Celeste shares what it’s like to work(and date) as a sex coach and how her practice differs from a sex therapist. We talk about learning how to enjoy sex more, what to do when you and your partner aren’t compatible in bed, and how to reinvigorate your libido if needed.
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Season 8 Episode 16: Lets Talk About Sex
00:00:00 - 00:05:00
The Dateable podcast is an insider's look into modern dating that the Huffington post calls one of the top ten podcast about love and sex. On each episode, we'll talk to real daters about. From sex parties to sex droughts, date fails a diaper fetishes and first moves to first loves. I'm your host Yue Xu, former dating coach turned dating sociologists. You also hear from my co host and producer Julie Krafchick as we explored this crazy dateable world. Hey, everyone, welcome to another episode. Dateable a show all about modern dating. Let's talk about sex, shall we talk about sex? Maybe it's all I ever wanted to talk about anyways talk about you. Emmy hong. Good wing sitting in bad time. But we are about to talk about sex, one of my favorite topics. But we're gonna talk about sex in a more professional way, because we're speaking to a sex and relationship coach. Her name is Celeste Hirschman. She lives in San Francisco, and originally from San Francisco. She is in her forties. Currently single actively going on dates high Seles high. You must really love the topic of sex to. It's all I wanna talk. It's all talk about always. I'm going to brunch with you. How are brunch recissions turn out? Let's talk about what is a sex and relationship coach. We know what a relationship coaches, but what's a sex coach. I think you know, if you go to a traditional sex, therapist, or relationship therapist, you're going to talk a lot about your issues, but sex coaching we do experiential early. Not everybody does, but we do. So we've created the somatic method of sex in relationship coaching, and that means we're not just sitting and talking for also teaching people how to be more sensual and how to be more passionate, how to show their desire through their eyes on a touch better. So it's more interactive. So there's a hands on component to as hands on clothes on. Just to be clear. We don't take a close off, but we do teach that whole seduction process in is that something a sex therapist, wouldn't do they can do any touch in their office. So they have homework. They might show videos, those kinds of things. Oh, so basically, you are the physical therapist to a doctor. Yeah. Something like that. That's a good analogy. I like. What you do. How did you become a sex coach? Oh, well I got my master's in human sexuality studies, but that was very like clinical program. And what when I met my business partner, we both wanted to do experiential work. And so we created our own message over these last thirteen years of working with clients and seeing what they really needed to learn what they were good at what they didn't know how to do. So my business partner and I created a method where we actually help people practice like the whole seduction aspect of sex. So from touch to how you talk to somebody in a sexy way to how you look them in the eyes and bring your erotic energy. So it's more practical experiential work. There's also deep emotional work in it. But there's that very hands on its hands on. Yes, what are some of the reasons that people come to you? I mean, everything from sexless marriage. If it's a couple to just wanting to be a better lover or wanting to be better at dating or for women, a lot of times, they'll have low desire, then wanna give back into their sexual power meant and excitement about sex. Do you focus more on the physical aspect, or is there? Like a psychological component as well. It's both. It's really in they're so intertwined. You know what are some common, misconceptions people have about edu, the work that I do is hands on? But close on. Confuses Diaz clydes. No w. Because I think what we do is actually very cutting edge. Not everybody does it people haven't really heard of it. So usually it's hard for them to picture, you know what actually goes on in my office, because we have this very sort of like monogamous mindset, like you can't practice with someone how to be sexy and but it's just like you need to learn how to swing a golf club. You know, you need to learn how to play piano, and just imagine if you go into a piano lesson, and your teacher sits there and talks to you about Pano for an hour and the next week, they do. We're gonna learn via no. You certainly not gonna learn how to be more sensual lover or touch her. If you don't get any feedback on how your touch comes across since you people come to you so lower as couples whereas groups both solo Anna's couples on and we teach a big training. We actually train coaches in our method. Is it mostly men or what's the split men and women? It's very balanced between men women and couples, I guess, I would have the misconception that sex coaches are really good at SX on the I don't know if this concept yet you, I would probably really good SX can be very intimidating. When you're dating, I think I'm really good at. Surprise like wow, you're sexy. Makes me feel good. Is that how you came into this field? I was always very sexual like as a young person, I was interested in sex, I like to flirt like to dress in sexy way. So it wasn't something where I was repressed and then kind of came out of my shell it was a little bit more like that for my business partner, which is great because she kind of has, like the female perspective more. And I'm a little bit more like a guy. I wanna bang.
