Leon shares a PSA to women about how men will run all over them if they aren’t smart about dating. We discuss the tactics used to take advantage of a situation, discerning disingenuous from authentic behavior, and how to be trusting without being a doormat.
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Season 8 Episode 3: PSA to Women
00:00:00 - 00:05:01
The Dateable podcast is an insider's look into modern dating that the Huffington post calls one of the top ten podcast about love and sex. On each episode, we'll talk to real daters about. From sex parties to sex droughts, date fails a diaper fetishes and first moves to first loves. I'm your host Yue Xu, former dating coach turned dating sociologists. You also hear from my co host and producer Julie Krafchick as we explored this crazy dateable world. Some of what you're about to hear is controversial. And for some even shocking. We dateable provide a platform for everyone to tell their story. The intent of the show is to learn and grow from different perspectives. We encourage you to listen through the entire episode because there are some very important insights and takeaways while we don't commend the tactics of the guest he had positive intend to deliver a message. He thought would help women, and we were curious to learn more. So here's the episode. Hey, everyone. Welcome to another episode of data ball a show all about modern dating. Today's episode is a very important episode for all you women out there and men as well you to listen to this. We have a PSA for you all our guest Leon has a very important message to deliver to all women. We must all hear it. But first let me introduce him. He is in his early forties originally from the east coast. He's been San Francisco for three years. And also I have to just set the scenery here his girlfriend. Friend is also here she's not miked up. But we can watch all of her reactions Rome where we are as they are in a committed series relationship living together. But before we get to that what is PSA that you have to tell all women just give you a little background. I think it depends on where you are. Right. It depends on what you're looking for. When I moved here. I was not looking for a relationship. I was just looking to have a good time. And so I realized very quickly through the dating apps that you could pretty much figure out girls who are quite quote, unquote, desperate. Maybe that might be too strong of a word for certain females. But for a lot of them were looking for longtime relationships, they weren't looking for fleeing or anything of that nature. So you took that you took that information and use it to your vantage view found out pretty early that a girl was looking for a relationship, you fed her every line you needed to in order to get her in bed. It's looking for the balance between not becoming a quote unquote bitch, but also not becoming a doormat. So that way guys can run you over because I can tell you this guys will run you. Over and I've done it many many times. Oh, wow. Now again, it goes back to where you are in that relationship spectrum. Right. And when I was doing this. I was more in the I'm just looking to have fun. But I know full well that I can't tow girls. I'm looking to half on because Owens gonna wanna meet up with me, you might get that one out of one hundred that does. But that's just too much work. How can you tell the girls leaking for? We'll see this is the other thing you gotta be careful on on. How you set the parameters when you dating usually girls under thirty generally not how so I didn't waste my ties h thing. Yeah. And you mentioned women appeared desperate of signs of quote, I eight or not even I said actually, a good majority of them just do the texting through the app or even go off up on your phone. They will ask you flat out. What are you looking for right? I'm looking for a committed long-term relationship. I'm looking to start a family, very very clear there is no effect abouts about it. And and they want to hear a very clear response back from you. So I learned I would say I would. Against her. Because I thought oh, you know, I don't wanna lead anyone on the very beginning. So I wouldn't say I think that's what I want to get to and and the smarter ones or or the ones who clearly had maybe more experienced or just didn't wanna waste time, which is cut me off. Or would even flat out say. Yeah, I'm looking for someone who actually knows what he wants now who wants a relationship. So then I took that info and use it for other girls and realize okay, tell them what they want. What are you looking for looking for a long term relationship? So am I, but then sometimes the girls can pick up, right? The guns who've been to the dating scene could pick up like he's just feeding me lines. So what you do is you beat him to it. When you're on the text. You ask them what they're looking for. Oh shit. You tell them what you want quote, unquote. I'm looking for a long-term relationship. I'm looking to start a family. What are you looking for actually is looking for this stuff? They're fought. Literally. So for some of these dating apps, you have the option of saying, I'm looking for something serious. I'm looking for something casual or I'm looking for marriage. It's like actually very explicit. So would you say the girls who say I'm looking for marriage. It's like game on this is like, yo you have to be smart on how you approach those goes, right? Because those girls, you know, they have their filters up. They're pretty good about filtering out the guys who are just in it to just, you know, basically, hit it and quit it. So what you do is with those girls you wanna come on to full on because then it's just a little bit. You know, you say, look, I'm very serious with an eventual view to get getting to marriage by. But I think if you come out and say, I want to get married I wanna get married. They might say the sky is a little bit. You know, why why so quickly? So you play that.
