S8E19: Quest For Love with Ryan Van Duzer

Dateable Podcast
June 25, 2019
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June 25, 2019

S8E19: Quest For Love with Ryan Van Duzer

We discuss getting through the deepest of heartbreak, how to really show up for relationships, and why love is still the most magical thing despite it all.

Quest For Love with Ryan Van Duzer

Ryan Van Duzer tells us about how he fell head over heels in love, only for it to end almost as quickly as it started. We discuss getting through the deepest of heartbreak, how to really show up for relationships, and why love is still the most magical thing despite it all.

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Episode Transcript

Season 8 Episode 19: Quest For Love

00:00:00 - 00:05:00

The Dateable podcast is an insider's look into modern dating that the Huffington post calls one of the top ten podcast about love and sex. On each episode, we'll talk to real daters about. From sex parties to sex droughts, date fails a diaper fetishes and first moves to first loves. I'm your host Yue Xu, former dating coach turned dating sociologists. You also hear from my co host and producer Julie Krafchick as we explored this crazy dateable world. Everyone welcome to another episode of dateable a show all about modern dating. I'm so excited to have a friend as a guest on this episode someone I've known for really long time a long, long time. Just like you said, we met in Beijing China during the Olympics that was in two thousand and eight it is two thousand nineteen do the math. I've known you for that, long Ryan on the line. He is forty years old. You live. Beeson but you still look twenty so it does. Golden. He's lived in boulder. All his life is currently in a monogamous relationship. Now just a little background. When I first met doozer so we met, I calm deserves names riot. When Brian and I remember my first impression of him was. I thought he was like this party guy, really outgoing like I nicknamed him the mayor of boulder. Hey, everyone. He's very social guy. Very flirty. Took a few years for me to realize that Ryan is actually a hopeless romantic. Is he do? So I've seen his journey in this quest for love me, man. I think we should I start with Ryan. How would you define love? I define love as something beautiful, first of all, like love is something we all aspire to, whether it's with a person or if it's with, you know, like a beautiful place like I love Mexico or sunset. So loved to me. Is when you share something so magical with somebody that just can't get any better. So you're just you just want to be with them. Ear member? Your I love your for sure. I remember the first time I fell in love. I was eighteen years old. I was an exchange student in Sweden. I fell in love with a classmate in Sweden was young. It was the first time and I threw my whole heart and soul at her because that's what I do with everything in life. And it was a it was pretty cute sense. This I live, tell us about some of the other memorable journeys in your quest. Oh man. So many many, many times have you fallen in love? I would say, like full on love not that many times, okay? After Swedish girl, I had a college girlfriend that I was very close with I would say that was love. And then after college, I probably had two more that I was way into my twenties and thirties. In right now, for sure. Deep in love in my late thirties early, or these Jay. Wait, mardi. What was that, like five? Yeah. Yeah. Sure. You're very lucky to have had that many love. It was really three two to three great while. There is unable at this time in my life to look back and feel very fortunate in grape will at the time when you break up with somebody and you go through Harper ache is the worst thing in the world. And you don't think you're ever going to meet anybody ever getting that was as good as your girlfriend and you just think it's all over but I have some perspective on that now. So why don't we just go straight in that love that I know about Ryan the violinist will call rockstar love? Start. We had both submitted audition videos to be a host of a TV show the show was called paradise hunter. And we were going to travel the world and search out paradise and people from all over the world submitted. These addition, videos, and little by little, it got whittled down in there was a top ten and I went through the top ten to check out my competition, and I saw this girl's video and not only was she just physically beautiful, but she had an amazing smile was just so sweet in genuine whereas a lot of the other edition videos were just people just trying to show off really. But this girl was just so real. And I messaged her and I said, hey, good luck in the competition. I think your videos the best and I hope you do well and on the other end she got my, my message and set all my gosh. Good luck to you, too. And she'd actually saw my video and thought it was cute. So that's how we started talking back and forth and back and forth three with chat. And I saw that she was very charming and funny. And then I was like I need to see. I need to meet you in real life. So she actually flew out to boulder, and we had a wonderful weekend together. And that's how we initially fell in love where was she living at the time. She was in Boston where I'm I'm from.

