S8E2: Gold Standard

Dateable Podcast
February 26, 2019
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February 26, 2019

S8E2: Gold Standard

We discuss why some people make such an impact, different types of love at different stages of life, and how to prevent living in the past in order to move forward.

Gold Standard

Caroline tells us about her first love that made such an impression on her that no one else can ever live up to it. We discuss why some people make such an impact, different types of love at different stages of life, and how to prevent living in the past in order to move forward.

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Episode Transcript

Season 8 Episode 2: Gold Standard

00:00:00 - 00:05:01

The Dateable podcast is an insider's look into modern dating that the Huffington post calls one of the top ten podcast about love and sex. On each episode, we'll talk to real daters about. From sex parties to sex droughts, date fails a diaper fetishes and first moves to first loves. I'm your host Yue Xu, former dating coach turned dating sociologists. You also hear from my co host and producer Julie Krafchick as we explored this crazy dateable world. Hey, everyone. Welcome to another episode of dateable a show all about modern dating. We wanna talk about the gold standard for someone. I define what the gold standard is. And then I will introduce our guest gold standard is like that first friend or girlfriend, you how you're madly in love with and nobody else can ever live up to maybe all standard. Plenty maybe we're twelve I can run the gamut any forty tiny or midnight. Just haven't had it yet. But the gold standard is someone who you really fell deeply in love with or your definition of love who made such an impression on you that no one else subsequently can really compare to that love or at least. That's how I define it. But we have Caroline year. Today was our guest. Here's talk about her gold standard. Okay. Let me just give you the intro of who. She is. She's thirty five years old lives in San Francisco. For five years or Israeli from DC. And she's a pretty single, you're you're to talk about the gold standards. The first boyfriend who no one else can live up to let's start with when as you guys. Meet we met when I was about twenty five. Okay. So ten years ago. Yes. And how did you guys meet we met at a happy hour that a mutual friend invited me to who I found out actually also knew him, and I actually saw him across the room. And I just knew I wanted to talk to him so ten years ago you've been in San Francisco five years ago. What city was this? This isn't San Diego. Okay. What was it about him? That made you go over and wanna talk to him. I think he was just really physically attractive to me. And he was tall which for me. I'm pretty tall. So I tend to scan the crowd, and if someone's meeting above my I level that's a good thing. So I saw him. He looked really really cool and interesting and I wanted to meet him. And then how did you meet him? Well, I was with a friend who was a guy who probably wanted to ask me how. But instead I go who's that guy in? For there. Please. Nice studio it so that's how we bet. Okay. So then I guess how long did your relationship last? But was why didn't last a long time. But that doesn't mean I didn't feel a lot out of it. So we met I think it was about may. Okay that year, and we dated for about three months, and then it was on off for the next six months, and then I actually ended up moving for job. So at that point, we decided to be friends a Haas. So a pretty I guess consistently for three months, and then another six months, that's kind of sporadically. Okay. But you're right. I mean, it really doesn't take long to fall for someone. What was this love life? I think for me the thing keep thinking about is one of our first date, and we it was one of those dates where it wasn't totally planned and we decided to go see a play, but we had some extra time before the play after the play sweet were just driving around in San Diego getting food hanging out at the beach, and for me like one moment that I always think about and sort of define this late goal. Standard was the first time we kissed. So that happened that that night he broke into a friend's apartment. Complex that whole and hot tub. So when San Diego, you got your bathing suit in the back of the car for emergencies. Did you? So this is a complex and go from the pool to the hot tub. Actually. No, we started in hot tub and to the pool so some spontaneity. Yes, got arrested. I think the weird part of it was so we jumped from the hot tub into the pool, and we kissed and in that moment the world started to spin for both of us. And I thought I was going to pass out or vomit or go under and I go oh my gosh. The world is spinning and he's like I feel sick. And he's like, wait. I've seen this in movies. It's the kiss that made your head spin. And it was how coolest moments ever could have been from the temperature change. But we checked it up to the kiss that major head spin. The nobody drowned what else was it about him. Like, what was it about your connection that made him so memorable? I think it was the first time I spent a whole day. What someone did get sick of them. We just had a lot to talk about every member remind to the play and I wanted to hold hands with him. But I did it because I was scared, but just this desire for like, I really like this person. And we haven't known each other a ton. But I just feel like I I wanna get to know him. And I want to know more kind of that first day that I kiss, and he had made a comment to me that he sort of hadn't ever felt it's close to anyone as he did that night.

