S6E5: An Unexpected Ride

Dateable Podcast
March 20, 2018
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March 20, 2018

S6E5: An Unexpected Ride

We discuss looking inward opposed to blaming modern dating, the progression one goes through, and opening yourself up to all the possibilities.

An Unexpected Ride

Chris tells us about his chance encounter that led to meeting his girlfriend in an Uber, while sharing his personal journey to becoming boyfriend material. We discuss looking inward opposed to blaming modern dating, the progression one goes through, and opening yourself up to all the possibilities.

Episode Transcript

S6E5 An Unexpected Ride

00:00:00 - 00:05:04

The Dateable podcast is an insider's look into modern dating that the Huffington post calls one of the top ten podcast about love and sex. On each episode, we'll talk to real daters about. From sex parties to sex droughts, date fails a diaper fetishes and first moves to first loves. I'm your host Yue Xu, former dating coach turned dating sociologists. You also hear from my co host and producer Julie Krafchick as we explored this crazy dateable world.

his episode is brought to you by together. A podcast and online magazine that provides tools for better relationships while it's important to navigate dating and early relationships. What happens ten twenty thirty years down. The road listened to stories from real people who have put in the work to form amazing partnerships visit together guide or listened to the podcast on itunes and all major podcast apps. Low everyone welcome to another episode of dateable. Show all about modern dating. Sometimes things happen when you least expect them to happen. And sometimes when that happens it impacts the rest of your dating life I don't know how that can happen. But our guest today. Chris has the story for us. That is along those lines and we hear this all the time when you go out looking for something. That thing may not happen. But it's when you least expect it really is going to be on the show. Let me just give a little background so we can paint a picture of who you are. You're thirty three years old. You've been in san francisco for four and a half years originally from australia. Down under your currently in a monogamous relationship Which is sort of part of the story right. Okay let's get into it then So it was sort of years and years and years of being on dating app under the sun sort of gave up and wasn't really thinking about dating at all and there was one day when i just needed to get home from work and so you know i requested the newborn win around the corner and hoped in and there was a go in the front seat and We just sorta started talking. And you know it. We're on the royal on the way home. Ten minute ride But as we're talking she's getting caught in traffic. And i'm like says well we're dries And she's still being a super calm person and we had this amazing conversation. And i'm just kind of like. Wow this school is like really level headed. I would be so angry with lease drivers going. I really liked the sound of this. This way. she is just he's really cool And i said hey look it's really awesome. How like you're not really caring about all this craziness going on around you. She's like oh young cream ukraine in ukraine. Like you get cut off in traffic people. Try to run into all sorts of the insane stuff. Nothing and i was like okay. So she's european She's told him blonde. Which i've noticed from the backseat. And this is like a thing which some your type i haven't taught yes an ascending. I'm really enjoying this conversation. Can we like maybe catch up another time. And she's lived yet. Show and i grabbed a number create boehner by asking for an autumn often. Woods but Yes i miss her and she message back. We've been on a few dates and really hit it off and You know now in this relationship. And i guess like for me i was not expecting anything And from hip one of us she says when she was about to accept the raj who is also about to sign off the night and she decided not to because she thought. Hey dr cancel on riders. When i take her hashes like you know what i will just do. This one loss ride and the rest was history. Well tell us about what was happening. The rest of that night were before this happened. What kind of mood were you in. What what stage in life where you in. Yeah some sort of thinking of leaving san francisco house in this city so long trying everything to meet someone having no luck at all and i was like i'm fit up know. I put a time limit on how long i'd stay And this particular day. I just had a really long network and i was like exhausted and you know we just had a pretty relaxed. Compensation priest ended stuff. You speak german driver. Has you're diving all that stuff. And she said all. I look at a startup is a pm. And i take uber. Take the on ride here. And they are not to have some company on the long drive to the south bay So you know like that. She like a pretty social person. But yeah like. I was just not in that frame of mind at all. So it's pretty bold asking your uber drive that essentially at work right on a date especially in the climate this day and age where things can be perceived as sexual harassment and other things. How did you like get over. That barrier was at even a thought to oh man it was with the whole time. I was like man. I gotta figure out a way to intimidate a vegan. Like not scare her and have takes me back and seizing to sound. Like i'm just coming onto and so the angle arrived. I was like. I'm really enjoying this conversation. Which was true right. That superferry nine. We're talking metal Stops and you know what she does relieving.

