Ellis and Charlotte share their experiences dating a couple where they were the ones entering the relationship as the third. We discuss the terminology of unicorns and unicorn hunters, how perceptions differ from the reality of personal situations, and how these configurations can work or not.
S7E13 Do Unicorns exist
00:00:00 - 00:05:10
The Dateable podcast is an insider's look into modern dating that the Huffington post calls one of the top ten podcast about love and sex. On each episode, we'll talk to real daters about. From sex parties to sex droughts, date fails a diaper fetishes and first moves to first loves. I'm your host Yue Xu, former dating coach turned dating sociologists. You also hear from my co host and producer Julie Krafchick as we explored this crazy dateable world.
This episode of dateable is brought to you by five hundred brunches. Five hundred branches connects like minded people with similar interests to meet in real life over brunch. You answer a questionnaire about your interest and how you spend your time. And then they'll match you in small groups of sixty eight at a brunch spot in san francisco get a free entry into a brench now by signing up at five hundred brunches dot com and using the code date able everyone. Welcome to another episode of dateable. Show all about modern dating. You know who these days. It's cool to be a unicorn. You see like unicorn merchandising. Everywhere unicorn farts unicorn. Glitter unicorn headband. That's a unicorn fart barkley ice cream out my call a unicorn fart. How unicorn farts. But today we have to live unicorns. Gosh charlene lsu guys wanna make some unicorn noises so people know if you're wondering what we're talking about. I'm going to give you a definition of what a unicorn is according to urban dictionary because we're all things. It's actually a derogatory term By a unicorn bisexual person usually though not always female who's willing to join existing couple often with the presumption that this person will date and become sexually involved with both members of that couple and not demand anything or do anything which might cause problems or inconvenience to that couple. Sometimes unicorns expected to not develop any emotional attachment and is strictly there for a sexual relationship. And then on the flip side. We have a unicorn hunter. Another derogatory term refers someone. Who's seeking that special third to complete their family. They often believe a bisexual. Third partner will prevent jealous feelings. Okay see working like a about those definition. Those terms bought before we talk about with urban dictionary says about unicorns. I wanna talk to you both about what you're experiencing currently so let me introduce else i. He's twenty seven. He's from san francisco unicorn. foreign Lives in san francisco. He's currently seeing a married couple and it's been a year about a about a year. Okay and then we have charlotte. She's twenty two. She's from saint louis famous for four years in a monogamous relationship but also has a friendship and relationship with a married couple for several years. Now yes okay. That's still going on or is that we're still friends by. I am in a monogamous relationship right now so that is just got it okay. Let's go from present to past. Let's talk to us about your current relationship with this married couple. I'm their pet cat. I think the best rival ivan their their default people generally speaking is just to be kind and reach out to people and want to connect with people and the these days like i. I'm i'm kind of an indoor outdoor cat like come and go and i'll be arriving unannounced at their place after this and like you know they've got a guest room and sometimes like a crash there some keys to their apartment yeah And sometimes i sleep in bed with them. Onsite like we. We usually have sex. But i'd say most of the time that we spend with each other is just spending time with each other and hang up like i really love them and they're really smart people and they're all on the same wavelength me in a lot of different ways. How did you meet them. We actually met all in the same our three or four years ago play party. Was this really hot logic. Having sex next year is having sex with a friend in front of me. And i said hey when a trade and we all looked at each other and made sure everybody was consulting that and then than we did. And that's how. I met the husband later that night and i think be good for our listeners to know we have interviewed ellis before from a play party that we did episode on so if you want hear his voice and his pena stake you so you met them at klay party and then it was a while later that say that we started dating after. I say we started dating about a year ago. Because i just trashed my motorcycle and my name is all about saddam but i lived at that time like a block away from them and they said well you know if you ever need a place to stay like you can always come stay with us rich like i had a place to stay.
