S7E11: Do nice guys finish last? with Tripp Kramer of Tripp Advice

Dateable Podcast
September 25, 2018
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September 25, 2018

S7E11: Do nice guys finish last? with Tripp Kramer of Tripp Advice

We discuss why being nice isn’t enough to spark attraction, how to break out of this mentality to lead with masculinity, and some tips on how to talk to girls.

Do nice guys finish last? with Tripp Kramer of Tripp Advice

Tripp from Tripp Advice and the "How To Talk to Girls" podcast talks to us about the “nice guy” syndrome and how to confidently meet and attract women. We discuss why being nice isn’t enough to spark attraction, how to break out of this mentality to lead with masculinity, and some tips on how to talk to girls.

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Episode Transcript

S7E11 Do nice guys finish last with Tripp Kramer of Tripp Advice

00:00:00 - 00:05:05

The Dateable podcast is an insider's look into modern dating that the Huffington post calls one of the top ten podcast about love and sex. On each episode, we'll talk to real daters about. From sex parties to sex droughts, date fails a diaper fetishes and first moves to first loves. I'm your host Yue Xu, former dating coach turned dating sociologists. You also hear from my co host and producer Julie Krafchick as we explored this crazy dateable world.

This episode of dateable is brought to you by five hundred brunches. Five hundred branches connects like minded people with similar interests to meet in real life over brunch. You answer a questionnaire about your interest and how you spend your time. And then they'll match you. In small groups of sixty eight at a brunch spot. In san francisco get a free entry into a brench now by signing up at five hundred brunches dot com and using the code date able. Hey everyone welcome to another episode of dateable a show all about modern dating. Here's a topic that we get written in about all the time which is idea of the nice guy and people always say nice guys finish. Last we hear the stories from nice guys writing in saying such nice guy. Why does she like me. I'm such a nice guy. Why do i get the girls that that. I'm attracted to well today. We're gonna get to the bottom of this. We have a expert with us. You will his name is trip. Kramer he is the internationally known dating coach founder of ice immense dating advice company is also the creator of the popular youtube channel trip vice which teaches men how to become more attractive to women and host of his own. Weekly podcast entitled. How talk to girls trip currently resides in chicago. He's thirty three years old and he's also single an actively going on dates hatred. How are you is supposed to say former nice guy. Even though you don't know that the former friend zoned nice guy and shy shy. Oh i had the truck factor. He's and i'm just thrown into the zone left and right so i'm happy to be here and you've and you've learned how to confidently meet in attract women and not only that but also to teach your learnings two other men who are in the same boat which i think. A lot of men signed very relatable. So let's first define what a nice guy as trip. I want to hear from you. What do you think a nice guy is so the nice guy is an interesting term. i don't i don't literally think of the nice guy is a is nice in. He's he's more of a people pleaser. He's more manipulative. He's trying to be nice act nice so he doesn't get rejected and so he doesn't feel shame when he's talking to certain people so really. I think the nice guys kinda dick because he is not being very honest and very true. And that's why i said a second ago that he's kinda manipulative so that nice sky is doing anything he can to make sure that he doesn't cause a scene and make sure that people don't judge him for anything and of course you know with that you're going to be very accommodating which comes off as very nice but the problem with that is not very polarizing. It's not very interesting. it's very boring. Therefore a nice guys usually end up getting thrown into the zone or just don't into building attraction with a girl altogether i would also i totally agree and i think i would add onto that. The term nice guy has almost become a derogatory term. He's awesome nice guy and that's not a good thing. It's not a compliment. So according to urban dictionary the nice guy is not to be confused with a nice guy that is a male who is nice when used as a of adjective nice guys refers to people who believe basic social expectations are currency for sex. So i think there is a little bit of a tit for tat mentality with nice guys where they're like. Why do these nice things for you. I i deserve this. And i'm entitled to something back if i don't get it back. I have all this resentment built up against you. Yeah totally and you know. I think one of the problems is is that nice guys are learning attraction from From their parents from from media tv movies. And it's not really. It's not their fault. This is just what they see. They see movies. Were you know the nice guy finishes last the guy who's Good guy really. Nice guy the way that they're trying to get the girl but does not real life and maybe they see their parents. Their dads is being like he's just being a really good guys getting his mom flowers. Maybe you're just being really nice around the house and it just like. Oh that's how attraction words will it's a little bit different when you're in the relationship already and of course just when it comes to media it's completely false so i think this is what guys are are.