00:05:01 - 00:10:01
And look to be a lot of the guys that San Francisco is just socially awkward, really inept. So as long as you act normal, these girls would just eating out of your head Phoebe playing into what you know, they want in that you can provide that and go from there exactly I feel like somebody's lines. I've definitely heard because I appreciate quote unquote authenticity from guy who's like, I definitely wanna long-term relationship. I'm just a little bit more careful this time yet is that a line done is exactly along because the thing is that girls have this idea in their head that look guys aren't very sensitive. There aren't emotional did not going to open up. So as a guy if you take that information, and you provide all that. And you exactly what you said. You know, I've been hurt before I've been divorced before I've been whatever doesn't I don't. I don't want to give up on love. I wanna have a relationship because like, wow, he's really open. He's really sensitive. He's really serious. And he's willing me a complete stranger to really open up to me. This guy can't be a dick. This guy. Can't be a player. They still like now we have the girl. Yeah. Honoring all over yet. Because clearly they're super inches. How do you then manage? Yes, you're clearly not really looking for what's next. What's the point of this? So ultimately, it's actually to get some in the bedroom. Yeah. It goes back with her saying, it's also age girls on the thirty. Generally, I found where just kind of looking at weren't really wanted to be serious. So didn't waste time with them. Because I know this is big stereotype guys. Like, oh, are you talking? What are you girls over forty on your up you want to go for the twenty year old just out of college? So hot level up. But the twenty year old just out of college is so flaky, right? And she's probably seeing twenty other guys. I was gonna ask why not just go for the doesn't want to release. Yeah. It's really funny. She's not the one who's just going to go around give it up this myth stereotype laugh. Yeah. The girl who's just not looking for a relationship. She's not going to sleep with you on the first date. All people think that they're like, oh, yeah. She's the easy one. But three -ality of the matter is that girls. Don't want to seem like a slot. They're not gonna just like, oh, I met this guy. I'm just going to sleep with him on the first date. So you're basically saying anyone that wants a full relationship if you can show that you're at the plea. There's like an emotional attached. Bingo, a not tell you get them to the defense. And that's how you get into bed and also girls who are not looking for relationship. Aren't gonna put all their eggs in one basket 'cause they're kind of like just playing the delay are just wanted graduated college moved to San Francisco or whatever city, and I just want to see what's out there. So I'm not gonna commit to one guy. And sure I'm not saying she won't sleep with you. And they're not assessable as much as exactly because they know they can play hard to get because they know that if you're going to be difficult. I've twenty other guys falling to get them to bed as fast as easily as someone over thirty. Yes, generally with but having said that I'm not saying that you can get a girl who's over thirty into bed on the first date. Neither. Okay. Right. But it's, you know, where you're progressing because you have a lot more control because you know, that again, this is just my assessment but girls in their thirties generally early thirties. They're starting to thing. Yeah. You know? Maybe I should get into family. You know, tonk clock whatever girls over thirty five to forty. They're getting there. There's a little bit more urgency is it's rare these days where you need a guy. And then next thing, you know, you're not going to date him for three months or six months, and you're going to get married and it happens, but. It doesn't happen often. So you got to think. Okay. If you're thirty five thirty six year old woman. Right. You made a guy it's probably an repugnant dating for a year. At least maybe two pushes you back to your thirty seven thirty. Right. You might now. Then you get married you some people get married and how babies right away or you say want to spend a year travelling puts thirty eight thirty nine now. Now, you starting to get it depends on you might want one kid. So you want three then it gets a little you're literally going to be pregnant year after year after. This woman's not gonna wait like three months to have sex with you because they want to like get show on the road. Well, no that woman is more inclined to get into a relationship, which then allows you to get the sex so women's strength in future. Planning plays into your game. That makes I wouldn't say strengthen future planning. It's more like women's concern. Is there Zaidi about future planning, it's really perverse, but taking their fears, and you turning it and using it to your advantage. So let's say you're in this like pseudo relationship now at this woman. What happens next what you've got to be careful about is that when you get into the pseudo relation you got one. You don't ever say, we you, and I are exclusive right, right? You never bring it up. If she tries to bring it up, you kind of try to kick the can down the road a little bit come up with some reason. I'm busy at work. Oh, let's think about it. You know, whatever you find a reason keep delaying keep delaying it. But if she puts her foot down, you don't ever say, I'm not looking for that you trying to delay it. Yeah. You never talk about it. It's a minute. The girl brings it up as a guy would you need to do you cut it off. Because if you don't cut it off, then right? I mean, you could be a true dick and just keep her literally to the very end. But then you're going to deal with the whole world of hell and pain at the end.