00:05:04 - 00:10:01

And what i do for living It's always easy to talk to dr as when guests come a wicked rumor and l. Dineh those starts off as we've met at work but actually actually have this structure where she's in a separate organization. Even though we do technically workforce same company she's contracted but saw. I was like okay. This makes it not a conflict of interest. So that's okay. There's still that like she's at work. Yes just like right into Conscious office go out. want fools you into this but i would love to grab number and continue this conversation and i guess i don't know for sure but you know you ask someone out end you come across too strong i think and then you don't get a takes back end of headway walk that fine line but so i definitely made it more about being friends like. Let's let's start off and just continue this conversation joining and and then see what happens from that. So how did progress so we went out. Oh gosh i think we went for For drink in chinatown like a couple of weeks later and we just talking nonstop rotten somehow ended up walking back to my place like which is pretty nearby and we went up to the roof of my building and we just kept talking and it was just as easy thing like nevada force it so as opposed to other dating situations. Sometimes you fall into a patent and you're in a very safe place where you're not really properly revealing who you off especially having an accident you know people go. Oh my god you've got an accent and then you're in super-safe territory disabled oversight you'll sort of her hosts being in countries. That really happened and so did you ask her. She hit on a lot by guys. I should ask you. Should've i'm curious to know. And did you guys ever talk about that night. Like what was it that compelled her to give you her phone number so i found out later that she had actually seen my face because it was done curtly guy. That's really cool man. Totally buffet sir. Personalities nothing else ahead least. He's got the good personality. Choose like you know you could have been forty five years old. It could have been anything. Hana glad that you tend to be returned to bait so she. She didn't even really see she gave her noises. Learned this through this trip. Like a think of your driving like you like some drivers. I don't know if you've been and where the driver is looking at you in the rivero but a lot of drivers just focused on the road trying to drive safely and and get deal with all the information going on in front of them and they don't get a chance to see the roger. She's a very responsible person. Nevada sponsors had an episode. We're a girl met her boyfriend in a list. Sorry your competitor driver or he was a lift driver and that's how they met data for two years. So did he ask her out she at all. I think it's tough of your. I mean we'll have the backseat driver. Right like is a backseat data. Also like you're at work there like your customer it away. There's a weird dynamic if she asked you out. Like your own yeah. There's definitely something a little off that i don't know if that's in their assuming that's probably know now on your list report to people in the new pool and you sit next to each other and hit it off like that. I think he's okay. But there's like a pal on emigrant seattle in the rock. There is right before you met her. You are thinking about leaving san francisco because you didn't have much luck dating. What was your dating life like before that on every ack And tried also different approaches. what you say. Had you had to go full in. I had no trouble getting dates. Think the trouble was when it came to sake the dates and turning that into something where i felt a connection in a bond with somebody Vis a thing that i think online dating does not just to other people but also to you where it's like. Oh that person had a tiny thing wrong with them. I'm gonna just discount the possibility of them I think after a little while it becomes a heaviness not even conscious anymore You just do it without realizing. And i think that was happening to me. So you mentioned that when we are talking facebook messenger about having you on the show you mentioned the years of chasing something looked pointless after this happening.

