S7E3: Therapy for a Therapist

Dateable Podcast
July 31, 2018
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July 31, 2018

S7E3: Therapy for a Therapist

We discuss breaking patterns, the importance of self-work, and how to become a more mindful dater.

Therapy for a Therapist

Dr Rachel shares what it’s like dating as a therapist and gets real about her own mishaps in dating which has allowed for her to practice what she preaches. We discuss breaking patterns, the importance of self-work, and how to become a more mindful dater.

Episode Transcript

S7E3 Therapy for a Therapist

00:00:00 - 00:05:01

The Dateable podcast is an insider's look into modern dating that the Huffington post calls one of the top ten podcast about love and sex. On each episode, we'll talk to real daters about. From sex parties to sex droughts, date fails a diaper fetishes and first moves to first loves. I'm your host Yue Xu, former dating coach turned dating sociologists. You also hear from my co host and producer Julie Krafchick as we explored this crazy dateable world.

This episode of dateable is brought to you by five hundred brunches. Five hundred branches connects like minded people with similar interests to meet in real life over brunch. You answer a questionnaire about your interest and how you spend your time. And then they'll match you. In small groups of sixty eight at a brunch spot. In san francisco get a free entry into a brench now by signing up at five hundred brunches dot com and using the code date able. Hey everyone welcome to another episode of dateable. Show all about modern dating. Now you've heard the phrase practice what you preach. I've had many of my doctor friend's not take such good care of their health and we've all known teachers who probably aren't so good at their subjects when they're out of the classroom but you know you gotta practice what you preach and today we have against her name is dr rachel who is a clinical psychologist and she's on not only talking about the psychological side of dating but also what is the like to date as a psychologist herself. Such a little background about her. She's thirty three years old of from new york. She's been in san francisco since two thousand and eight she single and going on dates like i mentioned. She's a clinical psychologist is here to share how she puts into practice. What she preaches with her own dating life will be talking about dating mindfully and wish implemented to help make the process more fun less anxiety provoking an more likely to land a high caliber partner of it turned rachel. Welcome thank you thank you. What is it. Like to date as a clinical psychologist. It's fascinating And i think provides me with a lot of opportunities to as you said i. I was telling julia when we talked that. I'm sort of my own best case study. And so i think as i colleges who so interested in and steeped in enthralled by relationships in psychology and dynamics that worker don't I've been able to sort of look at myself. When it comes to intimacy and love putting myself out there in an reflect a little bit on the ways in which i go wild if in in destructive ways historically i've been able to sort of use my innate interest in introspection to get that me to a better place when it comes to home showing up so before we get to your dating story. I want to know first of all. This is a dumb question. Yes the difference between a psychologist therapist. Okay that's not a dumb question at all A psychotherapist is sort of a wide term. That a psychologist can be but so can a marriage and family therapist a psychiatrist could even be psychotherapist so they go a single their business really just any clinician. Who's doing clinical work. Providing therapy hum a psychologist is someone who has obtained a doctorate in psychology and maybe doing clinical work may be doing therapy but may not be making researcher teaching or being director of a programmer. Talking on podcasts. So therapy is one thing a psychologist can do you. A therapist also. Yes okay got it. You have a specialty area I i work in health psychology with very specific to the ways that our health is multifaceted. Mind body connection. How physical ailments work with psychological and emotional stuff etc impact one another but i also really passionate about women and women empowerment and women advancement and communication. And all of that and mindfulness is sort of an overarching approach. I take my work. So what's the. I'm trying to think of the ven diagram here. Yeah not all therapists. Psychologists correct got it and not all psychologist or therapist understood. But as a professional over analyzer. Dating i wanna hear about your dating. Lena's i know you got out of a long term relationship and your dating life really took a turn the show Tell us more about what that experience was like. Yeah yeah. I got out of a a nearly two year relationship with the guy who is living with an. I knew it wasn't right for a long time. I was in it and so getting out of it was profoundly liberating and so with.

