Kiran shares one of his quirkier dates that stood out over the years – and the awkwardness that occurred along the way. We discuss making the most of the situation, when to introduce friends to your dates, and how to determine when it’s time to cut your losses.
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Season 8 Episode 5: Saved by the Bell (Pepper)
00:00:00 - 00:05:04
The Dateable podcast is an insider's look into modern dating that the Huffington post calls one of the top ten podcast about love and sex. On each episode, we'll talk to real daters about. From sex parties to sex droughts, date fails a diaper fetishes and first moves to first loves. I'm your host Yue Xu, former dating coach turned dating sociologists. You also hear from my co host and producer Julie Krafchick as we explored this crazy dateable world. Everyone. Welcome to another episode of dateable a show all about modern dating. We haven't really had a quirky dating story in a while. So in our quest that were a fun lighthearted? Dating story. Kieran our guest is here to satisfy our needs. And our you good. Thank you for having leaks for coming and telling us telling us your story. I want to introduce you to our listeners. I here's thirty five years old. He's lived in Barrio for seven years currently in Oakland, virtually from Connecticut, currently in a monogamous relationship, not in a monogamous relationship with the person you're about to tell the story about correct, correct? Okay. Tell us this very quirky. Dating story you encountered. Okay. I guess just starting at the beginning at the time. I'm not even sure exactly what year. It was a few years back is doing a lot of internet dating. Okay. Cupid dating. Specifically at that time. But yeah, I'd been on a number of okay cupid dates and some some good some others. Not. And I figured I was just try dating people that were a little bit different. If I saw something that's interesting about them. Okay. I came across the skirl who she had a lot of just like athletic things in her profile. She did Admiral yoga, and it was something. I I don't I still don't know anything about it. Maybe I see people doing it indoors Parker, and I just figured like I'll I'll reach out to her so hard profile stood out. Yeah. Just. Yeah. The photos, and I guess I hadn't seen that stuff before. Like battery of this stuff is is much before. Maybe it's more common. Now, I think it's hard to thing. It's a thing. Now is the big Netflix couple years ago. I could see lien I were just before, you know. Still not that much of a thing silver profile really stood out. And then you reach out to her yet. And I don't I don't remember too much about how much we went back and forth. I don't think it was like too far drawn out like a normal amount of back and forth and asking a couple questions figuring it out. And just hey, let's meet up his house. You know, is she had agreed to meet up. I think maybe I had like a couple of years or I just went for something. And the plan was to meet up at a dear mom, dear mom, was this bar that the the name actually combat hilarious story where it came from one of the owners or one of their friends in college like a story. Funny drunken story where someone fell into a Bush at the end of the night. And they had this quote, where they're like, dear mom, I love college. And it's kinda cool being urged people to bring in photos of their moms. Oh, and they put them up and decorated the bar of. Yeah. So we met up in the plan was just to to grab a drink air. Nothing more yet. So. Oh, we met up. There got their ordered some drinks. I think she ordered a glass of wine and conversation was kinda slow going. And I don't know whether she was just a quiet person ish. You know, she nervous if she got into, you know. Friday, girl. Yeah. But I thought the one odd thing was that she really didn't drink much of her drink at all like it was there, and she wasn't light basically drinking any of it. Does she bring a picture of her mom, no? Interesting gently close oh. Yeah. So yeah, we were just chatting at the bar. I don't remember really anything much about the conversation because through really it was no conversation much, not member side finished my drink, and she had had very little of hers had men eventually. She was like, hey, you know, some of my friends are at so mistreat food, which you like to come come over there, you know, to get something to eat. And that was like sure, and I thought it was food truck place yet when that's not familiar, so she say why she didn't drink her drink would she not drink or I didn't ask about it. Because it seems like a kind of a weird thing like get drunk like I I don't know why you would order something that you it's not like I ordered the drink for her. And she just try it or something. So I mean, yeah. Get whatever you want or or there was never any like, hey, can we not go to a bar? Can we do something? But anyways. So she asks me, hey, would I like to go to some street food her friends are there? And I thought it was kind of like a I mean, I wouldn't do that on first. Stay right. A lot to meet people like attack. But I wasn't intimidated by or nervous about that. I thought that was kinda cool. Maybe it was a good sign. You know that like she was willing to introduce me to her friends in though.
