S7E6: $25K Reward for Love

Dateable Podcast
August 21, 2018
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August 21, 2018

S7E6: $25K Reward for Love

We discuss a radically different approach, the importance of character in a match, and having the confidence that it’ll happen when the time is right.

$25K Reward for Love

Ricky shares why he offering a [now] $25k reward to find his beloved. We discuss a radically different approach, the importance of character in a match, and having the confidence that it’ll happen when the time is right.

Episode Transcript

S7E6 25K Reward for Love

00:00:00 - 00:05:18

The Dateable podcast is an insider's look into modern dating that the Huffington post calls one of the top ten podcast about love and sex. On each episode, we'll talk to real daters about. From sex parties to sex droughts, date fails a diaper fetishes and first moves to first loves. I'm your host Yue Xu, former dating coach turned dating sociologists. You also hear from my co host and producer Julie Krafchick as we explored this crazy dateable world.

This episode of dateable is brought to you by five hundred brunches. Five hundred branches connects like minded people with similar interests to meet in real life over brunch. You answer a questionnaire about your interest and how you spend your time. And then they'll match you in small groups of sixty eight at a brunch spot in san francisco get a free entry into a brench now by signing up at five hundred brunches dot com and using the code date able everyone. Welcome to another episode of dateable. Show all about modern dating. You know we often encourage you guys to think outside the box when it comes to finding her love of your life so in addition to doing online dating or going to these events and going to bars and clubs. Have you ever thought about what's the most creative way i can do. This thinking outside the box using my resources and making a splash. Let's say on how to find the love your life well. Our guest today is definitely doing that. His name is ricky tatra. He is thirty three years old originally from india. He's been the barry up for three years and he is single but he is offering ten thousand dollars to the person who will introduce him to his future wife or long term girlfriend. And that's why we had him on the show so we can make ten thousand bill now we could reach thousands of our chances of getting this we will go and that is how we are funding dateable by the way wondering as you're wondering he s looking for someone i love to use these few words specifically someone exceptional or fascinating that's right or and right exceptional and fascinating possibly live together. I think it's hard to be one without the other. L. that's true. Yeah if you're exceptional you're probably fucking fascinating first of all your thirty three years old. Give us a quick background of your relationship history. I was in a ten year long relationship that ended in december two thousand sixteen so about a year and a half ago k the end of fat. That relationship has allowed me a lot of time for contemplation and understanding why that relationship failed. It was something. I priced quite deeply. And i don't want to go through that heartbreaking process ever again not just for me but for the other person to have our lives so builds together and then completely shatter away. This is not something to be taken lightly. You only find the person that you're going to be with one time and then you make it work with them for the long haul and that's motivated me a lot to do things outside the box as you were saying how does a ten year relationship fail. Long story short. I wasn't the best boyfriend but it always takes to angle. I did things that. I should not have done. And our relationship became increasingly toxic. We started off with flying start. I would say but we were both in early twenties. Not really knowing who we are as people and as time grew on we learn more about ourselves and about each other and it became clear that we were meant to be a part and separately a tenure relationship. Basically as a marriage i. that's what it is. I would agree with almost like a divorced man at this point with the for doors. People now. I can see what they went through. We also opted a dog a few years ago. She's the love of my life and my ex girlfriend has her now. It breaks my heart every time. I think about her on instagram. You're still a romantic at heart. You are romance something. Nobody can take away from me. This is in my spirit and my bones so when this relationship ended a urine half ago or so. When did you get back into the dating scene. I did nothing to get back into the dating scene okay. I don't think dating is something i need to. I want to get good at because that's not the end game. The end game is to find yourself in a good relationship. I noticed how dating is hot in san francisco. There are millions of blogs about it for everybody. I speak with their complaining about how hard it is to meet people and to find the right person. Everybody has their own personalities and quirks and nobody trying to get along with with other people there are all these absent people our age and the most creative people in our workforce are spending hundreds of hours thousands of dollars every year every month going on dates and still frustrated that they're not finding any success so i figured i design my own process and circumvent the whole thing.