00:05:10 - 00:10:01
There was not a problem in my life. But like kinda i i was. I didn't emotional lower low in my life. That point too and they saw them in front of there was hurting and and that they did they. Did they totally straight. yeah. I've been spending time regularly with them ever since on their first unicorn or had they gone through this before. I don't think they've ever seen somebody regularly like me before. Okay i'm have relationships with both of them. I would say that. I see them as a couple in a unit the hey i say i'm their pet cat kinda tongue-in-cheek but it doesn't do a terrible job of describing the way that i come into that relationship and that like they're they're married and they want to be together and i always want to be an important part of their lives but like the relationship they have with each other is very different from leadership. They have with me in a lot of the way that i relate to them is a wound up in the way that they are married in together. I think that's really peaceful lovely and it's really nice to be able to have this place that i just kind of plug into the space. I feel so comfortable in. And i don't need to worry about you. Know interacting in a way that like is it meeting sensitive here and they're like yes shore. I am sense in person and we want to be sensitive to their feelings but the point of this equation is not for me to have my own independently romantic relationship with these people. My point of this equation is from you to be a part of this family unit and be loved in. Share the love so exactly. It's not about me like having my own thing detri- unit of them. It's a it's a family run here from charlotte now. How did you meet your couple. I actually met the woman in the couple on tinder and we chatted on tenure for a bit but didn't actually meet up with each other. And then i ran into her at fulsome street What did they say in their tinder profile This is kind of funny on nothing. Just then no which is so. I was not aware that she had husband fell into it more. Yeah so. I ended up running into her at folsom street fair. She's like oh my god hi. We must shunt into her and this is my husband. And it's i mean it's san francisco. It's twenty thousand phase me like anything else. he was. Yeah i didn't. I did not know that she had a husband but thought was fine. It's whatever so She invited me to coming out. And i still don't think i like fully understood that. Her husband was necessarily part of the deal because he hadn't been included in previous conversations. Deal so i went over kinda with the expectation that it was just gonna be her and her husband. Was there too. I'm like all right. Will you guys were both attractive. So it's fine but it was a little bit of surprise trista. You're you're bisexual. Yeah you're looking for hot women on tinder and you had no idea. She had husband really now the situation. Now how did. Then you become very unicorn at the time that i met them. They weren't seeing like people independently like they were only people together So yeah they're just kind of like a package deal. Is that the same situation for you. Do they see people other people independently opening. Oh they do okay. So during a poly-amorous marriage okay. Got it okay so back to charlotte get back to you say that you've had relationships with them for several years yet. How did that come about. We'll think i guess we just like we headed off we got along lake noxious lake sexually but as as people as friends. I was kind of like forced into place of being very vulnerable with them. Just because of the time that i met them in my life so i actually met them just several weeks after being sexually assaulted in. I was not yet in a place where i was being sexual i like. I wanted to be. But that's something that i like had to be open with them about. Which is laying. It kind of took it from like. Oh this is like a casual lake hookup Into like let me tell you about my drama tonight lows in you go to these places that shooting and kind of expose my own ignorance about this topic. I always thought that the couple benefited more from unicorn in What i'm hearing. Is everybody benefits from this relationship. You know so you guys were a sort of out of place in your life where you needed safety comfort love and you found people who are who were willing and generous to give you that so i actually heard that it kind of was this was common. I would love to hear your opinions of this.
00:10:01 - 00:15:02
Just coincidence that both of you were in this place you know anything more about it. But what what i've heard was that actually benefits the single person just as much as the couple in a place that they're looking for that like family attorney what you address the the language around yet. Who does it benefit more. Yeah like this. Yeah but it comes across as really transaction that the point of this equation is not to figure out who gets better end of the deal out of this like can i ask the numbers in. I'm i'm on the winning side. Like point of our relationship is not to keep score about us. Winning the point of the relationship is to give and receive whatever those needs are met. Whatever dimensions of compatibility that you have across people are whether that's loyalty or respect or romanticism or sexuality or any any of those verticals. You've have the depth of relationship with people that you do across those and you have the needs that you have. I don't need to be mirror images you you have the needs of the ones that you have and you have the energies that you can give to thing thought about who's going to benefit more and i think that's why maybe it said derogatory term is there is that perception. Sometimes that one party does benefit. And you're basically saying like this is just like any relationship. When the timings writer wrote people are all three people are in that place. They're ready to receive each other. I think one of the reasons why it may be referred to as a derogatory term is when you think about the concept of like oh. I'm a single person. I think this would be fun. To connect with a couple of end may make this happen and like have like sexual romantic. Or whatever interactions with both sides of this couple. That sounds great on the