S7E14: Nothing to Lose

Dateable Podcast
October 16, 2018
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October 16, 2018

S7E14: Nothing to Lose

We talk about low-risk yet bold ways to approach in real life, taking initiative on dating apps, and how the “rules” of gender roles continue to dwindle every passing generation.

Nothing to Lose

Amanda shares how she took her dating life into her own hands by making the first move with men. We talk about low-risk yet bold ways to approach in real life, taking initiative on dating apps, and how the “rules” of gender roles continue to dwindle every passing generation.

S7E14 Nothing to Lose

00:00:00 - 00:05:07

The Dateable podcast is an insider's look into modern dating that the Huffington post calls one of the top ten podcast about love and sex. On each episode, we'll talk to real daters about. From sex parties to sex droughts, date fails a diaper fetishes and first moves to first loves. I'm your host Yue Xu, former dating coach turned dating sociologists. You also hear from my co host and producer Julie Krafchick as we explored this crazy dateable world.

This episode of dateable is brought to you by five hundred brunches. Five hundred branches connects like minded people with similar interests to meet in real life over brunch. You answer a questionnaire about your interest and how you spend your time. And then they'll match you in small groups of sixty eight at a brunch spot in san francisco. Get a free entry into a french now by signing up at five hundred brunches dot com and using the code date able everyone. Welcome to another episode of dateable of show all about modern dating. We've everyone welcome to another episode of dateable a show all about modern dating. We've visited this topic before but we're going to bring it back because it's such a popular topic people wanna talk about. It's all about making the first move as a woman and so our guest today. Her name is amanda. She has some words of advice for all of us who are thinking about making the first move and maybe are not accustomed to doing that so just a little background about is. She's been san francisco for six months or from san jose. She's twenty six years old. And currently in a monogamous relationship. Enlighten us. amanda how do it. How do you make the first move. It's a little bit of background Four year relationship that ended about a year ago. So i have about a year of being single in a big city on kind of just introduction to modern dating as we know it so before i was in this long term relationship dating apps we just met like in college or whatever and so now. I'm getting more familiar with the scene. And it's just been really slow like if you are a single girl and you're going out to the bars and especially in san francisco more than other places if you are expecting like someone to approach you like you're not gonna it's not gonna doesn't happen. I don't know if it's the men here or if it's just the new age where like people have twenty five people their pocket at any given time with why would they take at risk and put themselves out there and like talk to someone at a bar. That might be single. Might not be interested in man but my soul in the current environment of metoo at like you know when are they overstepping their boundaries. Yeah it's very confusing as a lot of things. Working against people being proactive and aggressive. Your true may probably been shut down a million times yeah. I think i was expecting a lot of that being single but of course that's not going to change much when you're in a relationship be bought the bardo. No you're single anyways. I don't know what is expecting. But i kind of just got sick of just like waiting around and hoping that guy crossbar. We're talk to me and so it started very like is very hesitant at first took a lot of like eating my friends coming with me to talk to them guys or the friends actually doing all the talking me i think i got into this habit in groups something that ended up working. So what do you have a formula that can follow. Do you have a line. They use each time. Do you have like specific body. Language gives all the dirt. Yeah i think. I want to start with the entry level to build into the confidence because she's a lot of guts. Just walk up to someone and like either compliment them or like started gravitation. Because it's very obvious like what you're doing if you're a woman approaching a man is they don't expect it so kind of the first step is watching for like i contact. It's very hard to approach a group or some guys at a bar. Who aren't interested in talking to you because you'll of course be when they're here. Do not do their friends or their here to drink after a long day. It's not a recommended. Just approach anyone. They should show some form of interest in so. I usually look like that. I i contact okay. Your eyes have met okay that sense because people are going for various reasons. Yeah being relationships they could just be catching up. But i would argue. No is going to be upset about a girl approaching the meta bar. Even they didn't go to meet someone still going to welcome that with open arms will allow. I don't know they're not approachable. 'cause like if they're caught off guard or they're in serious conversation they might be more out more hasn't anyway so but if they make eye contact with you it's it's probably find. They weren't so engage in our current congressman. Ryan patrick great. That is what you look for necklaces. And depending on how like gutsy. You're feeling you could just go over there and just like make conversation or you can invite your girlfriend or your guy friend just walk over there and like casually hanging around and then like mentioned something general like oh what drink are you having or i can go to Often something like that.

