Jasmine tells us about being in an open relationship from the perspective of someone that never thought about non-monogamy before. We discuss making your own rules in dating, why different relationship setups can work, and how good things come from staying open to possibilities.
S6E8 Open to being Open
00:00:00 - 00:05:01
The Dateable podcast is an insider's look into modern dating that the Huffington post calls one of the top ten podcast about love and sex. On each episode, we'll talk to real daters about. From sex parties to sex droughts, date fails a diaper fetishes and first moves to first loves. I'm your host Yue Xu, former dating coach turned dating sociologists. You also hear from my co host and producer Julie Krafchick as we explored this crazy dateable world.
This episode is brought to you by making ways making as podcast that shares. The unexpected paths to creative careers. Just like we hear stories about people's journey to finding love making ways shares people's journey to finding a career. They love you can find the podcast on itunes soundcloud spotify in all major podcast ads or visit making ways dot co to learn more everyone. Welcome to another episode of dateable. A show all about modern dating and on this show. You know we've discussed the gamut of dating different relationships you can have open relationships poly-amorous monogamy and we've always talked about these sorts of relationships from the standpoint of someone who's already been in them and also from an educational standpoint you're selling once or once said that they want more information about we've actually never talked to someone who hadn't hadn't really been exposed to before but was presented with the option of it so that's our guest is your day jasmine. Hi jasmine you wanna say quick high. She is here. I'll just give you a little background. She is forty years old or is linked from boston. She's been in san francisco for seven years and the last time we spoke to her about her relationships she said you know. I met the sky. I really like him but he's into open relationships and i've never been an open relationship. I don't know what that means but this could work because our schedules are sort of opposite of each other so those days that he is free. I'm not free. And he's you know he could do whatever he wants so when we spoke to her last she was still limbo about how felt about this whole open relationship situation. But now it's been how long now you guys may right. It's gonna be a year and a half have been with that guy that we talked about a year and a half ago. Okay so tell us about. Let's go from the very beginning when you guys just. I met when he brought up open relationships. What was your initial reaction. I mean it was on his tinder. So it's not like i didn't know like one of the few things he said was non monogamous. So but you put it out you put it out there when you were still willing to pursue it for a variety of reasons about point in my life. I think. I had run out of fox to give out summit a yeah and i was like an i tend to be a serial monogamist like i end up in relationships of anywhere from like eight months two years and then i'm like single for like three to six months in than i he got in that point. It hasn't worked. Nothing had worked. And i was like well. Why not be to something. Because what is that thing like. The definition of madness is doing the again stars. Like why not. Why not you but when you met him i remember. We talked about this. You really liked him. Wasn't it wasn't sure about that. Because he had a beard you liked. You liked him yet because he didn't make me tired. I kind of. I'm a very particular risen. I am introverted. Not that doesn't mean that. I'm shy but i have to expend energy to like go out into things. Don't enjoy eating because it's a second job for me. Yeah so. I went on this date with our first date was like walking around golden gate park and then like walking around the avenues and getting pizza and cake rs mendi and just like going for a stroll for three to four hours and it was really organic. Chill at the end of it. Like i didn't feel like. I have worked for three or four hours. So you know it wasn't like a hundred percent sure about him. I was like. I would definitely see this guy again. This pleasant experience and it wasn't that much work when you guys really got to know each other you really liked him and this this open relationship conversation was opened and you were playing around with idea of i am i. Am i open to. Yeah she shared. What were you going through. I mean i was very conflicted. Like i i can be like. I'm not a hugely jealous person. But as what does this mean how i feel about this like rv like actively trying to date other people like order the ground rules on one of the things that made me even consider it with him. Is that to this day. We still remain excellent at communicating.