00:05:04 - 00:10:00
Yeah, we had just met each other. So I figure I was hungry too. So why not so so why not go over there is a short walk. So we get there. And there's a lot of options there, you can vegan food vegetarian food. If all you want to eat as meat or tons of options there, basically everything it's like any food truck under the sun Yang watch like a whole park food trucks. Yeah, we kinda split up to just do it do around in figure out what we wanted to eat. Each ends. Did a loop came back. She asked me like, hey, is there is there anything did you find anything you want to eat? And I said, yeah, I think I'd talk if I remember correctly. I said what about you? And she's like, oh, there's nothing here for me. I didn't question it. But it was the strange thing. I'm like. You gotta be like at least twelve options here. Okay. A food. So I went and got my food anyway. And then her friends were on that school bus that you can sit inside and chat. So I think I got my food and I met in there. And maybe I met some of the friends, but it was weird me just kind of sitting on the end. Yeah. Really a part of the conversation. Yeah. Or I'm not sure if they knew who you are who I even. Yeah. They or anything I'm just kind of like sitting on the end. Maybe she introduced me like a just like, hey, I don't know if she used the label, but it was kind of like, a here's my friend this, and you may not be like really in the conversation because there is the big group of people at this point. Did you still feel like you were on a date at this point? No because like this. Say I feel like when it's friends this early dominated even more awkward. Yeah. And you're not even in that situation. You can't even get to know someone right? Alligators per spend, the time together early take even know if you like this person or not, right? Like, I felt you wanna meet friends like eventually. But when you haven't you've been like had any foundation with each other, and that really likes strange, meet my friends type of thing. Yeah. K-? Yeah. So I'm eating my food. Not really talking to too many people. She's kind of may be saying thing or to to me slash talking to her friends, and I'm feeling at this point on like, I just wanna eat get out of your would have. Well, yeah. What is gonna happen here lake when wasting their time here? And then I'm not sure how long this actually like to happen in the meal, but cheating rubber. She had said that there's there's nothing on for her, except there was one thing for her that she had brought in her raw. Yes. So this was like this wasn't announced or anything. But I just maybe I'm sitting across from. Her. She's kind of in that conversation, and I see her pull big red bell pepper out of her back from her bag her purse. Then a trader Joe's when I remember seeing a little sticker on yet. And then what does she do the member? She took a big bite out. Like it was an apple. Less weird. If it wasn't apple I kind of feel like it would be it would be less weird. I carry for with that as a snack, but never a bell pepper. It could have been a number of things not been so strange. Obviously, you had an interesting reaction to it. What about her friend? Do they notice? I don't think they noticed or maybe they just not she is that way. Like, no one else was calling her out on or talking about it or anything, and I wasn't going to at this point. I was kind of already over it. Interesting. Did you were you are tracked it to her at any point during this quote, unquote date? I think it was the kind of thing where you're not you're not it's not that you're not attracted to the person or you're not you're not saying a physically attracted to them. But the the conversation or the chemistry is so apparent that. That's not their money. Someone could be really hot. But if you can't even talk to them, it's like what you know. Yeah. Like just come off with it like from what you're describing. Sounds like shoes. Like so aloof the whole time like kind of in her own world. The like I'm trying to envision this date. And unlike picturing, you guys like trying to make conversation her like kind of sitting at the bar like barely drinking not into that. Then going to the food not into that. Like just felt like she was like in her own worlds. Not interested in anything. Is that like how you felt or how did you feel? Yeah. And she clearly wasn't in it for the free drink either. Food. So it was like, I am I helping you pastime here killing hours laid I don't I don't know what it is just your layover till the next name. I feel I'm just trying to put myself in her shoes. I feel like those days when Aninat bad mood were not going right for me. Like, then nothing tastes good. I've want nothing. Nothing can make me happy. But then I wouldn't go on a date. If I were in that kind of like why bring you to the next destination. If you were layover like if you were like, I mean, there's just get rid of you, right? That's what I was confused about, you know, sometimes someone will say like, hey, like, I something to do. Now. It was nice meeting. You kind of make an exit and everyone knows what's going on.
