S6E13: The White Horse

Dateable Podcast
May 15, 2018
Listen this episode on your favorite platform!
May 15, 2018

S6E13: The White Horse

We talk about cultural perceptions, the differences between healthy interracial relationships vs fetishes, and judgements that are still happening in 2018.

The White Horse

Lori shares how she prefers to date Asian men as a white woman and how she has been the “white horse” even in the US. We talk about cultural perceptions, the differences between healthy interracial relationships vs fetishes, and judgements that are still happening in 2018.

Episode Transcript

S6E13The White Horse

00:00:00 - 00:05:01

The Dateable podcast is an insider's look into modern dating that the Huffington post calls one of the top ten podcast about love and sex. On each episode, we'll talk to real daters about. From sex parties to sex droughts, date fails a diaper fetishes and first moves to first loves. I'm your host Yue Xu, former dating coach turned dating sociologists. You also hear from my co host and producer Julie Krafchick as we explored this crazy dateable world.

This episode of dateable is brought to you by five hundred brunches. Five hundred branches connects like minded people with similar interests to meet in real life over brunch. You answer a questionnaire about your interest and how you spend your time. And then they'll match you. In small groups of sixty eight at a brunch spot. In san francisco get a free entry into a brench now by signing up at five hundred brunches dot com and using the code date able. Hey everyone welcome to another episode of dateable. Show all about modern dating. I'm sure you guys remember the episode. We did that was about yellow fever. We had a white male guest on who preferred to date asian females and we also had an asian male who prefer to date white females. Today we're doing a different perspective. A different approach on sort of the same topic. Our guests laurie as a blonde white female who has a preference for dating asian men. She is twenty three years old currently single and living in la. She's originally from oregon. She has lived abroad in both japan and korea. Hi laurie how are you. Hi pal pay so. Laurie wrote in with that. I had never heard yeah. She talked about her experience being the white horse which is basically the reverse yellow fever. She's experienced this winding in where Asian men would at and would call it the phrase of like writing the white horse and she later found out that defeating asian americans in the us seem term sort of applied. Can you just expand a little bit more about what this white horse term means. sure So i think it follows the basic structure with the yellow fever. However white horse believe stuns originally from korea in has kind of taken on its own character throughout asia. 'em basically it's the idea about foreign women especially white women. They're fun to be with her known as being very sexually active. But they're not someone you would ever bring home to marry so there's this kind of two piece part of it at one if you're in asia the guys actively search you out for the sexual They're gonna be very sexually giving and then also with the idea to two-game bragging rights to their guy friends like. Oh yeah. I could sleep with the white girl and i do so well. A guy understood. feeling quest. Yes a sexual conquest. What brought you to live in both japan and korea. I'm on reddit stuff. I think like most people who get into any porn language. It started in high school with a study abroad program and i started minded japan and from there kind of spread into the more interesting korea so from about junior year in japan on the summers and then an university i started picking up and went to korea the first exchange student. I never met with rome. New japan and i thought was really cool that she had the confidence that such a young age to really build a new life in another country and i thought i love cool place to go. You know so really sparked your interest wasn't so much the asian aspect of it was that you want to live in a foreign country and see what that felt like exactly and so you go to japan and something something got you there. Ha like i feel like it was it was it was dating there was it. I mean i'm so curious. What is it that really stuck with you. I think one general would be held. People are morally. I mean there's not any real area. In japan i would say oh. I feel in danger. It was easy to make krenz lots of friends. I do have to mit in high school. I started a relationship with the guy over there that lasted for quite some time about four years so he would also been a major dry factor. Why i kept coming back a japanese man. Yeah dated asian men before him. No i would very much country. You know blonde haired. Blue eyed ranch guy with a big white truck grows morgan. What was the attraction towards him and make apartment is kind of one. I was really fascinated.