00:05:05 - 00:10:07

This is how they're learning to attract women is just being that nice guy. And of course i think just inherently humans. You know i think the default is we. Try to be nice in polite for the most part you know. We don't want to be mean step on toes. We assume oh there is a girl we like. Being nice feels good. We like when people are are nice to us. Just gonna be very pleasant around her and in hope for the best and hope that she she likes me and you know it sometimes. It works but a lot of the times. It doesn't especially if you're a guy who is very shy and isn't confident because you need at least something there to be able to spark that attraction. You said it was just like something. Julian i have talked about too is being nice. Should be a basic human quality that everyone has in if your leading quality. There's something wrong because missing something missing. You have no other qualities that make you stand out from the rest other than just being a basic nice person. So i guess. How do you diagnosis. If you are a nice guy or nice guy as well then so it's a good question nos it. Well i mean it's it's more like what's what's happening in the find that if a guy's listening to this podcast right now and he's not getting anywhere with women and the way we have described him. So far is like oh. That's kind of what i'm doing. If he even is talking to girls so v is any realizes yet and being like really polite all the time and really really just like a reliable. That's another one. That's kind of a big trade of the nice guy very agreeable like you know. She says she likes edge sheer on and you think he's okay or you don't really like him but you're like oh yeah to think of some music songs that he's played and you like yours agreeing that and and you're doing things for her like you're dislike going out of your way to do favors for her and she never even asked you and i wanna add this into also is that. Here's the big problem. Okay the problem is is guys are thinking. Oh like the nice guy doesn't get the girl within you gotta go the opposite. That would seem intuitively. You're like yes okay. Nice doesn't work so ask a work up. But that's not really what's going on here is nothing to you. Guys mentioned this briefly isn't about whether you're being nice or an asshole or mean or whatever it's just about how the nice guys just a label for the actions that you're doing in terms of being agreeable in coming off like that so it's not about. Oh i gotta be a dick to this girl. You don't have to be a dick mean but you do have to be somewhat polarizing a really good point. Yeah because i think like the end of the day women to hope most women don't think for all don't want an asshole they do want a nice kind person. is women. broken one assholes. They don't want some they can walk all over or that doesn't have respect for themselves right right exactly. I feel like you have to stand out in someone's mind and being a nice guy doesn't make you stand out you're kind of just there. You're kind of like you know. I can always rely on this guy to be there for me or we can always hang out or he's not gonna offend me but he's not he's never going to be top of mind for me but gun is going to be top of mind for me. Remembers something unique about me and act upon it or actually mix a move or show some sort of initiative but the nice guy never shows initiative. He's hovering always just waiting for the chance to have something happen. But he's not the one taking initiative. Yeah i liked Reactive versus proactive. Letting her take the lead you know. And he just kinda stands back. Sit back in. Just reacts to whatever's on in the conversation or this pseudo friendship that's going on you know so so as a former nice guy yourself. How did you get out of this trap will. I was awareness. Like oh wow look you had. This is what's going on you know. I've always been this very agreeable accommodating low opinionated easygoing pushover kinda guy you know just kind of letting in denton get manual. And then i learned about the nice guy you know. It's not something that. I came up with this turpin in society and i learned about. I learned that it's not what women are looking for. You know they want someone who's more in control. More assertive more dominant. Nice guys are not dominant at all. They're very passive very beta. So i really learned too. It's not about learning to not be nice. It's more just about. Let's learn those alpha male type qualities that women are attracted to 'cause i like what you said earlier like i think niceness is a commodity right.