surface. And then call yourself. Unicorn is like yeah i can throw this. Label fits this neat little box. Yeah but the reality of the situation is that like leads to finding a lot of predatory behaviors from both directions lead. Like if you have somebody that describes himself as a unicorn hunter. They're probably not the kind of person you kind of persons quote unquote ri-. Yeah even someone that describes himself user. Both people found a relationship with a couple recruitment from wrong. You're not like running around saying unicor. It's said a i think that's probably the key different okay. So i'm approaching this all wrong. Because i've been wanting to explore this world. In my transitional phase in i keep like swiping on couples on tinder. None of the most white back think. I'm like oh aggressive. I'm going to like your research late on him. I'm desperate thinking back or not So let's talk about specifics of i guess unicorn relationship just say relationship with a relationship with a couple. We'll get rid of the unicorn. Turn over to their house tonight. What do you think will happen We will probably get stoned and watch. Tv in drink scotch. And i might convince them to go and do whiskey workout with me and then it was he workouts where you drink as much scotch as possible while you lift weights. Loudly care best. This is your relationship mostly platonic or sex. Come in i mean sex comes in here and there. We are your your by sexual partners. Yeah i feel like wh one of the most romantic moments of our relationship altogether was like wall. She was getting ready like going down on him like make sure that he stayed hard so she could come out like fuck him immediately. After the my fair in that technically the truth to sexually the three of you guys are involved. Have you had one okay. Okay and then. What happens i guess in any relationship. How do you schedule your time. Favorite quotes about being poly-amorous at all. Is that all poly-amorous. Relationships are hierarchical. Your primary relationship is with the calendar. I don't know. I'm kind of their strikeout. Just wondering and most i'll do they take you out on dates vice versa. Yeah i mean like we all go out on its. I wouldn't say that it's like they're taking me out or vice results like yeah. Let's go didn't that. Sounds like a lovely time. And what about like family events to go to leave you. I i i was. I was in their wedding parties. Parts of their family. No clamours everybody getting naked before they got in the hot tub play the parts that did knows like they're they're just close friends because there's not much sexual contact happening there. The orgy that happened later that night was that that was behind closed doors. You like seeing them before. They were married than yoga. Bill we got married couples go. So i think that's like another myth about i'm just saying like i guess like from Lake you here in media knock. This is right or not another myth. That i've heard is like typically it ends.
00:15:02 - 00:20:03
It's a lot of times married couples that are older. It take in someone that is younger. Have you guys experienced. That are yes was. That was your couple much older yet. They are pretty significantly older than me. A really help can. Can you tell us how much. I'm actually not entirely sure how old she But i'm twenty to forty. Okay so w age. Yeah they've been married for a while okay and then. Did you have sexual relationships with them. One on one will ira. Julie just started like seeing the both of them like never separately or anything like that but then a little bit further down the line. I started hanging out more one on one with the male part of the couple. It was that sort of the evolution of the relationship or was that more that she stepped back or he stepped forward. Whichever i think part of it how did you like she started dating people independently. But yeah i would say definitely closer to him. We keep in contact. I talked to him anytime that we all all three of us hang out together. Armley coordinating through him. Okay so he was at google calendar. It's interesting i know i met. I met through her than he ended up taking like the. I don't know exactly how to say it but initiative. Yeah so did the three of you guys go out on dates as well and like hung out. What about family events. Oh my god now. Do their friends know about you about me. Not like sometimes hang out with them in their friends on. I'm not sure how much their friends knew about the nature of our relationship. But i would like go to a bar with a bunch of their friends and we don't run in the exact same circles overlap but people could've seen you friend. How deep were your feelings for them. Did you feel like you were falling in love No i would say that. We had like a pretty solid foundation of friendships. Definitely care about me. They'd been super supportive. It's been on and off thing for several years foot. Just judas strange timing. They play common to my life. Like very weird periods like me going through a break So when you need the old yeah. So he's not. Necessarily when. I need them most because there have been a couple of times where they come back around and i'm like i can't do this right now late yeah. Ls how deep are your feelings for them. I i love them along. I guess it's hard to quantify. I don't think it's really possible for me to compare to any other partners that i've had or have is each of those relationships are unique. Have the relationships with people who do not engine parison to some other relationship. That i have that i'm holding. You didn't standard of this other person. I don't think that's fair to anybody involved in litigation. It's a specific to your relationship with them. Do you feel lie. You have stronger feelings for one person over the other or do those feelings. Kind of fluctuate. I would say the fluctuate in the leg. When i'm hanging out with one over the other. I feel more connected with them. Because i'm like interacting with them at that point in time but it's not really comparison that i making like i am not looking to say like i am closer with this person in these measurable ways by put down my points sheet. They've got more points at the end of the day like that. that's insane. that's not the way to