00:05:18 - 00:10:02

Because i really don't want to get good at dating. I would much rather utilize that dime for my own creative pursuit divers that i have put aside to level myself up as a human being and find myself the partner that i deserve. I need to take us to marinate on that for a sec. Ricky sang my end game. Here is to not get good at dating but lied my partner in life. Those are two very different things and we always hear from our guest on this podcast. So people are getting really good at dating. It's at ten thousand hour rule right. If you call on your date you practice you get really good at it. And that's that's somebody wants to build their life around all the power to them but it's just not my interest. I would rather use at that time. Like i said to level up so instead of spending the time swiping and liking and harding and blah blah blah. You're using that time to better yourself and then spinning ten thousand dollars to almost shortcut that whole process to find someone who may be because he probably went spend a lot more than percent. How did you come up with a ten thousand dollars. Price point grew up in india family. In india recently went to a wedding. A cousin of mine had found her husband through a professional matchmaker. So i came back here thinking that i should just crowdsource this problem. And what would you give to find the love of your life. Ten thousand dollars is nothing. I would give him my everything. I want to find the person who was going to make me sing and dance with joy every day. What is ten thousand dollars. Big deal for that. I don't think so. Yeah it's a. I find this really funny because when we first heard about doing a few people have tried this before. Yeah in in the us in this culture. It's very strange. Should be like you're willing to pay this much money for referral. Find the love your life but if you step back is the same thing as finding a matchmaker moore professional coach or whatever and in a lot of asian cultures. You pay the person who matched with your. They're not professional matchmakers. It could be a friend or a family friend but you. You do pay. Yeah i did not ask your future wife or husband if we were friends in asia and matchy you just give me ten thousand dollars negotiated. It'd be free negotiating. You could say you a if i find your future husband. I wanna chanel purse. Okay fine got it. That's our agreement. We should bring this into the lagoon done more frequently than not. I've gotten the feedback. The that don't do it. You're going to attract all kinds of wrong attention and i'm hey almost unanimously including even my mother is not particularly on my side with my doing what i'm doing and i want to let those people know that i'm listening to your feedback and in thorough consideration of what you have inspired me to do. I've decided to increase my award to twenty five thousand effective immediately. Is elaborate right now. New dollars did you hear that about eight. L. purses right there so basically if julie had this agreement with me for chenault purrs and agreement with you for twenty five thousand dollars and we start dating ricky that she is banking. I had of the two. We believe this is no lupul. But they'll match the months until you get that deal right okay. I just want to paint the picture for our listeners. Because in addition to the twenty five thousand dollar reward which is really the hook here. It comes with this entire website that exposes who you are and it's very of social media and when i looked at your blogs i thought wow this is something that most people would never put out there because you do have a whole section called secrets and it's your secrets some of the most intimate details of your life. I have no secret left. No secrets left. And you know if you think about it you know you can connect your instagram on tinder and all that. So people stalk each other through social media on social media.

00:10:02 - 00:15:00

We're putting out our most prized moments in life. If we look happy. Attractive all the time. Rio projecting an image. So the person you will find will fall into the trap of falling in love with your image that you're projecting but that's not the real. You shared all kinds of personal stories on my blog. The fallible heart. I have no secret and not many people can claim that it required for me to muster up a lot of courage and strength to be so fearless and open about my life. i can be follow. Oh before fear and ego and still ask to be loved by an exceptional person. So you're attack tek when i'm hearing which makes a so interesting for people to even think about is that you're putting yourself out there. The good the bad the ugly one hundred someone read your entire website and knows who you are and still wants to meet you. Yes they've already gone through five days the gone through i would say not just five days. They've gone through maybe few years of living together. interesting well. I've said it before too an online dating profiles. Sometimes the more specific you gay you can potentially lose out people. That's right but the benefit is. You could really like you really that beth. One person you want to put aside every everybody who's not on the same page so anybody who keeps saying. Let's think about this for a sec. Is your end goal to get to as many people as possible or is your end goal to find that one person who wore a long time it might be a numbers game if it stayed has many people asking exactly but yours is not a numbers game. You're like i don't need to be dating thousands of women to find that one needle and hayes don't have the time for it. I dance almost every single day. I spent a lot of time working on my blog. I'm also leveling out at work. That recently became manager. Have done some remarkable things recently. That's got me to where i'm at. And i don't want to go through the same ordinal ups and downs off going on bad dates and losing losing all the time and energy having to judge people based on all kinds of factors and having them judge me and all kinds of awkwardness and shyness happens in in dating. That is not healthy for anybody lashes. Assume you're sneaking the future love of your life right now. She's saying that all sounds great. I read your entire blog. I accept you for who you are. I want to embrace you for who you are. Now my question is how would you make time for relationship if you are not making time to date. How are you gonna make time for me. I think these kinds of things naturally fall into their place. Once the rubber hits the road the first thing is to find the person who's on the same page so question for you brought this up of one thing is like yeah. We definitely have the same reaction to like a super interesting. That's very public and like you said like your mom and other people are like what are you doing. I guess what like in european why is going public. Not a bad thing. I reflected on my own life. I'm looking for somebody extraordinary in particular. I'm looking for someone who has my kind of character than what defines my character. I'm very loving. I'm very stylish and extraordinarily brave. I can give you examples geraldo things. Why i define myself in those in those buckets. Where would you go to find such a person there for. I thought it's important for me to look very very wide. And deep to find the person who's heart as made of gold. She's daring and romantic and wants to be loved and is super loving. This is not a difficult person. I'm dealing with the problem of finding a needle in a haystack. You have a list of like what you're looking for in a partner. I know you've said like a hard and stylish that but you have more criteria of someone you're looking for a superficial listed well. I don't have any particular restrictions on on anything else would do. I draw the line for example. If i told you she has to be between twenty five and thirty five but what if you find somebody who's twenty four or thirty six then. I don't like to respect those arbitrary lines. Of course the further you get away from from this kind of a range the harder it becomes to find compatibility but i want to keep an open mind. There's only hard requirement is the match of character. And that's what. I really appreciate what you're doing. You're method because we have some matchmaker friends who say the more client pays the more criteria. I think put into what you're looking for. A lot of in superfood shot of it as she needs to have thirty. Four double ds at seven and under thirty years old so people feel like in this amazon culture. We are in right now.