00:10:01 - 00:15:05

What did you mean by chasing. Yes so you know you really want to get into a relationship if you know what you're looking for. You're looking for a long-term real commitment. Like i'm not someone who was ever into Polandri or Experimentation or anything. I'm just a very traditional connick guy. And i was new. That was what i wanted And wasn't finding that and it wasn't as though as finding other things are just finding not that like the these connections. You'd that i was finding on. These apps was very short-lived in an frivolous committed to it looking full so It wasn't until i sort of got away from that that i realized that you know big part of it was the effect i was. It was having on me. And what i was putting out there and i kind of realized that i had to stop being in that space and meeting people that are in that space and change myself so that i wouldn't acting away where i would attract those sorts of people but you know the second a little further. I think it was. Like i wasn't getting what i wanted in that environment of doing online dating so i stopped. Do you feel like there saying thing that changed your life when you met your girlfriend. Today thing happened around this time did were there any changes i guess. Sort of come to a indulge of of a phase of kind of enjoying having those frivolous connections having a Fun times basically You know that's fun for a while. And then you get through that phase and you say okay of kind of done enough of that little of is comfortable for you. And i had reached that point so it will kind of coincide at all at once that like a like you immediately did and then met her or was there like a time gap between hitting that point and then meeting her. Your those different tom. I think i was like okay. I'm kind of done with this sort of phase of like just having fun now. I'm looking for something serious and there was a lot of frustration because you you try the apps quits at absolutely try hobbies. That doesn't work out. so edna hal. I like randomly run into the situation. Where going into nuba. I think that it was just going to happen eventually anyway. At least that's what i hope so. Yeah there's there's a frustration they once you decide to to really go serious. We always talk about this idea of context of how you meet someone and yeah. I don't even know if you guys would match on dating app right or even if she if she would even stand out in the dating app and vice versa. Because you are in a context where you weren't looking for someone to date you were purely trying to get home. I'm guessing you're in a probably in a comfortable relaxing. You're in in your car where you work for the company. So you're of like this. Is you know my comfort zone. I'm going home and that's when you met someone because you're probably in a natural state you're not like on the prow this lick yet. Context is a big part And i think also a big pop big thing that plate pot here is you know. We wouldn't have met any other way because as social circles didn't cross made in a bar and you meet other people that love to go to bosnia. But they're also in a frame of mind where like you know might get drunk and And she's just not someone like that you know an goto bar and get drunk enough on my friends whereas she would prefer to have a much smaller much more Intimate social circle that she really trusts and the circles don't crossover But i like someone like that. And i've always wanted to meet someone like that So meeting in his calmer environment of a nuclear is is throughout context to be able to figure that out. See you said that you have theories about the progression of relations. Enlighten us buddy. You're the i saw. I think that's Eighties that sort of you. Start out with like. I'm just going to try everything and then you figure out that some stuff doesn't work But probably the most interesting thing i learned is listening to season. Five of dateable l. One of the things that came to to their own ads like there was also a theme coming through that. Think about yourself and who you are and what your one impact. That's having on your dining experiences. I hadn't really taken it to my own self. I was always like oh. I really hate this apple that admiral. This wave of this dating happening in his culture Where i had never thought to say well. Who do i want to be. And how do i wanna feel. How do i want someone to make me feel. So the progression i saw was that once i started really focusing in on that instead of trying to change the way i was doing dating but you know making it.

00:15:05 - 00:20:05

More of a self improvement society It really sort of allowed me to address some of the poems. I had with the way that i was doing things. And that's an example of blake before and after like how you dress something so you know like something. Small is like instead of ghosting. Someone just takes them and say. Hey listen i had a really good time Like it'd be nice to people treat people the way that you'd like to be treated yourself and then you start to realize that there are people out there that won't treat you that way and you start to say well. I don't necessarily want to be around that type of person so you don't put as much energy into those types of people right so you're not spending your time chasing something that's not right for you versus actually spinning energy on the people who are suitable for you. You're right what are some of those learnings through this whole process. I think i learned that. I had put a lot of emphasis on just trying to have very a very light hearted sexual relationships instead of like deeper relationships that were built on top of a friendship. And so i would chase off the women that was with me instead of women that like. I actually wanted to hang around with enjoy hanging out with these women but it would be for me more about. Just who can i sleep with and How can i just let get laid. And once i got out of that frame of mind i started to say. I've been changing my own personality in order to be someone that appeals to these people and it's not a true myself and it's also tricking them into thinking that maybe he's going to change into somebody that he's not today because he's a chameleon and that's like wasted energy for everybody and so i guess it depends on a life stage urine where your intentions are. If you are just casual dating at one be out there for fun. Yeah that could be a tactic. You just be a chameleon to whoever you're dating or if you're actually looking for relationship it's a great test to say if you remove all the romance and all the sexuality would be friends with this person in real life and Right task to see who someone would be a great partner for you. Yes yes absolutely. You have any moments that stood out like that moment. We've also talked about this like rock bottom. I need to change something like either got too drunk or something happened like anything that stands out to you. Yeah there was like I mean there's a couple of similar occasions Recently made towards into last year. Where goals that. I've had been seeing while. I was in this frame of mind of like is just one of you. Know very casual relationship would have come to me off to. Maybe this has been going on for six months as i want to say and it happened a couple of times with they'd be like hey listen you know we should actually really go on a date and i'd be like oh god no. I don't wanna do that in that same. Realize to myself. That i never actually wanted to go on a date with his post in in the first place i ever wanted to do and i was like wrong as me. I should be around and have such a great like super casual friendship with way we treat the and hang out. I should want to actually treatments business on the a little more. And i didn't like all right. I guess hanging out with people that i am only happy to go to a senate relationship point with her. Should wanna go all the way with someone that on consumer happened. Multiple people yeah. It was a symbol. Tiniest realization. started to say well. If this is happening with multiple other people in very similar scenarios at around the same time this the problem is me so i mean that's very mature view. A lot of people would push it to other people. That's absolutely that you were able to also our on the receiving end of sort of a casual relationship like that and you're not okay with it get out of that relationship. We hear it all the time you know. I'm in this casual thing with this guy. And it's not progressing but i'm gonna hang out. Hang on to see where it goes. I think we're getting serious and it ends up not getting there so i think it's also you're in that scenario. You should do something about it. I do think lake. I mean obviously different. People have different realization points. But if you realize that someone is not more to you than a certain level and that's not a deep relationship it is the right thing to do to get out like you did like basically cut ties with that person instead of to lead them on so yeah i think some parts dating like you're just figuring it out but sometimes he'll at that point in that's when it becomes not okay when you just like keep leading them on and like like if you kept going on dates with them and like doing all this stuff and then in your back your head you're like i don't really like this person then that would have been like to our rouce thoughts to make you question what you doing. So i'd say like yes if you're in a situation where someone's you know maybe going to change in the heavens turning Yes and don't do that.

