Vince talks to us about his experience from the deep end of the dating pool as a middle-aged short guy with no game. We talk about how men also face societal pressures with their looks, how to make the most of what you got, and why average joe’s can be anything but average.
S7E15 The Average Joe
00:00:00 - 00:05:01
The Dateable podcast is an insider's look into modern dating that the Huffington post calls one of the top ten podcast about love and sex. On each episode, we'll talk to real daters about. From sex parties to sex droughts, date fails a diaper fetishes and first moves to first loves. I'm your host Yue Xu, former dating coach turned dating sociologists. You also hear from my co host and producer Julie Krafchick as we explored this crazy dateable world.
This episode of datable is brought to you by 500 brunches 500 brunches connect like-minded people with similar interests to meet in real life over brunch. You answer a quick question are about your interest and how you spend your time and then they'll match you in small groups of six to eight at a brunch spot in San Francisco get a free entry in 2 a brunch Now by signing up at five hundred branches and using the code date able. Hey everyone, welcome to another episode of datable a show all about modern dating. I'm just going to cut straight to exactly we're going to talk about today because our guest wrote a book called confessions of the middle aged short guy with no gain in Average Joe's observations from the deep end of the dating pool. Our guess is name is Vince gaglione. He is from Raleigh North Carolina originally from Philly's forty nine years old currently in a monogamous relationship and we have them on the line right now the advanced babies tell you today. We're so good. We want to talk about Average Joe I guess in your case the average Vince wrote us an email. And you said as a short average-looking guy with no real game. I have found dating to be tough. How do you make an impression that stand out in a sea of other average guys? I have a few suggestions. Well, this is a first for us the average Joe who is very aware that he's he's in the average Joe. But you also say how you make an impression and stand out in a sea of other average shows by saying that you're also implying there's many Average Joe's out there. Yeah. Yeah, that's correct. There's plenty of this out here. So what is average mean to be an average Joe is is not someone who is say a very, you know, attractive guy a very tall guy someone who's got has a an error about them where they exhumed a confidence a status perspective or something that kind of like the radiates from some guys just have that masculine energy average guys. Just don't they seem to kind of like fall into place they slide into the background essentially. They they just don't make an impression in the dating world what you're you're out there you're at a singles event or social events. They're part of the scenery. They're part of the landscape seemed really stand out. Okay. Yeah, and you're the most said something about 85% men aren't attractive. You could be like dead. That's a very specific number right there. Yeah, that was that was in a study in a book that I was reading and it was booked by Jordan Peterson 12 rules for life where I studied she was referenced the way the study worked I guess is they they asked women to rate whether a guy was considered attractive or not so much going for a whole bunch of profile photo. And as it turned out like me, they calculate that 85% of the guys were just rated as attractive or below-average and attractiveness, which was kind of surprising. I guess like what perceptions say You have about what makes a man attractive either from the study or just from your own experience with women. I think even guys know this they they know who the attractive guys are. They know who the guys are there just seem to wage, you know walk into a room and they have an error about them and they just you can see that like all the eyes are drawn towards them. It just it could be the way they carry themselves or just their home. He rents I think for women the way we feel about our own attractiveness. It's actually not a static feeling. It's kind of fluid some days. I feel more attractive than other days and it's kind of relative to its knees whoever like steps into a room. Like you said, there are some women who step in a room and just radiated this energy and then immediately puts me the average bucket. Right, right. So is this the same for men as well? As this month is feeling is is something that's more fluid and its Dynamic and or is it like every day? I feel like an average Joe. Yeah. Well from my experience, it's been everyday felt like an average Joe is kind of like this happens early on Monday and for me, I kind of took a look back at my life. And I remember when I first started becoming interested in girls and as were my friends, I found that many of the girls sort of perpetrated towards my friends, but never me and I was wondered why that was of course, you know at the time a lot of my friends were taller than I mean they grew I just never did so I can log Looked at it was like this is interesting. But you know throughout my life. I have always considered myself to be an average Joe. So it doesn't it's not really fluid like there weren't any there were periods of my life where I thought oh, I'm really attractive guy. I mean I have to look at myself in the mirror.
