S7E21: Single and Lovin' it

Dateable Podcast
December 4, 2018
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December 4, 2018

S7E21: Single and Lovin' it

We discuss the benefits of staying single, why it’s important to grow as an individual during this time, and how to enjoy life while staying open to future possibilities.

Single and Lovin' it

Robert, Jade, and Larry tell us why they love being single and how they embrace it instead of feeling societal pressure to settle down. We discuss the benefits of staying single, why it’s important to grow as an individual during this time, and how to enjoy life while staying open to future possibilities.

Sponsored by Songfinch for $20 off your order use the code DATEABLE at checkout for your personalized song from scratch.

Episode Transcript

Season 7 Episode 21 Single and Lovin it

00:00:00 - 00:05:10

The Dateable podcast is an insider's look into modern dating that the Huffington post calls one of the top ten podcast about love and sex. On each episode, we'll talk to real daters about. From sex parties to sex droughts, date fails a diaper fetishes and first moves to first loves. I'm your host Yue Xu, former dating coach turned dating sociologists. You also hear from my co host and producer Julie Krafchick as we explored this crazy dateable world.

The dateable podcast features real stories from real people of how they make modern dating work or not your host you a former dating coach turned dating Insider boss will on each episode. You'll hear commentary from my producer Julie kraftchick and other surprised co-hosts. This episode of datable is brought to you by 500 brunches 500 brunches connect like-minded people with similar interests to meet in real life over brunch. You answer a quick question are about your interest and how you spend your time and then they'll match you in small groups of six to eight at a brunch spot in San Francisco get a free entry in 2 a brunch Now by signing up at five hundred branches and using the code date able. Hey everyone, welcome to another episode of datable a show all about modern dating. Now. This topic is very relevant for me personally as someone who's recently single wage and trying to love it as much as I can for me single has always been kind of like a layover to a relationship. But today we have three guests with us who are single and loving it and they're huge dollars why they love it and how we can embrace it as well. Okay, so I'm going to go around the room. First of all, hello single people. I'm going to go around the room and just introduce everyone to my right. We have Robert he's been in San Francisco for two years originally from La he's in his mid-twenties and single and ready to mingle off and then we've got Jade she's from the Bay Area from Berkley actually, but she's been very all her life. She's in her mid-thirties. She's dating someone but hasn't really DTR birth. That so she's technically single yeah and mingling and then we have Larry who is from San Francisco. He's a he's been the Bay Area for thirty plus years Larry's interested thirties, and he is single as well does just a little background of how we came up with this topic we had brunch with Jade a few months back how many months ago like six? Yeah six months ago was a long time ago and we started talking about just relationships and being single as we do as we always do she basically was like I been single for a while and I'm totally happy just being single and to me I'm like wow tell me more. I want to know how can you get to that state of mind and how can you be so accepting of just being single and being happy about it? So that's how we came up with the topic. We posted a question on Facebook crowdsourcing other people who are also happy being single and that's where Larry Page. Robert came about all right. So let's first of all are we all I know I asked this already but are we all on the same page that we're single and loving it? Yeah. Same page. Nobody hasn't changed her mind. I would love to ask to Like Larry and Robert like when you saw the post on Facebook, what was it that you were like, I got a reply to this and I want to be on the show. So I grew up in theater, So for me, it's always been like if there's something cool that I want to talk that I can talk about. I love kind of like expressing myself and I've always just been very open book about this type of stuff. Okay. So so you've been just waiting to be on our way cast for a while. I mean, I've been following the podcast since you guys had that party last year. So, all right. I think it was like some relevant to me was pretty cool. What about you? I'm Larry first-time listener, long time. I mean long time listener first-time caller. No, but but I saw I saw the topic and I was like, oh this is exactly who I am. I love being single. I I think there's a lot of pressure in our cultures to be in relationships or be, you know married and by certain age, San Francisco is a little bit different of a city because there's a little bit more flexibility and people get into relationships and get married later in our city and most major city so long, I think there's a lot to be said in a lot to be shared about this topic. So awesome. So let's all Define what single means to you. Let's start with Jade what is being single mean to you? Well for me like I had our brunch we were talking about like relationships and just that what you were saying now about like, how do I get into that mindset for me? I guess it's maybe just more of a natural thing. I just have been seeing most of my life. I've been like in a handful of relationships have lasted for like a year each and I just got used to sort of navigating, you know myself and so for me, I guess single just means that Independence to build my life in the way that I C E. And not answer to anyone which I like and it's something that you see long-term being single or is there like an end goal like eventually I want to be in a relationship. I think I'm definitely open to being in the right relationship, but I don't have when I talk to my friends about it. There can be a range of emotions around like feeling failure just like the desire to be I don't have I just immediately I guess they'll have that desire of like I have to be in a relationship, but I'm absolutely open to it for sure.

