S7E1 2 Blind Dates

00:00:00 - 00:05:04

The Dateable podcast is an insider's look into modern dating that the Huffington post calls one of the top ten podcast about love and sex. On each episode, we'll talk to real daters about. From sex parties to sex droughts, date fails a diaper fetishes and first moves to first loves. I'm your host Yue Xu, former dating coach turned dating sociologists. You also hear from my co host and producer Julie Krafchick as we explored this crazy dateable world.

Ola amigos we are back for lucky number. Seven now in season six weeks seeded one million listens. Thanks to you guys. Also we were listed as one of the best relationship and love podcast by britten co in addition to making the list for huffington post bt and more this season. We'll be bringing you more of what you love as well as some awesome sponsors with special offers just for dateable listeners. So don't forget to check out. Our website dateable podcasts. Dot com and follow us on social to get the latest updates and announcements on upcoming happy hour social events now due to the success of last season we will be continuing with our coaching services. And we just added some new coaches as well as licensed clinical psychologists and therapists. and of. Course it's all about the content right so in season seven. We continue to open up the conversation about modern dating with topics such as changing gender roles. How race plays into dating and also some hilarious dating stories and on top of all that we continue to expand to include more international perspectives. All to show you that girl. Not in. This alone are enough for me. Let's get on with the show. The database podcast features real stories from real people of how they make modern painting work or not. I'm your host. Ua former dating coach turned dating insider on each episode. You'll hear commentary from my producer. Julie kroft chick and other. Surprise co hosts. This episode of dateable is brought to you by five hundred brunches. Five hundred branches connects like minded people with similar interests to meet in real life over brunch. Answer a questionnaire about your interests and how you spend your time and then they'll match you in small groups of sixty eight at a brunch spot in san francisco get a free entry into a brench now by signing up at five hundred brunches dot com and using the code date able everyone. Welcome to another episode of dateable. Show all about modern dating. You guys reached out to us and told us that you like the. He said she said episode. So we're bringing one back for you. Except i was not the data this time. Thank more objective objective. Yes i'm out of the hot seat but we have our bachelorette here who's like the name she'll be. She's thirty originally from monterey bay and she's been in san francisco for seven years. She's currently well as far as we know single and actively going. I don't know what happened. After the day shelby. I came to us and she had no idea she gonna be set on two days but her original email me just briefly re best role quick. She said i have lived in san francisco for almost seven years. The you're in an off and on open relationship with a guy abroad. Yes in australia australia. Yeah that gave me the freedom to date. Have fun enough fully care about where things are going. I could have my cake and eat it to the next two years. I spent trying to get over this relationship that stating to just make myself feel better. But i still was not emotionally available and now that this relationship has fully ended amount of time in my life that i'm trying to navigate dating and care about the other person and as you know it's hard in the city so i feel my evolving. Dating perspectives experiences. Throughout these seven years are relatable to many sf residents. And i have some awesome stories to go with from guys smelling my hair on the first date to me showing up on a first date with a guy already wasted then offers me cocaine in the bathroom. I feel like. I've seen and heard it all but no she has ever gone on two guys and had to talk about it on the podcast. Here's before we get into the dates. Let's talk about just sort of your overall dating experience. you don't have to go into specific stories. But okay. where's your head at. I've dated. i would say my friends would call me a good data. I just i go on a lot dates on a lot of i states. I put myself out there. I make time for dating to a lot of people. Don't do but i never really get past. Just the dating phase so i'm really good at dating not so much good at relationships. I never get to that point of being in a relationship with someone and wizar- last relationship that open relationship. Yes last serious relationship. And i remember. We talked on the phone. You mentioned. you don't have trouble meeting people now. Okay not at all wrote as you all the time. First of all shall be very striking. You've got this like curly blond hair and you obviously have this personality that destroys attention.

