S712 Rock Bottom

00:00:00 - 00:05:02

The Dateable podcast is an insider's look into modern dating that the Huffington post calls one of the top ten podcast about love and sex. On each episode, we'll talk to real daters about. From sex parties to sex droughts, date fails a diaper fetishes and first moves to first loves. I'm your host Yue Xu, former dating coach turned dating sociologists. You also hear from my co host and producer Julie Krafchick as we explored this crazy dateable world.

This episode of dateable is brought to you by five hundred brunches. Five hundred branches connects like minded people with similar interests to meet in real life over brunch. You answer a questionnaire about your interest and how you spend your time. And then they'll match you in small groups of sixty eight at a brunch spot in san francisco get a free entry into a brench now by signing up at five hundred brunches dot com and using the code date able everyone welcome to another episode of dateable a show all about modern dating. Our guest. Today is in oncor homecourt guest. She was on a previous episode called the bathroom. Bail of your member from seasons four. Her name is melissa and she's back because we're hearing about another topic that's equally as disaster talking about this idea of a rock bottom. What does that mean. Have you ever had a movement in your life when it comes to dating where you're like. Okay something he said. Change here again to do something different with my life and how i date and this can't happen again. Melissa apparently has the story in just a little refresher melissa's in her thirties. Originally from new jersey. She's lived in san francisco for thirteen years and she's currently single in on a bit of a dating sabbatical. I wonder if that's because of her rock bottom moment out. Very shortly melissa. How would you define rock-bottom moment. I think you hit the nail on the head. There is usually ends up in tears and the decision that maybe you should be making better life choices. I think we can all relate to that one. Though i'm ready to hear your story okay The starts off any rock bottom. Any good rock bottom stories starts off with a crush that i had on a guy that was probably how i don't know maybe around ten years my junior who i net on a party. Bus going to a waterpark. That's always is somewhere in my thirties. I think it was like thirties. Time flies when you're making terrible life choices and On a party bus to waterworld so already great life trajectory right there and he just wasn't that into me and you know you know how that goes and so i was out drinking day drinking all day and he shows at the bar and you know it's awkward but i'm still like trying to hang out and his after waterworld of cases after waterworld and we had gone on like one day you know it just wasn't going anywhere so how long after water wa probably late A month sometime had passed. Yeah so yes. So he shows up at the bar that i've been. We were watching some sports game. It's kind of awkward. But he doesn't tell me a here through the group. We're going to this house party. So of course i like follow. His author would already. I don't know really anyone i mean. I know some of the people that were at the bar that went to this party. We're not like really interacting but you know it's just like i don't know what i'm doing again. I don't know what i'm doing my life or what. So he leaves the party without even like saying goodbye of course and so. I lay distraught. You know what am i. i'm. I'm no idea where i am at this party with these random people some leg. I'm gonna leave okay. So i walk out of the party again. I'm pretty drunk. So i have no idea where i am. There are some random guy standing in the middle of the street and he says my roomie fell asleep in my apartment's locked and my phone is up in my apartment. So i have no way of getting in touch with him or getting in he has my phone and of course has remained in pickup. Let's let's i'm in the mid to late changes turn this night around so i said why. Don't you just text him. We'll get a drink and sees he text back. you know. thank god. Yeah on the street street ran. I couldn't get any worse right. That's what i was thinking at the time so we go have a drink and his roommate actually does finally like call back and we ended up going back to his place.

