S7E20: The Manfunnel

Dateable Podcast
November 27, 2018
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November 27, 2018

S7E20: The Manfunnel

We discuss the “manfunnel” method, why linear dating can be problematic, and how it’s important not to be afraid to rock the boat.

The Manfunnel

Megan Weks tells us how she started dating like a well-oiled machine which led to meeting and marrying her husband in less than a year. We discuss the “manfunnel” method, why linear dating can be problematic, and how it’s important not to be afraid to rock the boat.

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Episode Transcript

Season 7 Episode 20 The Manfunnel

00:00:00 - 00:05:09

The Dateable podcast is an insider's look into modern dating that the Huffington post calls one of the top ten podcast about love and sex. On each episode, we'll talk to real daters about. From sex parties to sex droughts, date fails a diaper fetishes and first moves to first loves. I'm your host Yue Xu, former dating coach turned dating sociologists. You also hear from my co host and producer Julie Krafchick as we explored this crazy dateable world.

The dateable podcast features real stories from real people of how they make modern dating work or not your host you a former dating coach turned dating Insider boss will on each episode. You'll hear commentary from my producer Julie kraftchick and other surprised co-hosts. This episode of datable is brought to you by 500 brunches 500 brunches connect like-minded people with similar interests to meet in real life over brunch. You answer a quick question are about your interest and how you spend your time and then they'll match you in small groups of six to eight at a brunch spot in San Francisco get a free entry in 2 a brunch Now by signing up at five hundred branches and using the code date able. Hey everyone, welcome to another episode of datable a show all about modern dating. You guys always want to know how other people date what are their tactics with their rules? What are their tools that they use some people use Excel spreadsheets as I'm some people we talked to have the five minute date. Peace out. Well our guest today. Her name is Megan wax. She has this tool called The Man funnel. Okay, and it's to help thousands of women today to empower them to raise the bar in their dating interactions while finding the wage Hi Megan. How are you? Hi, I'm great. Thanks for having me again. Thanks for thanks for coming on the show all the way from a long island originally from Maryland. She's in her late thirties, and I currently married man funnel. It sounds delicious about it. A man funnel is many things ladies, but it's really it's a way of life that empowers a.m. Men to realize that they have choice in their dating life and in their processes and it brings you to the point where you're able to date much higher quality men. Can you tell us the story that you had shared about your experience of what made you switch to this type of method? I was dating in Manhattan for over a decade. I was pounding those Pavements looking for love em, and I could always seem to attract a man right I could attract men, but I could never really keep anyone around that was like my thing someone would come along and I really hang my hopes on that person and get them excited. And then when it wouldn't work out, I would crumble I'd look for someone else and I find someone else and then I'd kind of just hang my hopes on that new person. And so when that would spiral downward, I would crumble again and the process would go on and on some relationships lasted a little longer than others, maybe two to seven months or eight months was my most serious relationship. Then I had met someone and it was like very electric. It was like love at first sight and it was just so you know when you have hot chemistry with someone when I met this person I felt electricity on my skin and we kiss and it was like amazing and I remember speaking to my mom on my way home from work feeling nervous. You know, when you start to like someone what's the next step we get angst Wiggins iety so talking to my mom and I'm like, oh like I hope this person likes me and I was kind of listening off his accomplishments and you know, putting myself down in a way sort of like I was putting this man on a pedestal so I'm sitting in my desk one day and I've been sort of anxious ever since it's been now almost a few months we've been together and we had amazing times but you know, once you're sort of exclusive arrangement with someone or or so you think you're really putting all your eggs in that basket, right? So I'm sitting in my cubicle and I get a text from this person one day off. And it said what are you doing this weekend? Do you want to come to my parents this weekend for dinner? And of course, you know, I'm thinking this is it like I've done it off this man is serious about me and I'm I really care for him and I was so excited. So I text like five my friends and I was like you were not going to believe this like guess who asked me to meet his parents this weekend and of course all my mom and I'm like constructing the perfect Meet the Parents outfit, of course, it's amazing food stone for many it's a major milestone for us. And so I was going through all of this appointment and fast forward to the weekend. I walk into the parents house. And you know, I remember walking down the hall and admiring the family photos and we sit down for dinner and I had a good time, you know, I liked them and enjoyed myself to the the mother and father were nice and there were other family members are as well and how I got introduced you I don't recall a title. Okay, I do. Call a title at all. I just assumed they knew who I was and like. This is Megan, right? This is Megan. So we sit it's a long dinner and the mother pops up to sort of a start clearing the table if I pop up and help and then I go in the bathroom to reapply some lipstick check myself out and I close the door and that's when the unthinkable happened.