00:05:01 - 00:10:06

With where i was living in rich. And this was someone who really represented that vice versa per his well. He was learning english at the time. Which would be the initial. I think a secondary part two would be like he was still very much. You know stereotype guy but it was a very different way of looking at masculinity. I guess it was more about the intellectual side of things and he was very smart. He was in the education constantly studying. Trying all these new things which was exciting for me at the time. One thing you mentioned that i thought was interesting. Is that you view. Asian men is very masculine. Which is we've had like a group of a lot of asian men that we talk to regularly like in the media portrayal the us. That's just not necessarily the same. What he find really masculine besides intellectual or is that really what it is l. local buffet because depending on which country you're living in what constitutes in being masculine man is a little different so her example climbing japan. And i'm seeing japanese men. I am working for that intellectual side that you know they they really have something superior can provide while in korea. It is the body build a They're very strong degree in the very handsome home at this point for me extremely handsome. I remember talking to someone about the theory. You people look similar to you because everyone's egotistical but from their perspective of like let's let's say about me 'cause i mean blond-haired blue-eyed and my partners are like jet black hair. Dark brown is right and they mentioned. We'll make it more. You're looking for someone who complements you. Yes so when you reached out to us you said. I do not have yellow fever. And you absolutely refute that term. Explain why this so. Just how the white horses. Just sexualizing how someone looks at okay. There blonde hair. I a russian prostitute or be really loosest for me whenever a people would say the term yellow fever. It was kind of saying that just because the person asian. I'm going to get with them. Which is for me. Not really the case it will make me look initially given that most of my adult essence was raised in asia but image of a guy around me was an asia mail. I really don't like return policy ver- because i mean for me i'm just as happy of if you're white or you're black asked me out mexican. It's more the personality that attracted to and it just so happens with my friend group or where been my dating pool has been with asian men and because of that. It's kind of cast a negative stereotype on me. If i go out i'll have some white all kinds in blow immediately tall guys who come charter. Oh don't worry about her. She only likes asian she ever have. You dated other ethnicities. Yes but i would save my more long term. Intimate relations have been with asian. Men's this degree. So it's one of the argument and you listened to the episode. Did on yellow fever murky meant against a yellow fever. Is that plugging play mentality. Where i don't really care what you look like your personality is. I'm just attracted to asian females and it's sort of his off the the women because we're kind of thinking okay. Well then i just need to be asian. You don't like me just for me my personality but you like me. Purely because asia do you get that sort of feedback to No i've never heard that before. I think it helps that you know. My boyfriend's have all been from different countries in asian stock japanese korean filipino. So it never came across that more as a wow. This white girl can speak our language in. She makes the food than she gets. All these jokes that we make our cultural lee relevant. Can you elaborate more on this term. The white horse and what your experience was like in asia and then you wrote into us because you experienced this in the us. Can you tell a little bit about that story as well. yeah and i would also say Even further back. When was the first time you heard this term. And how did you hear yet. So when i first went to japan. There's a common term that people use for japanese girls who only date or go after white guys care how handsome they are. White guys are just handsome ended called gauging hunters engaging like foreigner outsider. I thought that was the first. I was kind of exposed to miss term or interracial couplings like okay so gauging hunters kinda like funny between girls. Kind of seen is bad by the guys in when i was in university in going to school in korea and it was actually macaroni guy friends.

