S6E4 Weeding them out

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The Dateable podcast is an insider's look into modern dating that the Huffington post calls one of the top ten podcast about love and sex. On each episode, we'll talk to real daters about. From sex parties to sex droughts, date fails a diaper fetishes and first moves to first loves. I'm your host Yue Xu, former dating coach turned dating sociologists. You also hear from my co host and producer Julie Krafchick as we explored this crazy dateable world.

This episode is brought to you by together. A podcast and magazine that provides tools for better relationships while it's important to navigate dating and early relationships with happens ten twenty thirty years down. The road listened to stories from real people who put in the work to form amazing partnerships visit together dot guide or. Listen to the podcast on itunes. All major podcast apps. Hey everyone welcome to another episode of dateable show all about modern dating whenever we talk about modern dating we hear dating nightmare stories dating weirdos crazy nights apparently our guest today has experienced at all because she wrote us in this email where she listed pretty much every possible thing happened on a date and her name is heidi high. Maybe you needed her. I won't use your real name and we also have a guest host with us today. His name is rachel. he's been a guest host before he was on the episode about bread crummy and the episode about dating inexperienced. So welcome back. Rich and congratulations. Rich just moved into his brand new house. He bought with his brand. New wife was brand new brand new year. Congratulations thank you so much. There hasn't been on that many awkward dates. This is going to be a good contract. You're going to be shocked. We're going to be entertained. Heidi a little background on her. She's thirty one years. Old originally from wisconsin then moved to denver. And now you're in san francisco and you've been here for a year having here about a year. And you're in the cannabis industry. She is the President of cannabis tour and the founder of puff pass and paint okay before we get into the power. What is canada's tour. Okay so canvas. tours is basically. We started in denver like almost five years ago when it became legal there and we do cannabis friendly lodging tours different classes and events and so i started puff passing paint. Which is a cannabis friendly art class which also started denver and then myself and my business partner started the larger the larger business which is candice tourists. That com you know. I just had this conversation with my boyfriend because we're getting more into non alcoholic fun. We'd national drug. But the thing is like i'm so much rather smoke than drink. Raise as right and it makes you feel better. You don't feel as crappy the next stay. You're not hung over I mean. I think i try to be really active everyday if i've been drinking the night before. I just feeling kind of snack the whole day so so why. Haven't you heard like a cannabis dating app. Allocate any day but there is. I don't remember what it's called. Yeah that would be. That would be really fun. I mean you'll have to wait and see after my experiences. If i should really be doing that. Show that's like the best idea for me. Able to hide the mutual friend who says she's had some crazy dating stories. In fact your friends actually look forward to hearing about your dating story updated. And so that's why we had to reach out to you but in your initial email You said guys. I've probably been all fifty dates. And since i moved to the bay a year ago and they ranged from anywhere from a man describing his best friend to me which turn out to be pet. Chinchilla named rupert okay. So that's just sort of it just like it was a rundown of all okay. I actually have a list here. Let me ask you okay. So there was that guy who okay. Let me first start off by saying that. I'm not just. I was listening actually to one of the last episodes and it was the woman who said yes to any date has done. And here's the thing. I don't do that. I feel like. I'm pretty selective. I talked to people usually for like a week or so. I i've been trying to ask. We've Julia actually talked about this. I've been trying to ask better questions recently to see if that helped as far as like compatibility but these are pretty they seem to be very normal people and they don't talk about their pet chinchillas. I really like on up before a actually meet them. No dates are super strange. Okay so there was that guy I think sometimes people just and you know. I try to be myself but sometimes people may be over share. I'm a first date so this guy was talking about how his chinchillas elderly chinchilla is his best friend and her of the thirty six questions that lead to love.