00:05:01 - 00:10:01

I always enjoy a verbal affirmation of one. I'm feeling so that was nice to hear what do you think whissy ultimate end of this relationship? I know he moved away. But would it back before you moved away? I ended up moving. So I think for me I almost wanted more oftentimes from him. And he was pretty interesting figure out his next career move on like to do a lot of stuff on his own. Was he also? Oh, twenty five he was one year older than around the close in age. I think what ended up happening is. He ended up meeting someone else that he liked better than me. Whereas I felt a lot of love for him. I think on his side was more like and one of his guy friends told me that he always really liked me. But when he met this other woman, he just felt really hard for her. So with in the time that you guys were dating he means this once we were on and off, and he kind of knew I was moving, but I was sort of like all the feelings. I think I felt for him. He ended up feeling for someone else. So what made end the first time. Like after the consistent three months. He was just a little bit aloof numb, and I had gone to a conference. So when I came back from the conference we met up in and we're talking, and you know, he he actually said to me, I'm not treating you. Right. You deserve more while I think we should take a setback. Which is of course, not what I wanted to hear in. I thought no well over let's. Just keep tumultuously dating. Interesting about this is that can now we're redefining what the gold standard is. It's not so much the gold standard of how he treated, you know, the goal standard help of how you felt okay. Let's redefine that. So we know the baseline. That no one can live up to that definition gave is still true. Because it's your perception as before you met him had you ever been in love before or felt this deeply for some of four I had felt connections with people I had dated a little bit in college and graduate school. But I hadn't really had. I think such an intense connection or I hadn't had someone verbally affirmed that what I was feeling was also they were feeling so it felt mutual at first. And then I was really sad to kind of see that dwindle. When for me, it was still there. 'cause you'd I say, I love you. We did not say, I love you. Oh, okay. Did you feel it? I did. Okay. Yeah. But I didn't wanna go there in case. He wasn't there was there ever that? He wanted to say, you didn't probably, but I think because I started noticing some signs that he was pulling away a little bit. I was afraid to kind of go out there because it was just raid with thirty spots would be so ten years later. You're you're still thinking about him. What's the situation? Are you guys still in contact? He is married to the woman that he met after me all Healy. Okay. Healings for as you flipped him up. Yes. Unfortunately. So they have been together for several years, and I actually had seen them together like probably nine years ago at a neutral friend's house. I had been visiting and I saw how different he was with her. He was really into it. He was very loving domesticated, which was very different than how I knew him used to like drink and go out a lot. But he was very they brought a pie to this event that we were at and I was like. Those those interesting, and then I actually also saw him this past year after not seeing her here from him in in a while we have the occasional Email, but I ended up visiting him. He lives in different state now. And I was there on occasion. So we end up in I spent some time with them. So how have you has stayed in contact during that league's through Facebook or like how? So the weird thing is he doesn't have Facebook Instagram. I'm not sure if that's good or bad because I don't know if I should be. I think it's. Other than their line. That's about. By mostly the Email. And so we had reached out I had asked him about some travel plans once because he had lived in the country visiting and then we had a mutual friend had some news. So we kind of sure that and then when I went out to brand that visiting him. I actually just kind of emailed him and said I was going to be around and was curious he wanted to meet and he was favorable to the idea in or they're just like personal were. Yes, I'm not for her now. But I was like well, two hours away in a car like seemed to have this idea of just the let's just figure things out and understand what happened and how people are. So when you saw him did those old feelings come back. I was definitely still attracted him for sure. He definitely looked like he had aged very much in ten years. Attractive? He's still looked cool. He he actually met at a bar. So I was sitting at the bar, and he kinda came in psalm me from behind and then we chatted. He bought me a drink. And. Yeah, I mean, I think that sort of like witty repartee with legs. So there we were chatting is a lot of fun.