00:05:10 - 00:10:03

Okay, Robert. So for me single is off about three or four weeks ago. I got an offer to move to New York and I got within two inches the fact that there was no one I had to ask permission of to move across the country. Hey, like what J was saying? Nobody could answer to so there's there's a lot of freedom in being single. So that that's missing on this is just having the freedom where if you go on a few dates or someone and you don't like them, there's not a huge cock. Versation there's not like a whole lot of emotion. You can just kind of your only accountable to yourself into the people you care about and what's your end goal? I do eventually plan on being in a long-term relationship. But for at least the first seeable like six months to a year, I'm personally making a goal of not being in a relationship because I want to learn to really like myself and get to where I want to be before I bring someone else into that so long and you and Jade are a little different in that jaded right now is open to being in a relationship with the right relationship where to come along you've actually paused this for yourself in the next six months to a year until you can become ready yourself to be a religion. Yeah. So the way I've been describing it, so I'm an engineer and an engineering we have this thing called refactoring and refactoring means the product you've built has gotten so broken down rather than like continuing to move it forward you take like 3 to 6 months and you just fix all the gunk that's like know like refresh refresh. Okay, so I wanted to see we'll give him six months to a year off. Much. Can I refresh everything? I'm doing to the point where I'm like ready to date and also ready to kind of find someone who I'm really really interested in. Okay, Robert. You also just recently got out of a relationship too. Right? Yes. So I got out of a pretty serious relationship. We were together like three or four years we had moved in together and it was kind of one of those things where she was amazing. She was kind. She absolutely checked off all the boxes, but I just didn't have that like butterfly in my stomach feeling. So this time around I want to make sure that I optimize my life to find someone who like every time I see them my heart skips a beat and so I figured that fixing my own life would probably the best way to get to that eventual end interesting. I lost twenty pounds. Basically. I'm trying to have what I would consider my perfect life, but also what I would consider them my perfect partner to consider a perfect life to be a part of right, right? Okay, so you're prepping yourself gearing up my my what I told my sister about this the way she described it was your building a nest off. Main train tracks. Yeah. Yeah, totally some eggs and then ask God about single. I mean, I thought it might have an issue single was the conventional definition of signal is not being in any serious relationship not being married and not being committed or engaged or dating anyone monogamous life and so single to me means available ready to mingle. I think everyone is open to dating I think timing has a lot to do with it. You're free to date other people. You may be on going on a couple of days a week new people, but you're not committed to any one person. So all of you guys are on the same page that single to you is definitely dating hooking up like it's not like I'm being celibate like to walk and not the not the it's not single-handed. I'm single and yeah, but Larry what's Your end goal. I actually don't have a track. I try not to think too. I mean, I have long-term goals in terms of my personal career and things I want to accomplish and I think if if and when you know, I meet somebody that's the right person I think things can happen really quickly and I've seen people get married very quickly have children very quickly after being short, you know, monogamous relationship. I've seen people who have known each other and been best friends for twenty years, you know, fifty years not married, but very committed to each other like with kids. It's just fascinating. I think all our lives are different and I'm very open to whatever happens kind of happens. I feel like all of you guys are open to find that partner that ideal partner and eventually when you get there Robert, what is the vibe that you're putting out right now? Because it sounds like you're hey, I'm single I'm totally happy being single young people who are possibly looking for a relationship may stay clear of you and say well she sounds like she just wants to be single or he sounds like he's just happy being single. Have you thought about like the vibe that you're putting out their wage? Finally, I mean, I don't know that I've like reflected too deeply on it. But yeah, I do think that I give off that impression of being sort of like this free-spirited person who doesn't want to be locked down like you just kind of does her own thing and I have question about like cuz they're having people that have been interested in in the past that they kind of get that vibe from me and like maybe they will just see me as like, oh, yeah. I'm in town like Let Em. Yeah or like let me just have this person be the person that I have fun with but I guess I guess I haven't like reflected on it too deeply where it's like.