00:05:02 - 00:10:08

You know and i end up hooking up us as one is with a random stranger on street so obviously it wasn't even like worth it because i don't remember whether we slept together. I'm sure we did but you know what. And that's something that i normally don't do either. I don't like normally don't even know a guy's name and hot like a one night stand. That's like from to hire. You had a drink. I am yes okay to do. Drinks the whole data during him. Yes so whatever we hook up and then in the middle of the night. I have to go to the bathroom and again not my best decision. I go completely buck naked out to the bathroom. Roommates and I walk out of the bathroom. And it's like one of those typical san francisco railroad so there are like four doors to unless i two on the right side. Four choices idea which ones is still naked. Still think. so am i all right. Let's just let's see what's behind door number. Not his not his bag over your one. Oh yeah it was a couple. The girl was like definitely slipped out about the doors of their so. I don't know what to do. Run the living room so now. I'm crouching behind the couch. Totally naked recently drunk to like random guys house totally naked. If i wasn't drug. So i'm like i just i remember this moment like sitting Crouching behind the counter being lake If this guy finds me like is they get up raven. Luckily the guy just like open this door and i guess like looked down the hallway and didn't see me. I was like okay. So what happens. You're you're coming for the other guy who's door. I like opened allow the couple. Yes part of the cook. And finally i heard him open the door. And that's what i was like. Please don't come in here. No see the guy. I was with wasn't fancy enough to have a door Which i which i remember. He was at the end of the hall behind the curtain. Yours there i didn't. I didn't i didn't get one of the fancy guys. I got into the hallway. Bet at the end of the hallway behind the curtain converted. This exactly exactly. So i go back. I get back into bed with this guy and all of the sheets are wet. You know like elbowing him. You know might. Hey hey i think you pee. The bed and his wife didn't did you know wasn't me because i just went to the bathroom like every normal person dies and it wasn't would you know it wasn't so he's like no. That wasn't me that was you and i got all csi on his ass. I was like turf flipped on the late jack. The wet spots in like a cone shape whereas if it was me we a puddle like like so clearly. The is denying the whole time i was like you know what i'm just going. I'm just gonna. What time is right. Oh god it was like. Oh i love that that when you laugh to keep people close. Yeah yeah. I'm going to put on my clothes and go to put on my sock. This one's wet all this aga- weaving one sock lake in my hand. One saw my god on his room yet uber cry. The whole hallway dropping. Because you didn't probably didn't know what location you are at we're surgically showed you know whatever. Yeah find my location. Whatever it is so that was the moment when i was like okay. There's a lot of rock bottom in this. What there's there's one story that culminates to the ultimate rock bottom when When i decided that maybe it was time to stop chasing twenty five year old because at the end of that tunnel is a guy who pays the blames on you.

00:10:09 - 00:15:01

So how did you actually find his room possible nation or do you dislike. will you. finally we ever ever has occurred number. Because i was like. Oh yeah. I didn't actually open a door that would do that. Was clearly very important department was like. How did you get out of that. I saw i. You know it's all very fuzzy. But i think i remember seeing the curtain at the end of the hallway like oh have you ran into this guy on the street today. I know you don't know his name. I couldn't pick them out of elena. I couldn't do you still recollection where you were. I was probably somewhere in the marina. I think i was on union street partying again another terrible life but his pee was presented to you in a lineup and you recognize. I probably recognize the trajectory of The action like when you laugh. I don't even know. I don't remember. I just remember being. I am out of here like this is this is i'm done so i think liz like trying to be like. Oh give me your number or whatever. I was like i just saw your now shit today. All right well and the worst part was trying to blame it on me. Especially since i had literally to the so i guess like from this experience. He said it's like a rock bottom but won't in the future would you to. How are you feeling the next day the next day. What am i doing with my life. I you know like it's it's just very out of character for meter meter rando on the street whose name i don't even know how and sleep with them to begin with and then you don't even know if he's slept with him right. That is definitely wasn't even worth no door. Another rock bottom everything about it. I would say that that would have been my lesson to learn to stop chasing younger boys but that is not yet one that i've not until they re on you does that. I actually like once this episode airs. We're gonna find this guy. I feel like this is legendary stories. He's been telling you treadmill. His couple roommate has been selling away. The rock bottom is what. I peed all over the bed. I tried to put an no. He's still a. Up the bay a random girl. I bet a truck bed. My my logic was solid about the pay trajectory. I you know. I almost had like a black laid out on this. She's like really making my case. So i i believe you since you went to the bathroom but there's no way i mean i think rock bottoms dagan hookups could mean a lot of things that i think a lot of times at least from personal experience to hit his stemmed from alcohol consumption. Of course i know one of my personal moments. When i was like i got to do something different was i would go on. Deeds just get like wasted and went on the steed unlike a monday night. It's your rock bottom store. I guess i guess as vice share you share. I'm so ready. So i've ever going out on a date on a monday night. Which is already like. What are you doing and discuss like hammer. Hit it off in that moment but just got fucked up. And i remember going to tonic bar after we drink like to battle always a good lsu bottles of wine at this other place and it was like two for one. Because monday night. And instead of sharing to drake's we both got jurist so anyways long story short. He ended up coming back to my house. I also totally blacked out. I think we slept together. I'm not even fully sure I actually ran into this guy years later and he reminded me that we took a shower together not only blacked out of shir by rebate at the time. Love the at like two. Am on a monday. Ed dead of i. The only thing i remember from the whole thing is being like do this. I was like fuck that. I've run into multiple times. That i did tell him he was my rock. Bottom moment be stopped dreamgig. So much and reaction was kind of like a like. You're being. Well how did he how. How do the whole thing end. Oh yes then. Of course that night he was like.

