Eliza tells us about her intense 24 hour date that fizzled just as quickly. We discuss the false sense of intimacy after a long date, how to keep your expectations in check, the difference between connections and companions, and why communication wins over speculation.
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S7E5 Marathon Dater
00:00:00 - 00:05:15
The Dateable podcast is an insider's look into modern dating that the Huffington post calls one of the top ten podcast about love and sex. On each episode, we'll talk to real daters about. From sex parties to sex droughts, date fails a diaper fetishes and first moves to first loves. I'm your host Yue Xu, former dating coach turned dating sociologists. You also hear from my co host and producer Julie Krafchick as we explored this crazy dateable world.
This episode of dateable is brought to you by five hundred brunches. Five hundred branches connects like minded people with similar interests to meet in real life over brunch. You answer a questionnaire about your interest and how you spend your time. And then they'll match you in small groups of sixty eight at a brunch spot in san francisco get a free entry into a brench now by signing up at five hundred brunches dot com and using the code date able everyone. Welcome to another episode of dateable. Show all about modern dating. Have you guys ever been on like a marathon date of sorts. That lasted stakes. Eight ten hours or so guess. Today apparently goes on a lot of these saliva. She's twenty six years old. She lives in waterloo ontario and from halifax nova scotia high canadian. Another show exciting. So i guess you're saying that you're pretty single right now but when you were actively dating you were going on a lot of marathon. Dates tells about that. Yeah i guess. What would end up happening is i was going online dating on bumble. I sucked going like four days a week. Not every week. But i sort of go on it for a little bit and then turn it. Often i always say was on marathons Every single one of those dates because to be a bit outrageous. And you just seem to click in. I never really saw reason to end the day. It's sort of like we still have things to talk about. We're still having fun. Why in the date. But i'm starting to find now that it's sort of not paying off to to be so gluttonous you know so you said that when you were actively dating you've go on dates as long as twenty four hours. I let it simmer that. Yeah it was a twenty four hour long date thousand bit of a shock so i miss this guy on this. Dating app called the inner circle and he's in toronto which is about an hour and a half away so he decided to drive up to waterloo in. Initially we decided we're gonna go play pool and then we're gonna go out to dinner. So he comes. He shows up around three o'clock and dinner was for seven so already committed myself to at least four hours. Eighty shows up. We play pool and then we went for walks. We got coffee and then we went to dinner. And then you know. We're both having really good time. And one thing led to the other so he came back to my place and he stayed the night and then in the morning we got up and we went for breakfast. And we're another block. And then he dropped me off in the way back to toronto. Sounds like a great night and next morning. I know you mentioned this causes you problems in being so gluttonous with long. Why did this cause a problem. Yes so in this particular case. There is a bit of extenuating circumstances. So after a day you know he's still texting me. Were planning our second and third date. Because i had to go into toronto to said so. We're like okay. We'll have a few days together. And he's already he said he'll come pick me up midway from waterloo to toronto's i'm sort thinking oh yeah this is all great you know. He's clearly interested. If on monday he's already talking about picking me up on saturday and then i don't really hear from him on saturday and then he said texting around five o'clock saying look i'm not chairman maker date entered tsa. He had torn his acl and sale and meniscus in one shot down so he's played from doing what he went hiking and i guess his leg just kind of game folks used to play sports so i think he was a bit broken down Actually called the terrible triumph. This is the thing that happens to athletes when they just everything tears. And it's three series pits. The here had pretty extenuating circumstances to get out of this team in our world won't triad is a relationship between three people. Were able to different. Obviously i'm not. I'm not disappointed. I wanted to see him for sure. But i'm in no way man you know. It's understandable. he can't see me but then what ends up happening is amendments. Really weird situation. Where i sort of i wanna tax. Havens are checkup on him. But i don't really him well enough to know. Maybe he wants more space. Or if i don't check up on him if you'd find it kind of offensive and so we sort of message back and forth for a little bit and then he just gets to point where i don't want to just walk away from it because we went on this one date that was technically five days in one you know and you feel like you really know them and you feel like you really clicked.