00:10:06 - 00:15:05

Who warned me we were going to the club. And they're like hey heads up you know will be going out picking up girls but we're not gonna let you go home with any guys because of white horse and i was like wait. What's that ball. you know. They just want to have sex with the. It was the first time. I had a term kind of the feeling. I got of hanging out with my friends in how they talked about. Dating white girls like oil. That makes so much sense. I mean riding a white horse have sexual more. You could make it basically like this person that is sex only. I'm not going to take them serious for long-term relationship exactly in for example living in korea. I don't look like a speak. The languages idea though it would be sitting on a train next to two young college guys about my age and they just start blatantly talking about like. Oh yeah. I'd sleep with her. Yeah but no you know. You can't date her. Oh he's half maybe here could only think we together and listening to them. Develop these elaborate plans of how the hit on me. Once we got torch train stop and then having no idea should exactly what i understand these asian countries. You're kind of seen as the trophy. What about in the us. Did you feel that sort of the same sort of pedestal. Feeling and it's it's like an old saying. If i say yes it sounds like ensuring off if i say no people can tell i'd be lying but you're saying the white horse to the us to you've heard the term here as well we'll she experienced That's just given my last experience. I mean in asia. Because i knew about this term in this fetish. -ness of okay. We just want to have sex abuse. Person i am. I never really dated anyone seriously. I never got that far like sexual relations with anyone. Because i was hyper aware. There's a high high chance they're not actually going to take this further while i would but it's in america because you know asian american. Were all american. It shouldn't really matter. I never thought that would be happening. And you know summarizing might situation who. I was so frustrated. I met a guy down here who was now korean-american. We had loved same goals in life olov similar career path. Several complementary it seemed like it was going to be great about a month and a half of kinda seen each other than with his persistence. Okay we're gonna make the final magnet. We're gonna really start focusing trying to take the somewhere and you know as most relationships guy. I was feeling uncomfortable. And it's like okay. So he engaged in sexual relations. It was like. I would want to say a week later. You know we went out. Had a great date. We were talking about the next day. How we were gonna go do these clans. in the morning. He could not leave the apartment. Vesna announced like what is going on the next day i get taxed yet your great imbed but i don't think we're going anywhere when i tried calling him. He's like sorry with the family and so it was like going on two months of some type of relationship and you can't even call or talk about it. Initially i was under the impression. But maybe he's just a jerk like you here about guys on highschool to lead a girl on until they got what they want last. I knew it was more the white horse thing when you know in hindsight easter can came back and every time we were together it was always about. He would always talk about the attention. He got walking around with a white girl sailing conquest. yes. I was like a conquest or a trophy in. He would say oh. You're so hot you're so why is beautiful. You know i've never been with a white girl really kind of off the wall comments. You just said in hindsight it was easy to see. But what were your thoughts when that when he said stuff like that. Initially i thought it was just the newness of being in a interracial relationship for the first time i mean i can say most of my relationships have been interracial. So it's kind of rubbed off on me. Words gay never really think about it. I remember the first time. I was dating someone from another race. I felt like the world was staring at me. I was super alone especially Lived at the time in oregon. So i thought dot's initially what it was for him to find out. Well no it really wasn't so you said something about we touched upon this in our yellow fever episode. Which was you know. These guys date only asian women a lot of times and i'm not saying the supplies. Everyone but a lot of times. These relationships don't end up marriage or a future and it becomes a novelty to date these different women. You also you've talked about these asian mandating you almost as a novelty or conquest and they don't carry that further into a long term relationship.

00:15:06 - 00:20:04

Did you also get the reverse. That did men also say you know what i i like dating you but i don't see you ending up with someone like me in the long term never. I've never had that conversation. I've had two long term relationships with agent than one being asian american. The other being the japanese guy both like we were talking about long-term getting married like from the yellow fever episode. interesting question. you ask that. I was really shocked to hear the answers was talking about. You know in the future marriage or having kids and the guys commented like you know. Do i really want kids. Who are it actually shocked me. Because i never thought of that like someone being verse to something like that at all. I'd always done with partners. Who you know the mix kids was never an issue a funny thing. You know the comment like oh. They're going to be gorgeous. They're going to be the cutest kids. Ever you bright. So what about family. How does your family feel about interracial dating in general and then did you feel any sort of pushback from your male counterparts families. I mean be cute easy to say you know it was completely fine. Initially there was a widow skepticism on my family's behalf more so in the concern of their understanding of asian family culture was the son stay really close to their side of the family and the fear of if we took this further they wouldn't see me or grant their future hypothetical grandchildren so my family did have concerns on that respects that with as far as it went only. I don't want this person in my family or anything not number like that. Every single guide broken up with in the last year has gotten back in context just to check in and they've all said like we love your parents. Horse is sorry the relationship didn't work out. of course you're wonderful so my family was never averse. Agitate the closest thing may ever said what's at least the he's not black which is the first time and i stopped there like wait. What fat was so surprising on. I would say over the past. Eight years pined learned better and so nobody don't every have any prejudice bat to the white horse premise. Though we've had two significant relationships men that evasion to set. That did not view you that way at your family. He taught about marriage. What is it that you think was different. Will they still didn't work out yet. Widen those work out per se. Yeah we're the reasonable bears on. No i one with the japanese were from from high school. It more was at After four years we're at different stages in our life. I and in japanese society at his age the demand to be. A salaryman is extremely hard some relationships from their course. And you know maybe under future something but we just grew apart the other you are given his job a he has a a very difficult job. That would demand to be gone randomly for six months or eight months without knowing. Okay so nothing to do with the race is she added. It was completely just situational With this particular person. I mean the signs were there. I think one. He was just extremely immature. But the biggest point being. I for my previous relationships. There are asian americans who were mainly surrounded save by kinda americana white america or in diverse communities where everyone was different types of races. While for this particular person. I in la you can have. You know koreatown japan town where all the racist kind of split up into their own neighborhoods and if you go into those neighborhoods. It's like you enter into that country. That would be probably. The only major difference is saw initially so all of his worry korean. Yes everyone was korean. And as i mentioned in my letter when he talks to friends it would be. Oh well you know my one white friend or Oh i was single. White girl that was how distinguished everyone so did raise past boyfriends to hear them. Say like emphasis. The whiteness is much rubber. I would have the situation. Where india pan back. We're gonna meet my friends on. They show up like oh. They're foreigners are like other non-japanese like oh i never expect about okay and race was never ever brought up. To describe people would be a major difference. I feel like this opens up so many other topics that we haven't touched upon. Which is we sometimes focus on race being perceived in the us but we forget to mention how racist perceived it to the world if you think about like ex pats in asia.