00:05:09 - 00:10:02

I could hear I could hear it just a little bit I could hear his voice and it went right under the door and I could hear him speaking to his mom and he said mom so, what do you think about Megan? Who do you like better Megan or Jennifer? I just collapsed on the floor. Oh my God. I don't even know what was going through your mind in that bathroom. What was going through my mind was how could I be putting my all into this person and be so invested in in this man dead. And been thinking about what's been going on with this hanging all my hopes and designing my future with this person who was still just sort of shopping and considering what was best for him and his future keep in mind. I was this was an overnight visit. So there was no where there was nowhere I could go and I had to pull myself together, you know, my stomach was in knots my heart broke into like 1 million pieces and shattered on the floor. I had to pick myself up and I had to pull myself together and put on a smile off her face the family. Oh my God, he's not your husband, right? So what happened with this guy? What was the mom's answer? I couldn't hear them. I did not hear that part. It was his voice that was coming right under the door. Then I was just like went blank. I was just so upset. I was like trying to just pull I was trying to hold back. here and then pull myself together to go out there shortly after that I mean obviously the relationship didn't really have that many legs to stand on and it turned off and he went on and married this other woman oh wow well I guess we got our answer so with all of this is this kind of the Catalyst of what drove the man funnel so what happened was, incidentally later around that same week I was in a business development role on Wall Street it was a very cut-throat kind of sales position and my boss had given us had handed out to my team see his notebook each page of the notebook had a drawing on it and the drawing was a funnel and he said you need to write fill out all your prospects on this funnel and he said remember only 20% of your funnel closes so you need to calculate how many prospects you need in order to reach quota and here I am you know basically hiding under my dead Did you ever hide on your desk by you know, it's like I couldn't get through the whole day cuz I was so withering and sad and crumbling and and but so low and behold this was very symbolic for me because during that time was when I received this funnel and I'm thinking about the math here and I'm like, I want to meet someone soon. So why am I putting all my eggs in one basket? I need a man funnel. I need a man funnel after that. It truly empowered me to realize that I was going to make sure these men were really invested in me and I was going to qualify them just like I would qualify a client that I was hiring for my company, right? Like I would qualify them as a good candidate and who also has highly interested in me and I started dating in this new wage and when friends would come and they were upset about a guy I would always say need to go fill your funnel and it just kick those leads and that my friends that I would be would email off. After the weekend two of my best friends, we were all in Manhattan and single and at the at the end of the weekend like a Monday morning, we would send to each other an email called The Funnel report and it would have everyone in the funnel and then the bottom of the funnel would be like the Chevy ones that were falling out or whatever and we would label it top of the funnel bottom of the funnel. I'm like thinking of my worth how we talk about bottom of the funnel and top of the funnel to give her the message. So how does the man funnel work? The mantle has some some strategic guidelines? I would love to share with you that can help us from getting into these Pit Bulls that we fall into. So one of the main guidelines is that we hold something called an exploratory phase and the exploratory phase is about ninety days where you watch a man without allowing yourself to get attached. Think about how we get attached. How we allow ourselves to get attached? It's really it's a part of it as a conscious decision based on. Okay, I'm not going to allow myself to start analyzing and think about this person. I'm not going to feed into that desire. Another way is by getting ahead of your biology.

00:10:02 - 00:15:02

We know that oxytocin the the attachment hormone floods our brains when you know, actually when we took another adult for six seconds the oxytocin starts to kick in so with my clients, I tell them to keep this in mind. I don't want you going to each other's places and I don't want you snuggling on the couch. A lot of women will be like, oh well, I didn't have sex with him. But like we just snuggled well guess what that's just as dangerous because it's you're going to start getting attached. So 90 days you just said, it's a long time like no snuggle. I guess my question is how did things progress though with the right guy? If you're kind of holding back in some of those regards it's all about Setting their expectation properly and let me tell you this like ninety days is what we're striving for. It is hard, especially when you find someone you really connect with and that's part of the problem when we feel that dangerous chemistry life. I did with person in the story right sometimes chemistry is a trap and what I help women to do is build an intimate deep bond through mutual respect and shared vulnerability wage. What we're doing is creating the kind of bond that lasts forever in another way not because we're attracted to each other initially so much and we just need to rip each others clothes off. What is some of those wage a lot of us women. I'll tell you this. We're putting we're waiting for a man to show us some sign that it's safe before we reveal our heart, you know, we're waiting to see if you like sucks, but it's backwards that is backward. What we need to do is realize that we don't have to be in like with the other with the other person with the individual to start opening our heart sharing our thoughts. Elves and being imperfect he can feel when we're judging ourselves and that we're being self-protective. It's our job is the feminine energy partner to create the safe environment where his card then emerges and this is how we build this heart connection and this intimate bond. This is how it starts and a spark can be born from this rather than that chemistry Thursday mentioned that hot initial chemistry which can fade. So as you are in this exploratory stage of no snuggling but you're still creating some sort of intimacy with someone who also have some physical needs that you're getting elsewhere. I'm guessing fuck-buddy is that the top of the foot or the bottom of the the finals really just some young ladies? Let me just preface it this dating models designed for women who are feel they feel pressure of time and they really want to streamline their dating processes if you're dead. You know not looking for a life partner. Or you don't feel like you want to fall in love and find that partner soon, or maybe you just want to cohabitate share rent with someone for a few years while you finished your graduate degree. The man funnel method is not necessarily for you. This method is for women who want to meet attract and marry their soulmate quickly when I met my husband Josh when I put this whole thing into play for myself off I had made a decision. I was staring 35 in the face and I was didn't want to put 35 on my dating profile. I remember I thought that was like the end of life. I was so brainwashed by the men. I was hanging out with my guy friends in Manhattan. I just didn't think women word a debatable after that now that I'm a dating coach. I know that it's all about your energy women of all ages are finding love, but at the time I felt like just had found someone that that year. So I put this whole thing into play like a well-oiled machine. It was between the fifth and sixth month that Joshua proposed and it was before year that we were dead. Married when you met your now husband, what did your funnel look like? There was another person in my tunnel. I liked a lot and I and you know, I was attached to him. I really like this person, but I will tell you that I knew to keep allowing things into the top of the funnel. So when this person went to Europe to a wedding and then completely ghosted me Josh was in my funnel and we had already been on a handful of dates. So he just became the like the front-runner he just became he took more of an important role. But the thing is that were always we always sort of having a runner and our funnel. We can't ever avoid attachment a hundred percent. But because I had other people in my funnel and I was always filling the top of the funnel when opportunities came. I knew he ghosted but it wasn't and I knew I cared about him a lot but it didn't hurt in the same way that things had hurt before it's like the next day. I had a I had a date with my now husband dead. And I would continue that even though at that point I realized I had an incredible man and things were looking good with Josh. I got a call an opportunity for another date with someone interesting that I was being set up with and I took the day even though it was things were progressing with Josh.

