Sex & Sexuality

S6E14: So I went to a sex party...

Dateable Podcast
May 22, 2018
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Sex & Sexuality
May 22, 2018

S6E14: So I went to a sex party...

We discuss what brings people to this community, why a strong consent culture is so essential, and what exactly happens at a play party.

So I went to a sex party...

Natalie takes us through her first experience at a sex party where we recorded an Organ House event and talked with other partygoers as well. We discuss what brings people to this community, why a strong consent culture is so essential, and what exactly happens at a play party.

Episode Transcript

S6E14 So I went to a sex party

00:00:00 - 00:05:01

The Dateable podcast is an insider's look into modern dating that the Huffington post calls one of the top ten podcast about love and sex. On each episode, we'll talk to real daters about. From sex parties to sex droughts, date fails a diaper fetishes and first moves to first loves. I'm your host Yue Xu, former dating coach turned dating sociologists. You also hear from my co host and producer Julie Krafchick as we explored this crazy dateable world.

This episode of dateable is brought to you by five hundred brunches. Five hundred branches connects like minded people with similar interests to meet in real life over brunch. You answer a questionnaire about your interest and how you spend your time. And then they'll match you in small groups of sixty eight at a brunch spot in san francisco get a free entry into a brench now by signing up at five hundred brunches dot com and using the code date able the following content contains explicit sexual content and noises so be aware before blasting this at work in your car or in front of miners. We have partnered with oregon house. A bay area community devoted to normalising. Nominal me and sexual exploration. They pride themselves a strong culture of consent and safety and we want to make sure that message is heard throughout this piece whether you end up at a play party or through your own dating life. Hey everyone welcome to another episode of dateable a show all about modern dating. We just came back from play party and what's play parties where people go fuck. It was a sex party. We've been waiting for this to happen for months and months and months. So it's you know. Julian i had sex party on our calendar or very long time. A good thing. We share that calendar with any of our relatives but we just came back from one and it was a success. We also brought someone with us. Her name is natalie first time since partygoer. She's thirty two years old grew up in the south and she's been living in the bay area for the past ten years single and ready to mingle financially. Good morning hello sunshine. Let's take everyone through the steps of what happens. Pre during and post up play party before the party began we found out belly. And you know we were at brunch. I think and we met. Natalie like you know work. We might be going to this sex parties sometime this month in. She was pretty curious. Do remember that conversation. I do i. I have heard about sex parties for a while. Now and so totally peaked. My interest when you guys brought it up in. Let's talk through what you thought about when we when we brought up this idea of going to the party and recording meteor experience there it's been kind of a rollercoaster failings mike. Should i really do this. Do i know what i'm getting myself into. Is this going to be something. That i can never unsee so leading up to it. There were there. Were a lot of questions and some apprehension of a. Is this going to be my seen enough. Yeah i think that's probably the normal set of questions that everyone goes through and just to give you guys some background. A few seasons ago. We had been in kate on an episode talking about polly. Emory nontraditional relationships. And they're a married couple. They are poly. And they throw these giant norma sex parties and they used to do this at their house and you know at lake capacity of like ab people. But now it's gone beyond like two hundred pl with their group oregon. How their group oregon house so they expanded into this much bigger space. And that's where we were at last night so before you went to the party. You had a conversation with kate on the phone. Here's a clip of that. Hi my name's. Kate harm. And i wanna six of oregon house events I wanna say thank you sound registered leaking retirement to talk to me. We have this conversation every single member who attempts to. That's the goal calls to go over our parties consent culture your responsibilities as guests and also to make sure they answer any questions that you have so let me first start the A little bit more about work at house and when it is we. Oregon also is an organization that throws monthly public and private events for the minority missing unity. And anybody curious about nabi You're on this call. Because you've been invited to one of our private events and our providence are play parties which basically means if this is the extra army. You can do almost anything you want here. As long as you're doing it in a mutual consensual way that is sexual of the venue and the season entries at the people around. You work in houses not just a sex party though. This is a community of really wonderful people. This is not a club where you're gonna come and meet a lot of anonymous. People are never going to see again.