00:05:02 - 00:10:06
Your family about this. Like were they not surprised though? They weren't surprised at all. My family is like, you know, I was born in San Francisco to hippie parents. So there was. No. Like, of course. Yeah. At what age did you figure out that? You're really good. I feel like I was just very natural from. When I started having sex, because I didn't get a lot of shame. That's one of the good things about having hippie. Parents is you don't get a lot of messages like that or evil or your body is not. Okay. You know, like our bodies were celebrated walked around naked like it was very normal. How do people know if they're good at sex like that's one of those things like some people do think they are in some people are not, what's the barometer. Don't you think most people think our data set? I mean, I don't wanna talk for all people. There's a clientele that comes to you. That doesn't think that they're good at Saks. That's why they're coming, so I think a lot of people are actually shut down around sect because we don't celebrate it as something that's an essential part of it. We all we don't talk about it. We don't talk about it. We don't think of like, yes, of course, everyone wants to have sex, and it's a great thing to do. We think of it is trivial, or dirty, or, you know, there's negative messages that I think shut people down around there's -ality. So it's not it's not that everybody thinks that I think the way you know, if you're good at sexes, the noises that you're partners make it right. Physiological responses of their body, you know, so on the season finale of season seven, we had Dr Alexander Solomon on the show, and she teaches one of the most popular classes and request called marriage wanna one, and as part of it, she talks about how sex is very important in marriage in your relationships of people don't know how to enjoy sex and similarly brought up a friend of mine who's just turned twenty one. I have a very young friend. She's an old soul, as she told me where she for start having sex. She said, you know, in sex, Ed, I've always been taught how to have safe sex, but I was never taught how to have enjoyable sex. So she had to get the Jade egg to help herself understand her vagina and how to enjoy having an object in her vagina. Oh, yeah. To get us to that feeling. How'd you learn to enjoy sex, and how do you even know that you are enjoying sex? I think it's a good. It's a little bit of a process. If you are. Kind of disconnected from your body and disconnected from your arousal you need to I get into just enjoying being feeling your body and breathing for yourself and may be touching your own body and learning what turns you on in that way? And then being able to relax into receiving from partner because sometimes people are like anxious and they jump out and they get distracted. And so learning how to really engrossed in the experience and sense into all of the sensations, that are coming in and connect them to your pussy. Can I save pussies? Emag member too, your pussy, you know, it just takes a little while to kind of get your body up and running in that way. If you haven't before, what are some methods that people can do at home to enjoy sex more, I think learning how to do deep breathing. And also, like squeezing your muscles, when you breathe in then touching your body in different ways like giving yourself light-touch or squeezing touch. I'm also a huge fan of the vibrator. If you need to learn how to orgasm, I live with me me soft. That's my favorite he saw. Yeah. Never I've never. Oh, she's a great because she it's like small and egg-shaped but, but flat. And so you can use it during intercourse. Ooh. Mall and Asia, the shape of an egg, but flat, I've sworn by the magic wand, and she loves the magic wand, and she convinced me to get one, and I got one and now it's literally a back, massager would it was meant to be? So one is really intense. So you can put a dimmer on it like a regular late. Switch dimmer. Oh in that way, you can turn it down a little bit sometimes. It's too intense for some people used to use. The magic wand also. But it is hard to judge in there when you're having missionary position. And I like vision. So, yeah, I like to put my Mimi soft in between my partner and I what point to people like end up seeking out help if it's a couple versus and individual. How does that should work? I think people wait for as long as they possibly, unfortunately, because it's such a shame topic. And so think people try everything else. And then they're finally like, okay, fine. This is making me miserable, and want to have better sex. I wanna have orgasm. I wanna be a better lover. I want people to come back for a second date. Whatever is. And then they come they call us. And we are really fun and easy to hang out with, you know, I, I mean, I think people are terrified, but we make people so comfortable, we always get this, like, oh, I never thought doing these things would be so comfortable could see, though, why salon would feel like it was like daunting to go to, and then also like Nutley last resort in a way it is. It's like can I figure this out myself? I before I lean to someone you should almost go before it is a last resort. It should be preventative care, like everybody else, you go the dentist, you should go your sex coach for your sex life, and especially at the beginning, like I think six months into a relationship if you do a little couples therapy, right there, then you don't have to do years of it, five years later because you just get like okay starting to teach others buttons a little bit.