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So we're gonna get into that she. That was no okay so this guy was like see very shocking to him. He drove from san jose when we sat down. Who's this was my first mistake. As saying that i would get food with him instead of just a drink but he was driving from san jose's we felt bad driven like an hour so we sit down to food and online and texting. We had a bunch in common and when we sat down he just he wouldn't talk and so he was just like staring at me and country. It was like. I'm really sorry that this feels very awkward. Like are you not enjoying my conversation. And he was like no one. I meet someone. I liked to just sit with them in silence and look them in the eyes and see if it feels comfortable and i was like i like that was later again. I was like okay. But i just met you like i want to know about your family and what you do and do you like your job and you like to be outdoors. Not like i don't want you like looking directly into my eyes silently and so it was like okay. Let's do some of these questions because then we can have conversation. Yes it was just not flowing so it was asking him some questions which are very normal. What was your childhood memory or something. But one of them was Let me see. Oh if you had to pick between saving your best friend or ten people what would you do. Obviously that's hard question because it's like ten people you don't love your best friend. And he said he would save his chinchilla rupert over like ten strangers. And i was like. Oh my god. This is so weird manahan while but he was like a nice guy that he tried to give a chance and then and there is like a very awkward kiss followed by not adequate kiss. I dodged it and laugh. Texted me so sorry about the weird kiss. Never texted back. Because i was driving home that i had like a whole string of messages after that i mean i felt i felt really bad or extremely. They really saw is not like a ferret are weird out. There is no phone case year Okay so. I went on a tinder date. I'm no longer on tinder because those were crazy with this guy who owns a voting companies. I met him like down by the war to get a drink there and then he invited me onto his belt now. Like all right cool so we took our lake drinks down there and then he was like okay. So we're gonna take off and we're gonna sail across the bay and stay at my parents house on the other side of the water tonight. And i was like i just met you absolutely not and so. He became angry. And push me off about and i talk to the doc matt into the water onto the dock. If we i saw. And then as i walked away he yelled. Are you sure you don't wanna come. So they don't know way inflicted. That was that was on the stories you wrote in and your initial email. I remember just laughing out loud. Still my water yeah There was a guy went on like a third day with and he. We went to go see the movie. It and he didn't tell me that he has a blood phobia and then during the move he. He added growing up into his hand. And i said oh my god are you okay. And he just runs out and so we were at alamo dropped out so do the onsite order food and wine and so was like a full lesson near i drink a little bit of wine and then followed him out and he was like at the bottom of the stairs he had fallen down and then passed out. All staff was rushing to help him and they were like what's his name. Does he have any medical conditions. I was like oh my god while it was our third like in my head i was beardie on so i'm thinking because he had a beard and so like my roommate and i had just made up nickname beardie and so they're like what's his name like. Oh my god. Isn't it weird. What is what israel. I don't know if he has any medical condition. So i took him home and made sure i stayed up with him like woke him up every hour because i was afraid he had a concussion and was going to die ause. I remained friends. He had a really nice guy seriously. A weird person. That's more like a day. Yeah exactly. What's swelling guy total. There was this guy. I was actually on three dates with him to and he was pretty normal until the date. And then we went to We went to a restaurant and we sat down and was really quiet and there is not a lot of other people there but there are some one table that was like a little bit overweight and he decides to start making comments on people's physical body types very loudly in the restaurant which was extremely rude. Any told them that and then he was like well personally. I don't really like to eat. I just live off soil. Oh like first of all this is now going to work. Because i love to eat was very. It was just very strange. So like are you at the restaurant for me. Hey and one more that we need to hear about that you listed.

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I think we got a pretty good sale of the range but you said there is one that had his last girlfriend was a fifty year old rushing. I off this in the bay. This was in denver before i moved But this guy so. I never understand why people lie about physical things on dating apps. Because i'm gonna see you. I'm going to realize that that's not like it can use pictures of someone else or you lie about your height or something so this guy said he was six one and he was actually like probably five seven which not a huge deal for me. I mean. I'm a pretty tall but not a huge. She'll just the fact that you lied and thought i would notice and so he was much shorter but whatever was fine and sometimes i kind of stay in these interesting dates like order another. You're saying crazy to to see what else are you gonna. I'm material and so this guy told me first of all. He had a tattoo that said made in oklahoma and was a stamp. That's said made in oklahoma. He told me that his sister was stabbed in the neck of isis and he also told me that his last girlfriend was a fifty year old russian prostitute ex prostitute on our first date. I'd makings of a great has yet. I was done with my drink. And i'm like i'm getting another one because i want to see what else you like this. It was not so and this was the first eight. Who's a first date. How did you meet this guy. That was that was tinder as well. But that was like going to ask you like what is how do you tim. You believe me most okay. So i used to use tinder and then i also use hinge in bungle sometimes so slowly only dating. I mean all the bad ones. Yes if i go on a date with somebody person you at least have met them in know. How you vibe. Yeah you know what i mean and so i think that's why online dating is so strange and that someone on paper or through. An app can seem totally normal. Then when you meet like you've completely different personalities so most of my weird dates have definitely been ones that i've met online. I don't use tinder at all anymore. Especially after the guy pushing me off. The boat i was i was the end i was like. I'm done with that But i'm super curious because we had to delay this recording. Because you told julie that you were going to try out. Some new methods adding people sedan. You told me or at the beginning of this episode. You said you know. I don't say yes to everyone. I was betting bray. So what were you doing before you will before we did delayed the record and then what change. Yeah and then which. Okay so i think like we were talking went because when julia knife for suck on the phone she was like well. Why do you think this keeps happening to you. And i was like. I dunno and another friend who's also single and dating right now and we just compare stories and she's like if you weren't going through the same thing she's like. i think. i think i was absolutely insane. But it's not it's happening to both of us a lot of other other people guys and girls that have crazy dates to and it's funny. It's people to laugh about it But i was talking to my friend alison about that. And she's like. I have no again like is it. The questions i'm asking and so was i'm trying to be more now. I start talking to somebody knowing what has really bothered me in the past bars like. Are you going to push me off a boat your best friend off. God unexpectedly your ears. You know there was one really sweet guy who was like. He didn't drink which didn't bother me. You know. I love wind but it's totally fine as long as he's not About it but then he was like. I don't eat any carbs and i was like this is not this is not going to work like that that extra so all showed of your dot asking them if they push you know I knew now. I'm trying to believe more i think for me. Like one of the biggest things. It's not really like obviously you want to be attracted to somebody but for me. It's more like. I'm an entrepreneur. I'm very motivated. Person work a lot and constantly busy first of all like anyone who kind of like messes around as far as like timing on dates like it. Just obviously that's not gonna work because you're not respecting my time. Yes and they used to be like okay. That's totally fine. We can push back to another day or whatever and now. I'm like unless you have a really good excuse like obviously you don't really want to hang out like they're just probably not going to get a second chance right now Some very conscious of that now but to learn. I think i was just kind of letting more things like that. Slide also as a weird yeah general okay. But as far as like motivation. I think i'm asking more questions about motivation What kind of motivation. Just like water. I guess this might be weird questions to ask before you meet somebody but like first of all what do you do like. I know that some people don't want to talk about their jobs or they'd say for me. It's not about the money like are you motivated to do something that you give a crap about like. What are your goals. Traveling is a big thing like there have been some people like.

