S7E8 Friends with other benefits

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The Dateable podcast is an insider's look into modern dating that the Huffington post calls one of the top ten podcast about love and sex. On each episode, we'll talk to real daters about. From sex parties to sex droughts, date fails a diaper fetishes and first moves to first loves. I'm your host Yue Xu, former dating coach turned dating sociologists. You also hear from my co host and producer Julie Krafchick as we explored this crazy dateable world.

This episode of dateable is brought to you by five hundred brunches. Five hundred branches connects like minded people with similar interests to meet in real life over brunch. You answer a questionnaire about your interest and how you spend your time. And then they'll match you in small groups of sixty eight at a brunch spot in san francisco get a free entry into a brench now by signing up at five hundred brunches dot com and using the code date able everyone welcome to another episode of dateable a show all about modern dating on this episode. We're gonna be talking about the friend zone. We actually had an episode about the friend zone awhile ago and how this couple came out of the friend zone and now they're married But today we have our guest bobby on the show who is sort of notorious rep for always being friend zone a little bit of friends only nerves sometimes during the zoning at times to pay both ways so bobby is our expert friends owner. She is thirty years old from new hampshire. He's been in san francisco for four years and currently on a dating sabbatical. Okay from you know what we've known about bobby. He is self proclaimed nice guy in seems to often fall into the friend zone. He's been called over to carry boxes up the stairs. And you've been fixed a sink faucet and helped assemble a bed frame. What are you. I- kiala is has all around handy guy. He say friends with many of the girls. These men on dating apps and is even now friends with their current boyfriend. This is just blowing my mind. How does that transition even happened. You go on a few dates and then how do you become friends. I think initially. I'm not too presumptious. I go out on a date with them. I think i start more from a friendly side of things on. I moved here. I suppose. I was just looking for trends. I'm not to like overly aggressive. So i kinda set the bar loads if we can be friends. I even if there is an attraction. I don't necessarily think that's a bad approach. I mean the basis of any good relationship is a friendship so it actually makes dating more enjoyable. Go out thinking you want to be friends first and have that develop but my question is how does that. Just stay in the friend zone and a dozen develop. What do you think it is happening. That's not taking these friendships to the next level. Probably sense of urgency a mentioned briefly. How just looking for friends with the potential something going from there. And i mattered this one woman and we weren't initially berry flirtatious whatsoever. Good chemistry we had similar interest in photography and some in design and just said good banter. So there wasn't necessarily flirtation out of that and there is a bit of stagnation where we just didn't meet up right away At the time. I was living in south bay for a short while. Wasn't sure how it's going to be coming back to san francisco finally did in a kind of just. I just decided. Like is more interested in being friends potentially than having something workout and a valued that that morris suppose okay. So then i'm confused. Are we talking about friends zone in sense that you want to find ways to get out of the french zone or are you. Are you here to tell us about. Wide zone is actually not a bad place to be. I think funds not a bad place to be if that's something they're comfortable with. And if you set those expectations from the start. It's definitely not an ideal place to be if you are looking for. Something more substantial. What are you looking for back. then i was. I think i was looking for more continual dating scene. Something could go somewhere. But one thing that was really discouraging. Was that you feel like you. Don't really get a chance to kennedy launcher flat feathers. If you will because you might go on one day and then right away. It's like no interest after that but then they might wanna be friends still so now when your friends and they have significant others like do you feel anything towards these people or you just kind of like cool if it personally in this circumstance of one. I mentioned that a couple years ago. So that's totally asked by the sign and yeah you're right. I am friends with their significant other. And there's nothing wrong with that. I don't think in needle think it's weird that they met you on a dating out like there's don't believe though like especially in san francisco of all places so are you on dating apps now for friends know here. We've talked about this on past episodes like when you move to a new city. Sometimes that's like a red flag for someone that's looking for something super serious because people are kind of using dating apps the way you described just to meet more people in maybe even prioritized friendship over dating or something to even do somewhere to go on a friday.