00:05:05 - 00:10:01

Yes i'm easy to find in a crowd but i do think it helps me to meet a lot of people. I'm also very outgoing. Work with people all the time. I'm just really big people person meeting people's not that hard for me so i do get dates. But it's that crossover from dating to relationships that i think i struggle. What do you think has been the problem. That has the ball la for. Are you looking for a serious relationship at this point in my life. yes on the open monogamous. And it's taken me a while to get there I think like a lot of people were very career driven. I've been in school for awhile. I'm very content with my career. Now i really like san francisco have decide. I want to stay here. I would like to continue a life here with someone else with a partner. And i think put down some roots syria. Yeah perfect so okay. With think is happening. What are your friends telling you shall be. This is why you're The stating hasn't been taken to the next level of relationship. Everyone just says. I haven't met the right person yet. Some people sam too picky. I don't know then circumstances where you date some of her while and you wanna take it to next level they don't yes okay and has been that discussion like and ultimately it was more the idea of the person in the actual relationship that i wanted. I guess who's at fault here. Who do you think is at fault here. Let's lame man you're meeting or is it you. I think it could go both ways. Okay yeah i'm not gonna say i'm not at fault here. I've also really enjoyed being single. And i like being single. I'm very independent. So there's probably a big issue with that trust factor in crossing over to the relationship as the dating is very casual. I can still really focus on. Meaning what makes your situation. Unique is right now. You feel like you're dating a law but you can't take it to the next level that's not a unique situation. A lot of people feel that way go on day after day after day would does make it. Unique is that most people would say. I have a hard time meeting people in real life. You know. I'm just doing the online thing but you know issues with meeting. Men relies in fact. Now can meet them pretty much anywhere anytime so maybe by going on these two dates that we set you up with. We can get to the bottom of this. Why this is happening in the reason why julian is set you up on two different dates not because we want you to pick it's not like really the bachelorette style although my rose ready ya preference but also just what men think of the date like go and of course what you thought of the dates to so who should we start with. Should we start with now. Yeah let's start with that okay. So here's bachelor. Number one description of him. his name is matt. He's in his early thirties from california. He's been in san francisco for nine years single and actively going on dates he filmmaker slash comedy writer outdoor enthusiasts and self described weirdo discredited to walk us through that date. Yeah what was i know. You had an impression of him before the day in. Yep yeah i. I saw a picture of him very cute. But not totally my type. I have a very specific looks type of a hero. You're only into redheads and long. All right all my friends think it's hilarious. I just really liked tall gingers. I live problem dated crater data. All the right person. There's five on solve the issue okay. Let's just drink but yes cute was not exactly my type. Looks wise. But i'm trying to be open minded in keeping my options open so we ended up going to a bar in hayes valley. It was good. He was like running a little bit. Li i lived pretty close. So we're Good communication. And i'd say as far as like in the bar. It was good conversation. There's a couple like awkward silences. But i felt our quality of conversation was pretty good. He's lived in the city for ten years. Which like he's really into burning man. Which i like as well yeah. It was fun and interesting questions and he is pretty interesting job.

00:10:01 - 00:15:02

He's a filmmaker Just seemed like very creative. I'm not super creative. Like books science minded. And so that was. I wasn't so sure about that. But i'll pause you there for a set yet because when we talk to matt. He said one of the first impressions he had of you was that you are very easy going because he was running late from unloading some burning the show he did mention. That shelby seemed really cool with the fact that i was running late and wasn't pissed off by it. It's okay when guys are running late on dates as long as they tell you. Yeah i don't mind california every night feel like everyone wasn't like ten minutes. Yeah our like. I waited about ten minutes because he said he was ten minutes late and then he was still there before me so i was oh late. One very pushable communication. I won't let someone. Then that's what i get pigs. Exactly exactly so yeah. It didn't matter. I mean if he was going to be an hour later album. Okay so the conversation goes well you find out. He's a little bit creative on the creative side and let's go fast forward to an hour and a half into the date. Actually this is funny. Two of my. I went to the bathroom to my friends at the bar to my best girlfriend. Plant no idea. I told him. I was going on hayes valley and then i was like what. Are you guys doing here. And so we ended up chatting just real quick. I was like they're like well. How do you think it's going and it was really funny. Because i was like all about like me like do i like him like and then my friend was like what do you think he likes you like. I don't know so. I think i was just like a little nervous about all up in my head about like what i wanted to focus more on. Also kind of is reciprocated. Type of thing which i thought was interesting physically in the picture. He wasn't physically your type when you saw him in person. Did that impression change. I i think he's his still not exactly type okay. But he's i. If i met him at a bar and started talking to. I'd be like this you're tracked. Yes i'm okay. That's it and when your friends ask you if you were into him as you say to them i said i just i didn't know okay. I was still kind of and we are still. I think this is something interesting. That i've gotten from your shows and stuff just sitting at a bar kind of interviewing is just kinda difficult way to get to know someone so we decided to leave the bar. And there's a really cool bernie man structure that they put up in hayes valley. Which was there when you're that he was there. But not when i was there so we went and checked that out so that was fun than it was the friday night. That super hot out. So at san francisco. It's actually warm. Everyone's outside and we're in hayes valley and there's a rooftop party and this is where i kind of like he was like we should go up there and i was like yeah. We should because i'm that type of person to when you said that i was like a private party has already not by not like an open party. It was definitely like invite only sign like buzz. This number like you need to know someone. But i mean it was really easy. We just walked right in and no one said anything we just kind of went along with the group and it was super fun So i felt like that kinda helps loosen things up just to get out of the bar walk around talk kind of intermingle with the world's a little more and have a bonding experience crashing apart. Feeling about him at this point. That's when i was like. Okay i i liked this guy. I can see things getting going further. Or i would go on a second date with him when it was just at the bar. I was still contemplating like i know. I don't know what happens at the party Get drinks. We just become a part of the party. We know everyone but we really didn't talk to anybody else. And yeah we just had a good time and it was a really cool view of valley danced. I was waiting for that. But according to matt you guys were kissing a lot. I would go as far as to say you guys are making out. Yeah pretty good date with. I mean it was. It was hot and hot all of them. Did you expect this was going to happen. Even like an hour before no really.