00:05:00 - 00:10:00

from. Was it about any guys met virtually so might as well just spend a dating app? So what was it about these conversations that may do want to invite her to boulder? She was just really funny. She was one of the funniest girls, I had encountered in my life that really does made me laugh out loud. We learn about each other really quick, we got into it, you know, L earned about her her history, she'd gone through breast cancer, in the now, she's like a professional violinist super smart. You know, like I said, just beautiful, she just charmed me real quick, and I said, hey, I wanna meet you like this. Let's just end this virtual stuff and get on a plane and come to boulder. So we guys tacking on tax to retire on the phone hub your shot at Facebook. And then we might have done some Skype calls. I think at, and then it was pretty quick, because while this is happening while we're talking the competition for this TV show thing is still going on and in the middle of it, I actually was awarded as the host of this TV show and she was really cool about it. She wasn't. Bummed out. She was like you deserve it. You got this. And so, you know, there was no jealousy, which was cool. Yeah. Right after I was named the host of the show. She came to boulder. It was it was April. It was beautiful springtime in, I don't have a car. So I picked her up at the airport in the bus, the plus back home, and we rode bikes all around boulder. It was great. And you fell in love in the in that time in that weekend. Or like yeah. Yes. That would hear about this. I would love to learn more about how you can fall that fast. I, I don't know. It's you know, one of the first time in my life were did happen that fast. And at this point, I was like thirty two years old. She was thirty five so we weren't like young and dumb. We'd both been through relationships. We knew how how it all works. And it just felt good like when you meet somebody, and everything feels, great it just. That's how it was like she met my mom right away. You know, she met a lot of my family. A lot of my close friends and. We would go on walks. You know, we went out partying, and go on walks at nighttime, and it just felt like I'd known her for really long time. People will say, like is it lust at that point? But then others at half fallen in love that quick will be like, no, you haven't experienced it right in hindsight. Would you say that was luster love? There's definitely some lust involved because she was like drop dead. Gorgeous for sure. I was like, oh my God. This girl is amazing. But it quickly like when she left, she was only here three nights, and she left she wrote me a really sweet note on airplane, going back to Boston. And I got it when she landed is this really grabbed my heart in the mmediately, we started just, you know, talking a turbo mode at this point, you know, you're doing long distance and then we're doing long distance. I went to Boston a couple of times she came out here a couple of times, and then now it's early summer, she came and lived here for the entire summer in boulder, which was the first time I've ever really liked lived with a girl. What was the end goal of this? We're you thinking, like I want to build a life with this girl, and let's see what happens to summer. I really thought when I met her that she was the one I thought or sure there's nobody else on this planet that is as good as her. And I thought she was the one so, yeah, I really I was all in my mama's, all in everybody was all in there like Ryan has found the one the stars have aligned he had announced it to the world. I remember just from a friend's perspective. I was like he's borger lineup szeswith. This fell. Sal, you felt like you met the one from day, one, basically I pretty much, and she would probably say the same thing while, you know, if you called her right now, she would tell you the same thing. So this summer goes by guessing the summer went very well. Yeah. And then what the summer went by, and then she got hired to go on tour with her band, and she was going to be gone for three months. And this is where things kinda got sticky in. I will blame a lot of this on me. I got really I don't know funky. I don't know what the word is. But the TV show that I had gotten wasn't turning out to be what it was supposed to be in work was really tough. And I was just frustrated in, I wasn't the best boyfriend at this time I would I kinda pulled away. You know mentally physically, I was not nearly as affectionate. I would blame a lot of the downfall of our relationship on my behavior toward the end of this summer into the fall. How long have you been dating at this point not that long? So some APR. Role to about September but she did live with me for a couple of those three of those months. So it was it was pretty intense. And like, once you hit like about six months, then she went on tour and I felt like I lost her. I thought I made the biggest mistake of my life. I would into like the biggest depression, I've ever gone to never gone to therapy and everything like that I went to a therapist. I mean I really it hit me Har. You guys broke up when she laughed. Yeah. We broke up.

00:10:00 - 00:15:00

Yeah. And I was destroyed. And then I dedicated the next three or four months to try to get her back. So why did you break up with her just because she was leaving new can handle it with your own style for what was the yeah. It was a little bit of all that. I mean I can't pinpoint one thing, but by my behavior wasn't amazing. It's not like I wasn't cheating on her leg. You know, the that kind of stuff. But I just really pulled away emotionally and essentially drove the relationship into the ground necessary to give a little background arrive. Ryan. A TV personality. Also just all around bad ass adventure. You basically love adrenaline on that. So your life is full of highs and full lows and being in this industry of injure tamen in speaking for myself as well. When you experience a highs, you are as such a good place to fall in love beyond, you want to share those highs with someone. And then when you experience lows in your career, you just Salkin you become very isolated from the world, and it's hard to incorporate someone else in your life. So I can like totally empathize with you on kind of, like what you were going through. But well fed you nailed it. We gotta experience. I bet I haven't in entertainment needs a therapist because you wrote live manage your emotions because as such rollercoaster, especially for something like what you do because Ryan does a lot of travel shows, some you're always out on adventures. But when the adventures are over you're like now what I do with my downtime. So weighing after you guys broke up and you spent some months chasing her I was part of this. Change statement look leg trying to win her back. I felt so bad. I never seen Ryan so upset because he's always like this hero. He is like the bows, positive person in everybody wants Ryan around, because he's like that happy-go-lucky guy. I remember he was in such a low that he wasn't the sunshiny Ryan here, always before I reached out to her. I think Bain God to just say, like, is there any chance that we could talk about this by government? Could we work this out? But you really heard her. I remember she was extremely hurt. Let's at us going to ask, like, was it? You the end it was her that ended up because your behavior like outed, things actually end. I rarely you know destroyed my trust with her. And I guess it ended in a moment of passion where I was like, don't ever call me again. Don't ever come back to boulder. Like that. Was the moment in right? When I hung up the phone, I was like, I made the biggest mistake of my life. What on earth, am I doing? Doing on. So that's essentially how how it ended. And there was really no reason for it. Other than I was this at a really low point in my career, my life, and I was having a pity party and instead of like reaching out to her for support in love. I just pushed her away, unfortunately, and, you know, since I made such a fool of myself, I really I wanted her back. I was like, oh my God. She's the one I made a mistake. I see it now. And that's how it went down. So what did you do to try to get her back to home in every thing? I've ever that several. Friends like you to contact her. I did that on my own accord by a lot of not a lot, but other friends did the same. Yes, I was so destroyed. Yeah. Yeah. I after we broke up, I was in a totally bad, and I decided to ride my bike across the United States of America. I thought it'd be a great way to just sit and think, and just be out in nature and be with myself and figure out like how to get her back, but also like where I wanna go in my life. And how can I make myself show up better if I do get her back? So I decided to ride my bike across the country, and it randomly lined up with one of her shows in New Mexico, Las Cruces, New Mexico. I surprised her she had no idea, I would be there. Action. She was excited to see me. It'd been months by, at this point. And we weren't like on bad terms. She wasn't like don't ever talk to me again, but it was like she was definitely very wary of all my advances to try to win her MAC. So I saw her at the show. It was kind of a grand gesture of love and I gave her a hug backstage, and then she had to get on the tour bus and keep moving. So it wasn't very long. And I continued my voyage across the United States and we kept in touch, and chatted all the way up until December. And then she had a show in Denver. When I got back from my bike ride, she came and spent Christmas with me. We're still not together at this point. But we always had this crazy attraction, physical everything when we saw each other. It was hard to keep apart. And so we definitely hooked up in December. But that wasn't what brought us back together. It wasn't for a few months later into the next spring that we actually got back together again.