00:10:03 - 00:15:35

Oh, I'm going to change like who I am or whatever so that I can be more attractive to me. That is a person that wants like a monogamous relationship but it is something that I feel like it would be worthwhile for me to to consider. I've I've unfortunately had to have that conversation a couple of times where I'll be casually seeing someone else and then we have to have the by the way I'm not trying to take this any further type of thing the vibe generally tried to give off is I'm living this life that I'm living I go to lots of Avengers. I do lots of activities you are more than welcome to come along and I will I'm more than happy to have you there but understand that like right now I'm just living my own life. So you think even if you don't like the dream girl, you would feel that way or do you think it's dependent on the person that's definitely depending on the person but it's that I'm not looking for that right now when I was a kid, I played this video game with like Hercules and like it was it was just like Disney game and there's one line that always stuck out for me were like, I think it was like Aphrodite said like before you can love anyone else. You must first love yourself. Yeah. And so that that like weird stuck with me through my entire life and like that's kind of the vibe. I'm getting off this. I'm trying to make sure that I'm super okay with that before I even like consider like yeah. Yeah. I do think that you can get caught at least for me cuz that's like your mindset is that you were kind of intentionally single right now, right and like for me I feel like I have that mindset for a lot of times in life where I'm like, okay. I have to get this thing together. I have to like know my cell phone number. I know that it's a continuous like process and I think that sometimes I get stuck in like well once I have these things accomplished in my life, then like I will be in a better space to like attract the partner that I really am or whatever. So there's no end to that. I'm thinking can be yeah like in France, you know, if you don't have like a kind of a stop point where you're going to be like, okay cool. Like now I know I mean, yeah well, so that's why I put the time limit on it and I'm actually doing all sorts of weird wacky shit to try to like see what I can do in terms of like taking like dance classes kick voice classes just purely seeing like after six months of that. Is there actually a noticeable difference in my dating life when I actually go back into that world. So you're okay. You're newly single exploring this new phase. I feel like Jaden Larry are like have been a phase for a while if I'd gone through this. So maybe you can Enlighten probably happened six months from now. I think I think it's important to Rob's point. I agree. Actually we need to be the best dog. Universals, how can we be good to somebody else if we're not here to ourselves first, right? And so I'm I'm more of in the camp of I really enjoy my life as a single person. But I also know that I am intention of of being kind and warm to the people I'm around regardless of whether I'm trying to date them or they're just a friend my family members et cetera, right the clients I work with I think who I am and the energy the question was what type of fiber energy that we're projecting, right? Yeah. What whatever is always on with on the top of my mind is seeking the value for to bring value to somebody somebody else to help them out to see if I can be of service or be of thought this to somebody else. I think I forget. I think it was Maya Angelou said people don't remember what you say or Carnegie Dale Carnegie. You remember what you say, but they remember how you made them feel exactly. Right? And so am I try to keep that in mind like right so I'm not concerned with what I'm giving off. I'm more concerned with how I'm making other people feel right and so selfless we're looking at I know I'm pretty wonderful that way off. So I heard a lot of every curious like to hear more about like what is it about the single life that everyone loves like there was definitely some things that was said about like freedom and not having to answer to anyone else like two things. I guess. It's straight as a strange question for me because like I said, I feel like I've been single like most of my life. Okay, like the things that would enjoy about being seeing largest a part of my life. But okay one of the things I remember that was a challenge for me in my relationship that I was in I wanted to to go to Carnival. I remember breaking up and I'm feeling like 3 months to like travel and like if I wanted to like hook up with somebody like I could if I wanted to just like be free like where would I want it? I wasn't thinking about kind of how that would affect the other person or how may be representing them. And like I just appreciate I guess feeling like I could be my full self and to me that also like indicates that the person that I was with was not without the right right? Yep. Is that it definitely highlighted that and so, you know, I feel like I'm like my best and fullest self and I think that as I get older I am becoming more comfortable with who I am and learning like that who that person is cuz for me a relationship is at least it has been for me the strongest person in my life has been people that I have dated that said you shouldn't be doing this and so I think like when I experience just being myself in the world and not having that partner sort of it could mean it has felt like I can get to learn and explore myself more and the more comfortable I am I feel like the more yeah, I'm able to share myself authentically with someone that what you love about the single life is relative to your experiences of being in a relationship, which now people who told you know people who set lots of boundaries and rules, but what about you guys have you been like what's your relationship history and did that shape how you look at single birth? So my last relationship towards the end we were living together.

00:15:35 - 00:20:17

But before that my ex was living in South Bay the way our relationship would work is Friday afternoon. My ex would be there when I got home and Thursday afternoon my ex would be yeah the weekend girlfriend. I've well because we only see each other on weekends. There was very little time to myself. Oh I see were working all week. And then your down time you felt like you had to spend that time with her exactly. I see okay when she came up it wasn't her house. She didn't really have her own San Francisco social life. Right? What she live in South Bay if we were going somewhere. It was bringing her somewhere. Probably one of the biggest things is getting a loan time back. I really really really enjoyed having a loan time again, which is also been a really cool space for self-reflection nowadays. Most weekends. I'll take my guitar go to Dolores Park and just like smoke some weed and play guitar for a couple of hours would yeah. I could have done what else with my action I think one of the most precious gift. We have for ourselves is the freedom of time. It's also one of the most precious gifts we can give each other is time to be present with ourselves and time to be present with the people that were with right and I think I think as just when we're single we have the freedom to have that time to Rob's point to be present with ourselves to work on ourselves to understand ourselves, but also better ourselves so that we can be better versions of ourselves or the person that we're going to be with one of my greatest fears is not just being in a bad relationship but being in a mediocre relationship. Oh, yeah, and mediocrity is I think is just probably the worst form of Hell on Earth is when there's so many things that there's a I think I read a meme Sports at every everything in life that we do. There's so many things that are mediocre mediocre food. We have mediocre jobs. We do mediocre things like we have video coll princes love should not be mediocre. Yeah. I really believe that and I think and that's not to say that you know being in love is is always bad but this it's just when we fall into places of complacency we were cut off Go with something and we're comfortable with how things are where Comfort comfortable with things that are conventional and standard things start becoming the yogurt and we're not the best versions of ourselves. Yeah. And so I think the freedom of time the freedom exploration exploration as being single I think that's great time that we can use to be present to ourselves. So everyone here is pretty much on the impact me if I'm wrong on the same page, it's your it's not that you're not open to a partner but it's the right partner and you'd rather be single and enjoy being single then be with the wrong partner or almost like if you don't find someone who makes you feel as epic as you do to yourself. Yeah, then what's the point of being with someone because you can probably make yourself everyone in this room is very funny epic Larry. You also mentioned like that for your work you're traveling a lot. Could you kind of elaborate more on that? And how may be if you had a significant other family how that might not be as possible but actually get this get this question as to me a lot is I travel about twice a month on average most of my birth. Travels domestic here in the United States. I'm a producer and a photographer. So a lot of the people and the clients that I work with are all around the country travel schedules get kind of funky sometimes because thousand times on either flying out on a red-eye or really early morning flight in terms of dating. I've just had to be a lot more intentional about the time I've seen on your Facebook posts. It's like living a life. I don't need a vacation from I always life really resonates with me. So I think that's really cool. But I guess like if you had like a partner family or other obligations of someone else to report to maybe that's not the right word but share share with other people you want to take into account. How do you think your life would be different? It's time to take a quick break so we can tell you about our current sponsor some finch song French brings your stories and memories to life through one of a kind radio quality songs with personalized songs starting at $99 and delivered within a week their community of professional song writers will handcraft the best gift you can give if you didn't hear in the episode. Couple weeks ago we use song Finch to create a song for two of our friends and pass dateable guests Boris and Kate a couple that met on JDate remember them. So we got a four minute song back from recording artist John Gardner. He was brilliant and as for Kaden Boris, they absolutely loved it. 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00:20:17 - 00:25:08