00:05:16 - 00:10:08
Can't just walk away if there's one bad day whatever moving on but on the other hand we don't really know each other in any real way and not that we could deal with the situation so to speak so eventually you know he would text me and tax me less. When he text me he still say things like. Oh i miss you thinking about you all these things that kinda keep you invested. And then eventually. I just said like i i feel like you don't really know what you want and i understand. You have all these things you're dealing with but you know i don't i don't know what to do either on constantly kind of waiting around on him and i just got kind of tired of it. You guys never saw each other again. No we never saw each other again day met with it so when we talked you mentioned your friends were saying that. They think the problem is because you're going on these long dates. What is your thoughts on that. Yeah i in cream in many ways. It's in part. Because i've spoken to my friends and they have similar things. I think it comes down to we joke that we went on five dates right and we kinda did. We played pool breakfast dinner coffee. But if you spread those dates over a month or two months you're still getting to know the person inbetween Signs right so. I think that adds a lot to your understanding of the person's is not just about the day it's about time in between when you're reflecting on it and you're still interacting with them and maybe you find out that they're not a morning person so texting them in the morning is not a good idea all these things that you're still learning about the person even if you're not actually on the date and so i think when you go on had these marathon dede's it's fun you don't you don't want to end it but it's it's harmful because you feel more intimate with the person you actually are and i think what ends up happening is i tend to clearly throw myself into these things pretty aggressively and i feel like i know them really well and then i get kinda confused so for example. When he's texting me. I miss you. But i hadn't heard from him four days. I'm getting kind of irradiated. Only law me. Don't it's okay. you don't have dimissed me but don't say it then. Yeah signed the. I think the problem is not that you go on long. Dates is that you think long dates are an indicator of lasting relationship or a positive indicator. But what we found for modern dating with the guest. We've had on the show. Time spent on a date really doesn't mean anything. It just means that you enjoy spending time together. Doesn't mean that there is a future in that but i only see where you're coming from because it does give you a false sense of intimacy. Yes especially when intimacy is involved gets a little bit confusing because you basically spent a whole day together as we got couple really and then to take that away and say well kate. That connection was only for twenty four hours. It's hard to accept. How do we get around the mind. Set that just spending time together doesn't really necessarily mean anything right and i think your expectations become higher too. Yeah has like you expect more from this person than if you would only gone till it coffee with them. Which is a challenge. But at the same time if you're having a good time like there's people that are like i'm only going to be at a date for an hour and i'm gonna like have these really rigid timelines. We're gonna have an excuse to go like meet friends after dinner or something. That's problematic to because you're not really giving someone a chance to lake express who they are informed that connection with them so i don't know what that right balance i wonder some of the problem too is texting because then it. It's so easy to constantly be in touch. Yup and yeah i think i. I generally joy being in a relationship. In so i sort of almost revert to boyfriend girlfriend mode very early on even on aware. It's a bit dumbfounded. Go one day. they're not your boyfriend. I understand that but if they're texting you every morning good morning yeah weird thing but then all of a sudden they stopped doing it and so you're like yeah we were on one day. You're not my boyfriend. I shouldn't. I don't expect you to talk to me every day but at the same time once the precedents get set. Then you're in this weird limbo where you're not you don't you don't know them. You don't know what they're texting style is but now under not texting you anymore and it's just weird feeling well. Why don't you text me. Good money anymore take he. Was he expecting musical. Visit him so he came the first time and then i told him that i had to go to toronto anyways and i had said a few times i would come over to his house after the accident as again.