00:05:01 - 00:10:01

That was a lot of dating. I was dating a lot of men pretty much every single weekend. I was drinking a lot of alcohol. When i was going on with these men and i was also having a lot of sex so i was having the type of saxon i hadn't had in two years or ever really you know i was dating kind of man who were so high end like i think in terms of physical attraction i hadn't quite let myself experienced in so was freeing in those ways because i think it wasn't it was an exploration a bit of an experimentation solidification of like my worth But then you also mentioned when we talk. Some of this came with reject and some other feelings worse disappointed loneliness. I'm guessing worst. I guess like thank you i to. Let's yeah data my self worth and then that all came crawling down to talk about that a little interesting because i think it's in the face that's important to bring in julie and i'm glad you said it because yeah dating can be treacherous and requires so much resiliency when you inevitably get rejected or Feel heartbroken feel tired of the same old story. So i think i tried to use each an opportunity to sort of be with disappointment or whatever it was but also what it allowed me to do. Sort of like if a dude didn't follow up right sex with him and then he never called even though i really wanted him to what it allowed me to do his touch base a little bit more about. What do i want here like. Do i just want one. Night stands room. Chevy's wasted. yeah shit face wasted. You know but then but then what's happening there then. Not but i also say i wanna partner and do i and so i think the the mock and the pain and the disappointment helped me get clearer on what i needed where i wasn't. Why and then sort of make intentional decisions based off of that. So did you not have these realizations before the two year relationship. Not really. I think i was focused on on school. Then i wasn't as conscious of who i was. It was a lot more insecure. And i was dating a lot but i think i was going out with more men that i would never now. I wasn't as connected to who i am now sexually then and i was also pretty shutdown in terms of vulnerability and intimacy so were there any like situation specifically during this dating period that stuck out as leg. Yeah how do i deal with this. Yes it's disappointing to me. Yes one man who comes to mind very bowl. Ooh do tell okay. Well so this is a guy who i just. I fell for big time. 'cause i i mean my knees went weak. You know and i sort of was a puddle in his hands for a long time. Because i thought there was this cosmic connection but also he symbolized to me dislike alpha man. That was interested in me and wanted to be with me and made me feel beautiful and so i was just like struck but he was totally emotionally unavailable and was pursuing me. Intermittently in it was he he was a kinda guy wouldn't really let me finish the sentence and wasn't quite in a secure place in his life so in a lot of ways. I was underestimating myself but also overlooking. Yeah red flag. Totally big time and i didn't understand why because i was aware of that process but i couldn't make sense of like what is this. What the hell like. Why can't i let them go. And or why. Do i stay engaged in this thing that i know i'm better than and so that's where my syrupy comes in my personal therapy that i used often to explore what this was and what he meant. And what it meant about me and blah blah blah so juvenile breakthrough. Moment i i. I had a major breakthrough moment where he was sweeping and wanted to hook up last minute and i just finally said no and it had been like three times prior to that. I had said i'm going to say no. I never did. I can and then. Finally i just said no no like i deserve better than this. Here's what i need if you can't give that to me. I wish you well. You know. I care about you blah blah blah. But no. what was his response. He tried to get me to go back. Conduct really tried to finagle himself. In and then winds was clear that i was grounded in where it was coming from it was amicable and loving and friendly and we wished each other.