How do you think your life would be different? Yeah, I think relationships are Partnerships, right? I think it it's a two-way street. I think you have to give just as much as you take for myself. I give to myself a lot when I'm traveling abroad. I make sure I have time to hang out and check out different sites and have moments and schedule times with people that are in those different cities. And I think when we're in a relationship off of that has to be shared even if the person that you're with is not physically there with you a lot of those moments need to be shared and so a lot of it is comes down to communication. I think the theme I hear from all of you guys this is idea of like sacrificing or giving up something for someone when you're in a relationship and I can see why so many people choose to be single these days because you go on these dates like whatever on a first name and there's that generic like first date talk and you're like just getting to know each other on a surface level. There's no way you can walk away from that date and be like, I'm willing to give up my current awesome lifestyle for this person took then you kind of just go. Okay. This is not the the right person and then it takes time to get to know people but we again you guys have life-size where you don't have the time to give to get to know people so becomes a cycle. Of like I will give someone a chance to go on a date with but am I going to give up my life right now for this person? Probably not right? I don't know if it's I don't know if it's a thing where I feel like I have to get something it's more of a thing that I want to share with somebody and so when I when I go with my first date, so the first second third dates, I'm actually not asking that question of whether or not I want to give up anything. It's more of a can I see things just moving in a direction where we're sharing things. So, how do you how do you get to that then? What are the questions you're asking as far as I get him to a point where I feel like I want to share my life with someone for me. I I've seen this progression happened. I've I've seen myself grow in a lot of ways related to my career. So I've been like figuring out my career for probably like eight or eight or ten years. I feel like I'm I'm teaching to like becoming like an artist and now I'm working at a tech company. I think it has to do with me feeling like I was self-sustainable. Like I actually now able to take care of Myself and my own needs where I don't feel like I have to depend on someone else but I think that for me like the the more that I'm able to take care of myself and like reach my personal goals the more that I feel natural inclined to like, I guess want some more traditional things like oh, yeah for the first time in my life, I'm like, oh maybe I'll like actually be like a homeowner. Like maybe I'll like do things that I just counted myself out of life because I just didn't feel like the self-sustainable. And so I feel like for me in my progression like the more I'm able to reach those goals. I think it'll be associated with like me feel like I have a lifestyle. I really want to share with someone because I've seen like the progression of the past few years and what that looks like for me and my life, but can you build that lifestyle with someone there to get that just sounds like check boxes off but it's it feels like check boxes. But for me, it's it's real like it's a real for me. It's like I'm not going to force anything. Where does it naturally come from me from within so me being like a dog? I know maybe just seemed like material but for me to say like I want to own like a home and feel like a genuine desire to do so and and know that it was not a goal of mine before just like I counted myself out of it off. I'm going to be like more likely to like go after that goal and attain it if I actually genuinely want to do it and I think it has for me to do with like building a strong base for myself if I can take care of myself and like for me I think like if I want to have kids as well like it would be like because I'm in that like supportive relationship where like that makes sense for us to like grow into that but it's not like a natural desire of mine want to have kids. So I'm open to I actually what you're saying real life resonates with me and I think some of it might I don't know like your family history, but I'll say my own is like I kind of understand what you're saying cuz like I remember like my mother was very dependent on my father financially and was drilled in a very early age like make sure that you're like independent because like you can't control things. So I totally get what you're saying about like building that base for yourself. I think that there is a natural progression of birth. If you have like a base for yourself, you connect with somebody you want to like grow with and you like whatever appropriate. Yes. It doesn't always happen in that way, but I still feel like there's a there's a sense of life flow and to how things can be and I see it happening for me. And so I've just been trying to trust my own process and not feel like I have to reach things by a certain time, but that's the other thing my I hear from all three of you guys is I'm living my life the way I can and whoever wants to come along for the ride they can and then we can see what happens as opposed to like creating a space for someone to come along for the ride is what I hear Jade saying is like she may use security.