00:05:07 - 00:10:02

It's kind of a friendly casual group setting. So what were some of the other like conversation openers that you would you. Oh my gosh. It's super super funny. Has like in the beginning. This is all kind of knew. It was new to my friends to down a common thing. Well yeah it's not done successfully. So i remember the one of the first time i did it I contact with this guy at a bar like five times. I was like okay. It's very clear that like he's interested. I'm interested like what happens next. And like usually. I would just way and hope that he would crouch me and like go home kind of disappointed. Like what could have been right. He never approached night. Yeah and so. I was sick of those nights like it had been. Maybe like six months of being single on iowa's like complaining to my friend i was like man. This guy and i have been locking is for like the last twenty minutes. I'm to sober to jim. I wouldn't know and she's like you're like let's just go over there together and this is my roommate. She's super sleet. So we lock over course. He noticed we've been looking at each other like my roommate. I'm never having done this before. Like recently new not since college. She looks at him and she goes. Hey he's like hey and she's like what are your hobbies my man so i would be leiria totally choked and it was like kind of outward. Then he's like what are your hobbies. And then i started talking about like okay like rock climbing cavalier. I'm new to the city. And then that's when he was like okay have something to work with and they start talking about iraq climbing visiting this conversation eventually. She laughed and like we were talking hitting off because of the night ended ten minutes after. We exchanged numbers. Can actually we like start attacking each other and it was like the interaction was funny because we were texting. You wanna go on a day like that longer than five minutes or do you wanna meet like got all your hobbies and i actually ended up dating that guy for like the next mon- more promising than most people i mount dating one online dating and dating apps. We're there anytime that you made the first move there on the dating apps fumble which the woman is expected to make the first move. But that's really just like that first interaction. it's not expected of a woman to like the personnel on a day yet on the bumble generally. But i didn't know that. When i joined bubble i got you is all women. Women do everything like initiate ask on date follow and so i was approaching it as such i like. It wasn't only intel. Like maybe two months after i like was talking to my friend's house Having trouble finding like date spots to suggest like why are you doing that like. Aren't you supposed to be doing a lot. And they're like no like bumble. The women like opens a conversation. You don't necessarily have do anything after saying hi and so i did take that. Yeah very. it's what were the guys reactions. Be like god forbid needless to say a lot of days basically being directed like i think a lot of women myself included. I feel like. I have the opener on bubble gets really awkward yet. So like what would you would just take it to the next level. Be like let's meet up and that's kind of another thing. It's not expected for you to like ask someone on for state. You're kind of just waiting around in this conversation that could on for the limbaugh like it's really nice like take initiative and make the first move on end. Take control of your own dating life really. That is so fascinating. Because i had a conversation with a guy friend about bumble and i said what are your expectations of the women on bumble and he is like i just expect the woman to do everything i expect the woman to open to ask me out to san and he said is really disappointing. Because the only messages i get are like. Hey hello hi now. So i think there's a little bit of confusion with how people you fumble. Because i think a lot of women like myself use it as an opener and then i wait for the guy has it. Yeah literally it allows died because it is probably also wondering while you open made that first move so maybe we should all clarify right now. You're woman on bubble out just to do nothing to lose you. Carry this to other dating apps or a just bumble. Yeah that's a thing it was like. It started off in person. I was like. I don't really care what's going to happen. The worst thing that happens is they're not interested in.