00:15:01 - 00:20:03

You guys stick it back together again. Yeah. We did. So then we traveled the world. World, the world, we traveled through Europe for two months. It was another one of these like online contests. It was a company called via Tor and they we traveled Europe, filming a bunch of different tours that this company offers so we went to seventeen different cities, and it was this crazy whirlwind trip. And for those two months, we were a couple for sure. So then after this two months will happen. That you laugh I went to Peru to hike with my mom and on the last day of the trip she sent me essentially a dear John Email saying that we should not be together any more. And so that was hard to shake coming, not really know it blindsided me and what was the reasoning shoot. I mean I just don't think she ever fully gained her trust back with me, and, and she also wanted different things in life at a quicker speed. You know, at this point, she was thirty eight years old. And she wanted kids ASAP. I wasn't quite on board that quickly at eight. So there were, there were factors involved in, you know, if you called her, I'm sure she would have a laundry list of things. Why She. she may. But from my point of view. That's kind of what it was. Do you guys still talk today? Yes, we have we do. Yeah. The same time heard so much about her. It's crazy. So after that happened, I was crushed again. I was so bummed out and I could not talk to her for an entire year. And I did not talk to her for a whole year after that. And then she shows up in boulder year later, I get a text from her. Number two, says, hey Ryan, I'm in town with my family were at some like hippie retreat or something. Because it's boulder, we have lots of those, and I mean immediately, my heart started pounding. I'm like, oh my gosh, is in town. All do I wanna see her do I do. I not want to see her, this is crazy. And we hung out and we hooked up. I know. And every time we would do this, I'd see her, it would just like give me hope that, oh, there's possibilities. There's a she's giving me a little bit of a carrot hair. She wants me in her life, and I would just fall for over and over and over. But we were never ever together again after that plane, if you saw this girl was the one you were convinced your family was convinced. Why are you not able to give her? What she wanted best, the million dollar question. Yeah. That's, that's a very good question. Because when we were broken up. I really wanted to change and be the man that she needed. I just don't think that we were on the same page in a lot of ways. And it was a lot of it was so much passion. And I had this idea in my mind like we'll go back to when we first met this is the one she's the best. This is the girl and I kept holding onto those feelings and kind of ignoring reality. The other red flags that were in the way I because I was just stuck on. Her being the one I honestly by Dodig is, I feel like I been here before, as well and it's super interesting of like these, like, really intense passionate. Like you said overall says, like what eight months? Yeah, not that long the scholar, but the, the intensity inland, the instant feeling like is like it's so interesting like how much like that can spiral. And then also the fact that you do that she was the one, but still it prevented you from being with her. Like you, you wanted her in your life as the one you love idea of her S one, but you didn't see a reality with harass one given what she wanted. Do you think that's though, do you think it's an idea versus reality? What would you think? Ryan hindsight, Yang hindsight. Yeah. It was it was the idea of this woman. I would always, you know, humans are very good at forgetting all the negative things red flags I own. I put on a pedestal. And she was the best of the best in every. Away. And that's what I was holding onto. And, you know, I never really showed up in that relationship the way I should have, you know, there was a lot that she needed for me that I wasn't giving her and I may have told everybody that I want to be with her, but I certainly didn't always act like it and follow through with it. And you know, that's why she couldn't ever trust me. So you never got back together after that. But you're still in contact what's her situation now? No, we never got back together in you know, we would see each other every now and then I'd show up in New York or whatever, and we'd have a great weekend, hookup and have fun. And it was it was horrible. It was like this, it was very hard for me to ever date. Anybody else we always had this girl in the back of my mind lets her status now she like married, or she is not married. She does not have a boyfriend. She really wanted to have a family and children.