00:25:08 - 00:30:06

She values having a place she values, you know, having things kind of set up for her. I'm not saying it's it's a check check box thing, but it's more of a this is how I feel safe. This is how I feel good about myself off. Whereas other people value experiences, right? So I want to travel I want to see things on experienced things. I want to see tastes and eat as many things as possible and and take pictures and and all that sort of have these relationships job. and so for me that value you know that value drives my actions by the end of the day a different people value different things and I think there has to be some type of alignment in a relationship one of my friends had a really good saying and this was actually the saying that kind of led to me and my ex splitting up oh well not like completely it is kind of it was just a moment but he said was I want a girl where I'm as fascinated by her life as she has been mine which has back to like when you were saying like the general philosophy of we're kind of doing your own thing you're welcome to come along the reality is that I'm looking for someone who doesn't just come along I'm looking for someone who comes to the cool things I'm doing but also has such a cool independent life of her own it's like all of a sudden I'm fascinated by what she's doing as well like shared experiences where you have this Mutual all of each other exactly right yeah but they're they're issues with that because I totally get where where you're coming from but I feel like the more wage Epic I make my life the less options I have in potential suitors because the less epic I think other people are so then it becomes this kind of idea of like, okay who's who's going to match his lifestyle I've created for myself. And then if I do find that person then it becomes like sometimes it comes competitive. It becomes like oh who can take on more trips or interesting projects and then it's like I have my independent epic like you have your independent epic life and it's hard to merge the two at a certain point that sounds more competitive than collaborative. Well, can you suck operate when you've spent all this time building your own awesome life and then you meet someone else who's on the same and then you come together and you're kind of like, okay. What how are we going to collaborate on this because I've spent so much time doing this for myself. So I've never had an issue with jealousy of a partner. I am more than happy to date someone more successful than I am doing cool things than I am like that is just never been something that personally is God. In my way. I've also just kind of had this philosophy of like I want to find my Michelle Obama. I want to find someone who's looking dope in their own sense and like doing such cool stuff and in doing such cool stuff makes me want to try harder. Yeah, and they're in business. There's a mergers all the time their game and then there's also Acquisitions. Okay, there's a saying that goes wisdom requires a flexible mind, right and I approach every interaction I have whether it's you know in the dating situation or a friendship situation. I'm always actually my of what am I giving to this person? But what don't I know that this person could teach me right? What am I not seeing that this this person can show me right? And I think if we approach a lot of relationships that way I think there's a lot to be learned in terms of operation where then it's not a you know, I'm creating this awesome Epic life, but also I realized the more epic my life becomes the more I realized how little I know about life the more like we don't know what we don't know. Yeah. Yep. Meet someone that shows us what we do that's very true. Right and so they may be epic in other ways. Right? I've dated a woman who is not an amazing traveler photographer or whatever, but she was an amazing poems and she's a great writer but that's only noticed I think in their readings and and Jane is an amazing poet actually have her book also offer. I wish she signed for me the first time we met actually so I think I think a lot of it is actually really being open to sharing these experiences and open to and having enough modesty humility to say, I don't know some things that this other person can teach me. Yeah, right. And so then it's not a stock market, you know, if you're not a competition of who has more epicness, it's how can I share in your experience? Exactly? I mean, I'm not hearing your perspective Robert. About just like taking the attentional time they'll to be you know, because I have really felt like the times that I've really focused like, you know, I guess specific energy like around the time. I was writing my book. I felt like I had like this great energy around the I felt like the you know, I attracted someone really great around the time that came into my life and I had a relationship with but I've also found that other stages of my life as well. Like when I feel the most often and like I'm really doing things in my life. Like I I tend to have higher quality like partnership like a hundred percent agree on that too. That's fascinating because don't you think even how you feel about single life today could change tomorrow to it's constantly evolving right? Depending on what life experiences you have? I feel like for so many years.