00:10:02 - 00:15:11

You have two minutes of small top with strangers that app and most of the time that has happened in your. I've approached someone and they ended up like being relationship. Are they where with friends and they wanted to get back to. Their fragile always made like a few friends that we would facebook. Afterwards it was always scruple always like the worst case. You made a new friend or connection as not bad. You're right aso and but you're talking about in person and that mentality of like punching. Someone in person really gave me the confidence. i don't. i have nothing to lose an. I definitely don't have anything to is online like they. I don't know this person. They're real person. Talking damn bought. Was there any time. that didn't go. Well now i would have to say two times where it didn't go well. It was just like either awkward. I'm kind of the outgoing person. I can pretty much talked to a wall and so it usually ended up like just like i was really nice to meet you right. Okay i mean what is the worst. That could happen that they can say. I'm in a relationship more. I'm not gonna to say that women don't say that relationship even if you're not you dislike. I need to get going or something. Never liked your disgusting human being like no. It's the same fear though right area your of rejection that we have in all of us and we talked about this on previous episodes. Men are so much better handling rejection in this context because they've been doing it all their lives they shrink coach yang and asking out women handle it a lot harder because we aren't used to being rejected because we don't do asking out a you're saying and this is i feel like this is a numbers game the more times you approach the less that fear gets so then the less fearful you get when approaching people get better at it. I also think there's like type of scale at how aggressive you wanna come. I feel like a lot of come on big very aggressive immediately. Compliment your say something. So awkward Grimy yeah but like if you project casualty can't reject you because you haven't really done anything. But i ri- amanda if two guys came up to me at a bar and asked me what my hobbies are like. What the fuck he's not talking to you. Right really weird okay. Let's backtrack a few the hottest guy ever you. Crawley have that same reaction to like. This guy was like this is awkward. But let's see. If i can work with and i guess president that was set where you guys were making eye contact. So there was some sort of attraction that was already established. He's i wasn't just like cold. Calling some ryan okay. The keys snap one. Make eye contact. I went up. Yeah so okay. So besides what are your hobbies. What were some other more six. Sls you re raise the line. I l dot to say what are your hobbies. Let's see gasoline show. Taylor later revealed her. Name's actually melissa came on the show and said one of her favorite lines was at pretending she could read the menu and saying i forgot my glasses. Can you re. Oh the are or like i recognize you from somewhere. I know yeah. Have you done any of these sort of laugh. At even more bold. Because did she mention if she had an eye contact with them. Be now known. I 'cause you the cold caller. How would it takes for that. That's fine it's different more like icon contact. If that you'll just make like summing wake yeah mine's very low risk but another line. That was like funny and i just want to kind of get this out. So people don't feel like pressure on when you approach someone you have to say like the perfect thing really. You can just say anything. So there's this one case novella another good pickup spa and i am making making context this guy competing like the last two minutes and then my friend had called an uber and i was i. I had a mask. The courage like approaches. I know is going to and then my friends no ubers here. I think we gotta go now. Nasdaq and i started walking out out the door. I was like all the regrets hitting me. I was like oh no like what kind of is like i knew i was one. Shot duty men. But i had a confidence do like. Hey wait like uber. like. I'm just talk this guy real quick and my friends what guy and then i ran to the back of the back of novella and so awkward at this win is like there's no one there and it's like him and his friend in the back and i'm like i just go there and greg greg over there threes on like wait. What am i going to stay far. He's uses a. He was really cute. He's gotta be coming back from the around and him and his there smiling.