00:10:01 - 00:15:00
And there's like, it's almost I don't know. I guess for you. It's almost better because then you just wasted another hour foods lets positive, but you could have gone anywhere. Perky things about this date. One is the fact that you became this tag along. Yeah. I'm pretty sure her friends did not know that she was out with you. Because I brought dates to beat my friends, but I made it very clear to my friends. So the whole time they're all about him because they wanna get to know him. Right, right. Your friends would wanna know what who were have you brought so to beat your friends on the first night. I have I'm guilty. I had why did you do it? So curious because I wanted to is. So it was a very complicated for state. We had like a drink. I and I had dinner with my friends because I want to have like that cut off period, okay linger, but I liked him so much. I wanna see him later. So he's like I'm down to meet up later you want and like while I'll be out with my friends. So he came in met up with. Okay. So that's that's why. But I made it very clear to my friends on a first date with the sky re-. I'm really into him. So he came in. They just swarmed him were just like, right? What's your name? What do you do? What are your intentions? You know, they Riley. Oh, everything about him. They definitely did not ignore him. So everyone approaches dating a little bit differently. Yeah. It sounds like you were along for the ride that she was just going on with our day. We had a friend that used to break, I surround all the time like it was girls night yet. She would bring her random Tinder data have time. And I feel like at the beginning. I was like trying to small talk event because became so many of them. And I'm like, I'm never going to see these people again, I wonder because all that's true. Like, I wonder if this isn't the first time this has happened with her friends like she's brought dates in their dislike own not again. I'm not gonna even like exert any energy valley never gonna see this dude again because I feel like even if they thought you guys were just friends, you would think they would have like tried to give you all or what's your name? Like, right it. Right. I guess we can have so many theories about what was going on through her mind, but we don't know her. So have no idea. But I think the point of this is how did this make you feel? Yeah. What are how how did you feel walking away from the state? You know, I can't save that she was being rude. All it was just what disinterest yet. It's not a rude because she invited you along. She wasn't like seal later like she was actually inviting and welcoming in a weird way. But not really disinterest is. It's almost like a worse word that rude. I almost rather someone have like a repulsive reaction to me as opposed to just disinterest. Right. Because then you feel like you're like, why might even why am I here just filling space for you? She wasn't talking very much. So I know that she wasn't asking many questions about as usually like you want to eat distribution of like felt like you're the only one asking question. Yeah. That's why it was like very, but again, she like invited me. So I kind of was like, okay. Let me going. I go when you try beginning. Sometimes people need a little time to warm up. Also, I could see why you would go where are you trying to eat your food as fast as possible exit strategy or were you still like feeling it out? I think I was still feeling out prior to the bell pepper a little bit. Like, I wasn't having agreed bell pepper who was the, Ed. I'm allergic. Yeah. It's not anything like, I guess, I I don't shy away from if there's something Corky about so. Yeah, that's completely fine. My girlfriend now as like things that might be weird about her. But I don't know they're endearing are say. They're just hers. So it's not like I needed someone to be a certain way. But it was just kind of like the final. Well, let's not thinking with this whole story is like I feel like if you guys were having a really great time getting along and all the stuff, and then she was just like others. No food for me. Here is a bell pepper. It would not have had the same reaction. Right. Yeah. I think we've said this before like you can do the same exact thing. But like if someone likes you or there is like a connection asked find it, so cute and it right? And then if you don't it's like the heck is go hand weird. Exactly. And then such a double standard visit Savell pepper for us. I know this sounds so teddy. But like what goes on through your head? When you put a bell pepper in your bag to go. On a date. Are you like for snack later or did you grocery shopping? And it was the first thing maybe grabbed out of your bag. I feel like she was like on like a back to back or something. Like, I feel like your date wasn't the only thing plan for her that day.