00:30:06 - 00:35:09

I love traveling by myself love doing things on my own and this is like the first year where I was like, I've actually stopped enjoying traveling on my own. I want to share that experience. Not not may maybe not with a romantic partner, but at least with some off I want to share these moments you been on top of the mountain where you're like man, I wish someone else was here, you know Sunrise I have this one friend that I travel with every year and we've been all over the like moved all over the world. We did like Asia last year. We're doing South America next year. And the reason why I love traveling with this friend is we have a situation in Japan where I said, I want to go home and he said I want to go to a soccer. We said cool. I'll go to me, you go to a soccer. Let's meet in Kyoto on Thursday it like that's the best. So you want someone that is still like you want to be around people but you want someone that can be flexible independent. That doesn't make you feel trapped. Exactly. Yeah, he wants to be able to track but I think I appreciate your like point to say that you naturally fell off now. I want to share this with somebody right? It's just like it feels like it's not like about yeah, like checking that off for yourself at least like in the the travel category or whatever. It's not about that. It's about like naturally feeling like that and I guess job Like the way about like going out like when I was like, I went always go out whatever like in my twenties and I always feel like I will never get tired of doing this and in me, but I feel like natural. I've seen myself like it's not want to do it as much and so in my mind like hoping that in other, you know things in my life, I can allow that to progress as well more like really genuinely like yeah want to share those things. Either way. We're going to booty SF later today if anybody's interested. Yes, that's what I was kind of getting from a lot of this too. Especially like what you were saying Robert like cuz you're like in your early twenties right twenty twenties. So I think that's like a huge area and time of like self-reflection and like finding yourself. So I think a lot of it does just happen organically and I think what's really great about everyone that is like I'm using single like I'm not looking at being single as a bad thing. I'm looking at it as a way to like maximize myself and understand myself. So say that like when you are single You really have to use that time wisely, right? It's not just about being the state of being single but like all of you guys are doing you're bettering yourselves. You're exploring different Hobbies or interests and you're trying to figure out what you don't know and being more curious about the world. I think it's just so important when people say cuz we always have guests on the show who are like going through dating fatigue. I'm going to delete all my apps for the next few months. I'm just going to chill. Well, I actually don't think you should chill like those months that you're not actually actively dating. You should be actively dating yourself right do stuff with yourself a better. You're like, I'm obsessed with self-improvement. I hear you. Well, are you and what I mean by that is so I actually keep like pretty extensive journaling wears off. I'll do like monthly check-ins with myself and I'll have a section for love life section for finances a section for friends and I'll actually kind of breakdown who I want to be in two to three months and what small steps birth. To take to get there. Yep. So like it like by through journaling and through kind of just checking in from a meta perspective. I'm yeah you get the most out of your to you is point what she's saying is your intentional about it. There are a lot of people who are not there. A lot of people are just either upset or distant disenfranchised about it. Yes, and they're just not into what you are saying is do what Roberts doing is being Channel about self-improvement or what Jade and Larry are doing like I mean, I think it's amazing that you wrote a book, you know, like a credible like you're going to like all these different cities. So just like those are like amazing things that it's like filling to yourself. So there is one thing I want to yeah, really emphasized to anyone out there who's not having as good of a time being single. Okay, which is odd even if you are someone who is enjoying being single you absolutely I absolutely still do get those nights where like you feel lonely or now that I'm not living with my ex anymore. They're dead. For all of my friends are busy and I'm absolutely alone for the night and those nights what I tend to do is I ask myself right now. I've been given four or five hours. What can I possibly do to change that will make the rest of this month or the rest of like the year slightly better. Can I be practicing a skill? Can I be like reading up on an interesting topic? Because if you end up spending the whole night watching t e yeah Reddit then you end up exactly where you were that led to that night being alone in the first place a hundred percent. I don't think that's bad to be alone. I think I've gotten busier and and as as as our business and career has advanced I relished the times have I mean I don't pay $20 for an hour of TV right now like just to have that time just to meet I mean I try not to drive anymore.