00:20:05 - 00:25:03

It's ex pats from these. Let's say from the us. Why do people from the us go to asia to live while they're there to teach english or they're there for some sort of experience because we have the privilege in the us to go to foreign country and go find ourselves right in the cost of living is lower. You're able to party more so them. Probably people bring out there promiscuous side. And that's what leads the stereotype. That white females are promiscuous and their great embed. The you know all the sexuality comes out is because people were in asian countries to party. That's kitchen bedroom living there. But it's like kind of occasion in a way. You don't need our i. You don't need to have a substantial job to half a great living you can do that. By teaching english part time imparting the rest of it and it attracts younger and younger people from the us who go and have a great nine look on to our end here on the in the us who are the immigrants that come to the us. Will they come to work. They come to study. They don't have the privilege of coming to the us to find themselves right so obviously they're not here to party. And that's that's what you see in these asian stereotypes of men who are quiet who are able who are nerds and their engineers. Because that's how they enter. The country were raised by their parents and enter the code similar values. Who feel like well. We're in the us to make a better life for ourselves. So we cut need to think about like how these races are being perceived in different countries. And how that plays out into our dating. I what you're saying about. The white horse is very much in line. With in china we call it by fu-mei with means rich and beautiful and that's the standard. You're who you wanna be with the standard for what you wanna look like some where you wanna look like. If you wanna look white you wanna look rich and you look beautiful in. You also want to date someone who's white rich and beautiful. These are like the three standards but in terms of the of the white horse. I know there's a certain sexuality to it but there's also a idea of like this image of elevating someone. You're writing i on a horse and in china if you date someone who's white or have you appear like you're Wider or more pale than the next person it elevates your status to so there are sort of ms elevations of who you are satisfied wise. Now you're back in the us. There's not as much of that going on. Has your dating life changed. Because i feel like obviously in these asian countries your only options are today either other ex. Pats were there to party or to date asian men who are native to those countries. Now you're back in the us. Are you finding yourself more attracted to different people or is still asian men. That's a really difficult question when you put it on my immediate reaction we yeah. I'm open to dating other people. But considering who i've been accepting dates from it definitely falls into you know asian men in i would say part of that is because i lived kind of other lives in for so long and where it's more comfortable. What are you putting out there. That's attracting mostly asian men. Who are hitting on you. I'm not saying that's mostly asian men who i am receiving dates from buddy who i decided to accept a date with. I founded though. Because like i'm from boston in it's mostly like white. Irish liked preppy. like that type of At i find myself attracted to that even here a much more diverse pool. But it's because that's who i'm used to. It's like who. I had relationships with growing up. So i get like a like a nurture side. That's happened shakes. Sure i would also say. I mean dating scary as it is. In one sense i feel i can kind of anticipate similar tendencies. That would be in that relationship. Yeah i was gonna say that you keep saying like i'm comfortable. That's why accept dates from asian nen. It makes sense to me because you spent your formative years in asian countries. So that's what you're used to seeing and that's what's comfortable with you right now. That makes total sense to me. It's fucked up for me to think that when a guy when a white male says he likes only asian females. I wanna vomit. But when a white female says she only dates asian men. I just wanna give everyone high. Fives is that fucked up out. There's two things going on here are asian female.