00:10:07 - 00:15:04

It's like it's a lot of nice people out there even though you sometimes you hear women complain like all the nice guys. There's plenty of nice guys out there. They're just not the right ones and a lot of those nice guys guys. Listen our podcast being assertive enough to go and approach right. So they're not meeting. But there's plenty niceness easy that's like that's like default like of course you're going to do is no one says You shouldn't sale to be with. Someone is a doll. You on some nice Yes yes it shouldn't even be a quality that you're looking for. It should just be so anyways. What i learned to do is learn to stem stepped more into some of those masculine qualities. So i learned when i'm talking to a girl for the first time is to flirt more to be playful to tease a little bit to say something that might be on my mind that in the past i might filter insane. No no no. Don't say that and just say it anyways. Sometimes it gets you into trouble but sometimes it doesn't end so you've gotta take those risks and i'm not saying Being it's not about being mean to her or making fun of her but just being more playful in the conversation and not being so scared if you say something that's different from her that's disagreeing something that she says so it's i learned to kind of tap into that and that took a lot of practice and that was a lot of hard and also what happens is this is not just about how you're acting around women. This is an everyday thing absolutely. Yeah there's a nice guy right now. Who's labeled the nice guy and he's always shit. This is me. He's probably doing this with everyone with his family. Co workers with his friends with his colleagues. Whatever you know it's a this. Is this guy in a nutshell. So it's it's about really kind of flipping the mentality stepping more into your dominant. Hey i'm cool with who i am and if you don't like it piece kind of mentality and bringing that into all areas of your life i think a lot of guys turn into the nice guy because they're not really confident in themselves they think of this show the real them. They're going to get rejected so so they filter that out and they put on this other facade which is then what we're calling the nice guy. That's so interesting. Because i've definitely dated a few nights guys where they're kind of like okay. What do you want for dinner. And i would say something like that. Sounds great but i've never. I've always wanted a little something more which is give me your opinion. Even if it's it's not what i want. I still want hear what you want in a lot of times. Nice guys don't have a solidified identity for me to respect really they. They're just there to tag along and sometimes it's good to have an opinion even if it's an opposing opinion because at least it shows that you are a solidified identity. Yeah i like that. You also i want to add in. I think that you like one of the biggest complaints. It's so funny sometimes. It's so easy to be an attractive guy. One of the biggest complaints i hear from women is just the whole process of setting up. The first date is sometimes very frustrating for women. They can attest to this. It's like the guy just doesn't make it happen like he's like. Yeah like you guys go we. Would you like to eater or a pick a place. But he won't pick the time or he'll pick a time but not the place or she says she just sitting there. Waiting women want to be led. Okay they want to lead in wannabe lead. In the conversation there i met they wanna be led to the first day when we led to the first kiss they want to be led to sacks one who's proposed to not because i try to tell guys like guys are like what why. Why don't we do all the work and women's suck and all this of the no. No no it's not that they're lazy. It's not that they're They think they're better so the ban acid everything they just. They need the display of masculinity. This is what triggers the attraction and so one of those qualities is leading dominance. And that just happens to be okay. What you're gonna be at the one who has to make the first moves. Just like the woman has her femininity that she has to display when she's around a guy right so everyone's doing their part they're a little bit different than the guys understand that you need to take control being the lead in. Sometimes it just like. It's very easy. It's a lot easier than than they think right. Just okay. you got a girl who's interested. You met her out the bar. You met her on tinder. Wherever just take place. The time pick dates. Set it up boom. Tell her where to go. what to do. And she'll go does choose. Never interested i. Does you did the right thing. A hundred percent agree. Because i think that's where so many men can get like a light up because it's like women just do appreciate someone that kinda takes action.