build a healthy relationship. What sounds like you very much. View them as a unit in. That's a lot of your interactions. Were it sounds like some of yours. At least recent has been more with the male counterpart who do you ever bicker and fight them. Now i would say like we're pretty squarely in friends with benefits territory. So have you ever witnessed them fight with each other. I've been on the leg. Want to check in to give us some alone time. Oh you know i. They're tactful people. They're not really interested in having in front of another person close with them or charlotte to you ever witness fight now. Sounds like a great relationship. The first time you both have been in a relationship with a couple or the other instances probably no not probably i have definitely like slept in hooked up with people like who are in a couple yes yeah individuals individual. Yes well we know that's true. I just thought of something but it was like it was like me and my boyfriend at the time. Sort of like dating another couple couples so never adjust never cop love. I've done that before. A partner mind at the time was we were emotionally monogamous. And also more listening another couple. It was two couples dating each other. It was not like four of sitting. Okay got two units your package. And they came as a packet god. Who is this. The first time that you've been kind of with just a couple in a relationship.
00:20:03 - 00:25:00
I think so. Wow that we both aren't sure there's only one of his allies. I mean i think so in that like there have been many things. Yeah and i feel like. I need to think about like what i would probably would would under the final budget for things like what is dating. What is like is this a relationship. I know you alluded those more like friends with benefits. I guess how would you describe the type of relationship this is. my question would be. What's a commitment level. Yeah a new day like. Are you dating other people. I'm assuming yeah so it's not your monogamously dating this couple correct right. It's not like i. I was brought on as a third. That is now like the play thing of this couple of. That's the only only way that it can't be i. I can understand if that's your jam. That's had the kind of relationship that you're looking for. And i don't think anybody should be shamed for looking for that kind of relationship if you're doing that in a healthy way that's perfectly appropriate That is not the kind of relationship moving. So what if 'cause you're going over there unannounced tonight after this wouldn't be over there and they have another person that they're playing with their crushing the guest and sir okay. It's a relationship in the sense that it's definitely not just physical like you guys have an emotional connection but just like any other poly-amorous relationship you're bound to just being anonymous with them. Your your similar that you had an emotional or did you feel like yours is more physical I definitely think we a foundation of friendship for sure but there was never any sort of like expectations for example that i needed to tell them about my other partners. Anything like that like just thinking from like not a dealing a couple like i've had a friend of benefits for years that like we are friends and i like him at an emotional level that way i would never call it a relationship more like any a difference of i guess like how deep you're going with someone but it's not like just a plaything either like there's a line they are. I guess that's modern days. There's so many brevity is very line. There is a spectrum upon which you find yourself flying. I find it hard personally. Define whether i'm in a relationship or not in relationship or how important. It is to even call right. I have sex with most of my friends. That's a really poor denoted for me as environment relationship. Somebody or not that is not true for most people. Most people are great for light of their relationship. I i feel like. I'm so basic a mess because to me. Friends are off limits for me when it comes to sexual relationships of. You're my friend. I'm not having sex with you. If i'm having sex with your you're not my friend but what i find interesting. You're like i have sex with all my friends. And then if i fall in the relationship with my own relationship with them if i don't that it's still a friendship there you so what. What is that defining line between them in a relationship the racism now like i. I don't have a good answer for that for myself. Why are the majority of us. Were dating so hung up. On definition defining. The relationship are monogamous. Are we exclusive this nat- put so much pressure and parameters on friendship even when you're just like free form life whatever anything goes goes in your having your hard drive. The situation will. I would say that that is a like to address the first part of what you just said. Why do we want to have label because it makes lifeless complicated wanting to have something as difficult process as emotion be less complicated is obviously a very attractive thing. I have is free form as i am right now. Because that's where he married Let's not say this is a solid state of my life that must exist for more right. This is the conclusion that reached at this point in my life with twenty seven whole years of experience could change. Yeah have you thought about the end to this. I know that sounds really bad. But have you thought about like. How do you break up with a couple. How'd you step away from them hurting their feelings. Jealousy even to any of these words. Come to mind. I will burn those bridges when i get charlotte. I know like you said that. You're in a monogamous relationship now. Yeah we'll i've known them for like three or four years now. So i haven't always been in like a time in my life where i'm like available to do that kind of thing so i mean i guess you could say you know broken up with them like a couple times just been like. I'm not like in a place where this makes sense for me right now in a place where like i want this or i am a monogamous relationship. Whatever there's like a gazillion different things that could get in the way of that Anything so it just fades in and now like yeah say similar to any more cash analysts.
