S6E7: A Foreign Way of Dating

Dateable Podcast
April 3, 2018
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April 3, 2018

S6E7: A Foreign Way of Dating

We talk about the differences in US dating culture vs other countries, the universal problems many face, and how to make dating work for you despite the times or your location.

A Foreign Way of Dating

Quino shares his struggles with modern dating culture of dating multiple people at once. We talk about the differences in US dating culture vs other countries, the universal problems many face, and how to make dating work for you despite the times or your location.

Episode Transcript

S6E7 A Foreign Way of Dating

00:00:00 - 00:05:12

The Dateable podcast is an insider's look into modern dating that the Huffington post calls one of the top ten podcast about love and sex. On each episode, we'll talk to real daters about. From sex parties to sex droughts, date fails a diaper fetishes and first moves to first loves. I'm your host Yue Xu, former dating coach turned dating sociologists. You also hear from my co host and producer Julie Krafchick as we explored this crazy dateable world.

This episode is brought to you by making ways making ways as a podcast that shares. The unexpected paths to creative careers. Just like we hear stories about people's journey to finding love making ways shares people's journey to finding a career they love. You can find podcast on itunes soundcloud spotify and all major podcast apps or visit making ways dot co to learn more. Hey everyone welcome to another episode of dateable all about modern dating. Have you ever thought about the way you date in the way you view dating really has to do with where you are and sometimes we kinda date in a bubble if you think about it. Have you ever stepped out of san francisco or california or the us and saw how how the rest of the world dates. And it's just a lot different. Isn't it so today we're gonna talk about some of those differences with our guest keno. Hey what's up. A i'm going to give you a little background keno i. He is thirty years old originally from the philippines. And he's been in san francisco for ten years now he wrote in to us and said guys. I grew up in the philippines on us to this traditional type of dating. He's been in all these long term monogamous relationships. You're actually engaged for a few years as well rise two years two years and now you're dating in the us this whole dating multiple people and using all these ads. The you're just clueless about what it's like to date here not just in modern times but also in this culture so i want to learn more about you dating in the philippines. What does that mean when you say traditional traditional style dating because for some of us you know. Some of our listeners have never done the traditional dating before. Yeah well i guess we don't what growing up we didn't really caught dating. It's more like courting so all your focus is basically on one person and usually that person will be the one. You're gonna marry basically wait. Hold out the person at a time and you're going to marry them. This is all foreign until it's one present time. And yes. I feel like now. It's very different though. Like in the philippines very americanized. I'm sure now there's so many like people like standing around off ex-pats there too so i'm sure that culture chancellor really quickly to the philippines but we're there ten years ago or so. I grew up there in the philippines up to high school and then they moved to indonesia for two years. I started college and after that moved to china in shanghai for year last. You're super international. I would say asia's probably one of the last cultures to adopt this modern dating sort of culture because even talking to my cousins them were doing this traditional dating up until maybe five six years ago where they date one person at a time and the whole purpose of dating is to find someone to marry your. That's all changed. Obviously and that has not been the case in the us for a while now. When were you first exposed to westernize dating. I guess recently. When my ex broke up with me i i just didn't know what to do like i mean. I knew of the online dating apps. But i've never tried it. It was also weird because a laid. It was kind of taboo. I guess growing up like yeah. Don't do that. it's just for hooking up and all of that stuff. But i feel like now. It's like the norm in the city. Like people outside anymore. It's just all through the apps. I've had this sort of wanting to write a screenplay about an alien that comes down to earth to date for the first time and just being like why are we still messaging. Hello why are we. Why are we still online. Why can't we see each other in person. Like what's the hold up so you definitely. That's one of the main complaints. We hear about modern dating. But then i would throw it back at you and say well. You were traditional dating for so long you were engaged. None of those worked out. Do you think that had anything to do with the changing culture dating or was it just the way it was. I think it was just the way. It was my past relationships before my last one along long relationships because i was moving around so much and those that work for obvious reasons and i think my last one also filipina and i think she kind of felt like she was missing out.