00:15:02 - 00:20:15

I still filled the top of the funnel even though I was starting to feel serious about someone do you see you see what that looks like and how that made a difference so you always want to keep your options open or half other options, even though you're starting to feel excited about a man instead of just laser focusing on that man and start sink your claws into that man. You're excited about someone it's the best time to put someone else in the funnel to dissipate that anxiety. Like you mentioned someone ghosting, but what are some of the other reasons that people fell out of the five or what we're like behaviors to watch out for okay, here's a great one. There was a younger man. He was five years younger than I was and we started hanging out and he was also in the funnel around the time the ghosting birth. I just can't remember who came first. So there was this younger fellow and I I happened to really liked him and we weren't physical. We just had a great best friend baan. Like we had so much in common the issue there was is that he told me he didn't think it was a good time for him to have a girlfriend because he really needed to figure out his career and this is one thing you really need to look out for I was a recruiter by trade. So here I was starting to help him when I'm like, oh well, why don't you do this and he would come to me for advice. So I started getting into this therapist roll with this man. So that's something you really want to look out for and another thing I did with this particular man was he told me that it probably wasn't a good time like I mentioned for a girlfriend and and I started to do something that never ever worked. I started to kind of convince him likeable. Maybe it will be good for you. I mean, I remember saying something like that and those are just things that never work. I could have continued to see this man indefinitely. He was happy with what was wrong. On we had a blast but I had to put it to rest because I knew that it was this year. I wanted to find someone so I reached out and this was a text and I said listen, I need to go find out a find somebody whose birth to who wants what I want and who wants it on my timeline and who wants it with me. So I'm just unable to speak or hang out anymore. You know, I need to move on. I said give me a ring if things ever change for you cuz he had made it clear that this wasn't going to be such a phone call. I said that I said in an attack you mean like ringing like phone call. I hope I said that myth text give me a call like that. That's such a slip but I was very aggressive so he took over you're ready. I'll take that rig thing. I didn't catch that so funny, so I said didn't reach out and he never even he never responded to my text. I was like, oh, wow, he must have been like birth. Must have been really surprised by my text you just they didn't respond. So then I move on and I move on with my funnel I end up getting married to my dream man. And then we're out in a city one night and this number calls that I didn't recognize and I picked it up and it was him. He called after his handful of whatever it was eight months seven months. I can't remember and my husband just caught on in a second and he heard his voice of life. And he said sorry buddy. He always come back don't they always come back so you can see who you had mentioned. I think when we talk that you had a friend a male friend that talked with you throughout this process. It kind of gave you some signs of things to look out for could you maybe elaborate more on that? I think what I was mentioning is that I hung out with a lot of men as guy friends in the same thing and I would watch what they would do in their processes. And so I learned a lot about how men operate and what they're looking for and I'm not saying all men. These are actually the men that brain-dead Me into certain things that like I mentioned like the age men all do something called excited man Babble Tia Pol listeners out there to learn about excited man Babble treat most. Yes, that's a good idea. Most of them will do excited man Babble and I think it's only a small percentage of them that they're saying things that they don't actually mean just to get you in bed. I think it's the exception not the rule. I think the rule is this this man is truly excited about you and he's going to say and do things off, but he may not be able to back up if the relationship moves too fast. And then basically his excited man Babble what I want you all to watch out for is take it with a grain of salt because what I see is just excited man Babble gets us excited and then it raises our expectations to a place where he can't necessarily fulfill it and then all of a sudden were driving the relationship and we're like all birth. You said this you said that so this is why one of the reasons why I created the exploratory phase because anything that that men can say you need to see if it checks out over time over that ninety-day period with consistency a man who's serious about you will stick around while you're not physical with him while you're building that friendship throughout the relationship he will and depending on different things.