00:15:01 - 00:20:01
I don't know. That's just my hunch. Feels a lot of stuff going on. So like, I don't know if she was like necessarily planning for a date or just planning for her day like, but she was hungry, right? Then she say that at one point. She did go look for food. She went to look for food and didn't find anything. So then the backup plan was out the bell pepper. Have you guys ever tried to eat a bell pepper like the apple I have tried? We'll that's fair that has a heart. That's crazy about it. 'cause did she like cut it up for now. What apple? Scenes inside and what to do with this. She washed the delta, I have so many questions. Yeah. Like, I feel like if they were cut up pieces of the Bill pepper. It would have been like eating leg celery or carrying right yet like chomping into it is like very aggressive like it's just like random that like you would do that random. But maybe she's onto something maybe this was like the new health add that. In ten years. We're all going to get on it felt pepper fad. But okay. Put that aside. It's a fun story. Because at the end of this you still remember her. Yeah. Years later while you say, yeah, why why was his date so memorable? I think because we'll clearly because that hasn't happened to me before. But I think it's it's kind of the it's memorable because the not knowing where you stand when you're when you're on a date turn on subsidize out and figure out what's going on. Like, you just got no signals. Yes. That I can relate to I've been on dates where you're at a bar, and yours like whatever's happening in this environment, not working for us. So let's do a change of scenery. Maybe I have done viewings. So I've taken a guy to like, let's say a dancy kind of place where there's a dancefloor and navy. There's chemistry there. So I can see how you could change up the environment. We've seen with some of the previous dates we've interviewed you change the environment. And it's totally different feel. But it sounds like that that's not what she was doing. It sounds like she already had this. Land. Yes, she knew I think she knew that this was going on the state. It's at some point that our friends who were there or maybe she was trying to see like let it continue with you. And also be with their friends, maybe like a multi tau type of thing. I don't know. Maybe she was like trying to suss it out a little more as well. Yeah. That's true. So how how did the state end? Yeah. It kind of just ended ended with me can slipping off. Like, it's nice meeting you and like, I'm I'm gonna head home. How did that happen were they all like all her friends talking and your dislike I gotta go or like this the scene? I probably picked out like a moment where she wasn't talking to someone. She wasn't sitting that far away for me. But like the friends were kind of on one end. And I was at the other end then shoes in the middle of U2. or she was kind of on the end of her friends. Like, I don't think I was even really sitting next to. You're like added difference. Hey you. Band people mixed like one of those big as were there could be different people sentenced sitting at them. Also so much more awkward 'cause like that's like not even like, you're sitting at a T-ball like forced to get to know these people you're like you'll way. Aw. Yeah. You're like one but chief on, but she ought to like yell to them even try to make conversation. Right. Okay. So then you you saw an opportunity to say goodbye. And I just left and there was Zet. Yes. She she stayed there. She'll get up to like hug you or anything. I remember that it was kind of like in my mind. Anyway, it was kind of just like I got up and left. Did you ever talked to her again? I don't think so I hope I not. hope not I hope I would have got. I don't think. So no. What did you tell your friends like I'm just so curious like what you're reacting? I feel like if this happened to be I would have been texted UA like the second I left this place about this. Like what the fuck? I don't think I did it like did it right away. But actually another part of it that I do remember. And why this was just such a didn't wanna give it a chance was the food thing where I have been on a couple dates, and maybe it's not fair because someone could be nervous eating for the first time in front of someone some people have that. But the the not being able to eat anything is just like a, I don't know. I wanna be able if I'm dating someone I wanna be able to go to restaurant and not have to literally have some you're super picky. Like, you know, like, I'm fine. If someone who's vegan Reggiana or this thing, but at least at least I saw at least they're trying. You know, I still the best Clode. I think it was it. Stick rival. It was just like I'm on this new Palio Kita diet, and I've already lost fifteen friends.