00:20:03 - 00:25:02

And she was not able to do that, through the Vance's of science and technology that women would do in their late thirties. Stuff, which is heartbreaking. I know that's really what she wanted, but that did not work out for her and she still happy. We still talk. We're still very close. We've both kind of come to terms with the fact that we were in each other's lives for a reason we both learned a lot from each other, and we both still we'd love and adore each other. But we are. We're just not meant to be husband and wife in life partners. Well, if the kids are off the tee ball, and what is the obstacle, then I think, you know, that's off the table. But it's also we kind of like I said, we both realized that we're not meant for each other in that way, you know, we, we gave it a good shot. And you know, in at least me now I can say that it's a good thing that we did not end up together. Talk about that, after this relationship ended you were still heartbroken. Why can't you going? What made you still believe in love? It took me a while. I'll be took me a little while. But time heals everything. And I like you said, you know, I'm like a very. Very positive kinda guy, I'm always trying to get the most out of life. And I didn't wanna just dwell on this one girl, the big loss I had and think that I missed my one chance on love because truth is, there's so many amazing people on this planet, and I started meeting more people in more women. It'd be like, okay, wow. There's actually other women that make me laugh at our beautiful, and I can hang with that great. So I opened myself back up to love, and I kinda got it. Where's my heart on my sleeve? And when I meet somebody that I really like, like I really go for how long did that take though it took years after after this woman, I can only years. Let's see. Probably till about this past year. Really so two thousand eighteen when I met a new woman, Phil. I think that's an interesting thing because I actually resonated, solid, this analogy is, I think there's two different types of people. There is the people that experience these extreme highs and lows that are more of like lemme wear might dealings on my sleeve might really pour it out. More emotional beings in there is more people at reward even keeled in rational. How do you think like that impacts your relationships? So I feel like a rational person would not fall in love after three days, they would not be hung up on someone. They only met for like six months. There's two different school of thoughts of matching relationships like how do you think that's helped and hurt? You along, why I always tell people I have one speed in life and its term turbo speed in that our athletic endeavors in career pursuits and women like when I go for something when I really feel. Well, it I go for all the way and it's dangerous. It's a double edged sword. You can get totally burned by it. But that's the way I live and I love it. And because of that way that I've lived, I've had a lot of success in, I've accomplished, some amazing things in why I wouldn't have it any other way. So yes, it is dangerous in a way to live by this, especially with relationships because you can get burned over and over. But the rewards are worth it. Yeah. I think that's the flip side is like is just being complacent in neutral. Is that actually like living, either like having the highs and lows? At least he experienced the highs. But the question for both of you crazy people because I'm on the rational. Camera. Who do you think is compatible for you? Is this someone equally as Chanet and driven and crazy or someone who's a little bit more rational? Well, that's what I'm curious what she was like the girl that you told us about pretty passionate as I think my passes experience that reminds me of yours was also someone that was very passionate. So I think sometimes too passionate people can be like all in immediately. Then it blows up really fast too. Yeah. What kind of person is best for me? I don't know. I've had a super passionate ones where we're both on the same page immediately. We are like a rocket ship of love in the of had people that are kinda like whoa. This dude is a lot in the kind of hold back, and they're, they don't really show me their heart and soul right off the bat. Like some other people do, which is fine. You know, I've learned to communicate with all types of people. And I realized that I am this way. And that is a lot for. Some people to handle. So I actually read somewhere. I'm blanking on what type of study this was, but it's actually people that are very passionate. Someone more analytical is a better life partner. So like having two people that are highly passionate is navy soulmate experience. Like you kind of brought up Ryan of like someone that you can learn from insulin that really made that shit like earth shaking moment in your life in changing the way you think about people, but it might not be the person, you end up for the long haul.

00:25:02 - 00:30:03

So maybe it's not that one's better than the other, but they serve different purposes. Well, that's a good point. Ryan were you looking for. Are you looking for a series of passionate relationships or a more long-term relationship on will tell you that I've never had a relationship much over one year? So I think that's common for people that are there. Trajectory, we had a poll on her Instagram. We talked about this ingredient episodes. We asked people would you prefer a series of very passionate meaningful relationships, that don't last very long or a very long drawn out complacent relationship, and it was split fifty fifty. Really? Yeah. So what, what do you think is your ultimate goal? What are you ultimately, looking for while I would love to have your a long lasting relationship where you really get to know somebody in learn from somebody in build a life together. I mean, all these one year relationships are great and I'm learning a lot, but they're, they're not sustainable. I can't continue the rest of my life, just, you know, having these little one year relationships, every three to five years, I guess you could. I mean they have to I sure I could be like George Clooney till I'm fifty. Rolled? He was when he got married. Always he really. Oh, isn't it? The rumor. Now let's talk about your current girlfriend, then how did you guys meet this is another really cool story. Of course, we both had films in film festival last February. We went to a party afterwards with all the filmmakers, and I was sitting at a table. And I was telling everybody at the table that I was leaving the next morning to go to the far off, copper canyons of Mexico to run an ultra marathon with this. Like lost Indian tribe. Course. And she is sitting across from me, and I don't really know her, I've met her like once or twice before she lives in boulder. She's sitting across from me, she's a little bit buzzed up and draw. But she's like I want to go with you, and I was like, I've leaving tomorrow you can't, like impulsive per se. Long story very short. She did end up coming with me, the next day to Mexico and at this point, I was not romantically interested in this girl, she was just gonna come along for the ride. There were ten other runners heading down there, and I was like cool. You can come year's going to be part of the gang, and that's got some fun and Mexico. And we got to know each other on this trip, it's a beautiful location. It's romantic it was a full moon. And we slowly got to know each other we went on these long runs through the canyons and jumping, and waterfalls and stuff, and I really I felt for her because of her style. She spontaneous in fun and athletic and beautiful and smart and all those things that you fall in love with. And so that is how I met her deep in the copper canyons of Mexico. This story is a little bit different than the previous stories where the initial passion wasn't there from the get gutter, but developed over time that this has more. For more of a probability for longevity because it's developed over shit. We just had our one year anniversary. This weekend's on old. Old record they go. So yeah celebrated our one year. I will be very honest that the last couple of months have been difficult, and there have been times or I'm like, I don't know this is going to continue much longer. But I'm trying harder this time. This girl is amazing. There's a lot about her that I really love she's incredible in so many ways. And I think in the past I would get to this point about a year in and I would just bail. I'm like, oh, you're great. You're beautiful. But my life is awesome. And I don't need you. So know goodbye. And good luck today is going to ask you that I wanted to tear this conversation because I feel like we hear this a lot like guy needs a mazing girl, the who fall head over heels for, but whatever reason they ended from a woman's perspective. It's like if you've been spending, all I'm trying to find this person. Why on earth? Would you ever let them go? Let's take a quick break. So I could introduce you to Lola Lola is a female founded company, offering a line of organic cotton EPA free. Tampons. Pads and liners. The also offer sex products to unlike other major brands, Lola's, women, focus, x products, are formulated deliver the sensation and reliability deserve without unnecessary irritating additives, seriously. Have you looked at regular condoms are made out of not stuff you on your body. Lola's condoms are made out of natural rubber latex individually tested for contraception and STI protection. Plus they feel pretty darn good. And as a nice companion to the condoms, the Lola personal lubricant peaches, a mess. Brief plunk click pump system but the water base formula made with Alvarado and completely Hypo allergenic, I'm a huge fan Lola because you get everything you need delivered to your door.