00:25:00 - 00:30:02
Say something but like we're we're like we're friends. Like first and foremost. I would say so. They just catching up. It's like we are on a boyfriend. Now okay cool yeah. How certainly like a to stop seeing each other right dramatic. Have you ever felt jealousy. Yeah no not really. I've always been doing my own thing to like when i met them. I had a boyfriend firm in this type of relationship. I don't wanna step on any toes. Thera married they're in love with each other. They're not necessarily poly-amorous they have an open relationship. They have sex with other people. But it's not my place to get like emotionally involved in their relationship Trista what about for you alice affiliate. You just don't get jealous. In general in general think everybody feels chelsea from tokyo. Whether it's you seeing a picture of a bunch of friends of yours out on facebook the next day after they just had a great time that you're completely platonic with all of them. There's no romantic or sexual attraction. And you see that you didn't get a money out without being exactly. Yeah sure i'm human. I experience jealousy. The the right way to deal with that is to not think like oh inadequate own like the the these are these negative emotions or like. I'm not supposed to feel this. Let me tamp down. Put way right way to deal with that address. It understand that your personal it feels these emotions and like think about it and observe and realizes within yourself. Think about why you're feeling this way. And at least he's other techniques that worked for me. I like the most monogamous person's life and you think about The friends that you have. How often do compare them to each other. Ever how much you like one friend better than the other friend. Let people do get jealous if they get left out at right exactly like it. It's the same. It doesn't mean that that feeling's not unreasonable. Feeling to have. It just means that you have to focus on processing especially around paulie relationships. There's a lot of focus on like you shouldn't ever feel jealousy league now. I'd feel jealousy. Motion feel knowledge. Here feelings wrote understand why you're feeling that where the root of that comes from. What's been like the most fulfilling part this relationship. It's time to take a break so we can tell you about the latest service. We have been building over here at dateable. We've created a platform to connect you with vetted experts from our network to help with everything from coaching with dating therapy dating profile reviews and even to get real feedback about your dating style. Sessions typically run from thirty minutes to hour. And can all be done via skype or google hangouts so you can be anywhere. Listeners have been sharing. How worthwhile their sessions have been with comments about how easy coaches to talk to how they have provided a new perspective and how they have created actionable ways to inspire change to meet the coaches and book your session. Today visit dateable podcasts dot com slash coaching. Now back to the show. What's been the most fulfilling part of this relationship. I don't know it's just nice to spend time with people that you like whether that's one person or two people or whatever to sachs's guide if you like them. Do you prefer it over a one on one relationship at now no life. I am the type of person where i do like to be league. Pretty leak emotionally committed and involved with somebody and poly-amorous can get dicey. I've seen relationships fail in lake poly-amorous situation because of a lack of boundaries in terms of your emotions so i do feel lake. Our relationship with a couple is not the place for mutilate fallen love in be emotionally ourselves. So you think it's just can't go that deep because everyone has like five other people based on my own personal experiences like being in a poly-amorous relationship the downfall of that relationship was falling in love with somebody else Sleeping with somebody who's fine falling in love with somebody destroyed it. I am a little bit. Emotionally cautious. are still hurt involved. Yes not trying to break up a marriage. Like i'm the type of person where like i do. Like i want a deep emotional connection with somebody i'd end. I know it probably doesn't sound like based on what i'm saying but like i do think i haven't monogamous tendencies. That's something that i want. The you're saying on tinder you're swiping right on. Every couple i was on. Tinder is doing the exact opposite. Like oh that's a couple. Never mind like they're cute but not labeled right years happened just of happened. But you didn't even know. Were rat gift with purchase that. That's yeah i mean. I do for the so interesting because it works only if the couple has a very strong foundation the and they're they've already communicated what it means to bring a third into the relationship.