00:15:04 - 00:20:04

I think what i've seen with. Some supposing nice skies is. They almost like don't they feel like they're like bugging the woman or like they don't want to like make a move because they feel like it's like invading their personal stays there almost like so concerned about not come back to strong they don't come off at all. How would you like. What advice would you give to them. Yeah i mean i just. That's a really good point. Really good point. I just think guys are just not understanding how this all works. you know. it's it's they. It's they're they're can what you're saying that they're very conditioned conditioned from the moment we are who we entered preschool at least in america we are conditioned to sit and be quiet and react and if we have something to say. We need to raise their hands. We're not in control. Okay here's your test. Your taxes on friday. Take the test. Don't get the good grade you're going to fail. Get the good grade will allow you go to the next grade. It's just like you. Are your parents telling you what to do. So your inner very reactive state your whole life until eighteen. And then you're like wait a minute. Now i gotta totally do this. Opposite thing where it's shorting myself into situations it feels very unnatural is very natural especially for a guy who who who did grow up shy maybe not so popular maybe had some insecurities are shame around his childhood right. It's like it's it's. It's very difficult to just auden like all. Wait it's counterintuitive. You know. I gotta be is certain guy. But isn't that too much. Doesn't that bother people and women and no one wants people in their face and when you know when we're on the subway in an uber pool it's like don't talk to the person next to keep yourself hands to yourself. You know what i mean. So i guess really. It starts with the awareness. If you're listening to the words that were were all saying here on the podcast understand. That's not how it is when it comes to attraction and start to slowly assert yourself in the situations because of women want it. I mean you guys. Should you say it. You know on the guy you tell you. Tell me is like is this what you want. You want the guy to assert himself i would. I would challenge this notion a little bit. Just because gender roles are changing in modern dating and we also julian. I live in san francisco. So i don't hear this as much any more from women but what i do hear from women is i need a guy who's open to communicating his needs to me so instead of being like the guy needs to take the lead on dates in all that. That's that's you know to each his own. Some people some people do like that. Some people don't need that. But what i do here. Women need or guy to say you know what i prefer to be communicated in this way. How do you prefer to be communicated. I preferred to plan dates in this way. How do you prefer for dates to be. It's a it's about open communication but the problem with nice guys. They just kind of wait for the woman to tell him what to do. And dictate what to do and for the woman. It's like okay. I'm don leading this relationship or leading where this is going. So then the nice guy becomes friend zoned. That's where the problem is. Is that that lack of communication about your own needs. Do personally like what a guys just like. I like you. This is where we're going like. Is i think can be very attractive. I agree not every woman needs all of that. So it's sometimes if that isn't your Perspective than maybe just need to find someone. That doesn't need that as much as others. But i do agree with what you said you a. It's like that lack of anything is a biggest. You're switzerland people. Forget about you you just have. You have to have an opinion. You have to be a person in my mind if i if i if someone were like. Oh describe your friend. Mike to me. I don't want to lead with a. Mike is a nice guy i want to say. Oh mike really likes running and he. He's very passionate about family. I want to with something else other than he's just a nice guy but i think back to a trip was saying i mean i don't think that's like it's never going to like hurt if the woman's Like hearing someone that's like vocal about how they feel about you in making those plans like it's only going to give you more of a leg up in the game. I think another thing too. Is you know we we can talk about the gender roles a second got it just. It got really confusing confusing. It's not this isn't about equality it's not like the man kicks the place to go because he's greater than the woman you know what i'm like. Yes men and women are equal like you know across the board. This isn't about who's better. Who's worse who's capable. Who's not capable it just talking about what.