00:15:02 - 00:20:00

It's really interesting. Like how if you get out. I think in two different elements really get to see difference as you mentioned that you liked his creativity and like all of that. Was there anything else that you liked. Just really liked about him. He's relatively easy going. Okay i guess like i feel pretty comfortable with. I feel pretty comfortable around. And most people but i don't feel super nervous which i don't know if that's good or bad thing. Sometimes when you feel super nervous around people you get like those butterflies. It's still very new but yeah just easy to talk to. I feel comfortable around tam. I think by that point. I knew that he liked me a crack. So i was a little bit more comfortable and kind of let my guard down because i know for the beginning i was definitely not say anything or was it like the kiss. That you really ks into me. I think when we were like dancing you could get combine. It was like you know you inspired Closer and this is out really good feedback from matt in general. Because i've never met matt in real life but from the little interaction we had had with him on the phone. He was really hard to read this guy. I'm not sure like what what's he trying to say here but then towards the end like all k- and that might have been the same type when my friends asked me. While does he like you. And i was like. Oh i don't know. Yeah you i knew the all. In the beginning he was a little hard sometimes have to like warm up a little also so could just be that situation. Were there any red flags. No not nothing really like stood out to me. Who's a good communicator. We had fun. Gimme kiss before he laughed. I texted him after like probably about like an hour later just saying that i had a good time. Thanks for taking me out. And that's not. The end is a dot dot dot wait five. Oh one point five yes it would be a one point. Five day He was he's on vacation for the next ten days so he i was impressive. He made it a point to see me or try to see me one more time before he left he actually wanted to go out on sunday night with with my second. I actually completely lied and told my dinner plate earlier. And i just said i had dinner multiple off life but we ended up having short copy He took a break from work. And i was in the mission so we made it a point to each other when we're time and so you're saying he reached out to see you again. Yes because according to matt you were the one that nearly ninety so that you seemed disappointed to hear he'd be oh and writer while yes and that's what tell him to seek. Once you know i didn't know i gave him that notion by okay. Maybe liked it more than you thought. I don't know need to ask this question. But would you go out with matt again. He's he comes back in a week and a half. I believe yet. Yeah he's gone for work. Go do bachelor party. And he'll be back. So yes i would go out with him again and do you plan on keeping in contact with them while he's on vacation. We've tested a few times. But not since he's been gone. Okay okay. maybe he did make a point to say he was like. I'm really busy tied up. Yeah he wasn't going on vacation he's going somewhere. Were out of work. Or i so on a scale one to ten ten being the best day of your life how would you have rated. The one point five dates you went on with math six was six. I mean i don't i. It was really fun. We did something different. But i mean as far as all overall dates. It wasn't like mind blowing. I would put like some crack up higher where like done like extravagant things or something a little bit more crazy or but i'd say that's a good rating from me. So here's what matt said. The did went really well. I really liked her smile and her work. Charismatic personality on a scale of one to ten with ten being a great date. Best date how would you have rated your first date with shelby up pair like eight. Something i don't think i've had to ten. I certainly the continuing. Like i wanna see her. Okay afraid is there anything else that you would think that matt would upset about the day.