00:30:02 - 00:35:03
I remember in college. My friend was She was married already in college and he he had brought in a third a female into the relationship and this woman moved in with them and she was fine with it and the three of them had a relationship and eventually if ruined their marriage because her husband ended up spending more time with this girl and then he wanted to have kids only with her and not with my friend his his wife. Those are the things that made talk about because they didn't even think about it at the time so they ended up getting a divorce and he went off with the the woman like in any relationship. You have to communicate. What are the consequences where things we need to be watching out for and also. How do we support each other through this yaounde even beyond communicating things that you might not know you might not know how you're going to want to react to a situation you might think that you're gonna react someway again. Then it's different new communicate to them like yeah this thing that you wanna do is totally cool and then you're halfway into that shit like i can't deal with that. I thought that i could. You can revoke consent at any time. Don't feel like you need to like. Have this untenable relationship because you said this is something that iran k with from do if it sucks. Say like hope ship like. I'm sorry i thought this was gonna be okay and relationship strapped to across across in three lashes. Gonna ask you the same question asked charlotte though. Do you prefer a relationship with a couple versus relationship. A one on one. I don't think you can make that comparison reasonably. I think i liked the relationships with the people that i have relationships with. And whether that's a couple or one on one or more is the relationships that i have with those people in those specific context and saying one on one versus a couple versus literally anything else to try to define that as against over simplifications. I feel like alice just wants to slap me every time i asked these coaches true paulie every point of view. Or you're saying that you probably are more arguments. Yeah you really know yourself. Garesh the other side. What was like fulfilling to them in this relationship. I'm young and cute obvious seeing a little late tugging cheek there but you know. I just think it's like i said earlier. It's it's nice to spend time around people. That you enjoy late. Scrimmage it i mean i'm sure it varies right like i'm sure there's some couples that are use it to escape a bad marriage and then there's other couples that are probably just using it as like in addition in something fun and interesting enhancement every possible variants right. What you're looking for like any relation exactly so let's talk about the terms florida's a loaded term. I'll reread the first sentence. A unicorn is bisexual. Person usually though not always female who is willing to join an existing couple often with the presumption that this person will date and become sexually involved with both members of that couple and not demand anything or do anything which might cause problems or inconvenience is a very narrow definite at term that is I don't know i mean i. I've heard the term unicorn used more tongue in cheek than i have. Like as actual term describing. Somebody like it's more joking Seventies eighties swinger like terrible porno. That you just watch Age it's a super hetero normative statement late. this sounds like top definition letter. I think if you are a to begin the dissection of one piece of that siemens say like why. Why would it needs to be a bisexual. Usually woman joining a heterosexual relationship. Sure there's a different terms that you can try and pick out for a gay or lesbian or otherwise relationships. Third person metro join. But i think realistically way what you're trying to do is find this for this. Wants to exist with other people the the way in which you wanna do that like clearly between charlotte nile. There's a very significant difference in the way which we still.