00:05:01 - 00:10:10
So it's like I kind of know where I sit in the packing order. Okay. So back to traits. I know you obviously your book says middle-aged short guy. So I'm assuming you gave a short one of the trees. Yes, how tall are you then? I am five seven actually, okay, and then are there other traits? I know we kind of talked about what you're not or just this overall Radiance like one that comes to my my life. I'd love to know if you agree with this like full set of hair baldness. What are your thoughts? I think that is actually changed over the years. I think that now, you know, so many guys are walking around with with their the head shaved and I'm one of those. Yeah, it's as well. It might have been more important back then or many many years ago as opposed to now, I think people consider that in so that's cool. Well, I kind of like when guys just embraced the baldness versus like have a dog All bald spot. Oh, yeah. The pool outside is really bad. I mean, it's very interesting about this is that I feel like a lot of my girlfriends have ended up with what you're describing as an average male, but I would say these guys are nothing there's nothing average about them. They're a fantastic guys and a lot of them are shorter. They're sure on the older side. Maybe they're bald. I don't know if I was part of the study where they found 85% of men to be unattractive. It'd be real hard for me to judge a guy's attractiveness just based on photos, right and that's why you know for for a lot of women the way we look at male attractiveness is their energy. Yep the vibe they're giving off interacting with their friends. So just based on photos alone. Maybe. Yeah, I would think none of them are attractive because I don't know who they are challenged with data gaps. Right? Right. Exactly. I guess I'd love to hear more about special events like besides like younger years like you kind of brought that up about not being the guy that got the girl what other instances did you have through your life that you felt average there have been times when I've thought Then you know out with with my partner at the time and I would hear comments from my girlfriend would hear comments. Like how did he score you or what's a guy like you doing with a girl that hot, you know things of that nature walk over and over the years, you know it kind of looking back. I kind of thought about this was like wow that seemed to happen to me quite a bit. So perception is everything says like someone takes a look at a couple and not immediately make a judgment and if it seems out of place in a way, you're kind of aware of it because you know, you'll get the raised eyebrow or something. Yeah something to high-five about. I feel like a lot of guys want to be dating out of their league and so isn't this a good thing it can be and I actually point that out in my book because a lot of what I had described when I go back and and talk about my dating history is how it kind of made me feel like the emotions I was wrestling with right so as as an average guy to hear, you know, these comments made yeah, some guys can take it. Yeah. This is great. I'm taking that maybe whatever but for me I did just the dog. It kind of like reinforced how I knew Society kind of viewed this and I thought to myself. Wow. Should I really be dating this person? And she really do better than me. I would have those two questions in my head in essence. It did the opposite for me. So it even nuked my confidence. I could see that it probably depends like first of like how often you hear it to the tone if it's like wow like a job. Yeah, cuz like how did they score you like could see it being very variant so your book is about so I'm going to read the title one more time confessions of the Middle East short guy with no game and averaged shows observations from the deep end of the dating pool. You said in your email to us that you had a hard time dating. So can you give us some examples of the tough times you had with dating not just what you just told us about, you know, dating out of your league. Yeah over the years looking back on my history. I realized I never really had that many first aid friends had always for some reason somehow managed to score many more First Dates than I had. So if it off Is you know for me I was lucky to have maybe two First Dates a year, you know, and that is through my my early history and dating in to say my my early thirties. I was married for a period of time so is what I was with her for for eight years totals from twenty-three Thirty and then from a 30 Zone. I've been single one thing. It was really interesting that happened was kind of the impetus for the book is that I was sitting with a number of my guy friends at a dinner. We don't want to be dinner and conversations usually turned towards dating and relationships and one friend. He got out his phone and he passed his phone rage. He wanted our opinion of a woman that had contacted him on Bumble. So we we looked at the messages exchanged and you know afterwards he I asked him if he can bring up his Bumble few and I saw it as Q was full that was that was my oldest get home. And because my queue is always empty right in this guy. I mean, we're we're here in the same area and I thought wow, what does he have that I don't so I asked him I said what happens when you know, you got all these people. You're cute. What are you going to do with the music? Just you know, once I get rid of these then, you know, it'll fill up again. And then that made me feel even worse because I thought I'd been on Bumble. I've been using the app for at the time at least almost a year and most I probably had like one or two types on on in that brain Mike you ever at any one time it was never any more than 2,000.