00:15:01 - 00:20:03

Oh we're doing not like we're going on another date really planning our future together. A damning dote hear from him. Of course that. I text him never hear back. Then years later. I ran into him and called him out. Our key like approached. Me like do know who i am. And he's like of course. I like halted for it and yeah we have all these recognized him. Oh i recognized. As soon as i saw him. It was like one of those moments. I was like a rock bottom guy. How'd you meet him tender. You remember his name. You remember his face i do. I won't disclose it on the air. But i do remember he. Didn't he on you as far as you see the same halloween party every year. Which i plan not to go to the sheer okay. You're up to that. You know it's like you said. Alcohol is always instigator and we were the tinder tinder under social roussel. Toll was just released and it was group dating right. Groups of friends can match with other groups of people. So we had julia's part of this. My god yes s we. We had just matched with a bunch of dudes on tinder. Don't tons of groups of dudes and in the course of that. I was also swiping on individual double tender doubles injury drinking all day to add to it. Yes and i remember just so i can sliding swiping and match with someone and i just. We were so drunk by this point. I was like oh camera are talking to this dude. And he's turned out to be a really nice guy so i of course invited him out. He invited them all to the same we all we invited them. All to nikki's mickey's in the lower hayes groups a dude's yes and we were all wasted and i didn't remember if i told him that i was tinder socially or not. I just remember saying he should come out. And i remember a conversation with him being like on the scientists. I don't usually get out. This is like not utilizing do on a first date for tinder. But you seem like a nice girl. I don't know how. But i. I want to meet you so i'm like okay. By the time he shows up. I'm pretty much cross eyed. At this point i i so wasted and only a few of us were leftover. Because i think in one random group tear social thing about guys. Did you guys get a lot of shit on only one shot which is kinda normal right because we're just random random. Girls really camden naked. A lot of gifts in cub to nikki. Yes so he shows up and he's completely sober and he sees me in my day. Nine o'clock it was pretty early because we have been daydream game and he looks at me. He's like i guess. I should catch up all right and so of in in him catching up. I'm also drinking with him. So i just get obliterated as more girlfriends drop out and by the end. It's literally me another girlfriend and the two random tenure social guys who were like vying for her attention and my my dude at some point everybody clears out and i'm just flow making out this guy and i just this whole time saying i don't normally do this. This is not a normal you. Do this often same question. Gee you always do this with tinder. Dates i one of my first days is what happens under like. He has so many questions and was shot up and make out with me the end. I grabbed his hand. Like we're going back to my place. And i'm pretty much naked. By the time. I get in not by him do anything. I just decided to take all my clothes off all his clothes on and a reform making out. And i'm just like let's just go all the way first of all you guys don't remember you slept with your guys. I specifically remember him rejecting wanting to sleep with him. He's like no. I just don't think we're on the same level right now and i'm not gonna be doing with you so i pass out. I remember being like. I'm so tired i pass out and i wake up to him over me with a wet cloth just dabbing face like what is going on. Come on my face. nafti happen. But there's blood everywhere and like why is our blood on my face and he's like well a funny story you were making out and you passed out you start a snoring and then You woke yourself up from your snore. And guess it agitated you somehow where your elbow flew out of the blanket and hit me in the face and gave me a boy. He's in the course of like wiping my face down and i'm just like i can't believe this but i'm still like let's do this.