00:05:12 - 00:10:03

I think was one of the reasons why she broke up with me. Like she felt like we were just together for so long. We grew up together. And what else is out there. I mean there's definitely like a cultural side. But i think there is that even for people that have been in the. Us that just happened to be in. A lot of long-term everywhere should ships. the grass is always greener. I wanna see what else is out there. Well that's the thing with modern dating that we have more access to more people. Now that day you only had your neighbor like okay already. Dated those two neighbors now heard one in the app sir allusion the obtainable out there and abundant easy series. Attempted before you move to the. Us did you hear anything about dating the us. Wilbur you yeah i mean i guess i sort of knew how dating was here. You mean based on. Just what i see in movies and all that stuff. What movies are the cheesy movies. Like my chinese relatives. They think american dating is just having sex like just and non saas sex. Isn't it a little. Maybe maybe burning man on the movies movies yeah My my grandparents are always. Like americans are so horny. They always need that to me. Like americans are very horny so when you say dating multiple women would interesting concept how weird. Why is that so weird to you. i think i'm a very loyal person. And i feel like if i date more than one person i feel like i'm cheating on on one of them even even though. I guess we're not officially together or from an early age. It was like one person focused. Yeah i mean growing up my parents there were each other's first growing up. I'm like okay. I'm going to find the perfect girl. He's gonna i she's gonna be my last and it's like kind of like the goal. Do you feel like you need to date multiple people in the us is. Is there something that driving you to do that. No i don't think so. I still don't do it when i date. Someone focused on that person. Now i try to even though you know i get goose that allowed and all that stuff but you know when when something clicks i definitely just focus on that one person even though you know that they're probably dating other people yes like i hear about people from this podcast feeling this one night. I'm just like i can't do that. Tired some yeah seattle from being someone. I wanna spend as much time as possible to get to know that person. You can tell the people that you're dating that you're not someone that likes to date around like have you ever had those conversations without sort of I'm pretty open to the fact that i knew dating always tell that i'm very straightforward like united scott out of this relationship. But you know. I'm looking into something serious something real. That's great. yeah how did. How did you respond to that. I mean from the few that i've been. I think they appreciate it. I think honesty is definitely the best way to go. I personally really appreciate that. Because i can. I can't even count how many times i've come back from a date and ask my girlfriend. I'm not sure if he's looking for something serious. And i hear from my girlfriends all the time to write. I don't know what he's looking for. But it's nice that you put that up front and if the girls not looking for what you're looking for then she'll probably we'd herself out there and it has been tough. I i mentioned that. I'm straightforward about you. Know i just got out of this long term relationship and as a little unfair because they seem to like think that away. You're not ready at all. we haven't gone. It's maybe you should date more people for someone actually told that to me. When did you get out of this last relationship february of last year so a year. Okay i guess it depends on your own comfort level. Yeah for sure. I mean I think everyone's there. Everyone moves on in the different way. Some people it's as an years to get over some what some people may be just months. I feel like you never really know when. Like i don't think swiss just goes on and you're like okay. I'm ready now. You just like have to move on and just start going on dates and figure out and yeah just go from there. But i feel like it's unfair when go on these days and they're like I don't know like. I don't know if you're ready yet. You know like maybe you should just date more people. I like data rounds the norm and then they don't want to see i get the sense that you're probably uber serious dates.