00:10:01 - 00:15:01

And we ended up kind of spending several hours together. And then his wife came in Meta's for Drake. Wow. So question for you. I guess how did you figure out? He was married in the first place. Did he tell you like how did that go down? So what happened was after? I'd moved away. We still had mutual friends. Oh, ken. So I knew that he had met someone. I didn't know what her name was in that time. I came back to visit the mutual friend. They had invited him in her over though that was the first time I met her, and then we also had coffee that that same time. And I actually asked him some questions, I guess, I was pretty bold. And he told me he was very serious about her. And you know, I kinda thought something might happen. God what was it like meeting the wife? You know? Yeah. He's talking about us gold standard or whatever. Standard. I always feel like in this situation. I'm almost underwhelmed innocence. 'cause I tend to think oh while they dumped me they mostly what someone like way. Awesome. And you're like, oh, she looks like someone I'd be friends Louis or just lease as normal normal. And it's like, oh, okay. Like kinda looked a bit similar to me. You know, she had more advanced degrees than median, you know, had some other traits that were different. But I kind of thought she someone might be friends with. So did he offered? No, like, your how deep your feelings work. I think he probably knew I didn't necessarily articulate it. But once I knew I was gonna move for work. We did meet up in you know, he didn't think he could give me what I wanted. And he had saying you deserve more. And you know, some of my friends had thought that he can it wasn't seeing me enough and wasn't showing up to some of mine work functions. With me only he was. Yeah. Still. Had these strong feelings for him. It's do because he was a Lou. I mean that could be part of it. Right. As you have that longing. And then you're getting like the breadcrumbs and you're like, oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. But I think it just was like sometimes, I think you meet people in for you. They just work, and he was one of those people that could have worked for me if he had felt similarly and the weird thing was when I met him later after he had met the woman who was to be his wife. He told me that he just couldn't get enough of her and he was like following her. And he was like waiting for her the coffee shops that she always went to. And it was all those like psycho behaviors that I kind of. I was like, oh man you're doing and I was like well that must be real for him. Then because that's how I felt kind of an interesting me like feel that way. It's a dozen and they do it to someone else. Right. Like, you said she's not some unicorn she's just a normal person who he's just deeply connected to. Yes. And you you can't explain that. Exactly, it was undeniable chemistry had you guys like had like defining the relationship conversation or was it just kind of light. So it felt natural that you were exclusive like what was that satis in three months? Yeah. It we didn't have the conversation on. But it was just sort of like, you know, we both had dated much in the past. So it was sort of just a new kind of fun experience for both of us Lum until we didn't really term anything. I mean, our friends would see us together. But he was very attractive, man. So a lot of you know, people would paid on him or, you know, so if you could redo that relationship again, what would you do differently? Who that's a great question really thought about that? I think what I've learned over the years is that I almost thought before that if I was maybe less opinionated and just more open to things I would be more desirable to someone because I wouldn't I be easy to get along. With like, I could just be open to things I'd be like, whatever. Like, I don't have very strong opinions. I think now the older I get the more. I'm like. The strong opinions. Make me interesting and make me seem serious makes me seem like I know what I want. So if I could do it again, I don't think I would take any crap from him like stepping up once. I would be like. Yeah, this unacceptable, and like, you know, you better take me out to dinner in a college is instead of just single. It's okay. We'll meet next time. You know, just stand up for myself a little bit more. And I probably would articulate my feelings like I kind of have no shame anymore. Like, I would just say, you know, I really do. And I think we should date. And you know, if he said, no, I'd have to say, okay. But I think it was almost like I liked him so much that I didn't want to do anything to do in. It is. Yeah. One more day with him letters than trying to define this out of rock the boat like in especially if you're already kind of feeling like he's not giving you enough yet. I wanna make it. The heat comes out and says it because it could actually end the whole thing. Interestingly enough, people would say that's also an indicator of a bad relationship. Yes. Is when you feel like you're walking on eggshells can't rum vote. You can't bring him conversations because you're so of rate of lose. Absolutely. So I guess fast forward ten years. What's your dating life been an attack today? This is a great question.

00:15:02 - 00:20:03

I would say my dating life is. Well, I'm kind of on a hiatus right now. I would say over the years a lot of people I met I tend to go back to him this San Diego because when I felt so intensely about him. And when he when he described feeling for his wife, and how he would like, you know, go to the places she liked, and he would really just kind of it was just sort of like he had to be there. He wanted to be around her that was a feeling that. I thought I needed to feel in order to know this relationship was right? So there was this like level of intensity that I felt like I needed to have to know. I was interested in someone see said like, okay. This person doesn't make me feel the way. He did. This must not be the right fit. Right. Discounted ripe. And do you still feel that way? I think now since it's been a long time, and I dated several people since then it gets kind of less than less. But I think like that what I described about one of our early dates in that kiss that made kind of the world spin. You know those moments. I don't forget. And maybe they become rosier over time. You know, you forget how bad remember the good first time reason like those movie star moments. I would say kind of still stick out at me. Numb core. Still kind of compare and I don't seem to have that level of romance like anymore. Just in the dates. I've had so far has there been like anyone serious in this time? That's maybe they didn't leave the feeling you gave it more of a chance. I think I've definitely been more adult relationships where we've defined things we've had the talk, you know, thinks of moved further along and those have been good. But you know, I still think those relationships didn't work out. I'm I'm currently single. So those relationships didn't necessarily work out. And in a way that makes me wonder if you know do lightweight for that intensity of feeling do I go for someone I can wear rationally kinda get somewhere with leg. I feel like I've tried both in jersey still out don't they didn't work out because you didn't feel like what you. Felt for him. Do you think that was the reason I think a lot of the people I have dated since then it was more of a mismatch of goals where I tended to kind of want more of that traditional family, and they seemed more into like just weren't ready for that. Or weren't sure dot kids or it definitely seemed like not just because dole. Yes. Okay. Yes. So we didn't pull on our is to grant. The question was do you think chemistry needs to be there from the beginning? Or can it be developed over time? Basically, it was even result forty sixty or something like that. But it really depends on if someone's had one or the other bef- Yan baseline if you had that intense chemistry in the beginning that you look for next time, you feel like that has to be there in for those some people believe it or not having experienced that. So they believe chemistry can be can be developed over time. Trista? What's your take on? That now. So I felt like it was live at for state with him. So I think I believe in love at first sight, and you know, I've actually had it happen. If you other times since then one time, it was someone at work who was not single. So obviously didn't act on it. But I knew those feelings could come back in you know, for someone in the right situation. It could happen again. That was nice. I think with chemistry growing over time. Maybe it depends on how long the time is recently saw a friend. I hadn't seen in a long time who kind of underwent some drastic health changes in had really gone into shave. And I was like, oh like I would have considered before. But like, oh interesting. And we we've known each other for lung yet. But I tend to think friendship for me develops over time. If it's not Canaveral in initially. It's like friends zoned, do you think having the skull center has helped your dating life in any way? Interesting. I feel like it's been maybe a little detrimental is not giving people a chance. I don't feel super excited about initially. Yeah. But I also think it's like, I know what I want, and I have type, and I'm not afraid to tell people that when they offered to set me up. I have no shame showing someone. This guy's photo. Or that guy in the street looks like my ex who I meant to him or there is like certain qualities, you know, that I think are appealing to me where someone's from were sort of their level of verbal nece leg, I'm really like a guy who can chat it up and can hold himself socially moment. This guy was very good at that Carolina. I'm struggling here because the only redeeming factors about this person. Is that he's hot? That's what I. He made you feel good. But the Morrison foremost he's hot if he wasn't hot moments, we creepy. So us. The way this is real right after. Physically into him. So what else was it about the sky that made you feel so connected to him? What are some of the ways has personality really attracted, you totally feel like this makes me sound very shallow.