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I could see that happening for sure. And so i guess i'm still confused about what you're looking for. Good question personally. I'm not really looking for super serious relationship at this point you know. I think that's one thing that had like self reflect on. That felt like. I was looking for something for quite a while. And just not really finding anything. Maybe some abandoned scenario where. I was just or or so. You're not in a place to be in a relationship. You can serious so then. What are you looking for then. I'm to keep asking that. If i if i were to be looking on the dating site would probably be looking for friends and hopefully said that expectation upfront. So i go to dating sites to find friends. I think it's the accessibility considering in san francisco. The bay area. When i first moved here as a little difficult to organically meet people. That was four years ago. So what about now. Four years later. You're in san francisco. You're established why still go on dating apps for so. I guess i was trying to earlier was the fact that maybe a little for something and that wasn't essentially what i should have been looking for wasn't ready for that and over the past. Maybe six months or so kind of had the realization. Where you know. I'm kind of looking in the wrong places as something. Maybe a relationship to fix some of the problems. So what made you want to go on a dating sabbatical. What caused that Exhausted to be honest. Just kinda felt like it's dead end. Vote a little disposable. So what i'm hearing from you as at this point. You're on dating sabbatical. Because you've experienced dating fatigue you'd experienced dating fatigue. You must have had issues when when you were dating at the time. So let's go back to that. What were the dating issue facing. Was it the feeling you said you felt. Disposable is that feeling support disposable. Does that come from being friend. Zoned with girls who you know you go on a few dates with and then you end up being friends with her boyfriend and you do like carry their boxes and and fixed serve. Faucets is that the root of the dating fatigue a bit of it. So the david fatigue just come from searching to try to match with someone and then you finally go out on a date with them you getting friend zone and then it's just like a roundabout where he just keep going around. The circle also may be the reason why on sabbatical now twos. I'm personally trying to work on myself. Full transparency yeah trying to maybe use dating. Bandaids hye-ock vague where it's like. Oh you get a match. Great yours is kind of a hopeful outlook in what And like i was just like tired of that roller coaster. Yeah and just moved out onto like my own apartment. Can i have my own space now. And i just need to start doing things for myself again but you know what this is great having this conversation with you because sometimes you have to talk it out loud because right. Now you're like. What is my situation right now. While your situation right now is a consequence of what you experience dating and the consequence of you experience dating. Is you being like. I'm not ready for a relationship or anything serious. But let's go back to the root of the problem. Which is you were experiencing dating fatigue. What i'm sensing from you is that there's a lack of focus like if we went on a date together and this is how we were talking. I'd be like not sure why you're on dating apps like why are you. Why are we here right. Are you just looking friends if you are. Then you know. I'm not looking for. Because i'm on dating right so to me. It's it's almost like you have to be more focused and targeted in what you're looking for before you go out dating again. So would you like go out for drinks with these girls pay like what. How did that work. Yeah certainly So if we were to go out for drinks or coffee dinner what have you you know. Definitely make the gesture to pay a one thing. I have found a lot in san francisco's that you know. A lotta like the women here. They don't want you to pay necessarily so the way you're speaking also is from what the women want but you have to think about what do you want. What are your values if your values are want. Treat a girl to drink. That's your value right. If she doesn't accept it that's her problem. But you have to be more solid and strong in what you value date conviction exactly in my own rather than catering and i have the sense in the like julian i talked about this earlier. Was telling her about my front in l. a. He's in a very similar situation where he gets friends about zone quite a bit. He's experiencing fatigue on taking it dating sabbatical. The root of his problem is that he has never outright said. I like you. Or i want to take you on another date. Or i want to take this.