00:05:02 - 00:10:00
I'm not afraid to bring things up with him. Like habit of very calm. Rational conversation about he's like right down your questions and we'll talk about it and it's like who is off limits like wednesday's nina and ultimately what we came up with at that time is like everything that what you re tells you not to do as we decided that we would rather have eat. Don't ask don't tell enter everything you read is like that's not healthy. That's not gonna work. You shouldn't do it that way. But i'm kind of the mind. That i would be okay with it in theory but i don't know how feel if i'm confronted with it. It's in my face. I can see that. I definitely could see that. An offense is bliss so yeah a little bit. And like i. I guess i respect that. The majority of the community feels that that is not healthy and ultimately long story short. We didn't end up really dating other people. I wasn't put to the test. So i don't know if it would have been good or bad but like you said. At that time. I was working several nights a week. So i was like. There are three nights a week where i am not available if he is going on a date like it really doesn't affect me take anything from me so my feeling about it was. I don't feel like love or affection or whatever is zero sum game necessarily so like if he's giving stuff to someone else. But i am still getting everything that i need is not so bad and if you had like been exposed to open relationships at all before like this thought never crossed your mind. No no not really to be honest. Lake serial monogamy. When i love someone link really. I still i still don't really have is for anybody else. I think that that's the way i'm wired. Just open to exploring the possibility like accord. I do this. Maybe this would be cool. Maybe this is something that i need or would change my You dating his main reasons for like warning being open. Yeah i think that he had trouble being monogamous in the past like he had been in relationships before. I a little bit bad for outing him badly. He had not been faithful to several of his partners in us. Like what. I should just accept that i'm not able to do this and from the outset. I should say hey. Let's human so when you guys decided to move forward in this relationship. What were some of those rules. one is. Don't ask don't tell yeah. What are the rules on. Like to when i'm definitely not available. Don't have it take away. From time that you could be spending with me None of our friends are okay. things like that and i honestly does conversation was like a year and a half ago so i don't remember i probably have down someplace but but did you when you went into this conversation. Were you expecting that you would also date other people. Yeah i figured. I would try and like he's doing it than i should do to. Or are caution. Actually i take that back. I think i was like. I'm not necessarily going to do it but i ended up. I didn't apply okay. And what i found. I don't have time like more than one person. Iv that your girl talk to poly-amorous couples are having full-blown relationships. That's always something that i question. Because i feel like when you have a really serious relationship plus work plus friends like i don't know how you make the time. But obviously he said that time. Yeah i mean nights a week in. Yeah you balance another person exactly what that. I don't have that job anymore. But that was kind of cutting into it is that that's three nights that i couldn't go on a date. I couldn't see my friends so by the time i was seeing him. I was going to work. I need space for myself on that kind of person. I am hash blessed with like so many friends. I love millennial. Yeah i'm like. I was not i had no extra time. My life was a really happy. Like i did make two attempts to like do this. 'cause i was like i'm going to give it a try like i give my off. I'll try anything once that. I will like really try. It and i believe. I went on one day. That was more informational. It was somebody who is truly poly-amorous a he like. He likes to lake. Show new people the ropes. Let me talk to you about what re is. I was a lot of people like that. Yes yes i think. He enjoys being in that role and so like we went on one day where i was like. I think i need like a whiteboard and dry erase markers to lake right out. All of these different permutations that things does like triad into california. All hoy faulk avenue. That i definitely. I'm not going to be poly-amorous. I don't wanna have like a socket boyfriend. But at the time i was like well maybe i could. He meets some of my needs.