00:20:05 - 00:25:09

But i think the other thing i'd say is like oscar. What you want an at thinking this culture. A lot of people told that's okay. It's definitely okay if you ask what you want. The person immediately says well. I'm not going to give that to you. Save yourself some time absolutely. I had a friend. So i had a guy friend who entered into a relationship with this woman where he didn't see going too far but he really light hang out with her. He enjoyed having sex with her and he said that he's like i don't see this progressing more than where we are right now How do you want to proceed. And she said okay if we see a future together. Let's keep this going until. I say it's no longer with me. So they carry this on for about six or seven months until she said you know what. I'm getting a little attached so we're going to just have to end it here in. They ended very well so something like that. Even it's like it's not so black and white is right. Let's just see how this goes but if we're not comfortable then someone's just as because sometimes even if you're looking for like the one right you're not gonna just like stall your life completely. Yeah you haven't found them so there is a line of like potentially having relationships air quotes that like aren't necessarily relationships but for filling in some way but the problem becomes once you're not on the same yatching. You're nodding fulfilled so like the example you just gave. I mean she basically was like ok acknowledged. This isn't going to be a serious thing. But let's see if i can be okay. Not being serious and then once she wasn't okay. That's when you cut the guys get out was for her factor in this the amount of time. She feels like she has before she wants to be in a serious relationship. Like you know if you if you're in a rush to find a serious relationship you're not gonna sit around for sixty Stop off to chance to him from his point of view. She said because. I haven't spoken to her. She said she didn't know what she was looking for but she knew she enjoyed spending time so she wanted see she could just spend time with him and just have it be status quo until she needed. Something was going to say. I've been in that situation years ago. Where i didn't know what i was looking for. I thought i wanted relationship. But then i also like was just having fun dating around and then had this friend that turned into more the basically like i don't want to be a serious relationship and i cut went into it with that mentality of like. Well we'll see what happens. And then i think i mean now. I will never do that again. It's good to learn that lesson. It's like if someone does it. Want it. You're not gonna be the one that changes them. I didn't know what i wanted. So if i knew i wanted a serious relationship and then that didn't match up i think at this point in my life i'd be able to very much say like that yet so some of it comes back and you kind of brought the south like this. You felt like this work for you because you knew what you wanted at this point in your life. I think if you want to know what you want. I think that this things that are happening all time and you can. If you know what you want you can grab them but it just don't know what you want you wrought posture and you never find out. Yeah burn so quick question before we do. The next thing is something that i'm curious about what you said before what you were just talking about with the. Let's just see what happens. Yeah do you think that for someone who's never tried the. Let's just see what happens that the idea that that doesn't work with because it didn't work for you in that situation. Do you think that something that people should avoid even trying. It's time to take a quick break so we can tell you about the latest service. We have been building over at dateable. We'll be offering a platform to connect you with vetted. Dating experts from our network to help with everything from dating profile reviews coaching where you're getting stuck in dating and even waste to get real feedback about your dating style. The sessions typically run from thirty minutes to an hour and can all be done via skype or google hangout. So you can be anywhere. We're so excited about this. Because so many of you wrote in asking how you can find people to help up your dating game and this should be a great way to get personalised affordable advice. We'll be adding more coaches and more services. In of course let us know. There's something specific you like to see to meet the coaches and book your session today. Visit dateable podcasts. Dot com slash coaching. Now back to the show. Do you think that for someone who's never tried the. Let's just see what happens the the idea that that doesn't work because it didn't work for you in that situation. Do you think that's something that people should avoid even trying or do you think that's something that you give out. I think i think there's a line right. Like i think like for mine initial excuse my own examples mine and speak with everyone's but like i kind of had hesitations from the beginning because i knew knew the person didn't think he was ready for serious relationship when into it anyways in then basically once he said it i still kept going with it which i think was fine because i didn't think i knew what i wanted either but once it started to like hurt.