00:05:01 - 00:10:06

So it's a little different from others expertise that you might want your heard of before we welcome people of all gender relationship and quarrying titians and that means people might have radically different idea about what gender means to them than what it means to you or i are members. Have pretty diverse references. Some people identify ask poly-amorous some people identify swingers. Some folks arm anonymous. And they're just here for the party because it's rarely get. If i do myself you do not have to participate at all. You are more than welcome to just come. He bought close on and check it out. You know meet people make friends and see if this is something that you'd like to try a teacher. We like to describe this as as zero expectation high possibility environment. Nobody is guaranteed to anything by a but anything can happen so my goal is just throw a great house hardy with music and good people and everything else is about us. They kind of you. The ground rules for participating in these parties and the most important aspect is this aspect of affirmative consent. That you should only move forward with someone if you're totally comfortable they're totally comfortable. And you verbalize that. And i think that's a really cool principle beyond just a sex party. Yeah and it's something that our society doesn't actively teach people so that was one element of the community. That i thought was really important and a good thing. Yeah so you had a few months to prepare because we saw x. Party right away but it took us awhile. How did you prepare for the night. That finally happened well. When we first started talking about this they added me to the facebook group so i just was reading the post that they were putting up and kind of getting a sense of what the people in the community were interested in talking about and it was definitely a kink year world than i ever been part of in the past And you know just being open reading reading stuff about that. They posted or other websites and stuff on the internet about non traditional relationships And just kind of getting an idea of what philosophy is behind that and it's really interesting stuff but most importantly to wear. I mean this great. We're talking about like philosophical. Lego like alsatian behind the sex parties. But honestly you're like. What am i going to wear over outlay outfit choices in. What did you end up going with well. At one point i went to. I went to like lingerie store in whiskey mountain buying this sort of see through top with a broader neath and a high waisted skirt. I thought that was sexy. But you have to go to a pre party before you go to the action forty two am. I thought that so. I need to dress in a way. That i could go to the first party. So i just. I went with the short classic black dress. I had on like cute panties and cute broad underneath but it wasn't like the focus was a lingerie right in. This one was james bond theme as well. There's the right kind of does help out a little in terms of costume idea. yes hannah they've done early twenties or something like that to write about an hour before the party began. I came down to you as you were getting ready. And here's a little clip from that. It ring natalie right before the sex party. She's already On a bed. So you're already prepared. How are you feeling. I guess a little apprehensive. Because i have no idea what to expect but I can't believe it's finally here. We've been waiting to do this for a while. So we're about an hour before the party starts. there is a pre party. What are some things that you're worried about right now. I really don't wanna see a lot of balls slapping ball slanted. Let's number one worry. Is there anything you did to prepare for. Tonight showered and did all the normal things you do in your shower including shaving landing strip and there's a little more than that. Well i think about to find out. We'll see i actually was thinking you should hear the really the only person i don't want to see if i do catch you having sex. I just won't tell you i saw you. How's that until tomorrow morning girl. I didn't know you like like that. As long as there's no contact during we'll be good okay. So then it's time for the pre party. We meet natalie and julie in a new going oakland for a sex party.

00:10:06 - 00:15:08

free party. Thinks that the uber driver was just won't do and in the beginning the three of us were so good about keeping a vaguely. Like oh do you think it's going to happen. Who do you think is going to be there. And then it was like. Are you gonna fuck headphones it. He's like i don't know what's happening. I don't know let me show up at like the taibbi spar. Also we're like. Is this where we're supposed to get off and think that was part of the most memorable experience of the night to because the dive bar you walk in. It expected everyone. Was there for the sex party but the front row definitely did not fit the high ball game going. Yeah i realized it was very lake. Lumberjack under landlord is girls to legs this people for this play party but then we went to the back room and then it became a lot more clear. People were dressed in things that look james bond issue yes at least they Her in shirts new. What are we there. There was a lot of things that happened. First of all we scoped out the room like okay. This could happen. I was quitting. He's in that way. It was definitely not in that way. What we noticed was a lot of people were showing up as a couple get right and they were like flirting and talking socializing as a couple and one woman came up to us. She's married. her husband was talking to someone else and she came over and told us like everyone is here at a lot of them are here as couples but they do do independent activities had a sex party at but at the pre party is like the floor. Play to the sex party. Anything else happen there. The closest i got to probably to hooking up with anyone part and a lumberjack like man came up me just kind of stared me down in the is immune grabbed me by the jacket and shook me around And we all thought he was going to the party. We did really awkward interaction. Like are you guys here. Are you here for the party. What party you're for the no. We're not on the same page at. Yeah no you're definitely not here for the party. But he assad natalie across the room and just had to come and talk to her. So you know julian thinking my gosh. What if she found the one at a sex party pre party bar but then we kind of pushed the envelope a little bit. And we're like. I was really impressed with you as ability as you get the information out of him. Which was that he had a girlfriend and yes yes. I kept lingering earn in comment. I think this is interesting. We made a comment if we had Play party yeah where he was there with his girlfriend. It would have been totally fine. Yeah but here like in this context it was like or it was wrong it was like oh he kept saying oh i have a girlfriend and we are in a committed relationship to me. That meant monogamous relationship. Right but at a play party who would ever say that right. It was such an interesting. You go do your thing so around nine thirty rolls around. We're ready to go to the party. That's right around the corner. I feel good. I feel a little bit apprehensive. Still right that's the word i used earlier and we walk in. Let's describe what we're seeing natalie. Okay so you walk in in the first open. Space is the one public space in the in the building. Then there's people kind of hanging around but then you kind of meander down this hallway and into the sex cavern and there's there's feds in sheets in shares and sex contraptions. Was it the third hour that was new that they mentioned. Yeah so the there was a main room and then you go through like a miniature hallway and it opens up into the dungeon room and they kept saying like this is the new area. This never been built before and the dungeon room. Had all these Contraptions i never seen before was a super curious. What people looked like an electric chair in their day or you ties. Yeah someone down yeah. It's like like medical seats to grab. Yeah pap smear anna's different experience. But i think what was interesting least me when i heard like this community space like i kinda felt like us little unsexy but like what was interesting.