00:10:06 - 00:15:02
How do you take care of each other in the midst of that, boom, life is so much easier than if you wait until you have these horrible patterns with the person than you're trying to dig your lily? Have you ever met couples that are just absolutely not compatible in bed? Yes. And what do you say to them with your advice? So there's lots of different things that couples can do if they're not compatible in bed. They can learn each other's that what we call like hottest sexual movie and see if they're willing to guest star kind of an attorney taking way they can outsource so they can open their relationship and have all the other pieces of their relationship that are working like parenting, or, you know, living together, which are hard things to do with people have sexual experiences with other people. Some people find that to be helpful. So it's really depends on the couple. What makes a couple of not compatible in bed often it. I mean, the real incompatibilities come. When someone has a sexual desire, that the other person is kind of repulsed by, like a fetish. Yeah. I mean, it could be anything that other person's repulsed by could just be like, no, maybe somebody is really into dominance and submission and the other one really needs something romantic and just like the idea that their partner wants to dominate them makes them feel repulsed. So it. Can be something that's actually quite normative, or it can be something, that's you know, sort of like on the broader spectrum of desire. And we think all desires are beautiful. You know, she's sort of like, how do you negotiate them so that you can have them consensually? Is there anything that, like people come to like physical size or sling the like absolutely just can't change? I think what you can't change is sort of like your attitude about it. You mean like, if somebody if people just like literally don't fit together is would men do when they have a micro penis. Well, there's I mean, we don't men don't just have penises they have tongues and they have fingers can wear a dildo. I mean you not like if you want more deeper sensation if your partner wants deeper sensation than there are ways to achieve that, but also sometimes like a small penis is really, really good for hitting the g spot or if somebody's very clearly oriented, then you don't need as much internal stimulation from intercourse anymore just getting the, the pelvis hitting on your clitoris, and you orgasm that way. So it doesn't you don't have to have a huge penis. I like to. Hey, there's probably like, you know, some percentage of women that are size queens. They need a big penis. You can work with it, basically saying, and I know I think women need a big penis if they are very cervical in terms of, what makes them orgasm because that's very deep inside of the vagina, so you need something that can reach Kennedy. Penis be too big. Yeah. For some people, it's like out some of it's not necessarily one person size just the fit overall but the compound snake, there's many option. Many, many lives. I feel like sometimes people like give they're like, oh, my God. I love this person's amazing except for this one thing. Yes. A sex. Isn't that great? But it sounds like they can work through the time to get creative. Do you remember that episode on sex in the city were Carey has dislike very hot and heavy relationship with the sky? And they haven't had sex, and then they do finally sleep together. And it was terrible. Kim that kind of scenario be resolved through sex coaching amid Felix. If you're starting there is Camille little challenging, you know like if you really like have already fallen in love with someone maybe waited until marriage. I've had couples where that was the case for waited until marriage. And then they were completely incompatible. I know I know that's why I say, like you know, like, don't wait toll. To learn a little more about people that are coming as a single, like, what are the reasons that they're coming in a, you touched on a few ledges confidence, or dislike lack of experience like what types of things, do you coach them through? Yeah, it can be. Shame it can be like they have some trauma, that they've done a lot of work on a ready. But they haven't really learned how to reimburse their pleasure. So it can be, you know, wanting to be a better lover and technique. And you know, you get a new partner in your like on totally lost everything that used to work doesn't work now. And, and I need to learn some new tools, rush up on the latest. We talked about how women can do at home to enjoy sex more. What can guys do I do think extended masturbation and maybe doing semester ration- without porn, because a lot of times if you do if you masturbate every time with porn, you kind of training, your body for very quick, psychological based arousal and you're not getting a sensation based arousal. So if you do more, like. Full-body masturbation. Like you can still be touching your but like touching the rest of your body at the same time, maybe using fantasy and sort of porn, which is a little lighter in terms of how intense it is logically that you develop that other pathway to arousal and pleasure more. And then you have both psychological, and physiological arousal porn is an interesting point because I feel like there's a side of it that sometimes expectations are off. If people just watch porn, all the time, they expect things that happened important happen in real life. Do you ever see instances like that? Oh, yeah.