00:25:03 - 00:30:04

Felt like this guy you felt. It felt like this person that really interested as in me so you have personally. But i think there's also like a difference because of culture and i would. I think this is a great segue to talk about. this more. Is that asian men in. This is not again not coming from us. This is coming from the media and from asian men we know is that they are not considered desirable by white women. So when you hear that someone like lori. A beautiful girl is interested in asian men. I get why you say you want a high five her. Because it's not the norm before this. We reached out to a group of asian men that we knew. Just ask them if they had any questions for you. In one of the questions. I thought was interesting was like how does she let asian men know that she's interested in them. It's time to take a quick break so we can tell you about the latest service we have been building over at dateable will be offering a platform to connect you with vetted. Dating experts from our network to help with everything from dating profile reviews coaching to see where you're getting stuck dating. And even waste to get real feedback about your dating style. The sessions typically run from thirty minutes to an hour and can all be done via skype or google hangouts. So you can be anywhere. We're so excited about this. So many of you wrote in asking how you can find people to help up your dating game. And this should be a great way to get personalised affordable advice. We'll be adding more coaches and more services and of course let us know. There's something specific you like to see to meet the coaches and book your session today. Dateable podcast dot com slash coaching. Now back to show. How does she let asian men know that she's interested in them. Because if i had met each a white woman. I would just assume she wasn't interested because my like gut reaction is that i am not someone she would find. Interesting way laurie. You do have a shirt that says i am your white horse right. If you're the white knight the white horses your white knight will make you. That be are couple. Wear you know you go on everything. The whole thing there's a perception. I'm just like inequality. Yeah how do you. How do you signal to men in general. I guess that you are interested in them. Or you're open to them hitting on you. I in response to that comment at. We'll have our know if these white girls are in to me are feeling that girls aren't for asian americans. Yes you're born in america. We have the american morals but still from your family. there are some cultural tendencies. That are still almost like hand to then. And so that being said living in japan and korea in on my attorneys. I've definitely picked up. This is how you flirt for this culture. This is how you know to you. So what are some of these techniques in house. They differ from the elliot our they different in asia versus the us to translate. I'm the biggest thing is skin ship. I know that's a very common term in asia. Not much here. But that's very innocent touching of the skin so are you know. That's kind of like your go in hundred percents. I'm into you move. Which to other people will look like oh. She just accidentally brushed his knee. I would say for japan or created by. Oh my gosh with me. Something day let's a. Us symbol also. Yeah hosoda maybe more on saving dating technique flirting techniques. The biggest line is holding contacts. You know no lines no random. Come up too. Hi there because that scares people are automatically. Put them on the defensive. I'm so you have the eye contact. You kinda look. Everyone feels when they're being stared at. So you get that feeling going look up and then you know you flirt back and forth a little bit with your eyes and then got query shows like no. She really is looking at me eventually. Work your way to each other. And then if i can tell the guys still not getting it whether it be me laughing talking to him or making a couple flirty comments i usually would be like. Oh that's so nice of you in grab their arm by just slightly bring it Just like okay. She's she actually is interested in me versus. I would say you know my right guy friends. Thank you you barely smile out and say. Hey and they're like oh my god. She's into me which is very different. Well i mean if you look at research we've all read the is asian men and black females get the least amount of messages with online dating and also they get hit on the least so when you are looking for signals and you are giving me signals.