00:10:08 - 00:15:02
If you just wanna hang out at your place. I'm happy to come over But he was at he was saying his parents place and then he came up with some weird. He was saying on weird excuses for why i wanted to call days call. My parents are asleep. And i don't want to bother them in the room with your parents. It clearly he was trying to bob me. That goes back to not knowing someone well enough like. I kinda see his perspective of like this is a girl. I met for twenty four hours and like we slept together wines. Like it's kind of weird to have her to my parents place or like observing like on the phone like even if they were asleep like if they're like oh who are you talk. You dislike revert to high school hood. I it's just like it's like do i just don't want to have those conversations with their parents until it's something that's more defined. Well i also think he lives with his. That's your theory. Well i think texting thing is really interesting. That you brought up elisa. Because it's like you made a comment like he was like i miss thinking missed you than text you for four days but i think like you brought up like yeah in theory. It's great if someone texts you every day like good morning but that also could mean nothing that could just be the way they are as that they're really like attach their phone and super text oriented in. It could be someone like this that may you just don't know his texting habits like you pointed out like i might not really be that type of person so he might actually miss you even though he isn't text to you all the time right. It's just hard to know because like you said you don't know him well enough. Yeah exactly it may be best. The main problem with yeah. It's not just as you said going on these long day. Did the expectations that come out of it. And i think. I definitely looking back at some of the other. People have dated the dates that do go longer. I do sort of whole expectations on. Where's yeah the short to our days. it'd be nice to see you again but i'm not expecting onto texts me good morning but also if you don't do it like it's hard to make a connection happily reduced go for like a coffee for an hour like what's the odds of connection happening in that short a period it's good to set some boundaries for yourself especially for these nighttime dates have something going on the next morning so that you don't end the date too late as you have a good excuse all i have to get up for this workout wrapped do this in the morning. We shouldn't deprive ourselves of spending time with someone we like but we should also have some control over the time in the first couple of days right or especially since you know. It's a problem for you in like it causes you to have her. Just the expectation said unlike disappointment. So you know that you might need to like take things a little slower than you are doing today. Just one of those things. I find it interesting. Because i just view it so positively. We're both having fun where we seem to be getting along so i. I don't see any reason that you know what i mean injuring the date. You're like well. Why would i right now. I'm thinking well you can still enjoy you. Save some for leaders inch lease. What is coming down to right or just know that if the connection is real this sort of time spent together will happen again. But you don't need to concentrate it all one nine. Yeah but i also would argue that if the nation is real then it probably would continue even if you did have this. Marathon date and sleepover. I mean this situation to sound like things got in the way of you really thought you had a connection with this guy. Maybe it's worth just hitting him up now and just see what things are going. God i i know. It's like months later but like what's the harm like. You're already not seeing long ago nine. Maybe a month ago. I mean i feel as such. It definitely does seem like a valid reason that you guys stopped seeing each other like he gets like you've said it like you don't know what he was going through refusing excruciating pain. Maybe like texting. You wasn't the first thing on his mind and like how dare he thinks. Sometimes it's like giving someone the benefit the doubt that there are things that are out of control really have no indication how much they like or don't like you right Yeah sort of against. It does come back though in any other situation. We'd say well one day. Is it really worth the mental anguish. You know but it wasn't just one date. It was multiple dates in one and you felt like the action with them. So i think like if it was just one date that was like ma. Maybe it's not worth reaching out like three months later but if it was something i guess just like what you have to lose at this point. I think we should also try to figure out a way to decipher. What's the difference between a connection versus companionship yet. many dates where i'm like. Wow i really enjoyed this person's companionship. But after the date ends.
00:15:02 - 00:20:01
I don't feel the connection is long lasting so those are some questions we should be having to because sometimes you could be having a great time with somebody. You don't really have a connection. Yeah and you also don't know where they're at to some of these people if they just moved to a new city don't really know anyone live with their parents get out seriously. They're like. I mean this guy was coming to your city to write a new variants for him. So he's not gonna just come for like an hour this way like he's going to make something out of it like so maybe it's like a valuating little more y there on the state in it might just be not necessarily asking like why are you on this day but like getting a feel of where they are in life. What they're looking for all of that live a question for you. Unbundle house far. Are you searching. Okay well i think on me like forty kilometers. Because i was using this other app that i just got About it inner circle so how and what is forty kilometers for the equivalent. Two miles do you know a when miles. But i would say in the ballpark of twenty miles. Okay it's not like crazy like a half an hour drive. Roughly yeah not pretty close. Yeah you wouldn't have gotten him if you're using bumble. No the thing about inner circle is based on cities and there wasn't one for waterloo scandal. These are the challenges. Maybe vague at a major city right and the thing is going to toronto because my brother lives there in anytime. You want to go anywhere. You have to go