00:15:11 - 00:20:03

Of course looking at me and i'm like hi i'm amanda and then they're like hi. I'm alex hi. I'm joe and then yeah and then i was like you guys look really cool. I not we were making. I don't really remember what i was just like. I thought like i should say hi. I think that's exactly how i and you're like yeah. I is at high. Alex was like My mind if i get your number About to uber to chambers right now and so like maybe you guys join us tonight. Okay maybe then got his number and then went chambers fifteen minutes later they show up and the bar they're buying all my friends like shots and i'm having to scramble time night and they're talking about three months. Wow i love it man right. I want you to cancel bolts but it's also low pressure. Yeah super super low risk but okay so i do wanna say this though. You're a very pretty girl but not everybody's going to elicit the same response. So what would you say for people who are like trying to muster up the courage who may not be as attractive. Were have the energy that you give off. Which is like you're an extrovert in your fun. Your like social out there and don't say drinking either. Because i mean we all know that liquid courage get somewhere muster up that courage to talk to people. Yeah and assuming like no contact with this person. Will you know to talk about i. Contact for a sec because you keep talking icon day. Very seem times. I've been to a bar and notice anybody Contact because i'm not mcgahn town. We need to be more aware. Have friends to swear by. Also i've always had trouble with me. Yes like awkward when they're looking at when they're looking when you look at them and they see you you've gotta hold it for you gotta be right and i'm always like staring down or my not look dom yeah i know it's it's very casually luck is it's obviously awkward. Usually like hold it longer than you just like like laughing often like look down. But you're like styling and that's usually not. Eminent is the universal signal data that it's so hard to master because you have to hold it. They say for five seconds or longer they save way long time so okay so maybe for people who are not as extroverted. Maybe they can just practice making icons asher. Maybe that's step number one right. But also i would dare say that even if you're not attractive or even if your awkward like approaching someone the worst thing that could happen to you is i. Conversation is five lines. It's not that bad right because if you don't come off like immediately like will you be right to lose. Well taylor said on her episode. Which i thought was brilliant was she would approach is herself but she knew she had a support network behind her zone. Her friends will be at the table. Her train of thought was if i get rejected. I have a group of awesome france. Go back to with income awesome as well so maybe like having that support network we. Are you having a friend worker front especially that friend goes with you. Yeah right your case. Just make sure they don't ask a damn question or do how did you in your current boyfriend meet you. Guys met on hinge in the who message. I think he liked me. I open competition. What did you open with comment about his picture. Something who has who As jamaica when we matched and i was like want to get back to the city. I gotta catch up on my dating. I haven't been on a day at weeks. I have time. And so. I just look down my absent i suggested. Hey like what. Are you doing on sunday at ten pm is literally my flight lens. Oh my gosh. let's get back to it. I feel like i've been very relaxed. Vacation is when i get back into the dow so edition basically make the first move. I had like half of my head was graded from. I did not care. I guess that's kind of a great takeaway or you just have zero flux. Get them cares yet. Nothing to lou. Yeah this your life in you said. I want to get back into the dating the minute island so this is going to be that person. Maybe a little bit of my eyes on this vacation of all inclusive. I was with my friends and everyone else How long have you been together.

00:20:03 - 00:25:00

Midnight three months and has he ever brought that up like the fact that you were the one that initiated So i think it's interesting. 'cause you're in your mid twenties and we aren't reducing generation difference of approaching like older men and older women in their thirties. Forties have more traditional viewpoints. A lot at hersher. Don't wanna speak for everyone. But just overall i think people in their twenties the millennial generation's little whore light. I don't give out all in no rule. Yeah like the gender roles. Cross your mind. The man masumi now the only place where it gets kind of awkward is like just the first date ping. Yeah yeah yeah. So how do you deal with that. I mean i always offered to pay on for state. And i always minute and i don't get like mad if i end up paying hatton. Hey i offered and actually gets fair but it's usually a sign a bad sign if they let you pay on the first thing i think a lot of women feel that way but i think mark if you're the one asking i i also i personally have been on a date where the guy asked me picked the super nice restaurant in men. He actually like having to pay half the bill. The bill and i was pissed. Like you don't know my financial situation know anything about the. If you want to pay half go to coffee your drinks what are your like. I state suggestions. If you're the the one making that move. I i wouldn't go to an expensive place on for state occasionally like hoppy drinks surrogate easy dinner. Who might yeah i guess. Why do other people think it's a bad time. I think it's bad time because in the view times it happened to me. Like maybe like handful of times like the person wasn't interested. Okay yeah sign. They're not initially. It's not care. Money loss. Like i offered state because i think it also works the other way because i know for me in. We've talked about this year. The same way you'll pay for the whole thing if you're not at all like i don't i feel bad like taking this from someone. Yeah like if. I know. I have no intention. I guess there's not really a rival Early they need to do an episode about this and we keep talking about. I love to hear from some men about this. Because i also has some guy friends who would say if she offers to pay. I'm gonna let her because she might be angry. If i don't honestly i just think it's such a personal thing it is. There's not really a right answer. It could be that they are interested in be that they want to empower you as yeah exactly how many things. I don't know if we can make any action on the first thing. Yeah we'll do wrong guy friends who say if she offers to pay 'em taking that as a sign that she wants know that we're equals yup and i will give i think the takeaway from this. There's no on any of it. I know you can't make any assumptions. So if you are willing to pay than just offer and you just have to expect that you might have to pay back to in the generals. I know you obviously have no qualms on the clearly raking leaves. What about your friends and like other people your age range. Yeah the majority of my female friends will not ask them out on that first day that they are doing it like consciously up. Just they're not used to it. It's really a muscle that you have to exercise so you're kinda different in the way you approach dating than your friends. Yes say that sound like. Do they talk to you about this. How different you are approaching men or do they wanna be more life that or fair question. I think we kind of avoid talkie mount it because we maybe be fundamentally disagree. It's not among women. What is that. They don't wanna be set up for like that rejection. They don't wanna put in that effort. You are putting yourself on the line. Yeah so that's interesting. Because i was gonna say like before we were talking about like has just generations changed like women's equality gender roles but it sounds like it's not silly that it's more about the rejection still that women just are hard differently than we fear that more or i guess for years past. We weren't expected. Yeah hasn't gone away well. I feel like amanda generation. They're getting like the consequences of our generation. Which is we send these very conflicting signals alligator one on one hand. We say i want the guy to approach me at a bar and on the other hand where like i wanna take control of my situation an independent woman and win julian. I talked to brian. How we on a previous episode. He was like stopped. Saying you're an independent woman because that's just signals that you don't need men. It was a very interesting. Does that ask sally.