00:30:04 - 00:35:02

Obviously these men are going to be receptive because they probably don't get it on a regular basis. Now i'm gonna ask you a question. And i feel like i'm setting you up for something. Because in our yellow fever episode are male who was into asian females. He said. I have to admit i do also prefer asian females because i have a higher chance of getting them. Do you feel like you have a higher chance of getting in asian male interest than not. I would say if you ask me that question highschool. When i didn't have a lot of confidence. I would say yes wholeheartedly At this stage in my life you know it's difficult. Because i think everyone after so much experience knows you're not going to be everyone's tight in so you get rejected or you'd be you can be accepted. I haven't really had as much experience around other races around my age in the dating scene. To really know you know. Is this tendency of myself. Going with asian men or is it more. You know the only time. I've been single an open the day and environments like that. It's been with a bunch of asian friends that aging clubs in asia. Let's say of every ten. Asian guys you show interest to how many of them would hit on you or approach you. How about. Except if i come to them because a lot i would say won't will come up to me. Morris ain't going to. Let's i would say unless they were like an asian american frat guy probably nine would say yes. Why why not. Asian american brat guy. 'cause they've had lots of white girls they have two quite growth. Whenever and so. If i'm coming up just to ohio under d they're like any other frat guy in america there to party in hook up with girls and so you know that's not really on their radar as much and i could be generalizing. I have some guy i know. You're nice got but for this so spy other question would be like i know you mentioned you. Approach them. Yeah do you think if you approached white man or african american man standing men. Do you think the result would be similar or do you think it's just because asian men don't get approached as often by white girls while let's really makes me work record that person. I think it's good to be honest if i'm completely honest. It's not hard for me to get a guides number or be asked out okay. it's still just like romy. Uncomfortable is sound like such an attractive girl. And if a girl gives a guy signals that she's open to yeah giving be approached and of course he's going to get it well. That's why i was asking sorry easing popped in my head though. It is more difficult for me though. If i flirt with guys to know if they're into near okay i don't look for the same cues as if i'm dating bright it goes again. Yeah yeah you were brought up with like. I just remembered the tuition. Hi flirted with that guy. But a few like i kind of got brushed aside but did i. I'm not sure in this year. S jimmy had came from one of the asian men that we pulled and he asked ever got judged for defeating asian men in how you treated those detractors. Oh yeah i would say white. Long girls see asian man. Get a shit from white guys. I would say other women say. What do they say you know. Everyone has to talk about. The peterson. guys. Love back to do with a bright. I think it's a lot of insecurity especially for white guides when a white woman despite openly chooses someone else over them. Pena's how blow to and it's all seattle like what can hurt the most like okay. Women why would they have a negative reaction. I think it's more insensitive to it. You know. I have a couple of white girlfriends dan hair and we will be talking about guys story and they'd be all into it making jokes like oh if few no multiple guys can hook me up amber Show their picture and their agents like the reaction will be like. Oh while they're agents not to agents almo- almost kind looks down that you you're going down dating down. I think So i speak to this. I actually in college dated asian guy in also hooked up with asian guy. But if you look at the ratio of those two people compared to everyone else in my life.