00:15:00 - 00:20:02

People feel like if. I just pay the money. I can get exactly what i'm looking for so you're not doing that because what you're doing is it's almost like a vibe. You're putting on an energy. i'm looking for someone to match this vibe. That's ripe and i'm putting out and it has nothing to do with age gender race gender yes and human life looks like all all that you're open to it all which is great. You're you're opening yourself up to the universe. You're just taking this old fashioned approach of the setup. Yes basically what. You're looking but crowd source crowdsource. Yeah my hope. Is that through my networks through great people like you and through this commendable podcast of yours. The word will spread. People will know who i am. And and i will find someone. It's as simple. And i'm not in a hurry. I'm very happy a very on a time line at all. No no not at all okay. I'll give you a couple of examples. Where i've learned to be patient and persistent and still be passionate about what i'm doing a friend of mine. Also he started dancing and thinking that he would meet his girlfriend there. This is basically what. I did. Also get dancing for eight. Years became a salsa teacher and then found the love of his life a student of his in his dance class. it took him eight years. My mom's cousin was single for most of his life and just recently got married at the age of forty two it. it can't take forever. And i'm on a journey in life similarly the girlfriend i will find is on a journey and it's just some day or the other are will cross our minds mind will meet and there will be an understanding that we are meant to be together. We should gary for our promise together and do fulfill our purpose. We have the same character and the same interested interested in being strong minded and being committed. Do being the role model of relationship. So have you done any referrals. Just a couple of franks and fortunately thanks. When did you start this end of april. Also now for that long joe and you've gotten a few responses but when you mean by pranks people really not taking the time to read and understand who i am. And referring referring others based on. I think just their own self interest they want the reward. Only a couple of pranks. Hypothetically let's say i do find someone greatbatch or someone's will say like what's the process. How do how do they get filter to you. You decide like that's okay to go on a date with this person. Most people don't have put themselves out there. Like i have so. I will have to go and learn who they are. Maybe they are compatible. Maybe not like when the siemian person see how i live and go about my day. Perhaps none of that is with them. There still has to be that kind of dating process bank but naturally the essential things will have been taken care of ahead of time. So we're only dealing with logistics and real life encounter at that point where and i'm not in a hurry. We have a lot of time to really come to understand each other. That are the one for each other or not. But what's a filtering process in the very very beginning before even meet her. What is if. I were to nominate someone. What are you reading for you. You should ask yourself. is this person. Extraordinarily loving extraordinarily stylish extraordinarily confident. And then then you should ask her. Is this the kind of person you're looking for. I do think there's somebody out there who's looking for someone like me. I've known that since childhood. In fact i got to do something here to show you. This is very fragile. Be very careful. Maybe one describe your listeners. What you're seeing. The first thing you notice is that this is fifteen years old. I've handed three and there are a bunch of sketches here. That i made just one fine day and one of the sketches here is is subtitled. My beloved one. What are some of these other sketches. There are people from my life. Okay mystery person. That's on your list of sketches. That's waiting are known that there is somebody like that forever. I don't know how to get put in my head but it's there and it just doesn't go away. You did find that person for ten years to. I thought i did. But unfortunately that turned out to be a smokescreen. The real person out there somewhere else. Okay i want to go through this process again because julie kept talking about like. How do you filter for them. What's the next step we send in a nomination. You read through your like this. Sounds like she pretty awesome.