00:35:03 - 00:40:00
This grange right right like we. We haven't treated this same thing in the same way even though you could theoretically try and slap the label unicorn on brother buys. It's just you know. This is not a one-size-fits-all thing and in fact using the term unicorn is to me is more associated with lou looking for a unicorn. Hunter that is this couple. That's looking for this idyllic. I watched too many threesomes worn relationship. That way is looking for a young girl to join us. Couple stereotype the stereotype. So like living stereotype here. Charlotte's ask serotypes like let's try and come up with ways to continue to rehash the more deeply any other thoughts about the definition. I mean i've never. I've never been like a unicorn i really. I'm just a person. I always thought that people call them unicorns because like it's so rare to find like a young typically a young girl who has into both members of like in hawaii yeah I think that is a definition as well. That's where i thought that term came from. I've definitely seen more unicorn hunters absolutely law our there. We just just just visualize what a unicorn hunter just picture i speak nobody like a rainbow. Camouflage though and era with a rainbow at the end that is so old straight up this this is not is not the term hunter innovates definition. Lee predatory totally today feels like a lot of the times they. That's like a big reason. Why whenever you see that going on tinder like no thanks. I don't wanna like. I don't want to be part of the whatever weird dynamic y'all have going on we're just looking for like a young girl. Tinder true. I really don't want anything to do. Without the support of you from gathering you like are off for having a relationship with a couple as long as it's organic as long as it's like you being equal party in the sas it's it's when it becomes like this weird like we're trying to like find this person strange Weird pressure on it and like all these expectations that you are looking for somebody. Like slow filled out stereotype. Do lord knows what near boring marriage. Sean my job. Like i don't want to be your spice this the fact that this definition says like you're not going to have your own needs here just at the mercy of this you are. Yeah let me back to what you were saying about like. Who benefits more. This definition definitely makes benefit a party. Yeah absolutely have to drink unicor blood to stay alive. Nobody thinks either. So many i feel like that definition. Unlike the common stereotype sort of lake removes our like in autonomy from the third person of florida. It's like you were trapped. Yeah caught one all this other. This is something else i've heard is like again. You guys are probably get to stimulate. Mrs such bogus. But this is something that's floating out on the internet. If there is basically the single person that's joining the couple is at some sort of like low in their life or just frustrated with being single. There's often that they're not ready to be in a relationship. This may be more of a monogamous d- point of view like something that's not poly-amorous to begin with. And they go to the couple to get like comfort and learn how to be in a relationship and then they essentially get to a point where the couple also was benefiting from the s in now no longer is the single person has got it enough confidence to flourish on their own in like set them free of a single person. Find someone off. There's many movies made about faith. Though i can see his face as this was like a bad lifetime movie. It really sounds like you can't hurt. I don't think i have ever heard of that happening. Ever young google a lot of storylines e about either doesn't like reflect with my experience. I'll also i had a boyfriend met this couple so it's not like i was like a single desperate.
00:40:01 - 00:45:01
This is what the media does though they kind of want to. They want to one normalize but also explain why these sort of configurations of relationships happen to the mass public. Never been exposed to so they had to give a reason for why a couple would wanna take on third. You know it kind of makes sense. They have to develop these storylines. They could just be like. Oh they dissolve fell in love and also hanging out together. Because we're watching. The movie would be like that doesn't make sense. It doesn't happen rule. I like the way that it actually happens. You'll so much more normal than that. I really go find a couple who knows nourishment time each me how to be in a relationship then release me into my own natural habits but finding people that you like spending time with and spending time with them that makes sense. That's not an interesting lifetime movie about the not going to get for that. This is. I love this having this conversation because again even if you are not in a situation like this or dating a couple you can still learn from this. Just shows you. There's so many different configurations variations of a relationship. And you can't just be like. Oh well a unicorn is this. That's like saying the person is this right angle. Maybe gordon right. Id died so what are some other takeaways. i think one is It's great to hear extreme situations to understand your own situation so not one-size-fits-all like any relationship and you can't. I'm learning like you can't use other people's experiences to dictate what you're going to go through. It's not like oh. Tell me about your unicorn situation because it's gonna apply to my Couple it's not every relationship is so different so we can't think about it that way and then i feel like with all of these different configurations of relationships. There's still about other human beings so instead of treating them as a vessel were still having relationships with other humans which means feelings are involved There's there's all sorts of dynamics involved we have to just be sensitive to that and remove the rules for what you see that you're saying like i have sex with all my friends. That's why i like them. Because i have sex with them around because i liked him. I don't like them. Because i have sex with them. Black and white like for me. I can't have sex with my friends while now. Dammit i wanna have sex law now i go into but it just shows that we have the reason why sometimes we get so fatigued by dating is because we place these rules we confine ourselves to well if this happens than this can't happen or if if i don't experience this and then this can happen. It's a domino effect. Because when you're going through so unique to who you are and who you are right now so stop putting these boundaries on what what. You should be feeling. Yeah i think mine takeaway cut falls into your aspect that everyone's stories different and again to these leg awful definitions that encompass everything Especially if i love having you guys on because you're able to share your story and we don't just point to urban dictionary it is and i think it's important because it's not just with dating couples. We've had this happened. We had guests. That i talked about dating threat. And she was like it is not how every media portrayal makes it seem. Yeah and there's so many aspects like this that range and all shapes and forms and i think yes like. I'm not saying that we can't pay attention to media and entertainment but don't use that as like the only like truth like in anything. Yeah how about. We give some advice for people who are entering into a situation like this. So let's go from the single person's side entering into relationship with a couple win advice would you give a adopted cat food I was just like communicate like your needs in your feelings Be conscious of others needs and feelings cheeses exact same advice any i list glibly Not just you can try. Try and be honest and genuine with people.