00:10:02 - 00:15:00
So you just at that point. You just say, look, I don't think I'm ready for that. And then you leave it to the girl because then girl can say, okay, I've wasted six months. Whatever it is. Right. You generally, you don't go year to she's gonna pull if she doesn't think plug on you. Then she kind of deserves to be taken. You go six months be three. Right. If she doesn't put her foot down and pull the plug at you at that point. Then you say, okay. Well, generally, some of these girls is just so they haven't met a guy like you or something like that. So they'll say, okay, I'll just continue on until you'll ready. But then you guy needs to be careful. You can't spend every day of the week with her because she's going to still think like, oh, this is growing you gotta pull back a little bit. So let's go back a little bit. So after you send these messages through these apps, and then you meet up in person describe the tactics from like the first state to the second. Yeah. You saw Texan, right? He needs a hook. You can't just be. I'm a guy you gotta have something unique and different right? It doesn't example with something unique in different all you have to do is distinguish yourself slightly because everyone there's so much monotony here in the bay area that you just just be something different. So you take what it is generally? And you try to find a way to kind of nuance. It again you just steer them differently. Maybe they're so trying to have a guy just. And babble about. Yes. I'm a founder. Yes. I'm an engineer. Yes. I'm a developer, and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. You just get her talking about like have you seen the new piece of art at the moment. There's a new exhibit. Or did you see I saw the same thing when I was in the Louvre in Paris. You just get her thinking globally more internationally. You're basically show that you're different you have different characteristics different traits different interest. It's quite basically just be interesting. Bingo. So she finds it interesting. You just hit her up and us have we carry this conversation in a in a bar. I went to typical first-eighth always go for a drink. Because sometimes you don't wanna be catfish some of these girls that show that photos, aren't might not be the same and you wanna have an easy out. And you never take a girl out for dinner right now might be for a separate podcast on what goes on. But some of these girls, I know are out there have been very explicit. Yeah. I'm only go on dates because I need to eat from guys point of view. I guess PSA guys is that don't ever go on a dinner date for the first day. Always make it a drink date. And if it goes, well, you can turn it into a dinner. What about a drink over? Or like, something even less effort like a walk topping? Yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah. You could you could do that as well. I generally find that doing a drink. It just lowers. Everyone's inefficient angle is. Yeah. Angles to have that. Okay. So then I date, and let's say there's no sex happy. Which is which is what I expect ninety percent of the time. So you expect there to be a second. So expect that it'd be a second date use it put the ball in the girl's court, meaning you tell her I had a great time. If you want to do it, again, let me know. No. Because you don't. Yeah. Because you don't want to look like the desperate guy because if you've hooked her, and you know, that she likes you for whatever reason because you're interesting, different, etc. You want her to know that I got a bunch of other girls in the lineup. So you need to show me why I should be going on. I'm guessing you did have a bunch of girls. Yeah. That you never do one at a time. You get a bunch lined up. What's a bunch five or six they're all at different stages to for state second date. It's like our man funnel. Yeah. That kennel episode often seeing these girls like in a given month. Like, how do you keep them on rotation depends on the level of interest? If you know that the interest is pretty high you actually slow it down. I know it sounds counterintuitive if you haven't slept with them yet. Do you speed it up to sleep yet? You try to speed up. Right. But you gotta be careful. You don't want to do a Friday date and then do a Saturday day. Right. Even if she asked you I had a great time. How about do something tomorrow? Oh, no. I've I've something already planned how about next week with okay. Okay. Exactly. Because if you because you will find out pretty quickly like there's no other girl in the rotation. He likes me she might play a game back. You don't know. Maybe not maybe she is. But you got to keep them spaced out and also just for your own sanity. And also if one ever drops out you never have to worry about their all pile up in the beginning of the cycle, or they're all the end. They're all spread out. So you can definitely play it easily at what point do you say I'm giving up on this girl too much effort. Right. Yeah. If you're not even really a lot of effort to well, if that's exactly it if she if she's too much effort. I e if you're trying to go on maybe the second date, and you're trying to get a bit more intimate. Whether it's a hand holding a kiss on cheek or something and she still a bit frigid. Yeah. You don't bother you just look or if she really goes in hard, and this is probably more for girls that you've gone further down the line with and says, I want to do something with you. I wanna be in a relationship. I wanted to be exclusive, you know, adjust us, whether it's just a physical thing. I want to be sexual exclusive with you which is wanted. Be relationship exclusive with you because you don't want that. And I guess there's a little bit of consciousness comes in. You don't wanna feel like addict by saying, yes, I agree. And then you're out sleeping what everyone else? So you cut him off at that point. Or you slow it down down.