00:20:02 - 00:25:01

We do next if somebody's interested in meeting with me and sees that there is potential donell disco maker. Okay no like calling them to screen them. You just go meet them okay. So you're basically before you're saying i don't have time to date. I like the traditional sense of like dating apps. And all that roy. If i get someone that like has looked through my website. They get me. I feel like they are the like. Was it loving regis the three this way so they fit those kutcher making it a priority. You're looking for someone like me then. There's no question that they should come meet me right interesting. They have to someone else takes. We always hear people. Say this is what i'm looking for. Not like i want someone that's looking for someone like me. Yeah yeah yeah interesting lips and then what do you do. So i feel like they're you're spending a lotta time filtering through. I mean once this air this episode you can get like thousands of submissions to melter through. All that takes time to relive your get to that problem that bridge. But you're saying yourself selecting the filtering because in theory they go to the even a thousand people. Listen to this in our like opening. I wanna meet ricky. They go to your website and then my filter more out. All these things can go to my blog. And when the reed. Who i am who i was. They might not be interested for example. I've written on my blog. That one time i was unfaithful to my girlfriend. It broke her heart. And lord my lesson not to do that again. How many people can be so open about their life. Yeah not everybody wants to date someone like me so let that twenty five thousand dollars. Looks really good to joe schmo. But it's not for the for that for my girth my future front for the person who referring but there's some stipulation right like to be with someone i certain amount of time. It's not just a referral three or four one time. There's a page for terms and conditions. In which i stated that we have to together for at least almost four years or get married okay. So that's when you earn that twenty. Five thousand okay. But what i'm saying is it's so easy to submit still and someone could just easily not even read about who you are and just submit their sister who happens to be single and once you get more media attention. You're just going to get more of these. I relation review. Hire somebody to fister. My mother has plenty of spare time. she'll be at the. I'm more enormous amount of pressure. Sometimes i love her dearly. The love of my life but i think this will be a perfect for her as my mother has. We're all my secrets. My with my mother is perfect. She she loves me wholeheartedly. She told me after reading. Some of my post. Don't worry about. It happens to the best of us how this is a kind of kind hearted soul that i was raised by not only. That's extraordinarily beautiful and stylish and loving what what would happen. If let's say you just okay. What happened if tomorrow. You walk down the street and met the love your life at a cafe. Toa going to know that she's the one. There's so many beautiful women in san francisco. Maybe it's just a feeling maybe it's just a gut feeling. I'm very optimistic and very interested in having that happen but it hasn't yet happened. If if this is how people fall in love and you just know that this is the person and she knows it. Also i will be so happy. I will start dancing on the street and you can look at my facebook there. There's a bunch of videos of me dancing on the streets. Even out there has. The magic is something of the movies. And i'm open minded. It can happen sense your break-up from ten year relationship have you come close to finding someone. It's time to take a quick break so we can tell you about the latest service. We have been building over here dateable. We've created a platform to connect you with vetted experts from our network to help with everything from coaching with dating therapy dating profile reviews and even ways to get real feedback about your dating style. A session sickly run from thirty minutes to an hour. And can all be done via skype.