00:20:04 - 00:25:01

What actually sparks attraction. you know. you're not gonna not gonna boss her around. You know what i'm saying right. He's not going to be like if she's like it for example. If you're like hey great. Pasta place know called. Whatever the morio's let's go there eight pm great spot and she responded she's like a matchy would be really in the mood for sushi not gonna say no woman were going. We're going it's like okay. Wait a minute that's now. You're just being the fine line is it's like yeah okay cool. She said sushi will deliver sushi. If you don't you might wanna retort back. Don't be nice guy and say okay. We'll do sushi even though you hate it. Yeah it actually. I'm not a big fan of sushi. Or what else do you like. Maybe we can come. We can agree on something else or if you do like sushi and she said it you can say perfect love sushi. I know a great spot and then instead of asking her where to go you my mom that it's just what you said earlier. It's like when it goes to die when it's like what do you wanna do. What do you wanna do or like. There's no rhyme or anything the woman's wondering if like there's actually a date that that's even happening and i think it's actually the reverse to if like a woman was just like. Yep sheriff like good sounds good. I think that would also kinda put her in that territory. That would probably get old fast as well. You don't women love you. Know what in what masculine quality women laws. They love decisiveness. That's that's what's on. The love guy is decisive. You know because that says that he can be a protector provider which is primal things that women are attracted to. you know. it's like he can be the guy who's going to be able to raise the children. I know it seems crazy. Guys listening to like so. Picking dinner is gonna say the woman that you're able to like raise children's nothing that on a very logical level but it's the character traits laying. It's like if you're wishy washy and where to go to frigging deal like how's it going to be when we're making really difficult decisions together like she needs someone they're going to be like. Let's do this. This is what we're gonna do and make smart decisions so it all starts from the moment you go over and approacher and say hello. So there's this other breed of nice guy that i've run into that love to get your thoughts on it's like they're passive in some ways but not necessarily a meeting all the time but it's almost like i'm a nice guy so i should be with a really hot girl. I should be with a pretty girl in. I'm not finding a girl. It's almost like sense of entitlement. Have you seen this with any men. At how would you guide them through that. It's time to take a quick break so we can tell you about our current sponsor care of a monthly subscription vitamin service that delivers completely personalized vitamin and supplement packs. Right to your door with julian. I took online quiz which was actually really fun. And it was quick and informative. We found out exactly which vitamins we need to get our energy levels up just like ninety percent of all people. We were falling short of our fda recommended guidelines for at least one vitamin or nutrient. The quiz was a fast way to see what was missing to get us back on track and meet our personal health goals. We both have been consistently taking your vitamins and feels much more energized. In a lot less lethargic we love tracking our progress with the care of app and earn rewards. We remember to take our vitamins care of has made taking vitamins so fun. I thought i would say that. Listen up dateable listeners. Only you get twenty five percent off your first month of personalized care of vitamins by visiting take care of dot com and enter the code dateable and your subscription box can be easily modified at anytime that is take care of dot com and enter the code. Dateable now back to the show. It's almost like. I'm a nice guy. So i should be with a really hot girl. I should be with like a pretty girl in. I'm not finding a girl. It's like almost this sense of entitlement. Have you seen this with any men. And how would you guide them through that. Yeah i see a little bit. Like i might youtube channel. I see a lot of the comments. So i see people who say that kind of thing and you know what i'd tell them again. You know. repeat myself as well sorry man. That's not the way it works. You know what i mean. It's like it's not. It's just not how attraction work so you can sit here and complain all day in in so you deserve that. I consider and say we'll. I deserve six pack because because you know i'm a good guy I i. I work hard and it's like that has nothing to do with that. You know you want six pack. You gotta eat right and go to the gym and make it happen. Those are just the rules of the six pack. The rules of attraction. This is just how it works. So yeah i mean those guys who are entitled. Also i should say allow those guys who are entitled to that. They're not the guys. Were listening to these podcasts.

00:25:01 - 00:30:09

Because they feel so entitled. They're not very true. Not trying to get help settle. Is they feel they don't they. Don't need it you know so. It's rare that i come into contact but those people do exist. And then i'd say okay. We'll good luck. you know. Just not how it's going to work for you. Entitlements doesn't mean a doesn't mean you deserve it. I that like it's like no other area life just by being a good person gives you everything. So yeah sorry. I live in is just world living like this. You know this is life being nice. It's yeah it does go far in some ways but you need more than that you know. We had a guest previous guests on our show. Madison perry who said there's a difference between being nice and being kind and to me. I feel like being nice. Sometimes it's like you're you're forcing yourself. Okay i know you don't like this person but be nice okay. It like we've also that to a friend. Just just be nice. It's like you can force yourself into this state but being kind comes from the heart and it's a state of always being kind and there's a huge difference between between oem just being nice. Because i'm hoping to get some reaction back or some behavior back versus being kind where you're just generous with your heart yet. Is giving out that kindness without expecting anything reciprocating. Yep so that's a good segue to some takeaways. But also would you say are some of your takeaways from this conversation you i i you know. I think it's a we're not saying nice guy stopped being nice trips at the very beginning. Girls don't like douchebag either although nice guys will always say like oh of course they like the jerks and of course they like the douche bags. No that's not the case we don't like that either. It's just that niceness isn't a leading quality for anybody. Niceness should be a basic quality. Everyone should be nice. If that's your leading quality than you should look for other qualities that make you stand out. I would also say that. I don't think there is anything wrong with being a nice person but you also have to figure out like what what do you naturally want to do for people that kindness. Like from your heart. What naturally want to do for this girl that you really like versus what you feel like. You should do to please her. Those are two very different things and what you want to do for her. Should also be in line with what your interests are as well not like a your own. I don't like your example trip. I don't like sushi. But i'm gonna do this to please her. Well guess what people lose respect for for you if you do something just because they wanna do it and it's guess what you want to do. Yeah i think my biggest takeaway is like. There doesn't have to be like victim trap that falls being a nice guy like you can do stuff that really doesn't have to do with any other aspect of you. That's just really showing your personality. Like trip was talking about of making those dinner plans or like stepping up in telling someone that you're into them like things that assert you. That really has nothing to do. Changing your books or changing your job or any other quality. And i think like we kept this come throughout this whole thing is like even outside of data just having personality having your interests that you have having defining characteristics outside of just being nice as important for your whole being in all aspects of life and at the end of the day like a really quality woman isn't looking for someone that's doormat that they could just walk over looking for equal. They're looking for someone that has a personality that brings some stopped the table and being just nice isn't gonna do that. And back to our original conversation about how you can self diagnose if you are in this nice guy trap one of the main Symptoms that you start feeling resentment for women if you feel this huge resentment for women because you've done nice things for them and you haven't received what you deserve back than you are in this nice guy trap that's how you can diagnose yourself and for our original topic of do nice guys finish last. I would say no nice guys. Don't finish last. Because they were never part of the race to begin with in his first or last. I like that trump's good any other takeaways that you have to add or give us some advice trip. Because i think we still need some tools for men to get out of this mentality of nice guy into like how do i. How do i become something more than just well. There's a few things you can do in a one. I mean sit down and really think about you. Know thing about what your opinions are but what you think the world should look like or just you know your thoughts but practice being aware of what those are and inserting asserting those into conversation with anybody with women with people.