00:45:01 - 00:50:01
And i mean i think the only thing that you can really ask anybody ever is to try to be the most Themselves to you and try to. Have you be your most genuine soft them try it. Try and be and that being said to like nobody succeeds in anything ever one hundred percent of the time. You're not perfect. You're gonna fuck up is gonna fuck out. It's the nature of being that happens and you have to let yourself off the hook as long as you treated as learning experience and what about s a couple who is starting to develop feelings for someone not that any of us are have this experience but i think from the definition again. If you're a couple treat someone like a human objects you're gonna go from the urban dictionary either. I think like what charlotte you mentioned. This is a relationship like any other. I a lot of stuff you said about someone like cycling in of your life years. And it's not really drastic break up like i can relate that to my own situation with one person. Just because you're with the couple is not really that different. It's just the circumstances different. Yeah that's the thing is it. All of this has felt like very like organic a natural normal. They weren't a unicorn hunt how to real. Well i mean also as a couple. I you really have to communicate with your partner before taking on a third person into your lives because you have to make sure that you're both on the same page and also establish some boundaries. Right you gotta ny nyu new cool all right anything else that we can offer up to people who are curious about this topic want to learn more. I don't know i get off tinder. O your local bars somewhere. There's other human beings. What's the opposite of a unicorn. Hunter a couple hundred. I don't think that's the thing either of these things. Actually things i've really. I don't remember ever talk to ed. I really want to date a couple i do. We actually had someone that. Listen to this podcast. That was inspired to date a couple. I think just like gary. The poly-amorous like benny keats episode In she did seek out couples after then absolute dating a couple of success she went fee dates the couple two thousand one but i guess like maybe like i like this holy organic thing and it's like if you're the couple that on tinder trying to like be so forceful with the i. It could work for the right person but it also could not work to. Yeah that's true. Well i love it i love. I think i love that we found to unicorns and who are not actually walk by definition humans the prelates are your have your definition of a unicor is one of a kind and you want to hear your snowflakes like unicorns. All on we're going discuss your cornwall's bounds. Does your business as you can see on the internet. We added new addiction to review the card hall on. They're if not we need to start back. Hashtag whiskey working out of the possible okay. We're going to wrap this up for listeners. If you want to add to this discussion. Are you unicorn hunter. We're saying that the you know maybe do exist. Our do find the temporary offense. Or we'd like to hear from you or you like to date. Ellis contact us. Charlotte is off the market right now. But we love connecting people reach out to us and we love having people on the show who are here to enlighten us on on different configurations of relationships and love and human connections so with asset. Vernon wrap this up. Stay little your action. Item for this week is to think of a type of relationship that feels foreign to you and then go seek out a story from someone who is in this type of relationship and instead of approaching it in a way of i wanna see how shocking this could be approaching away of. What can i learn from this type of relationship. This episode of dateable is brought to you by five hundred brunches.
00:50:01 - 00:51:18
Five hundred branches connect like minded people with similar interests to meet in real life over brunch. You answer a questionnaire about your interest and how you spend your time. And then they'll match you in small groups of sixty eight at a brunch spot in san francisco get a free entry into a brench now by signing up at five hundred brunches dot com and using the code date able. If you didn't know already we have a revamped website with articles videos and content. All about modern dating you can also find our premium y series where we dissect analyze and offer solutions to some of the most common dating conundrums. We've had some great feedback. About how actionable these episodes are so check them out on our website or items music also visit the site today to see the latest about coaching for we connect you with dateable approved experts to help with everything from digging profile reviews coaching and even gathering real feedback about your dating style in a personalized and affordable way to connect with us visit dateable. Podcast dot com. You can also find us on facebook twitter and instagram. All under dateable podcasts. Don't forget to subscribe an auto download the podcast on itunes. Or your favorite podcast player. So you never miss an episode.