00:30:03 - 00:35:07

Hassle-free for dateable listeners only you get forty percent off all subscriptions to visit my Lola dot com in inter the code dateable when you subscribe. That's M Y, L, O, L, A dot com and enter the code DAT. AB L E now back to the show from a woman's perspective. It's like if you've been. Sending all I'm trying to find this person why on earth. Would you ever? Let them go. Yeah. What are your thoughts? Yeah. I mean. Thinking about this for five years. Therapy. Yes. Dollar tree this hour. You know, these are the things that I've really been wrestling with for the past few months, where I'm like, oh, you know, when I started feeling, oh, maybe this girl's, not the one you know, it's like Ryan, you know, don't just try harder because trying harder doesn't create love, but it does, you know, when you actually put yourself out there. Like, when I say, try harder. I mean, like really open yourself up on an emotional level, and get down deeper than you've ever gotten before. And that's what I've been trying to do. And we actually just agreed to go to couples therapy, something I've never done. We're going to go to I haven't gone yet. But and you mentioned two hundred fifty dollars I had no idea. So do you think it's then just where the guy is emotionally in his emotional development? It's not necessarily a woman in it's not necessarily his feelings that he just can't handle his feelings are would say a lot of ways. Yeah, I can't speak for all men. But for me. Yeah. It's I have a lot of walls that I've put up, I'm trying to find a way to compassionately break through these walls, not only for myself, but for my partner in maybe I won't end up marrying this girl. But at least I'm you know, really giving her my, my whole heart and soul in everything because we built a lot, we've done some amazing things, and it would feel like I would be just quitting. If I just turned around and said, hey, pizza have a good one. You know, it's been real and hit off on my own your padding Ryan, putting on therapist hat is that you have a pattern of ending relationships at the credit. So you have this very tumultuous and passionate relationship in. It's interesting in everybody wants to learn about a you've actually made videos about these women in your level. And as soon as it gets real UB out. So I think with this new woman, you've learned that when the credits are rolling. This is where where the real stuff happened, when the real work happens. So what are some steps you're taking to make this work other than couples therapy? I'm really trying to be more open with my with my wants in my needs in the past with girls. They locate. What's wrong? Wrong. What are you need? Why are you pulling away? Bic on fine. I'm fine. And just kind of shut down in every way. Now, I'm I'm trying to open up in confronted in it's hard. It's hard work to really dig deep in figure out why I'm acting this way. And she's, she's really good. She's incredibly smart in open. And so she's challenged me in. As that I've never been challenged, and I'm allowing now, you know, not always, but I'm allowing now myself to really just open up in ways that I never have before and one silly little thing we did recently last week. We did those New York Times like thirty six. I'd never done anything like that before. And it was a lot of fun. And some of the questions are just softballs, but some of them are, you know, they get down to it, and it was a really good, connecting point for us says going to ask like, what has she done like it went in moments that you've pulled back, what are some ways that she's handled that she doesn't really let me pull back like other girlfriends have he really kind of calls me on it, which is good. And she, she's a great communicator. So I think I feel comfortable when she brings things up and, you know, we've had rebutted heads a ton over the past few months, and that's kind of the, the no fun part of the relationship that makes me want to tuck tail and run. But she's on up a lot of these options. She's like, hey, I want to build a life with you. I really believe in this, and these are five things that we can do. She brought up the relationship therapy. She brought up the, the thirty six questions like she doesn't want. Give up. She wants to go for this. And so for me, I'm like, okay, she, she's in it, you know, not that I was like testing her. But I, I know g is in it to win it for sure. How is she able to learn these tools, does, she have a similar relationship background experience? She had a one very long relationship, and I think she learned a lot from that, and she's just she comes from a world of her.