00:20:15 - 00:25:17

I think you can snuggle sometimes but if you're feeling like, you know, you like this dude and you know, you're going to get attached that is when I you know, I would say certain scripts to kind of keep things at Bay and then after the 90 days what happens next what happens is if you're going to move into exclusivity with any man, then you just had a bit of a checklist which is what I mentioned. You want to make sure that you both are on the same page with what you want out of a relationship what and what you want out of life. And also what the timeline is on that job. When when Josh asked me to be exclusive I told him initially. Listen, I'm not looking to be a girlfriend. I'm looking to be a wife. I've just not looking to be a long-term girlfriend. So I'm and I thought about it over the next week or so on our next date and I said, you know what? I think that I'd be willing to be exclusive with you and I'm so enjoying spending time together. I just want you to know that this isn't a long-term thing. I don't want to be a long-term girlfriend. What was his response? He said I understand that. So I knew we were looking for similar things when we moved our relationship from just dating to an exclusive relationship. And did you give them a timeline? I don't think I said within the year, but I did say look, I'm not looking to be a girlfriend looking be a wife one day. It was like this emergency. Like he took me out to lunch. I was off working downtown came to take me for lunch and he sat across from me and was like, so what do you need out of life? Like what do you want out of life? And I and you know, I just said to be happy like I don't he's like do you need to log? In Manhattan because his kids were in school, you know on Long Island and I said I don't and we were just having more serious conversations and I just felt that things were moving along quickly and I could really feel that it was I told my mom I said at some point I said mom, I need you to come up to New York from Maryland. I said, I need you to meet Josh because I think he's going to propose and she said no way and so we were out to eat with my mother in the city and I went to the ladies room and and Joshua said to her I want to marry your daughter and my mom's job nearly like HID bulb floor with a band. You just couldn't believe it. She still can't really that moment. I think you bring something up that we've seen as a pattern which is and it goes for men and women. I think we should all get the excited male-female Babel. Yes, not just men but when we really like someone we start talking about the future and you hear that on dates too where you could be dating some fog? I'll and what keeps you going is that you guys keep talking about the future. Maybe there is marriage and future but maybe there's just like long-term planning but I think beyond that is do you here's how this person plans on getting there? So by you bring up the fact that he's like talking about. Hey, logistically, we can't be in Manhattan that's planning and that song that goes beyond the excited Babble. Right? And I think that's something like we can all look for instead of saying oh in in the future. I see myself being in a in a very committed relationship with kids. The better question is how how are you going to get there? Okay, so be on this, all right, we're past. I love that as exploratory stage. Now you you're observing partner see if they're consistent with their actions and their words and and you move into exclusivity. What happens after exclusivity. This is the thing I am Really don't want you to move into exclusivity into you know that you two were on the same page and this is moving exactly where you want it to move and and if it stops and if it gets stagnant, I want you to be prepared to say listen. I'm not feeling appreciated. I'm not feeling inspired. I don't want to put pressure on on this relationship. So, you know, I think I I need to explore and find options and just so you know, what you want to do here. I think being a girlfriend is is as important decision as getting engaged because it puts us in the safe holding pattern with a man where he can Netflix and chill when when he realizes that you're not going to be an exclusive engagement until he knows really what he wants. It puts a man in a position to have to make life decisions about what he truly wash. So you're basically saying put off being exclusive with someone until you've really vetted them and making sure that you guys are on the same page exactly totally understand this and I know we've had a lot of different like as you age Did this a lot of different ways that people approach dating? I think probably the polar opposite to this approach is people that are just going all-in with one person. They're really giving it them all and just see what happens. If it doesn't work out they'll move to the next how would you respond to that methodology? It's time to take a quick break so we can tell you about our current sponsors Sola joined five hundred thousand couples who've used so long to reinvent the wedding planning and registry experience making the happiest moments in couples lives even happier.