00:20:04 - 00:25:02
Oh my gosh. Well, I mean, a lot of us are self conscious about what we will we drink who we say all that on on dates you feel like you're under a microscope. It totally is awkward though. Because like I did the paleo diet for a while. And I remember like going on some dates in like for whatever reason even though like I wasn't like insecure about it. Like I felt like I felt like that person. Right. But like one that has all these like restrictions imposed on myself, and I didn't wanna be like the picky eater. So I like didn't wanna like say it to that. Yeah. But then like the last person I dated I was like super comfortable said it for day one. So is like I think it really depends like on how your vibe ING with someone. But I might add. Yeah. Whatever your diet is you just have to own it. If you're eating a pepper, and you know, it's weird. You should just own it. And be like, yes, everyone. I'm meeting pepper in all the time. You know, as opposed to kinda like all I can't find anything else that you eat. I'm gonna eat this pepper or taking it as a time to explain. Maybe why or why? Yeah. 'cause you know, it's weird. You gotta know. So have you had any other quirky experiences on dates that are kind of on a similar level? Or do you think this is like the quirky is it's it's definitely my my go-to story. People probably have like more outrageous stories or characters that are would just completely blow that away. I mean aside from like, I told you like a couple of the food things or someone being very just very aggressive in the for state in terms of questions of like I've had the question asked. So what are you gonna be doing in the next five years of your life? For state of like, I'm just trying to have fun. Yeah. But one thing happened recently that is kind of a follow up to a couple of months ago. I was on Bart. And I saw someone eating something unusual. And it wasn't. It wasn't a bell pepper. It was a cucumber like a raw cucumber, and I don't know whether that's that's better or worse. But it just it may be questioned. Whether like, maybe it was weird at people do these things like I just don't know that yet. I mean. Okay. Like cucumber ibn cucumber, but not in public like all cute KRA like cucumber because that's actually how when I lived in Beijing. That's how we call down the summer. Oh, let's cucumber just eat it because really cool sound your system. But I would never eat it on the bar for Zampa. Dirtiest fuck, but also the public so phallic. I I do think the bell pepper. Why it's weird in my mind is the seeds inside. I don't think it's very conducive to. Eating like an apple. I dry. Yeah. So I don't think you're you're crazy. But I love to hear some someone else's opinion. Will there was this not that this is obviously true opinion? But they're rather this like sex the city episode where she's like injury duty. And there's this guy that leg everyday opens his briefcase on there some like ridiculous fruit in there. Like, a main go or like a pineapple thing. Like, you just like wouldn't snag on it. It's like what the heck the heck? So I guess this brings us to a few discussion points one is what is the proper way to handle quirky dates? Let's mistry. Yeah. Out of respect for someone. You should still stay in like to know them. How should you handle these quirky dates? It's time to take a quick break. So we can tell you about our current sponsor lot cloth at mach cloth. There's no such thing as ordinary outfit law clots signature Siles include hand-drawn prince, standout silhouette an inclusive size range that celebrates all women with sizes from doubles. Zero to size twenty eight I actually just purchased. This amazing jumpsuit called the unbridled enthusiasm wide leg jumpsuit in two different colors. It's chic enough office. But also fund enough for happy hour, and can I just say I love anything with pockets. This is the time to stock up on dresses and some suits for the season ahead. Got a question about fit their team of mog stylist can hook you up with complementary sizing and styling help special for dateable listeners. Get fifteen percent off your purchase one hundred dollars or more go to Motte Klotz dot com. That's spelled M O D C O T H and enter the code dateable checkout. His offers valid one time use only an expires you nine. So get on it. Now, again, go to mock law dot com and enter the code DAT. AB L E at checkout to get fifty percent off your purchase of a hundred dollars or more. And now back to the show. How should you handle these quirky dates like I guess what? Part. Are we going to call it specifically on this date? So I feel like there's multiple things on this date. Didn't know anything about her because she was like or you were asking her questions. But she knew nothing about you wasn't asking you any questions.