00:35:09 - 00:40:18

We're because I don't want to sit in traffic. I'd rather take a lift and and be able to to read up on something or spend some time answering email responding to a message or something like that. And so I think as we get older and more friendships wage. Old the more relationships we have the more importantly we recognize that there are some really high-quality people that we need to constantly like stay in touch with I actually don't feel lonely anymore. Because I feel like I feel like yeah, I think changes I don't I feel like I don't have enough time for people just because you're don't have a romantic partner doesn't mean that you don't have other relationships through your single. Like this is what I'm experiencing as I get older my friends are dwindling because people get married they have kids they move out of San Francisco cuz they want to have a have kids elsewhere, you know, and I feel like it's not so much that I feel lonely, but I feel like I have less people in my circle. So then I want to expand outside of the circle. I want to meet new friends where I want to go out a little bit more but then it having new friendships at this age range is really difficult, right? Cuz everyone has very established Social Circles. So what would you guys say about that for people who are feeling that so does that that topic actually I spend off More time with my couple friends nowadays who have kids I invite myself over to dinner because I want to make an ocean. So it's it's you know, they get busy. Yeah, and they're they you know, they have I have a friend who has four kids, right and and I was talking to him and he looked me in the eye said Larry I haven't slept in ten years, right? And I said, you know I feel bad for you. But you know, he's it's so nice Larry that you're asking me out to go to dinner. I just need a break from my family or I'll bring myself over to their place. I just have a strong enough relationship with them where I know I can do that and I know for me being having a little bit more flexible of a schedule more so than say a parent of four or parents to kids. I have to take it upon myself to reach out to them. I mean I have to be I have to go out there and be intentional about it. And so I'm very intentional about my friendships and relationships and to your point as I've gotten older my age groups have dwindled but I have really strong relationship that one of my best friend's lives in Vegas have another really good friend who lives in New York, right? And so we talked and these one guys married the other guys divorced right and we off All the time have another guy who travels through Asia a true friend that traveled to win in Singapore and went to Hong Kong and I talked to them pretty regularly also, but that's over the phone. We schedule a time to chat and these all actually email friends of mine. And as I've gotten older I've I've found that it's so important to bridge those gaps of geography and time and lifestyle and all that stuff. Right? That's one thing that people like one thing that comes up all the time is like I think you kind of hit on this little Larry that on the wet like West Coast in San Francisco large city specifically, it's not as big of a like what about like Society like looking down or saying like, oh why you still single at a certain age? What's everyone's thoughts on that? I think I think our culture in general in in many cultures were very conventional right? I'm I'm Chinese and my Chinese family whenever you know dim sum or a Chinese Gathering I always get asked. Hey, when are you getting married who you dating right now, you know what's going on? Like you just can't do your career and and my response to that is, you know, there's so many things. I want juice. Variance in life and I want to be the best version of myself like I think in America our education system and this is a whole another topic but our education is designed to create a bunch of drones that work. You know, I mean, we're down when we go to school if we go to regular Public School credential school where drones through college and then we're drones in our in the workplace, right if we're working corporate and not that work incorporates bad in America a little bit more. So but in in Asian cultures were encouraged to be individualized. Yep, right and I think we're constantly encouraged to be conventional. Yep, right. I've made a choice in my life. I've known that from the from the from the get-go for when I was five years old and I was drawing pictures. I knew I was artistic and I knew my life wasn't going to be conventional cuz that's just who I am. Yeah, that's just where I am, right? I think it's important for people in our society to really understand ourselves. You know, that old saying know thyself off so powerful. Cuz once you do know yourself, the more congruent you are with your life the more alignment you have the more joy that you have because you're you feel like you're living a true version of yourself, you know, some people juice And say some people are very happy being conventional. Exactly. Yeah only feed and there's nothing really not for everyone. It's I feel the same way. I don't feel pressured to be conventional or unconventional. Yeah, so you are off and it is important, you know to know which which category is category and at what time it is and cuz sometimes there are times where it is time to be conventional and practical and responsible and there's times to you know, enjoy life a different way. Right? And so so how do you handle it when people are like why aren't you married? Why are you dating someone like what nobody really asked me that like, they asked me like who am I dating? And then this point they're so easy to me being single day just like she'll figure it out. Yeah. I also I think because I've been seeing so long to I do question like will I be in a partner a long-term partnership in the future and sometimes I do look to them by people who I see who are single and older than me and I look at their lifestyle and like I do draw some sense of inspiration from them cuz I still see like their lives are vibrant.

00:40:18 - 00:45:01

Yeah doing a lot and like they have beautiful fridge. Epsom relationships. I don't necessarily see it as like I'm going to be a failure but I mean I will say that it's not like I feel like that my whole life, I think I'm coming to feel like that or maybe coming to terms with like the fact that like I'm single for longer than I would imagine that I would and maybe I will be single for a longer but I feel like I'm more comfortable with it. Yeah, we had a past guest. I remember Heidi starred. She was saying a writer Thursday we spoke with and she was saying like how a friend of hers like think she hit her like 40th birthday and was like, I'm still single then she like looked around and was like, okay. This is what it is. This isn't so bad, but I'm pretty happy with my life like and then I think she liked met someone right out there because she like became like comfortable and happy to Jay's point. It sounds like you've found yourself you understand yourself off and comfortable resolved. Yep, which I think a lot of people in their mid-twenties in and out of this like dating and absence of event that I don't know if they've had that experience yet. Still navigate, which I think is great that Robert you're like conscious about it. Like I think their birth Yeah, intentional that you're like I'm at the stage that I need to do this. So what I do love about this conversation, is that although the three of you guys say that you love being single enjoy the day of the single life as sounds like it sounds like you're all at different phases of your life. So like different life stages, which is great. You know why we had all three know that people at different life stages can enjoy being single and that's that's a wonderful place to be so I think we should wrap this up with some takeaways. I think we should focus on the takeaways on people who have a hard time being single maybe they're newly single or there's frustration dating scene. What are some takeaways that you would offer to them? Let's go with Larry first. I think it's important to just know yourself, right and and find out what your true like North is in terms of what you want your career to be what you want your family to look like set goals and then be just there's a there's a book called discipline is freedom. I think if we are disciplined with how we take care of ourselves, I think we've there's a lot of freedom in that right and Ed. And I think of a lot of things will fall in place Jade I would say that you know, obviously your mindset around it will help determine a lot of things. And so if there's a way that you can consider them, you know how they can be viewed as positive and even if it's just like a reflection and seeing like what that lifestyle brings to you. It can help you appreciate it more and just be a comfortable in that space. It doesn't mean that you don't necessarily have to strive for what it is that you really want. But I think just maybe it's like just cliche but using that time to you know, get to know yourself and like what I like and you know, I guess the concept of dating yourself. Yeah, I just like the idea of like figuring out like how to be grateful for that because that is a stage at your at this stage in your in so why not try to pull out, you know, whatever you can that's positive about that space Robert consider your free time as a gift if if and when you end up in a relationship you won't have again or not nearly as much of and when I think back to times wage Travel alone. There was one kind of phrase that kind of stuck in my head and phrase was beautiful loneliness where you're in a restaurant in a completely different country and you're eating alone at a in fact most people consider eating alone in a restaurant as like a kiss of death, but there's something kind of cool about sitting with yourself being purely present with the food you're eating and with the surroundings around you down and try to enjoy it try to find the things that you really like and if you make your life more and more awesome people will come. Yep. I think what I love about this conversation is like everyone else is secure positive happy with where their life is but you guys are all still open. So I think there's like the balance of the two and it's not that I don't need nobody. Yeah exactly, but we're not anti like fake like something that like all of you have basically said is like when you use this time to like better yourself, you've had this like natural like radiation and like wage But getting to a place that you're happy reframing what single means and looking at it as a way to experience and better up yourself and what you've been wanting to do the biggest takeaway. I have four months of this conversation, which is don't approach sing being single as a product of dating fatigue and I and I say that because we've all fallen into this and I've done this too. I'm so sick of dating. I need to just love being single and it doesn't it's not forced that way coming to embrace your singledom singlehood single mesh a natural progression. All of you had to go through an evolution of some sort to get to that mindset.