00:10:01 - 00:15:00

Well i'm telling you. Something clicked in me that i don't think i'll ever be able to go back from okay. The floodgates opened and i started to expand what i had been limiting myself in my life and my career in ways that like i started writing more. I started trying to get on podcasts. I started a website. I started a blog. I started just this like deep connection to my own capacity to like do things for what do you think it was though the the power to say no and carrying it out to say no and taking control the situation helped you take control of other parts of your life. What do you think really got you. There was the guy or was it just where he were was. It was my ability to look out for myself in that way when prior to that. I had tried and i have betraying myself. I kept saying no. He's not good for you. Wouldn't doing and then i would do it. And it was in direct contrast with what i knew was best for me. A lot of people do that. I self included. I've been there before. Why do you think from like psychology Why do you think people keep going repeating behavior. That's not serving right number adding pattern over on people do it. It's so deep the core beliefs that we have that are so ingrained in that we've been programmed to operate from for so long a really hard to rewire and require bold brave willingness to confront these things. You know so. I would depend on what it is but for me. I was like staying engaged with this guy who wasn't available to me emotionally so i had to look like what am i believe about what i'm worth. What are my beliefs about how beautiful i am or not. What am i you what. What am i really telling myself in believing about myself in a cellular level. And where did that come from. And what do. I need to start doing to prove that wrong. So it's a multifaceted process that that people have to be willing to confront look at offer compassion around and then stay committed to the diligent practice. That's required to make change you. Think some it's like subconscious. Like i don't think i can do better than maybe some of it also is like because the You have this person in front of you and some level. That's obviously working right. Wouldn't be there offer. Yeah and then. The other unknown is finding someone else that such an unknown. Do think like some of that struggle to think people are so stifled by fear. And i thought you said it beautifully you know. I think it's this and it often. It's like under the the our recognition that so many of us are living our lives and we're not conscious. Yeah we're just living. We're like on autopilot programmed. That's where we are in. It's not until sort of slowed down and say like hold on. What the hell is this. what is this. Why do i keep doing this. What's happening for me. And i don't think you can do it alone. I think you need a skilled therapists to help you. Look at that and it takes time. I think also. Denial is a lot of it sometimes. What what we're going through Also the hope of the potential someone changing the situation changing right. Because what's what these people do. These people who breadcrumb you or you know they they kind of string you along. They know exactly what they're doing. They give you a glimmer of hope. And then they disappear and they give you a a little bit more glimmer of hope so then every time they reward you with a little hope a you feel validated yourself but something you said that really stood out for me was portrayal when you betrayed yourself. That's when you know a change needs to be made so maybe we can go into some of the more Framework of how you should think about situations like this because what we went through. I think millions of people have so we can all relate to what you went through but from a psychological point. What are some tools. We can use to organize and to analyze our thoughts so that we don't repeat the same patterns again So good question. I think it starts on getting clear about what you're doing when it comes to dating you know what are you wanting. Are you just looking to have fun. Are you really wanting something serious. So you have to set a clear intention around the behavior or the energy and be really so. I think i don't know if everybody's doing that. So i think just sort of giving yourself the time to check in with what your intentions are in and get clarity. They're also what your values are right life when we live in ways that are misaligned with our values. We don't feel good we.

00:15:00 - 00:20:01

There's like a rub. There's a dissonance there and to that could be a good sign. Like why am i feeling so crappy. When i wake up the next day and i supposedly had this really fun while drunk night but i'm anxious and i and i have to give my phone to my best friend so i don't text him like there's something off about that and maybe it's funny and it can be cute but if it's happening every you start to feel like this disappointment in your ira ns. Because i wasn't living aligned with my value of partnership Being seen in being truly intimate. Oh wow okay. So that's really powerful for me to think about because sometimes when it comes to dating your girlfriend sit around and talk and we're like what are your standards. I don't kiss on the first date. Or will i whatever like. I don't sleep with some until the third date. You set these very empty standards. That aren't rooted in your values so instead of make me Setting standards of what you're willing to do with someone set your values first and then work around boundaries of what that means what you're saying is if my values are to have some respect me as a partner than that boundary could be. Somebody needs to return mike. Tat majo- booty. Call me at railway. And that's the only time i hear from you in then. I think the other pieces like doing actions that align with my values is by accepting that booty call every night time than your missile line. Because we're we can only control our own actions can control. There's so there's no point setting boundaries for other people right. You can do it for yourself. Tackling great. Yeah so i with therapy more is like i mean i've done therapy and i think it's like life changing and somebody ways but sometimes i even have you taught it's like what are you actually do. They're like how does this affect you. And i've personally had trouble. Put it into words so like how do you think like the whole process. Therapists work in a situation like this. You know i think. On a lot of levels you create the safe container are of intimacy and being able to explore these things with compassion. And it's not always easy. So i think the therapeutic process is one in which you feel safe to be challenged around these ways that you're abandoning yourself around this way. What you're behaving differently than what you say you value or just getting clear about what your values are and i think a really skilled therapists will help you see yourself and not let you hide from yourself because i think a lot of people wanna go no. They might benefit from therapy but are so frightened of the pain or the discomfort or not really knowing what it is or how you know how it works and so don't really show up with a thing the depth and honesty required for change to happen. But i think you have to feel safe. And i think you have to have a good therapist guiding you there in ways that are tactful and help you get at the stuff it keeps you stop like sometimes so on autopilot with our lives that we forget who we are and with therapy feel like you can truly need yourself but you have to be very brave to meet yourself your true self but it's so necessary. I've experienced in my life. Where i could go like months without checking in with myself and then months later. I'm like what happened. That was such a alert. I m. I let that happen to me. Who am i any more. So i think a lot of the benefits of therapy is yep yourself. Yeah as a psychologist yourself. In a therapist yourself i guess. How did you break through what you were just talking about and get out of these patterns konduz therapy again so i'm going to be. I have a dynamic therapeutic. Duo i i like to call them. My dynamic duo have my in person therapist jesse and he's phenomenal and i meet with him Once every other week in person. And then i have my amazing spiritual mind full relational female therapist who's through the platform talks face and she's in la. And so i've been into. I used her in a very different way to send audio. Messages to each other therapists also have other therapists. My god the do. We're only human. Yeah i feel like it helps me be credible. And i'm i'm doing the hard work myself every single day. Know what days. Well part of it too. We've been saying it's like this other person like a third party kind of carving that time out for yourself with yourself. edp are therapists right. You just can't do this affect right. I mean without a doubt. There's limits took all of us. And then were so relational at our chorus human beings without that type of external support. I don't think we have the capacity to get through it on our own.