through toronto. So i sound like that rolls. I wasn't really expecting to use it very long then I think i match within the first day it was on and then we went on a date three days later so it was. Mary accelerated so when you guys met on. Inner circle of with zeke thrown off by your location or was he like that makes sense yet. None at all he was Initially he was supposed to go to the cottage that weekend and then plans change. I wanna see you kinda come up. And he was very he even planned our day in waterloo so he was the one like looking for restaurants. So this is this other thing he was really doing all these things that normally you would look at me like all these cool very interesting. Because he's the one moving things forward right. But i guess that's the thing is like does that. I think that's like a false assumption. Right like maybe you just watch visit water again ads destination. You never know though. Yeah i mean. I guess it's just like things like it's hard when like there is very traditional ways of showing interest like texting planning dates. But you at the. I think this day and age like people's like what they're looking for vary so dramatically that just those signs aren't necessarily enough to make an accurate statement and this is just one example. You said you you've gone on a few of these marathon dates what were the other ones like. In hardly end. It's time to take a quick break so we can tell you about our current sponsor care of a monthly subscription vitamin service that delivers completely personalized vitamin and supplement packs. Right to your door carry up. We'll get you back on track to reach your health goals julian. I had so much fun taking the quiz on their website that asked about diet health goals and lifestyle choices within five minutes. We've found out exactly with vitamins and supplements we specifically need. It turns out both of us needed more vitamins. When the vitamins arrived they were inconvenient. Individual packets with inspirational quotes. How cute we love tracking our progress with the care of app where you can earn rewards when you remember to take your vitamins and guess what a portion of every sale goes towards the good plus foundation which provides expected mothers need with valuable prenatal vitamins. So listen for dateable listeners. Only you get twenty five percent off your first month of personalized care of vitamins by visiting take care of dot com and enter the code. Dateable that is take care of dot com and enter the code. Dateable now back to the show you've gone on a few of these marathon dates were the other ones like in how they end so the other ones like this would have been a second date. We ended up going. We play pool addict. Play pool honestly thing. We played pool. We got on really well so he came over and then we went out to breakfast and that guy actually dated for two months. I think i noticed. There was a similar thing where i felt like i really understood him and then i realized he was a lot more introverted than i notice than i sort of.
00:20:01 - 00:25:03
I didn't really understand him. And so i was sort of acting. The way of always acted in awesome started acting differently and i couldn't really understand why so then. Of course. I got upset. It was like well you know used me this way and again i'm aware with two months. Hardly counts. but he was acting one way he was acting in different way. Enjoy think with me. I think yeah yes often i just. I may be going way too fast. I just expect at one to be exactly as they appear so. I don't always read into who this person is under the surface. But i think sometimes people put on a different face in the initial stages of data and then as they become more comfortable and anything. This is natural. It's not even just like them doing manipulative. It's just like being uncomfortable as someone versus comfortable in starting to like disclose more things so it might not be that you did something wrong in this case it might just be that. That was the nature of this relationship in learning about this person and like sometimes like it does. Just take time to like. See someone for who they are and realize it's fitter yeah. I wonder if one of the things for me. I was with my ex for four years. Before that i had boyfriend but never really dated and definitely not online dating. And it's definitely it's way different right because when you know the person before you start dating you kind of have some of those foundations there but with online dating like you have no foundations of knowing this person at all and i know a lot of people. They don't to textile much before actually meeting up. So you're kind of starting from ground. Zero and i think maybe that's i have a difficult time with and as impart y decided to take a bit of a break you know you on your dates. You just hang out or are they. Mostly activity base often their activity based in. That's but even things like i'm happy to go for a walk or something. I don't really like going to coffee. I find chatty. I can. I can talk. It's not that much of a problem. I just find it kinda weird. I don't like sitting in staring at each other in part is also who i am. I like doing things. I want to be with someone who is also interested in doing things so they don't have to like everything i like but i i like people who are going to to try things and so i find it. It's kinda good first indicator that we might get on if they're interested in trying something i mean. I think the activity days are good for us. But i could see. Maybe why you a ask this. Is that lake. If you're just playing pool you're kind of focused on playing pool and like yeah you're chatting but you're not having lake necessarily deep conversations so it might just be like a false light pretense of how well he know someone because of how much time you spend if you're not actually having deep conversations but do you think for states most people having really deep conversation. Actually it's twenty julian. I just had this bizarre option. And i think the old notion of first dates. It's like oh like an informal. Get to know each other really light hearted sort of thing but it really depends on what you're looking for. It sounds like you're looking for connection. Sounds like you're looking for something serious serious. Some why waste that. I state on just surface level information about each other when you can get deep and find that connection versus like trying to mold that over time because we'll we've also found