00:45:01 - 00:49:39

So one be patient with yourself knowing that it takes a while to get there. And once you're there you just feel comfortable. It's like off he's the anxiety is no such a very liberating. It's liberal liberating but not in the way of I don't need nobody. I'm so independent but in a way of I'm open to meeting place. On sharing my life with other people, but I'm also at very much at ease with myself. Right? And I think the other part is I think so many people want to say I feel like heartbreak or I feel like I'm lonely or I feel sad why you know, like how do I get over these feelings and and just be happy being single but it sounds like everybody's everyone said you go through these feelings even being single and happy is like with anything in life. You just have to validate how you're feeling and it's okay to be feeling these things. Like don't feel like Society tells them to be single. You need to be happy all the time and like always, you know praising your own Freedom. It's not that way. I think we can always have the ups and downs and the reverse isn't true either just because you're in a relationship doesn't mean you're happy. So well that was like that came out a lot that it was like you guys aren't opposed to being in a relationship, but you want to be in the right relationship and you don't want to just be in a relationship to be in a relationship off. Everyone's comfortable on their own and that's a change in society that's happened Our Generation. That's something I've really taken from. This is like I much rather be alone and working on bettering myself off them being in a mediocre relationship. Even if it's a secure stable long-term relationship and that's how I feel some people may feel differently. So I think again to Larry's Point really know what makes you happy. What are your values of what what are the things that make you feel secure and safe and satisfied and and don't listen to what other people are telling you should be feeling right off, you know yourself best. So I'm kind of other have a really hot one iced and then a really long secure that's what I'm saying. If you work right there, maybe people off each others that are like, I don't agree at all. Yeah, totally fine. That's like everyone I liked that point of like some people want more conventional some people do and it's just up to you. So that leads us to really wrap. Stop because we want to hear from you our listeners. If you feel like one you're like in the same boat, you're single and loving it. We want to hear from you or maybe some of you have told us that you're going to be single forever and you're convinced of it. And you've accepted that love to also here if there's people that like do not believe in marriage like do never want families and all of that like very feel strongly about Excel and also be an interesting conversation. Yes, and anybody who wants to be set up with any of the single guest on our show and all three of them are open. Okay. Well, that's a shame that your action item for this week is to think about this just because you're single doesn't mean you're alone use your free time to not only better yourself but also to connect with your girlfriends. Hey when you have that down time in your Uber, why not reach out to that friend who just had a kid, you think they're busy but they will surely welcome your call this episode of datable is brought to you by 500 birth. It's 500 brunches connects like-minded people with similar interests to meet in real life over brunch. You answer a quick question are about your interest and how you spend your time. And then they'll match you in small groups of six to eight at a brunch spot in San Francisco. Get a free entry in 2 a brunch Now by signing up at five hundred branches and using the code date able if you didn't know them ready. We have a revamped web site with articles videos and content all about modern dating. You can also find our premium y Series where we dissect analyze and offer Solutions took some of the most common dating conundrums. We've had some great feedback about how actionable these episodes are. So check them out on our website or iTunes music also visit the site today to see the latest thoughts about coaching where we connect you with dateable approved experts to help with everything from dating profile reviews coaching and even Gathering real feedback about your dating style in a personalized. Affordable way to connect with us visit dateable podcast, You can also find us on Facebook Twitter and Instagram all under dateable podcast. Don't forget to subscribe and download the podcast on iTunes or your favorite podcast player. So you never miss an episode.

Dateable Podcast
Yue Xu & Julie Krafchick

Is monogamy dead? Are we expecting too much of Tinder? Do Millennials even want to find love? Get all the answers and more with Dateable, an insider’s look into modern dating that the HuffPost calls one of the ‘Top 10 podcasts about love and sex’. Listen in as Yue Xu and Julie Krafchick talk with real daters about everything from sex parties to sex droughts, date fails to diaper fetishes, and first moves to first loves. Whether you’re looking to DTR or DTF, you’ll have moments of “OMG-that-also-happened-to-me” to “I-never-thought-of-it-that-way-before.” Tune in every Wednesday to challenge the way you date in this crazy Dateable world.