00:20:01 - 00:25:00

That's not to say we're not powerful in another ourselves and can do a lot every day for ourselves but without a doubt. I don't think i'd be where. I am today in myself if it wasn't for them in their support. One of the things we mentioned earlier was mindful. Explain more about what mindful dating as. Yeah we'll so you've mentioned a couple of times. You like this autopilot. We've we've spoken to that and i think what. Mindfulness is a a recognition and awareness. Of what is happening right now. In the present moment our minds are sort of hard wired to you know. Think about what will happen to dwell on what did happen and were very. It's not unless we're being mindful that were with what actually is happening. And that can be incredibly helpful To our brains and to our health and happiness in wellness so when it comes to dating. I think it's probably one of the most important places to be present. Be aware that's when you're able to say. How do i show up for myself. How do i connect to that value. How do i connect to this to taking care of what i know. I need to fostering intention And so i think that type of asking yourself what's happening showing up on these dates with clarity not being wasted. Yup you know. I mean really taking the time to connect with whoever it is. You're on the date with and not muddle that with anything. Mindfulness is tiring though. 'cause you're thinking about all of your intentions every moment and then also thinking about. Are we having a connection. How do we connect. What does this connection me right. How someone who. Let's say has been autopilot. Dating for awhile slowly easing themselves into mindful not. Just become a total over analyze our. So that's important. Thank you for asking that. Because i think i want to emphasize mindfulness as much about staying present as it is about letting go so i think the monkey mind. The autopilot might ease the one. That's over overthinking nervous. What if he doesn't like me. What if i think that's the monkey mind that's now tackling exhaustion kicks in. Mindfulness is just connecting. Maybe it is just about slowing down enough to be still to check in what's happening in my body. What is my intention. How do i wanna show up here. And then letting everything else go yet and then it could be checking in after the date. How am i feeling right. Does this person like me like my values right. What's important to me. And i think you know it doesn't have to start right away with dating. Maybe you can try with a meal. Totally mindfulness is every day. You have a meal. Men sit down and think about. How did that meal make me feel right here. That with like diets Nutrition all the time. Yeah mindful eating. And i think that points to this need to take care of ourselves before we engage in the dating process. Because we're not gonna get the person. We are most deserving if we're not mindful in another solves or slowing down enough to figure out. What is this. That i'm eating. And how does it make me feel when i'm done with it. And what does it taste like. So yeah i think Even if you just like had a piece of chocolate you know and sat with that uninterrupted for a minute and messier. It really does anytime. Y'all hong so are you. I guess how is translating to your own dating like what are some examples of being mindful in your dating sure. Yeah and so. It's very different than what it was. When i got out of that relationship. And so i have set very clear parameters on the dates. I go on and with who And so what that looks like is not like being willing to say no. Yeah today a huge one. I mean without a doubt And even if that means having a weekend or two weekends where there's no dates like that's perfectly fine. People are very uncomfortable with that vary. Yeah because i think for a lot of single people out there. They're still so much stigma. I think we live in a great place to be a single professional person in your thirties but But i think even then you know a lot of people still worry about how they're being perceived if they're single yet so having these dates lined up can be like oh. I'm i'm desirable. You know you know or i'm doing active to where i need to be opposed to leg where it's not that you're not doing active by taking carrier. I don't see it right right. yeah so being willing to say no. I think that's really helped me. Go when i am going on. Dates the caliber of men just feels higher.