00:10:00 - 00:15:03
And maybe somebody else could fulfill the other needs like in theory. I could see how this would work but it didn't make sense for me. Yeah when you say. Don't ask don't tell did you. You said that was never tested. He ended up asking you about your your dating now. And i think i don't he straight up. No i went on two dates with somebody else. an. It does not specifically not. Because he didn't ask he didn't ask and does he wanna know i'd akitas no because he would be chose which is funny because he's the one who brought this up. I did tell him about the garage. Because i was like. Hey it's really interesting i did. This wasn't a romantic thing. But i like met with to try to understand the slight cole. I don't know about you okay. And then his whole situation. How do you know that he's no longer dating. At some point. He liked took tinder off of his phone. And i think he he kind of like let me know gradually at the more we got to know each other more. I kind of understand why he was doing it is that he likes a needs affirmation so i think that he was kind of using tinder to feel better about himself. He'd like swipe on people. You make a match like have a little bit of a conversation. He got he feel better that lake. Somebody wanted to match with him and then like this is discussing major visa. But then i realized you were better and they just like what kind of not pursue anything and so at some point i think it was. He moved in with me prior to the us. The big stuff. Yeah we've been living together for a little bit At some point he let me know that he liked took off his phone. Okay do you think of relationship would be different if you started off as purely monogamous. Not really i think it was like a thing that he thought he needed any still might need it at all. I'll tell you what we volved to. Yeah but i think we were just so smitten with each other so quickly. It didn't really mar sort of like the question. We have all the time right so for people who are Only you know. Accustomed to monogamous relationships. Were exposed to people who are accustomed to open relationships they will say. Maybe you just haven't met the right person ray and i. That might be true because he had never really been. I don't think in a truly open relationship. He was like setting himself up for because his other stuff hadn't necessarily worked out so who's to say that we had and i don't want to be i changed like i don't know that that's true in what we came up with ultimately is that sleeping with somebody else is not a deal breaker like. We never promised we would never do that. It's not like if one of us did. We'd be like how could you betray me. You said you would never do that. United like we're allowed to have feelings about it. Like i've said like i can say i'm cool with it now and once it happens. I'm not cool with it. But i'm not going to be out that it happened because i accept that s the thing that can happen like you might find yourself attracted to somebody it happens. People are human any think it's unrealistic to expect that you'll make never wanna sleep with somebody else again. What i don't want him going off in falling in love with somebody else or like having emotional attachment to somebody else. That is not cool to me. Let's of kind of like the word. Ethical non naga. This is basically saying like it's not. I didn't do anything wrong too. Cheap we're open had that communication wasn't cheating because it was right exactly the way it was worth so it's kind of tapping into the fact that we might not be wired for monogam- right in. It's no longer like a bad thing that someone did goes back to intentions because when we think about right if you talk if you hear any psychologist talk about cheating from ill intentions ill-will i'm cheating on you because you're not giving me enough attention. I'm cheering because you cheated on me right but with open relationships. It's not cheating because my intention is not to hurt you. My intention is i'm attractive. This person acting in that attraction rate. And that's what doesn't that's not cheating a lot of times. Cheating people aren't even that upset about the actual act of sex. It's more the betrayal. Yeah so you're getting rid of that the trail in the nation. I might still be upset but it won't be like you bites me. You went behind. I own jealous. that hurts. i not enough for like. I'm thinking that it would never be like like the trade may and we've kind of hearts about if one of us does go off and do that. It might be a sign that something is missing between ourselves you to take a step back and reevaluate it. Unlike i don't expect that may be will be somebody's everything like i can't provide every need for somebody in the music often do that.