00:25:00 - 00:30:01

How would see it right right but then men are just confused. You do appreciate about what amanda saying sort of. It's sort of representative of people in their twenties. Which is like. I don't know what the rules are. I of just wanna do things my way. Yeah i this is how i want my dating life to look then. I will do that. You know i will. I will go approach this person. Or i have no qualms about asking someone out the minute. I land from for our generation. I feel like they're still levitt of a filter do anything we're always thinking. Consequences does not suffice. You brought the rules up. Because i feel like our generation there were mean even the generation for there was like the rules like though text. i like all these masonry day. Any user even worse. And i think like are people in their thirties and forties still have some of that but it also adapted to the new way where i don't like have you even heard of the rules and reference beat. That stuff has gone away. And i think some of like internet podcast like it's been more real stories opposed to light years hypothetical rule book that you should apply to every dating situation. Yeah no situational information at all. I remember in college. My friend christine and i had a list of rules with our crushes. She and i sat down. We printed out this list of rules. It was like do not make eye contact for more than three seconds. Do not answer his phone calls. There was no texting back then. So do not have phone calls. I ring like it was twenty s. And we thought that's how you get men yet was by a abiding by some men. Think that way too. Because i actually remember having this conversation with her by friend's boyfriend who is in his late thirties early forties in then another friend that was like twenty five or twenty six two guys and the first older guy was made a comment. Like one of the reasons like my friend got him is really exact words. She played the game right in my all time. Like the stuff in like the guy in his twenties was just like what are you talking about. Give didn't even register but the guy like in his late thirties Not everyone this is one person. Yeah but he made a comment like oh yeah like it was too easy. I wouldn't have been interested. But i don't think other manner thinking that way anymore. So what would you say to a guy who says. Hey i really enjoy the chase and if the woman makes it too easy i lose interest. What would you say to something like that. It's time to take a quick break so we can tell you about elitist service. We have been building over here dateable. We've created a platform to connect you with vetted experts from our network to help with everything from coaching with dating therapy dating profile reviews and even ways to get real feedback about your dating style. A session sixty run from thirty minutes to an hour. And can all be done via skype or google hangouts. So you can be anywhere. Listeners have been sharing how worthwhile their sessions have been with comments about. How easy the coaches to talk to how they have provided a new perspective and how they have created actionable ways to inspire change to meet the coaches and book your session today visit dateable podcast dot com slash coaching. Now back to the show. So what would you guys say to a guy who says. Hey i really enjoy the chase and if the woman makes it too easy i lose interest. What would you say to someone like that. Let's you don't wanna deep. Yeah ray that who he is like he should probably be undulations ship with someone who likes to chase. I think i would say to Similar to what. Amanda said is like one. Do you wanna be spending all your time chasing some guy like if you're in that relationship until you lock down. Do you want that relationship to. The second piece is yet no. I don't either second is. Does he really want a relationship or in the game Okay so that's a lot about where they are in. I think so. I personally think when people are really gained focused. It means that they're not ready for something. Right okay amanda. This is a question for you when you were out there dating and if you did approach a guy that you if you're really attracted to him and he ends up not being asked interested in you. Did it ever cross your mind to win him over. How do i get him interested in me. How do i get the ball back in my more interesting now. Because i mean if you're a really approaching someone and they're not interested in the chances that are going to change their mind based on what they know about you basically just physical appearance. Yeah so slim.