00:10:03 - 00:15:05

Like i get the sense that you come office a guy. Who's going to do all the things that i personally would want but then feel like this is real right because it's so abnormal in some ways and i can see because i actually said this to someone before thinking. Okay you just gotta relationship a year ago a series relationship and now you're looking for something series again. Are you just a serial monogamist. Are you just looking for someone to fill the void versus. Are you really trying to look for someone i mean. I don't think i'm bad serious. I try to have one. you know. it's like when you want to act like you're just trying to get to know new friend. So that's i mean that's how i go about it when questions are asked to answer them straightforward. Like you know. What are you looking for looking for something serious. I just go with it comes to online though is like there's so many reasons why people are online dating that like your sample size is not that big so like you were saying. Yeah that would be awesome to find someone like that. Maybe just have found those girls yet better like this is all miserably true. Yeah so when you wrote into us. He said i'm totally clueless about dating in san francisco and having all these problems. I'm not getting as many dates. List out all the problems you're having and let's hash it out first of all. I'm not getting any matches. Maybe i get one a month. That's nothing compared to like what i've been hearing. How many apps are you on a lot. Basically all of them you know bumble. I've never gone to get him bumble. My best state was from tinder. Which is but yeah. I've been maybe on like five or six states now. I took a little break. Deleted all of them. But i want the cycle. Yes the cycle. But yeah i mean when i was active. I was very active like you know. Every day it came to a point. Where actually i think. It was about time where he wrote in. I was so frustrated. Like i was just like watching. Tv swiping looking. I got maybe one match. Okay i've heard other men complain about this too and like i've been like using the apps again and like it's obviously as a woman you get more in general but i see a noticeable difference from a couple of years ago when i was on that and i think like not even just matches like people messaging and i think that a lot of it's just like fatigue of them to Yeah and also some people are just not meant to be on apps. You might just be that guy you know. I feel like you're the type of guy who's gonna meet someone through an introduction through a friend of a friend through a co worker. I think that apps are just so quick and simple. That is just like it doesn't feed your needs at all. Okay so problem. Number one no matches lack of matches problem number two. I guess the first dates in few days that went to like a second date but nothing more than except for my last one. Which weird limbo. Yeah it's it's more of like. Yeah i go on these first and second dates in i try to you know. Get to know them. And i guess the chemistry is usually not there Why why do you say you. Guess i feel like i always like when i you know. Reach out to these women. I feel like i always have to reach out. I think if i don't text them bernard exile and most of them they end up just like ghosting me like just not texting bag texting. Probably one thing. When you will dylan philippines and asia keeping experience out there like did you experience women being as reactive as they are here or how you perceive it here on. I think so Texting is pretty big there in asia. I mean my ex's like when we were still dating they would text me a lot and helier ghost in asia. I don't think so probably now. Gosling happens but back then. I think when you pick someone and that girl like agrees to go out with you. I think she's already agreed to like be with you forever pretty also back in the day. There was accountability. You're being introduced by a mutual party so they screw you over then you know the word gets back to whoever set you up like now. There's no accountability on tinder kiosk. Not a real. I really until you meet them and then when you meet them it's like well. We have. Nobody mutual friend. Yeah no one's gonna find out so you're experiencing the lack of accountability.

00:15:05 - 00:20:01

We're dating okay. Why do you think with you're going back to what you said. I'm guessing the chemistry was not there when you say that statement. Is it because someone said that to you or you're just making an assumption. I'm making an assumption. But i feel like i mean personally. I think chemistry just doesn't happen like immediately. I'm sure for most people like you know. Once you started talking you feel it but i think for a lot of other people. Chemistry happens over time. Because you're still trying to get into the person. Sometimes in the first or second day are not as open the slowly. Warm up to you so only the more open and then you realize you're on your similarities and all that stuff on like the fourth or fifty And usually it doesn't get to that point. So how is it with your axes like when you. You're more singular focused. Do you feel that chemistry or is it a build over time. I think It was a mix of both a few of them on there. Were my friends. I e so we already knew each other and i you know that's also like one of the good things about being with someone who you are friends with for because you know what a person and how the person is and you just accept the person for who he or she is. Yeah there's something. God i keep thinking about this if you're dating some if you're on a date with someone where you know them sort of or you have a mutual friend. The dynamic on that date is so different than coming cold knowing nothing about their family. And i feel like maybe your demeanor when you come in cold is probably so different than how you normally act on a date with someone. You're you have some sort of comfort level with so that's probably another issue like coming in called without perfect stranger. What other issues are you experiencing year. I think when i do get matches in the apps like women seem like in my experience. Women seem very cold lane. I tried to get a conversation going to get to know the person for so you know we at least have something to talk about that date but then you know it's more just like a yes or no answer in nothing continues. Isn't that so funny. There's like this whole guilty until proven innocent mentality. when it comes to online. Dating women experienced the same thing. If i'm talking to someone. And i make the first connection for piece of communication. Somehow the other person feels like i'm putting them on a pedestal and i'm trying to get their affection and get them to like me and get them to ask me questions so then like feeding into their ego. There's something really weird about that. You're trying to yourself to these people you haven't met. I think a lot of this. I mean i'd be curious to ask more about just like other things besides online that you've done but like i think a lot. This is just general online dating. And i think some of it's like coming anyways. It's probably coming to you as a total culture shock. Yeah you've never really deeded before. I think a lot of this is like stuff that you've been people that have been dating years and years would probably say like none of this is like oh my god. This is so unique to you. That should hopefully give you some hope. We know over and over again. Your skin is just not thick enough. Take some of it goes back to like. Is it a natural way to meet someone. I've done a lot of online david. All my significant relationships have been just person just organic over time. Something just happening like have you tried like doing any social events that you can meet people what's been outside of online app experience. I've got a couple of meet up meet ups And they were pretty fun. I just like recently just like after that. He just got really busy from work. And it's just like when you're busy is just too easy to go to. I'm not the type of person who would just go out to bars and light. Yes it's it's it's just not that type it's weird from me. I mean i probably need to learn how to do that but yeah most of my ex's are the girls i need from common friends and i'm guessing they've known you over time and then grows over time if he gets an interesting thing that he said though that i don't have time so i go to the apps. Then you also know. The apps don't work so is it worth assessing like. If that's the right time allocation i guess. That's that's very true. I mean for me. The apps don't work. But i feel like there's a lot of successful relationships through that only takes one. It does even swipe out of a million people. It just takes one. what are you looking for. I'm looking for something real like you know. I think I'm i'm ready.