00:10:10 - 00:15:09
Like how is this possible? How is he how does he have all these people who who are interested in him? And I don't again that was another one of those things that kind of reinforced. Well, wow. I must be really really, you know average if they you know, what's going on here. I have no clue. I think dating apps like I can really reinforce that cuz we've gotten a lot of messages and emails from many specifically just in women too, but like around like how long they don't get enough matches on dating apps and it really tears at like your self-esteem and ego. Yeah, and it's all of result of comparing you're cute with write your friends, which is a worst thing you can possibly do birth. And then I guess my other question is what what do you think? It was about him that was more appealing or kind of got those additional matches compared to you and other average men. This is going to be kind of subject. There's only my opinion in in my photos. I mean we're very similar in terms of age occupation really are the difference between us or our photos. And in his photo. I mean he kind of has his he has a month pepper beard, right? So he's he's sitting there holding a glass of beer and he kind of big stock now, he's average height. He's about five-ten in my photos. So you can kind of tell that I'm thin and I might be shorter than him. He just looks paper God that's another and the only real difference. It's a good segue into you know, we have an episode of season 5 with this woman name Natalie Carey and she wrote a book called everybody beautiful and was supposed focus on body image and women in the episode where you kind of brought up do men have these same issues with their bodies. And obviously we had no male representation at the time, but can you age Speak a little bit more about body image issues. I'm sure I will look in the mirror. And of course I will find fault with myself. So it's like I don't like this about me writing like that about me. So I think that life as a man, it's we have those same issues. I think that we kind of internalized the more so we never kind of like show that we're kind of more present that or tell anybody about it where I mean, we'll more or less, you know, they'll share some of that information with their their closest of friends. But as guys we're kind of taught to be strong never show emotion. So I think that even in in those instances, we don't want to express that to anyone even if we might be feeling it this is interesting cuz Natalie wrote this book everybody beautiful and she said that it was geared primarily to women because she understood woman's body issues cuz she was a woman and she had all these men coming out of the woodwork after she published it being like I relate I know this and it's very interesting Vince. You just said this like in Psalms, I did so much focused on women's body right men. Well what I also find the the other layer to this is cuz I've never really looked at men's magazines, but I finally took a glance the birthday of men's health GQ and these men are just as airbrushed and beautiful and perfect as the women you see in glamour Cosmo Vogue, but we never bring up issues cuz you know, we've had this whole, you know fight against body image for women and how everything's airbrush and we shouldn't be presenting women in this way. That's like picture perfect way, but we have we have really talked about it with men at all. I totally could visualize what you're saying you get like these like Jack Jack. Yeah, like sure Pack 12 pack and and it's like super chiseled and bath and you're like these guys don't really exist. But I guess if men are seeing these as the role models for them, then I can see how that would be a body image issues for me personally. I really varies I have like a dog Ideal body type at all. Yeah, I think it's like this comparison again. Like if this is what GQ and Men's Health is saying is like a hot attractive man, and I don't look anything like that way I could see where the insecurities would come up. But Vince I would say this though because the reason why women have been fighting back against all this airbrush bodies is because we feel like men are more picky comes to body types and women and women are a lot more forgiving. Do you find that that is the case? That's a good question. I think that you're probably right. I'm going to agree with that statement. I think that women are basically looking for men who can provide a a semblance of protection dominance power Etc. So they're looking for guys who are protectors and how they find that or how they seemed to become aware of that is through a guy showcasing his personality at least from if we're talking in a personal here. If you're an average guy you can showcase your call. Personality you be yourself, you're authentic and you kind of display in your personality those qualities and that will allow that attraction to take place. I'm glad that we're starting to get into some lessons and learnings because they would say this and I feel like it is my responsibility to present this PSA right now, which is a lot of times.