00:30:01 - 00:35:07

So that's a mindset that we should all change because you live in a world where it's you are in the driver's seat but i feel like a lot of us live in a world where the other drives situation for example if that were to happen to me for example i think what are some ways i can win over like do i do. I go back to my friends in light. Pretend i'm having a ball and then you'll see what he's missing right. I start thinking about stuff like that or even in any sort courtship. Like how do i get him to like me versus. You're kind of like if i like him. Approach see were goes and if he doesn't reciprocate onto the neck so i was definitely warlike Like what you just described in like by early twenties at like early thirties. I was just kind of more on your side of like. I'm really give a fog know at least from my personal experience. I know we tried guests bills a way when i stopped playing those games when i did attract a like like with my ex-boyfriend like i never did any of that stuff going to call you when i wanted to call you tax you do. I'm going to be the one inviting you out. Because i want to in that. It didn't matter. And i think. I at least i would argue that for me. I don't wanna be in a relationship where i do feel like. I need a play a game to win somewhat. Yeah i think it goes back to expectations a lot of times. We communicate our expectations in a wrong way. You expect the guy to behave in a certain manner but you don't communicate it and when they don't live up to your expectations you build resentment towards them so you are actually the one approaching or making plans for the first date you have to actually want to do. It says being like oh. I'm just doing this. Because you know it's what makes him happy or whatever resenting him for not you know being that initiator when we talk about expectation. You really got to know what you're expecting and you have to communicate clearly a good segue is what are some of our takeaways from this whole conversation. Gosh you're in the driver's seat of your own life driving car. It's not going anywhere. No passengers are just gonna get in your car and be like. Hey you're the love of my life. let's go. you are the one driving your life. So what's gonna make you go down a road that you really wanna go to versus like this. This is not a thomas driving here and it's not gonna take you automatically to your right suitor. So i i really admire what a man is saying which is okay. There is a really cute guy at the bar. We've been making eye contact. If i were to leave now without talking to him. I will regret this. Yes i will regret this. Were to talk to him right now. The possibilities are endless. Yup even if he rejects me possibilities are still endless. Might take away. this actually isn't a gender thing at all Like we've been talking about how it's like unique that the women's feeding the first move in my opinion. It actually isn't about that at echo thing. At the end of the day women a lot of times myself included. Use it as an excuse of why were afraid to put ourselves out there and get rejected. The man should make the first move. Or i'm waiting for the guy to do it. I guess by takeaways. Is that really what you feel or is it because of your ego like are you using that as a way to hide in not face rejection. It's your pride. Yeah you're probably in your ego at either men to the don't make the first move and it's not because they're not masculine or any of that stuff. It's because of their ego and they're afraid of rejection. This whole conversation is all about approaching another human being that the core right so we talked to strangers on a daily basis you talk to your barista you talk to whoever like your receptionist or whatever but for some reason we're just on the block when talking to someone that were attracted to. There is really no difference if you were talking to some. You're not attracted to you. You might be very natural in the way you approach them for some reason when pride and ego and all that gets in the way then comes who may who makes the first move while suckle that because it's just about talking to another human if you're going out to a bar like let's say novella if you don't leave that bar talking to another human being that you eat like a stranger or person than you haven't fulfilled your role of going out when i go out in the first place right. We go out in public spaces to meet other people to talk to. Your attention is just to catch up with the person who came with. That's fine that's your intention. Don't feel beat yourself up like didn't talk to anyone at all like either go with that attention or if you're going to socialize meet. New people go in socialism. Yeah making goal to talk to someone you haven't met before it doesn't have to be someone you're attracted to giving anybody if that's what you want.