00:20:01 - 00:25:02

Like i was engaged and i was ready then. We mean definitely heard a lot after that relationship you know after that. I've definitely learned so much about myself. What i want a person that i think i'm ready for the next thing. I mean i would like to go on more dates to get more people. And but yeah. That's that's the end game. I'm just gonna play fake psychologists for one second because you're really qualified. I'm really qualified. I got my certification from you to me the sense i get from you keno is that you're still healing. And the women with their comments about like. I don't know if you're ready. Part of me feels that way and i'm not. I'm not saying you're healing from that last relationship. It's count pounded healing. I feel like you have an addressed. Some of the hurt you felt in the past to move on which is hurting your self esteem. And that's what i'm feeling from you. It's like there's a. There's a little part of you that you haven't. You're not willing to give yet and you're holding back a little bit. And if i were on a date with you i would feel like. He's hard to read. I'm not sure if he's looking to fill void or he's actually wanting a relationship. That's the sense. I get right. That's what you would tell me to tell you. But but that's enough of my little legs fixed psychologist. But i do want to say though for anyone who's feeling this frustration here all the time the stating fatigue from from apps. You can't put all your eggs in one basket. Yeah and that's what happens a lot of times. You default use you these apps. It's easy to do. It's accessible but at the same time it's gonna frustrate you. It's going to hurt you and it just makes you hate it. Even more linked to choose a lot of time between like know you've had a lot of long relationships like what's been like the timeline before the next one it's usually within a year sometimes less. So you're coming. You're coming up on that year. You're coming what do you think of what you just said. No i think. I think you're pretty spot on like what women feel. And i think you're definitely not wrong about like what current situation is. I mean i can't like i actually. I can't say like what what i feel right now. I mean it's. I'm sure it's partly true. That maybe hurting. I think yeah. I agree with that for sure. I mean at the same time. It isn't fair. You know when these aids and women feel that way that they just like push me away just because of that reason. It's not like we're going to get married next month or anything. I mean we can still get to know each other. I feel like trying to you. Know he'll get over someone. You don't need to do it by yourself. It's all about that the in between like who. Who helps you like your friends. Maybe the next person helps you get over it. I do you think there is a little bit of danger to think about. I don't need to do this healing process by myself. I'm looking for something someone to help me. That's fine but i think it does come from within and from one of our season finale episode. It's our guest. Dave said you know after his divorce he so he went through a heartbreaking divorce. He worked on himself for a year and in that year. He didn't stop dating. It's not like you just cut it cold turkey but he was dating to find himself not to hop on the next relationship but through dating through therapy in that year he found himself and i would say we could all do this in. Our healing process is to focus inward. What what can i do to improve. How i'm feeling right now because you're obviously not happy with the state of things which you can only control yourself. You can't control other people right. You can't control the fact that the culture here is dating multiple people using apps like that's just the reality that we're in that's reality were in but also says some standards for yourself if women are cold to you if someone's coal to you on an app south talking to them you're not they're trying to please them right. You're not trying to earn their interest. Gotta set some higher expectations and standards for yourself and also diversify how. You're meeting people this. Here's one here's here's one way to diversify as through this podcast. We're gonna pimp you out there. Who wants to meet keno. Let us know. He's a good looking young man. But also you know like. I really think you're the type of guy and we've talked about this on so many episodes some people just do so much better face to face over time yet so i always say like join a group where you're exposed the same person same people week after because then those emotions and attraction develops over time. Yeah i know about myself them. Good in small groups leaving events like i'm not that great and select.