00:15:09 - 00:20:05
Yes, the alpha males the room will get the most attention because they're the ones who are most aggressive and they're the ones out going there talking to the females. So, of course, I'm going to be talking to the guy who's talking to me when I secretly wish the guy who's off standing in the corner would come and talk to me because I find his energy a lot more attractive than the alpha male. I do not like alpha males, but I guess from from an outsider's point of view. All you see is Alfred not getting attention, right? Cuz he's the one seeking it Average Joe is not sure so can guys kind of learn from this just because a woman is talking to your friend doesn't mean they're she's necessarily interested. It's just because he's talking to birth. That's it. Oh, yeah, and you know if we're talking about these types of situations, especially like singles mixers for example is like that's a very difficult environment when you've got a few alpha males who are kind of working the room and you know, they're in conversation. Sometimes you're getting group conversation. So you kind of have your interested in talking to a specific person, you know, try to work your way into that conversation and even people that you might not at first think I don't want to talk this person just go up to them and talk to them and just start having conversations. If anything it'll make you more comfortable talking to anybody thought so and when an opportunity comes along then you're already comfortable and you don't have to worry. Oh my God should go up to this person. I don't know what to say cuz you already know what to say because you had practice with it. Can I just summarize that a viable one more time? Cuz I think it's important for people to hear. It's really scary to think in a room of strangers you go up to the one person you're most attracted to first know you never want to do that what you're saying. Vince is off. A situation like that you ease your way in so start talking to people you're not attracted to or the same gender or whatever and then that way you get a little warmed up to talk to eventually that girl that you're really attracted to sure sure. That's one way and of course so at the beginning of this whole thing when you wrote In To Us you said how do you make an impression and stand out of a sea of average guys? Is this the advice or some other suggestions you have how to make yourself kind of more visible? Yeah. There's other suggestions one the top that the top one that I've kind of looked at. It has been you know your appearance. Like if you're at an event where there's a lot of singles if you you know, dress above your competition, then you're going to get noticed that's a real easy one to handle because you know, that doesn't really require any work. It just requires a you do make a better first impression. So it's like you want to put your best foot forward. Is there an outfit you can suggest that can make you stand out from the competition, of course, it depends on the event. Let's say, you know, you suck. Have you have a button down shirt? But you've got you know a French cuffs. So put in cufflinks that's that's something that is a differentiator in a way because you know, I've done that myself and people have always commented. So wow, I can't remember the last time I saw someone wearing a French cuff shirt and I was like, oh, thank you very much. That's awesome. That's a great compliment. So there are things like that just rest a little bit better. Maybe we're at I even though at I might not be appropriate. But if I try and shirt that look great together that you know kind of stand out a little bit of a notice those things they always notice you know that the guys who want to make a good impression. I remember one time. I I was I was involved with someone and you know, we had a conversation about this and I was I was dressed pretty well. It was just a a Lounge event. That's where I met her and she said I looked around and I looked at you and I thought he must be important that was her, so she thought that because of the way I had was proud was presenting myself was an important guy as opposed to the rest of the guys that were just, you know, dressed like the DMV. And show that was really telling so I kind of you know use that information going over one and change your height or even your body build if you're skinnier, but you can dress in a way that promotes your feedback is the best way possible and kind of gives you that leg up in that regard. It's all about packaging. It's 101 and I totally agree with you. I walk into a room. I see a bunch of guys and I am drawn to the guy who's dressed just slightly better than the rest. He doesn't need to be overdressed. That's almost trying a little too much but like they always say you always just want to outrun your competition and who cares case of a bear attack. So you just want to be slightly better dressed and to me if a guy seems like he took a lot of thought into the way he dresses. He's a thoughtful person where he's going to be found who is more attentive in my friend has gone to Macy's and got in a free consultation. Oh, it has done personal shopping that doesn't cost any money. It's just whatever you buy at least these I'm sure other phone number. Is do it too. It's not just Macy's. So this is something that can be accessible to a lot of men and women that's a great suggestion because I think there are certain colors that bring out your eyes your hair color, whatever it may be and when you wear something that makes you look good you feel good to it's it comes from from the inside too.