00:35:07 - 00:40:01

That's what you rounding my key takeaway would be like. Just do what you want. You have nothing to lose. You have everything to regret. Don't do you even to the first date like for me. I think it's pretty standard. Offer state that the conversation is like small talk service level but like. I don't give a shit what they did today. I don't care. I i wanna talk about looking deeper something you think about the dating scene. What are you looking for another person presently. I like to approach those topics. On the first day in ice scare away someone then. That person was like playing games they usually wanted to small talk on pristine kind of person i want either. I think that's the other key takeaways like you're thinking about it. You're not like oh. It's all about me but at the end of the day it's like this person might not be a right match for me if they're not willing to receive the energy on putting out if you look at it that way it's not necessarily rejection. It's just that person wasn't the right back on the fit like don't let on yourself. It really is right because you could say a line as bad as what are your hobbies. There's a batch does it matter does not matter. Yup that's very much. They weren't just looking for compatibility here. It's not rocket science right. So the only way to find euro compatible with someone is talking to them. Do we have time for a quick quasi. Do this comes in from jenny everyday to starbucks in the morning and this really cute guy. That just looks like a nice guy. I must say. I have a bit of a crush one day. I mustered up the courage to ask him. What type of muffin look good. But the conversation kind of fell flat. He does smile at me though. Every time i see him so i feel like he might be open any ideas of how to approach him. Amanda leg you in have with good. Wow that's top. The top part is not the first time would like ask what his response was waiting. Jenny said it in awkward. Way right now like maybe. He was a sexual. Innuendo people use muffin now. Oh my god think about that or maybe it was super early of. He's half asleep at caught him off guard He's probably like kicking himself right now. I continue that conversation would give it another chance like ucf again. You could mean crack. An inside joke about that muffin. Because i think humor is easy as we act the is she like is the same. As last night am or. I don't know china. I would continue the conversation. Sounds like you are regularly seeing this guy you can. You have many chances. So i can speak from experience here because i've had this happened. Yes pamela and i like the guy made the comments me in about wake salad dressing or really. I took it like note that he was trying to open the conversation. We had a little bit of back and forth kind of die. In i- awkwardly was like Let me go. But like i'm like what could i have done. Or what could jenny done to get that. Like exchange of a number. It's like what's next level the next time you see him taken one step farther and be like oh i see her all the time like what was your name. Okay airy light and what's your name conversation usually ends up my word. You you live around here. Would you ever ask from numbers. Yeah that's the thing. I'm like the one making the move. I expect some type of response from. Let's say it saves me. I think i would try to get their name. And then be like adam on facebook or something and then leave it. I liked the idea like getting connected on some social Outlander back then. That gives that person an easy live way of approaching you if interested in okay. I learned two things in this. One is get the name out there as soon as you can't. I have seen this work in his very effective. Like in this situation with jenny. What kind of muffin. Look good and they talk about the muffins. As like the way i'm jenny. Yes and it's like it's nice to be like by the way i want to actually connect with you. That's what that means. I could have fallen flat because there's only so much you can talk about nine right in your head at sounds like a good opener but gonna be like now she could be like. Hey i see her every day at work around here once your name. I'm johnny are some and there's something very comfortable about that question because by saying one by her saying oh by the way i'm jenny she's taking hold of the situation right. she's controlling. The situation in two is showing him that she's she respects him. I respect this conversation enough to know what your name is is a very comforting question. I think in this situation. They're still like i. Contact could be made even before the conversation and so she sees him again.