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I travel a lot just because they would rather spend my money on that than anything else. Lean buying things. And so if i'm on a date with somebody who's like oh. I haven't traveled in a really long time. Like that's probably just not going to be a good fit for this. We're asking floor. I'm just trying to ask more questions like that like okay. What's like obviously more about their jobs. And what they do what their motivation is. What their goals are. I think the biggest the biggest discrepancies. I've had with i mean. This doesn't explain the weirdness but the biggest discrepancies i've had with dating people that our goals just like run aligned and i don't know how the weirdos are getting through to the so what type of guys are you typically attracted to or what type of files. Are you charging. do i people who are entrepreneurs. I there you go nowhere and not. Most of the weirdoes have not been been like teachers. Or i mean everybody. Here's cac so yeah. They're most teachers are tech people I mean i guess. I'm just trying to ask more questions to get a feel of who they really are also mean like. I'm a little bit weird too. So i don't try to hide that when i'm talking to somebody i said more like if you don't think one of my jokes is funny when you first start talking you're gonna think it's funny like two months from alley right so i'm trying to be more myself like this is exactly who i am. Okay if you don't like it. I mean let's them shouldn't even go out on a first date you know like but do so. Do you. feel like the weirdness comes out on like a second or third date a few dates. It's mostly it's mostly Anywhere from one to three. Yeah from one to three. are there any triggers. Is it like a certain question you ask or is it a certain environment you're in I find that a lot of people do actually have an issue with the canvas thing even though i'm not a stoner. I mean i. I smoke and i had an edible on my way here. You know. I don't really capable of still talking having a conversation but i'm not someone who just sits around and like smokes all day and so because i'm constantly busy and active and run a successful business. You would think it wouldn't be an issue. But i have found that there are definitely some types of people that i've gone dates with that. Don't like the canvas thing but they don't they know from your profile. Do but i think maybe they just kind of gets a joke. I don't know. I'm not sure that explains though why someone might want to d you right but all these people but you don't want to because those that why do why it happens. I don't know. I think i think maybe Rich any details on rationing my brain right like. You're looking at me an abnormal. You're also you have a very specific type of jones. Get from an app. Because you're definitely like. I feel like they were on a date with you. I would need to keep up with you. Oh okay guys feel like they to give you interesting stories to keep. I'm yeah. I don't know how saving my pet chinchilla off. Just i haven't heard energy push me off your energy. But maybe that's just like his way of yang flirty. I also think your blanket. Statement of mir does span a lot. More example. That guy i would say. That's definitely quirky and like typical key. Yeah well it. It got weirder more fair. I think hers standards of weird are pretty yet added finished of weird though like. I don't think the boat is necessarily okay. Let's go of a blood one. I don't think that's weird. It's not sin exactly. Yeah just w what is person scary against that. Maybe the blanket under like everyone's weird. Maybe i don't know maybe there's something you're saying that it's just bad dating in general mattis. Yeah it's yeah maybe it's nothing to use specific you just had one or two. I mean everyone's had one or two just odd people in the mix like wine. Well i actually so the weirdest thing is is that after we talk. I haven't had a strange date since then occasionally nick. What were you doing then. I think i'm just asking more questions about Like maybe life perspective okay. Anything that has helped. Because i've been on a few dates that have been perfectly fine but My one of my friends. I was like i went on the state and the guy was perfectly nice gentleman but i just didn't feel a connection. She said well that's all my dates are really off. My dates are insane. Lay but maybe that's like just asking those questions to help. Yeah i was talking about this too.