00:15:03 - 00:20:04
That's fine but it's good to check in. It's good to have a lake. That's usually one of the reasons why people cheat is up there. Something bigger going on like full disclosure like my marriage kind of ended because of that one. I was married back in the day lake. We had a totally dead bedroom firmly a year. And i fully cheated on him right because there's something else going on right right in like we didn't have the same kind of communication. Will you know. It's a regret that i have like josh. We both were carter With my season awesome person. But that's so here's the situation. I don't know if this would ever happen to you. But this is all great if you live in a world in silo or just with each other right. You're only connected to each and you're communicating with each other but there are other people involved in this and i've always thought about this if i'm an open relationship with someone would if they end up cooking up with someone who somehow indirectly knows me fifty awkward. That's really awkward. An or the other way around it. Get back to him somehow. Because there's some sort of indirect relationship obviously friends off the table right but co workers. You don't know right here in that reality and have you thought about like what how he would react in that situation. Probably going to be honest. All like the in theory and in practice like i could say i'm so mature Understand that he did not mean for that to happen. And i get over things with time So i think that. I initially may be uncomfortable in i would either we break up or we don't get over it. I don't like there's only two ways it can goes far as i'm concerned. I guess it's all based on what you to people decide on two people in this relationship and whatever you're comfortable with don't ask don't tell may not work for some people but it works for you guys and you figure that out right but it has to be discussed ahead of time and i. I often bring up this example of my boyfriend back in the day who we were in a monogamous relationship but he was still on the dating apps because he won that validation if he had actually explained that to mean to begin with not that it's ok by any means but at least i could understand coming from what was most embarrassing for me was my co workers seeing him on the apps being active and talking to him on these apps. That made me feel ashamed. Right that's really shitty. So you have to discuss these things ahead of. Tony wondered about that. Unlike what if someone. I mean i've been fairly most of my friends. New manner circle. But i'm like. Yeah what if someone i know's months league can be weird. Yeah are. I had opened up tinder at some point Sometimes i do. Tinder tourism like if another country. That name take that yet or towards lake survivors in copenhagen conference in september minutes. Like this place is awesome. Like what would it be like to live here anytime i that way. I opened up tender to be like. Would it be like single here. The people in and i was with a friend who somehow had never been dating app. So i was like susan. This is how you tinder Swiped through some stuff together. I got her going and when i got back to work one of my staff was like si- you on tinder. What are you doing on tinder law. She and i was like i could just like dude was showing. My friends ever been tender before an also. Whenever i'm in another country to single that's how i knew it didn't want to move to an island john. Us virgin islands which is one of may replaces in the world. And i have thought about moving there. And i was like no no no. I can't write left left bartenders. Captain captain those who lives on an island at all the time jazz. Maybe maybe next time you do tinder tourism. You just change your photos right cut. I'm not really looking at the same time because you guys have this open. Oh not a problem with that is the other thing is office point in my life. He is not particularly in a place where he can travel with me. And i love traveling so one of the things i did think about is. Hey if i'm on vacation. And i met someone organically week. I could right. Yeah well that's just gonna say. I think there's a lot of people that just like doing the option key. This kind of like yeah like they might not be actively seeking out but if something was to happen and i mean i think there is something about it like the reality is i mean. Obviously you're like with someone that you love that is like sacks Sny but there's something different between like a hot one night stand site. It's just different. It's hard to explain the differences but it is to be honest.
00:20:04 - 00:25:01
It's never happened for me. Because i have a very unapproachable demeanor. Like the odds of me like meeting. Some hot dude on vacation snap therefore if it happens then i could right. Well i think a lot of people are relationships sometimes are scary to them because they feel like they're losing this freedom having this option it kind of removed some of that. Yes i think so. I think we're able to relax Well that's you know. We talked to some single girls today. Said i like being single. Because i don't wanna lose that freedom. I like being able to do whatever i want and see whoever i want. But it's not really when you're in a in a really fulfilling relationship you're not sacrificing freedom. Now you're actually giving freedom in some ways right yeah. I'm always happier when i have someone that gives me like a stable home base Have now right like i. We both do our own thing like time but like knowing that we have this really strong thing makes us both more secure so i guess from your perspective if he had said like. Is there a difference of him. Say i wanna be open versus knowledge. Do you have a preference. It's time to take a quick break so we can tell you about the latest service. We have been building over at dateable. Dateable is teaming up with higher club to provide headshots for your dating profiles. You'll get a fully professional experience with makeup. Styling lighting and more visit dateable. Podcast dot com forward slash coaching for more details. So i guess from your perspective if he had said like. Is there a difference of say. I wanna be open versus