00:15:00 - 00:20:01
Don't see him as often if all of a sudden your day someone they slow it down. They're going to start the definitely, but but the thing is that you've never agreed to becoming exclusively thought. So she's net. Yes. So and if she ever tries to you just we talking Goto excuses that you have a million easiest one is work. Really busy with work. Always thinking I need to travel to somewhere for a week. Yeah. We get is busy with another one. I basically said I moved away all my like permanently transfer being. Were transferred me back to east coast? I remember that. What would happen if she saw you? I. Exactly, I had this thing planned out if I did get caught because she knew that I was doing a lot of work here. Worked transferred me back to the east coast. Sudden move had to go move out immediately. Don't they can do long distance. But hey, while NASA raw of the road. Right. She agrees go over. But you know, exactly people say, what would you do if she runs into oh just visiting for work. I was just about to text you. I just got into day, but are you ever afraid because if you're dating five to six people in time in a very small city like San Francisco, aren't you ever afraid you're gonna run into one while you're on date with another? That's a notch happened. Right. But but you're never exactly yeah. There's never assumption. In fact, I actually enjoyed it. When I did run into a date with someone another girl there. You know, you don't flaunt it. Right. You don't wanna be interface about it? You just kind of aknowledge, right? And then you keep going on with and get out of there. But you know, that now she knows now she's really into. She's got a step up her game because she's seen the new girl. And then you grow might be hotter than you. More tractive, you might be whatever thinking like or really this guy. And he's obviously on this date with this girl, they seem close intimate whatever. And you know, the NFL girls are just really had and they will say, you know, specific type of personality as candidate for. No, that's true. That's true. And even called you out anything. Plenty of times you just cut him off. All right because you have nothing to lose. You're not looking for relationship. Exactly how many dates do you allow without sex before you cut them off? There's no there's no set number Kosonen girls. Like, you get it. You get a pretty good feeling what? While she's really hot relief. I'm not gonna say this to dates, and it has to be sex on the third and just give her up. No. You gotta see how it's progressing, and if you realize that it is getting there you throw a little patience. It's every every girl is unique. So you it depends on how you sign like if they're not moving at any pace than exactly yeah. Some kind of real we're she sort slowing it down. Like, I'm not naive. I know that she's dating other guys she swiping. And so if she's meeting other guys as she slowing it down on my end, I'm not gonna make massive efforts numbered. The goal is to sleep with our. So I'm not going to bend over backwards for her because it's twenty others that I can work with other tactics. I think one of the easiest ones for God to do that. If you match with a bunch of girls, and you know, they're still fairly warm and even if they're not warm on a. Friday, Saturday night, really doesn't matter. But you get probably a higher chance of a return on a Friday Saturday, maybe even Thursday. She just mass text them, right, obviously, individually. But you say something say, you know, hey, what's going on? Hey, what's up like something generic? But sometimes if you can remember something about the girl, right? Just like, you know, hey, how was that trip? Did you ever finish that work project? You know, if there a student or something because it adds a little bit of personal miss Frank. So she feels that. Oh, wow. He remembered me, and it's simple. It doesn't have you don't have to go into detail. It is so high level like, oh how did that haircut? Go. But you gotta make sure you get it. Right. He actually met before is the people you met with before you went on dates, and you progress pretty well. And for one reason another they might it might die because they got busy. You got busy. You just lost touch. And so, you know, if it's a slow night, you text fifteen twenty these girls, right? There's a high chance motions twenty because there's a high chance most of them are going to say, no, we're not respond, eight months and months of Younger the younger. because you have to think as a guy as a guy, you would think some of these girls have come and such. And this is I guess the tip to the girl if any guy text you last minute late at night on on a prime date night, Friday or Saturday. He's not looking to take you out to dinner because he wants to reconnect he wants to take you to bed. Right. And so most of them, the smart ones won't reply some of them will just tell you to F off. But then the ones who do you gotta get you. Once you get them hooked. You gotta get a good banter going. But the key is that soon as they say, yes, you gotta start booking them in can't think, oh, I want to go out with Rachel. But Michelle texted. I will let me keep Michelle on hold because Michelle might get might not just lose interest in walkaway so minute Michelle says, yes, and she she wants to go on a date with you that night or have a drink you book Renfrew, eight o'clock. Rachel comes back in our later and says, oh, I want to do eight who do you think you have a better chance with right move them. Forward. Move them later depends.