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We've never mean she. And i have never dated each other. How we. I've never had really crazy days i have. I definitely had a period that i was dating. This was like five years ago when tinder. I came out and there were. I went to like really weird people. But they were like weird. Instances yeah scenario. I think that it's just like part of the course. Sometimes like i would say. I met some really great people some really. I mean there's been some people that have been. I could tell they're good people just like we've not uncommon whether they're like more boring if any rain and then i've met some people that are more eccentric so it's like if you just focus just on the accenture people and maybe will start like thinking. Everyone's that way oppose the lighting looking at all the situations. Maybe it's time for you to relax your date also One of you brought this up. But maybe they're looking at my profile near lake. She's an entrepreneur. She's in cannabis should clearly doesn't really care what other people think and that sort of thing can be. Maybe that's the kind of people have been attracting yes. I do also think it's like whatever you're putting out in the universe. We actually spoke to speak about it if you're looking for something than that thing keeps to end. Maybe it's because they've been talking about it so we always. I always laughing about it with my friends. They these these situations key presenting themselves to me. And i'm a pretty good sport like ever really good sense of humor so don't hate it. I i think like right actually. They had some weird instances. I definitely like i like work back to my friends. Right haul them what d- went down. I mean there's not like a not bad. Because i read it's worse. If you're just like moping casado god yeah never scope of maybe. If you're just fixating on the story ray ordnace. That's why rexel earlier you suggested that. Maybe she could ask the questions sooner right like ask about life perspective and everything sooner but since you tend to text them more or less for a week or so before you meet them. I personally find it weird to have those serious conversations man. We don't wanna start with that either because then you just seen boring like how's your day and it's like okay. But what's your goals right. No yeah we. Don't light hearted ray extent. I guess what i'm trying to say is that it would be harder to vet them on those yeah actors earlier on and it's almost kind of like what you were saying which was saying which is that. You essentially may need to kind of go on that first date anyway and then do the full time then and then just kinda reclassified what are you looking for. I'm not sure. I mean. I don't have a series relationship last year I think what. I'm looking right now. Is someone to just have more than maybe three normal dates with and enjoy spending time with and see where it goes like. It's not like i'm looking for. I'm not specifically saying. I want something serious or don't want anything at all like also it's kind of fun for me here to a new city and have spent a lot of time in san. I live in oakland. Actually but i've spent a lotta time in san francisco and oakland Before i moved here. But i haven't been to a lot of places that haven't been a lot of restaurants bars like just fun things me and so it's kind of course my friends busy to have date me like. Hey have really been wanting to check out the spotlight. Do you wanna meet here. So you're an exploratory state in the It is a good thing. Great going on these very colorful right. Yeah right yeah seats you going on average. Oh god i mean i. There's been some where i've had a couple. And then i get burned out on it and i have carolina any for a while and i'm like oh my god i need a break after like whatever chinchilla diode. I'm going to dial it back so with the unwinding is comparable 'cause you strike me as a very social person so i imagine last out your ear i do but i work from home. Uh-huh and i work a ton so i'm not unless i'm scheduling something with someone. I'm not really meeting people. And i specifically make a point to not day with in my industry because it is really small. And so that's just something that's been like a huge note for me like i want to be seen as like a friend. Is well also businessperson. Anything when you bring in any sort of like sexual relationship drama not necessarily like a good thing you guys feel about a masking julian rich about seeing someone's profile or you know hearing about them that they've been in the city for a year or they are they're new to the scene what is what are those feelings that come to. It's time to take a quick break so we can tell you about the latest service. We have been building over at dateable. We'll be offering platform to connect you with vetted. Dating experts from our network to help with everything from dating profile reviews coaching to see where you're getting stuck in dating.