00:20:05 - 00:25:12
And and I also would say that I think there's something to be said about a guy who would takes time into his appearance. It doesn't have to be like, oh my God, I'm so into myself. But if a guy spends the time taking care of himself, then I know that he's a grown ass man. Yeah. It's just not as a boy. Okay, Vince what other stuff do you got in addition to clothing? Yeah, in addition to that. It's we're talking, you know personality interpersonal you have to be confident. You have to prove yourself in a confident matter that doesn't mean being arrogant that just means, you know being comfortable with who you are and and being authentic and you know talking about the things that you're passionate about being able to engage In a back-and-forth conversation listening skills are great because women love guys who will listen so understanding comprehending what they're saying and then being able to continue a conversation ask questions things of that nature of an A-Plus on that one because there are so many friends that we both have that said I will never do a short guy. Yeah, and they met someone that had confidence that listen to them that had the personality in that criteria went right out the window. Totally. I would even say 85% of my friends have ended up with someone either girl height or shorter than them some of these people. I'm sorry said I will only date 6 p.m. Exactly. Yeah, I think that you know, which which Keith fear is that what I talk about is being able to get that first foot in the door as an average guy being average might mean that your appearance is not going to get you in the door, but you can have that one-on-one conversation. That's where birth The differentiate or guys if you're able to protect yourself in a way where that woman knows that you're you're you're you're a stand-up. Yeah, you're you're pretty dominant guy in your in your own way, then that's okay. Okay anything else to add to this in terms of suggest? I think that you know, of course you want to want to be personable you want to be you want to be good with any type of conversation would be able to flirt a little bit. You know, it's like even if it is a stretch, right and for me, it is a stretch. You can playfully banter so playful banter would be a good one. Okay, I think on the flipside what are some of the consequences of not having this confidence and having this poor body image? How does that impact been? It's time to take a quick break so we can tell you about the latest service. We have been building over here at dateable. We've created a platform to connect you with vetted experts from our Network to help with everything from coaching with dating therapy dating profile reviews and even ways to get real feedback about your dating style home. The sessions typically run from 30 minutes to an hour and can all be done via Skype or Google Hangouts. So you can be anywhere listeners have been sharing how worthwhile their sessions have been with comments about how long the coaches are to talk to how they have provided A New Perspective and how they have created actionable ways to inspire change to meet the coaches and book your session today visit dateable podcast. Com slash coaching now back to the show. What are some of the consequences of not having this confidence and having this poor body image? How does that impact been? I think that it will kind of odd naturally get you to shy away from from interactions, right? So this is something that happened to me back in my twenties. My confidence was at an all-time low and I would shy away from any type of opportunity. So I would if even if there was somebody I was interested in talking to us, I would refuse to go up to that person just because I didn't have the confidence in myself to be able to do that. I would think to myself I'm going to age Down or I'm going to get you know, a nasty go through or whatever the case may be. So there were probably many women. I I wanted to have conversations with that. I just kind of like didn't even go that route. I just kind of odd back myself packed away and stood in the corner and kind of watched. You know, what happens when you're just constantly getting rejected because of your looks like oh I like you but I'm not feeling the connection or all of that. Yeah. That's that's another one that really does play, you know, some games with your psyche as well because you know, we do take these things personally. So I think that women worry about getting rejected guys worry about that just as much choice, but it's important to kind of, you know, make maintain a focus as like, okay, if you know what you want if you know what you're looking for or think you've got to keep at it. It's real easy to just shy away from it all and say I can't do this but you know, nothing that you really want in life that goes for anybody. It doesn't really come easy. So you have to just stick with it and you have to try to get better and you can't really take those rejections personally bath. Happened to me quite a few times and I recall a couple of instances where specifically that happened whether I was rejected for, you know, my height or my looks and whatever the case may be particularly at events where I was I was talking to a woman and you know, I had I had asked her out on a date and she rejected me but then I found out like she gave her number to another guy at the same event.