00:20:02 - 00:25:01
Because the way I looked at it. Is that if she was she needed more time, I couldn't get with her Friday. It'd have to be a Saturday thing she'd go earlier in the night, if it was a girl that I knew I can get he'll be ten eleven o'clock because there's not much you're going to be doing at that hour. Right, right. Most restaurants are closed in San Francisco. So only be drinking. Yeah. I generally, you know, I'm not saying it's one hundred percent guarantee. But it was a pretty high hit rate. Yeah. That you set up those girls, and you just move everyone around, and and let's say you get four or five that do reply back, and you can't see all four or five you just pick the best ones and the most reliable ones, you gotta get them in and the others. You just, you know, make up some excuse, you know, what actually I'm not feeling well on that. Now, can we do tomorrow at if they're responsive you got something for tomorrow, if they're not shrug your shoulders because you're probably gonna get some tonight nothing to lose exactly except for your dignity. And the girls they just have to keep with their foot down. And it's it's the ones who kind of avoided all this were the ones who said. No, thank you. Or just didn't reply back to me unless you're looking if you're looking for Midi. Yeah. If you're looking for good. Yeah. Everyone's happy. I'll good for women that obviously don't want wanna relation. Yeah. Don't really care. If you're see someone consistent if it's going anywhere. But I guess like if you are a woman that wants a along term relationship, there is false hope that this person seemed like they were on the same page in. They're not what is your advice to women to avoid these types of situations. Alrighty, let's take a break from the show and talk about smelling. Good. 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Native carries many unique sense for men and women as well as unscented formulas in a big soda free formula for those sensitive, ladies, and for our listeners only get twenty percents off your first purchase to visit native deodorant dot com and use the code dateable during checkout again, go to a T V E D odorant dot com and use the code DAT. AB L E for twenty percent off your first purchase. Now back to the show. What is your advice to women to avoid these situations? Well, I think I think the first thing to do you need to speak up as is progressing. There's nothing wrong on having that conversation. And if the guy says, you know, if he was all on first date or on text, I want to have a relationship. That's. And then, you know, then you getting a bit more serious, and you bring it up. See, you know, can we be exclusive or anything like that? And he kinda rolls back. You got to put your foot down to that point. Because if the guy really likes you he will do what he needs to do. How busy he is at work, zap comics Trab travel. He will he will face time. You from you know, if you really has to travel like I've done it a few times where you you kind of realize oh crap. This girl is going to pull the Ripcord guess what the word trip got canceled. I can I can meet you Friday, how as a woman disapper between some of the actually does have the word shrimp or actually like does. Get like. Yeah. Come it was authentic versus somebody. We'll look. Yeah. Of course, you want every relationship to be built on trust. Right. So there's an element that trust. You have to have that that person is actually going to be on a workshop, but as a girl, but then you gotta to be practical. So tell him give me a call from wherever you are. I don't care if you're on the other side of the world. I don't care if you're on the east coast give me a call. Let's do a quick, you know, ten minutes, five minutes of Skype or face. Time whatever before you go to that. If he's not receptive to that. Then you start dancing, then you sort thinking. But then again, you know, these are these aren't absolutes. Right. Right. But then you know, the way I look at it is I if he likes you that much he will make literally of even if it's two minutes, you'll call him and say, look, I'm busy as hell. I just wanted to say, hi or or send you a text or whatever it is. I'm saying don't take the text because you can do suck some anywhere. I've been on worked trips to the east coast. But I'm sitting in San Francisco. Hey, having a great time in exit again, it's the practical bit and you wanna you wanna see him. I'm still struggling though is like how do you know if someone's playing you? I think Leon is saying is he will make that extra effort if he is really into you. But you can feel it with they're not making that extra. You know, when they go away for a week, and you don't hear from them. That's not making extra even if they're like ob-, so busy. There was no internet, right? We've talked about how women can identify when a guy's playing her. How can a woman identify when a guy is ready? I mean, I touched upon briefly. I think guys will show signs assuming that you're not dealing with the very immature youngster most guys who are ready.