00:25:02 - 00:30:01

I tried to find activities that are more like smaller group oriented to meet people. Yeah i think yeah definitely agree like david wright his name i think i'm going through the same journey and i've done a lot to kind of like fix myself. China find myself. In what what i really want but at the same time like i mean. Yeah he. I don't stop dating but like i'm always into some mindset. Where in you know. Whoever i'm dating at the moment could be the one. I'm not gonna. I'm not gonna look that and be like. I'm just going to be more people until i find myself. I mean there's there's no like end to that i mean you can spend your whole life finding yourself but yeah i mean in my mindset. Is you know this person can be the one. And i'm going to put on efforts to this person assuming it works out. I think that's really great though. And i don't like. Ua said like should be to both would be like really into someone like that. So i think it's again just like finding the people that agree with you on that i wouldn't say like all of a sudden you should go be serial dating everyone and doing all this stuff but it's probably a combination of just blaming the external but then also like staying true to yourself at the same time i would also say that i like the mentality of the glass is half full. I like that so coming into date thinking this could be the one this person could be. The one is great but at the same time you gotta think to yourself. What are some of those qualities that would make someone the one instead of going. Okay everybody could be the one you have doesn't what is the feeling. What was the last time. I felt like someone could be the one. What are those feelings. I wanna get are those like qualities. I'm really looking for because then that helps you filter the data to i can i can see sometimes when you want something to workout. You could be on a not so great date and be like okay. I think this could work out. I think this could be the one stellar be really disappointed if they're not the one. Yeah you're setting yourself up for disappointment. That's that's really especially never met the person like there's just so many variables of like that first online. Data's really a first date yearning. It's shocking to me. How many times. Julian i will meet men just like you. Who are having hard time dating. And we're both like why like under stand because all of our girlfriends would say they're looking for someone like you but there's this match. Why are you guys not finding each other. It's time to take a quick break so we can tell you about the latest service. We have been building over at dateable. Dateable is teaming up with higher club to provide headshots for your dating profiles. You'll get a fully professional experience with makeup. Styling lighting and more visit dateable. Podcast dot com forward slash coaching for more details. What's your age range that you're filtering for. I'm from like twenty. Four to thirty six. Pretty elaborating i mean. It's it's i don't like ages number for me cates. No kids doesn't matter. I don't know. Actually i mean i've never thought about it. I've never dated anyone with kids. I mean i'm open to that. I mean it's like like would you said at the end of the it's it's just like getting friend. I mean worst case. Maybe turn out to be friends or not. I don't know but after that identity you learn more by yourself and what you want so to turn it back to different culture. Glad i'm still very interested in that. Do you have friends to date. That are living in asia or anywhere else in. What did they say about dating. So i haven't talked too much friends and asia but it's kind of gone to that westernized route now especially my friends who are still dating now. It's it's more. It's more normal to date multiple people. But yeah i. I still have some friends who are married or are still with the person who their first david. Their first person. They met them a long time ago like actually met this girl from barcelona and she even know that i do this podcast or anything and she started talking about dating in literally. Everything she said was about how tinder because like giving people all these options and like all this stuff like it literally. Sounds like all the complaints we hear here so we obviously need more data points than just the couple people but it's really fascinating that we keep hearing. Isn't that different in different places. I think it's totally you almost the same in china but there's ex-pat dating and local yeah and ex pat dating is affecting the way locals you'll see it all the time you see these experts. Come in when i lived in beijing. They would start alluring.