00:35:07 - 00:40:01

Family, her friends of people that really are good at communicating. She's been to a lot of therapy on her on her own, and I think she's she's just very wise and also she's been through a lot in life. I mean she's been through the ringer, and I think people who have been beaten down really have a lot more patients in. They know themselves better in some ways. And you know, she just comes with a lot of tools. I feel like Ryan is like a extreme representation of who we all are which. As we have this external persona that we live up to. And then we have the internal real sell guests and for you, why I say it's extreme is because you have legitimately like in a persona. You not the he, he have a first nalty that people think you're just think this strong. Adventurous, happy, go lucky guy. Nothing can ever phase you, you got it all figured out. But deep down. You're just trying to figure this shit out. Like everyone Alamos Rhode Island. She's able to break down those walls and at this one year Mark this is where the real Ryan is coming out. This is your true colors are coming out in not that on air persona. Totally different Ryan yadda. I'm enjoying it. Now I'm really enjoying the process of getting to know myself better challenge myself in really icy. The rewards end you know they just like any relationship, it's not always amazing. Not always on top of the world. You're not always extremely sexually attracted to the other person renew really. Put in the time you go up and down these roller coasters. It just brings you together in a way that I've never experienced. Yeah. I think it's like goes back to that personality of the highs and lows like honeymoon period, everything. So great Yasser that when things start to turn there isn't instinct, disliked be like question like is this, the right relationship in not? And we had a guest at Dr Alexandra Sullivan, who teaches, like marriage, on course north western, and she basically said like every relationship has conflicts in. It's like how you deal with it that they are. But if you think that you can find a relationship out conflicts like you're delusional has. That's the problem with today's people just think that there's a better option. Students conflict comes up in, you know, just really quickly. Like I have done a lot of very difficult physical adventures. And I put my body and mind through the pain cave like you wouldn't believe and I don't let myself quit in those situations when I'm at mile eighty of a one hundred mile. Well race. So there are times in my life, right? Where I have really fought for what I want to to get to the finish line. In this case, the finish line really is to, to work on this end to, you know, be my best self that can be with this woman right now to to work through the hard times. So what was that turning point? What made you say this relationship is different. I'm going to push through, when I usually peace out my fortieth birthday. Ernie. I only say men just change Wednesday through turn forty out having him it really is. I don't know if there's one specific moment, but it definitely happened in the very recent timeframe. I was like, no last couple of weeks where we weren't talking much we weren't spending much time. Together, we adjust traveled internationally. We were just kind of, you know, both on our sides of the of the ring. In the last ten days we've talked a lot, and that's made all the difference in the world. We've communicated in, we've talked about these issues than I've been very honest with her about how I do usually act. How my pattern usually drives me away from people and I just run off that has been the key in a last with the recent pass. Why is finding love important to you? Because love is awesome light. We all know this like love feels so great. There's no better feeling in the world and being in love. You look back to your best memories on this planet in its holding somebody's hand or watching a sunset or just like cuddling in bed in those moments are just so rich and beautiful. And you, you just you want that it's, it's like a drug in some ways, and show-me rush. General end up in those are like the exciting moments of love, but love isn't always like that love is sometimes ugly and boring in, you know, just it just being with somebody, which is also a very soothing and comforting feeling knowing that you're just with somebody who's who's with you by her side. They are your teammate, and you are moving forward together. And those aren't the exact feelings, you depicted in that video you made about here in current girlfriend. Can we share that video? Yes. We're gonna share that video. It's, it's a very moving piece. But also at the same. Time into shows such a different side of you.

00:40:01 - 00:45:00

Yes, dear side, Brian has been such a great conversation that kinda like wrap it up with some takeaways. Yes, I have these takeaways, I thought I would have some different takeaways, but wanna takeaways is Ryan inducers grown up now. I wouldn't say grownup. I'm grow ING owing your ended up, tomorrow, says of grow up when I learned about your journey, and also kind of like my quest for love is I think we talk about love in such a positive light all the time that it gives us, a very skewed view of what being in love should be like, and I would say the heart aches and the challenges of being in love are equally as important as the warm fuzzies that you feel in love. And sometimes they may be outweigh the positives of love because that's when you really grow and push yourself to grow and love is a is not a one person ride. It's a two people together who are in this ride together. So when you're on this roller coaster of love to people push that roller coaster forward in doesn't just happen. With one person pushing, so I think what I'm hearing from you Ryan as you've really opened up yourself to say on ready to be pushed in this. This is one challenge. I haven't taken on yet, but I'm ready to be pushed to explore love even deeper and S L likely said about like learning from the heartbreak, too, because it's like the roller coaster of the up and down. I think when you're in the heartbreak, you're like, wow, this is so shitty like why did I even do this? But I think at the end of the day, what Ryan you were saying of like why love is the greatest thing is like pros in the highs in it just like make up for so much of those lows in the lowest really to show you that you did feel you truly felt for someone if you were experiencing that, and I think if you are again, like some of this comes down to like your personality type not saying, if you're consistent in more constant you don't feel anything, but like if you are that person that has those highs and lows like you know, that you did kinda give your all to your feeling. Yeah, we're just trying our best here. I'll just trying to make shit work and sometimes it doesn't work. But when we talk about fighting for your relationship, sometimes we think about like fighting against your partner in a way like you're fighting for them to break down their walls. But I think fighting really needs to people together. Breaking these walls down as one entity and one of those challenges is as a couple of weeks. That's where the real work began of the real work is in the beginning, remembering their birthdays, end treating them. Well, you know, the real work begins when you start breaking down those walls in have to face all those vulnerabilities that you don't normally face on a daily basis in this shit is exhausting. It's probably harder than any marathon, you've done Ryan, or any of hard physical activities, you've ever done because this is like you motion will work. Yeah. I think at the end of the day to like everyone is. On their own journey like we've said, so many times. But, like, I think I myself have felt like someone gave up rightly winnings of ended in hasn't pursued like oh, they didn't care enough in. That's why they ended things. They gave up on us in, I think what I've learned from Ryan here, too, is like that may not be the case like it sounded like you very much cared about that, first girlfriend, you mentioned in this, but you just weren't there in like that really had nothing to do with her. It was when you guys met it was how you guys interacted in. Like you didn't give up. Because like you were fighting it was just a different type of fight. Yeah. I love what you said about the, the one who the first one not the second, you know, we sometimes half his idea of the one that's very much independent, like you, meet someone in, you say, I'll I really think this person is the one. I see this person fitting into my life as the one they become a character in this film that. You've written, but the one really is someone who is in it with you, who you want to be in this wit as well is not independent of who you are. So when we talk about all I feel like this person's of one. It means that they're ready to go to battle with you. All right. Like you're they're ready to take on the world with you. I'm so nixed on this concept of the one to is like, I feel like you brought this up Ryan his like after that, first one. I've been there before it's like will there be someone else like ask by the one that I have like law, and like the Mexicans gonna suck? Right. I came here until you meet that next. I and you don't ever fully get over that. I, I. Yeah. I think like this.