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And even waste to get real feedback about your dating style. The sessions typically run from thirty minutes to an hour and can all be done via skype or google hangouts anywhere. Were so excited about this. Because so many of you wrote an asking how you can find people to help up your dating game. And this should be a great way to get the personalized affordable advice will be adding more coaches and more services and of course let us know. There's something specific you like to see to meet the coaches and book your session today. Visit dateable podcasts. Dot com slash coaching. Now back to the show guys feel about a masking julian rich about seeing someone's profile or you know hearing about them that they've been in the city for a year or are they're new to the scene. What is what are those feelings that come to mind for me. It's a little bit of a red flag. Although it shouldn't always be okay. So i wanna take this fact okay. So there's a positive that they're new in like they just could be here and that's part but then the other side of it is are they looking are they just in exploratory mode or are they looking for something serious or do they just wanna meet friends and meet people and do stuff. That always happens. However i will say like. I've had relationships with people that have only been here for a couple months. That in what they were looking for someone not always the case but that does the immediate instinct. i have as i just stated. Was that no understand that because it's like people would probably also wonder okay so if something serious did happen with us if she want to stay here or is she gonna wanna move. It's not easy you know it's the but it's also just like in this time like when they don't have their league bee's frankly they don't do it. You might have a lot of friends through rare in. actually. I was gonna say match. I point of like the relationships. I've had that have been someone that's only been here. A little was met in real life online. It's like because. I think there is a lot of profiles at one time that was like new to the city. Like there's still are down to meet new people type of thing i think. Sorry look i was just gonna say that. I think there is definitely something to be said about taking a step such as dating and committing to someone when you haven't even really gotten airings lice yet grab because there is a certain aspect of you that is still in that exploratory mode and so i would also kind of feel like maybe she will be exploring and meet someone else. It's a little more. She's a little. Give yourself enough time. Ray so i remember just swiping left on people who said they were new to the city says i just automatically assume they're dating everyone. They're trying to get as many calls because they're also trying to figure out what they like. What regular which parts of the city do they lie. Sheriff s. i think there's so many good options here and if there really is people are really smart. Most people have really good jobs and are really passionate about something. I mean it's pretty fit city. People are generally young attractive and so there are so many options here. It's like do you not feel like well. I'm not an opinion you to hear a lot is it. It's rather than you. We hear from anybody really really refreshing. Because because you're i mean you moved here from denver right yeah. We actually have a lot of people who say like having to move to denver. I well can be a better dating see. Denver is member like so many men. Though people say i think here. So there's so many beautiful good-looking options that people have really good job. It's like okay so this doesn't work out. But i have like ten more. I could you know what i mean. So it's like it's almost you start to view in. This makes me sad but you start to be on these apps as literally just a picture young instead of a person. So it's like no no no no yes no no hi how are you yes. Yes no fairness though tyler designed to game affi- in something that you said that i kind of kept in the back of my head was that you and i don't know how this is for everyone but you definitely tend to look more for entrepreneurs or at least people that you have those types of things and call it and while i think that's natural and healthy i think sometimes those prerequisites tend to attract you to the wrong type of person. I guess my point is that to you could find someone that just works nine to five but is receptive of the fact that you're busy. Uranium always have time to spend and that you are ambitious and driven and running your own successful businesses and it might work out just fine with them right and so i just you know. I would caution you not to rule someone out because they don't have that in common with you because they made very open to entrepreneurs can be eccentric. Danwei you ever see as your schedules may not. Yeah true avenue alpha. There's another issue that's one thing.

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Okay so That's an interesting thing that you said is i. Finally my personality is pretty alpha. I have to be. Because i'm a woman business owner in an industry that like yes. I mean there's a lot of women in it is wonderful. I think the most ceos in the cannabis industry that are women like any industry. That's great. it's silver men. Dominated have to be alpha in order to do well and i think that that personality type. It is strange for some people who are not who are not entrepreneurs. I don't know. I would also say i always have this quote on my whiteboard. We are all each other's consequences and part of that is if you go on one date where something crazy happens. Tend to take that energy onto your next day and the next day and maybe something. You're putting out there like show me. You're crazy yeah. I introduced back into femi. Yeah of what. You're putting out there. And if you're always looking. I have all these weird dates right. Anything's gonna become a weird eight even if it's not necessarily date like the Guy that did change my perception of it embrace along. Yeah i think some of it. I mean one option is that you try to find more places that aren't online also right but part of online dating is. There's gonna be weird people. Don't really i think you just kinda exactly but also maybe i know like it seemed like you were a little wishy washy of what you're looking for. Which by andrew. But maybe getting more clear on that because the way you're describing his. I want experiences new things that might be attracting. Just weirder experience because that's giving you that experience so if that's what you're looking for right now you want the story and you want that and then that's fine. Things are going great right book but if you want someone that's more put together. Whatever the qualities are maybe refocusing saying not stern looking for. Yeah i do. I get that sense to almost like do you. Do you wanna date for the sake of dating or do you want a date to find something serious. And that's why. I asked you rain looking for ray and maybe in this time. You don't really know what that is so embrace the crazy. I think these no having fun it. I mean that's a lot of other than any time that i felt felt unsafe. Which most of the time honestly isn't except for the boa by some just not gonna get on. Somebody's vote again right. We're not going to do that again. It gets long. We're not getting down on it right. Oh my god everyone so weird. I can't find anyone you're still like you had a mentality that like. There's a lot of. Yeah there's a lot of great people and if that's the case then maybe it's fine that you are having these new check out so many different things and so many different places that you know like i said i wanna go out one night and like all of my friends are busy. I'm like i've been wanting to check out this. Let's go here again. And i can almost think on the flip side because you're telling us these stories about the guys in your you've been on dates with. Can you imagine what they're saying. Maybe they're like. Oh my god. I went on this date with this girl who does like a painting by william literally to me. This girl and gloom with aired isn't bad. I think that's the other takeaways. Weird isn't bad right like you were saying obviously cannabis. That's gonna try person. I think there is like you just find someone who's weird is okay right. He's it's not that i'm like weird. What's like over. The top is like talking about like what you talked about your psychotherapist with them. Yeah that's not like committing really learning to ask like how do i collect. We talked about like one of these. Dates was kind of dangerous and scurry wanted rings just an odd occurrence One of these was other. Maybe it's screaming and like saving looking for quirky rate but it just needs to be a quirky that like i respect them into right and like so. I'm perky to. I mean there's been things that have definitely happened where i'm like. Oh my god that was such a bad date for him oriented i am. I was dating this guy. We'll call him ham because they may not always come up like nicknames for people but he came over on the second time we ran out. He came over here having barbecue with some friends so he spanish she brought expensive spanish ham that his mom smuggled illegally from spain. Oh is called hormone de barikot from pigs that certain kind of acorns they're like free range to brings over one hundred dollars worth of this ham leaves it on the table. My dog jumped eight the entire thing of him when we were outside and then just like cooped violently the whole night because he was sick because he had eaten all ham. That was like a horrible for him. Obviously we actually dated for a couple of months ago.