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I felt like. I was pretty reserved in like very beginning. I think it took me a while to really like let go and open up. And that's kind of how. I am socially on a blind date. Do you have any feedback that he said. So here's what matt said. Are i got the fence. That somebody that busy. Because she doesn't have a lot that she likes doing on our own like creatively or even just sitting with herself. She seemed like somebody that never want to be alone. Funny at the end of the day she brought it up component. Just had like. Yeah i like being around people. I never never liked being alone or doing my own thing and so that was just interesting about a red flag. Really just something. I'd stood out in my life trying to focus more on Sort of soul feeling things and for me that projects. Meditation things like Hiking a lot of solo activity and what. I thought her with that. She doesn't really do those things. It's just something that kind of jumped out to me. Not a deal breaker as interesting so we had coffee. We were talking about this. And i agree with him. I like to be around people all the time. But maybe i didn't i i do have my alone time. I do sit and read a book. I like doing that sometimes. I like sitting and reading a book in a cafe fight. I'm still it's like my time. Even though people are around. I do think he has way more creative outlets than i do but He does seem a little more introverted than me as well. But i don't think that's a horrible thing. In a relationship popping one nelson not at all the extra one person be more introverted. And it just means that you to have very different definitions of alone time means you could be alone around other people. His own time is alone. Alone right yeah. That's a very interesting. It's interesting that he picked up on it. And then you guys discussed it on the date. People are very very have very strong feelings about beat what being alone means and what independence means all right. Let's get to bow your learning number chatting number two or bachelorette shelby. His name is bo. He's in his mid thirties. He's from many places but most recently in the applesauce he's been in san francisco for nine weeks single and actively going on dates a little bit about him. He got his dream job and just recently moved to the bait to the bay area. He's lived abroad for eight years. Most recently china He loves also outdoor activities and just being open and exploring a new city sunday. Take us through sunday in the morning. And you have your point five date with that. You're about to meet bow and you've seen his picture too. So what did you think of them from his photos. a little bit more my types on the look wise. Never you were excited about. But he's not blonde or a ginger skill. Okay pather vote cute so yes so sunday. Same thing we ended up like confirming and thank you was on time. I can't remember now. He was he was there before he's always and yet he seemed to not really have very much information at all because he will not. I did not show him a picture of you and no eight okay. So i didn't know that. Because i figured because matt saul pitcher that i figured that bo dead cell. He just kind of told me he was wearing now. Is like cool on the girl. Blonde curly hair. So when he saw me he was like oh because it made sense. Because i think he was nervous as like no like i have blonde curly. Ice stick out said as actually really funny because I said i was on my way. And i was like a blind date i was like. Oh i'm going to be the guy we're in. The tested. Blue jacket bight away and she says okay. I'll be the curly blond. When she arrived. I was like oh yeah. There's no mistakes in that. I mean i'm talking. Goldilocks curly blond. A fantastic head of matchel blonde hair. So i was. I completely understood. Research you walked in there was a dinner. Say he was like very nice. Very approachable wind. Grab drinks Then we sat down in the back of the bar. Went to brass tacks in hayes valley And type of thing kind of interview bar drinks type of thing I felt our conversations.

00:25:05 - 00:30:01

Were a little bit more. Just general he kind of avoided a lot of things. I was trying to get more about his job. And he didn't seem to really wanna talk about that so i didn't even find out what he did to like. The towards the end of the date when i distinctly. So what do you do. The south was we about. I love my job. I like talking about it. It's a little overwhelming for some people. You wanna tell us what you do. So our audience I'm a physical therapist. But i specialize in burn therapy so i work at the trauma. The burns center in at saint francis. So it's a lot of heavy stuff. I'm not always in that unit but kind of where my passion is Sometimes that also makes people feel uncomfortable. But i think it's something that's very unique to me and that i'm i've really take pride in right right so we talked about that but yeah we never really in the first hour so never got to likes of what. He's very surface level. Yeah but at the same time. I felt like he was trying not to like he was like. I don't wanna talk about work. Like trying to circumventing all these What did you guys talk about. Even know both things by realized she almost as any questions about me freely. Yeah like a lot of people. Ask like the requisite questions like what you do more year. But i was interested public two hours into it before. What do you do or she follow something. I'd say a while ago didn't seem to inquire about any of the things i was saying. We're adding tones it so i added a lot to urge and ask a lot of questions i if i remember correctly she did not whole lot out of muir. Ascalon out of me. Okay stalking no. That's very interesting. Because i know i tried. Because that's something that distinctly set in my mind. Because i felt like he was trying to be roundabout to have a deeper. I was getting at that. He was trying to have more of a deeper conversation. But yeah it just didn't really go anywhere. It was kind of superficial talking where there wasn't much depth to it. I guess that that's super facet me because one i know bo personally. And he's always like. I don't like to lead with what i do because first of all i have to explain what i do and then it sounds like i'm bragging when i do tell people what i do so i don't like to lead with work but i do find it interesting that he thought you didn't ask him any questions about him and you were just giving him really good responses to whatever he was talking about but didn't throw it back at him. That's it's very interesting. I feel like i. I read people pretty well but also like in my job. I try to make people feel as comfortable as they can. And i also was trying to ask him about because he'd lived abroad and there is so many. I love traveling. And so many times where i was like. So where were you living like. What were you doing and he would kind of be like. Oh well we'll get to that or like it was. It was one of those things where i just kind of felt that some of my questions got pushed off which is kind of interesting. He felt that you weren't asking. Because i don't actually liked to talk that much like i always try to do. The like they always say like make sure. It's like a fifty fifty conversation which i try to stay aware of fascinating. Thought that you guys had One thing in common. Which was you both moved to a different country for someone so he said he had moved somewhere for someone in you to australia for that guy and you guys bonded over that somehow possibly or maybe not like we did but we we covered live events even remember. Remember your first impression of oh when you met him. Yeah like right off the bat. I knew he was not my type. Why why why. I can't put my finger on it. But i just i felt. He felt like he was kind of all over. The place First impression. I guess just i don't know i it. It just didn't click for me like i was like. He seems nice but there wasn't like it wasn't any physical attraction. There really wasn't anything that was like like if he came up to me at a by with blake. Say hi like top for the display. Like okay. I don't know but what i wonder what it was. Because what bowe said whoa ministries. A funny thing happened to describe. It's something that you just. You have an attraction to someone or you don't.