00:45:00 - 00:50:04

Concept of the one does hurt us because sometimes if you feel like you've met them, you're like, wow. That was my shot and it's gone, right? Yeah. Like, maybe there isn't the one. It's just the one at various stages of your life. Right. The one for net or the one that's teaching us this lesson or the one that's in it for the. Long-haul or someone. That's more of a soulmate action. Now, this goes back to like we're all just figuring this out, right. Trying our best being a human is hard. Well, I think that's famous thing is like you're only seeing it from your perspective, like curious like with your first girl, you bench in, like did she know the agony, you're going through doodo at. She was going through, you will only see it through your lens of what you're going through in the moment in a lot of times Hewlett while I feel so much in their just living their life in their totally fine. You don't really know that, right? Exactly. Drew I hear this question a lot, which people will ask. How do you know the current situation you're in is someone who's in your life to teach you a lesson? Her Saddam Hussein to stay along hall person. It Aloha person and my answer to that is always it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. You just have to try the best you can with the person you're with right now and only time will tell and is here to stay or not true. Oh, but who's to say it meet you could be with someone for ten years in think them, they're here for the long haul and realized they were just there to teach you a lesson last day. It's me in hindsight thing union. Right. I really doesn't matter who they are right now. You just have to try your best. Yep. I like that day by day. That's all you can do really live in the present moment you love as much as you can you do the best you wake up the next day. You do it again. That's a great great tank away, again to pressure the date. This one comes from Joel, I feel like I fall in love quite frequently in the past five years. I've probably phone love five times who for some reason as soon as exchange those three little words, the relationship falls apart, man. Most recent relationship ended about two weeks after we said, I love you. And yes, I tend to say a first, but the guys always say back, what do you think is happening here? Am I saying too early? And why would they say back? They don't mean it me a lot of answers to this question. Who's this for you kick us off? First of all, I think a lot of times a guy or a girl will say, I love you back in that position because they don't want it to be awkward in that one moment. If somebody tells you, they love you that is very vulnerable, and powerful thing to say, and so if you just sit there and smile or don't say anything, then it gets awkward quick. So you're like, oh, yeah, I love you too. When you in you, you might not mean, it, you know, you're just saying it because you wanna get through that one awkward moment. So I think for Jill L that as soon as they say, I love you the relationship falls apart. What's happening here. Let's say what Ryan just said they felt awkward. This was the way steel within the bull moment. They may have that feeling like wow. She's way ahead of me, like maybe catches up a couple of days later, whenever in than it's one of those deciding factors, I don't wanna leave this person on that feels this way. Yeah. I don't throw around the term. I love you very often. Even like I really have deal it, and I, I pretty much will only say it if like it's, they're like my heart just is like it's only set at, like three women in my life. So it's one of those things when MFL those words come out of my mouth, I'm meaning it and the other person is probably feeling it too. So it's not gonna take him off off guard. That's how I am too. But then I think there's other people that use it a lot more free ass. So it's like it's hard because you don't know two is the receiver also like does this person say this to everyone is someone that's not saying to you, they feel it, but they just don't they're not accustomed to saying it, I'd Feerick, we place, such emphasis on these three words, and I think like at the end of the day, like, yeah. Like if you go years and years, and no one ever says anything there could be larger. Yeah. Going on there. But I think also like some of it's just knowing in your gut that someone loves you or like, feel that way towards. Them. And I think like when you do say, like I guess my question for Joel, and she's not here to answer it so much farthest will go. But, like did she feel that they were like, in it with her, or was it just her feelings because I think, like for me, personally, I've never been the first one to say love you. So I don't really know but I only have how I'd react is, I would only say to some of that I felt was really in it with me Bryant. Right. So maybe there's a little bit of questioning of why are you saying these words, you actually mean it, you feel it or is it because you feel like you need to reach a milestone, and I heard that from some people. They feel like saying the words I love you as a milestone, they have to check off that box. But then people feel like the work stops there, you know, as soon as you say, love, you, it's good.