00:35:03 - 00:40:02

Yeah it's just right. Maybe that's the. I know like the person experiences sarcasi- i'm still going back to this entertainment value in this race share to enter totally. Because when you said we asked like when you change your methods and you're asking more questions what are your dates like now and you said they've all been not weird and there was a sense of disappointment in your voice. Yeah like pointed. I heard realized what it was like to have a normal day where you walk away in. That was fine. But i won't but You'll like your. There's a little bit disappointed now. Maybe i don't know school gate plus some story now meeting likely you're actually just Overlooking the guys who are normal. Because they're just they're not entertaining enough for they're just not standing out. A these stories are standing out more. Okay so i have a question. A little. A little tangent. I'm asking for reasons so cannabis tours. How does this work exactly like the whole thing. The whole company or well. Can you walk me through. I want i want you to give me a tour okay. Now if you're a tour so we have the wine and we'd tours here which are super and we just had one yesterday. I'm like still exhausted from it so we started our space you do. Cdn fused wine tasting. Get on a bus on the bus. We go to the betty project which was amazing. You're on the city. They get to do a tour there. Then we go up to trek winery in nevada. They do a wine tasting and lunch there and then we back our space. So it's about four hours. Other people found out about online or through marketing website. Whatever about thirty. And how many men on average probably about half and are you open to. What's your policy. I guess meeting people through your interesting I was just thinking. I was teaching. We had the puck past and pink class. Too and i was teaching one of those classes last night. And there's this guy who was really cute. And i was like it's so weird i didn't notice him but work mode not looking at guide ben here the whole time and like he's adorable your average interest. I should also just like. You're probably in your element your most attractive sell as do right. He was like smiling at me. I was like oh. Where did you come. Maybe attention. Or if there's no one in there like maybe they have other friends so even even women maybe just like trending some of them in like but also like. It's a lot harder to meet people. When you are the organizers or the can you actually join these tours as a participant on it or whatever. Yeah i mean you go wine and we'd and i love both of those about the responsibilities of oregon and you can pay more attention to the people and actually have you thought about offering it up as a date suggestion. we have for valentine's day. We've done over yourself. Oh yes oh you mean like hey. We should go on my own to her. No i haven't thought about that. I mean that's that'd be fun. That would be maui into episode. Yeah okay so. What are some of our takeaway. I'm gonna join cannabis store. I'll also just you know we have to embrace all the craziness that comes with dating if you it. We're always talking about how crazy dating can be that. Must mean you're sort of crazy too dating also different. I always talk about how dating is like putting two strangers after a lifetime not knowing each other into a room and then having to gel with that person. It's tough it's a tough environment to be in. So there's a certain point where you have to know what your your absolute yeses no's are but also just embrace some of the newer experiences and say you know what you have tattoos of oklahoma alabama your access a fifty year. Old russian hooker. That's cool take away for me is that you can find love anywhere right. I think a lot of us kind of abstain from looking for it in certain places such as work. But i think it's because you're optimizing for a bad situation but honestly if you meet someone who you click with you can make any situation work right. Yeah so i think just keeping an open mind and keeping your eyes open in terms of guys on your that. You didn't necessarily just had that realization last night like wow.