00:25:17 - 00:30:14

Now, I asked a friend of mine why she's Ola and she mentioned how easy it was to register for newlywed life their store have the widest selection of gifts at all different prices with over 500 top brands from KitchenAid to Sonos and Airbnb. Also, she says she just loved their free wedding websites as she took it in minutes. They're over 100 beautiful wedding website designs to choose from that fit any couples style and every type of wedding. You can easily add photos stories about how you two met should be even a dog. FAQ section to help address those awkward questions. Like can I bring my kids or do I have a plus one to start your free wedding website or registrate go on Zola. That's z o l a. Dateable again that z o l a. Now back to the show. I think probably the polar opposite to this approach is people that are just going all-in with one person. How would you respond to that methodology? I would say that linear dating is dangerous choice for a woman who feels that she's under a time crunch, perhaps she wants to have her own biological children, but perhaps she just wants to really take that serious step with someone linear dating is not for the woman who feels that she wants to meet someone soon. And this is why let's say it takes 3 months for you to get online and go out and find someone you're excited about your racial can change depending on how good at finding men you are and you know, how fluffing Will you are but basically it could take three months for example, most break-ups occur between three and five months. So let's say you date this man for five months and then it goes south and now let's say you were hurt in that Arrangement that your healing for a month before you can even get out there. Let's count how many months we're talking about so far a month of June doing five month relationship and maybe two months of finding someone right? So that's five six seven eight months into one man already. Now, it takes us two more months to find jobs one. How many how many months are we at now ten. So how many men can we truly get to know if we're exploring men in a linear fashion? So here's the other scenario which is every rom-com out. There is something earlier which is if you feel really good about someone you really like them. That's when you should really feel the funnel. So this is what I see in a birth. Calm situation the girl in the guy start dating. They really like each other. She feels really good about it. Her friends are like dude, you're getting too into the sky fill your funnel go on some dates. She goes on a date with the guy and the guy she really likes ends up seeing her on this date and says, hey, I didn't know you were dating other people use fluctus the whole thing up, right? You don't we all see this rom-com putting I'm not sure what would happen in that scenario. What advice would you give the girl that might happen to someone if they just want to go try and do the man funnel alone? I I teach a course on the exactly what to say and do through this whole process to set a man's expectations. So I want you to do what's an Integrity for you. And what would be Integrity Integrity for me. And what was is that I would say listen, I'm really looking to take my time here. I don't want to get into any physical relationship and I would just want to get to know you on a friendship level and just wage. See if we should proceed after that. I see okay, gotcha. So I totally see that but then I'm just against Playing devil's advocate. What about the guy that takes that to be like, oh, she's not interested. You say you want to definitely make it clear that you're interested in it and just be like I am really attracted to you and this is not going to be easy. But I also like I'm not looking for anything physical and I really just want to take off time and get to know you now. The problem is we get excited about a man and we're generally what I see is people are sleeping with the person like right away third date. Let's say and then they're doing another thing they're getting into these patterns were there hanging out with him multiple times a week and when you hang out with a man two to three times a week for three weeks, how can you possibly be dating others and all of a sudden at your boyfriend took within my dating model I give instructions on how to its pacing. It's called pacing. It's our job a man is going to ram a relationship into a brick wall. It's really our job to job. Is expectation and paste the relationship in a way that benefits us will men get frustrated with this absofuckinglutly. Best thing that I heard today in my man funnel. I have a Facebook group online the man funnel it's free and I help women all the time, but I have a smaller members only and the best thing someone said this week and this was a woman this woman in her fifties guys, and she hadn't had a boyfriend in forever.

00:30:14 - 00:35:01

I can't when I asked her about her relationship history, there wasn't much to speak of she's got this man courting the hell out of her right now. She said I love this feeling of of having men have to woo me for my affection. She said this is so new and then what she said that was novel was the man said, he said you're a frustrating challenge, but I like it and then he said it's my responsibility to to be so good to you that you don't want to date anyone else. Get the competition going. Yeah, this is the kind of thing that puts you on that pedestal. Remember how I had that other dude on the pedestal. This is how I switched to being on a pedestal and the man will see that way for the rest of your life. It's so conflicting right because Julie and I have spoken to so many people about their different opinions of how relationships really work and bought some happiness idea that you have to play games to a certain extent you have to set rules and boundaries and standards for yourself and others would say if it works it just works and you don't have to think about all this stuff and be you know, going going to these exhausting games. What's your opinion about that? Some people feel like they should just be natural and I hear you who can do that. I couldn't do that. Then I was a person who needed I had angst I would get attached. So I needed guidelines to really help me get through this personally, but hey my best friend, she'll birth. For example, she's a natural at love all the things that I teach in master man funnel boot camp about how to connect with a man's heart and how to communicate with a man and how to communicate through conflict with a man. She just got that from her family her happily married family parents in her life. Like she when she looks at a man, you know those women who just you think they have these fair amount of my best friends in seventh grade and she just like always had she would always get the guy she was so at ease with herself and her value and there were no guards. She was just so able to connect and she would sit down and just be like, so like look at you with these googly eyes and just say I want to know about you tell me about you know, and she would just just connect she's amassed her. So in her case, she was working with her now husband, they were just friends and they went to Boston for Thanksgiving and Pudsey. Right away and everything works. So if you're a natural in love, you don't need these guidelines, but if you're struggling like many of the women who come to me who haven't had a relationship in many years. It's because of the the things that they're doing and some things they need to learn. So the guidelines I give and I totally agree with you. These are not games though, but the guidelines that I give they train a woman had a showing up as that high-value woman and when she gets it these guidelines are made to be broken because when they get it then they can throw them all out the window and that's my home for for them. That's my big fish. So it's basically all about like empowering the woman and making her feel like she's comfortable and at ease and not necessarily anxious and if that's the case then it's changing her ways to like get that on the Bayou line. It's a way to prevent her from getting like we all think okay. Here's the situation where you're like, oh, I'm cool. I got this like I'm not going to get attached like I'm going to be fine job. You sleep with him. And then on the back end, you start feeling that angst right and you're like, oh I shouldn't have done that. So my guidelines are for the woman who just wants to date in a smart way to protect your home a little bit. So it's not a fear-based approach. It's just a way to look both ways before you cross the street for a woman who sometimes gets hit by cars and also part of that is recognizing patterns. Yeah the same thing over and over again and maybe it's just trying something different the part that you mentioned of just like watching someone observing them is really really important because I agree like the second like you do have the blinders on you can miss very obvious things of how they're treating you and treating others and all of that. Yeah, I think part of that initial excitement is that you only choose to hear what you want. Yeah. So then when you revisit the conversations later you kind of think well, he did say that I just chose not to hear it off. So tomorrow the red flags are always there in the beginning and then what you're saying about the blinders what you're saying about the blinders is biologically proven like when the oxytocin flows our friends go becomes like a huge percentage less effective.