knowledge. Do you have a preference like would you prefer him to be like. I wanna be solely monogamous for you. I mean i think if i'm gonna be a hundred percent honest yes because that's what i'm used to. Yep there's less pitfalls less potential problems but that being said i know from my personalized with friends and family. You can say you're monogamous in. You're still gonna cheat just saying you're monogamous. Doesn't mean that it's not gonna happen to. Actually i take that back this long. Yeah because anyone can cheat just because you promise you didn't doesn't mean that that's gonna stop you. That's a really good point like what you say what you do. It's like just words in a way it doesn't really mean much. Yeah but what if you did come back to you today and said jasmina thought about things and i just want to be monogamous. Now i'd be fine with it. I mean like i again. I tend to be like i am happy in a relationship. I truly really. There's so few people that i like. I needed so. I think i would. I would be fine with it. But i'm also really comfortable with where we become meeting. Senegal may because so much has happened to me but just accept the reality that you can't control everything using and i'm really type a and i'm a perfectionist and i want to but i recognize that we can't right. Why like that. You set like you said it in a lot of people identify with this is that you don't connect with that. Many people select a lot of people might have said like. Oh he's open dealbreaker don. I might have been there a few years ago you know. I think it's like you get all this wisdom as you age. You can't get any faster that you have the other guy housing. Get to that point myself. I am five years older than him in that is like sort of a thing because like those like five year gap is. We're like so much stuff happened to me. That made me feel like he is a little bit younger than me. I don't know how he'll change. I don't how walls but but that's life. Yeah that's marriage has been arguing right hat. Sends you guys have been together for the last year and have have you heard of any a-this other dates or because i really don't want to know everyone's again like before. He took tender off. Like i said you know it gives you a little number of s.'s. That you have and are just kind of role is whatever by and Somewhat recently unfortunately. I was at the same party like he. He like met someone. He was somewhat intrigued by and he is terrible. Terrible hiding things. I kind of figured it out but like out. She was not issue. That's good he's into lesbians. So what sort of advice would you give to people who were in your same situation a year and a half ago. I'll always been monogamous. Relationships was never presented the idea of an open relationship suddenly meet someone they really like. They wanna open relationship. I've always been feeling. Try something once they you might like it. You might hate it but then link you have your data rate like how can you know that you don't make some guys try. Yeah that's my takeaway.
00:25:02 - 00:30:19
I actually think these sort of questions. And i'm pretty much an outlier on this like asking these of questions on days because i think it's a good way to gauge. Not so much. What kind of relationships. They want but their mindset If someone's like oh hell no. I would never be open to something like that. Then you already know. They're like narrow minded things. If they're like. I haven't really thought about it but i would need to get to know my partner and all right you know what kind of person they are but i guess i can respect them under having hard boundary. Yeah for sure. Yeah there's only about like. I know what i know myself but if you want someone more valuable than you so yeah it's information to house what other takeaways do have Don't tell but i. I think it's a i always say this. You got to establish your boundaries in the very beginning that goes with monogamous relationships to you being on a dating app may not count as cheating in your eyes but someone else may see that as chief you carry for granted that someone knows the inside of your own had a bryant. Yeah they're not psychic a. Right but we need to. Also everybody has their own ideas of what's right. What's wrong you have to set those boundaries ahead of time and and also know that you can on those boundaries once you establish them if you don't you have no Act on these. And like i said if if he didn't have like if we weren't so good at communicating would have considered it all who back to this communication thing you say guys are gonna communicating. Is it him. That helped you guys communicate in the beginning or is it you who was the one that brought in this skill set. I think it's just our mutual like no chemistry but like we we just when we discuss things like we don't get mad. We don't judge like it just feels very safe and very rational me. Like he's like. Oh yeah we had an argument last as we did because it was like so i felt like i don't know we just get along in that way. Give us an example Maybe trying to well like you know talking about money is like never a funding never between come out and we have like a fairly large income disparity that also makes shit a little bit awkward. I had to be like remember when we just took us like this thing. That thing in this. Money's gonna go here in that money's gonna go there. He was like oh. Yeah but i also see rear coming from under like okay. Run the same page and then we moved on okay like that is like how oliver little conversations go we like. I'm pretty non-confrontational. I don't like conflict. I had a partner in the past his a straight up narcissist in any time. I like brought anything up. I was like gaslight to like make it seem like it wasn't valid or it was all in my head so that made that problem worse but like a pretty quickly discovered with him that links note. We can talk about stuff like adults. Fine that's say. I think that's like one of my takeaways from all these discussions about like lopez. Communication is drake's so much more there than a lot of other types of relationships. And i think it's like like you said to integrate again on it. It's like this part of like we're not