00:25:01 - 00:30:01
We'll we'll actually take the steps they're going to be. They don't mind, you know, there are a lot more mature and more confident in themselves. So they don't mind being sent quote unquote, sensitive and letting you know, I love you. I want to take the next step. I want to have a relationship with you. I wanna move in with you have a family, etc. They won't play the games with you. They will in many ways bend over backwards. So that way, you're happy and. So that way you're always aware that they are there is interest. Because these guys they probably took a long time to find you. They're not going to think like your diamond dozen. I'm just gonna find another fantastic girl like you. So they don't wanna lose you. But if you just look into sleep with of course, they don't care because they know they'll be another member Allah shit about you. Because if you're juggling six people, I bet it's really hard to Rebecca. Well, actually, I've talked to Leone about this before. And he is like before every day. You just got to remember one thing they said on the last day for that can save us this as a siren Denver. You had this quarrel with your boss that go. Yeah. That's that's and they love it. Because then they say well you option listens. 'cause I just said that as a sign of being I guess there's a way around, but. But but for the guy who is ready interested when a girl does bring up the exclusively talk ROY Moore, he brings it up at least he's not dodging you will confront it straight away. There's a new dating term called stashing where someone you're dating doesn't introduce you to their close family and friends, and maybe you've been dating for a really long time. But you just haven't met when you were doing all this game playing. Did you introduce these girls to any of your friends? Never never never never that is because when the minute you do that, then the girl starts thinking, this is super serious. So so you net with family does. No question about it. Right. You do not do the family at all. But close friends even that is is is just you don't want to cross that line. Because then you send a signal I'm being serious. I'm even introducing to my inner circle of friends in my best, friends, guys and girls, and so she might start picking up, and then you could have a great sexual relationship, which you just ruined. Because then she might think, oh, I feel comfortable now asking you the exclusivity question, then you just gotta shoot it out of the water. So you never do that. You find excuses for back the fine to right? I wanna know when you're going through this was there anybody that you were like, I can actually see my helping in a relationship with this person actually have feelings. So basically explain how I progressed in my thinking of relationships. So when I first got here, it was just I'm having a great time. Don't want to get locked out. Just have a bunch of fun. Then obviously with every year that passes you start thinking differently. And he said, look, actually, I am happy to get into a relationship right now. But until I find that girl. Bill, I'm going to still have fun. So you're playing the same game with these girls who trying to sleep with them. But now you're throwing an extra filter that the girls asleep. You really early like I date probably not gonna have relationship with them as much as I like to think that I'm some stud. She's probably doing it with other dudes as well. Really if that will use it. Yeah. Okay assumption. I could be wrong. But you know, it just gives me comfort knowing that. Because generally girls who are going to sleep with guys on the first date without knowing anything about them. You makes it just makes you raise an eyebrow. In thing. These strongest connection say without a strong connection with you. And then as you progress in let's say, you do me to girl as you sleep in around. And that girl turns out to be the one like, wow, I can actually pursue a relationship with her you actually, slow her down because you actually make efforts right? But at the same time you don't go overboard. You don't say, hey, I'm gonna date with you Friday. Let's meet Saturday. Let's meet Sunday you still space around because she could be wrong. Right. Maybe just had a great first day. And I've had the great I states in the second year. Like, oh, actually not that. Great. And then maybe, but if you have a good second, you're like, okay, promising third fourth, and if it keeps progressing, that's great. So what you end up doing is at you you slow her down. But you keep the other girls in rotation because you just don't know what's going to happen with that girl. Right. It might not work out with our and you don't want to be left with nothing because you cut everyone else off, right. You're not exclusive with her yet. But once you do obviously hit exclusivity clearly have to cut the other ones off. But those are easy because you just go some or you just let them know. Hey, not looking for a relationship from multiple people who've said when I met someone that I really like. Act. I started dating other people more. Yes. I wanted to know that I really liked this comparison. No. That's definitely true. I think for me personally, I didn't do that. Because I'd already metal people prior. I went in the I wanna have fun. So I saw the whole range girls and some of those girls in another place in time could have been like, wow, that's go from zero. So I know she won't give it up easily. So I'm not gonna waste my time. So I guess what changed for you like happen when you your crank girlfriend others bit of charity. She was someone who had a lot of similar interests that I had I found it very interesting versus a lot of these other girls who literally I mean, cookie cutter this cookie cutter things working intact their level of interest is confined to the bay area. Like for me, more than international background is is a lot more interesting.