00:35:01 - 00:40:01

So I do want to mention what you said about like all these games seeming so complicated and everything. I know it seems like a lot to take in at first but this is perhaps becoming authentically hard to get I don't want you to not see him three times a week because you know and make up something. I actually want you to be busy. So I want you to fill up your if you don't want to see other people you can fill up your man funnel with things that you're doing to date yourself chasing Curiosities or just bettering yourself in what other ways doing self-care. It does not have to be other men. But but if you're dropping your life for this man and you're always showing up, you know so quickly and you just like all of a sudden this man comes along and boom. You're just a hundred percent in, Georgia. I think it's a dangerous path for some women everybody just has to find a method that suitable for them and part of that is knowing what get what do you get hung up on home when you're dating I think for me personally I get hung up on disappointment and that disappointment always comes from these expectations that I never communicated it's just in my head but I know for myself these are some guidelines that would help me to curb that disappointment maybe for some of you who are listening maybe you're just a natural at connecting with people so maybe what you should be doing is figuring out what your true feelings are what a real connection is versus just because it's so easy for you to make connections what are some of the Lesser strong connections so should we go into some of our takeaways from this conversation yeah let's do it I mean I think it comes back to its all about you at the end of the day and it's putting yourself in the driver's seat and it's about Keeping you having a full busy life and not just putting yourself kind of at Mercy of someone knew that you really actually don't know that well making sure that you're watching everything that's happening and not just getting hung up on Words looking at the actions that come through and then also staying objective and if someone's not meeting your needs not being afraid to be like this isn't what I'm looking for right now and being able to be have faith that someone else is out there. Yeah. I love that. I love what you said about the truth is, you know, it feels like we don't know the person for some reason just feels like we know them so well, but but you're right they really are a stranger right even if you have like three awesome dates, you don't know them know like think about how long it takes to like really know your close friends and people in your life like to the courts years and think about it's like sometimes we feel like we know the person so well and then when they back away get all silent weird, then we're like, oh my gosh I read dead. Don't know him and it's can be shocking sometimes. Yeah, I think this whole method really goes to how meaningful it is to take control of your own life. And this isn't just damaged but I mean with this so sort of methodology you're saying okay. This is my end goal my end goal is to for some of us. There's a timeline for some others my end goal is to be named after filling relationship with someone who respects me of with someone I truly respect. So, how am I going to get there? I'm taking control of the situation. I'm going to fill up the funnel and this is a way to do it. So it's taking control of our lives our situation and our our minds. Sometimes we let other people control our emotions and that gets in the way of how we perceive the other person, right? So also controlling our emotions and not letting other people have that control. I like this element like that just mentioned you a and making you mentioned two of like basically taking them off the pedal. Both including yourself on is like what you just said you a is like I have goals of my life. Yeah, will that person be there to also fulfill those similar goals for them? Not like oh my God, how do I get this person to adapt to my goals? Yeah, or oh this person. So amazing. How do I keep them in my life when they're not really showing that for me? So I think it's flipping the script of them connected with someone but also staying true to your own needs. Yeah. Yeah. I love what you said you I that's that's so good. Not letting them control your emotions and what I see and the reason why I get so fired up about this. Is that the women who come to me as a dating coach are the women who are in this position where they've given their exclusivity to a man and then they're like, oh I feel stuck like he's not calling now. He's not there like he was before he was so excited and the beginning and now he's not and that is why I'm just so passionate about that and the women I have women in this position right now who are dead. My community and as soon as I kind of fire them up again about how they might get themselves out of it because it's not serving them. It's like the energy shifts and the phone calls and starts behaving better before she had to take action.