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To the next level he ends up going on dates and let's girls talk about their dating problems and the guys they're seeing. Yeah and then as soon as you let a girl do that. She already sees as a friend so she's going to be great. I can keep talking about my dating problems sometimes. Just bring on the point of paying. I know there's a lot of mixed things but a lot of times when women sounds counter it there but a lot of times when women are feeling like this is just a friend. They don't want them to pay because they don't want to like. Oh someone something right so if that vibe is already being put out there that could explain why women are actually being more forward about paying right right exactly. And that's like a consequence of what you're putting out there. I think my whole point is when i'm sensing from you bobby. You're putting up a defense mechanism here where you're saying. I'm not looking for anything serious. I'm working on myself. Which is great. But at the same time i feel like deep down you are looking for something otherwise you wouldn't be listening to our podcast and we wouldn't be having this conversation today. August is so entertaining. We'll thank you. I guess like the girl you built her bed like. What did you feel about that. Like after that happened I mean it was kind of like to be like bayton switch scenario. Yeah like we had stopped like dating for a couple of months but then they they just asked if i could help like hammer something in but then when i get there it's like a full on bet assembly for why she asked you and not a task rabbit a great question because she knew you would do it. That's what problem you know like the more you give and you get nothing back. And i'm not saying it's tit for tat. This world doesn't about something raising back but if if there were no signs of her respecting you any more than you building her bed then then why even bother to us like either like maybe root problem like not wanting to disappoint. Yeah and so. That's like a definite problem. Where do you think that comes from. I think the big thing is like growing up. I always had like a good amount of friends like all in different circles. I never really had any super close friend. And he kinda wanna hang onto the ones that you had and so it's like even now. I circles of friends in different areas. The no like super super close best friends so when you meet someone like the girl that you mentioned with photography and you have this connection you want to hold onto. It actually want to know so that that you carry the boxes do. Do you still talk to her. No not her. What about the one. You assemble the bed frame. Oh yeah you still talk to your friends. Yeah we're just runs now. You're just friends issues. Does she have a boyfriend. Interesting story about seth. While when i set a helper set up the bed dating in any regards or is longtime ago a wild house here with that. She told me that she was like dating. So and now. I'm like wow he okay. That is day because apparently he was injured or something like that. Okay i need to know. Do you guys still talk. You guys still a intermittently. We don't one another necessarily like might be like. Hey what's up or why graham. Why even keep that in your life. Like what hell sure like similar hobbies. Like i'm pretty into rock. Climbing out here are like thousand. So you're looking for it. Feels like you're looking for activity partners that flow. We don't climb necessarily together but were just like having good rapport a difficult time. Like burning bridges are cutting the cord. I to know. Who's the core of who bobby is there. Scotney more to you than being a nice guy being someone who's a people pleaser being someone who's a great friend. I'm sure you're always there for your fence. But do you ask for help. No i really. Why why is that John's maybe it's like pride myself. On being somewhat self sufficient i've noticed more and more like really independent. I go mountain biking by myself friday saturday. I don't really have that urge to like always had someone there. There's a difference between being a loner and being independent. When you're a loner you so in your head about things and your head is your nine. It's always churning. You're always always analyzers you become a. I hate to say. I hate using this word. But you become a molester of your own thoughts you start just molesting your thoughts over and over inactivating think about different scenarios. Like what if i did this. What if i'd done that and it calms perverse in some ways. Because you're just stuck in your own head that's a loaner when your independent it just means that you are finding on your on your. Yeah but you also are open to other challenges and opinions and perspectives. I feel like what you really need right now and again. I'm not a therapist.