00:15:02 - 00:20:03
I think it's gonna be like the scourge of the future because because, you know, whereas like the people who are coming into my office now like luckily found a playboy one time when they were twelve you know, now it's just like you click, and you can get everything at your fingertips, and it is a very unrealistic, especially for trail of female pleasure. You know, he's just like right to the like hard and fast. Ev like a Jack rabbit. Oh Sam terrible. As soon as it like. Stop touching. It so fast. And so we just started making out what are you doing? I'm not ready yet. There's other parts of my body warned me up. I hate. Yeah. So when you say extended masturbation, do you have a time for that, maybe like take a half an hour, you know, in our how yet really like lie down to some breath. You like warm yourself up a little. So what are some like methods that are used in your actual office? So I could even help somebody practice extended masturbation, but with clothes on. Right. So they can be touching their whole body. They can be touching themselves over their clothing. You guide them. Yeah. Ruin got it and help them breathe and help them make sound help the move their bodies just sort of like get into it more. Do you think your clients fantasize about you? I hope so. That's a great segue to your own life. Because a lot of to hear how this is your daily life. And I want to say something about I hope so, because it's not like it's not like an egotistical thing, it's like people should be fantasizing about all sorts of things all the time. And they are, you know, and I want to encourage people to have all of the fantasies that they have not feel like oh, I'm not allowed to think about, you know, you because you're my coach or something like that. You know, that's true. Very true. But yes my own my own dating life has being a sex coach affected your own dating. I do think on the one hand, I can be a little bit intimidating of I but I think also what people realize once that we start. I'm like, hey, I like this, and this feels good and I'm super positive and encouraging. So, I think in some ways, I might be easier to figure out because I'm very communicative and then used to be it took me a long time, actually, even of doing this work because it's hard to tell some buddy what you want while, you know, while you're having sex. It's about feedback, and I think a lot of people just haven't given that feedback were her that feedback, so we just end up doing the same things over and over again. Right. So I could see as a guy or whoever your day I could see them being intimidated, like am I gonna be like analyzed while in having sex? Does that ever come up totally and I mean in some ways they are being analysts? I can't totally shut them heart of myself off, you know, and at the same time, I'm not analyzing them to criticize them. I'm more just like you know what would be better for me? You know, self say like oh, actually really like to be bitten. Can you like and then I'll show like this is a place. You know, on my shoulder bitten, could you buy it a little harder, you know? And I'm teaching them how what turns me on the most as we're going along. And you say you do put it on your dating profile, what do you say exactly? Yeah. I just say this is for me. But this is my work, you know. So it can people can kind of like, have some idea of what they're coming into our Senate wise. What percentage of people use that assert pickup light? We're likely to start in when they talk to you. I think not very many know very many more, you know, I mean, sometimes they'll say interesting, we're, but that's usually no. They don't really say that. You have you ever been on a date with someone didn't like read it in your profile? How bitter. Oh, really? Okay. So I've always kind of shocked by that because it's a test to see if they read your profile. Just curious fronted center. Yeah. Thanks coach. Julie puts it on her, well, she's not sex coach cable podcast. All this is a new recent experiment. Her profile I've done in my own profile, and I was saying, wartimes not people would use that as like starting college conversation. People recently, not bring it up. So they're either not reading the profile. They don't know how to bring it up. One of the, the line, I always get is am I going to end up on your podcast? Yeah. So I'm sure why people have said, are you just trying to get clients? Right. Or are you doing this for research? Right. Research is a big. Yeah. I'm sure that sex has evolved over the years. There's new toys, there's new methods. There's new porn out there. How do you, she updated with all this new information from year to year of hillock? I keep updated largely like hearing my clients, talk about what turns them on because one of the key conversations that I always have it's try to get to the bottom of like what's really arousing to people and not just like what they wanna do in bed, but sort of, like, what they wanna feel and what the build up, they wanna have is in, and, you know, sort of a lot about the emotional content in addition to the central content of what they want. So then I get to hear all sorts of interesting stories.
