyone's heard about dsm there's many different tools that you can look at. Maybe they just need to switch. Which i think that's really what it comes down to is like you don't wanna be like no uh-huh at the same time it can't just be like isn't working for me at all like i dot happy to come to that middle ground. I think it all goes back to communication but in this particular case it's all about what does she need in that scenario. What is it that turns her on. Is it the act of whipping him or is it the act of whipping right.

00:45:03 - 00:50:07

So maybe it's the aggression of her Having a whip in her hand and the power of just hitting something so maybe they can compromise on her is hitting the floor the wall and not and on him per se. Yeah i agree he needs you. Need to gabriel. You need to like communicate that otherwise it's gonna be domestic abuse. I think really nice. That gabriel that you address fantasies and like gone a long with it but there is definitely that line. Yeah and even the dsm community have a desk word. A safe word right to a point where you're like okay. I'm gonna say the safe when i'm not comfortable anymore. So maybe you to establish a safe word in your religion too it's all about pushing boundaries in finding where the boundaries are waiting that but also made if they're in a loving committed relationship or even if curse him as a human being she probably doesn't want to hurt him yeah she doesn't know if he doesn't say it she's probably likes. Yes exactly what i think. It's just bringing it up is important. Yeah i have an ex-boyfriend with a fetish. That like to me whips okay. We never did it. But i heard the story. This was actually diaper. Go and was into everything he was. You really is But yeah he talked about it. It was really interesting to hear about a like i guess. One night he went to one of those clubs or whatever and they just really sounded like extensively whipped him and he talked about conflict. Four of the experience. Because i think if you like what being it's like really essentially creates a bunch of chemicals in your body that respond to mean so that's how it's supposed to be and that's kind of like the point of it. I think so they may be doing it. Wrong we have an episode rope. Bonders i believe in season four And we talked about how actually a lot of the isn't even sexual. Yeah so maybe also another is maybe. This girl can find another outlet to get off with. This isn't even sexual lessons. Technically not cheating on him or whatnot or depending on the relationship. Maybe it's not a prompt find someone else riazan. Don't they have those hotels in asia where you can just go in and trash everything i feel like. She went from that hotel room. Trach everyday and come back up sex absolutely. I think that is an interesting point. I want to wrap this up but Even fetishes Nature a lot of them. Don't end in sex right. And i find that so fascinating remember. I told you about my friend who a had a guy who pave to watch her. Eat right and it was like. It's a fetish of theirs but then it would never end in sex. They just got off on it and they go home and jerk off. Wow yeah super interesting. I just find finishes so interesting. If you our listeners have a fetish or are curious about one. We love to have you as guest on our show. We want to explore all of this. I have to. I'm the first emit. I know so little about any sort but again in two thousand eighteen. I'm gonna excited that i'm going. That's going to be my brand okay. So you guys need to help me will be opened and we will not laugh at you. Yeah what you say validate you a less of. You're hurting yourself or someone else. Then we'll have to report you okay. Let's wrap this up thank you. So much samantha. Or telling us your story and hopefully we will get someone with a diaper fetish on the show to tell us their aside. And what is that. We just have really feel like. I'm super curious man. If you're still out there by okay. Keep in message. No i am. Yeah remember your dave or anything about you scream. That was like bilk man. No joe there you go. Yeah we love to have milkman. Show i love. I love to get to tongues in an eggplant on the show as well. So let's get everyone on the show. Okay wrap this up thank you. So much again samantha for coming and we invite you our listeners to be a guest on our show or just to write in and tell us any stories or issue may have. We always welcome that and as always we can anonymous you by giving you a made up. Name protect your identity. Okay on that no stay Your action item for this week is think about how everything is a conversation in a relationship. Everything's up for discussion. And everything's negotiable. So make sure you leave freedom for your partner to propose whatever it is on their mind. This episode of dateable is brought to you by five hundred brunches. Five hundred branches connects like minded people with similar interests to meet in real life over french. You answer quick questionnaire about your interest and how you spend your time and then they'll match you. In groups of sixty eight at brench spot. In san francisco get a free entry into a french now by signing up at five hundred brunches dot com using the code date able.

00:50:07 - 00:51:01

If you didn't know already we have a revamped website with the videos and content all about modern dating you can also find our premium y series where we dissect analyze and offer solutions to some of the most common dating conundrums. We've had some great feedback. About how actionable these episodes are so check them out on her website or items music also visit the site today to see the latest about coaching where we connect you with. Dateable approved experts to help with everything from dealing profile reviews coaching and even gathering real feedback about your dating style in a personalized and affordable way to connect with us visit dateable. Podcast dot com. You can also find us on facebook twitter and instagram. All under dateable podcasts. Don't forget to subscribe and download the podcast on itunes. Or your favorite podcast player. So you never miss an episode.

Dateable Podcast
Yue Xu & Julie Krafchick

Is monogamy dead? Are we expecting too much of Tinder? Do Millennials even want to find love? Get all the answers and more with Dateable, an insider’s look into modern dating that the HuffPost calls one of the ‘Top 10 podcasts about love and sex’. Listen in as Yue Xu and Julie Krafchick talk with real daters about everything from sex parties to sex droughts, date fails to diaper fetishes, and first moves to first loves. Whether you’re looking to DTR or DTF, you’ll have moments of “OMG-that-also-happened-to-me” to “I-never-thought-of-it-that-way-before.” Tune in every Wednesday to challenge the way you date in this crazy Dateable world.