00:15:01 - 00:20:03

Or anything. Like that. But i i sent could really help is to get you out of your comfort zone something that just pushes you to be totally uncomfortable and i actually get the sense that this is a comfortable for you. Certainly a question for you like there is definitely people that just enjoy being single. And that's what they want and that's totally awesome but we said before we're not fully sure where you're falling from this conversation when you're like having alone time do you think about women. Think about dating or is that not even on your mind. I'm not thinking about dating. No main growing up of definitely more like a romantic in a sense where i would think about like all. They want one days capsule to love this that the other on. But what. I have noticed as i've gotten older Kind of valued my alone time a lot more and just haven't felt the need that like here to share it now when i do go places like hiking and whatnot. If you're like oh rod spots like sure this way maybe not now is a bad example dating like were you like thinking about the people you had been on dates with or was it just kind of like certainly kind of like as you i established was that like i was like inside my own head all the time. Okay so i guess what. I'm trying to understand. What is it inside your head with relationships and dating or inside your own head with whatever at the time when i was dating yes like inside my own head with relation senior. Like oh like what's it like. Why not necessarily why. They responded but like. I wonder what they're doing like. Why don't they want to hang out or it's all always about them right like why isn't she wanted to do this. Riots and she interested but the did you question. What is it the i want. What do i like about her. What i want out of this relationship or friendship. I think that's what needs to dry. These dates we see all the time when someone comes back from day. Oh i hope he really liked me or hope. She found the attractive. But it's not just dating is a two way street. you also have to evaluate. Do i want to be with this person. I agree in one thing that i definitely pick up on like when i did go on. Those dates was like how well someone could Articulate you know. I might be having a tough time right now if someone can speak with conviction and kind of really introspective. Have the ability to talk about the things. They like what they're interested in. Not just say that they. You know like cars or substance right exactly butane you gotta give it back to them right certainly so. I have a question for you when i was asking you what you think about with in the past with these dates and one of the things you said was why. Aren't they responding. Or what are they doing right now. All these questions about them. What moves to you. Make to show them that. You're interested that you wanted to do more. Definitely a big shortcoming of. I'll admit that ever like not acting with enough conviction in the sense of like i like you or i'm interested like severe or not severely but like i wanna go to the next level or what have you. I think it's something that i've drawn out. In most cases you could give it to answer could be like for fear of the potential rejection right or also ability to cultivate some sort of like bond. You will have a tough time kind of jumping into like you know intimacy like right away. Conversation emotionally that is and to feel comfortable to do that. And you only like deeper. That's probably has to do with childhood upbringing. My parents weren't very like are they didn't avert with divorce or anything of that nature but kind of like affection closeness stuff like that never was kind of their. I get it. Yeah so it's not something. I'm necessarily like i wouldn't say on the uncomfortable uncomfortable with it but it's not something that i'm familiar with that you can jump into crack so i would say two things one is. These aren't shortcomings. So take that out of your vocabulary. -tunities for improvement right. We all have opportunities for improvement here. It's not a shortcoming shortcoming. Assume that cannot be done anymore but this is just an opportunity for improvement. The second thing i would say is when i sent from you if that the way. Modern dating works doesn't exactly fit your personality. You seem like a guy who needs time. You need more facetime yell. My you need feelings to develop especially when it comes to intimacy you also need the girl to give you an opportunity to peel back the layers and show her who you are in those things cannot be done the first three eight four five days or even like a month but when you meet these girls on dating app y-yeah expectation is it's right you're a strategy that works for you should be going from friend zone to relationship yonne but that doesn't work from dating app and i think what's probably happening.

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I'm just thinking. I was in the shoes of someone. That's our with you. I would get the vibe that you weren't interested that you right so just like worked out of eveleth right or ambivalent i think yeah ambivalent is the key word so i would lose interest in that. He were like just wanted to be friends. Like i guess it depends on my own personal need. If i needed friends or didn't but i'd be like okay like this makes sense. He wasn't interested in anything more. But i might have been interested in more exactly. You know how many of our girlfriends have come back from dates or like have data guys for a while and one. they're like. I don't know where this headed. I don't know we're friends. Or were more have no idea. And then to. They're like if he just said something. I would be on board. Yep he had just made a move. I would have been on board and we hear all like the date. I went on when i was here. Remember and i went on the state and probably the shortest date i've ever had in. My life was like under an hour. Thirty minutes of union. And i came back here because i love my back here and our guests were still here. It was that short and they were like. Wow that's a short day. Didn't go all like yeah. I don't think the guy was like interested. And then i got a follow up text. That was like such a great time. And i was like really because that was not the vibe that i got it all and he basically had a conversation he was like. Oh i felt like. I dislike made clear. I couldn't stay long and i was really interested but honestly if i didn't have that conversation with him i would have just walked away from key wasn't interested. Yeah definitely you have to make your feelings known. And it's not like some epic confession. Right away i'm in love with you is more like hey i like you. I wanna see you again but wanna take you on another date a date. Yeah for that guy. Following up now. But i mean honestly that guy falling even via taxed at east showed me. That was he was interested. Yeah if he didn't do that ad how do you like. Do you ever tell people got a great time. I wanna see you again like leave. It certainly like a follow up and so like oh had a great time. Let's go out again. I might not always make the conviction of like. Let's like going on another date. It really depends on how the conversation started from the beginning. Whether it's like it's like hang out which might be like for instance something like that right which is less a pretty casual. I will admit like i do. Tend to set the initial meets as more casual. There's nothing wrong with castle dates but people need to know that. This is for romantic reasons. Right so i could julian. I go on walks all the time either all. I'm sorry you never say a. It's it's the it's not so much what you're doing on the date. It's the context that you put it in so if you put in the contracts of yeah. I want this to be a date. I want this to be romantic then. The girl with think twice about accepting the date right for you also need a count build my furniture gotta with the fact that i think you are on this journey right now. Self reflection is already a really big step. Because i think you already recognized some of these opportunities for improvement and how you can work on them one. I think it's i don't think dating apps. Are you still get back on dating apps when you're ready to date again but they're not the best for you because you need in more not long term necessarily a book yet somewhere at the are also more opaque. It's warm big use for women to like. If the there's this thing again i always put his example but i'm not like the athlete that wakes up at six. Am maybe not everyone is. I think it's great if you are actually sounds like you might be into this type of stuff but anyways like there's like nobody ever abroad but i think the girls that go the women that go. They're going to run. They're going to want to impede on that. Necessarily but i guess why. Apply those but not impeding because things can just. Naturally i know a lot of people that have met significant others that way and if you go on a dating app and then it doesn't go anywhere it's like. There's a weird because your expectation is date. You need to be somewhere where the women's expectation isn't necessarily date mcgirt in those. I think one of my major gripes with dating apps even though it should be known in the name that it is a dating app but it sets the framework up as data really rather than kind of getting to know yet so another question for you because you mentioned on the phone that you don't really like going to bars you prefer coffee or lunch.