00:30:02 - 00:35:00

i didn't get any of those signals. From earner body winston soon without because. That's something that i've tried to pay attention to. How how they face other hands on their legs away from your a towards your are the open biden position speaking to you but when you meet somebody on a blind date it's great to have the initial Contact in meet somebody because no matter what little text senior haven't back and forth there. I'll finding that prison texts if you meet each other. You don't have any chemistry chemistry. That's okay so wasn't hurt. Because i was kind of feeling the same thing all right. He's correct okay. All right so happened. So you guys are brass tacks having this conversation but not nearly action but i know you guys went to a second location. Why was that. It's time to take a quick break so we can tell you about. Our current sponsor. Lola lola is a female founded company offering a line of organic cotton. Tampons pads and liners and now they offer sex product soup. It was super easy to get the sex by little align delivered right to my door and you know how many condoms promised to be ultra thin and lubricated. Well these items definitely lived up to its promise and the best part for every purchase. Lola donates feminine care products to homeless shelters across the us. Choose your mix of products number boxes. And frequency of delivery can also change skip. Were canceling your subscription at anytime. The sex by lola line is available for purchase or you can add to your subscription so everything is convenient delivered on your ideal schedule now. Here's an exclusive offer for dateable listeners. Get forty percent off. All subscriptions just visit my lola dot com and enter the code. Dateable when you subscribe that spelled d. a. t. e. a. b. l. e. now back to the show but i know you guys went to a second location. Why was that. I was trying to keep an open mind. I was trying to keep an open mind red flag. He's only lived here for nine weeks. That was something that kind of put me off. Not that that's a totally bad thing. But i i. I've lived here for seven years. I kind of want someone that also has roots here. More is planning on a lot of people come here and leave a lot of people come for a little while and go or were just seemed like he's just on a different wavelength especially cut. He has lived like in so many different countries too. It's not like that plus just being your nine weeks like family. Here's how committed. Is he to san francisco and not think just an overall kind of yellow flag for say. Is that men. They're like. I just moved here. It's just like. I don't wanna be your tour guide. I get okay fair. Enough fair enough Okay so you guys go to a restaurant though. Okay tell he was hungry and i my friends all work at rush on. That was right next door. It was slow so we went there and it was. It was fun like he seems like a great guy to like hang out with. I don't see any type of relationship but like a friendship. He was really nice. He is very interesting. But the one thing is i do feel like he was kind of all over the place In that could be from like be new and like living in different countries. But i kinda clint. I was trying to get like a chronological order out of his kind of past. And i just. I could knock piece things together and i was actually kinda surprised. Key books young i after talking to him for a while. I thought he was almost younger than me. And it's actually. He's older than i thought Which i thought was interesting as well. Okay that's good feedback for boas while sit just so everyone has a little background. What does so. He's not like a mystery man. he is a he's in the entertainment industry he host for a show called the cash show which is a live streaming trivia game show and the company. I work for now. Hired him as a fulltime house which is sort of his like dream job and he gave up his life in minneapolis and the traveling abroad living abroad to come to san francisco and commit to this job so it's really his passion to be here and he wants to make it work spent. I think it's disappointing that that passion didn't come through on the date because it's almost like he was he didn't wanna talk about it. Yeah it was interesting. And i mentioned this when i was talking to some of my friends after and i was like. I couldn't even figure out what he did to like. The end of the date when i had to point blake like so what do you do. Are you going to tell me what you do. I remember having to save athlete.