00:30:09 - 00:35:01

Don't be afraid to speak up and say the things that you want to say. And i always say. Treat everything like an experiment like right now. Whatever you're doing isn't working so you gotta try something you know like you gotta be. Okay with being polarizing watch. Watch if you if you sit down and watch a lot of like stand up comedy Watch male stand up comedy k. Watch comedy a watch some alpha males on tv look. You can't surround yourself in person with these people surrounded by watching it on tv or on youtube and you can kind of see what they're doing and it's kind of interesting. I think when we when we watch something you know in that moment we kinda reconnect to it and we feel like okay walkway like oh yeah. You get that by that person. And so that's an easy way to kind of take on that more maybe alpha mentality is by surrounding yourself by it so watch some of that stuff you know and then asli i think just going up in starting conversations with women is gonna be one of the most important things you could do to practice being assertive because right now is scott. Who's watching this is probably just being reacted. If a woman is at a party that he gets introduced to kill maybe have a conversation with them. Or you know it's easy to swipe on tinder Sit at home. Doing on doesn't take much. You know. Or i don't know maybe you like this girl work only because she happens to be sitting in the cubicle. Next to you it's like none of that stuff is really going to train you to be. That assertive proactive. Kinda guy so go out there and start approaching and talking to women in person and that activity alone can really get you to that next level practicing being more confident in being okay with like. Hey i'm gonna take control now. And i'm not gonna let things happen to me on them trying to make things happen so i could see that being really daunting for someone that's been this. Nice cry historically. What is some like tips of opening a conversation. You're out of bar and you see Two girls that you find attractive. What would you say to them. I go to them. You can really say anything. It doesn't really matter but if you're just like really stuck you don't know what to say. Just memorize this line. Go up to him and say. Hey i'm name so hey i'm trip and the are you from wherever she goes the came trip. You guys from chicago. That i yeah. That's a because. I think people like times think they have to calm clever line and opener in a lot of time just being just saying hey or opening the conversation like you just did is enough if the women are like even moderately interested. Yep i would do that. Or that's a default they give you really have nothing to say but you know just see what's going on the situation. You might have a good opener depending on what they're doing or maybe they're drinking something interesting. Maybe she's walking her dog. It's like if something's very obvious that you can kinda comment on something she's doing holding or wearing. I always say doing the holding wearing claimed that comes to mind very quickly than open up with that. But if you're like i i don't know the she's not. Doing much is not holding anything not wearing anything interesting. What i do. Hey i'm trip from chicago. So what are what are couple of other ones. Do you have any like john. The during the day can go up and say hey. I noticed over here very nice. I mean i i would die for comment like god. I could just be like. Where have you been all my life normal. Full not like yo. It's girl those sexy legs. Not that any is listening to this. We're gonna be doing that but Well they're probably just doing nothing muscle and notice trivial with very nice. I'm trip but use your own name or or here's another one. I was a little bit more Line eve but but it works pretty well sculpture grow and say you know if it's during the day and say hey i'm looking for A coffee shop here. That's not starbucks doing suggestions. All that's a good one. Because that's just like super natural and i get talking about maybe coffee and it gets her kind of thinking. Know people law to give suggestions of places and you know and then she might be in a russians to sorry i dunno. Okay okay bye okay at like a bar just go up and be like hey like is there any other good bars in this area or something. Just like yeah. Is there a bro. is there are here. That's not so brody. Yup exactly yeah.