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'cause it's i think for sumptuous well i might use that word to liberal but I think one thing that really struck own. Usa said like it's it's more or less casual. I'd definitely see outdoorsy. Rather do something like that. Hopefully i'd mattress someone similar and so it kind of sets the bar lower as less dedi than i can kind of get to know the person and then after that initial casual encounter then we could potentially set a framework up for a true day and that doesn't work dating apps apparently because on data caps expect gonna turn date right away so we're like the last places that you've taken women. It's time to take a quick break so we can tell you about the latest service. We have been building over here. Dateable created a platform to connect you with vetted experts from our network to help with everything from coaching with dating therapy dating profile reviews and even ways to get real feedback about your dating style. A session sickly run from thirty minutes to an hour and can be done via skype. Or google hangouts so you can be anywhere. Listeners have been sharing how worthwhile their sessions have been with comments about how easy the coaches are to talk to how they have provided a new perspective. And how they have created actionable ways to inspire change to meet the coaches and book your session. Today visit dateable podcasts dot com slash coaching. Now back to the shop so right where the last places that you've taken women i fix or your first day definitely for funston of lot of dogs. They're love dogs. I don't know about you. I've done the coffee date before. I feel like it's really hard to have a connection there. that's not me. Lake it just it just. The environment doesn't really draw for that doesn't cater to put might be like quick yeah I think i've done this before where it's like. You grab a coffee but then like gonna walk like embargoed era of me. That doesn't field data. I don't know maybe. I'm in that i don't know what you think you may but it just feels like just dating app. I would not like that at all. No i'm a dating app. I would expect at least to drink. Kelly's drinks wide-range because to me it's more intimate to do. Drinks doesn't mean it needs to be. Alcohol means it in a darker environment tonight that to me signals that it's more intimate so i'm not gonna like tap you on the leg at a coffee place right. Yeah that's weird. Invite in a bar. We're like sitting right next to each other at stools in we were like laughing in your joking and it just. It was more for the girl. Then you want. I think you are probably attracted to pretty strong women who drive a situation drive the conversation but those women would crush you in the middle of the meat you. They're going to be like yeah. I'm gonna crush s guy. That's how that we know that dichotomy really exists so in if you take these strong women in a casual environment. They're already be like. Oh my god. Do you feel like the women you go for. Tend to be stronger. Definitely more attraction towards that. I could send assertive. Women certainly. Yeah and you know you're not wrong. I'm not the most assertive person out there. I think assertive women. Yes they like to set the agenda but they also like to have someone. That does that too. I think lake assertive speak for all sorts of women but going on like a walk is just not going to lake i agree. That's the first thing like meeting You lucy with dating outs. You know from the get go. Some people do expect to on that date right away. And i suppose i don't align with that so it's bit more casual in my of repertoire. So here's something you might wanna try because there are certain norms that are set with modern dating and dating apps where you just assume you're our state is very david kind of thing but if you preface the date by saying i want to ask you out and when his meet you but this is how i like to move things forward. I prefer like sort of a meeting a casual meeting at first and it might be more casual than what you're used to but it's just the way i feel like things have worked for me. You know i think except rain. Yeah explained to other young versus just being like let's go on a walk. I've i've turned many walks in. Because i'm like i'd rather and awry with my dog. You know i. Yeah i keep pulling this example like that really short date i how but he act the guy like had said upfront like actually like my first time meeting people like sometimes i like to keep it shorter just because of past experience or whatever. Yeah exactly like a short day didn't necessarily mean it was a bad date yet such leading the short date.