00:20:04 - 00:25:05

He's like no. This is definitely not. I'm definitely not going to sleep with you now. He finishes cleaning up. My face didn't have any of his clothes off. So i can't even say he was putting his on takes his keys and his whatever his phone and he looks at me he goes worst date ever. Ah with the best part of those is after. This happened 'cause i remember having a really great connection with him in my mind we have an amazing night so the next day on every thought had i remember texting him and being like oh my gosh i thought we had. Which fun did you have fun. He's like no it before or after the bloody nose. I don't know so we're we're having conversation. He's still not asking me out. And i remember just like being big being like. Do you want this to go somewhere or not. If not just say something he goes. I guess not and we just stopped talking then with the most interesting part of this is that this happened a two and a half years ago earlier this year i reached out to him or passively. Light followed him on instagram. You have all this time in my mind. I had such great connection with this guy. Why did it never go anywhere. Have years later naturally when you rock bottoms. I'm i- passively. Follow him on his a. He messages me right away. Dan's mea is like you do realize we went on a date together many years ago. I was like you know. I was really drunk. So let's go play by play what happened and we had totally different impressions of what happened that night him he showed up and i was. I was already drunk so he already made up his mind that he wasn't gonna sleep with me as the minute he saw me and the he said we had a really fun night. He doesn't remember getting the bloody nose from me. He thought he just got it naturally from her distress at work and also just other things going on so what added to the stress. Was the next day bitching him out for not taking action so to him. The rock bottom was more how i reacted the next day interesting. Which made him not respect me like me. It was a really negative experience because what happened the next day. So those are interesting getting clarity about that though regardless like what. You're just so fucked up like babies decisions like you said melissa alley that you would never do it. A thousand years like is time to take inventory on. And you don't know how you let the other person. Because he told me after that date you like a friend of this it was like i'm deleting all my apps and i remember like by roommate of the time being you need to like seriously not drink so much on dave like cabinet in your back like you cannot be like getting blackout drunk. Unlike monday night on i ate well for me it was also like you should never let a guy affect you so much that you're like like it might all stem from this stupid crush. That didn't work out any completely affected my leg my mood behavior. And yourself a steven. You're looking for validation from this rand absol- desirable on the streets that maybe this will turn either our. Yeah so what else. Can we learn from these rock bottom experiences. Other than the fact that they do make very entertaining story edmund telling the story at dinner parties for years. Now because i'm lay is a very humbling experience girl okay. I think like what's the route like you were just saying like is there something beyond just like oops. I got a little too drunk or white for be. I think maybe it was like. I was nervous on deed so i turned to alcohol. Drink more on dates. Because i'd feel more ease odds and abel's just make that connection sober so it's like actually from that like through like a five hundred branches and other things. I do live a more a lot more social activities. That didn't require alcohol. Because i mean like so much of my past was going to bars and meeting randoms and hooking up and it's like there's better ways to make connections so yeah i guess it just depends on what you're looking for. If that point in my life. I thought i was looking for a series relationship but i did not give off that impression right but guys coming into a date and obliterated that's not no serious image that i'm putting out there so really thinking about what exactly you want and how you can best present yourself in that in that manner the other things i wanna talk about would be like okay. Let's talk about this whole drinking drinking dates. We've talked about this before. It's so much easier to meet up for a drink or five and you do feel that liquid courage.