mind. Readers like setting up. Those boundaries is really important. I think my other takeaway is like you could have missed out on soleil. Amazing right if you didn't like go in with an open mind and it turns out isn't an issue because neither one of you has really act on it or it's getting in the way things obviously progressed. You still feel very loved in right handed. All that stuff so attended on words attempted to you but anyways like i feel like a lot of times in like myself included. I think podcasts definitely made me more open minded. But it's like hard yasser hard no with this stuff in there are like different levels of it. I think people just struggle with putting vocabulary to what they're looking for so maybe some people say i'm looking for an open relationship. Because that's the word they're putting labeling their feeling of not wanting to be confined their feeling of not wanting to feel like they're sacrificing their freedom right because that's a lot to write a tender looking for an open on non monogamous but sometimes we have to explore that a little bit more when you say nominee augments. What does that mean looking more. And as i learned from going on a date with that grew accumulates so many different things to different. It does one thing we need the grew on. I'm sure he would love. We have already had it. I wish i think the other thing that we keep bringing up. It's like the why they wanna do it. Because like i think a lot of times especially if you're very used to monogamous relationships you jump to conclusions the reason they don't wanna be managua is because you're not good enough they wanna see what else is out there they wanna have another relationship in like that may not be really the deep-rooted rooted like you said there was like an element of like this kind of self i actually feel.
00:30:19 - 00:35:04
I like to analyze Over fat lake it would never be deficiency in me. Yep lake he has sending where like a may not be enough for various reasons normally might be enough riazan at once. I like accepted that. I was like ireland. Totally relaxed league. No he thinks. I'm also kind kinda awesome. I be enough for this person. Nobody would be violent. This person i mean. But i think that comes from the communication and asking the y. Instead of just jumping to those conclusions because means that they don't want to commit to me. Well that's the problem. I have with media like win. Halle berry got you on. You're like oh my gosh. How could anybody ever cheat on halle berry. She's the most beautiful woman. The world's right. We don't know what's going on these people's relationships you know wife they're beautiful. The reason people around exactly so it goes back to what you're saying. It's a why and also intentions. What people's intentions. Why do they want to get in the sort of relationship and also when people do when they have certain behaviors. What are their intentions. We have to separate the good intentions from the bat. Tensions and accept people for what what their intentions are totally cool any other takeaways before we go to our question of the day the last i have is. There's something we talked about this earlier about his cheating in general and i think they're selling dice about that like i might be the person that will stray. So i'm gonna put this out in the open and not have it. And i think we talked about like with your situation to cheating isn't just like one person doing wrong. It's a sign of things going. Ropley going amiss in the relationship overall so i think there's something he said about. How like if you guys do end up finding other people. It's now time to reevaluate. What's going on with you. Yes so. I thought that was really just an interesting point in general and specifically takeaway on it but i just thought it was gonna throw all these scenarios. What would you say if he came and said. I'm so in love with you i. I am so fulfilled in this relationship. I actually think it would make our relationship better. If i brought a third person into now because again it is hard enough to be. And that's why i'm not into and really. It is hard enough to be in a relationship with one person. Like i do not have the emotional bandwidth to try to allah third. I i am so happy for you. I'm so sad that we're breaking up. I can yes. I think it's good that you know yourself in your limits like you're open but you're like i'm not like i know i'm not buying a totally. Don't judge people who are like. I have a very emotionally draining job in league. I do not need more drought right. Yeah right is there anything that you have as a takeaway from not just the discussion about light tire last year to haw. It's funny what you can overlook or get over for the right person. Like i have like terrible beard phobia like i am. Moving to san francisco is very. I like to joke that. I already did everybody. League didn't have a beard. I ran out of options in the mission. Ever badly as i was just like i'd fierce everywhere i know but like avenue saddam but like when it's ray it's like he smelled good like i love everything about him and i was like i can learn to live with the spirit and like now i think he's hotly Isn't that funny. It's like that's the problem with online dating that we have all these dealbreakers were looking for their so concrete within. When you meet the right person it may be some completely obsolete boxes. When i swiped on a high lake. He's about like reading books. He had a picture with his cap or scale of cats in lake. He said something about court which was like a hobby that i really wanted to get into. Yeah you're like. I don't care if you're open i've with this whatever zero fox exactly me bad takeaway to sarah fog that fuck candidates all right. Let's go to the question of the day comes from christina. She says i have been with my fiance for five years now. A recently proposed opening up our relationship. He did not like that idea at all and gave it a hard know a bit more about our background. My fiance ryan is my first real serious relationship. Third person i have slept with. And i'm starting to get cold feet and getting married about getting married and missing out on other experiences with other men.