00:30:01 - 00:35:02

The all these ex pat men will lure the local women and the local women are like way can you. But i don't have to marry you. Perfect i'm going to date local annex pat and that influence a local man to think. Oh if you're dating an ex pat and me than i can multiple women myself so it's definitely funneled down to local dating but you don't hear as many complaints because it's still so new like it's exciting about earlier like tinder. I came out. You're giving tons of matches and tons of messages. It was like really fun so they. I haven't hit that lake burnout stage handed out yet. My cousin my female cousins. She's like six months. She's really tall especially for chinese girl so when she was dating this was like ten years ago she had absolutely no options so anybody that was presented to her. She was like okay. This will do just about as tall as me. That's fine and harmful like my whole family was worried about her. They're like her out to find someone but nowadays she's like. If i were dating today's time i would have so many options. The flip side. That's the benefit of all this like technology online. Dating when you don't have to rely on whoever your circle is where you come in contact with you meet people. That wouldn't be in that circle. Yeah but i don't think again. It's not so much location. It's the mindset within that location and in the us were experiencing this major burnout and everyone's complaining about the exact same things but like you said people are still meeting each other off apps happens we'll just takes one. It's like the revanche. Should he like bullshit to find that person. And i don't want to sound like a broken record but we've also talked about this a lot you're dating. Life is also affected by all the other aspects of your life to her so it it does help to sit down and think about my personal life. My family my career. How is that funneling into my dating life. And how are they interrelated to right. Even if all of a sudden tomorrow america woke up and said we're going back to traditional ways of dating no more apps that band people freak out like you're saying if you're super series on a day people freak out through the mentality shift. I think there's some of its app. But then there's also just like the change of women in the workplace like nonleague. We're talking about earlier like the men would court the women and they would get married but like now women don't necessarily need men financially bores. There's just a lot of dynamics that are changing that like summer apps but some really aren't just day and age there's definitely more independence for sure in growing up in the philippines. Like i guess. Women are a little bit more dependent yet and so all these tax you know. Every single minute of the day happens but now women are just independent. Like like what. I felt like i usually contact them first before they even sex me back so like if i don't text them they're they're never going to text me back. We gotta find a happy medium because of a girl text yet. She's fucking crazy. If she doesn't tax enough coal a happy medium. I had a friend that went to shanghai on a break. He was there on vacation. Met a girl shanghainese girl they serve dating for that week. He was there one day. We went out to lunch for an hour when we came out at lunch. He has seventy three text messages from her. And i said how do you feel about that. He goes feels good to be wanted. Well all comes back. I think it all comes back to your issue. That person that anything is amazing. If you're not then you're not true. Yeah definitely but you go into her. You're like this girl. I think like it really like the middle ground is like when you find that person all After agree with your friend blake nicely feel wanted and i think that's that kinda stems from like my passion ships were in. There will be more dependent on me so i would get all these tax. I am fine with that because you know. That's what i'm here for but there's also like the rules and like all these bad books that western women have gotten actually tax i. He'll lose interest day rule and stuff so i think there is some of that in like not. That's not the only reason if a women's texting you back but there is some of that they might be interested but they're like not wanting to like show all their cards. Are i think the overarching theme thou. Because you know we're kind of talking about like if you're looking for a series relationship for marriage but in europe right women are independent. They don't necessarily look for marriage. It's not like you know the main thing they're looking for. They have the same complaints about modern dating. Because it's the uncertainty of modern dating. It's the being a limbo like the word you use earlier. He's into me.