00:15:08 - 00:20:07

They ben. One of the hosts told us that basically the space has been bought by people in this community in. That's what it's primarily for at this point and they really have like done like an amazing job with the space. He really they really did. It was such like it felt like a. I don't know it felt like a house party in a way yes it was very intimate but then it was like elaborate house party ride decorations and like pretty light. There was like edm but it was like pretty chill But it was. Yeah some of you are going to wonder about the logistics and also like the cleanliness in the safe sex aspect of of sex parties abuse. Are things we noticed. They were condoms. everywhere. I don't think i found a corner without condoms. Leuven condoms everywhere cleaning products everywhere. Those like disinfectant wipes were everywhere also. There was a woman who was in charge of making sure everything was clean all the time so she like went around and cleaned. The apparatus is and she liked changes. Change the sheets. So i would say they were as clean as they could get. Will someone mentioned like people that are so sexually. Active tend to be very clean concerned with cleanliness. Because it's so like top of mind and so concerned with std's which the questions and topics people ask here. Actually things people don't really ask like just out in the boughedir on tinder date. Yeah one of the things when you're talking about consent when i notice was when we were in the dungeon room oh girl came up to another girl and said. Can i touch your. But you're that the girls like oh yes sure. It was like so much concern even between same-sex said when we met the girl we met one girl we saw another girl down there that we've met the pre party chief and asked if she at this point was like in her lingerie our and she asked like. Can i hug you is. Yeah i get wasn't just like just like hugged. Like met her like ten minutes earlier at this like bar in a very different context and just so not used to have that sort of behavior you know to to ask permission for everything but that's how it is a play fake. What kate was saying. When you don't have close when people don't have clothes on our less close even like a small touch can feel very elevated. Yeah that's true. That's why the hugging even needed consent. I actually realized when i was walking through the big crowd before anybody was really naked. That i place my hand on. Someone's back and kind of skewed by them. And i thought to myself immediately after i did that like you shouldn't have done that because they don't know who i am and it was from behind so that's true that's true just have to be more conscious now would normally as with any house party in the beginning. Not that many people are there. So we're seeing like very diverse people coming in trickling in summer in costume somewhere in lingerie and some people are disconnected already and some people are in like more standard close like we were like dresses in pants. Yes yes we talk about what men were wearing a little more. Because i know that people had that question calls like okay. Get what women career with laundry guys. What do they wear to this type of. I felt like most of the men Most of them wore like normal clothes or like tuxes or something like that with like bow ties and tie up but then a lot of them but a lot of thought into their underwear. Yeah never seen so much unique men's underwear while the actually the most striking guy was the guy just a normal pair of boxers year-round never kind of oversized puffy. Looks like he was walking to his door to get the newspaper. Like some guys like that had like the blazer. Yeah in then like more of like there was some like briefs boxers. Yeah sorts of things events up people. That just weren't wearing anything at all out of magic mike. Everyone looked like they belong. Awesome of it was the theme to write true. Yeah the interesting thing was. It was a one of the hallways before he really get into the party. It has a budget cubicles in set like anywhere. You go to yoga class. How she yeah by the an hour into that party. The cubicle was so full hat. Yai clubs everyone just like drops their stuff. Yeah just just disrobe right. Yeah layers and layers of clothes. There was some women in straight up. Gowns yeah ballgown. Well they were definitely taking the james bond larry again. You're right. I forgot about that. Also i also saw on women who Dislike wardrobe changes throughout the night came in like address and the midway through there in lingerie and then they were like an lacy dress and then there were like an post party.