00:25:10 - 00:30:01

That's what i think. It was time to leave. And i made the mistake of stain so i think it's like i can't speak say like that's the universal for everyone but i think there's there's pivotal points the route that you can make that decision like some people. They're like i just want to be in a serious relationship in this person doesn't want to be that's done. Some people might have that mind frame that then other times like things can develop white. People can get to know each other better. People do like shift what they wanted like. You said even just a couple of months ago like you're in a little bit different frame than you are now so things do change Think it's like when you're getting hurt by it or you're misaligned with it that's when it becomes a problem. I think it's important to communicate your parameters and what you want so in a situation of like. Let's see what happens. It's not just a free for all like oh let things right out. Put my situation. What is that the dangerous part. Because if you just let see what happens and you're waiting by your phone for a week waiting for that person to call. But i think of you set parameters like okay. I'm willing to see where this goes but in the beginning. This is minimum. Would i need. Yeah two days of your time. Ninety two go online one day a week. This these are things. I'm happy with and at the end. Ob tweak let's regroup and talk about what worked and what didn't work right even if you're not in a committed technically a relationship with someone if someone's in your life you're in a relationship with them. You have to work through that relationship. I mean i think that's great in theory conversations with sometimes you're just not at that comfort level with someone especially if they're big us. But i think you can do what you said but check in with yourself like let's say you have a guy that's pretty casual right but you're like well. Maybe this could go somewhere. You know that you want someone that's like crazy about you and like reaching out and planning that date. If they don't do that like you can maybe try reaching out to them and kind of like feeding it and seeing what happens if they don't respond then you're like well that might not be the type of relationship we're going to have. This might be more casual in my okay with that or am i. Not and if you're okay with it then maybe it's reset okay. This person's not going to be my next boyfriend. someone. I can see once in a while. And if you're not okay with etfs. Maybe it's time to cut that person out. What evening your situation chris you went into this Want to see what would happen. And you want stay started the baseline of a friendship. How did this friendship turn into a romantic relationship with. I mean she was beautiful so it was like okay you you passed the bar of i find you incredibly beautiful and we had this amazing conversation. We just got along like a house on fire And so Let's see i've takes. A fire was pretty hot. Person that makes sense. I get go get get it on. Get it on weei likeness would use that between friends But it just means that we had a really really good time hanging out so it was unlike these other relationships of head in the past that were very much. Okay what do i need to sort of by behavior in order to achieve on what chief it was just like actually pretense and just me. That's the that's the one way. It always works every time we i think from our own personal experience but any guests pat when they've met someone it's always when they just don't think about all their next calculated steps It and i think the other thing that really told me is that like auto. We'd been on a few dates. I sort of didn't feel any motivation to go on other dates to have all the associations other relationships and very politely Basically everything else that was going on at that time and You know since then there's been a few times when there's been an opportunity to maybe have like a one night stand or all like maybe gone a day and i just haven't felt the need or the desire so i think it speaks to something i wanted to bring up about the parameters like sometimes you know you parameters same thing with Sometimes you don't feel the motivation to explore anymore in both cases. It's because you're at a certain stage in the progression yet. That's okay because you'll get there in the end at your own pace and told china russia so you'll probably miss some of the fun that's too that'd be apple needs to have that fun. I even think people need to have the bad experience teaches them will never stand for get some women newer sirens like sometimes just from others.