with monir defeating is that most people don't get past the first two days really soon. Why waste that time. I think i states. If this is you're looking for connection there's Specific connection you're looking for why not get deep into get in it. Yeah it sounds like you're looking to do a quick anyway are that's just what's happening so you might as well try to get learn as much about someone as possible through wonder because people are mounted particular. She does tell me that. I move fast. And i wonder if i'm asking these pretty serious questions. Wonder you scare people off. Because they would be able. This is a first date. Why you asking me like what five year plan is such a great question because if you are scaring them off and they're not the right person that you're looking for yes if they're ready for this conversation ready for a connection the same way you are that these are the questions they want to ask you to think it comes down to what you're comfortable with the end of the day but probably it's like you you know that you're just gonna like get attached quickly and learn a lot about someone that it probably makes sense to frame these in more like intentional way it have these conversations but if you're not comfortable with that than the other option is to continue doing activities but just not necessarily think that the keep your expectations in line that just because you spent a long time doesn't mean anything in you don't necessarily know all about someone right. Yeah good point from that long date from the guy that you told us about.
00:25:03 - 00:30:05
Is there like really essential information that you can recall about him like who he is as a person i would say so. Yeah one of things i know is he's he was very driven and one thing. My friend pointed out. Is you not being able to walk right now. For someone who is so driven would might be very difficult to be around people because they're used to doing everything to themselves and all of a sudden. You're very reliant on other people that may be it'll be emotionally very difficult to take so he might not want to be around me because he might perceive it as sort of week. I was gonna say i think the problem with that is that that is all like between you and your friend. I think you would maybe need to like have that conversation with him. I just a lot of assumptions in guesswork and trying to read each other's minds going on here but you only know your own We can only control our own feelings. So what you're saying. Is i felt like i had a connection. A real connection with this guy. We had a great time together. I saw there. There was potential and a little baffled by the fact that we haven't seen each other. Since i think these are your truths you should own up to them and i don't think it hurts to tell him these things. I think we really had a special day together in. I'm just wondering what is going on your life. You know. I'd like to see you again. But if there's something stopping us and i liked to know that instead of me just trying to guess what. I think you should still do it. I think he should head of like. Hey how have you been just in then. Basically what you just said. If you were able to strip down for someone who show them all the goodies. Why can't you do the same verbally right. Yeah that's true. It's so funny though because in this day and age is so much it's easier to just like yeah like do the physical versus emotional. Yeah it really doesn't make sense when you really think about it. What do you have to lose first of all the guy is so far away from you right. Never get around into your nine the same social circles n two. I think it will help you going forward other dates if this doesn't if he says listen i'm just not in a good place to date right now. I do agree. We had a great connection. That's awesome to know. Now you can move on and the next day you approach it differently. Learn something from this as trying to guess all these assumptions. That are really hurting. You and i know like you said like i'm on Dating hiatus. But i think maybe the promissory going on dates but it's just having those conversations setting your own internal expectations in looking at it. Like hey i'm gonna see what happens with this person in like gad like even if we agree date that lasts twenty four hours in two months. I might realize we're not a match and that's just how dating is. Yeah yeah. I think for me the whole thing but not dating is in part trying to figure out okay. Well what do you want and how you go but also just stopping fun. Yeah yeah and so. We're just gonna take a break for a little bit in do things you know. I do feel the more you kind of. put yourself out there. Generally things will happen. So yeah those kind of my approach to it but also use this time wisely. I say actually write down the things that you find. That are no longer fun when it comes to dating and the things that you look forward to. That were exciting. There were awesome when it came to dating. And then you just focus all your energy on the positives of dating as opposed to the negatives and then also analyze your negatives why you're feeling negative about dating why these things were no longer fun and think solutions. I think with any dating reset or hiatus. Don't use that time to kind of similar deeper into what happened before but think about an action plan with going forward and they have very actionable. This is what i'm gonna do when i get back into the dating scene. These are things. I'm going to do differently very the point. What are some of our tako is from this discussion. Time spent together is not always the best indicator of whether it's a good match or not but you should always be grateful for someone who does give you all that time just at least appreciate the time you spent together and to. I would say if you're looking for a deeper connection looking for something real. Don't be afraid to have those conversations on a first date if you scare them off. You dodged a bullet that means that you if you scare them off on the first date. Chances are you're scare them off on a third or fifth day. Not just cut your losses. Ben and find out on a first date right. I think my take away. It's all about managing expectations too. Because it's like we said the only person you can really control yourself and you may not like a magic formula to any of this like you could go on a marathon date with one guy and that could end up being the person you marry or you gotta marathon date in.