00:40:02 - 00:45:00

I actually don't even pay attention. Or i'm looking at anyone in my classes or event timers or as like not not not as a human. That's not what i mean but like not as like dating material. Yeah same time i can. I can also see myself. If i'm if i'm a guest on your tour and your flirting with a i can see how other line and say. I think there's anything wrong with maybe being a little flirty or speak out other tours and whatnot yours but similar and some. Yeah i think it's again. Just reframing what weird means they are. I'm not you have some strange oriented. Say that but like also like maybe that i keep going back to the example with the guy that had the Fainted oh yeah like that really. Isn't that weird. that's just uncertainly. Yeah situation and i think you did say that you guys did keep data. Yeah but i mean we're still fries. Yeah yeah be it's not generic laugh about it. Yeah right so sometimes. Maybe it's like okay. There iselin kind of weird. But maybe i should give it a little more. I guess it depends on the line like obviously some of the other ones. Maybe i guess yeah yes. The long story is like what is weird and is like a weird. I could deal with as a quirk or is it own weird. That's just not okay. Ray and on the other hand redefine what you think is normal and what you think is boring. 'cause i think you are writing off some of the guys who are probably not as weird as these other guys and then just saying. That date was fine. I remember my state with my boyfriend. I walked away saying it was fine. It was fine. I couldn't say it was like amazing. I couldn't say he was so interesting. It was fine our second date. His little quirks came out and i was like. I'm loving this right. That i state. Maybe give those guys a second night. I'm actually getting better. I have a date after the second day. Somebody and like our first state was just fine. He's really nice guy And i was. Yeah i i mean. I'm not writing people off because of that but i am trying to be more conscious of like just because someone isn't super interesting me at first doesn't mean that they will be like i'd have been arabists. They might have right had day. Whatever they may have been trying to hold you off because they were afraid i was going to judge them some really good right me. It sounds like filtering. A little more. Asking questions has actually been helpful. Yeah you admit that you're a little quirky you your occupations a little out of the buttons. It will detract. Some people may because of that. You are drawing certain people that are a little stranger sir and maybe it's just filled rain more with them. Maybe you've to filter more than the average person. I think i am actually finding that. Yeah i think filter more like if you're looking at like most of my friends work in tech right right so or finance or whatever. Look if you're looking at who works and finance you. Pretty much know what their day to day is gonna be like. You know like what their schedule is. That sort of thing but me. I have no idea right. And you might get the like chile guy off. Like i don't know maybe he's like oh i can relate to the fray so maybe it's like iota ron. Yeah for that reason right also. We live in a city where people try to out quirk each other. Yeah everyone's trying to be so san francisco and different. Nikkei look at my business and i might shit going on so maybe instead of putting out like i know i have an interesting business and This is my life. And i'm busy in some saying that it's like i'm really interested in what you do. So yeah schilling more interested in in them. Because i'm telling you. Everyone thinks that their life is more interesting than in your profile. I do your honor. Actually on the way year i do in for a while. I took that out just to see if difference. Here's the thing though. If people have a problem with it. I want them to be able to see right away. I wanna say november mix because like it's kind of the same with dateable little right people think that like it's it's different in the same but people sometimes their instinct is. Oh they run a dating podcast. They're just using me as the subject and there's they don't know much about it so what i do is i. Don't put that in my profile and no But obviously i'm gonna like it progresses with so going to tell them about it it's important to me they don't lead with like i'd rather just lead at like i also just like general. Don't i dunno it's gonna come up. I would never like hide it from france. Because i agree.