00:30:01 - 00:35:11

You'll never do that. But then when you're all do it yup but i think every one of my girlfriends has had one of those guys in their lives that you're just like what were you thinking now looking back like what was i thinking but it helped them get to where they are now. Oh yeah meet their person. Oh my guy. Friends have this same narrative of i was chasing after this girl. I felt like she's out of my league. And when i finally got her i realized she was not right for me and now i know what i'm looking for. At least i know like more seriously. I look for in a relationship. I hear this all the time from my guard is chasing a new this up to like anytime you're chasing means that you're running after somebody. Yeah and they're not. Yeah when they're not stopping taught in sync with you but like when you find that person like you're not chasing each other with each other. Yeah exactly exactly Shall we go to some takeaways. Sure absolutely okay. So i have a few takeaways. We get this question quite a bit from our friends and our listeners which is at what point do you stop pursuing. And it's kind of a interesting question because at what point do you give up working on a relationship or trying to get a relationship to start so from your story chris. There three takeaways of ways to measure if you should keep pursuing. you're not one. Is the friendship measure. I love that too if you take away the romance and the sex. Will you be friends with this. Person was arrested the day when you get older like that. That's all you know. Nothing works anymore. Reserves to people wrinkly and ugly altered like other stellar. You to just be like do. Y'all do you genuinely enjoy the company of your significant other. Yep exactly so that's one that's montasser to is. I think media blows this out of proportion when they talk about like getting the butterfly is when you see someone and just feeling like nervous energy because you. You're so excited to meet them. I think that's great in the beginning of a relationship but if you're feeling that even three four or five days into a date into a relationship. There's actually a mismatch here because when you're so nervous about seeing someone kneeling the butterflies. It means that you're trying to chase after someone who's not reciprocating so you're still not on the same page when you're in a A solid relationship with someone. There is new nerve business. Does yourself friends. Yeah you were saying. Chris like you're not trying to put on some role. You're not like acting out this role for them million for them to like you back. That's not the goal here. So that's test number two and three is if you walk away from a an interaction with someone and you're being too analytical about it like if you're asking your friends like owen this she said this and then like she texted this time. You're not on the same page. I think it's time to walk away because you're if you can't communicate with the person you're dating there's something wrong there too and stop wasting your time on analyzing what he or she is trying to say so and they could be at a point in the progression within quite ready for the thing that you'll looking for them where they take with a text you back exactly what what is a huge takeaway from my part is like i understand this fully because i think there is definitely. It's hard to define what that switch is that goes off. And i think there's sometimes it does take a couple moments like you mentioned with like realizing that you didn't wanna see these women at a deeper level but a lot of times she's like his subconscious switch occurs on that you're like okay. I don't wanna keep going to the bars every night hooking up in all this stuff i want something real and i'm not really sure when that happens but it does and i think sometimes you have to well you have to be in that mindset if you are going to be in a serious relationship and i think for me. At least there's a big period in my life. I was not in that mindset. And it's easier now to look back on that and sometimes you're like oh like why haven't i found the one and got married but you're like well for a chunk of my life. I just wasn't looking for that. Now that i am looking for that either founded or in the process of finding it so sometimes it's like just realizing that you go through different life stages and progressions and that's okay. Yeah and also just to add to. That is well. Is that peter despair. I described because there was at least a few months. They were just like well. I'm not. I wasn't getting what i wanted the way i was doing things before and i've changed a few things and i'm still not getting what i want. So it takes a little while. I have to possess that if you really believe that it's way you wanna take your attitude to getting to that place and i'm with you every relationship i've been in has just happened out of nowhere like it's been all the time that i have not been like thinking i'm going to go to this leg hot club and meet someone.