00:20:05 - 00:25:20
What are some of the new things that have come up in recent years? I mean new like new site will one of the most surprising ones that I, I actually just read about this. Have you heard of bore? No. Yeah. So it's where people want to be devoured by a large monster v o r e I know. So how do you do that in bed? You know, I think it's a lot fantasy. Maybe. You might like put your hand in somebody's mouth. I mean, I guess you can get some of the feeling but the imagery of for is all just like people climbing into these huge like alien beings and legs, I don't know, sort of being devoured or drooled all over this came up with multiple clients. No, no. This was something that I'm more bread about I read about it. But actually, one of our practitioners did have someone who was into it. Got it. Yep. Every desire is out there. This is a good segue of, like, how is this open up to sex factuality, because it seems like you come from very liberal family, but then your stuff like this? Have you? Yeah. What are the points? In your practice where you kind of think to yourself. Wow. Okay, I'm actually more than eleven. I think let's take a quick break and get intimate for a sec. I just got my first Harper wild bra and I can't believe I'm saying this, but I've stopped wearing my sports bras. It's so comfortable that I forget, I even have it on. I up getting all three sides, the t shirt push up and strapless now. I'm covered every occasion, their bra straps adjust in the front and come with the racer bad cook to ensure proper fit and get this, they offer free at home Tryon's, try three different bras for week at no charge. It's time to start lifting up your leads with Harper wild go to Harper wild dot com slash dateable to get started today with a free at home. Try on and get a free bra wash bag, if you have a bra you need a wash back and now you can get one for free. That's Harper wild spelled W, I L, E dot com slash dateable DAT AB to try on three bras, at home for free and receive a free gift. Harper wild dot com. Slash dateable. Don't forget to add the wash bags your car to now back to the show. What are the points in your practice where you kind of think to yourself? Wow. Okay. I'm actually more than eleven. I think yeah. I feel like there have been people who've come in and had interesting fantasies, where I was a little bit surprised with it was, like, okay, I get it. Like I had this one client, he really again, another sort of devouring fantasy, but he would picture like being eaten by women and it was actually really fun to kind of role play it with, like he saw he liked to be like tied down. And then I would sort of tell him this story, like imagine we're standing around you and we have our forks. Is he was excited that some news just like fully accepting him around it? And I was like, whatever our content is in our psychology. It's just something that makes us like you can imagine why somebody would wanna feel devoured. It's like I won every single part of you, that's a desire actress. True. Right. So I think that article we found you in originally. There was like a few sex coaches therapists, listed in most of them were, bisexual. Is that just coincidence? Or do you feel like that's actually common because you're just more open? I think maybe people would be more interested in being sex coach, if they have more open attitudes toward sex, but I don't know. I'm not sure if there's more by sexual seconds. Your sexual so interesting because I think about heart of it is, I think people come to you knowing that you have the expertise in a field. That is also kind of linked people don't wanna talk about it. But on the other hand, there's like this underground sexual liberation that I also happening where people were just doing all kinds of sex things and not really knowing if they like it or not. So I guess how does someone go about, like maybe there's a worksheet of how to get to the bottom what you really like and that comes from, like, really checking what your boundaries are? So I think people often just bypass themselves, and they're not even listening to their body when their body says, no, I don't want this. You know. So I'm not just teaching people like have every different kind of sex, I want people to get really picky them specific and not do things that they don't want to do, and be really clear on their boundaries, AND DEFINITELY DO the things that they want to do the most and. Teach their partners how to give that to them and learn what their partners want from them. You know. So I think it's like two to dial down and really get to the bottom of it. Do you ever tell your clients to go to sex parties, replay parties? Yeah. I mean, for sure if they want to learn more, and some people are just interested in like opening their relationship or they wanna try swinging. They come to me because they don't know how to do that in a way where it's gonna feel safe and comfortable for them. So I helped negotiated and then sometimes even take a field trip, you know with a couple or an individual to a sex party. And we talk about it. Other a school bus. What if you're a couple who just enjoys the nila missionary sex all the time in it's just pleasurable for both people? Do you think this couple just they really know what they want or they just haven't explored enough to expand outside the horizon? I think if it ain't broken don't fix it.