00:20:03 - 00:25:01

But now that were that were being Hello this office. He was really charming. He had a lot of wit. And just the way we could talk together, we can just shoot it back. And it's rare that I find someone I talk very quickly. You know, we just kind of have this banter, even when I saw him last year after a really long time. It was just like back and forth. And you're just kind of in stuff with each other. The other thing about him. I think that an and funny enough I took this away from the relationship is he always had this idea of luck in the world. And he saw like people and things as being good. And I came from horrid grew up in more of a pessimistic household where I was more afraid of the world nanna made of things so one can funny story to kind of explain this is when I first moved to San Diego, I was very afraid about walking barefoot on places other. Than the beach because I thought you could step on being or whatever the pet Nissim die. Onto that. It's bad. Yeah. And he was very much like, oh, no, I'm up here. All the time. You know, I surf I'm in the ocean. So we went on a date to the zoo, and he decided to talk barefoot in the entire time. Just to prove to me that hey, you know, I'm not going to get sick and live a little that was sort of a turning point for me in changing my outlook on the world lasting. So I have to say this because I do a lot of research this. I love kind of psychology behind it. And all these articles in studies point to the fact that this gold standard is like cocaine are in a way that you're addicted to the way it makes you feel but it actually has no benefits to you. So when you're describing this person, it's the way they carry themselves that is completely isolated from you that you're attracted to someone who pushes you out of your comfort zone. Some shows you something different were a new way of. Talking about things, but it's actually in no relation to you there just being themselves. Yeah. That's how coke that's out. Drugs are drugs are just way, they are staying, and then you just latch onto the drugs. Because of the way they make you feel the drugs aren't there to provide for you. So the study save your so latch onto your. I love it just like the way you think about skydiving to. It's the first time you dove into man, it's so memorable. It's embedded into your memory in. So having that as a gold standard, you'll never find that again because you you'll never time experience the first time again, I totally agree with everything you just said, but I think the part that questioning is the benefit to you portion because I think that the first person does actually provide a benefit in this is where I struggle is. Was it the person or was it because like you got this taste of like, what relationship was like because you said this was like your first like real time, actually dating someone and I have been there before to in. It's like you've had tastes of it before. But nah. Never like someone to that level see to it. And you really start to enjoy having someone around have been enjoy someone like to be affectionate with me, I'm feel well in like have sex regularly, and like all this stuff. So I think there is a benefit to you. I guess the question is is it because it's the first experience or is it really the person. I I wanna make this very clear clear difference here. One is benefits you extract from the person is the benefits they're providing for you. Yes. So again example with coq you're extracting the benefits from coke without coq giving them to you. That's sure when you're extracting companionship's sex activity partner, actually, independent of that person, you're extract rice benefits, but someone who is there to treat you, well, this someone who provides those benefits you have you experienced someone who treats you so well that you thought oh my gosh. It's personal makes me feel so loved and secure. And so so support it. Yeah. I mean, I would say probably not not. Yet. I definitely did it people who have been more that provider. But I don't know. I think that's what I'm now looking for. So I think it's interesting 'cause we did another poll on its. We did other poem with it. Like, would you rather have like a series of really intense connections or one long stable Ron our on out? But like sling, very uneventful. Yeah. Yeah. Play sent him play in people were fifty fifty. And it was basically like a lot of it has to do with their experience before in it a different way than what you said on the last survey yacht whole was if they had that complacent relationship they wanted the opposite. I yeah. Just as I think the other point because I've been here as well. I totally get what you're saying. I think sometimes you tend to put someone on a pedestal, especially the more time that goes on like you forget about the bad quality. And like only remember the good qualities in that. It makes it really hard for someone new to live up to it because they have both at your only comparing good qualities.