00:35:11 - 00:40:02

It's always like this like random event that i'm like barely dressed up for you know or just like random friend that i introduced to or something like i think your story shows that like it can happen anywhere. Could be the uber driver. Like anyone definitely definitely cool question of the day. This one comes from randy who says you guys. Always say that timing. Is everything for me. I'm at a stage in my life. Where i'm ready for something serious but i keep meeting people who are completely opposite from me as in. They're not looking for anything serious. What am i doing wrong. Or how can i find more like minded people. I think that if you are if you're looking at the people in the environment you're in and affecting what your what you're putting out like heavy think about so people you're allowing yourself to me if you're on dating apps you probably meeting people that have someone else around the corner and so if you really wanna feel special for example you know. He's probably not the right place to go. Because those people could just start off two to three nights with you and go and date somebody else or you know. Maybe you mean people in bosnia and at that's not going to lead to a long term connection because of the context things that we already talked about today so i think like have a think about as as my answer to that would be heavy think about the environments. You'll looking for people and try and think really hard about whether the right ones for you. I remember during like a period where i was cereal day. I said i and also with the guy that i mentioned. That wasn't in a serious relationship. I remember being like. I really wanna serious relationship and my friend being like. Do you really like questioning me. Because she's like all your actions are not yacheng with that like you would not still be trying to date the sky. That said he doesn't want to be in the series relationship if you wanted to the serious relations so there's that or you wouldn't be telling the story and living for the story of dating if you really wanted to be a serious relationship so i think a lot of times it's easier now like looking back on it. I'm like i wasn't ready for a serious relationship but looking back on it easier because it's like in hindsight but while it's happening maybe it's looking at your actions. It's like okay. I say. I want this but do i really And if you still do and you feel like your core that you do like it's time to correct your actions like christmas saying you you get back what you put out there right. Yeah so if you say you're looking for something serious defined in your head with that serious writes. What does that entail. What are you doing to put in the effort to make sure of something serious so look into your own actions. The other thing i was saying is why not troubleshoot. Ask for feedback. Yes i'm you dates. Go on a date with someone you find out. They're not looking for anything real them. What was it about me that you were attracted to in the first place. And i keep attracting people who are in your similar by anything. That's happening it wouldn't have to lose right. You're not trying to pursue anything else with them. Your feedbacks lost you. Go on a date with him. I don't care krant krant in your laws by not doing the things the dont serving you so you never know what might fill in that gap as soon as you stop doing certain things something else will come along and that might be has to be an uber. Yeah you never know. Yeah but that's a really good point because if you're trying to fill a void if you want to get into some something serious because you're lonely or your board those reasons to get into a serious relationship and of course you're going to attract people who entertain you on your toes. You know those are not the people that you want to be in a relationship with eventually. Maybe well i remember like when i thought i wanted to be in a serious relationship and then realize was not ready for this. This was like years ago. And i remember being like oh i just want someone that will it. Go out with me and my friends and its link. That's really what i mean. That's definitely looking for dow like obviously want someone that gets along by france. And i felt like the top of the list. The at that was the top of the list made. It seem like i just wanted like added company on like this going out to bars and nightlife routine that i had right exactly. Yeah so then. How did that change that. You got you got from where you were in that place to like will you on now that you're your priorities of yeah I mean this was years ago. I had a serious relationship in between the two.

00:40:03 - 00:45:04

So i've been at that point. I definitely felt like. I was also in a different place than i was back then. I don't know it's like you asked again. It's hard to pinpoint that act. Mo- may this song Okay that's not important to me anymore. Right exactly and it's like yeah i mean i think like when it's hard like with my last boyfriend i was definitely serious but it is precisely more serious. Didn't work out now. But back then i think it was just a combination of being just more open to letting someone in my life and wanting to share my life with someone but now i think it's like i want a partner in life. So the ashes like progressions and some of it is each relationship builds. Like you realize what wasn't working you're serving you and whatnot. And some vicious growing up and friends settling down and changing like. There's a lot of factors. I think that go into it. It's hard to just so true. I think it's hard for some people to see past the present so One of the things. My mom did she. 'cause we talk on phone every day and when i was dating in new york i felt like i wanna be in a relationship with the sky that was pursuing yet aggressively and he was also i mean he was never. He never lied to me and he was always very upfront with me that he didn't know what he wanted. And i just kept pursuing and i kept telling my mom. I'm ready for real relationship. I think i'm ready to bury the sky. Mrs guy for me and she goes picture thirty years down the line. You're still want to be with someone who keeps you like this. Like who who has the sort of impact on you. Who makes you cry all the time. Who makes you who who also has the power to make you so happy one day and so upset the next day. Do you see longevity with this person. And i was like thanks mom. I don't i think there is a shift. Like i mentioned with the guy that said like i don't want to be in a serious relationship. That was a friend that turned into more. I like saw it as a challenge. Yeah out of kim. It was like an ego thing in there is definitely a piece of that going on. Yeah but then with my ex-boyfriend. The last one i just genuinely enjoy being around him and like having him in my life. I think there was a very different motive in all like going into that. And i think any time you're coming from a pure place of ego that means you're not ready. Yeah that's very sure of richard and pride pride and ego. Yeah absolutely cool any other takeaways. This is a great discussion. I mean i think you've covered it off really summary of what we saw. Just glad that season five was what are your pivotal off. That really changed your perspective on the whole season. Just all twenty hundred on cds dateable. I think there was something that happened. they were. ua started talking about takeaways floor. A person that a non about the their environment at about thinking about how they reacting to things that are happening and what they doing in response to to that like optimizing yourself instead of viewing dating or instead of you away you live and i just realized i'd never actually tried that before. You're welcome back. I do wanna know them. I'm super curious. How is dating in the us different than dating in australia. So in a stroller or bicycle older friends are having babies and here. you know. i'm thirty three and it feels also my billick here. It's just normal to single at this age. Right let when i put myself in the context of where roman like peter pan am like still having fun and i'm still young and on the weekends would still going hanging out in the park while everyone else is changing nappies. That's gotta san francisco versus like the south. The mid way even the northeast. I feel like a lot of our friends are definitely like having children faster in big cities in australia. You think so even in big cities because there's like a I mean. I still have my whole family in the one city. So you all your family there and is a lot more of a comfortable environment to settle down in the same place that you balloon but i think in san francisco and i mean i can't really talk about the south to meet way or any of that. Having lived here a visited new york of visited a few places that you got in the unless you've lived there and had friends from But you know back in australia of be comfortable settling in the same place that i'm throwing without having to move but everyone here has moved here for a reason. So they're in that frame of mind that stage they live where they like. I'm just going to get after it and have a career. And i'm gonna do all this amazing stuff and so a lot of people here are saying well.