00:35:00 - 00:40:00

Timmy and i get like most people don't know about where y'all light you but if you just keep avoiding it that it almost like raises more red fly ash what is going on like just addressed it right away and was like change the subject. I think maybe it would have sat. Yeah i can totally relate to bow on this. Because what i do and my past. It's like so it's too convoluted for me to explain on a first date. So i tend to just go the simple route like. Oh i live in san francisco. And i worked for a company like that's i say and then i can see how that would come off as like you know. Just kinda like you're. You're waiting questions but bo is like fluent in mandarin. Chinese has amazing language skills and he has a very interesting past. But you didn't get to see any of that because you're just like why is he avoiding like collection like she's not executed the crazy part. Okay from what. What did you like about some of the things that you liked about him. he's definitely a gentleman. He was easy to talk to but like like there was no awkward silences which was kind of interesting because i'll just compare because like with matt. There is awkward silences. But i felt like overall depth of the conversations were stronger whereas with bo like we talked. We talked the whole time. Talked obviously can't remember anything that we talk about. When you say depth with that mean where did how deep did you go with matt more. I guess more. Just unlike relatable things. I think bernie man was a really big factor and like our experiences there because that is such a special connection that you just have with people advani moment. Yeah i guess those bonnie moments translated into In-depth moments where you felt like you're getting to know someone on a deeper level think this is actually good learning because both felt like you guys had some points of commonality that could have been taken to the next level for example injuries. You had your injury. He had his hand injury and that what he mentioned that was the point of commonality. Or maybe you guys didn't take that conversation to the next level and maybe it was just more like you broke. Something i was trying to say was like you know when i had my hand injury when i broke my hand. It really made me realize how much i appreciated my mobility. Just getting around and you had the same sort of feeling. Yeah but then. I guess this conversation just ended up that much further out. Okay okay on a scale of one to ten ten being busted best date of your life and one frigging nightmare. You wanna leave within the first five minutes. How would you rate this state like a four. Okay that's a bad so only two. Oh god only review by rating relative to not say oh. I should put more gap between already committed to six for nat. So go all that. Sounds like a five or matt up to seven matt up to will put a three okay. That's good. that's a good compromise. And if he asked you out what would you say no elsa set the same. Yeah yeah he say this. I would you would you her out again. I to thank ju-. However if i to see her again if he grew very friendly and at one she is she spending. Now what's going on. But that's one of the great things about women in san francisco though. See liking indianapolis your choices. Updates are so few and far between you can really get up on. Somebody's willing go out with me. that's fantastic. They seem reasonable enough. And these it does work on all my gas. Wait like three more months to find somebody who here san francisco. Hey that's okay but you like a really interesting nice zero on fire on a skin one to ten ten being the best day of your life. What would you rate the state I read the state as a k. Of very fast ways than a hundred and ten dollars the date of course so he said a couple he said there were four red flags and old Let him speak for himself. So how about twelve minutes into. We're talking about like how this happened. How did you set up with this blind date. And i described my story of. No you work with you and you looking for somebody to do this and similar storm but she she said like oh you know so. I just figured i'd do favor for a friend. I was like okay. Notify flavor i. I don't know that was taken out of context. Or i think that was. I think i said that.

00:40:00 - 00:45:00

I've i've known them from the show and we've been friends or like i know them through friends. I didn't want to say. I wrote in and i wanted them to set me up on a blind date but i tried to make it not. I don't i do not think that favor he said right off the bat when you said something along the lines of that he was like oh okay. I guess she's not really into this. Okay and then the second red flag he's saab. Was you said you moved to australia for an australian man and he said. Australians are kind of known as a rugby player. Type of men's men type of guys if he's type you know I'm much more like the way i like to dress. Like street-smart were jacket. I do not sit in a bar like a sports bar and standing with the tv there was like the watching a game on interacting. Talk with people as hard upbringing. So you go of man. We actually work with a lot of australians on our show. he's like. I know i'm not that type of guy so i already knew him. Start playing the is all austrians. The same loudly cheryl cans are the same general. A what would you would be your response to. That will kind of same thing. Not all australia are have the same and i mean when you get out. I say a lot of people's experience. Australians is when they're often traveling and having a good time. But i mean we're obnoxious. Americans go toronto when we're out doing travelling and things like that so as someone who's lived in australia and had like a very deep connection with someone. I don't think that should be a red flag number. Three he said were sitting. We go to another restaurant and she had a friend who was working in a friend came over. This is my friend. Paul so i are just not blind date not set up not date or anything just like very clearly this my firm i mean i i would have done the same thing to map. I would have done the same thing to any guy on my first date web. I'd blind i label on it right. Yeah i mean i guess they could have done that. I really didn't even think about it. Got it and then red flag number four for him was when you guys said goodbye. Apparently you gave him A hug without i contact and just pretty much walked away. That was when we're leaving paint. Thanks so much. Good night beyond nice time and You know very plight. Hoglund zero contacts be termed is in walked. I was like okay. Do you give i contact while you're giving us. Can you tell me. Maybe the hug breaks. I don't know. I think i don't know i gave him a hug. That's true i do consider all these things overthinking. But that's that's my opinion right. I don't know how would leave at. I think we both knew that it wasn't going to go anywhere. So i'm not sure what more he would have wanted Okay okay all right. So what did we learn from be sudan. What is so there. Couple things i want to talk about. I just love this as you. Just don't know the impression you're giving off on a date taking a date to the next level of having a deeper connection doesn't necessarily mean asking more questions but it means showing more sides of who you are. And i think you and matt sort of lucked out because you had the opportunity to crash this party and in fact he was very impressed that you were that girl that was able to and wanted to crash also did say he suggested a walk. Few likes to get out of that. take back control and changing the environment. So it's not like your typical date like you said at a bar but if you if your date with matt just stopped at the bar i have. I have thought about that and would that have been in. I talked it out with friends and it would have been at the time of day. Were no flags he was nice potentially would go on a second date but probably won't go out of my way for all my god. How times have we been on these same gazillion. We hear all the time you go on a good enough date.