00:30:01 - 00:35:01
But that's my personal preference. Others might you know, might enjoy someone who's very local very insular. Everyone's very different a unique in their own way is just that the way we present ourselves on social media in an on these dating apps. It's always the same for everyone has an exact same profile case it when you met your current girlfriends were you like in the mentality. Still just wanna have fun. In if it works out it works out, or where were you at a million dollar question, isn't timing? Or is it the person it's a little bit of both. There were other girls that I met, and I said these girls objectively could be great girlfriends, but I just was not into them. Okay. Me personally. And I was in that phase of on looking for a girlfriend. So you were looking so. Yeah. So when I met her switch side before we unto not yet switch from play to like be ready. Well, I think you this point where you just get exhausted. You know, I guess it is true. You can't have too much sex. Like is sustainable for Mandy. I mean, there are guys that I know we've been doing this for years, and probably will continue to this fears aren't looking for long term relationships. But I think for me what I am looking for in LIFE III, stable relationship, family, etc. It's not sustainable if you just messing around. Right. Right. So do you guys will never grow out of this? Oh, definitely. I see them all the time. My friends. They just never grow up in this area than most other cities that I've lived in because this area is you live in a bubble. It's very Peter Pan. Right. And everyone point your friends, all sir aging and start having kids and family. Don't you think you feel only at that point you do, but as fucked up as sounds as a guy you still can live in that little fairy tale world because you just go down and hanging out with the younger younger friend. Yeah. You're more mature more confident in yourself. If you've done a good job on keeping in shape, and you could still pretty good. And you know, let's face it. The vast majority will hopefully be in a financially stable position, and you're not gonna have any other obligations, right? Because you don't have a family. You don't have children, you're on go and whatever. So you can spend in these girls that are just coming into town didn't have an experienced these things and you're just lavish near being lavish. They're they're loving it lapping it up. So you could still just rotate through them pretty quickly all manned. Subconsciously are like this. Or do you think that just like some are more conscious than others about their tactics? I think the lottery, I think some are more conscious than others. This requires a lot of thinking. Yeah. It definitely sounds like this isn't off the cough like I just dacha while Pat myself, so I think that a lot of the guys are actively think this through and say, this is what I want depending on what phase they are. What percentage of guys do you think will? Oh my God. That's a fair. On his. Data study in depth pizatti on that we can call people eighty-five way too. I don't know. I was going to say it's well over fifty percent. I look at my guy friends who even married or in long term relationships not that they've cheated right or will cheat. Oh, but you know, the things they say when they see girls they're just with the other guys. No one was watching they'd probably dip in the pond thing if I didn't have the biological ticking clock. If I didn't have these societal pressures or family precious, if I could just keep going dating a ton of men who will always find me attractive. Why wouldn't have exotic? Yeah. Happy time. And they're and they're all be different at certain points. Right. So they're all different interests. If you know be very interesting from the flip side, the guy knows that you especially if you do wanna family, right? They he knows that there is a ticking clock there, and he can use it to his advantage. But then there's girls this is great. I didn't get touched this. But then this girl's over forty not don't want. But if given up on the idea of child, right, they might have eggs frozen. That's like the new thing now. But in their mind, they're thinking, probably not can meet a guy probably not going to have. Family, etc. That's those are the ones you can take advantage of were you because they are they they're really ready to rush. Right. You meet them. It's it's right away you show inches. You know, and like you just do a little homework before you go on a date with them look at this site. And if they have a public social. This is really good to now. Like the way I think a lot of men would never come out and flat out say the course. Thank you Leon for the now, I hate all men. Thank you. What I would say what are some of our takeaways from having this conversation. What you said in the beginning is when women put their foot down. That's when you cut it off because you're in that game playing mode, and so for for all of us, we need to know our values in our standards, and what what we're able to tolerate right at some point. You gotta say this make me feel good anymore. I'm not going to stand for the and there's a fine line. Like, you should have a threshold. You can't because I know some people hold out hope say, oh, maybe he had a stressful week stressful day, he was just being difficult it shouldn't right. He should be having a fantastic time with you because he did have a special day. So that thirty minutes or our date.