00:35:01 - 00:40:12

Anything that works. Just get just get yourself in there and do it a few times dude. A few times a week you'll see a massive change you really will and maybe not even start with girls or your tractor to just start with anybody ranger anybody. I tell guys if that's really so scary for you what you can do to warm up. So there's some warm ups you can do. Warm ups are so helpful. I always say to the guys. i'm coaching. You're not better than your warm-ups some guys think like. Oh i don't i don't need warm. Do it's like it's gonna be very hard and take you a long time so you warm up and that really helps get those what i call social muscles flowing and it makes it easier to approach a girl. You're very attracted to so some warm ups a really easy one is just is just ask directions asking juno where there's a starbucks around here don't even try to get in the conversation and ask anyone guy girl doesn't matter you know does a hey starbucks around here or know. My phone died a starbucks run. Do you know where it make up a street in your in your town. Do you know where whatever avenue is. Okay cool thanks. So that gets things going and then a step above. That one's a little bit scarier but just go up to at any at any woman over the age eighteen and it can even be an old lady and just and just go up and say. Hey i just wanna say you look very nice today. Thank you and then you walk away. Continue conversation walkways. That's a little bit more. Do five of those in a row. It's gonna be kinda scary. Do five of those in a row. You're going to be ready to go on this one. You're going to be like all right. Where's where's where's the next girl. That unlike i really actually wanna talk to. The accident happened. So get through those kind of initial ones warm up a little bit and then And then you'll be solid and if you have insane manno actual clinical social anxiety might wanna see therapist. Oh yeah the guy. That's complaining that you're not getting girls instead of just defaulting say. I'm entitled a nice guy. Do all this stuff and get like put some action behind yourself in the race right so i like this idea of new thoughts lead to new results so trip in one of the interviews that you did you said one of your favorite quotes is successful. People do what unsuccessful people won't do and i think this deep off that's an old quote i used to say all the time. It's still love it. Where did you hear that. One of the interviews. He did. Yeah like a long time ago with me. Because i think it applies dating to the new. The one that is going to be more successful dating will do what the old you won't deal So next time you're in a situation like what would the old me not this situation. Go do it. Yes exactly exactly. It's here's here's the reality of life that i've learned up until thirty three years old is that it's hard. Yeah you know it's hard. It's hard to make a lot of money. It's hard to quotas. It's hard to meet a really awesome high quality woman. It's hard to maintain great friendships. It's hard to stay fit like it's all hard and i'm not saying that like it's hard give up. I'm saying that in this is the reality. Please just live in reality and just understand. That stuff is hard and so i. I like to say that two guys as a way of encouragement not discouragement. Because it helps me. In my life i go. Oh yeah forget this is. This is not supposed to be easy and then it keeps me going. You know what. I'm saying. It's like i have a bad day or something doesn't go rider businesses going well for like a couple of weeks her get rejected by girls to and your dislike off. Fuck and then you're like. Oh yeah that's right. This is easy and then it comforts. It's like oh yeah this is supposed to happen. You know this idea. I like to talk about also chaos in order. Life is full of cast in order every day on a micro level and macro level. There's good days bad days. Good weeks bad weeks goodyear's bad years and that's just the name of the game. Nothing is going to go right all the time. Nothing's to go wrong all the time and you just have to look at it and say okay. That's fine today. you know. I'm in chaos right now. I'm just in case right now. This is it will pass pass and things will go on. Things will be fine all you know what. I'm going to happy mullet right now. Nice you know what's not gonna last forever joy at wild here. Things are nice in an order. This good and that's just like the ebb and flow of life. But the thing is. I don't wanna say that unlike we'll just let chaos and order can happen to you. Still got to be proactive in your life to make things happen and if you're doing if life is really really easy for you you're not you're doing something that anything worth having doesn't come easy quotes around that so a hundred percent on all the as exact.