00:25:01 - 00:30:27

Or google hangouts. So you can be anywhere. Listeners have been sharing how worthwhile their sessions have been with comments about how easy the coaches are to talk to how they have provided a new perspective. And how they have created actionable ways to inspire change to meet the coaches and book your session. Today visit dateable podcasts dot com slash coaching. Now back to the ship. Sense your break-up from year relationship have you come close to finding someone. There are some people who do seem to fit my criteria but when have tried to get close to them are just waited around. It hasn't seemed like they reciprocated or understood. So i'm not sure. I wouldn't say that i have found these person. It may be somebody who i've already met and they just don't have. They're not confident that under one for them perhaps it will take for them some moment of reflection and and understanding that this is ricky is the one that she's looking for. I feel like you are such a multifaceted human being that one. I think i'm glad you're not doing online. Dating because indefinitely would not be good. It's not the right method for people with you know who you are through a profile. It's impossible and two. I almost feel like for someone to develop feelings for you and to really get to know you. It takes so much time time to to to be with you and to get to know you. And i upon reflecting on my life. I saw that it's impossible for in person to not come to know me and really be interested and curious at least as a friend. I can give you a quick rundown of my story. I was twelve years old. My father died. That really shocked me up. My mother is a teacher. She makes only two hundred dollars a month in india. Right that put us in the lower middle class or die. Came to america got full scholarship and more than sixty thousand dollars. Scholarship money. lots of awards. I worked all the way through college. Forty or twenty between twenty and forty hours a week. Doing all kinds of things like bus buying working as a tutor or as a computer assistant fixing other people's computers. I graduated in three years and won the highest award in college. I had a publication as an undergrad. Then i go to phd in engineering from cornell. I went to work at ibm. And within months i wonder. Ibm excellent award. I came here to work at lift in a very competitive and hotly covid job. Data's find their within a few months the hackathon. The fourth hour hackathon participated in the dancing sixteen months ago and now i've become quite competent and i'm already auditioning for teams so basically whatever you set your mind to. You can do my blog. I started about a year ago. It has more than a thousand bid us every month and more than three thousand just last month. So i i know what i'm doing i'm looking for somebody who wants to be with someone like me. I know who who that kind of a person would be. My stories is one of like a bollywood movie and the always things dads is in the rain interest. Always in the rain by or something. Oh this is work twenty five referrals. Do look planning on having any children. It can happen. I'm open minded but suppose i had children and grandchildren. My grandchildren will will brag about the tar schools. There will be like look at. My grandfather was such a bad as i wanna say though i think for a lot of people listening your story resonates with them because i think san francisco really attracts the sort of person who overcame adversity. Who is now putting their personal lives as a priority to better themselves and to put their love lives as priority but for some for some reason you had ten year relationship for people their their personal lives were delayed for some reason to their thirties or forties because they were focusing on school work overcoming adversity. So all of a sudden they're like okay. I'm financially stable. I'm in a good point in my life. I'm bettering myself. I'm ready to make love a priority. How do i do that. Most people would just put all their attention to online dating and saying fight to swipe like it's my full time job. Maybe all you'll find the one but you're you're doing a completely different. Take on this this making love a priority. I have done. I've had to bring all these patterns in order to be where matt i wouldn't be sitting here if if i had just followed crowd like i was saying i was raised in in circumstances that made it extremely improbable for me to be here if it were not for the hard work and the thing all kinds of authoritarian structures that really breaking the patterns to find my own truth.

00:30:27 - 00:35:23

Find my own strength so this is one of the same things. I cannot do things. The conventional win expected to find somebody unconventional extraordinary. What are some of your fault. I have so many. tell us some. I can be very sensitive so it's very easy for me to be bullied. I'm also learning to level up in how much i can focus so identity to be sometimes not as productive as i can be just because i get distracted by miscellaneous things. I have a very poor memory for names in particular and it's very embarrassing sometimes to meet the same person three times and i'm still confused what's going on. I'm completely fallible. Human being that's why. My blog is called the fallible heart. I've made mistakes. I've learned from mistakes and this is my process. And that's why my future girlfriend has to has to know that i will be making mistakes and the relationship. She has to be one of the forgiving heart. And that's the hard that i also carry. It wasn't my idea went through a lot of ups and downs in my ten year long relationship but not even once the toddler breaking up our crossed my mind zero times it was. The conversation was initiated by my ex girlfriend. She had enough off me and wanted to do to carry her life separately. Meanwhile i was of the understanding that that we're going to make it work because like i was saying the option of breaking off wasn't even on the table for me. I never considered it even for one moment that there's a life outside of horror. It's possible but the moment. She said that she wants to separate. Do thoughts. Came to my mind successively. The i was. Life is giving me a gift. I should just ticket and run with it. The second time that game with my mind was there's that very cute woman who i know. I should just ask her out. She might be the one i did. Ask her out she. Unfortunately you've had a boyfriend already so read landlocked by the way thank you. You are so positive though. Which is like i know. I think the whole thing i mean. I think i'd love to talk about takeaways. One of the ones that. I definitely had this whole conversation. We had a guest amy. Spencer wrote the book on. How orange vodafone definitely revamped book. If you have read eggs. I use right up your alley. So much of what you're practicing was kind of what she preached in this book. It was like the idea that it all comes down to positively like the fact that you are so sure that person is out there. You're like it might take me ten years to meet them. But i know that they're they're known this my whole life. I don't even know any other way about it And what's the point of having being full of doubt. See all if i'm constantly sure about i'm going to find somebody and maybe i don't and then i suddenly die right it can happen. I mean run into an accident or just become all die right at that point. It doesn't matter but at least i'll living with heart of yet. Yeah well yeah and you never know. But i'm pretty sure. I'll find somebody. This don't matter of time. And i think a lot of other people myself included sometimes like feels doubt and i think it's really awesome that you've have that and that's like your guiding principle in a away and i think the other thing that she said to is like just live your life do things like make you happy not necessarily going on date after data if that doesn't make you happy so again kind of what you're doing as just a different approach to dating and i like the sentiment like i'm not here to date. I'm here to find someone. it's really interesting path. I think my other. Take away from this convoy. So many of us like don't necessarily want to reveal a lot on the first state or keep this social media presence hidden overtime. Let people know who they are. And i like i think it's also finding it out there and say something very important. Thank you for bringing it up. And i do appreciate that. You particularly paid attention to this is the most fundamental and most crucial thing in this whole process. We have to understand what is love. Love is complete denial or negation of ego. You cannot be full of ego which basically manifest itself in all kinds of fear and self doubt and all the negativity that we have piled up on you cannot be full of all that and still demand to be you welcoming a human being into your life to their a complex entity to appreciate who they are to really understand their prospective.