00:25:01 - 00:30:06

It's so turn. I think to the age that I met him. You know? Yeah. Any? The thing of him walking barefoot in making me realize like oh my gosh. I should loosen up. And you know, I think it was just maybe the age when I was sort of on my own living on my own doing my own things that like it helped me become who I am today yet. I was probably just open to things at that point. Let's in just about like was like a soulmate connections here to teach you something about yourself and then move on. Yeah. Like your life. Like, a true definition of a soulmate. Yes. It's true interested someone that shakes up your soul in your core in how things but not necessarily the person that's going to be that stable lifelong Homer lay. And that's just goes with timing. This other article says a lot of these feelings happen during major life events or transitions. So like your quarter life crisis? You're like, I don't want him do my life. I don't know if I want to stay here. But I have this person here to show me something different to help transform. And that's why so many people fall in love like when they're in their at lessons. You know, they're going through major life experiences. I do wonder about this. Because I am always like the next, man. I fall in love with he probably will never love me as much as he did his I love night only think about that. And some people would argue with me, they're like, no, it's a different kind of love. Yeah. I just remember. I can honestly say right now, I will never love someone the way I love my I I've won't either do for love you just fell. You didn't care about the fear in the rejection. Now, we quipped with all these tools in defense mechanisms and all this past experience. I can never love someone wholeheartedly the way I stupidly glove though. I think it depends on when you met. That I love right like if you mend them when you were twelve or like fifteen the level of love even half or so much different. You are child sickly like there were definitely people in my life that I like really whites. But I didn't like meet the person that was like in love with until like into my late twenties. Yeah. In theory could say your first person, but it wasn't it. Just depends. How you define I love was at your first boyfriend. Or was it your first light soul shaking like Carson means everything to me that it's probably different for everyone. It's probably it's different for everyone knew probably go through different iterations of a love is my first love was my first boyfriend. We were in high school. We were sixteen. I lost my virginity to him. We did everything together. And this is a guy poured, my heart and soul right to. And then my second like real love was a three month stint that Mamie fearful because I didn't want him. He was few someone I never dated before he made me feel alive again. But he probably didn't feel the same way about me. But that was a second memorable love. So what's the third? What's third iteration guys? So. Yep. Like, it'd be that's your husband. Love is. Mario love life patter real love. I don't think real is the right word because I think off my real big one is like the first awake. They the second one is like the witch shakes you in this person is maybe the staple one. So maybe it should be realistic that this long lasting love that. We're talking about won't be as soul shaking. Maybe there's two extremes. Right. There's one like, oh, I've met this person. I'm actually not very physically attracted to them. I don't find them super interesting. Dilemmas edit good enough time. Let me see if it grows in them. There is like someone that you're like, wow. I actually had a really great time with them. I find them attractive. Maybe it's not like the extreme that you felt that it was love at first sight. But I think there is ranges. I don't think it's like a polar opposite on that scale. I don't know. I think the times I've met someone that I was like holy cow. I'm so tractive this person such a good time. That's when I started getting in my own head and get up. I'm afraid of saying the wrong thing since we were I'm checking my phone every five minutes, but the times that I've met someone and said, this is an awesome person. We definitely clicked it was like, whoa. But it was still good enough. That's what I felt most. And you just throw yourself us or made me back. Maybe like that is what it is. Is that what they will call settle? I don't actually I've been thinking about here. Yeah. I read this actually somewhere like Glinka where it was. It was settling if you think it centrally. Yeah. That's true. If you don't think it settling. It's not settling. Yeah. Is it a mindset what what were your thoughts on settling? Well, I was thinking about it. In terms of is settling when you've had enough of a random sampling of what's L, our and your sided to take the average based on what I know. And what I want and is settling Beth thing. Right. Why native connotation to it settling when you're ready to settle down? Soundless godsend juuling gets a bad Brown.