00:20:07 - 00:25:10

As i don't know there's a lot of wardrobe changes you have to bring a lot of shit to a sex party but the great thing about this party. Was everybody pretty much showed up by nine o'clock. I like yeah. Someone made a comment like this is the only party that people actually get here on time. Yeah to get their consent speech. Yeltsin was given by co-host alisyn. Here's a clip of that consent. Speech speech party at First of all. I would like to thank everybody for being here. There's a shitload of you. Nowadays awesome to begin with. I like to go over some ground rules before before we get started. You can do almost anything you want here so long as you do it in a mutually consensual way. That's respectful to face around you and the people around you don't have to play hugh you can just be here. Keep your clothes on and have a good time now. Lease only act on enthusiastic send. That's that's i and we don't be afraid to say no if somebody asks you to do something with the plate and saying no and please be played hearing no please. Don't ask somebody for an explanation or keep asking over and over. You can vote. You can send at anytime. We purposely cultivate an environment. Where you can test your boundaries and sometimes you find them. Make sure that you've prepared ahead of time to be able to say no. I want to stop now. When you're three lashes into strapped up on the cross pro. It sounded like was gonna be an awesome time then turned out. Engine sense is always conditional other participants ability to revoke consent I also really like to say. I see a lot of new faces here and i love that. We're a community and we're an awesome people and more than this being a sex party. It's a bunch of people that want to come together and either for each other so reach somebody new tonight and beyond that you naked and have a great time so then we were introduced to peaches are sex parties sherpa. She was amazing. She gave us a rundown of pretty much. Exactly by the minute happens. Here's a clip of that. I'm sex sector sexy done. Mother also is a name that i go by the role that i was born to play with vice. You give never expert service. So they host their own orientations. And then whenever i bring people i make them attend my orientation. Tell them i tell them. If it's your first sex party come with the expectation that you're not going to play. Just come with the expectation that and you might not even stay the whole time. You're going to observe. You're gonna make new friends. You're gonna treat it a lot like any other party where some people happened to you make it and fucking and then if you really feel comfortable with it and you feel called to interact with people and play maybe with your partner or maybe with a couple of new people than do it but if you come in with the expectation like okay. I'm at a sex party. Have to have sex. I've got a people have sex with. He wants to have sex with me. You're going to really bad time so just like there's no such thing as taking it to slow. There is such thing as taking too fast and these happen every month. So there's no need to rush read down. It's not all right so this is one of the only parties where it's called for nine and everyone shows up at nine. Did you guys notice that. Yeah everyone gets here nine because you don't wanna miss the content speech so nine o'clock everybody gets their people are in their clothes and it looks a lot like any other party except that there's one naked guy when you get here s. is naked immediately every time It which is just wonderful. He's wonderful naked man and sometimes one other naked guy But other than that looks like a normal party and people are kind of mingling and a little bit awkward sticking with their friends. Starting to kind of look around. Who's here The consent speech usually happens by nine thirty. And then it's like that's like kinda the bell of like all right like the gong parties happening But still people are getting warmed up so nine thirty to ten. Thirty people are starting to take off their costumes. And they're in their sexy lingerie whatever that means to them and you'll start to see some people playing in the corners. Some couples will start playing and then around around ten ten thirty eleven. You'll start to see couples fucking and maybe they're involving groups of threes maybe groups of four and then between like to midnight things start to really pick up steam a lotta.

00:25:10 - 00:30:01

The horizontal space gets covered Between midnight and two am it's like fuck fast Like a lot of naked people. The laundry has been thrown in a corner groups of two three four five six. Maybe we'll be playing with each other. You'll hear a lot more noises. You'll hear moaning. And slopping sounds getting spanked and the smells swill shift and it's really hard to find horizontal space at that point. It's there will always be people at the bar getting snacks. Carb loading in between sessions Drinks rehydrating and then from two. Am to whenever kind of start to die down. And then it's like the like the people who are gonna be up all night and it gets a little bit quieter but then there's still some really interesting stuff going on and that's how it goes every single time. Exactly the same. So as the party's getting started i was hungry. I need to get in on that cheese platter. If you talk to people who've been to sex parties in there like the sometimes the food is really good so get in on that food. We were by the cheese platter listening to people talking. It was just great people watching. And kinda let natalie rome off on her own and julian. I went to a different room and started talking to the various party goers i came and there are a lot of couples that were willing to talk to us. Here's some clips of the couples. We met so we are couple who live together and we are not harka call probably non hierarchical poly-amorous what does that mean well means we're basically free to negotiate commitments with anyone in our life in a way. That is respectful forever. But it's not. Like i think the thing trying to avoid is your my girlfriend and therefore there are rules about exactly who were allowed to meet and at what times we don't let anything in our relationship dictate ahead of time the scope of any future relationship that being said that all sounds pretty out there most of the time. We're just a regular cup. Like i don't know we cook shitting the instant pot and like i dunno. Talk about jobs and stuff. It's pretty normal. And what are your expectations when you come to a sex party together. I'm just happy. I can say pass manet kind of a morning person so we just like to meet people have find great way to find attractive people in the dating world and how many sex parties have you have. You guys meant to low double digits. Not exactly sure the number but around that right yeah. Sometimes we really cool people. Both of us have. I dated people for more prolonged periods to we met and play parties but also sometimes we just talked to some friends for a bit maybe have sex with each other and then go home like really really very. Give us your background. What what is your relationship. So we've been together a little over nine years who met back in college and we were monogamous for. I think the first or four years and started to open up and so we've had over noise ships and son. How does sex parties. How does that play into your relationship. Honestly it's we're still kind of easing into this scene so we've been two three of these parties so far and we so far i've only had sex with each other It's nicer just kind of fee in a room with a lot of people who are non monogamous. 'cause i'm like this isn't a thing i can really talk about work. You know what you don't talk about. Nominee mia word. But it's like this important thing in my life that i'm spending a lot of mental and emotional energy trying to figure out but i can't really talk about it with a lot of people who are in my life so it's really nice to have found this community where everybody is so open and friendly about it and you can just kind of talk to people openly about. Yeah like you're the challenges in our open relationship. Like how do you guys deal with that and your third time here the last two times. You only have sex with each other. Did you guys talk about expectations for today for tonight on the way here. The thing that we discussed was okay. Our goal is to talk to three new people and like maybe something will happen but like basically the goal is to try to expand our social net and get more comfortable like talking to people who who we think are not necessarily like a sexual goal. What would you say to a couple whose here at us expert for site. I would say.