00:25:00 - 00:30:08

Because i'm not going. I'm sort of limiting obsessing out the joe schmos earlier on to save power. You sussing them out. You know if a if a guy doesn't respond to me in a reasonable amount of time if he's not asking me questions if he doesn't use my name you i when a man doesn't say hey rachel like there's something about that on my mind using my name is this like your copy paste every. Yeah it just So there's these qualities that and then i guess another ways i'm looking for shared values. And does he seem to be happy and light it out our her or his pictures Good does it look like he has friends type of you know the guys who just like have like the same like selfie pick. Yeah like in with just like a different So i guess in those ways. And i think it also is just this feeling like i do. I like the questions. He's asking me Do i like that. He seems to really want to secure the date in is giving me enough time That type of thing. I i sort of get a sense around nat and that could be different for everyone but i use are sort of the hurdles that you would have to go through making make you feel like this person is someone you want to spend some time right. Yeah okay exactly. And i could hear people saying if i put up all these hurdles like is anyone gonna get better that i am i ask you. What is your take on that. That's a question. I think it's a. It's a constant a balance between discerning. What i shield myself. Or am i setting you know acceptable limitations around what all put myself out there for. I don't say no to a guy because he's too short. I don't say no to a guy because he doesn't have higher education. I like so i. I am aware of the ways in which i'm open and wanting to be flexible and i don't feel rigid and if i started to i might look at that And maybe i will. Now julie afternoon and flip side though. Is that like you know yourself so well that when you actually meet someone they probably have much many of values that you're looking right. I don't know if there's a right or wrong gray don't necessarily even think i feel that way and just could see no. It's wise julia. It's a good point thing it's like it reminds me of of boundaries. Even you know because they those can be too rigid. It's about not saying no to often and not saying yes too often. It's really finding that sweet spot for yourself or your open. But you're also discerning. What if someone came to you and said you know. I've been practicing this for a long time. I'm very discerning. When it comes to my dates. I just feel like there's just not many people out there suitable for me. How do i change my mind. Cetin to the one of instead of scarcity to one of abundant there is someone out. There is a great question. It's time to take a quick break so we can tell you about the latest service. We have been building over here at dateable. We've created a platform to connect you with vetted experts from our network including a free intra session with dr rachel to help with everything from coaching with dating. They're apy dating profile reviews and even ways to get real feedback about your dating style. The sessions typically run from thirty minutes to an hour and can be done via skype or google hangouts so anywhere. Listeners have been sharing. How worthwhile their sessions have been with comments about how easy the coaches are to talk to how they have provided a new perspective and how they have created actionable ways to inspire change to meet the coaches and book your session today visit dateable podcast dot com slash coaching. Now back to the show. How do i change my mindset to the one of incentive scarcity there is someone out. There is a great question yet. So i mean and i work with that all the time people who have these self-defeating beliefs or narratives. And so what we do is we name it explicitly. The belief is there is nobody out there for me and then so part of the process. I think the mindfulness piece comes in when we can get some distance from the thoughts we have from the things we tell ourselves that we just believe or make to be true. But that's all on our minds. So i think there's a way that we can say i'm having a scarce. Caught him having a dog. That's coming from scarcity and it's not me. It's not true in so i don't have to. I can just sort of notice it of. There's that thought there is that fear that i have that i'll be alone forever. High like watch coming goes sort of like the clouds in the sky that are passing by So there's that. And then. I think there's also the ability in what i do with people who i treat is really get specific about the veracity of the thought and it may be that the the statistics indicate that you don't have the best shot at meeting the but then we have to look at in.