00:35:23 - 00:40:04

You really have to shadow side all your own conditioning and see what they are do. That one has to be very comfortable with their own fast and for me to be comfortable with my means i have. I have owned my past. I'm so calm. Confident and comfortable in my past have no hesitation sharing any secret so i have no secret. Which is the definition of integrity. I'm the same way inside and outside integer. i'm whole love. I think my last thing and cut a place off. This is like until you know yourself and like know what you're really comments you. It is really hard to find that person. I think what i've gotten from. You is like you know yourself. You know the characteristics of what's going to click right and all the superficial things about like looks and other interested in like liking certain music's all that's relevant like you just want to go for character everything else falls into place on its own you just have to find and focus on the few things that are really really important so i could have said i want to date a millionaire or billionaire and that would be some person had such priority but i don't you have to really narrow down and find yourself focused excessively on what is it. That's that's you. That is the most important thing about you. Right character is fundamental. there's nothing more abstract more essential that who i am. Everything else is just secondary. It's just. I happen to be born of indian parents. So i'm ethnically indian certain size and i happened to have seen a lot of bollywood movies so i love dancing right. All that is this whole that is just conditioned in wires who you are. That's right some of my takeaways. Is i think julia said this. But what is your end game here. Is it to get good at dating which we hear all the time on so get a i. I came across the state. I can talk to a wall. That's great but i wasn't sure if you want this to be your fulltime job where you actually trying to find someone to love. So what's your end game here and be intentional about intentionally is very important when it comes to dating if you go on a first date with intentions of having a really great i eight. 'cause you're you know you're good at it. Then that's what you're going to get but if you go in with the intention of seeing if if there could be a love connection or a human connection and that's a much different intention there the second takeaway i kept thinking like i kept thinking about parallel lives and something you did on your website which i thought was really cool that you a letter to your future beloved and what i find interesting is like you know at this day and age. Whoever we find now we've been living parallel lives all years and then at some point in your journey you intersect and cross. Pat's so what if we were able to approach our daily lives every day as a way to devote it to our future turn beloved it right so today. I'm going to paint this horse. Because i want to share it with my future beloved because i think he will love it or today. I'm going to go hiking. Because i'm i'm working on on cherishing my body and i want to share that eventually with my beloved. That and i really appreciate that. You wrote this letter to this new mystery woman. Do appreciate the fact that the person you're going to find suppose you're single is alive today right just to fully appreciate the fact that she's going through the same kinds of things that i go through the usual anxiety and depression of every day ups and downs and joys and a heartbreak sorrows and do all to understand that you're going to go through a lot together. You're going to fall sick going to be all going to die. One person may die before the other. So you have to see the other person's death it should really shake up your conscience to see that this is not a joke. You're playing a game here we're playing with. We're involved with a human being whose very very precious. There's no more nothing more precious than life in this entire universe right and i would even go to the extent that saying that other than having a great relationship. I don't know what else is more secret. It will be extraordinary. That person will know everything about you and love everything divine.