00:25:12 - 00:30:02
So that will do that does a number on your psyche but you know, you have to remember that you're probably going to get rejected a lot. Now. This is Connor way it works. So you just have to keep at it keep working on yourself be confident and you keep your eyes open for opportunities that come along. Sometimes we miss the opportunities when were not in. You know, we're not a good place you thinking about. Oh, I'm really not an attractive guy. I'm just you know, an average guy. Nobody notices me you me thinking about those things and just miss other opportunities it all off. Exit demeanor, they certainly did in my case back in my twenties. I mean, I walked around town with a scowl on my face all the time. And you know, most people don't want to walk up to someone with a scowl on their face and just say hi Hi, how are you? My name is there that's not going to happen. So it's a very difficult thing when you're dealing with the struggle emotionally, you may assume it's because of your looks but it could be because energy energy. I think that's yes topic of rejection is something that everybody likes talking about because rejection comes from fear. And so I was talking to a close friend of mine this week and shoe and he said something that's really helped me in my life. Is that every morning? The first thing I do when I wake up is to take a really cold shower because what you're doing is you're conquering fear. The first thing you do is, your fear and it makes you feel really empowered the rest of your day and it puts everything else in perspective makes you think well, I was able to jump into this freezing cold shower this morning. Nothing else can really get to me now and so do You know, I would say this applies to everyone don't go the extreme of taking a cold shower every morning. But this idea of conquering fear doing things that push you out of your comfort zone and make you scared will help you with rejection because eventually it puts everything in perspective and you just think oh this girl didn't get give her number to me. It just means we're not compatible right? Not a big hug. You might look right thoroughly took one of the best sports I ever heard was the quote of anything you you really want is always on the other side of fear. So I've tried to kind of live my life that way that's for this is a great segue to one of our takeaways from this conversation. So yeah you would you want to kick it off. Yeah. I think I'm going to summarize some of the advice that since just gave us one is they, you know be a good listener. I think we can all practice to be better listeners. We can be more attentive and then I like this idea of dressing with thoughtfulness and mindfulness and it doesn't just mean like dressing fancy e I think this applies of men and women just putting more thought into how to how you package yourself well present you in a way that other people take you more seriously right I would say Vince you are forty nine year old man you know you consider yourself an average Joe but you were married you've dated hot women and you're currently in a monogamous relationship so what I would say about this whole Average Joe theory is that it is just a minor yeah there's nothing physical about it it's a mindset Julie and I have friends male friends who are tall attractive gainfully employed and who've never been able to date women who have never been in relationship it doesn't mean that looks wise or an average show it's a mindset exactly I think that's a really good point my other takeaway is like confidence is everything yeah we've seen time after time I am women that think that they only want to be with someone that's six feet tall end up with someone much shorter or not the stereotypical looks wise that they thought because of that like quiet, And so that we hear my other take away. Is that men feel this too? I feel like women are always like the ones that are like, oh we have to live up to The Stereotype. We have to live up to this like Burgandy standard but men are also on the same boat. It's just Society doesn't tell meant to discuss it as much as women. Absolutely Vince anything that you would add or any parting advice for anyone that yeah, I would say, you know, when we're talking about all of this. Let me go back to being yourself, you know, being authentic and understand that not everybody is going to like you a lot of this. We don't understand off one of this is chemical but you know always be yourself be authentic. Don't try to be something you're not because when it can really comes down to it people they're they're going to like you they're going to find you pleasing or not. And it's that simple fact not for everybody for all the men out there who are intimidated by the alpha male. Can I just be completely honest here use them to your advantage the alpha men are there 2 p.m. And to make assholes of themselves and they're just making a lot of noise. It's all right. So what they're doing is like distracting the women but what you can do as an authentic male who may be just a little bit more introverted is that you want to spend more quality time with the women.
00:30:02 - 00:35:07
So as soon as you see like the alpha males like talking up a game and flirting with the girls get that girl moan and say hey, I just want to break through this clutter. I know that maybe you're in a conversation with this guy, but I would love to buy you a drink and get to know you better that's more of an authentic connection than some guy peacocking and making all that noise. I love that because I think speaking from my own perspective. I know other women feel this to we don't want the guy that's going up to every woman in the bar or like belatedly hitting on women or even yourself. It's in a way sometimes not even the most complimentary if it's happening. You don't feel special with it. And it doesn't feel authentic just being like a normal person being like hey, how's it going? Yeah, just strong. You know conversation like you were talking to a friend actually goes a lot further Vince one other question for you. You gave a lot of great advice to kind of overcome this in real life. But what about dating a girl? Like how would you potentially position your profile if you are shorter or you are skinnier? Yeah, that's actually a different poll question because of course people are making judgments based on the photos. Right? I mean that's kind of where it all starts if they're if they don't like