00:30:06 - 00:35:09

You're like wow did not go. Well yes sir yes okay. So what are some of our takeaways from this whole conversation. Yeah like what you mentioned. At least take away. I'm going to take away a subject. Petitions have a better idea of the framework. And you know maybe. I was trying to make something work. That doesn't work for me As you alluded to you like online dating spray kind of straightforward black and white. I see lots of gray. Yes i think you know the biggest one for you. Bobby is to figure out what your values are. What you look for in a partner and stick to those values when you're when you go back to dating that way it'll help you. Evaluate of the dates are going well. If that person could be a potential partner for you and if it it will help you know help motivate you to drive that relationship connect to the next level and you do see a fit with your values make things a bit more clear to like when you do have those qualities you're looking for but you can definitely like see the personality and someone so far to say like what i was looking for in that type of scenario someone that's kind of a low key but then like isn't really like fancy ritzy this out the other again those are descriptors of who someone is. It doesn't describe their values so go back to like someone who low key. What do they value. They value quality time at home with their partner. That's a value a value deep connections versus a wide social network. That's value they value nature and being outside that's value so i think all the qualities say you are looking for a partner go back and think about. Where does that come from. What is that core. Value is a hassle with what you want as well but i think also to piggyback off that you should even think about what you are looking for long-term because that we've heard a lot of mix and i think it's totally cool if you are just like. I don't really want a relationship. I don't want that partner. But i think we're challenge. It is in my saying that. Because i'm scared of being rejected. I'm scared of being hurt. Or is that truly i want. Do i truly just love being by myself. In not necessarily sharing a life in deep conversations and feelings with someone else the other takeaway is no the difference between being a loner versus independent yet fighting. That's a huge one for a lot of people especially in the city because everyone's very independent and they sort of Qualify everything with that. It's like won't do this. Because i'm very independent this because i'm very independent. Why we get it okay. Everyone's fucking independent. Thing is the difference between a loner and independent. Is that if you're a loner on any given night you prefer to be alone if you're independent on any given night you're fine being alone but you prefer to share with someone else. There's a difference there if you're independent. You don't need anybody else right. There's no need for it. But if you're a loner you actually prefer to not have anybody else right. That's the difference. And what i see with a lot of people in san francisco especially my first month when i moved here three years ago. I think i talked about this. I was At stern grove. In a i got a uber with someone he was like. Let me give you a ride back. Because her album. Uber's are taken mike. Okay and in the car he said to me we were talking about dating. And he's like you know. I've given up on dating. I prefer to be alone. You know with my roommates and hang out with my bros. And i prefer i prefer that on any given night and i was like. Oh my god. This guy has given up on love. He literally has given up yet. So i think you're you don't want to get their body you don't want to get to the point now. Yeah exactly. i think a lot of people are before you fall off that cliff. Let us hold you back. And say bobby. You're not there you know you don't need to get there. Because i i think deep down you do want a meaningful connection with someone in some capacity passing. Sir yeah yeah. And i think that's another takeaway in general to people in the receiving end and also be btu. Also bobby but like people are on these dating apps for many many different reasons so it is imported to make sure that wherever you're dating is mashed with you because like if someone's looking for friends and you're looking for a really long term relationship like that workers it's just a waste of everyone's time for sure. Yeah having any other takeaways before we end question of the day so we have a question of the day. And i liked the on because it's basically the polar opposite of what we've been talking about so become serious on everyone's opinion so this question comes from dairy in.