00:35:01 - 00:40:12
He has with you. He should be while this is fantastic. You know, you made me feel better, etc. So you shouldn't be difficult and cut you off. Because if it if he does again, it's not an absolute. But there's a probably a good chance that that's how you relationship in the future is going to be as well. I think a good takeaway is like if you know what you want and someone's not meeting it not baking. On their future. Anything they said at the early stages. Yeah. Has the reality of people can say whatever they want think like sometimes people we'd people in and out on dating apps. Like, if they're like what he looking for like, you mentioned that was the first thing you said, and I've had those conversations to and I think it's good. If you only outright weed out the people at want like a hookup only, but I don't think you can Bank on them saying, I why relationship and also doesn't mean they wanna release with you. You've been met you yet. That's exactly it. It's like taking words at face value in like following up with these actors get into rink reaffirming later on as you as you move on. That's kind of what we learned from the man funnel episode where we were taught that in the first ninety days, you just got really listen to the other person because they're not really lying or telling you they're intentions in. What what they want out of this? Right. So they're not talking about exclusively or relationship in those first ninety days, you just have to listen to it yet. Or if you're like, don't see a progressing Adams time spent together or just like a motion vit- availability in their opposite, making excuses that work is crazy or all that. I think there's a line in this is the top prize. You gotta give you mentioned at the very beginning. Like, you can't be a total bitch. It'd be like, oh, you're not going on vacation. Like, I don't trust you right here. What's that balance? Like, I think you need to be I trusting then if it continues to be excuse after gas like don't be dumb. Don't give him too. I mean, look. Yeah. You. You you need to maybe give him the first chance, maybe a second. Even if you really like him. But yeah, if you keep giving it like going back to what you're saying. Then you become a doormat and the guy will run over you take that. And just keep you hanging on for as long as possible as long as he keeps getting what he wants us on the flip side don't wanna like call some guy out. Deathbed super. Fuck you now, or some volunteer trade like Africa this exactly, but I feel guys will if they're being genuine and honest, and they and they really like they will let you know. I'm so sorry. I really wanted to make that date next Friday. But I can't because of this going to make it up to you. They will do something tangible. If they leave it very open. I mean, generally, probably means they're either trying to do, you know, a slow ghost or trying to hope that you get the hint and you don't call anymore. Then that's easy way out. I questioned the day. Let's to create delay. On this one comes from Sonia. I've been seeing this guy for close to three years. It feels like our plans are very last minute on his terms, and we don't see each other consistently probably about once every couple of months when I do reach out to ask him to do stuff. He's typically outta town. We're working he has a very demanding job. But when we are together things are so good. He tells me how great we could be as a couple. I rather have him in my life in a small capacity. Then none at all. And I think ultimately he'll come around. Am. I just setting myself up for failure, the whole absolute. This sounds textbook me. Dayton sophia. You. Right. Right. I wouldn't have gone three years though. Right. Three years. No. I think flat out. Absolutely. He is the playing you. And if he isn't at he does truly like you need to put your foot down because you said you'd rather have a little bit of him in your life. Right. Then losing completely. And he probably knows that. And that's why he's running all over you. Of course, when you're together he's gonna make you sound like you're the only person in the world. That's exactly what every guy does. That's exactly what I did. Because you have no one else to distract you at that moment in time. So you talk to her new keeper. And you've got to also be apologetic. You're making up for all those cancellations the last minute modifications to your schedule, etc. So you've got to treat her like an absolute Queen. And then the end result is basically what she feels you'll ever come around race, Tom just high level. No. And he will let it continue because she allows it to continue. She needs to put her foot down and basically say to him. Hey, we need spend more time to get it. None of this last minute stuff. We've been dating for three years for God's sake his side. Why is he? Letting this drag on for three years ago. He's probably getting a lot of good cookie. It's consistent is getting it for three years straight. He might get some others on the side. But even if he doesn't for three years Jesus, that's a long long longtime marriages last that long. Thank you Leon every time. I feel like I learned something new about men at species that we love so much. Not that bad. I know you're not that bad. I think all in all what we've learned is you just have to listen to your partner, and listen to what they're telling you because people are telling you what they're looking for and second, you gotta know your values your standards, you gotta have this set of standards for yourself that you feel most comfortable with and if you feel like someone's compromising those standards than it's time to put your foot down.
00:40:12 - 00:41:57
That's exactly right out of this. And if you do meet Leon on you can ask him for more advice. Thank you so much there. You have it ladies PSA for all women. Hey women. Do you have a PSA for men share? We love. Have you as a guest on our show? Maybe lighten Leon us. Well played again. No freaking idea his girlfriend's going to tax me after this. It'd be like actually. As a playing this game. That's getting still getting the cookie. That's all. Okay. Anyway, we're still looking for guests for season eight we love to have you as a guest on our show. Thank you so much Leon again and your girlfriend for coming to our studio and sharing your very lovely message. With everyone let's wrap this up. Stay little your action item for this week is to stop being selective in what you want to hear pay attention to the whole picture and see if actions match up two words also for all the women out there. Don't be scared off by this episode. The right match still exists at not all men are in. This mindset. Want to continue the conversation. I tag us in any post with hashtag stay dateable, then head on over to our website dateable podcast dot com there you'll find all the episodes as well as articles videos and our coaching services with vetted industry experts. You can also find our premium y series where we dissect analyze and offer solutions to some of the most common dating conundrums to connect with us. Find dateable podcast on Facebook, Instagram and Twitter. We're also downloadable on Spotify. I tunes and other podcasts platforms your feedback is valuable to us. So don't forget to leave us a review on I two and most importantly, remember to say. Dateable?