00:35:05 - 00:39:51
I want to be able to explore my sexuality but not lose him. I have told him this. But how do i convince him. Being open is is a way to save our relationship does she give ages know ages. What would you say this is gonna sound really judgy. But i feel like that's like wanting to have your cake and eat it too like if he's into it like that's awesome if he was like. Yeah okay but you have to respect his boundary to and you have to decide how important it is to to go often. Have those experiences agree. I think also like there's being open because you know yourself for you know what you want. But i don't know if it's being open to save a relationship as necessarily the right approach to it. Yeah i think the biggest red flag in this situation christina is that you said I'm starting to get cold feet about getting married and missing out on other experiences with other men and i can guarantee you that if you have an open relationship it's it's not going to resolve that issue it may open up pandora's box and you just want to sleep with many men out there anything if this like. You're probably you asked how old they are. If they are young in the. I mean she said i guess it doesn't matter how old she is third person she slept with and clearly feels like she's missing out. Some people can sleep with three people on no problem right but yeah not right so it's almost like maybe it is worth postponing finding yourself and then if it's meant to be we'll come back and let me tell you from experience probably easier to cost a wedding. Get divorce i think. Just look at yourself in what you're looking for but don't use openness as a patch not a crush yeah. I think that's the problem is like if you think open relationship is going to save your marriage or is the solution to the void. You're feeling than you're setting yourself up for failure chazan said if you're both not on the same page or at least willing if you gave a hard. No that's different than like. You can't convince him he'll toilet if he agrees he might resent you forever. Yeah right exactly exactly okay any other takeaways than we'd like to talk about think that's it. I asked my boyfriend if he's open to open relationships giggles to see what's going on as if people use this be or he could be like i look at your for you. That is like oh shit okay. Listeners we love to have you as a guest on our show we talking about the the everything about relationships but also just about being single. What is it like being single in modern day world. I want to talk to someone who is just so loving being single that they don't ever see themselves getting married or being a really ship. We wanna meet. You wanna get get you as a guest on our show. Okay and with that said. Let's wrap this up. Stay animal your action. Item for this week is to think about the next time you're presented with something outside comfort zone instead of brushing it off. Think about it zimmer. On do some research and think about ways that a may possibly work even if you conclude that it's just not right for you at least you gave us some thought. This episode is brought to you by making ways making ways as a podcast. That shares unexpected paths to create careers. Just like we hear stories about people's journey to finding love making ways shares people's journey to finding a career. They love you can find podcast on itunes soundcloud spotify in all major podcast apps or visit making ways dot code to learn more. If you didn't know already we have a revamped website with articles videos and content. All about modern dating you can also find our premium y series where we dissect analyze and offer solutions to some of the most common dating conundrums. We've had some great feedback. About how actionable these episodes are so check them out on our website or items music also visit the site today to see the latest about coaching where we connect you with. Dateable approved experts to help with everything from dating profile reviews coaching and even gathering real feedback about your dating style in a personalized and affordable way to connect with us visit a podcast dot com. You can also find us on facebook twitter and instagram. All under dateable podcasts. Don't forget to subscribe and download the podcast on itunes. Or your favorite podcast player. So you never miss an episode.