00:30:01 - 00:35:06

Don't assume anything about your partner or anyone else who are going to be interacting with and be be solicitous of how they're feeling like ask questions definitely ask for and pursue what you want. Don't make assumptions that you're gonna get it. And then there are some single people who came with friends and what happens for you. Typically at a sex party i find most enjoyment by making new connections with people and that doesn't involve necessarily involve sex. Maybe we don't even take her clothes off at all to. Maybe we play in touch a little. Bit of all of my deepest emotional connections have truly some of them have truly of been evolved from sex parties and we do other things other than just go to sex parties like. Yeah like go out to lunch like brunch like go normal shifts. So what do you think about tonight. Do you think you're going to. You're going to have sex with someone tonight. I go into these. Honestly even when i have a partner go into these on when the head space like. I don't expect no expectations high probability. That's always been my way of thinking. And honestly if if i'm expecting sets sight ends up having the police fund because i'm expecting it's much putting too much pressure on myself. I know that's not what. I have a good head space so i like to just let the night low the way it's going to flow and if i have sex great great. It's still a good time. You look good time. This is this right now. You can't see what's happening right now but this party right now. It's it's yet tonnage. And then there were some words of advice from to co host. Here's ben then your jacket off. Is the shirt coming off soon to we were. Yeah it'll talk coming off pretty soon. I mean i'm guessing you wanna participate in your own part. The honest truth. Is that the more successful. Your party is in the more strangers are here unless you get to participate so the likelihood of me participating tonight low talk to a lot of couples who come together. What is the general consensus here for. Couples come and they display with each other. Or what do you see happening. The mouse we see a lot of everything and it's a very individual decision and it changes for people depending on where they are their relationship with. They're feeling like that night. And one of the ways that were fundamentally different winters parties that there's no expectation that it's going to be like two couples sobbing partner is just doesn't work very well so people in europe thing. I mean you can tell. There's a lot of people. Here that are just chatting and ellis so basically you got naked before else is sort of like a tradition for you. Yeah i'm pretty much naked. One hundred percent of the time. Every time that i can be do people recognize you with pantheon oftentimes. Not it's been a very serious problem in my life. That people will not actually recognize me. Close anywhere to the vice for people coming here for the first time. It's not nearly as intimidating as you think that it is It's entirely possible to just come here. Keep your clothes on and not have some creepy ersan. Come up to you and make you feel really uncomfortable and in fact it's mostly just like any other party that you've been do just you're allowed to have sex and express sexuality here in a way that you're not allowed to in almost any other circumstance and nine inch pena's having to say as a lawyer. I i have to stop this lead frustrating so as julian. I are in the front room. Talking to party goers. What happened to natalie we wanna know. Why are you doing the other room. Because we didn't follow you around the whole time there was. There was a time that i was talking to a couple and just talking about their experiences at parties in i was doing my own little journalistic endeavor. I walked around but it was definitely. I didn't necessarily feel totally comfortable just standing in the middle of the room without knowing anybody and i guess that gets to a point which is this really is a community and so many of the people in the room knew each other. Had you know relationships that predated that party and you got the sense that to really be part of the community needed to know people or at least come to more of these events right because it did feel like a lot of people knew each other and they knew each other very well but they do they're so welcoming they are yes and they kind of like.