your photos then they're probably not going to read your profile. Right? So in terms of photos. I would say just present yourself. Well, you know, make sure hurt you of course have have photos where you might be you much dressed up a little bit, you know just just present yourself. Well on the founders, so any other takeaways before we wrap up do we have time for a quick question of the day? Yeah, let's let's do a question of the day. But this question comes from Danielle. She says I have come to terms with my books. I'm not ugly or hot. Just kind of in the middle. I'm pretty secure with what I have to offer as a wife or girlfriend in person. I have no concerns at once. I meet the right person. They will see this. My problem comes in attracting them since they're so visual any thoughts about ways that I can make more of an immediate impression. I love this cuz it's the woman's purse. Yeah, and we were just talking about this as well. Yeah, I guess Vince from your perspective as a man. Do you have any thoughts for Danielle? Yeah. I think they took one the one thought I could kind of it comes right off the top of my head is guys are looking for a woman who radiates her femininity. So being feminine being in her feminine kind of a little bit flirty just playful confident in herself and really like is just a fun person. Yeah, that's what we look for as guys. So if you are, you know, even an average wage There are plenty of women that are still super. Yeah, they're super attractive because they radiate that feminine energy and that's what we're kind of drawn to their thoughts. There are women out there who are extremely attractive but they they don't really radiates that energy at all. So it's like when you talk to them, you know, it might be kind of business like you feel like you're in a business meeting. It might be kind of cold and that kind of that's what pushes guys away. So I would say to to this person your authentic self, but you know bi fem Centre genetic. Okay, so very similar to kind of the advice you gave for men is be confident and kind of also another piece could be kind of dress with what will suit you best as well. That could be another piece of advice. I would say it's again, it's a mindset. It's it's relative to how you're feeling that day. So on days, I just note on days that I'm not feeling completely confident about myself. I'm not going to put myself in a situation where I feel even less carbs. But on days where I'm feeling really good, I'm going to take advantage of that energy and get out there. It's all about context. It's not again, I think attraction and attractiveness is not static. It's also Dynamic to in relative to how we're feeling and and what our mindset is so I would just say know yourself better only good point actually because I've been there myself there are days when I've kind of having a great and I was like, okay. Well, I'm supposed to go to this and I'm going to go and then I won't have a horrible time because you know, I really didn't want to be there for whatever reason and energetically people kind of patients that so I might not have had conversations and I might have left there thinking man. I didn't talk to anybody tonight or oh wow. This was horrible. So yeah, a lot of this is of course how you feel certainly and I think like actually what Natalie Kerry said on her episode is there are all types of people out there that find different types attractive all at the end of the day. It's about finding that person you don't need to log Attractive to every last guy. You just need to find the guy that you're attractive to. Yep. Exactly. All right, Vince. We're going to wrap this up. Thank you so much for telling us. So honestly your storage and what you've been through and your learnings I think is so helpful for a lot of people men and women actually and for anybody interested in Vince's book again, it's called Confessions of a middle-aged short guy with no game and Average Joe's observations from the deep end of the dating pool.
00:35:07 - 00:37:38
You can find on Amazon anywhere else in the book is available on all the major platforms. So you can get on Amazon you get on Barnes & Noble iBooks sweet. Thank you again for you know for your time and for listeners, we want to hear from your perspective whether you're the average Joe average Jill or you're just like, you know, you're so freaking hot still have a hard time dating. I know people like yeah, we want to hear from you as well. We love to have you as a guest on our show. We're always looking guess for future Seasons so find us at dateable podcast wage. Okay on that note we're going to wrap this up stayed your action item for this week is to think about the physical type. You normally go for and throw that out the window. Don't get so stuck on The Superficial qualities that make someone attractive to you. We've said this before but it never hurts to say it again. Keep an open mind when it comes to dating if you keep going for the same type and none of them seemed to work out. There's probably a reason for that this week step out of your comfort zone and go for someone completely different from your normal physical type. This episode unstable is brought to you by 500 brunches 500 brunches connects like-minded people with similar interests to meet in real life over brunch. You answer a quick question are about your interest and how you spend your time and then they'll match you in small groups of six to eight at a brunch spot in San Francisco get a free entry in 2 a brunch Now by signing up at five hundred branches and using the code. A table, if you didn't know already. We have a revamped web site with articles videos and content all about modern dating. You can also find our premium y Series where we dissect analyze and offer solutions to some of the most common dating conundrums. We've had some great feedback about how actionable these episodes are. So check them out on our website or iTunes music also visit the site today to see the latest about coaching where we connect you with dateable approved experts to help with everything from dating profile reviews coaching and even Gathering real feedback about your acting style in a personalized and affordable way to connect with us visit dateable podcast, You can also find us on Facebook Twitter and Instagram all under dateable podcast. Don't forget to subscribe and Auto download the podcast on iTunes or your favorite podcast player. So you never miss an episode.