00:45:00 - 00:50:02

Like i go on a second date when those nothing memorable and what made it memorable was he suggested something that got you out of the a normal environment and then you suggested something that put both of you. Sorta like in a very spontaneous situation. But i think some of it's just time also because if you would just jumped into the hayes valley like outdoor with the party that would have also been wouldn't have gotten to right. It's like you just have to expect that. Maybe the beginning is going to have a little bit of the bumps and if you are interested in someone it's worth kind of trying to see how much you can push it. Yeah and what. I glean from your date with bow. Is that one. I think he's would does make bo. A refreshing for me is that he's obviously not used to date talk in the normal thinks a dog about on. I didn't mention that this was the first flight date. He's been on and he asked me. He did. Ask me if it gets exhausting. Didi like do just go through the same conversation as the same thing and again like sometimes it just seems that way And i mean. I agreed with him and i said you kind of just have to try to make it more creative and i've been from the show i've also taken when i go out on dates like what do i want to restaurants. Do i wanna go to. Or what event do i want to go to and just try to bring that person into that. Instead of just having the typical lake drinks. I think so like at the end i know people give like oh the. What do you do for work like that. A bad rapid at the end of the day. You're trying to get to know someone in most of us. Not everyone is spending a good part of our waking life at work. That is a part of who you are so yet might seem like small talk but at the end of the day like you kinda need to have some small talk. It's a combination of like getting the facts out but then also just like hanging out like you would with a friend and just having like more replaceable conversation other conversations to but what does make the situation difference that you guys didn't meet online. You knew nothing about him and he skipped right to. let's skip. The small small talk was very necessary. I mean it's hard to go really deep without having any baseline. What did you learn about yourself after these days. What are some takeaways shelby ways. Well he picked bo picked up right away was the date so maybe that i'm not that good at hiding emotions. This is what i learned about. You shot me. Which is i think. You're almost too easygoing. And it makes you forgettable because when we talk to matt we said oh for the weekend half. You're going to be gone did you think about. Are you going to contact shelby cycle. I didn't think about that. I assume that. I may contact her. When i get back but i told her i was busy so it wasn't like he was gonna make an extra effort because i think you are so easy going in chill about it like contact. You're not being late or not show up or not and maybe sometimes you just need to set a little bit more of like a not strict but the more like this is what i would prefer here my preferences. If you're gone for we can have. I appreciate maybe a tax here there or maybe even like i just love it. Yeah i i will. Yeah i had a volley your on me while you're yes. Yes because you hear this in san francisco at the time because people are always traveling they meet there's great connection and then someone's gone for a week and nothing happens after that it just fizzles think a lot of times in dating is that we set ourselves up for disappointment. We just assume that the other person will reach out or we assume that after they go away for a while we might hear from them. But then you then you refer back. I thought we had a really good connection. Does something happen while this. You know like whiz. The connection not real in your case with matt and we know from both of your sides connection was there. That's real. We really rarely get this feedback on dates but i guy we can validate your connection was real so i would hate to see this connection not being explored more. I feel ilias with him. I feel pretty confident that i will hear from him. I genuinely feel like he will. But also i am not totally against just like. Hey hope you're like having a good trip right like yeah yeah. It may be used. Throw another text when he comes back. Then that's that obviously gonna keep tech trivia dot com. Don't like. I don't know. I guess it's more dislike having a bit of someone else's situation more i get i get it. I think it's good to have a difference with menu. Because i do feel like no matter how busy you are no matter how caught up with life. Yeah if you are into someone you make time method for them even if just a simple tax like.