00:25:20 - 00:30:02
Yeah. Okay. If everybody's happy with what's going on then great? You know, I always celebrate. Like, yes, you know what you want you you're doing it. So I guess have like have you pushed your own boundaries at all? Either found something new or something new. That didn't work nothing question. I think the biggest place where I have pushed my boundaries as about around dominating because I'm more generally submissive in bed, but I have had partners who wanted me to be more dominant in different ways. And that's been fun. You know, to explore that myself, it's also feels like a lot of responsibility because like oh, I'd rather just be like the one who's being told what to do. As opposed like, wow, I need to try to give this person the experience that they're hoping for from that dominant place, to, and what something that you've learned recently about yourself that you didn't know let's say two years ago, I think I didn't know I do like power play and I like both sides of it. Like, there are times when I do feel like I wanna be very powerful sexually, I'm more like to be powerless in experiences so learning that I really liked to be powerful to have this. I think the feeling that I like to have these days. It's like it's all mine like I can as much as I want. You know, those are like Queen of the universe. Are you current state? Do you asleep with men and women are just one at this point? I'm much more. Dating men right now recently had a threesome with a man in a woman, but a dating men were you by sexual before your practice or did that become open because of it. I came out as bisexual when I was nineteen. Okay. So, so way before way before when you do get into relationships are they monogamous relationship, or are you Polly open? I've had phases of monogamy but, but since I'm in my early twenties, I have had mostly open relationship of some kind, or another, whether you're rules and open relationship, it been so different like early on I was dating men. I was in long term relationships with men by still wanted to be with women, and so it was like I could see other people women. But maybe they couldn't see anyone else where we would only have three cents together, or, and then later on like in my marriage. We at first were only seeing other women than eventually, I started seeing other men also, and he started. Seeing some women by himself when at first, we were just doing it together. So my experiences that it shifts in its renegotiable, and that's how I want people to do relationship anyway. Instead of thinking, like you promised me this, and it's going to be like that forever. It's like, well, people change. So if you're not willing to roll with the punches of the changing of relationships, it's very hard to sustain long-term, relationship, not just around monogamy, and open. But, you know, just in general, like, don't think that the person who married at twenty five is going to be the person. You're hanging out with forty or the same sexual desire. Haji Jing hundred might not be as interesting anymore variety or. Yeah, we always hear this story where we hear about women losing their libido, as an agent, not having the desire as much, but it also happens to men. I don't think we discussed it as much because we just assume men want sex all the time, right? Especially after like a big life change like children. For example, Ryan a lot in those situations or when they age in the hormones deplete, I don't know. That's not the right term. But, you know, it is the right term, and I mean, I get a little bit tired of that story because actually what some research has shown is that women get a little bit bored. More easily than men which I think, is the opposite of what our cultural training says. And so a lot of times, I think women's Lido goes down because they're not really interested in having sex with their launch partner, but they start to say, well, it must be the estrogen. You know, they, they start to blame it on their hormones nothing that hormones. Don't go down in it certainly changes, how much we want to have sex, but I do feel. There's a lot going on there. Like they might just not be getting this exit. They want their more when their partner or the board with the kind of Eno. So I don't buy it. If people come into only hormones, you know, or of at and right after you have kids for sure, it's really hard to want to have sex exhausted. But, you know, once they're a little bit older if it's still the same story, then I start to wonder, you know what's going on here. And what about for men when they say, they're, they're losing the desire, whereas somethings that they can do. Yeah. I think I think it can be hormones going down. I think a lot of times again with our sm- monogamous assumption. What a lot of people do as they shut down their desire altogether, like they never even like check anyone else out, or they feel like okay, I only have to put my desire in this one direction. And so this sort of like the river of desire, that's, like flowing starts to get smaller and smaller and smaller becomes, as tiny little like trickle because they're not just like I'm a sexual being and I walk around in the world as a sexual being, they're like, oh, Sex's compartmentalized thing. And it only happens over here in an only happens with one person.
00:30:02 - 00:35:01
So repressing yet, I think it's like I just tried to help people like you can keep your grievance. You know, don't cheat if you've said, I'm not gonna be with other people, but, like, don't shut down this part of yourself in, like only heaven in these tiny little moments in your life unique. Some of it is like, because I know personally late if I've gained weight, for example, I'm less sexual feeling. We're like, when I know, like men, I've been with have been super stressed in that kind of changes things. Do you think like some of the has to do with those type of a wanna say internal external factors because they're about you, but they're not about your partner necessarily, right? Yes. I definitely think stress like makes it really hard to be turned on any need to, like take time and relax in order to get back in your body and wants ex and I do, like body image is a huge thing for women and really infuriating, as far as I'm concerned because women are so sexy at all different shapes inside the women are solar naked. We're not so self critical. Not