00:25:05 - 00:30:01

I actually find the other prison more attractive when i think it's the setting to. There's something about like a gym bar sitting side-by-side postal your coffee shop or it's late at the table. Just like lends itself to a more like conducive setting to have a connection. Yeah so how can we get around that or is this something we need to get around isn't just more about control. It's time to take a quick break so we can tell you about the latest service. We have been building over here dateable. We've created a platform to connect you with vetted experts from our network to help with everything from coaching with dating therapy dating profile reviews and even ways to get real feedback about your dating style. A session sickly run from thirty minutes to an hour. And can all be done via skype. Or google hangouts. So you can be anywhere. Listeners have been sharing how worthwhile their sessions have been with comments about how easy the coaches are to talk to how they have provided a new perspective. And how they have created actionable ways to inspire change to meet the coaches and book your session. Today visit dateable podcasts dot com slash coaching. Now back to the shelf isn't just more about control. Think i think like know your limits. There's no reason we should have data in my case done two for one individual should have i. Why was that even something we were doing right like i also cut it after that first bar like there was no need to continue. I think sometimes when you're in the moment it's hard because you're like this is so fun and having such a good time. I want to keep it going. Maybe it's having a little bit of that control that you're like i feel the alcohol creeping in. I want to like do something i regret. Maybe i should cut it now and then if it's meant to be i'll see this person again and a lotta times drinking is sort of a nervous reflex in a way you feel like you need to be doing something with your hands or doing something. In general i so it takes up time A friend of mine said you should do a each sip of a drink match that with a sip of water and that along gates your drink or the time you spend mattering pretty good advice. I would say in you. Don't get as drunk as fast or settled limit to drink rule or something like that. i mean especially. If it's a first day you know you wanna keep wanting more right right and you can also like. I know that i had a deed actually not that long ago that the guy said he only wanted to have one drink that he like left really early so it kind of weird so i think i thought to him and i said this was like we could have had like a water or something that you can do other things to keep the convoys going. It doesn't need to be as black and white as i'll be two drinks exit or do one drink water. One drink like till exploited out a little. I think for all of our stories. I think there are moments that we could have identified. That could have prevented us from spiralling downwards. So i think we can go around and identify where that moment would be. Fine moment was probably the minute. I grabbed his hand and made him go back to mike place with me. I think that if i has stopped that i would think we would have spiraled like like i said mine's a little bit different. It's less about the drinking and more about lake chasing guys adult like me in having that affect my mood and leg my actions so i should have never like gone to. That party only followed the guy there like he invited me like followed him with a group of people that were going only for him so for me. It was like all right. You gotta stop finding guys adult like you going after them and then having that completely affect your actions in your mood and you said something interesting to me was when you saw the guy on the street you thought This could turn my night around which is actually giving control over to someone else to turn your when you are in control of your thoughts and feelings right so the time we relinquish that power to someone else. You're bound to probably. Yeah i mean. I think it's like a hard thing to say because i think just some of it is. I think you have to have these bullets. Because s you learn from that. Think hypothetically don't drink much on a date but then until it happens and yes like oh my god. I don't even know if i hooked up with someone or not night. Apparently tina's shower with them. Don't remember all like then you're like Like what am i doing. So i guess to your question of what the point was. I don't know what mine was. A clearly just kept spiral like to for why it'd be before that it was like over. I think that was like kept going but not controlling myself is probably the biggest in. Yeah and what were some of the actions we talk about. How how you changed how you dated afterwards.