00:35:10 - 00:40:00

I recently met this girl. And i'm just crazy about her. We've been dating for two weeks. And i can't stop thinking about her. I've been very forward about how i feel at first. She seemed really into this. She recently has become a bit more distant. When i told her i think she is the one and falling in love with her. How do i. How should i perceive i do not lose her new. This is basically the opposite moving superfan thirty. Yeah any thoughts. I mean for you to do. No gosh talk. What case of two people non same page. So i think a lot of times. We think the relationship is going a certain way but we don't communicate with so even though he says you know he was crazy about her seemed to everything is like she seemed to really be into it and i seem to be really into her But until things were verbalised that's when things changed really need. Confirmation is someone's a lot of assumptions. So i think it just comes from the lack of communication. They're definitely on different pages. And how you feel about some of the intensity so relative to your own experience you know if you've never been a relationship and then you fall in love that is very intense that if you've been in relationships before then you fall in love. Maybe it's not as intense right so what you think might be. Oh my gosh. She is the one i'm falling for her in may just take her a little time to catch up to that or she may not be feeling the same way so you can't assume how you're feeling out the reasons i think there's also a middle ground like we've said maybe it. It is really nice especially if you like someone to hear that they also like ended up there. And i think maybe it sounded like the beginning. She was kind of at least was on the same page reciprocal and then after he said. I think you're the one falling in love. That's when things started tricky turn yet so maybe it was just too soon too fast Field genuine because it was so soon. If it's only been like two weeks two weeks you know everyone's on a different today up for me. That's crazy but yeah for you. Maybe you have also have Could've fall in love with in two weeks so at again. We can't judge how others are will operate in their relationships. But you and your partner need to get on the same page and you can't be afraid to do that if you find out earlier on that she is just not that into you or as much as you are into her yet then you move on you find out now as opposed to a year from now if you're not on the same page you guys. It's better to be rejected earlier on then to find out your so one thing dairy and asked is how should i proceed. So i lose. Her may be having a conversation. Like i feel like. I might have freaked. You saying this stuff. I just want like i. It might be. Yeah it might have been too much. We all move at different paces. I did just want you to know. I'm really excited about this. I am looking for something long term. That is the case like we're at in turn it to her. So it's more of a dialogue opposed to him just telling her all the time how he feels. Fear should never drive your decisions. The fear of losing someone. The fear of rejection shouldn't be the main driver of why you do something so instead of i fear losing her. How do i proceed without losing her. How do i proceed in order to make sure i get the best out of the stating experience. That's a different way of looking at it. You gotta frame it that way. It's not about you can't be always be afraid of losing someone or fear of rejection. It's going to happen. it's going to happen. That's reality you can't control how someone else feels but when you can control is your own life and your own feelings yet and i think that is a good wrap up and tie into this also ojection could be thank too much or it could also be doing too little little cool all right anything else guys. Thank you for getting real with us. We appreciate it at the the hot seat. Not running away. I hope it helped. I hope it helps. It's good to face these conversations with someone else faces uncomfortable spaces because that's what grow says Doesn't even sound good health. That's what helps us grow as people. I think we should constantly be growing every day every second. So good job bobby. We're very brave now. Wants to come on the show. And i really appreciate that and thank you for being honest and yet like julie said very real okay.

00:40:00 - 00:42:28

Let's wrap this up. Hey we want to hear from you. Don't be scared where we're not. you know. We want to work through these issues together. 'cause i think at the end of the day with dateable why julian. I wanna start with this. Podcast is to let everyone know that we're all going through the same nance you're not alone in your thoughts. Don't be a loner. Let but don't be a loner least with your thoughts thoughts least with your thoughts. We want to open up the conversation. And that's why we started this podcast so we want to hear from you. If you have some issues or topics you'd like to discuss. Let us know we love to have you as a guest on our show okay. Let's wrap it up. Say the ball. Your action item for this week is to identify five situations that made you feel strong feelings and then from there from your feelings identify your needs so for example. I felt insecure. Because i need security. I felt disappointed because i need reassurance. Make a list of those needs and those are your needs for you. It's just a way of getting to know what you want. This episode of dateable is brought to you by five hundred brunches. Five hundred branches connects like minded people with similar interests to meet in real life over brunch. You answer a questionnaire about your interest and how you spend your time. And then they'll match you in small groups of sixty eight at a brunch spot. In san francisco get a free entry into a brench now by signing up at five hundred brunches dot com and using the code date able. If you do know already we have a revamped site with articles videos and content. All about modern dating you can also find our premium y series where we dissect analyze and offer solutions to some of the most common dating conundrums. We've had some great feedback. About how actionable these episodes are so. Check them out on our website or itunes music also visit the site today to see the latest about coaching where we connect you with. Dateable approved experts to help with everything from dating profile reviews coaching and even gathering real feedback about your dating style in a personalized and affordable way to connect with us visit dateable. Podcast dot com. You can also find us on facebook twitter and instagram. All under data podcasts dot to subscribe an auto download the podcast on itunes. Or your favorite podcast player. So you never miss an episode.