00:50:04 - 00:55:03

We don't need to work on a relationship where we're on live in so I can see why to how some relationships could fall part after these words exchanged, maybe you become complacent yards. Right. Or you feel like you don't have to work as hard. For your relationship. Yeah. I think also it's like knowing that her sin really well, again, we don't know, the timeframe of when she said it, but five times in five years, like, unless she's really like one year after one year with no breaks in between. My guess is like they weren't super long Ryan relationships again. We don't have the full background. But I think like it's knowing like, even if your feelings are there, if it's like two months in that could definitely freak someone out that leg isn't necessarily, as like inclined to say those words. So again, it's not that they don't have feeling through or like you should hold back, but it's also knowing how they express love in, like, maybe that isn't the way they do it in. It's like knowing them enough to know how they handle it. And if not know them enough than maybe you should be saying that, that point. So Ryan win at us. Tell your girlfriend that you love her on. It was beautiful. I was actually pretty quick for me. I would see was about a month and a half into a relationship, and it wasn't like some beautiful moment on a mountainside or whatever we were discussing in bed, and I looked her in the eyes and I told her I loved her kind of whispered it, and I, I may have had a little bit of a tear in my eye because it was a really powerful moment for me. Like I said, I don't I don't throw those words around so it, I mean when I said those three words like like this wave of emotion. Overcame me, and it was exciting and scary in, in all the emotions that come along. When you professor love to somebody, so that's how it happened empire at loved, like, if there's one that stood out to you. But like, I think for me like with my ex like I've member just like huddle lake like lay down like not a big gesture, but I remember him just being like I feel at home with you. Like I love all dislike to me. I wasn't actually thinking about it like, I don't know why. Like I felt that way to him. But I was never liked when is he? I'm gonna say in love you like I wasn't fixing hot. But like as soon as he said it, I was like, wow. I really loved him, too, and it just came out. That's really powerful. I don't know. So foreign to me, I haven't been in love since two thousand eight so I don't remember what that feeling is like, but I do remember the first time my ex-boyfriend said I love you to me. We were at my parents house, actually I was straddling him. We weren't having sex. Cuddling. And he just looked at me. He's like at love. You would just felt so genu-. And I cried. That's what I think up here, again, all three of those stories is like, there's a genuine feel. Yeah. And I guess, for Joel is like what how did I say it on yet? How is like the vibe of the situation all of that, right? Yeah. Love mom content. Great. It's what makes us human. You know, only, I think that's honestly surprised people ask why we do this, and there, there's a billion reasons why we do it. But one of the reasons I think it I love doing it is because like I do really believe that love is like the best thing in the world, in, like, I think it's really hard to find in, I think, when you lose it really fucking sucks. But like experiencing it in like feeling just like that feeling that's kind of hard to describe. It's just it's like everything in like at the end of the day, like or. Everything else like it's never gonna be like that, like soul shaking feeling that you now from love. I think the three of us are very lucky to have been in love. I know people who are well into their thirties, and forties who've never experienced law. And that's so sad to me, because it's, it's, it's a feeling that everyone should have at some interesting too, is like, even people that have been very long term relationships. It doesn't always core by not could be that you felt madly in love with someone like we're talking about. That's very short that passionate stand versus like people that you're like, oh, yeah, they've been together for like five years. They must be in love in March. Brian, there's no correlation alive that has to do with your south. How open you are to it. So okay, I'm gonna go find laugh now. I heard it earlier that siren going by that was loved. That with lung. Thank you so much, Ryan, for being so honest in vulnerable with your stories. I, I didn't know all the details with a pass to loves Murray. Some glad I I'm building on that. He's also my birthday twin, you know, every time he turns your older I feel it. Right. We're an aquarium. Brian, what little projects are you working right now? I'm really passionate about my YouTube channel. Like like I said, I used to be like, all into being a TV guy TV host working for travel channel and big networks, and there's excitement to that.

00:55:03 - 00:57:51

But I love creating my own stories, editing, the videos, how I want them to look and just telling stories that inspire viewers. And then with YouTube, you can interact with everybody, they write comments, you, can, you can write them right back. And so I really love YouTube right now as like my main passion as far as adventures. I'm always doing some sort of fun bike ride or runner. How can people find you on you to? It's a doozer TVD ER TV or if you just Google my name, or whatever my videos will show up have lots of them, and I create videos that are aimed at inspiring people to get up off their couches and challenge themselves so video the one of you in your current girlfriend on the YouTube channel Olo. Yes. It's called fifty mile first Date's great. So we will be linking this event, people can also check out your YouTube channel. Okay, we're going to wrap this up listeners home. We want to hear your love stories. I love these love stories four of them because you're right Ryan, this is what makes us human. This is what sets us apart from the other living. Objects this world? It's so unique in lovely roughly, you said earlier, like when you think back of the high points of your life. A lot of them are like you experience intimacy with someone else. Yup. Yup. Okay. We're going to wrap this up stay in. Aw, your action item for this week is to reflect back on your previous relationships instead of thinking about how they ended ask yourself three questions. One did you show up in that were you present in the relationship, and did you have your partner's back to did you try your best? Meaning when things were not going. Well, did you fight for your relationship, and for each other in three did you choose love, even with things were rocky? Did you choose? Love your partner instead of placing blame. Now, if you're currently in a relationship, ask yourself the same questions, but in the present tense, what are some areas you can do more of? And if you're not currently in a thing, think about what you could bring more of into your next relationship want to continue the conversation. I tag us in any post, the Pash tax day dateable, then head on over to our website, dateable, podcast dot com there, you'll find all the episodes as well as articles videos and our coaching services with vetted industry. Experts, you can also find our premium y series where we dissect analyze an offer solutions to some of the most common dating conundrums to connect with us. Find dateable podcast on Facebook, Instagram and Twitter. We're also downloadable on Spotify. I tunes and other podcast platforms. Your feedback is valuable to us. So don't forget to leave us a review on nineteen and most importantly, remember to stay data will.

Dateable Podcast
Yue Xu & Julie Krafchick

Is monogamy dead? Are we expecting too much of Tinder? Do Millennials even want to find love? Get all the answers and more with Dateable, an insider’s look into modern dating that the HuffPost calls one of the ‘Top 10 podcasts about love and sex’. Listen in as Yue Xu and Julie Krafchick talk with real daters about everything from sex parties to sex droughts, date fails to diaper fetishes, and first moves to first loves. Whether you’re looking to DTR or DTF, you’ll have moments of “OMG-that-also-happened-to-me” to “I-never-thought-of-it-that-way-before.” Tune in every Wednesday to challenge the way you date in this crazy Dateable world.