00:40:12 - 00:44:31

I love the Like anything in life dating is also a new experiment. Like you said so experiment with different. Tactics differ mentality different ways of approach. You never know what could happen. But at least you're in the game to try something to help you grow to not be a yes man in all aspects of life. Yeah so to all the nice guys out there. Thanks for being nice but you know what you gotta find something else. There's there's got ice of the baseline nine face. Line finds something else that caused standout. Hi yes yep. Yep i'm assertive raw opinionated and that's still makes you a nice guy not the nice guy. The authentic be authentic. Well thanks so much trip for anybody interested. In trips advice you could go to trip advice. T r i p p advice dot com and check out his podcast. How to talk to girls. Julian i will be on that podcast to such a little plug for all of us involved. Any other ways people can reach you. Trip said you know. Listen if you want coaching. And you want to be that assertive guy that you're you're trying to get results in your daily life and your dating high-quality beautiful women will just go to tripadvisor dot com slash coaching. If you're looking to do that and you can felt the application there and If you want to see more advice kind of an action. Check on my youtube channel as well but Listened to the podcast right now. So at the very least gotta talk to girls podcast. and there's over two hundred episodes. They're so you'll get more advice on how to meet girls absolutely and also people if you wanna get trips individual advice. You got a book early because took julian Eight months to get on the here. He's a very busy man. Alright so get yourself on the list asap. Thank you so much trip for talking to us. And we enjoy the topic all the time for listeners. If you're a nice guy and you want to find out you know you wanna talk about more ways where you can get out of this mentality where you've come out the nice guy mentality. We want to interview on the show to love to have you a guest so reach out to us. Data podcasts dot com on that note. Let's wrap this up. Stay dateable your action for this week is to. Let's do a little exercise here down a list of all the positive qualities about yourself and then separate the qualities that you think basically everyone should have you know being nice being a good person and then focus on the qualities that are unique to you. Those are the qualities you should be using to describe yourself when it comes to dating. Want to connect with trip to be part of his coaching program. Visit dateable podcast dot com slash coaching and fill out his coaching application. Form to learn more about the program. This episode of dateable is brought to you by five hundred brunches. Five hundred branches connects like minded people with similar interests to meet in real life over brunch. You answer a quick questionnaire about your interest and how you spend your time. And then they'll match you in small groups of six to eight brench spot in san francisco. Get a free entry into a french by signing up at five hundred brunches dot com and using the code date able. If you know already. We have a revamped website with articles videos and content. All about modern dating you can also find our premium why series where we dissect analyze and offer solutions to some of the most common dating conundrums. We've had some great feedback. About how actionable these episodes are so. Check them out on her website or iteens. Music also visit the site today to see the latest about coaching where we connect you with. Dateable approved experts to help with everything from dating profile reviews coaching and even gathering real feedback about your dating style in a personalized and affordable way to connect with us visit detail. Podcast dot com. You can also find us on facebook twitter and instagram. All under dateable podcasts. Don't forget to subscribe an auto download the podcast on itunes. Or your favorite podcast player. So you never miss an episode.

Dateable Podcast
Yue Xu & Julie Krafchick

Is monogamy dead? Are we expecting too much of Tinder? Do Millennials even want to find love? Get all the answers and more with Dateable, an insider’s look into modern dating that the HuffPost calls one of the ‘Top 10 podcasts about love and sex’. Listen in as Yue Xu and Julie Krafchick talk with real daters about everything from sex parties to sex droughts, date fails to diaper fetishes, and first moves to first loves. Whether you’re looking to DTR or DTF, you’ll have moments of “OMG-that-also-happened-to-me” to “I-never-thought-of-it-that-way-before.” Tune in every Wednesday to challenge the way you date in this crazy Dateable world.