00:35:02 - 00:40:03

It's very minor. However all of my friends in college fixated on those two people for whatever reason. I don't know that there's a black stereotype. that's like. Oh you're dating up in. Like the asian man is dating and i definitely felt that like i felt like they were like fixating on that and it was almost like in a negative way wasn't in lake a positive. Yeah like i used to work for resort and this one woman came in blonde haired beautiful girl in her. Last name was lake though or something vietnamese last name and so it was a little surprised. Because i hadn't met another interracial couple and just like oh. Your last name is n. g. mealy gone defensive. Started like yeah. My husband is from vietnam. Do you have a problem with it. Well and that's where i like. Meat looks like oh sorry you know. I'm just saying my boyfriend's japanese immediately. She you know her family family after work and we had dinner and talked about everything in. It sounds like her family. That's like a constant struggle of people looking down hunting fact for dating someone or marrying someone asian you know. I've only been dating but you can feel the environment kind of shifts like other agents. Oh will what. What's wrong with white guys. Why are you doing mad but swooped onto some takeaways that we have from this conversation. I cannot believe we're having these conversations in twenty eighteen. I can't believe it you know in this sort of environment where we're supposed to be so much more liberal and so much more open minded than our parents generation. We still have these issues and they're sort of subliminal. I don't think we're Openly talking about it but the fact that you feel like you're looked down upon because you date use your men i. I can't argue with that. I see that as well and these should be issues in two thousand eighteen. Well i think our cultures made a lot of progress like we what we saw that there is the most interational couples dating apps. Yes cently in. It's getting there. But i think we can't fool ourselves. It's fully there at this point. And i think might takeaway is like i think lonzo throw around the term yellow fever like against every asian man that dates from non asian or a guy jackson asian woman and then vice versa. Here of there's a white girl that dates only men in it may not be fetish. Might just be because of their background and whatnot. So kind of looking at those deeper reasons and then going from there opposed to assuming that it's a fetish so also i. I just wanna say like. I am guilty of this. We need to stop judging other couples. Because we're not in a relationship. If i had met you at a bar lori and you told me only like asian men. I would've judge you hard not in a bad way but she really likes you. Know like asian men dote on her because she's way and they like that attention. I could've made so many guesses about you. That really just are so irrelevant for me. Why does even matter. I'm not in your relationships. I can't judge who you liken who you don't like and it's not just about race. I'm dating someone. Almost ten years older than me. I would have i easily finish. Is that in the beginning. Oh the older guy right. it's not a race thing but it's an age thing and people may judge people will find any reason to judge another couple even though they know nothing about them so we need to just leave it leave other people alone and just hold the judgments to ourselves because it's not productive in any way. Well if i could add onto that. I would say the biggest thing is instead of focusing so much on other people's relationships hauer they together. Why are they together. I mean a lot of people forget to focus on their own relationships. So there's always. I mean there's this whole thing with a couple goals relationship goals in looking at others. Why are we like that while you put more focus in your own relationship and said you know judging whether good or bad on another one though and then we'll to here. I could change your mind a little bit. And also when we talk about these like racial inequalities we always talk about it from the point of view of the more privileged race so we do sort of talk about white privilege and white people doing this. But i gotta say my brothers and sisters. We're feeding into this as well. Okay we are also contributing to these inequalities and we need to stop talking in this sort of vocabulary about writing the white horse and the white beautiful being pale and all that that also i understand media portrays asian ministered away but put up that question about.

00:40:03 - 00:45:01

Hey we're talk tasha. The white girl that likes to date prefers dating asian men. All the response to all the questions were like. Does she get judged for it. Like i'll visit like a came as a defensive. It wasn't like oh like great. She sees how smart we are. And how valuable. We are. How good partners we are in like barroga point gives it was only the negatives that were showing so i'm not going to speak because i'm not an asian male and i have no right to say anything in that regard but i think media says one thing it doesn't mean that that's how people have to internalize it absolutely and we enter we as asians internalize it to the fact that this question was framed. As how what advice would you give to other. Non asian women who are open to dating asia men. But not but they don't because they're afraid of being judged for it that's already assuming that they're getting show rs yet having judged so much just not put ourselves there. Let's just reframe this this scenario. Hopefully this conversation will give asia bed more confidence. I could say anything to that yar any of you men listening. I know quite a few hot girls who would love to be hit on by guys from across the way for two hours and they never come over but you sure about the other guys are gonna come over hero go. Let's it comes confident and you buy your seconds of courage. If you don't see your gun you don't see her but those are seconds. Make a big difference of just getting up and saying. Hey hey i like that okay. Great let's do a quick question of the day comes from eric. I'm dating my girlfriend for a little less than a year but we are pretty serious have even discussed marriage. The problem is that i am her first. Asian boyfriend privacy. She's white and sometimes. I feel like i'm being hidden. She told me she told her parents about us. But i haven't met them yet. They live locally. She doesn't have a ton of friends in the city but the only ones i've met her her neighbors besides this our relationship is great and she constantly tells me how much he loves me in day to day. Make each other very happy. Do you think i am being stashed. Is this meat answering. I mean all three of us can answer. If you have an opinion you can kick us off. I would be you know. give your own self. Some grace seems that a lot of these questions are 'cause i'm asian guy. There's something wrong with me. There's nothing wrong all that negativity. You're feeling if you're thinking about your work for the negative in what's going on. It just sounds like you know she kind of has a close. Knit thing maybe asked. Why haven't we met parents yet. That's a big difference for law. White families introduced boyfriends before. We're even dating kinda ask about that if you wanna meet her parents to say hey you know we've been together for a couple months. How would you feel about this. That opens the ground of conversations. So inside this worrying about it yourself. Were giving her a chance to actually answer I think meeting parents means different things to different people and it sounds like aria. They're serious but they haven't been together for like ten years. She's never met the pair or he's never parents couple months. I think like you said laurie. It's just having that conversation. But i definitely get from this. It's just assuming it's race in. That's the reason why they're being stashed where there's a chance that could be also. There's a chance that might not be. Yeah i liked how you said. Laurie that your i go-to shouldn't be about your insecurities about your own race. And that's what it sounds like. He's going to is on asian she has wii and she stashing me. There may be bigger issues. I think the bigger issue is. They're not on the same page if she needs to be more transparent with him and she's not what is she hiding right. I know he needs to open up that conversation and really talk about. Hey i don't feel comfortable in a relationship right now. Because i feel like i'm being neglected i feel like i'm being hidden. Can we discuss why. We're not open about our relationship right. Yeah if it's race or something apply if it could be a. She may have to other from take. Who knows if it is about race i would say by now your partner would have made it clear at a year together. There's gonna be saying that. Come up this kind of sounds like you know. He's been really hard on himself. He needs to get rid of that in just again as you. It sounds like there's something else that has nothing to do with the race that they could talk about cool. Laurie you're in la. Are you single right now. At this moment. I an all right. If you travel down to so cal or live in so cal we gotta following their. Yeah live in so cal or just do the commute from san francisco mulas in san francisco. Not that i do it once. A month You can meet laurie with there.