00:35:02 - 00:40:00

Don't know we are. I don't know if we're going to hang out saturday. I don't know if he's she's gonna flake again uncertainty. That's the overarching theme regardless of whether you're looking for marriage or not and that goes back to accountability. Yeah i mean yeah uncertainty for sure but at the same time if you don't do anything nothing's going to happen So miso go for that. And if you don't get it then at least you know that you tried and it's not going to happen as opposed to just like waiting and staying there and you know uncertainty. Okay not do anything and then you just lost a chance. Yeah you still have to do something. Otherwise you're you're just so what are some of our takeaway so many so many takeaways. Let's move to the philippines a- well this tragedy baggage high so amazing amazing so recommend that. Oh yeah so. Some of my takeaways would be one. Every time you are feeling dating fatigue just just know that there's a million other people who are echoing your thoughts as well so you're not alone in this too is whenever you feel like. You're in a lull for with with dating look inward. I think about like what are some aspects of my life i can improve. And what are some healing was a healing process. That i'm in right. Now what can i do to work on myself. More and then three. I would say it's all about this like this having standards. I saved all the time. It's like we got a filter better. We really got to filter better on the apps online and also in person. We're not you when you're on a date with someone. It's not your goal to get them to like you. It's your goal to get to know them. Those are two very different things so we gotta have better and higher standards for that so we grew takeaways. Yeah so many. I mean i. I think you should keep doing what you're doing by pursuing someone like going all in with someone because there's something really beautiful about that for the right person will give you the edge up over these people that are more like loosey goosey and not like really locking it down and doing stuff so i think there is something about that art of chivalry and like pursuing in. What was the word you use like. Cording corner i think i know it's like a forgotten and that we're learning more thing back in the day. I think there's something really nice about that and like looking back on that too like when you're in a relationship like thinking about those early stages like there it's really like part of the whole relationship so i think people should do that more like i don't think you should do it less but i do think like the reality is like even in the philippines even china like bishops happening. So it's like how do we deal with it like complaining about it and not that you are complaining about input just like you know what i mean like sitting there and being like. I don't wanna be any app. Or i don't want to be doing any of this like that's only get you so far. Yes keep doing the most of the romantic things that the gestures that you're doing but make sure you're getting the response getting that you you want to get versus pursuing blindly and i think the putting all eggs in one basket like i would try to find more ways to meet female friends and let it evolve because that's the attitude that about yourself and you know that's how your past relationships started. Yeah you should turn off every app like you said it only takes one and it's worth keeping but shouldn't be like the only thing either. Yes definitely definitely do yoga by chance. I've been wanting to gold mine. New year's resolution all women but also working on breathing working on meditation on yourself like i. We know a lot of friends. This is something i would never do. Because i'm not a morning person and a super athlete but like we have like like november projects is a lot of our friends have met significant others through there. Because it's like they all work together. They all meet each other. It's the same people like consistently so it's like finding what that is like. That's not my thing but someone else that could be there thing. Yeah i think he's just like what dave did on on his episode. He said he just tried out on different. Things tried like a wreck. Sports lee right. You just try push yourself out of your comfort zone and try things that you're like i kinda wanna want to try it but i'm kind of scared to try to the reason why i say. Yoga would be so great for us. Because i get the sense. And you're a sensitive person as well and i get the sense that you want to meet a girl who's like in touch with our feelings and yoga is a great way to do that. The numbers are in your favor. And when you get to a point where you feel good about yoga. Go joy yoga retreat. I'm telling you it's like all my guy friends who've gone to yoga. Retreats comeback with girlfriend bail without their like. We ate all great vegan together and talked about our feelings and our law. I think like you were saying to. It's hard to carve out that time but lake if you have like intramural league.

00:40:01 - 00:45:00

That's like every wednesday at six. Pm it's like kind of like therefore you yeah and it's consistent unique consistency you. That's what you really knew me. And i don't think that much girls play basketball by. That's my league right now. Well there you go then you you ca- lead basketball leah. Anybody out there looking alert. Bueller if you're if you're in a coed of basketball league let us know can bring meter yoga to basketball takeaways from all the u2 set all of it I think don't stop doing what i do. But at the same time. I should also focus on myself. I'm trying to fix it myself. Which i've been doing for the past year but you know it's a good point but i do want to clarify when i say focus on yourself. It's not like me me me me me. Does she like me to the law. It's not that it's like. How can i improve my situation. If i am in control of my life. I'm in control my emotions. What can i do to make myself better. What can i do to feel better in this moment. Dating so much about me me me me. Everyone always comes back from a date. Like i don't know if he liked me. It's not about you okay. It's about getting to know someone else but when you come home that's when you reflect on what can i do to make things better. We do have a question day. Shall we get to it. Yeah quickly from jimmy. I've been dating someone really great for almost a month. And we haven't had the dr conversation yet to find the relationship for you newbies. I really like her. But i'm wondering if i should stop the dating apps. Win would be a good time to phase out the apps. And how should i broach the subject with her e. Well well well. Well i would say jimmy feel uncomfortable about broaching the subject. You may not be with the right person because if you feel so comfortable with her you really like her. It's been almost a month. You should feel pretty comfortable about. Hey like just to let you know. I'm going to delete all my apps. How you feel about that. I'm ready to be monogamous with you. I'm ready to define the relationship I would also say like sometimes we forget that we're on apps. This happened to get in on an app and the lead it from your phone but some of them makes you like. Oh yeah your your profile. The richer account hinge. They make well they used you email asserted person to delete because they want the users up. Right you gotta think from the app perspective mighty and you might not know it so also be cognizant of that if you're if you see your partner on an app instead of jumping to conclusions you should ask them. You know about the situation. But i really do think if you're ready to phase out you're dating apps that's a good time to discuss it with your partner and you should feel comfortable doing that. Yeah it's like a perfect opening line. It is and sometimes you know what we talk about timelines all the time. Everyone's timelines different. You could be dating someone for like a week and say i'm ready to cut out all that we're day summer for like six months and then decide i also feel like the dt. Our conversation like yeah. You want to make sure you're on the same page with someone. But i think if you're like with someone like just like have a vibe a month in isn't that much time and people move into different pieces. So i think if you're the type of person that likes to focus on one person and like knows that about yourself maybe even a conversation like maybe it's just phasing out the absolutely i know from firsthand experience and just not even like a conscious thing. If you're spending a lot of time with someone you just don't have time to be dating other people. Yeah so. I almost feel like at that month. Part unless you really feel compelled to have that conversation then you can. You also could just like do what you wanna do. And then like see what happens naturally like obviously like ten months. You don't wanna find out the person's like seeing everyone and you're not but yeah. I think it will come out naturally as well. We're at least shut. If you're with the right person yeah totally. I mean. I was in the same boat actually a month ago and actually deleted apps. That's the reason why deleted my apps except for senator. Because that's how. I met her But i deleted all of it. I didn't tell her about it. Because i was having like a really nice feeling about this. This thing that's going on. I think it was great But now it's in the weird limbo so you can always reactivate if you're the type of person that likes to have more of a singular focus once he found someone there's something nice about someone that will like dive in not just like be constantly rotating people and meeting people at a very shallow level. Personally i'd rather get into someone deeper and then realize it's either going to progress or not happen and then you can always restart if you live in.