00:25:02 - 00:30:05
So at that point. I feel like it's pretty clear that it's not like a Odaguard. I want you to meet my friends because of isn't he right? So there's that piece then there's the bell pepper peace. Like, I just like where do we even start? I start with. I've been on dates where I feel like I'm not being asked any questions again, very one sided and at that point. I just decide I'm going to extract as much information out of this person as possible I'm gonna yeah. Curious and this is going to make for a good story. Yup. Later. That's true. So I think if I were on the state with girl, and maybe the French thing is not so interesting. But when she took out that bell pepper. I would question her. I would have been like, whoa. Where did you get that? Why are you will raise your what were you thinking when you put in your bag like do you normally do this on? Yeah. Which is like what do you have to lose? Right. But you gotta make the best out of n I have the spirit or this philosophy. Really that you can learn something from everyone. So maybe she could've taught you something about bell peppers that. We don't know about. Maybe it's a fountain of youth. Maybe like eighty five years old twenty eight who knows but you can learn so much. Yes. Specially from native people began you learn that you go you don't wanna be that. Right. And to also what's the root of this? Why what caused this? I actually think like with my day. I was just so curious. I was like I've never encountered someone that. Within two minutes of date is telling me how much she does not like my entire gender. Like, that's crazy. So I was like I need to learn more wives this guy like this. But yeah, what if you had to do this date again cure? What would you have done differently? You know, I think I would have tried to. I didn't want to talk to like the friends that much just because maybe you're uncomfortable. You don't know them talk to them. But I think I would have made more of an effort to like get in their conversation, at least to the point where they start asking you. Are you ready to come? And just be really funny to be like, oh, how do you? How do you know her? And I'm like, we're on Dave, right? They're like who's like creeper sitting next to her watching her each baby. She had cute friends too. That's true true right into their network. I guess that's the benefit about be introduced to friends when it's clearly no chemistry. Maybe you could actually meet one of their friends that you would hit it off with more. Yeah. That's truly definitely gonna made more of an effort to make something of it. Whether it was more of a story like you're saying, maybe you learn something new you call them out. And then you have that exchange to it. Right. When we go on dates were writing chapter in this movie. Right. And you kinda think about like, how do I wanna write the ending of the rate? How do I want to fade out? What is the last seat? And you could write your own story here. I think though, there's the other side of it is just cut your losses. Just like I get like the let's see what happens. I think if there's like some level of intrigue your interest. Or what about like because you wanna pursue that person? Or just because you're interested in what they're talking about an rambling about I think if you don't have either of those two in your dislike why am I here right now? I act there's something about cutting your losses because I've certainly been there before when I'm like, okay. I just got a drink with someone in. They seem like a great person. But this has been like, a painful conversation. I yeah. And like I've had instances on like it's not worth my time to stay here for another hour. But I think that's when you make the distinction and my amused by this person or annoyed by this person. If I'm annoyed by this person, get Aaliyah, right? And then even inau but just like your like disinterested. Maybe all right. So maybe she was disinterested. And that's fair. Maybe she didn't wanna be rude. So that's why chace kind of giving those signals and being like he's gonna leave at some point, right? Or in the night will have to, you know, send anybody to rather go on a quirky date or a basic day. Eight oh, that's a good one basic Datong RV style. What do you do where you from enough, but basic the quirky date for sure? Yeah. Story it's memorable. It's a great story. Could tell podcasts I feel like the painful date is like whether it's just so generic in like, no chemistry, just like interview s style. Yes. Like date talk. Like we've talked about in its. Yup, I would much rather have something crazy happen. Even if I knew I'd never see the person. Again, the flip side of this is that we've interviewed some people who only go on dates to have good stories. So they naturally, Don. Yeah. For potential dating someone they just want a good story. So where do you draw the line of bring fun and spontaneity to a date versus trying to see there's potential.