00:45:01 - 00:47:36

You have to be asian. That is not a requirement fat all. But it's it's nice. If you are. And i think that's it. Yeah yeah thank you for retelling their story. The white horse is so novel to me. I've never heard that before. Thanks for introducing that to us. We have many t shirt ideas to that. I mean i think this whole concept of racist. I mean it's interesting because for years it was just like kind of hidden segregated races and now there's definitely everyone coming together but they're still some taboo topics about it. There are still differences in dating. So if other people have other stories we'd love to hear an interracial that owed him some sort of challenge me. Meanwhile your parents were on board. And then they became on board or just any story about your interracial dating love these types of topics absolutely. Okay lens wrap this up. Say all the little your action item for this week to stop judging other people's relationships you never know what's going on with other people and you never have the full picture i'll as if you're in the relationship so judging and be more curious this episode of dateable is brought to you by five hundred brunches. Five hundred branches connects like minded people with similar interests to meet in real life over brunch. You answer quick questionnaire about your interest and how you spend your time and then they'll match you in small groups of six to eight at a brunch spot in san francisco get a free entry into our brench now by signing up at five hundred branches dot com and using the code date. Able if you know already. We have a revamped website with articles videos and content all about modern dating. You can also find our premium why series where we dissect analyze and offer solutions to some of the most common dating conundrums. We've had some great feedback. About how actionable these episodes are so check them out on our website or items music also visit the site today to see the latest about coaching where we connect you with. Dateable approved experts to help with everything from dealing profile reviews coaching and even gathering real feedback about your dating style in personalized and affordable way to connect with us visit dateable. Podcast dot com. You can also find us on facebook twitter and instagram. All under dateable podcasts. Don't forget to subscribe an auto download the podcast on itunes. Or your favorite podcast player. So you never listen episode.

Dateable Podcast
Yue Xu & Julie Krafchick

Is monogamy dead? Are we expecting too much of Tinder? Do Millennials even want to find love? Get all the answers and more with Dateable, an insider’s look into modern dating that the HuffPost calls one of the ‘Top 10 podcasts about love and sex’. Listen in as Yue Xu and Julie Krafchick talk with real daters about everything from sex parties to sex droughts, date fails to diaper fetishes, and first moves to first loves. Whether you’re looking to DTR or DTF, you’ll have moments of “OMG-that-also-happened-to-me” to “I-never-thought-of-it-that-way-before.” Tune in every Wednesday to challenge the way you date in this crazy Dateable world.