00:45:00 - 00:50:16

If like someone's like that's weird or why would you do that. Like that's not going to be the right fit right but i don't wanna like have that just the immediate resting right. Some eps put on pulse from one. That i couldn't take it off when i was like doing an agreement right. I think it's kind of interesting like socially like to see how that change things like removing it for my woven is putting so. Yeah so did you see any big changes. It was. I was attracting more More to five acres ask again problem upright with that at all not a problem with that was just like obviously there were some people who had issues with it in the first place that were say to me because of a little yanking is like and i feel like sometimes it's like people think they have hard nose on startling for this like for example. Maybe this is a hard no but if they got to know you and it might not be. That's very true. I think there's volume different way of rephrasing what you do because i think because industry so new some people may take that as oh. She doesn't really work. I like shoelace up. And she smokes cannabis wars every right. You know whatever you somebody who's very seriously and maybe there's a different way of rephrasing exactly what you do. Which is you run. A successful business that brings that is in the canopy. Happy portrayed in a dating profile. Baby that's conversation. You have your ironic. Yeah it's a recreational human tour or filter more. I mean it's just. I think that's a very good point. I think that it is for what i do. And how kind of different may lifestyle is on a lot of people. i think. I just need to filter more average person. Absolutely if you if you really want to lead with expecting might have ray weird store also asking if they can. the first thing i'll say is hey. Can i buy weed for me when i was like. Oh this isn't writing. Are you a copy. I don't i don't even have. My business is completely different than that. These might go here. Go to a dispensary. Don't expensory dealer. God which i'm not in any capacity outlets on that and you're not oh fascinating even my mind yes remove it and try were just accept it and fill yourself differently differently more than anybody. Who's listening you all about today. You like her. We're more than happy to set you up okay. Just no boats books original your blood pressure cookers takeaways. Anything else we want to say about this all right. Shall we go to our question of the day comes from kevin. I think of myself as a pretty quirky guy with a dry sense of humor. But i have been told by past girlfriends and friends that once they get to know me. They find me hilarious also. Some of my quirkiness is due to me being shy when i first meet someone new with dating. I'm often not given that chance. As women seem to quickly pass on my quirkiness any suggestions or ways. I can stay true to myself but also cast a wider net to get the chance to get to know me better your question. This is good because you were kind of just about this in a way of like you giving that. But i think what he's trying to ask is like how can he come out of his shell or stay in a shell. He feel a little more depending on how you look at it. I think it's your quirkiness is away. Great way to filter people. We had m. k. As one of our previous guests who sent a photo of her in a full hamilton costume after a first date with someone and he totally embraced it. So it's sort of like if people don't embrace your quirkiness than why you know. They're just not a good fit. You're saying look at this as not necessarily something. That's hurting you. But as a way to help you yes absolutely. And i do think people who are more open about their quirkiness can find someone because then attracting yeah. That's kind of what i said too is like i use to kinda like i mean i'm corky and so you should try to dial that back at first when i talking to people and have more normal conversations and now i realize when i meet them like i said they don't like me talking online i. They're not they're still not going to mean to mariah so don't waste your time going out with people who don't find your sense of humor. Yes i agree with what you guys are saying to play. Devil's advocate huddle. Because i do see where he's coming from that he's just not getting a chance because we all know online dating rewrite people right peaceful off really quickly and maybe it's just flat out saying to the deep like i know this about my personality like my friends.

00:50:16 - 00:55:02

Tell me this like putting it out there communicating that. I am a little quirky but like i grow on or something you know. What though i i met by prefacing the date with that kind of you may be set the wrong impression. Assure me may not be the. That's so if you tell me quirky don't know if i really care to find out what that's all about and so so. I mean for certain things. Like that. I would be okay with just meeting it and just kind of letting your true self come out. And then just let like letting them determine if that's someone that they're okay being with instead of drawing attention to the it definitely draws attention if you bring it up. I'm just wondering if bringing it up would like get ahead of it in a way like nali ahead of it. It's a problem. But just like maybe i'll say i'm quirky. Maybe it's just saying. Hey like arceli like how like most of my friendships have built over time. Because i'm the type of person opens up as i get to new york to grow on like. Yeah like i think. Maybe that's what it is. I do also find that people who do our quirkier normal people do better in real life and yeah time to get to know their personalities and adapted their personalities. They don't do as well online because then people feed them as weird. There's yeh low bill. It's a slow slow build and so people. Who are yankee. Your profile sh. You know it's it's harder. It's harder for you to for people to give you a chance on especially online dating as i'm sorry right. People are just superficial with online dating but in real life may be more time meeting people out in the real world to me right but because quirky is such a encompassing. Yeah herm yeah. It could literally mean something different to hundred different people. Chiller could mean that. I want to wear your skin off. Anything else you to say about this. Well you've been extremely easter. Having in that journal going well. I will definitely eventually just be like nothing to save good. Always want to hear. Or maybe it'll just keep continuing about find your. We're gonna do a check in in six months okay listeners. We're still looking for people for season six. Where one you as a guest our show. And maybe you like to be set up with heidi or maybe you have a friend that you like hiding. We love making all those love connections. Yeah so right has contact us in any form passable. Okay i note. We're going to wrap this up. Stay all your action. Item for this week is to. Let's dissect your dates a little bit more after each date. See how you feel. What is it that you're taking away from the state. What are those feelings and then try to figure out what these feelings are caused situationally or by a personality so in heidi situation some of them were weird situational circumstances and some of them were just personality circumstances and this will help you understand how the date actually went if the situation were to change. Would your feelings be different towards that person versus is that person just consistently this way. This episode is brought to you by together. A podcast and all i magazine that provides tools for better relationships while it's important to navigate dating an early relationships what happens ten twenty thirty years down the road. Listen to stories from real people who have put in the work to form amazing partnerships. Visit together got died or listened to the podcast on itunes and all major podcast apps. If you didn't know already. We have a revamped website with articles videos and content all about modern dating. You can also find our premium why series where we dissect analyze and offer solutions to some of the most common dating conundrums. We've had some great feedback. About how actionable these episodes are so. Check them out on our website or itunes music also visit the site today to see the latest about coaching where we connect you with. Dateable approved experts to help with everything from dealing profile reviews coaching and even gathering real feedback about your dating style in a personalized and affordable way to connect with us visit dateable. Podcast dot com. You can also find us on facebook twitter and instagram. All under dateable podcasts.

00:55:02 - 00:55:10

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