00:35:06 - 00:40:14

Let me show you around. But when the party starts you know they have their own business to do to. And also i feel like a few people mentioned that they wouldn't necessarily slick hook up or play with a newbie Which has an interesting. And that's what we heard from a lot of couples and the people a lotta partygoers said if you come the first time here. Don't expect to play. Don't expect to get action. You're just here trying to take it. All in acclimated yet. Acclimate is a great word for that. So you're walking around. You met a couple. You're just trying to take in everything that's happening. Describe to us what you're seeing Well i think right. After the consent speech people started to engage as there was a woman who had been naked basically since she walked in the door and she gets on the stage and spreads her legs and put their arms up and started getting whipped and she had these big welts on her body. And obviously like you mentioned. There's men walking around naked. Just lots of penis everywhere which was cool. A lot of big data said i guess it solves slicing bio area impressed by the size and girth of the pitas is walking around and of course then that they belong to not to say that all sizes are welcome. Yeah yeah yeah yeah. It was but it was definitely like it didn't disappoint what else. What else were you saying. It was a carnival for the is there were people being tied up. You know just the middle section where there was basically an orgy and at some point walked up the stairs and kind of got overhead view. Yes which was actually kinda cool but it was different than watching porn. Striking thing is it. It felt different. I don't know how to say well. All your senses are being stimulated this point. I mean when you're watching porn. You don't really know what's going on that room but will your through a screen to ear. You're not as like so there's a there's a feeling of like you're blocking someone else without without their permission and both of you said you really uncomfortable watching like top area. The three of us were standing in like a guy joined us to. It was kind of watching as well. Yeah but like. We felt like awkward. Like i felt like i was like shouldn't be watching but then i'm like this is why people are here exactly ally in about it. And he's like no people like to be walked. It's totally cool at some point. I just wanna grab some popcorn. I wanted to watch just like so entertaining. Because in the beginning there was just a lot of foreplay lot of whipping tying up but then probably half an hour later. People were fucking. There was definitely penetration yet and in that main room. When you have a bird's eye view you see like six or seven couples going at it and the configurations change pretty much by the second and it's just really a feast for your eyes the entire time. I remember going down there to talk to them at some point and he's fully closed. He's running around. He's like trying to make sure everyone's having fun of this party and this couple behind him is going so hard that his body is vibrating. because he's dead. Try to have a very normal conversation with me. And it's like oh going at it like how this would never happen anywhere and i will say in a way. It wasn't that weird. Yeah yeah. It wasn't that weird. See other people having sex. I don't know it dry. I thought it would be more strange. I think yeah. Yeah but why. Is that because your expectations were there right. You knew hatton sides exactly exactly. I also thought what was really interesting about the whole experience was is really empowering for women i kept seeing women initiate and bringing different men. There was one girl in the main room. She likes six men on her and every guy that walked by should be like join joy. She was like the queen. B right there come join us and then she'd be like okay. You're done julie. Six men on her like touching every crevice on her body pretty much. Amazing what what happened to you natalie. I still don't know what we're really happened. Well i think the my my role was mostly as voyeur like. I was watching observing everything. So i mean. I don't mean to disappoint anyone. But i didn't know penetrating not kissing which i felt like i would definitely be down for but like i said i think it takes time to get to know a community and really i mean you.