00:30:07 - 00:35:02

Like you were going under. What you think you? Yes, you're you're reaching down as opposed to reaching up. So we just the question that remains for me. And I think it's not just you care live in Probably Raleigh. like, why do we put these people out of gold standard that didn't work? I play a pedophile. Yeah. Right. Hey, how about we take a quick break? So I can tell you about our sponsor, hourglass cosmetics. I used to think luxury beauty brands were just about the branding. It was more of an indulgence than anything else. But then I discovered hourglass cosmetics and realize it's extraordinarily performance in innovation. I love the hourglass as a hundred percent cruelty free vegan, and it really works all wrapped up in beautiful luxurious packaging. My first introduction was the caution that Skara after reading the magazine called it a lash lift in a tube. It's Vance vegan formula never fakes or smudges even after wearing it all day the taper brushed our livers, endless lane intense volume and lift it's a game changer. Discover hourglass like I did inexperienced unparalleled next generation performance by visiting our last cosmetics dot com slash dateable and use the promo code. Dateable to get free shipping with your purchase of a full-sized caution. Mascara that's hourglass spelled H U R G L A, S S cosmetics dot com slash dateable with the promo code dateable. Spelled dat. AP L E now back to the show. Like, why do we put these people on a gold standard that didn't work? Yeah. I play a pedestal. Yeah. Right because it's sort of like the outcome of that relationship was bad. But when I entreat you go, right, especially when you know that you weren't treated well. Full side of it. Yeah. Told me that right? Is he remained this high level in your mind? I mean, I can only I can only assume it's because the intensity of my own feeling. So that's an internal gauge for me to know when I'm excited about someone. We had a sort of chemistry or connection, and I feel like for me when I haven't had that in a long time. It's sort of a nice memory to think back on a well. That was nice. You know, when I was young and that happened. I don't know. I guess because it was so I think if it so fondly like I would just love to have that happen again. And I think because I've seen other people that I'm interested in in that level of intensity. At least initially I think that person's out there, not numb haven't seemed to have met them recently. But in a way, it gives me hope. Yeah. Though, how do you think you'll actually need this person? If you have this other person. Yeah. If you're actually going around showing up way, friends Fono Gulf standard, are you ever going to be? Syria like you want to recreate what you how him but the reality is. You'll never recreated. Exactly. Yes. Is this the different per? Yes. And hopefully, the ending will be different and bedroom. Exactly. So how do you move forward? I think that's maybe why I'm on dating hiatus right now. Really, I don't know where the whole going wrong and right over the past several years. And I think what I can't say is now I know what I want outcome. I'm looking for and I used to as I was with him stepping on eight shells afraid to really say what I wanted. Now. I'm just like, look I wanna have kids, and I would like to get married. I'm just telling people this because I mean, you know, not like the first five minutes, but it's sort of like, I think things that I know that I want I'm just going to be more open about it. Yeah. So that's not a reason later that we break a border, and I think like looking for that level of just initial spark to me is still me. I think at fifty fifty eight minute, I think it does exist. The net will indicate to me someone that I might be more likely to get along well with, but I'm also giving other people at chance that I don't have that kind of love at first sight went. But where we have a great connection on a first date or remedial event in you know, I'd like to see them again. So I think for me it just led to hey, there's actually two paths here, and I'm kind of open to both. Of them because I don't know which one's gonna give me the time. I want. But it I think that's fair. I mean, you hear from couples who've been married for a long time, and they would say the spark comes and goes it. It's not like someone just dies down. My friend was like, oh my God. The other day looked my husband. He took my breath away. Maybe married for ten years because sometimes you just get it back. And then sometimes it fades. I would argue though, I feel like it needs. If it's out there the very initial stage. I think it can grow over time definitely had situations where the first time it someone who's no spark in a group through friendship. But I think of it doesn't ever get to a point where there is a scar. In a reasonable amount of time. That's not a great. She gets a reasonable amount of time. A re anytime. Far because it's like, I I am probably more like you. Caroline, like, I'm very much like, I meet people. This is not just romantic, friends coworkers anyone either.

00:35:02 - 00:40:06

Like you. I don't like me are very late instant, I think on my hands the amount of times that relationships again, not just romantic platonic to have changed dramatically for me. So I feel like all the great relationships. I've had romantically have been people that I've had a relatively fast interest. However, I did have one that was a friend that I had zero interest. But then once it became I don't know what that switch was to be completely honest. But like once it felt that way, I felt it it wasn't like, oh, let me try and all the people my life that I've really tried with because I've also been like is this a bad cash. Should I go down and go for these people that I'm not interested in and I've tried for like months to be like am I into the percentages? Just never gets there. I don't know what number is in dazed did date someone who was stable and all my friends loved him. And he thought he was a great match for me. But what happened was I met during the time. We were dating I met someone that I sparked with at least worked with and I I had sparked with him initially. But then as was dwindling with him, I sparked really hard with another guy that I met at a networking event. And it was because I knew what that level of spark was for me that could mean something like that then took away from the initial relationship of maybe like, I need some level to be there. Earls? I think what am I doing in my just going to move to someone? Right. Well, the thing is you can't force anything if you're dating someone in your just waiting for this for to show. Definitely. And you need to get the fuck away not sharing the angry. Oh. Fart. But it is good to keep an open mind and say, maybe you're like not really dating this person. But to get to know them on a friendship that waving for a spark to happen. But just seeing where things go, right? I think that's the that's the key point. If you're waiting. It's not gonna happen. The problem is, and I often think that this is a curse for those of you who sparked with people right because I have friends who've never sparked with anybody in. I'm like actually going thing. Thing for the because they're coming. I don't know what that feels like it's all equal before those of us who felt the spark. It's like such a curse because we're constantly looking for it yet is at coca doesn't happen that often ended doesn't act of winning again. Like, whoa. Like, I gotta go. Try let your will bend over backwards. Your will be more cautious about losing it because it doesn't happen. Yeah. And if you gave people maybe wear there wasn't as much of a spark more of a chance you feel like you've more options. Maybe. Yeah. It goes back to listening to your own intuition and saying am I forcing this thing to happen or am? I like this thing naturally flow being open minded, but also knowing what your baseline is like if you're thinking about that gold standard like Caroline's focus more on the ending of that goal standard as opposed to the beginning and say, okay, I don't want to repeat that. Right. Just want the feelings, but. I don't want a repeat of that. Again. Maybe it's a good segue. The takeaways, and I think there is the ability to separate the person, and how you felt I mean, I think regardless like you obviously cared for this person in love the person. Again any situations. I'm not saying like, oh, just like pretend like they'd meant nothing. I'm not saying that. But like if you can separate like guy love this person. But what I really really loved that. I wanna find again is these feelings not necessarily like I need to replicate this exact Hurson. You're never going to replicate them. Now. Take away for me to focus on how someone makes you feel by their actions versus the qualities that you find so admirable I mean, those are important too. But when we start making our list of qualities, we want in our future partner. It should always be how they make you feel. I want out you'll secure I wanna feel loved I wanna feel supported. I wanna I wanna feel these. Feelings and those can only be done through their actions for you. Specifically like you said with your gold standard. He was so obsessed with this. Now, why a he would stake out places where she was because he couldn't get another her. That's how I want my partner to feel about. Yeah. And we all should feel that way. And that's has nothing to do with how hot he was. Or how interesting witty and he in all that. 'cause end of the day someone who's hot and witty can get any right? Hey, everybody will point those factors out as like, very interesting. Yeah. Characters I think to piggyback off of that. I think it's great to have these people that are just wonderful, right? Because you know, that one they exist. Yeah. To my certain qualities of how great you felt and what it was about them. But I also think we need to take them off pedestals sap that like they are person to and they had a place in our life.