00:40:02 - 00:45:14

I think another take away that from what you just said back into those absolutely not a game is not being afraid to have conversations with yeah not being afraid of what they might say. Like if they don't say what you want to hear that's not necessarily a bad thing. It's just where they're at right now and it's important information to know about who they are. Yeah that women are afraid so afraid to rock the boat. They don't say anything to point that you made about like the observation phase and seeing red flags at the beginning. I know from personal experience pretty much every breakup. I've had it was all up front and I just chose to ignore it totally. So I think that whole concept is just a little too real, but actually it's good to know moving forward because you can be aware of Of what those potential right flights are and address them in a way that you can decide. Is it something I can live with or not? Not just ignore it and brush it to the side. Sometimes you hear the red flags and then you don't ass more fun. Yeah, exactly cuz you're you're good or we just think oh, he didn't really need to say that but in the beginning that's the time to ask all those questions, right? That's so smart. Yes. Exactly. And I knew it's it's again being afraid to rock that boat. That's a great reminder to dig into that figure out what's going on with that actually if it's right for you. I think the best time to ask like these big things is the beginning because it's also at that point it's less personal it's less about like me and you as a couple more about like, what do you see your life? Yeah, and you can actually see them like where they're at. Yeah and like best exactly then when you're at because when you're asking it, once you're like months in it becomes more about them being like Oh, I don't want to like say the wrong thing or off. I don't want like you thinking. Oh, I'm going to come off me because I'm saying this right you're so right, Julie and that's what that's why I want women to set their intention very early and Burleigh dates about what they want and just make it very matter-of-fact. Like I'm looking for a wonderful partner share my life with I'm really enjoying the process but I'm looking for something serious right now doesn't have to be on the first date when you're exclusive or he knows that it's really all about him. It puts another level of pressure on honestly. I feel like within the first couple of good the first is good just to like us out of even like the person. Yeah, that's right and see if there's any connection cuz if you don't even like them then there's no way he can feel when you're doing that too. And he knows when you're accept doing something that's not the full Pi or accepting scraps from him and then It ultimately lowers the value that he has for the relationship. So the way you need to approach is like dead. What I want and not set in these words, but it's sort of like if I'm not getting that here. I'm going to go find it and it's sort of an energy that you have the way you express wage doesn't have to be so aggressive like that, but he needs to know that you're not afraid to find what's ideal for you. I think what has always bothered me about women's self-help books and messaging and magazines would be the way they always talk about don't scare him away. Yeah agreed to see this cuz you'll scare him away. Don't call don't like yeah. It's nice to scare him away. I think we have to think about the other end is this is what I want if this scares him away, then he's not the right person for right? So do love that to have those conversations talk about your expectations talk about your standards. And if he's not willing to live up to those standards that it's not a good fit right you can go exactly. Yep. And that's the perfect mindset. That's exactly the goal that I want. And the issue is that a man comes and it's like they only see this man. It's like they'll they want to do they want me to tell them whatever I can say and do to give them to keep that one man. And it's for me. It's always about who's the best man for you? Yep. I think it also comes down to the fact that the end of this is a relationship between two people. Yeah, which is equal partnership and respect and all of that. Not you trying to win someone over and vice versa. So if you're not on the same page not having those conversations you just trying to see what you can do to not rock the boat, then you're not really even in a relationship. You're just in a pleasing situation, right? Exactly. I love that. Yeah, God shall we go on to a question of the day? This question comes from Chelsea who says as I'm dating more and more I'm getting confused about my feelings towards people when I really start to like someone else Feel like I should have more people in my pipeline to offset my chances of getting hurt. Is this a good tactic Megan. I know earlier we sort of talked about a similar issue but I feel like it's a little bit nuanced than that. So what would you say to Chelsea when I was dating Chelsea? I was not giving my exclusivity but I was doing this with integrity and I want you to stay within what's within Integrity for you.