00:40:14 - 00:45:10

You don't just walk up to someone and start having sex with them or making out with them. Unless you've been making eye contact all night so you know you you needed to build a relationship. I think probably because it was totally new. It was hard to even really be comfortable flirting with someone. I don't know if that would be the case. If i win a second time but certainly that first time you're just kind of overwhelmed with all of the newness all of the everything and how does this operate in. What are people going to be doing throughout the night. But that was in line with what everyone said to. They were actually. I was surprised how everyone was like. I think you go in with your expectations. That you're going to have saxons actually not met in like kind of like a misnomer that that happens necessarily time in like most times. It's actually does take that time. And like one woman was saying that like every time she beats them on when she sees them the next time that kind of opens that door and who was it that told us. Most people who go to sex parties are introverts yet. That way is wild. Come out and one of the things that really helped with the awkwardness in the social situation. Was the people getting naked yet. When people are naked you just have like literally no law any party or any community if everyone knows each other. You're coming in fresh. There's an adjustment period. I think that's what happened in the more you get to know people. Even the women we talked to. Next time we were to go back. We could see them again and then they could introduce us to people. It's kind of like typical parties. Yeah very typical and what One of the other things. I noticed from the party was there. Was something happening. Pretty much every corner even if you go to the bathroom which we all gender bathroom people making out in their showering together actually walked in this girl's like oh she's having someone else she's like. Do you remember a showering together last time. And it's like oh. I do realize that could be an area where you meet and socialize. Two people were in the sauna together. It was a lot of things happen. Said like i feel like people were very welcoming and friendly. So it's not like they weren't. I think it was just like us as newbies like. He had to get adjusted. People wanted to let you in bring you talk about this yes you yes. Okay and then. Was there anybody that you. I'm natalie the guy blazer memory talking. I don't think i ever even gotten your. That's true because there is the one that i saw the pre party. That never can either. I mean were like what two hundred people there too. Yep feel like if though because it was so spread out. Yeah yeah and you don't know where they're hiding out on the list true they could have been like in another room that yeah out where you were and some people come when they come as a couple we noticed some the couples come. They have excellently. Leave yeah it didn't really engage in two other couples. I think couples that have been before. It seemed like one couple. We talked to their first time and they kind of did their thing than laughed but other couples that may became more often. Did that the first time that the next time got like eased into it a bit more than eventually. Got to the point where they were like doing their own days. Yeah it does seem like a process for couples who go that. They're not necessarily always open to the idea of playing with other people but they they're they want to play with each other in that space right and whether they move beyond that and start playing with other people. Is you know each individual couple. Does something different but it was interesting to see that aspect trim yet. Yeah for sure now before you went to the party now you showed me your new underwear really proud of your new underwear. Let's say at the party. Someone came up to you and said can you show me your underwear. Do you think you would have done it. Maybe yeah i would have been like okay. I think anyone would have been sent to under felt like that wasn't the way like the conversations were how the hell i thought it was going to die and it was actually a lot more normative. If you wanted to show your underwear it was kind of on you to strip down underwear and then that would open the conversation. I think if someone came up to you when you were fully in a black dress it would've been invasive to be like. Show me your underwear. Yeah and actually. I kept wondering when people will you know everyone gets naked. It's like what how does that. What does that look like. Why does everyone get naked. But now that. I've been make sense that like when you take your clothes off you kind of invite everyone to let that wall down with you but i also like people did stress like a law and i saw this as well as you didn't have to do anything this was all up to you in your comfort level.

00:45:10 - 00:50:03

You could strip down a hundred percent. You could wear a bra and underwear boxers or you could be fully dressed as we maintained in. No one like no one like gave us like for being fully dressed but we also didn't necessarily invite the attention as much that's true that's true. It's yes you can totally just blend into the background at a sex party or you can come out and do your thing. That's the nice thing right. You have the choice right option. It's one of those things the more you go the more you gradually ease into it. Yeah so what are some of our takeaways from this whole experience. 'cause i would definitely say it was an experience for all so many so many. I think one thing. I found interesting. Was i think my expectation was kind of all or nothing like when i asked people ask me about. The party are gonna have sex this party in like. Oh maybe we can take lightly lake make out or like all the middle ground which people started to expose me to as we start talking to them they like. It doesn't need to be all or nothing. There's many different variants that you can go for I think the other the other striking point was that community aspect. the more. you're part of the community. The more comfortable you'd be participating and engaging with people in the room and The community really fosters that so it seems like something. Where if you go a couple of times you meet more and more people becomes more and more comfortable totally. I mean piggybacking on that community aspect. We spoke to a couple who said well. We're going through something in our relationship and we find that when we come to this sort of community. People are understanding of and they can give us advice about where we're going and i thought that was really interesting because i think a lot of couples go through these nev- lucien in the relationship. Where they're kind of going outside a nominee naga me or nontraditional. They don't know who to talk to you. And this is the perfect community to talk to. You wouldn't think that this will be like a place. Yeah therapy but i think that was also something that we've found is like. Yeah there were the people having sex absolutely but there were people that were just like chilling near the cheese in like having conversations felt more like a party. It wasn't like all again. it wasn't the all or nothing. It was very tons of different middle ground. Yeah and you literally just come get your business and leave with business with. I learn all something. I think of network for a job of jacqueline at work. But if you were curious about. Let's say like rope bondage. I think this is like a great place to come in and be an intern. Hey can you show you observe to yeah. You don't have to do anything. Like which is also really well. And i will say even just being part of the facebook group i read some posts about rope bondage whenever call it and then i was interested in it and i looked for it at the party and is awesome people doing it and i was like okay so this is what it looks like. If i was interested in doing it more this would be a good place to continue talking to ya. I think like what also another takeaways obviously like being open like this is definitely something that isn't necessarily the norm but everyone they're definitely headed very open perspective they like l. a. Lot of talked about like how it changes your views on sexuality inches not making necessarily a transactional thing were like necessarily a ton of emotions but it could just be fun to act. So i think that was all really interesting and also i mean to me like i was definitely expecting more of a singles meat market right in to not have that at all. Well then we went to harper and riot afterwards such a different environment because we left around one am and we didn't get to the point where peaches said at some point. There's no horizontal space. Everyone's We didn't get to that point yet but we will be back for one of these parties so we decided to go to harper and ri- and the minute we walked in all three of us were like. Wow such a different vibe. We get reacclimated to like just a typical bar where everyone's closed and there's no like i don't know when the closer off you just don't feel like there's like intimidation talking to someone but when the closer on your at a bar. Everyone's just still like to themselves right. People approached us at her versions out the actual.