00:40:06 - 00:45:03

And I'm saying this is like way is your yourself. And I think it takes a lot of time to get there. Because I think the more we hold onto them as this like gold standard this person above everyone. You're not going meet someone else I experienced this with my accident took like two years to fully get over him. And I could not meet anyone else in that time because I was so like invested even though we are together now. And it just like there is no chance that anyone would have come close. And I think the second that I actually like like mentally was like I'm over this. That's what I actually met someone which is like the crazy part of it. Yeah. Our memories are very selective. I this. When I was dating a lot in New York. I kept a journal of everyone I dated. So what I would do is. I would write down after each day how the date went as if I was telling a girlfriend so highlights and traced life kind of like selling him to my girlfriend and then on a weekly basis. I would have. A sit down and say, this is a get real session. And I write down every memory that. I didn't want to remember about the person, you know. So like every little annoying thing. They did or something they said to me that bothered me when you look back on the get real good. Then you're like damn memory so selective. I totally forgot this and you have to do in the Boba because you do it too late drag your memoir at Riyadh. Our moments where I was like so obsessed with this guy in in those get real journal entries. I read them. And unlike oh my God. How could it ever fall for this guy because he was such a or like there's red flag? Oh, yes. Domain. Like, I never did it to the level of what they said. And what they did. But I definitely did like a journalist has biking what Greek qualities did my ex have. And then what qualities were fully? I just could not stand. Right. Like, they'll work that. I don't want a future partner began. I think you will compare the next prison identically like it'd be like, yeah, they have a lot of shared qualities with this Merson. However, they have some differences. We put the gold standard on this pedestal. And we keep thinking that we're like the retailer in this in this. Imaginary relationship were meeting for this person on a pedestal, and my mom always reminds me of this. She's like imagine it we always talk my my gold standard. She's like remember what he your relationship with him. How insecure you were Hajas what it was imagine of? You're actually married to him his syllabi on a pedestal excess. She always like, let's reality check here. Okay. If you were married to him today in twenty nineteen what would that relationship? Be like that is a great. By that think about it. Because I think this is another point. It's not always the length of a relationship. It can be this short like intense Burs in that, especially when those ones happen. You don't see this long ten year plan? No twenty years like life together. Now, see three months like you. Don't see the Dow's how how char- right. Yeah. What other takeaways you have Caroline? I really liked what you said about how they make you feel because that's not really the lens of taken. And that's probably where I've gone wrong Esau of us have on making. Listen, I because we met him host of her twenties trying to win people over. Yes. Right. Everyone's like always trying to win. This dating game. I just want him to like me back on even want to say just twenties. I I think I would argue that it continues way over sometimes. But then when you sit back, and you think how do they make me feel what are they doing to make me like them? Right. Maybe it's nothing. I feel like a fool. Yeah. For sure, okay. Perspectives question of the day to day. This one comes from Maya a married to my first real love, someone I sell for hard. When we first met. We were obsessed with each other. But now those feelings have faded after five years, and I'm interested in exploring other people and how they could possibly make me feel how do you guys feel about bringing this up to my husband pretty much the opposite of what we have up. I mean, I guess it depends what my is looking for like if she really feels like she wants an open relationship. She needs to explore like, maybe that is something that she could float with her husband again. I don't know how conservative or what is opinion would be. But I think what I would maybe persuade Maya to do is to think about like is this like a fleeting feeling have. I been feeling this first so long. I'm finally not supressing it like is this just like a new I looked at my husband, and he's not the like, I know salad couch and lazy or whatever. Like, I guess like maybe take inventory with y you're feeling this and then like go act accordingly.