00:30:08 - 00:35:03

What ways can you be more flexible. In what ways can you be open enough to meet the circumstance if that's what it really is But keeping yourself stuck in this idea which is just what that is an idea that may not be actually true. So i help people look at the evidence and way way the facts and then come up with something more balance that is more real which is more true and then we'll work with that. Yeah i mean. I think i've definitely done that before as well in therapy. It's like okay. I think this but wait. Actually i look back on my life. This was not true. Not true and try to like component and then be like okay since in the past. I've seen that in the future can also be right. It's a yeah it's fascinating because we're all so stuck in our own minds and sometimes we create our own reality that we think is real. Yeah but it takes a third party to come in and be like you know. That's actually not really look at the big picture and then you kinda fly out of the real world you'd think resist and you're like oh shit there. There's a lot more going on than i really think. They're look at other people to give. It's like i feel like with the abundance versus scarcity's like you hear like dose eligible single people in my city. But it's like well all my friends managed to fi- there's people that want to settle down like it's not like there's no one right so yeah and i think if if someone is coming from that belief then then they're going to be shutting themselves off yup and they're not enact like the unconsciousness and so that's when i think a third party a therapist can come in and help them be able to really identify for themselves the way that that's not actually true and that maybe that's coming from fear that they're not really good enough like right right. What's deeper there. I i rather have people go on less dates but quality date yet says day after day and this is why we have so many people writing in saying go on day after day after day and none of them amount to anything. Well that's almost the same thing. As saying i go on to quality dates and i gave it my best. I'll be quality dates. And i think there's less burnout when you go if your life and do other stuff and you're not just like a full right. Yeah and just like perpetually disappointed so you have your own dating program leave started. Can you tell us a little more about that sure. What i have is at this point. I have a a workbook. Mindful dating workbook. That really helps people work through a lot of the things we just talked about and there are opportunities for mindful reflection. You can really check in with yourself about a lot of this but basically what it is is how to get clear had said intentions how to explore self limiting beliefs that maybe you're not conscious too but that are getting in the way of you finding what you say want. There's a what. I like to call a curious exploration of fears because i think we all are very scared a lot of the time and let the fear get in the way of doing things that would be best for us. We want to always be compassionate towards yourself for feeling scared but not letting the fear win or determine what we do. And then there's this cultivation the program of courage which i'm actually planning on elaborating on more. That's just really where you get out there and used the rubber hits the road there so you start doing the things that you haven't been that are gonna get you where you wanna be in yourself and with whoever it is you're wanting be with in dating or relationship. And how does someone get their hands on this workbook. The workbook at this point people can just sign out four if they go to my website. It's an accessible way to work on some of these things if you're not quite ready for a therapist You wanna start looking at this. Freezer solid wall. So what are some of our takeaways from this whole conversation. Well some of my takeaways are again. I think it's that we have to realize that we can only control our own feelings our own actions and we can't control other people and a lot of times we do datings. We blame the environment. We blame the city. We will blame the other people on apps when in reality everyone has the same complaints so we gotta start with ourselves first and one. Is this mindful dating. That dr rachel's men talking about which isn't just about like analyzing your own feelings and your own values in your standards but showing up for dates and being present and making each date and experience that's memorable versus like just checking off the list Just so you're not home alone on a friday night. That's probably not the best date and then too. I think we need to face ourselves at least once a week.