00:40:01 - 00:45:04

It could be like a knowing nod or something. Yeah hey and it becomes familiar. Establishing familiar already is actually very import. I liked the name too because it makes it feel like you were just making small. Talk if you're just talking about the offense like be like a curious to get like. Yeah you might be thinking like oh. This was a girl trying to like. Hit on me might not be crying his mind. Yeah because that's very normal interaction like an old person next to you might see the same by your office and not a sexual about my muffins. Okay my muffin enough. The muffins with it's a very good question because again this is one of our. Most popular topics is how you carry on a conversation. Sometimes it's easy to start a conversation but then where does it go from there when online dating to totally momentum the beginning days message Over then you match. But you're saying that. Was you as a woman. Just throw them though. The bone malign like who cares. What do you have to lose your that. I that is definitely the takeaway of this buddy of to lose. And i'm going to start making more eye contact. Know it's hard even right now. It's a little awkward. Julian are making eye contact. Bergen leading bullets weird practice at each other sweating. Sometimes when i do go like starbucks. I only would make contact with the barista and i start practicing that. It's really hard. You know they give your credit card back then you go thank you. Yeah i usually just look down. But now i'm going to start something i mean. There's i conduct has been around forever. There's also like a new sing. It sounds establish a connection more when onus on someone's looking down you issues confidence to it really dies is show so much confidence before we add one last quick question for you. I don't know maybe always been a naturally confident her sent. Is that the case or have you taken lying steps to get more confident. I was actually really shy if you were to ask my high school friends. Like how is she in high school. I just like really never talked. I think working like as a teenager really helped me open up worked like hollister every person that comes in the door like shout hello abercrombie to stream that goes onto to everyone together nations. You know those people to my. I would say it's like a muscle like putting yourself out there and then it just becomes easier so you're naturally shy hollister helped open it up there. You become more them from dating. It is this. We're so complacent in the way we live our lives. Now we go to bars with our friends and we stay together with our gas in. It's your intentions are to catch up with your friends but then you could just go. Someone's house like why did have a public place for that hassle of you're in a public place one. I think we all had better body language be more open look around more notice things more and make more eye contact. Even if you're in a relationship it doesn't it's not gonna hurt you to just look more approachable and right friendly at work. There's some networks. The possibilities are endless. If you're open to it. Yeah if you leave with regrets then you're not know what your outcome is. Which is regret if you wait for things to happen. Chances are nothing happens all right ready to wrap this up. I think we're julian are gonna go out and approach some strangers right now to go ahead and help us eye contact. I've already thought about what my answer would be to what your hobbies are. Because i have a whole list of them so i now i know how to answer that question. I think everybody else should be prepared for that s slow. You never know you'd ever w were gonna be asked that our listeners. We want to hear from you. We are always looking guests for our next season. You're a guy who has something to say about. Will we just talked about. We love to hear from especially if you have a very strong opinion. Yeah or if you don't like any yeah. We don't like the girl making the first move maybe don't like the girl paying on a first day. We want to hear from you either way. We love having all different kinds of perspectives on this show. Okay they dated all your action item for this week is to make intentional.

00:45:04 - 00:46:47

I contact with people. It's the person you're passing by on the street or a co worker or friend. You haven't seen a while. Really hold back gays and make that intentional. I contact and once you've practiced making eye contact then slowly start making eye contact with people you're attracted to. That's the whole point. This episode of dateable is brought to you by five hundred branches. Five hundred branches like-minded people with similar interests to meet in real life over brunch. You answer a questionnaire about your interest and how you spend your time. And then they'll match you in small groups of sixty eight at brench spot in san francisco. Get a free entry into a brench now by signing up at five hundred brunches dot com and using the code date able. If you didn't know already we have a revamped website with articles videos and content. All about modern dating you can also find our premium why series where we dissect analyze an offer solutions to some of the most common dating conundrums. We've had some great feedback. About how actionable these episodes are so. Check them out on our website or itunes music also visit the site today to see the latest about coaching where we connect you with. Dateable approved experts to help with everything from dealing profile reviews coaching and even gathering real feedback about your dating style in a personalized and affordable way to connect with us visit dateable. Podcast dot com. You can also find us on facebook twitter and instagram. All under dateable podcasts. Don't forget to subscribe an auto download the podcast on itunes. Or your favorite podcast player. So you never miss an episode.

Episode Transcript

Dateable Podcast
Yue Xu & Julie Krafchick

Is monogamy dead? Are we expecting too much of Tinder? Do Millennials even want to find love? Get all the answers and more with Dateable, an insider’s look into modern dating that the HuffPost calls one of the ‘Top 10 podcasts about love and sex’. Listen in as Yue Xu and Julie Krafchick talk with real daters about everything from sex parties to sex droughts, date fails to diaper fetishes, and first moves to first loves. Whether you’re looking to DTR or DTF, you’ll have moments of “OMG-that-also-happened-to-me” to “I-never-thought-of-it-that-way-before.” Tune in every Wednesday to challenge the way you date in this crazy Dateable world.