even. Yeah. Yeah. But why because Seidel messages or costly were being bombarded? I do I do I will not look at a fashion magazine when I go into a store that has the my turn them around. Start. At least I've noticed times when I've felt it the man I'm with, don't notice it at all all in your own head. Like what do you mean look great? Like, why are we not having said? Us just so crazy the way we internalize sex, and how that gets expressed with our partners, met this girl the other day, and she's been with her boyfriend for eight years. They haven't had sex for over a year, and she told me to things that alarmed me, one is, it's all on me. I'm so busy and stressful time. I just don't feel like it and to it's okay 'cause he's not asking for it either. Yeah, up the disaster. That is. Isn't that the first thing that goes in relationship, if the sex goes than the relationship's going down, and, and the first part where she thinks it's all her is a problem because they're going to have to resolve that as a team, you know. And I don't think it's a good idea for her assume that her partner doesn't want it just because he's not asking, you know, an end. So I think you definitely like she would she should bring it up. And if he saying, I'm fine. I don't really I don't need text to be part of my relationship. I wanna live, celebrate for whatever there are some people like that. I think it's a very low number, but likely he's masturbating, which is fine. There's nothing wrong with that. But I think in the long term, you know, in unless you address it it's gonna probably become a problem in the relationship. How would you advise her to address the situation just to say, you know, I know we haven't had a bit. I mean, that means she has to open a can of worms but like to say I know we haven't had sex for a year. How are you feeling about that? But it's the elephant in the room, I with things. Right because he knows I'm going to. And it's not like a mystery. He's not like a what a year sometimes when you start to have the conversation about it, like things open up, right? It was like one of their issues are there that aren't necessarily related to sex that are causing that lack of intimacy. Yeah. So for anybody who thinks it's fine. We're not having sex just going through a phase you should address it right away. Right. Really good idea lifting gets a good segue to takeaways. So I think one that you definitely said is a lot of it. I think there is definitely the physical component but the emotional component to whether that's your own self things that you need to work through or with a partner when there might be some other reason that the intimacy is gone. Nothing that was super interesting. I think my other big takeaway is like just because like you think there might be a physical limitation? There's always ways to make things work and really, we say this, like a broken record. But it like all comes back to communication. And I think sometimes was sexier like, oh, that's the one place. I. Don't have to communicate its physical, the but that is not the case something. Not just communication, but a willingness to be creative. Not think sexist supposed to happen in this particular way at this particular time, spontaneously with these particular people, you know, we have all sorts of rules that are in our mind that aren't really true. Let's great, right? Like I'm supposed to be able to orgasm from intercourse. That is a ridiculous rule. That leaves many many, many women out of the Victor, and even some men, you know, we get men who like I my can't orgasm with my partners touch. Right. They're not orgasm from oral sex or not orgasm from intercourse. So what does that mean? They can't have great sex life. No. They can do really exciting fun things. And then they finish themselves off at the end. We're getting that. You're bad at sex because of those now. People probably will come in that something's wrong with them, always my biggest takeaway is a lot of how you experience sex starts with how you relate to yourself, and you have to have sex with yourself. I a talk to these, these girls about the other day. And they said, I didn't know I liked a certain thing until I tried an object in a certain way and I related so hard.
00:35:01 - 00:40:06
Because TMI right now, I didn't know certain stimulation actually stems from my experience with pillows when I was a kid thought, I, not hear my thank you for saying it, and I am totally open about it. I saw all my partners about it. My first were him. I remember I was like seven years, and I had a pillow between my legs, and I was squeezing, and I thought this was like the best than sation in the world. I told my mom about it, and she said, don't do it again. Your vaginas gonna explode. She told me. Still, I never want to do it again in front of her. But I did it behind closed doors until this day, I still know that's the best and sation interest, I can get an can get me to orgasm sting. I'm so glad you tell your partners because I fed women who Meltzer made a certain way in than they go their entire sexual life with partners never having an orgasm in their only having orgasm when they're by themselves with their pillows, author, vibrator. It's like bring your pillow bring your vibrator. Bring it all because, you know, and then your partner can be giving all sorts of simulation. It's not like they're useless at that moment. You know, having a pillow between your legs may not be the typical porn that you see. So I know I brought this up to partners where they're just so surprised they're like, wait schone. How does this work because they're so used to that image of woman with her fingers in between a Clinton leg, just you rubbing so hard? And she's screaming like, no, no, no. That's not how it looks when I'm masturbating. So it's good to bring it up to just show that they're all different. Facets. Turn you on. That's a really good. Takeaway to like it kind of ties into yours about getting creative is like what works for you guys as a couple, too? Yes, it's not what you see important. It's not maybe what works for messing Ryan. His wife, her wife or husband who made me elevated. Yeah. It's what works for you in than if you don't know, like how do you either work with a sex coach or go to sex parties or just explore with your partner, the other, takeaway? I have this was mind blowing when you set this to