00:50:03 - 00:55:06

I'm really busy but so good to hear from you done that. Takes five second. Green takes two minutes to take a shit. It takes five seconds to send a text message is not that fucking hard. I agree i agree. That's awesome i'm very. I feel very strong about this. But i think let's get back to shelby and like why you think why. We think that these states aren't going. You know to the next level and i. It sounds like you're like you said you're really great data. You're really good at the date talk. But maybe it's just finding ways to take that to a more in depth conversation and maybe just like what happened with matt again. I think like timing wise it happened. It like perfect for you guys to be a message. That i like bernie manina like perfect situation. Yeah burning man. The party being spontaneous and dancing and making out bam. That happened really well. But if let's say you and matt don't work out with other dates what are some ways. You can also take that like bar date conversation to another level. It's actually interesting. I went on a date a couple of weeks ago as well and it would really while we dinner. But i noticed we both start opening up more weirdest walking down mission and he didn't know the neighborhood as well and we were just walking and talking and i think that really kind of i think maybe like just moving ads like your body going and just like when you're just sitting and stagnant and looking at the same thing or like there's just not a lot of like at some bars there's lots of stimulus but it's kind of like you just need to change your environment I think what's really great about your conversation with matt. Santa like you guys bonded over a lot of like similar interests which is actually one of the reasons that we set you up with him. I wanted think sasha silverberg who's maker that help do this. That was part of the reason because a lot of stuff will you said. You had a lot of those shared interests but the reality is probably like five days down the road. If you're still talking about burning man that's gonna get boring. I think it's great to start that way. But it's like audi build on it so it becomes more about like you as a person you being vulnerable with what you're looking for with him. Having that bond together post just like oh like listening to music going into burning manley in. I think we'll we can learn from this all of us that when we have these date ish conversations is to find opportunities to ask more of like the next questions versus like do where you live. Where what did you do. This won't what do you like to do. It's more like why. And i think like what One of the themes that i'm hearing from this is like the idea of passion and you're very passionate about your job and you and matt were both very passionate about burning man and i think that was a source of connection but i think with bo there were points of connection that could have connected you to based on passion but he did not show it to you. Yeah so therefore there was no opportunity for that. And i think that's what makes a conversation. More deep is when you bond over the passion of something not so much. What that thing is. It doesn't matter. Did you talk about work with matt. Yes no we did. We did because we talked about his filmmaking and the i told him what i did did you really get passionate about or was it more dislike this do i usually i mean it's it's a lot of explaining you have to explain because people don't totally understand it because it's such a small specialty so i definitely went in depth with that and he would in-depth like different projects that he was dean. It's exhausting but he loves it he thrives off it things like that but let's see okay so that's interesting because you got that from him but neither he were bo. Got that from you. The neither of them talked about your work at all and feels like that's so much of who you are shaped so much of who you are and for some reason neither of those two it actually reading between the lines smith matt i think maybe his i get not red flags but concerns was like is she does she like super passionate activities so i think showing that actually could be selling point in like just not even selling point just like oh we have this even for passionate about the same things but we like are doing this type of stuff in our lives like showing more deaths i think would actually be something that would really go a long way. It sounds like you want a deeper connection and these guys definitely want that with you but what. You're showing them one with just the way our society is. You have curly blond hair that already signals at your fun and lighthearted and you're easy going and just a cool chick right but i think what's going to get you to.

00:55:06 - 00:59:41

The next level is showing more signs of who you are. You need to tell people fleischer so passionate about the work that you do. And i think people need to see that and know that you're more than just a curly haired blonde beautiful girl who is easy to get along with. And a great conversationalist has to be beyond that. I love it. I love it. This is why we talk about this forever. But i think you know it's like you already got the first set. That's always so hard for people which is usually got the first step of meeting people. You have no problems talking to people talking to strangers. I'm sure you're fine with that. But it's just showing the other side of you that would are you really passionate about. What is shelby really about. We can't wait to hear about what happens matt when he gets back in about a week and a half we'll do another update a check in then i. Yeah this is a really fascinating conversation. I just i just love getting the two sides of the story to because you walk away from one thing but that out here another thing. Like if i had known i would have done something differently. But then there's also some really nice if that date like you and matt had that you vote just kinda out and you're like we're gonna do this again. Yeah no this is a had. I i mean i was surprised because i said the first in the bar was i was just like oh this is fine and then i walked away with like really cool. School would help you with that. I mean that's their takeaway miley like you said like you kind of took your friends to like get you out of just like what a men's i in my head like a. Hey we're on a date together. How is this going not just. This isn't just about me. Yeah yeah great takeaways okay. Let's wrap this up before we talk about a whole other topic. Hey do you want to be set up on a blind date. We love this shit. Let's say the only caveat is you have to come to And talk about the talk about your date on the show in a very honest way. But that's okay. I think that's what makes us grow as people. And that's what makes his date better and smarter which whole motto of dateable. Okay on that note. We're gonna just say our goodbyes. Thank you shall be doing this. We're going to do another update in lika week and a half or two months or whatever it may be but we will. We love to know what what happens with you and follow hugo later as well thank you again shelby. Thank you matt. Thank you both for Going on dates with shelby. And also telling us your honest feedback and just be like chill about it. You know like thanks for doing this. So the rose went regiment. I hope If you like to be set up with bo available very rarely very wurley he does great impersonations of all different sorts of things and people. So he's he's really good at and he speaks fluent mandarin really impressive. Okay on that nope say eight of all your action item for this week is to take inventory of how your dates usually go. Do you go on consistent. Good enough dates but nothing to stand out or memorable to your conversations flow but don't exactly go deep decide on the one thing you can improve upon and try it out on your next date. Maybe it's just simply asking follow up questions such as why if you didn't know already. We have a revamped website with articles videos and content all about modern dating. You can also find our premium y series where we dissect analyze and offer solutions to some of the most common dating conundrums. We've had some great feedback. About how actionable these episodes are. So check them out on our website or i tunes music also visit the site today to see the latest about coaching where we connect you with. Dateable approved experts to help with everything from dating profile reviews coaching and even gathering real feedback about your dating style in a personalized and affordable way to connect with us visit dateable. Podcasts dot com. You can also find us on facebook twitter and instagram. All under dateable podcasts. Don't forget to subscribe an auto download the podcast on itunes. Or your favorite podcast player. So you never miss an episode.