00:35:03 - 00:40:04

I this is sort of my own guideline for myself. Once a week i need to take time for myself to check in and say how did this week make me feel not just eating wise but how did how did my friends make me feel how to work. Make me feel how. Can i change the way i feel about my life right now. And what are some things. I need to be doing taking initiative with and that's what i think as long as we work on ourselves. We become a better environment for ourselves. Right and then we start. Attracting leagues ameliorated our lives and that includes a potential someone as a partner totally and i think there's obviously something to the once. A week is therapists. Tend to recommend commence on so. Obviously dr rachel talk to that. More but I think one takeaway i mean there's so many but like we're all human. I think sometimes too like i mean you think like oh. A therapist or psychologist has all figured out. I will always ask us to even from this podcast. Like oh you guys are dating experts like you know everything. Yup you're in these fields. You hear a lot and yard to know and be understanding but everyone has their own ship that needs ticket. Like there's no one has a figure it out even if you've narrowed for twenty thirty years like there's something with everyone so it's just accepting that in owning that not as bad if you don't feel like you're comparing to someone else you know. It made me feel good to hear that you are hot mess as a foil as in like as someone going to a therapist. It's interesting because you never know your therapist. Like i went to their massachusetts music. But like i don't know anything about her read. I think there is so they kind of nice though it but i do. I will say what drove me to the therapist. I felt like she actually could relate to the stuff. I was talking about so i think the fact that you actually have lived in. Breathe it in the actually kinda correspond to our podcast to is. It's like we know it. We've been there ourselves like it's so much easier giving advice and actually doing it right so it's kinda nice to know that person gets it. Yeah yeah you know. I'm putting. I as a psychologist and putting myself out there in a very personal way which i think is my own risk. I'm taking but it feels right to be vulnerable on this way. And so yeah. Yeah you're expecting your clients to be vulnerable to do it right to rachel from all of his demon takeaways. Well i think you both have helped me as a psychologist understand. Maybe how mystical therapy. Es for some people or how you know so. That's interesting for me to know. And because i'm so steeped in personally and professionally. I'm just like therapy. You know and so. I think it's important to search for people to meet themselves where they are and for music professional to meet them where they are two and not get ahead of the game will also. I'm not alone not alone and you're not alone. I'm glad that you felt like as a psychologist. You can relate yet So one thing that we hear a lot in. I've actually experienced to like weird even find therapist. Like where would someone find you. If they wanted to work will they can go to my website I'm also i mean. They could direct message me on instagram too. But i'm also listed on psychology today. That's a wonderful resource able to find therapists. Google search. I think. I would even come out like if you were. You know looking for a psychologist in your area. You could just type that in. Google and money should come up. Yelp is another good plays And the apa. Which is the american. Psychological association has a directory that people can go to and then if there are people out there who can afford therapy or private practice. Clinicians can get so there's plenty of like sliding scale community mental health and places that people can research it just type in sliding scale community mental health center In your area. But i would assume trying to find the right. Therapist is sort of like dating jagai. So what us. Some questions people should ask when they're trying to find the right therapist for them. It's so true. I just been guiding one of my best friends like had a therapist. So it's true you got it. Give yourself time. I don't know if it always matters how long the person's been in practice. But you might wanna know you might ask sort of what. Their style is or if they're influenced by a certain theoretical orientation and then you can research that to see if that is something you're interested in and then i would say more than those specific questions you know. Tell them what you need support with. And if they are like you know if you feel understood by them or say yeah i can help with that and i would say also dissimilar to date and get a feel. You need to feel understood in seen in safe and supported by your therapist so i used to called reflects in.

00:40:04 - 00:45:03

They did a really great job with this. So it's basically citing goto they'll match you with therapists based off of yeah like being. They're pretty new startup specifically in the bay area right now and basically they'll match you therapist and then you get three free video calls you can talk with three people and then you can like ask questions like what i found was like some more spiritual somewhere more practical writing some of. It's like not like oh they were bad or grid. What jobs wealth. what you're looking for. I think i also brought up the topics specifically wanted to talk about and you could kind of get a feel of like now. How in depth. They knew irwin on some of that or just like not even that but even just like what their reaction was. And then you're like oh that's interesting Kind of like can feel it out that way in this one actually is also a discounted rate too so yeah people should definitely check it out. Tele therapy is huge now. And it's a wonderful way for people to get support more support for less money to be on gossip. Did better help before doing this. Carson and better help is very similar talks. Yeah you mentioned some. I actually think the online is a great gateway. Is it such an easy barrier to get in time about like some people might be like. Wow that sounds like a lot of work to go research methods and all that and it's like it definitely. I think sometimes the online can get you there. And then like i got to a point that i was hit. I feel like i've gotten enough out of online. Read that. I'm ready to see someone do the in person talking and i think there is a huge difference of the two not that one is necessarily better than the other different so that could be a starting point for people to. I wonder opinion on this because this is purely opinion based but all. My doctor friend's medical doctor. Friends always say find a doctor who resembles you so for me. It's a young asian female me. 'cause they kind know your body they're going through whatever changes you're going through. Would you recommend the same for therapist. Maybe some kind of going through the same things you're going through right. I really don't have a hard and fast rule in that way. I think it can offer something valuable but so can a therapist. Who is you know an older gay man. Let's say or i. Don't i think beyond demographics or specific life experience. You know. i think you spoke to it. Really well julie. Just sorta like this five. This feeling you get connecting to them. Do you feel understood by yet. I don't think they need to have your exact life experience to understand. You got right. No one will even if the same demographic right right right right. I also like there's i could see the benefits of someone that's more your peer. That is in the same stages also could see the benefits of someone that may be older. That's has that. Like hindsight is twenty. Twenty hours speculative. But i don't wanna be re explaining what tinder is to. Someone always never wrote an all data. You know what i'm sure. And so there is something to that. And i actually saw in one the polly community groups. They were talking about like. We're as a good therapists. Some are like. I don't want to explain or be judged dive style aso. My my therapist in person is a man and he's white and he's probably my age and i think he's gay and then my therapist in la. The talks face therapist Is an old. She is but she's a woman. And i think she might be jewish. I'm jewish so there are these ways yet and they both sort of provide me with something new uniquely valuable. So it's a good question. And i and i to your point i think if my in-person therapist like didn't know what it was he really seems to get it. Yeah so does she Like you both have been there. Yes you know. Yeah yeah. I think personally for me because i was really scared therapy culturally. We are just are just not accustomed therapy in general right but one of the things that really scare me about therapy was how someone who doesn't know me. Give me advice of my own life. But when i tried therapy i was like. Oh it's not about someone telling me what to do with my life but to really organize my thoughts and put labels to my thoughts and this is the one thing that really helped me am in how i think every day is none of your thoughts are invalid so you should always validate your feelings and your thoughts. Don't ever try to deny them. And that's where the problems could rise. Oh i have this feeling that. There's nobody out there for me. But i'm a denied that thought it's not true. It's not true and that's when you present yourself a feelings but it's like you just have to accept and recognize those feelings. They exist and validate them and then think about ways of changing rhinos.