00:50:05 - 00:55:03

So there's something about like at a sex party when sex is always an option. It kind of takes the pressure and the attention off of sex yet. When you're at a bar or sex may not be an option it makes it kind of focused definitely weird. It was weird. It was great. We re acclimate. Yeah because it was a totally different five and world and yeah and that's why it was weird when those guys came up to us. We did get approach more at harvard. Right kazan. a to me. It was like. Oh the underlining purposes you want to have bags but then we're at a sex party of someone came up to us. I just be like oh. You're curious to get to know me because we could end up having sex. It's a different vibe washer. So would you go back to a again i would go back Would you do differently next time. Well i think. I'd want to go with someone who may be was interested in engaging a little more Maybe even as a couple because it did seem like people were a little more interested in going dealing with couples. So i think that would make it easier to have sort of a partner in crime. Yeah it became clear that you should probably hang out with these people not necessarily at the sex party nam and that when we went to the happy hour before we were able to meet people and that was more comfortable with those people in this x. Party and if you go to the events and get to know this the group of people that you're going to the sex party with that would facilitate more activity. Yeah for sure and just like openness and just comfort def. Yeah that's what anything on our podcast all the time. If you want to meet someone outside online dating you just have to do an activity where you see the same people over and over again right. That's where the attraction bill. And i think a lot of people give go to something. Like us wasn't a great the first time. Never gonna go back. Yeah but like. We talked about with everyone here. Their expectations like the first time. You're not gonna do. Not it's kind of like unicef like you join like some like i don't know like rec sports league like maybe the first time is in grave should just keeps taking out like the relationships can build. Yeah definitely okay. Cool anything else. Any other takeaways definitely a new experience. And i appreciate you guys. Get mueller across that bucket. Yeah with both of you in the uber. Gummy coming back from the sex party. Were in an uber. Back to the city was surprising that you saw tonight. No you know. I guess maybe almost in that. It was less graphic and shocking than you might think. I mean i've seen a lot of pornography and this wasn't anywhere you know near the worst thing i've ever seen. And so maybe maybe the lack of shocking to it. You didn't get to show anybody your underwear. i know. Maybe you'll get some tonight. Like revved up for underwear to get used natalie for doing this experience with us by goodbye all right. You are interested in attending some play parties or a sex parties. Definitely reach out to us. We can connect you with the right resources especially with organ house. They're huge. They're extremely welcoming of new people. And you just wanna get in touch with us in general listen. We always talk about getting feedback on dates. We want feedback from you guys. That's how we can improve the show. That's how we can move the show forward so please reach out to us. Okay and on that note. Stay date of all. We want to oregon house again for allowing us to record this event. And just so you guys know. These events are private and require you to complete an application with referrals before attending if you're interested in this community that is normalizing nominal. Gimme and sexual exploration visit oregon. House dot org. Your action item for this week is to explore your curiosity. Make a list of all the things that you've been curious about whether it's sexual or not and make it a point to cross at least one of them off your list this week. This episode of dateable is brought to you by five hundred brunches five hundred branches of like minded people with similar interests to meet in real life over brunch. You answer a questionnaire about your interest and how you spend your time. And then they'll match you in small groups sixty eight at brench spot in san francisco get a free entry into a french now. By signing up at five hundred branches dot com and using the code date able. If you didn't know already we have a revamped website with articles videos and content.

00:55:03 - 00:55:52

All about modern dating you can also find our premium why series where we dissect analyze an offer solutions to some of the most common dating conundrums. We've had some great feedback. About how actionable these episodes are so check them out on our website or items music also visit the site today to see the latest about coaching where we connect you with. Dateable approved experts to help with everything from dating profile reviews coaching and even gathering real feedback about your dating style in a personalized and affordable way to connect with us visit dateable. Podcast dot com. You can also find us on facebook twitter and instagram. All under dateable podcasts. Don't forget to subscribe an auto download the podcast on itunes. Or your favorite podcast player. So you never miss an episode.

Dateable Podcast
Yue Xu & Julie Krafchick

Is monogamy dead? Are we expecting too much of Tinder? Do Millennials even want to find love? Get all the answers and more with Dateable, an insider’s look into modern dating that the HuffPost calls one of the ‘Top 10 podcasts about love and sex’. Listen in as Yue Xu and Julie Krafchick talk with real daters about everything from sex parties to sex droughts, date fails to diaper fetishes, and first moves to first loves. Whether you’re looking to DTR or DTF, you’ll have moments of “OMG-that-also-happened-to-me” to “I-never-thought-of-it-that-way-before.” Tune in every Wednesday to challenge the way you date in this crazy Dateable world.