00:30:01 - 00:35:12

But what are some specific actions. I remember i did delete all my apps. I thought i don't wanna show my face ever again. But i also thought there was some ways that i could enjoy myself. Better as opposed to like thinking that getting male attention. I need it in a night to make me feel good. Yeah that's a good one. I think for me like i mentioned earlier. Was like being more social settings that didn't require as much alcohol or any alcohol in like kind of getting up confidence that way in not relying on it as much. Yeah i mean for me actually. You were talking about high on dating sabbatical. I think one of the reasons i am. 'cause i still struggle with this leading guy completely like control my emotions or like even if even if i'm dating someone whether he tax or not that has such an effect over how my day goes how. I'm feeling and i like manna decision. On like i don't want as you were saying anyone to control how i'm feeling or my emotions anymore like i don't want to have this based on what somebody else's actions are totally. That's so i know it's so hard to do because someone could make or break your day but when they make your day feel so damn good. It's like your dixie ways so you keep wanting that it's a hard thing to set it but it's it's also it turns around so much you could be like so down about like i haven't heard from him yet and then like all the sudden as soon as you do. It's like yeah balls out. I hate it. I didn't i don't i don't wanna go through that anymore. Like totally well. It's good that you like had moments like this realize this is a problem. That's what the point of rock bottom is to be like. I need to change something way. Account heap repeating this. I would love to find melissa's rock-bottom have rented our rock bottoms. I just my goal. Let that out there s perspective. Yeah but i'm sure he remember. I will say the by rock bottom when we reconnected. He was like 'cause. I called him out for like ignoring my tax. He's like we're going to go on a date tomorrow for brunch and he did follow through good but as you go get a side of the story like like you. I got his side of the story spot. I was like young and hot mass. I think he. I don't think like gal. I think he disliked does super mature and he thought it was like way younger i was. I don't think it was a capo. But anyways what are some of our takeaways from this whole discussion about rock bottom hope way first of all go have a rock bottom. Everyone needs to like you like everyone's like bidded like that bad situation that they're like. I'm never going to do this again. I think you need this. But when you have a rock bottom identify it as opposed like that was just a bad night every rock bottom you gotta you gotta i admit is a rock bottom Learn from it. I think some of my takeaways would be again. We're all like on a journey and sometimes you meet people at a place that were. They're not at their best and we just have to forgive them for where they are works in progress. I'm actually really grateful that my rock bottom was able to forgive me it. His memories of i presented myself that night but we also have to treat others that way when it comes to dating. You don't know what people are going through right. What do. I don't know if the take away but i commend these men that don't take advantage of women when i'm actually also had that situation not my rock bottom close to its guy turned down because i was drunk so i think that kind of goes to my second point of iraq. On doesn't necessarily have to be one incident. It could be a few leading up or one that likes. I think like for the one that i remember. It's not per se like if that happened in a vacuum in that was like a one off. I be like oh what did i do. But it may not have been a rock bottom. I think it was because there was a series of other ones before that weren't as extreme but like still there was like something i needed to resolve. So i think it's identifying like if you have a moment looking at like is going on and i think the point we made to is. What is the deeper thing. Are you feeling insecure. Feeling like x y and z. And not just like. Oh shit. I drink too much but what what is driving me to drink that much on dates. Okay just not going after guys that are clearly not into it not forcing it should happen naturally and then if it doesn't work out or something doesn't go my way than not trying to either fix it with other actions or you know.

00:35:12 - 00:40:16

Let it affect my my mood. How i feel and what i do afterwards i think all comes down to self respect from all of ours. It's like do i respect the decision. I made last night like if i was to tell like. I like her sister about it. Like grad cringing. Or would i be like okay with by life choice. Yeah yeah i mean mine wasn't like a conscience like oh this guy is going to make me feel good right was just a what else am i doing. Why not during that. They released it back to those things right or like. Actually that was what was driving it in the beginning right usually the moment. You're not thinking exactly yeah. My doesn't go have a drink with this guy. Why not did not know that it would end up with you know wait. We have time for a quick question of the day. let's do it. This question comes from cal. She says. I wanted me out in real life but concerns putting myself in dangerous situation as a woman. How can you balance being but also being safe. Yes a good one especially like from what you said. Melissa about like meeting on the street i think you out. Relatively lack even all he did with p. eva phase. It could have been worse when you think about it. So this is a tough one. I think one to what we're saying is watcher alcohol levels. You're alert enough. Yeah and also always need out in public places. Don't take them home with you. If you don't really know them that well i think i feel like meeting someone in real life is less risky than johan and app because you can actually like get a better feel for the person that they are versus leg. Who knows who this person is at the end of this. Yeah i think the advice of meeting and public both. I think especially for an app agree. It's like you do not have your first in their home like somewhere public and as all of us did i have heard this happen before that like women either invite someone to their home or man asked to go to the home and it's like it just doesn't feel safe in general well in melissa situation. You're the threat here okay. Naked woman killing some random person's room. possibly Them million handed on them. They here. here's something. I'm thankful for that night. This happened to me was that i was. There was one girlfriend left standing at the end of the night. She saw the guys. Yeah when you look like she has going home with him or him home and she could also checkup on me the next year the problem is they don't have them any identifying information like hypothetically had something gone wrong. Yeah how would she. Yes she have a recollection of him. But what else does she have been like. I knew it's awkward to be like. What's your address louis to your friend but like finding more subliminal way is one option or just disaster. Take a picture. Id over your run. Airdrop everyone in this Getting their last name before you. I mean if you're not even know their last name maybe that should be a sign that you should be putting their home. What about their. I figure sides one maybe get. I name last david. That just subtly tell your friend in the bathroom. Watch your drink always watch your train. Yeah we put ourselves in danger on a daily basis and somehow when we start drinking it impairs are common sense with that stuff so again. Know your limit. Yeah maybe also answer young. Yeah keep your alcohol level down. I've been public place young on always have your alcohol with you all time. Mostly the matter want way. They don't leave. Keep your drink. can i buy you a drink dot. Worry i've got this plastic water bottle better having it so difficult to buy drinks or not like okay. Cool that recall. I hope that answers. You're not the apologize any other takeaways from these rock bottom stories. They're very entertaining. Hindsight and we invite our listeners to share your rock bottom stories with us. And i'll give you a few examples because it doesn't have to be a rock bottom story of you hooking up with someone a guy friend of mine his rock-bottom moment was he was added club when he was in his early forties and he looked around and there was like a mirror behind him he suddenly saw himself in the mirror and he thought oh my god i am that guy that that i saw when i was in my twenties and thirties and thought that guy doesn't belong here.