00:40:04 - 00:45:01

Love your journeyed. They will love your purpose. They will support you wholeheartedly. That's that's the loving and fulfilling and wholesome relationship that i know is possible and it's only possible when you let go of your leg off your nonsense and be completely open and then having that kind of mindset keeps people from playing all the stupid games thrived eating. Less roy moore. I what you see you can get right being totally open and then all these texting. That should text her. Or what did i say downloaded right now. Never do that. And i love this mindset of thinking about life with them because it's like it's batch that whole thing about like staying positive staying like this is going to happen. There's no other way it's not my life the way it like. Yes and you're just waiting for your paths to cross right. That isn't a fixating. Why am i still single. Global activity spiral all that. It's not finding its crossing paths a guy like that. It's almost like you're letting the universe come to you like putting it out there and letting people come in your lead the university of what you want and perhaps the universe has away scheme in mind. Whenever the time is ready at the time is right that perhaps the reason why i don't have a partner. Today's because i'm not ready for it. And i don't even know about it and i knew i would be ready the moment i will find. You should definitely. Ab spencer's this is literally everything through a definition. Yeah it is very much true. By definition and i i want you to repeat that because again we hear his why me. Why is this happening to me. Why am i alone. Why can't i find someone. it's so. Self centered right so why meaning you'll universities against me but you're saying the universe has a plan here. Okay i'm just in just smart Small part of the universe already. Put it out there. When i'm looking for and when the universe things i'm ready it's going to give it to me. Yeah have to be happy independently right so when i am happy independently. Then the question of sadness loneliness it all disappears and i know how what keeps me happy i. It keeps me happy. When i'm doing things that are brave and different and pursuing my passion specially at work aura. Dancing or writing blog posts that ordinary. People cannot right to be myself. That's the former self expression. That's i found happiness and joy there. And i'm just going to keep doing those things and still exploring interest when the time is right. I'll find somebody. How much bishops do i need. I need as much patience as much. Diamond digs to find someone and no more than that young so i just have never out of patients because the moment i find somebody that will be all the patients that i needed in this process. Perhaps it will take an entire lifetime. And i know that i'm pretty confident it's going happen. It's gonna happen as soon as house in in san francisco basically saying if it doesn't happen immediately than maybe that is just the universe saying i'm not different so before we wrap up. I wanna do a quick exercise. Something you said earlier. Ricky was that you said people had introduced you choose some a girl and you're like well didn't know me very well so whoever they introduced me to wasn't right fit because obviously whoever was doing the matching to know you that well i think with julian i was talking about like are non. Single friends will always be like. Oh let me set you up with this other single guy just because you're asking. Yeah you lives in san francisco and it's so frustrating because you don't know what i'm looking for. So let's do. This exercise julia. I are going to call out to our listeners. About who ricky's looking for the type of girl. We think that he's looking for just to give you something to push against so you can say yes. That is true or no. That's not true. Because i think people should do this with their friends to. Yeah this is what i'm looking for. A you. repeat it back to me. European back me if you think you know what i'm looking for so the type of girl i think you're looking for a couple words come to mind someone on a journey. Someone who's constantly moving and that's physically and mentally so physically there should be active and may not be danced. But it's just something that gets her bodies moving mentally they're also on a journey a journey of personal development getting through something working through something accepting something i think someone that has depth someone that has like overcome some adversity in their life. Like someone that understands like struggles understands depreciates you for who you are as well.