me, fantasy doesn't have to be monogamous. And I love that because I kind of encourage my partners to go to strip clubs or to go flirt, with women because I do think they get more rows in when they come home. They are more revved up to go, but I need some people may not find that picture for them because they feel like their partner only has is for them. But you're so right. When we stimulate so many other areas with different people different sceneries different situations. Then we're able to play out these fantasies even better in the bedroom. Yes. Awesome. Do you have any last takeaways before we do a rapid fire? Rather fire. So we're going to give you a scenario and you're going to give us a very quick line of advice. Okay for this scenario. Nervous. Okay. How do you keep the spark alive after being together for a while? You have to find out what deeply turns each other on not just hope that it's gonna like suddenly happen without talking about it. How do you get rid of the urge to wanna sleep with other people? When you've been with someone for a while. I don't think you give it of the urge, you let yourself feel the urge, you just don't act on it. Sorry I do not my answer. But or you discuss open relationships free. Find another way we were for sure. How do you tell a partner that you haven't STI, I think you just say, hey, let's have the STI. And I usually tell people, you know, like lend there be some connection meet the person unless they insist like having it before, you know, over chat or something like that. But me the person have a connection, and then say, hey, there's something that I need to let you know, before it goes, any further windy. No offense is disruptive to your relationship. So I think finishes can be totally incorporated into sex. There's nothing inherently wrong with having a fetish, in fact, I think I just hate the idea that there's that we sort of categorize, I think romances a fetish, you know, it's just one that's very socially acceptable. So I think it only is a problem in your relationship with your partner is disturbed vitamin someway like if you can't navigate a sex life that includes that Jay is squirting, genetic or something that can be learned. I learned Ular. Yes, you're living free. I'm living out book, we can buy on Amazon or something, because that's what my friend did there actually is. I'm trying to remember should by somebody Knicks Deborah. Sundall. S. U. N. D. A H L. She talks about how to learn, but basically you just gotta get a good hook on that g spot, and like Gook come hither come hither, you know, Chimaera Chimaera kind of pull towards the back of the pelvic wall. And then when you take your fingers out, you say push out, you push out like you're trying to then you go back in stimulates simulates, stimulate than pull the fingers out and push out in seconds. Back in simulate simulates, and then eventually, usually it happens if you feel like you're gonna p you're not actually going to be you're gonna Jack late, so at that moment, you need to let it go.
00:40:06 - 00:43:35
Where'd you telling orgasm? Yeah. Feel like visit Oregon's. Yeah. If you need to if you feel you need to be on your orgasm, you are women on the verge of squirting plant to so naturally, for some women now, some of them, and it's just totally part of their orgasmic, like the way their body. Orgasms wet Lee. Some, some others of us have to learn last question, if you're virgin, your thirties forties, would he do? I love working with virgins in their thirties, or forties. I had this one client where taught him everything about seduction kind of build up, and he had sex with a woman for the first time in his early forties. And she was like, how many women have you done this with your an animal? She was like choosing having some kind of flare. On him. Low crowd of by the female. Yeah. I think a female virgin. I mean, if you wanna lose your virginity as a woman, it's not that hard. So I think there's probably emotional reasons or like something holding her back, fear or trauma. So doing some work to kind of help her feel safe enough and like find someone who she feels comfortable enough with to do. It is important hice on fire success. Any other alas takeaways thoughts. I mean, I think we covered and all that rally fire was just getting all those last minute questions out by this Mimi soft. Greger that's your. The book on Amazon. We're all saying three of them. So, you know. I mean, this is the thing about sex is that you always learn something new from just talking about it with others. So it's like continuing education. I want talk about it either. I think there's definitely a subset of people in, then there is a larger discussion that just makes it more comfortable about sack talking about sack. Let Celeste if people want to reach out to you. How can they do that a mic and find us on Celestin, Danielle dot com? Or if you want to become a coach, so Matica dot com as a TI, CA, Abby, Lous, aren't everyone. I hope y'all get some tonight, either from yourself, where with a partner were multiple partners serve it. You know, it's a great stress reliever, and we're going to keep this conversation about sex. We'll have more topics related to it. If you like to be a guest on our show, please reach out to us, dateable, podcast dot com. Okay. We're going to wrap this up. Stay little your action item for this week is to make sexual wellness a priority in your life. If you're spending time focusing on mental wellness physical wellness. We should please keep cool importance on sexual. Illness, and that doesn't necessarily mean Howdy, lots of sex. It means learning more about your body other people's bodies and just educating yourself on the topic of pleasure. Want to continue the conversation. I tag us in any post with cash tax, stay dateable, then head on over to our website, dateable podcasts dot com. There you'll find all the episodes as well as articles videos, and our coaching services with vetted industry experts, you can also find our premium y series where we dissect analyze and offer solutions to some of the most common dating conundrums to connect with us. Find dateable podcast on Facebook, Instagram and Twitter. We're also downloadable on Spotify. I teams and other podcast platforms your feedback is valuable to us. So don't forget to leave us a review on I tune. And most importantly, remember to stay dateable.