00:40:17 - 00:43:39

That guy and he was that creepy older man. Be wearing this polyester. Sure like we're bad. I don't know he said i came back. I also fearful of were made fun. I've ever madison kerry. We had a guest as well and season two. He said the same thing that was his that he's like i'm too old to redo it. I don't think that's fair. Somebody who's older who likes to go to lake show style like i think as long as you feel comfortable with yourself play. I don't think it's about an age thing. I think for him. He didn't want to be. That person has seen before and he had some that how became the sleazy guy was coming up on these strikes at a club. We actually wanted a family are still having fun enjoying your on thick but yeah i think there's many different rock bottom stories. We also had someone that talked about a travel accidents. That caused them to reexamine their whole life. And how they dated. So there's many things out there it can be the why gam but we'd love to invite people to send them because we'd love to continue this in other seasons and most importantly we want to know what you did after the swamp bottom happened. Would you change about your life. What are the actions you took. And what did you learn from it. Yeah okay cool. Let's wrap this up again. We would invite you guys. Tell your stories. We got to share these stories. Otherwise we feel like works crazy on our all right. Let's wrap this up. Say data all your action for this week is to look at every experience as an opportunity to evolve so here a couple of things you can do if something bad happens to you. One is validate your own feelings. Silken it's okay. It's okay to do that. The second step you take is to jot down what you learned from in the third which is the most important set. It's a think about what to do next. What can you take action on. What can you do differently next time. Every time we look at these bad experiences as a way to learn then the next time it may not happen again and if it does it will lessen how poorly feel this. Episode of dateable is brought to you by five hundred brunches. Five hundred brunches connects like minded people with similar interests to meet in real life over brunch. You answer a questionnaire about your interest and how you spend your time and they'll match you. In small groups of sixty eight at a brunch spot. In san francisco get a free entry into a brench now by signing up at five hundred brunches dot com and using the code date able. If you didn't know already we have a revamped website with articles videos and content. All about modern dating you can also find our premium y series where we dissect analyze and offer solutions to some of the most common dating conundrums had some great feedback. About how actionable. These episodes are so check them out on our website or i tunes music also visit the site today to see the latest about coaching. Where we connect you with. Dateable approved experts to help with everything from dating profile reviews coaching and even gathering real feedback about your dating style in a personalized and affordable way to connect with us visit dateable. Podcasts dot com. You can also find us on facebook twitter and instagram. All under dateable podcasts. Don't forget to subscribe an auto download the podcast on itunes. Or your favorite podcast player. So you never miss an episode.