00:45:00 - 00:48:32

Doesn't have a video of apps right. they're always gonna be there like you always want you as always always want. They'll welcome you back with open arms and if you ever feel like you're in limbo in the situation you're in that's a good time to think. What do i need to do to change a situation because nobody wants to be in the novel. Gopher honesty honesty is the best policy. Sometimes all right. Let's wrap this up at home if you like to meet keno. Let us know we look up on a little blind date if that's something you're into if you're in a co ed basketball league or a beginner's yoga league that's we compete in yoga poses. A shortage started climbing to might way one wants to lamey physically and emotionally. Come lamey your tagline on your dating apps feeling climbing gyms good one climbing gyms the good one except the numbers are not in your favor no lot really step up and help a girl yes yes damn salute stress and also of you like to be a guest on our show. We are still looking for guests for season sick. We love to hear what you have to say about modern dating or still love. This topic like dating and other places have seen dramatic shift from either somewhere else in the us or internationally. We'd love to hear them. Yeah international dating. Let's say dateable. International old k on that note. Stay all your action. Item for this week is to balance out your time between dating apps and finding ways to meet people in real life so one of the tricks we talked about was for every hour or half an hour that you spend on these dating apps swiping you should also spend that equal amount of time searching for new activities or experiences where it could provide an environment for you to meet new people. This episode is brought to you by making ways making ways. Podcast that shares. The unexpected paths to creative careers just like hear stories about people's journey to finding love making ways shares people's journey to finding a career. The of love you can find podcast on itunes soundcloud spotify in all major podcast apps or visit making ways dot com to learn more. If you do know already. We have a revamped website with articles videos and content. All about modern dating you can also find our premium why series where we dissect analyze an offer solutions to some of the most common dating conundrums. We've had some great feedback. About how actionable these episodes are so check them out on our website or items music also visit the site today to see the latest about coaching for we connect you with dateable approved experts to help with everything from dating profile reviews coaching and even gathering real feedback about your dating style in a personalized an affordable way to connect with us visit dateable. Podcast dot com. You can also find us on facebook twitter and instagram instagram. All under dateable podcasts. Don't forget to subscribe in down low. The podcast on itunes. Or your favorite podcast player. So you never miss an episode.

Dateable Podcast
Yue Xu & Julie Krafchick

Is monogamy dead? Are we expecting too much of Tinder? Do Millennials even want to find love? Get all the answers and more with Dateable, an insider’s look into modern dating that the HuffPost calls one of the ‘Top 10 podcasts about love and sex’. Listen in as Yue Xu and Julie Krafchick talk with real daters about everything from sex parties to sex droughts, date fails to diaper fetishes, and first moves to first loves. Whether you’re looking to DTR or DTF, you’ll have moments of “OMG-that-also-happened-to-me” to “I-never-thought-of-it-that-way-before.” Tune in every Wednesday to challenge the way you date in this crazy Dateable world.