00:45:14 - 00:50:12

The problem that I find is a lot of women feel they feel guilty when I tell them to explore other options or date multiple men, they feel guilty about that that it's out of their integrity. But the question is are you being within Integrity for yourself? And what's truly best for you and your timeline that's really the question and if you sleep on this and wake up and realize that it's in your best interest to not date in a linear fashion, I urge you to keep the top of the funnel invited dead. So if something comes along you don't have to actively like when I was seeing Josh a little more if I was I was a little deeper. I wasn't like online anymore or necessarily actively seeking a date had come along and I entertained that date and had a cocktail somebody eventually is going to still be there consistently over time. It's just going to win your heart and that's going to be the boss man for you. I think you can still be authentic. I think as long as you're showing up and your authentic with them and it's not like that, you're not protecting yourself with a sense that you're playing games and putting up a wall but protecting yourself that you're staying open to other possibilities of this right person isn't so giving them the opportunity still but also putting yourself in the driver's seat right away, but along with that we have to think about consequences, right? So I would say to Chelsea just make sure that whoever you do go on other dates with your exploring with you actually do want to go on dates with them. Just going on dates for the sake right isn't that just defeats the purpose. These are playing a game at that point and also, is a bitch. So if you're just going on someone just for the sake of filling like that time slot. Then that someone's going to do that to you too. And that's the one thing that comes up a lot of times is that you want it like once you do like someone you want to like build momentum like you don't want like weeks to go by cuz it's just even if you had a great date if she much time passes both people just kind of get busy with life and potentially lose interest if you're like working this man funnel and you have a lot going on. Let's say you have a bunch of dates. You really can't see this person for like two weeks. How do you maintain that momentum and also keep an open funnel? I think it's a good idea to to see the person once a week and make it happen. I know there were some times that Josh and I couldn't see one another but then we had that plan we had that date on the calendar and he he knew I wanted to see him and I knew he wanted to see me if two people are dead. Evaded all of that stuff falls into place got it. So it's still making sure that you're seeing someone consistently that you're into but just also filling up your extra time with other potential options. There's times where you might see a man in your funnel a couple of times a week. But if you fall into a pattern with that with a a man where you're you know, how many nights can you go out at week. So let's choose day night. You're going out and Saturday night. That's a lot and if you're doing that consistently every week and it starts to get two maybe three times a week. That's kind of your boyfriend. It makes it there's certain things that really muddy the waters that makes it very difficult to maintain a met a man funnel and what I'll say about what you were saying before is your sometimes you're just not I want you to go off on a date with someone if you feel a little bit intrigued if you feel grossed out by someone sure don't go out my in my dating model the women are learning tools that their birth Practicing their deepening these tools on each and every date. So a date has many functions and it's all about that process. It's not about just to go on a date to like go on a date and see if this is your home and it's not what it looks like you go on a date and and practice grounding tools heart-opening tools and you know way to communicate in a heart Centric way with men and building the shared vulnerability every moment is a moment to grow yourself awareness and to deepen your connection with another and my goal is for a woman to be surprised that at some point she's sitting in front of someone that hey maybe this wasn't the front-runner and her final but she's finding that there's this beautiful shared respect growing and she starts seeing him again and he becomes someone that she can consider for her off her person. So Megan if people want to learn more about your methodology and the man funnel where can they find you they can go over to the man funneled, and subscribe and you will get my birth Egift the four triggers that cause heartbreak which is a PDF download and that gives you a lot of my my guidelines that are are the four things that women are not doing right now that I think are if you're falling in a lot of pitfalls things are not really working out for you frequently or you haven't had a relationship in a really long time really want to download this PDF and get those for trigger.

00:50:12 - 00:53:42

So you can undo the damaging things that you maybe accidentally doing right now and start having success right away and then you can find me in the man funnel Facebook group or the man bun all on Instagram. And you only coach women. Is that correct? I do owe anything else any last words of advice for our listeners Megan before we wrap this up. I just want you to know that you can find your person if you're feeling like someone right now is your person and he's just not showing up for you back off and explore because job Not again that oxytocin. It's so hard to know if it's our intuition driving us or if it's our attachment. I want you to get out there and explore there. There's always another chance at love and I want you to know that just go out there and explore and that is the best thing that you can do to relieve pressure off that one person and have him come back. So once he sees you're really going after what's best choice for you that's just extremely attractive and that's really the strongest thing that you can do for that relationship and you just may be surprised open your heart. Don't don't be guarded and wait for a man to make you feel like it's safe go ahead and let down your guards and open your heart and just try to get to know these people on a deep level without having that physical intimacy and you may be surprised that mister right is right around the corner. I love it leave on that high note good. I love it. Okay. So then we're going to wrap this up, you know listeners. We're always looking for guests for upcoming Seasons. So let us know if you like table. I guess on her show or if you've had your own experience with your own man flannel. We love to hear that story as well on that note stage. Your action item for this week is to fill your dating funnel. Now, it doesn't have to be with new prospects. It could just be other social engagements your friends or even new activities or hobbies that you want to try. It's good to keep your life full. So if someone does disappear, you won't be so devastated try to find five new activities or people to fill your funnel with this week episode of datable is brought to you by 500 brunches five hundred branches connects like-minded people with similar interests to meet in real life over brunch. You answer a quick question are about your interests and not spend your time. And then they'll match you in small groups of six to eight at a brunch spot in San Francisco get a free entry into a brunch Now by signing up at five hundred branches, and using a code date able if you do know already we have a revamped web site with articles videos and content all about modern dating. You can also find our premium y Series where wage Sex analyze and offer solutions to some of the most common dating conundrums. We've had some great feedback about how actionable these episodes are. So check them out on our website or iTunes may also visit the site today to see the latest about coaching where we connect you with dateable approved experts to help with everything from dating profile reviews coaching and even Gathering real feedback about your dating style in a personalized and affordable way to connect with us visit dateable podcast, You can also find us on Facebook Twitter and Instagram all under data broadcast. Don't forget to subscribe and Auto download the podcast on iTunes or your favorite podcast player. So you never miss an episode.

Dateable Podcast
Yue Xu & Julie Krafchick

Is monogamy dead? Are we expecting too much of Tinder? Do Millennials even want to find love? Get all the answers and more with Dateable, an insider’s look into modern dating that the HuffPost calls one of the ‘Top 10 podcasts about love and sex’. Listen in as Yue Xu and Julie Krafchick talk with real daters about everything from sex parties to sex droughts, date fails to diaper fetishes, and first moves to first loves. Whether you’re looking to DTR or DTF, you’ll have moments of “OMG-that-also-happened-to-me” to “I-never-thought-of-it-that-way-before.” Tune in every Wednesday to challenge the way you date in this crazy Dateable world.