00:45:01 - 00:50:03

I would second the self growth one hundred percent someone who's constantly working on themselves also someone who's whimsical but grounded so there's of that whimsical cicle believable side to them. That maybe a little bit childish cure curiosity right. Who's there like. See what's behind that door. Ricky but someone who is grounded as they have their shit together. They're not just going through every door. I mean like what's behind the store. They still have a very grounded. Pack is it along the way very very playful with how they approach the universe in the world. And i think someone positive they need to be half optimistic and positive for sure Passion someone who's passionate about someone percent hundred percent. But i think people use that word a little chew sparingly. I think it's just like oh everybody says oh it's just like passion whatever but passion comes from the heart in it comes from the got so you can send some passion without them saying they're passionate. I think the other two. I out there someone. That is an open book. Someone who does not dislike doesn't hide things like wants to like put it out there. What their past me. Yes yes they do it everywhere just to you like you don't want someone that's more reserved that you want them to. Whenever people to speak they're able to open and not feel judged and vice versa. Shorto to they don't live in their head. Yep they have something to speak it. Yep the my last one. I would say someone that is committed committed. I think can mean many different things. I think committed to you someone that doesn't want to give up like someone that is going to like v long-haul the and because mindedness are do poisons relationship mostly thinking that. There's somebody else better out there. And i have a blog post with that someone better out there that i saw this constantly questioning that are in the right relationship. They haven't yet fallen in love. Yup because then you fall in love. That question is would you be interested in replacing your bed. For example there is no other the same way about dog that once i had her i know i lost all interest in finding somebody else. Your or your adopted is the name of that. And i just fell in love. I treat her like my baby. And i just don't want anybody and you know the dog is ever going to replace her. This is how do we do. Oh i have one hundred percent last night. I was trying to find the right way to describe this. So i can only picture a visually in my mind cut like this were cherished comes to mind someone who's able to cherish the moment. I feel like the time that anybody spends me you. You're able to wrap that up into a nice gift. It's like a and and you're always like even your words like gifts that come out and i just wanna cherish each and every word. You need someone who's willing to do that. Who's willing to cherish time. Who's willing to cherish their bodies their minds our hearts and someone else's time body mine harness well so that cherish word is something very strong for me. You can relate with that some motivated motivated to take this on into my own life but also motivation to find you someone. I think julian is set up our listeners on blind dates all the time. I'm pretty sure you're open to it but anybody who's listening to this. You don't even have to go through me and juliet. it's okay we don't we don't need the twenty five k it's about finding love and love is priceless. There's just you can't put a price tag on it. And i who i'm begging you guys. Think about it. Who if you have someone you think would be great ricky. Please reach out to us or to to ricky himself and also if you're a single and you want your friends to kind of think about you and you should always tell your friends what you're looking for. Tell them you're single. You're looking for this person is who you are in that. We can always stay top of mind album. Ricky's like he's gonna be top of mind. That's us going gonna say another takeaway. It's like i think so. Many times like single is like depending on how you view it as like a plague. Matisse's it's like. I don't want to tell anyone i'm single. Maybe like hide it but if you tell people like you don't know who they know exactly. Okay ricky if people want to reach out to you tell them where they can find you. I think the best place to start is to go through my blog from where you can find links to my facebook instagram lincoln. Whatever your favorite is and give us a website. The website is. Www dot fallible dot me and we'll link that as well but then listeners. The sounded like you. I gave you is do not hesitate but i would say read.

00:50:03 - 00:52:08

Ricky's the website. Because see if this is the right person for you in that way and then in this podcast plus that maybe it is the right time to me. Yeah and devote like a good two hours. That's how much everything about regular cigarettes again. So it's fantastic. That was wonderful. Thank you so much ricky and to wrap this up stay your action item for this week is to find clarity on what your end. Goal is when it comes to dating. If you're end goals to find a meaningful connection think about ways that you can deepen your connections with people already know this. Episode of dateable is brought to you by five hundred branches five hundred brunches connect like minded people with similar interests to meet in real life. You answer a questionnaire about your interest and how you spend your time. And then they'll match you in small groups of six to eight at a brunch spot in san francisco get a free entry into brench now by signing up at five hundred branches dot com and using the code date. Able if you didn't know already we have a revamped site with articles videos and content all about modern dating you can also find our premium. Why series where we dissect analyze and offer solutions to some of the most common dating conundrums. We've had some great feedback. About how actionable these episodes are so check them out on our website or items music also visit the site today to see the latest about coaching where we connect you with. Dateable approved experts to help with everything from dealing profile reviews coaching and even gathering real feedback about your dating style in a personalized and affordable way to connect with us visit dateable. Podcasts dot com. You can also find us on facebook twitter and instagram. All under dateable podcast. Don't forget to subscribe an auto download the podcast on itunes. Or your favorite podcast player. So you never miss an episode.

Dateable Podcast
Yue Xu & Julie Krafchick

Is monogamy dead? Are we expecting too much of Tinder? Do Millennials even want to find love? Get all the answers and more with Dateable, an insider’s look into modern dating that the HuffPost calls one of the ‘Top 10 podcasts about love and sex’. Listen in as Yue Xu and Julie Krafchick talk with real daters about everything from sex parties to sex droughts, date fails to diaper fetishes, and first moves to first loves. Whether you’re looking to DTR or DTF, you’ll have moments of “OMG-that-also-happened-to-me” to “I-never-thought-of-it-that-way-before.” Tune in every Wednesday to challenge the way you date in this crazy Dateable world.