00:30:05 - 00:35:07
Never hear from them like it's just not like a simple black and white so i think it's just kind of like saying like i had a great time obviously want to see this person again putting yourself out there to do it and then just accepting the things may or may not flow in whatever direction and. That's in a way like as long as you do all the things you can do. Yeah then that's all you can really do know. I think i really that resonates with me lot. And i think it's tentative. I may be a bit controlling like i'm. I'm the only one in my friend who were doing this. I'm the organizer. Yeah and i think part of me. I take that approach when it comes to dating as well. And so i saw to right off. There is another important factor when you're moving and other person so yeah you can do it. You can use much as you can do but you only really have control over yourself. Your felt this way. And i feel like i've been really trying to like let things go a little more kind of the same way but i'm like a little controlling and especially like this. What you said about coming up with all these things that could be going on with them. Like that is definitely something. I've caught myself doing in the longtime ago and have been trying to really be like you don't know what's going on with something like the only way you will if you talk to. That person like you can sit in like brainstorm with your friends for hours but all-muslim just a waste of time nygard. What are your takeaways elisa. Yeah i think exactly what we were just talking about that. I need to maybe be a bit more vocal about what i'm looking for but at the same time. Understand that when you just meet someone you don't know what's really going on with their life and also when you first meet people people aren't always necessarily comfortable telling you everything so maybe just hold back a little bit. And sometimes things go slower medicare they go faster egypt. Them manage your expectations. I think would be the most important thing for me that just because you like the person you seem to get on really well on this one day for twenty four hours. That doesn't mean it's going to necessarily go anywhere and that's okay but if you if you don't expect everything to work out i think you sort of approach things in a more healthy but i think it's a more useful wave approaching things. Yeah or productive. We definitely need to decipher the difference between companionship. And a connection. I get the two mixed up a lot of the time because sometimes you just want somebody to hang out with someone to do And mistaken that for a real connection while it's not so let's just figure that out from dates going forward cool any other takeaways. Everyone think the greatest fashion. Thank you for bringing this topic. Would we heard from you from the online forum. I was like this is great. Because i feel like this is just so relatable to people and it's just like the stadium. It's confusing what things me and sometimes maybe we just have to be in the moment and say i am so lucky to have found someone that i wanted to spend twenty four hours with. Yeah that's pretty awesome. Most people don't have that opportunity or have that sort of time with someone. So that's just be grateful for your time together listeners. We love to hear from your stories. Either you're like allies where you go on marathon dates or you're the opposite you go on like one hour dates or we know someone who goes on five minute dates strategy to it we can all learn from each other in this whole dating world all right so we're going to wrap this up stage. Your action item for this week is to stop associating. The length of a date with the success of a date then create a whole new system of how to assess the success of a date. Maybe it's how comfortable you felt being yourself. How intrigued you were by your date and want to get to know the more or how much i contact was made. This episode of dateable is brought to you by five hundred brunches. Five hundred brunches connects like minded people with similar interests to meet in real life over french. You answer a questionnaire about your interests and how you spend your time. And then they'll match you in small groups of sixty eight at brench spot in san francisco. Get a free entry into a brench now. By signing up at five hundred branches dot com and using the code date able. If you didn't know already we have a revamped website with our videos and content all about modern dating you can also find our premium why series where we dissect analyze an offer solutions into some of the most common dating conundrums. We've had some great feedback. About how actionable these episodes are so. 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00:35:07 - 00:35:21
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