00:45:03 - 00:50:01

There's also like the point of like, why has the spark died is in has when you first met you were like going out all the time. And you were like, yeah. Romance you're eighteen or just like even just like, you know, holding hands or like faction it like has gone to the wayside the more or like comfortable, you get are you just like spending every Saturday night home sitting on the couch. Maybe it's like you need to get that spark back. It's just I don't know the fate because it's sort of like, you kinda don't know until you've sampled a lot of things. But if you've met someone that you initially sparked with like, you don't you don't know what else is out there? But it might not necessarily be better. And even if it feels spark better it might not be goals better. Right. Yeah. The way that it's kind of a catch twenty two. If you see the person, you sparked with really hard at great, but also sets a really high standard for the rest of your relationship. 'cause you feeling like you knew that. Spark back. But again, we said with any relationship a any Volvos over time your evolve over time. So again with Maya what are you looking for? Are you looking for a committed relationship? Do you want to be in a committed relationship? If he do you commit your feelings to and know that your feelings come in waves, but I'm also a huge supporter of exploring and and getting yourself as much experience as possible in the dating world. So you know, what you want because sometimes you really don't know what you want and for some of my friends who've been in long relationships have taken a break to do that to just kind of go do an open relationship or there's so many different four for relationship. You could export again. It's what you're I mean. It's not one size fits all. It really depends on you your relationship, your partner Gervais us like do you have other people that are impacted if you do take a break lake? So many different couples counseling, you know. It's every relationship is so different. We can't judge anybody for what they're going through. So all I can say to you Maya is sit down with your husband and tell him the truth, tell them how you're feeling see what how he feels about it and make it a discussion as opposed to you know, you've trying to figure this out by yourself. Yes. Really be. He also feels like the spark has died willing to work with you to get it back or maybe is open to an open arrangement. If all else fails. Try vibrate in conquering. I don't know. Albert cornerback or not. Awkward. I'm why is going to make it fun food metaphors Irish just thinking back to win. I I had my favorite ice cream back in d c as a kid. It was Oreo ice cream from this place called Bob's. And that flavor of that Oriole ice cream has been Mongols sooner for Oreo ice cream forever day. Remember what it tastes like ice compare every other ice cream? I this is so I've had the scary food like, I don't know. But and you went back into heaven to taste that good. You know, I moved away. And I think they closed that tries to little they have to be been chocolate chip this place around the reminding. And then I had it years later. And I was like this is not good. No. That's the thing is like you again, it goes back to this mindset. Bill on a pedestal is like years later, you actually could meet up in that spark isn't there? Yeah. Sometimes you actually do need to like meet that person again or talk to meet your meal. It was hardens. I would still date him. If he was single. I think the key for you, though, is that he is not single right? Right. Yeah. I think yours is different. Because there isn't like get half forward. So it's like a yeah. So I think it's like if you've had these lingering feelings for someone maybe is worth if they are a single and open to maybe it is worth re-explore and seeing if it's still there, and they're not single accepting that and not yet having them as the gold standard anymore. Yeah. About calling the gold standard outright an exit right? And you only know what you know, what if there's someone else out there that you could spark with even more. Yeah. That'd be awesome. I hope this here. To moving forward while thank you so much Caroline for telling us your feelings about this next. Also, sharing a very honest story. I think a lot of people can relate to a lot of us have been there. And maybe it's not even a gold standard. Maybe it's just someone recently that you data that your legs stuck on or someone from just a few years ago. It doesn't have to be a gold standard. But it is really hard for us to move from the past. You just the way we were. I think we can take away some great advice on how to just move forward in general. So thank you for that. And for anybody who's listening wants to share their story. Maybe you are.

00:50:03 - 00:51:46

Or maybe I like this topic to the one that got away one that got away and you're just dying with them again. Maybe ready. Yeah. Something has happened. Maybe you realize they're still single. We can make a habit what we can reach out of the time. You didn't think they were the gold standard that you? Comparison shopping anyway, we're still booking guests for season. Eight we love to hear from you. A lettuce know reach out to us at dateable podcasts dot com. Okay. We're going to wrap this up. Stay at all your action item for this week is to reframe how you think about your gold standard instead of putting them on a pedestal put them back in the line of past dates to keep it in perspective, physically right, down, all the positives. And negatives about that relationship. And when you find yourself comparing again refer back to this list. Remember, you have yet to meet your real gold standard. So don't let this one get in your way want to continue the conversation. I tag in any post with hashtag stay dateable, then head on over to our website dateable podcast dot com there you'll find all the episodes as well as articles videos and our coaching services with vetted industry experts. You can also find our premium y series where we dissect. Analyze and offer solutions to some of the most common dating conundrums to connect with us. Find dateable podcast on Facebook, Instagram and Twitter. We're also downloadable on Spotify. I two and other podcast platforms. Your feedback is valuable to us. So don't forget to leave us a review on I tunes and most importantly, remember too. Dateable?

Dateable Podcast
Yue Xu & Julie Krafchick

Is monogamy dead? Are we expecting too much of Tinder? Do Millennials even want to find love? Get all the answers and more with Dateable, an insider’s look into modern dating that the HuffPost calls one of the ‘Top 10 podcasts about love and sex’. Listen in as Yue Xu and Julie Krafchick talk with real daters about everything from sex parties to sex droughts, date fails to diaper fetishes, and first moves to first loves. Whether you’re looking to DTR or DTF, you’ll have moments of “OMG-that-also-happened-to-me” to “I-never-thought-of-it-that-way-before.” Tune in every Wednesday to challenge the way you date in this crazy Dateable world.