00:45:03 - 00:48:25

Totally so practice what you preach. But you don't have to be a professional do that now. Think about the the advice you give to your friend are. You should also be giving yourself the same nice. Sometimes my last takeaway is like we're so hard on ourselves. Yeah in. I think like the reality is like like this like no one. Has it all figured out. So it's like just remember that. Cut yourself some slack and listeners. We've all been a hot mess at some point in our lives. We should embrace it. We should champion it and we should just accept it and know that everyone. Everyone's in same boat right. That's that's how i learn and if you don't if you don't go through these mistakes on heartbreaks and you never learn you never grow so be grateful that you've been through these areas and now you just know what you'll never do again hopefully again if i take four times but you'll eventually other therapy. Thank you dr. Rachel for coming and telling us you're very honest dating experience. We appreciate that you know. Even professional has exact same issues. And it's just really how you organize your thoughts and learn from those thoughts. If you want to get hold of dr rachel we'll have a link in the profile and also you can just reach out to us. We can also do that. will matchmaking. so we're also looking for guests for season seven. If you have a topic you wanna talk about. If you have someone you want to refer let us know because we are filling up these guest spots very fast and we want to bring you new and fresh topics every season so with that said. Let's say our goodbyes. Stay oh your action. Item for this week is to practice mindful dating. Give yourself a moment to sit quietly intentionally and ask yourself what are your fears and insecurities when it comes to love and dating then recall times when these fears showed up on your dates and you from being your best self. This episode of dateable is brought to you by five hundred brunches. Five hundred branches connects like minded people with similar interests to meet in real life over brunch. You answer a questionnaire about your interests and how you spend your time. And then they'll match you in small groups of sixty eight at a brunch spot in san francisco get a free entry into a brench now by signing up at five hundred inches dot com and using the code date able. If you didn't know already we have a revamped website with articles videos and content. All about modern dating you can also find our premium y series where we dissect analyze and offer solutions to some of the most common dating conundrums. We've had some great feedback. About how actionable these episodes are so check them out on our website or iteens music also visit the site today to see the latest about coaching where we connect you with. Dateable approved experts to help with everything from dating profile reviews coaching and even gathering real feedback about your dating style in a personalized and affordable way to connect with us visit dateable. Podcast dot com. You can find us on facebook twitter and instagram. All under dateable podcasts. Don't forget to subscribe an auto download the podcast on itunes. Or your favorite podcast player. So you never miss an episode.

Dateable Podcast
Yue Xu & Julie Krafchick

Is monogamy dead? Are we expecting too much of Tinder? Do Millennials even want to find love? Get all the answers and more with Dateable, an insider’s look into modern dating that the HuffPost calls one of the ‘Top 10 podcasts about love and sex’. Listen in as Yue Xu and Julie Krafchick talk with real daters about everything from sex parties to sex droughts, date fails to diaper fetishes, and first moves to first loves. Whether you’re looking to DTR or DTF, you’ll have moments of “OMG-that-also-happened-to-me” to “I-never-thought-of-it-that-way-before.” Tune in every Wednesday to challenge the way you date in this crazy Dateable world.