00:45:04 - 00:48:17

Hey like datings on hall. But i'm still a human being still have a need for intimacy and i told the other things that come with it. Six and You know like the ability to have some undergo the memo is people still seek it out. But i'm taking it seriously as people would in my home city fascinating okay. That's going to be another we. We love talking about international dating. I'd be happy to and now we've covered. Us a little and we gotta go deeper still but we grow billable. We're global going south download show on the road and go talk to people in the midwest. We've had that idea of love it off. Let's get on like house on fires right. I don't think this so much awesome. Well thank you for telling us your story. More uber's Episode was not a sponsored by uber. But yeah shared right shares to four times a chance exactly half the price four times. The he thinks that was over should hire fields. Fiat know okay listeners. We're still looking for guests for season. Six and season. Seven as you heard from. Chris upi on this podcast. It could change your life as much as listening to this podcast. Oh you know. We heard everyone to try to on our show and be a guest okay. Let's wrap this up. Stay dateable your action. Item for this. Week is to look for patterns singer dating life. How do you normally meet people. How do these relationships or situations end. What was missing for you. And what do you think you could have done. Better reflect back on yourself and think about what you can personally do to make dating better for you going forward. This episode is brought to you by together a podcast. An online magazine that provides tools for better relationships while it's important to navigate dating and early relationships. What happens ten twenty thirty years down the road. Listen to stories from real people who have put in the work to form amazing partnerships visit together died or listen to the podcast on itunes and all major podcast apps. If you didn't know already we have a revamped website with articles videos and content. All about modern dating you can also find our premium why series where we dissect analyze an offer solutions to some of the most common dating conundrums. We've had some great feedback. About how actionable these episodes are so check them out on our website or iteens music also visit the site today to see the latest about coaching where we connect you with. Dateable approved experts to help with everything from digging profile reviews coaching and even gathering real feedback about your dating style in a personalized and affordable way to connect with us visit dateable. Podcast dot com. You can also find us on facebook twitter and instagram. All under dateable podcasts. Don't forget to subscribe an auto download the podcast on itunes. Or your favorite podcast player. So you never miss an episode.

Dateable Podcast
Yue Xu & Julie Krafchick

Is monogamy dead? Are we expecting too much of Tinder? Do Millennials even want to find love? Get all the answers and more with Dateable, an insider’s look into modern dating that the HuffPost calls one of the ‘Top 10 podcasts about love and sex’. Listen in as Yue Xu and Julie Krafchick talk with real daters about everything from sex parties to sex droughts, date fails to diaper fetishes, and first moves to first loves. Whether you’re looking to DTR or DTF, you’ll have moments of “OMG-that-also-happened-to-me” to “I-never-thought-of-it-that-way-before.” Tune in every Wednesday to challenge the way you date in this crazy Dateable world.