00:30:06 - 00:35:01
Oh, yeah. Well, I think if all your dates are going in this like Corky weird by then there's a question that you need to like see a one of my league picking the right people ride the first place like what am I bringing that might be attractiveness? Like all of that. I think there's a big difference between. Having these happened once in a while versus like every day you go on right? 'cause I ask this because I I don't know her. But I could see her seeing this as the bell pepper tests on dates. Oh, seaside like that. Yeah. They bring something consistently on just to see how her date reacts to it. So maybe she does the bell pepper tests. Well, I think that like when to your question when do you draw the line? I think adapt point. It's what are you looking for right? Like are you looking for just like fun nights in good stories? Are you looking for relationship? Right. If you're looking for a relationship, you don't feel like test people and do like these random things to see how every act so this is a good way to bring up something that Julian I hear all the time we get emails from you guys said, I really need to write a book about my dating life. That's when you know, you're probably not in dating for like dating. Essential run actually in dating for the story because if you are constantly going on these days, and you have to write in a journal because you want all your friends to hear about it. And you think it's so funny, you're obviously attracting that energy yet. And I think that's a good point to is. Like, why are you actually going on dates like are you going to form a connection with another human being are you going to report back to your friends? Are you something you have a dating blog? Story. So from all this what art takeaways of this bell pepper date. I'm going to try bell pepper tonight. Only if you go on a date. Okay. Before we go onto takeaways. Do you think if it was like at a formal like sit down restaurant with weight service would that be weirder or equal to this of the year ner? I mean, that's way weird or low juice stations of waiter. My date is is fine with her bell pepper water sailing. I will point out at least she pick the right advisement to throw out the bell pepper Kieran. Who knows what other people? It's true. That's the ultimate delta protest all submit. I think my biggest takeaway is for anybody who walks away from date thinking was a really great day is when they feel like they were seen and heard you just have to make your date feel like you're very present. They're the only person there, you're there to get to know them. But if you're feeling like you're along for the ride your tag along you're kind of a second Thala relate over then. That's never going to be a good date. Why even go on these dates, right? Mindset, you're so all we're trying to do is be present on dates and make even if there's no chemistry. Make that person. Feel like you're there on purpose to get to know them. Right. And I don't we don't know what her intention was. But I think like another one is like think about the other person. That's there to like. Yeah. Maybe you wanted to be not rude and extend the invited to have them. Come. Join you in your friends, but is that actually really beneficial to them if you're a documentary inclement conversation like would it actually been nicer theory for them to go use that our plus whatever to do something else with that lives? Like, I think it's like just to bring someone along or just to have like show that your friends that you're on dates or whenever you're like selfish reason is like think about is that actually serving Hewlett really getting to know this person, you what are your takeaways? Karen, I agree with the the attention part focusing on the person. And and when I was going on these dates like made a point to be present. I wasn't on my phone at all like just like getting more took for couple of hours or whatever to just. Yeah. Just to get to know that person because that's like that's not a good feeling. And even if I wasn't feeling like the respite tential to someone like, maybe I could still get along with them in some other way. Yes. I don't I can't remember if I've ever had someone who's a friend after the fact in like really maintained a friendship, but unsure some people have had that experience for at least for the evening. I think yes. Like an element of respects. I think if you're just like again, I don't know what her vibe was sitting there. But if you're like answering one word answers, and like not ask any questions like fiddling with your drink, not enjoying it. Like, I mean, not saying she added fake drinker during but like, you know, like just feeling with this out late feeling of disinterested. Just gonna bring the mood down in general. So it's like, how do you like stay present with someone even if you know there is nothing there. I hear something I think we should all be doing is to do a check in the middle of the date.
00:35:01 - 00:40:03
Hey, are you having good time? Do you want to continue this date? Right. So when she asked you to go to meet up with her friends, maybe that would have been a good time to check in and say are you having good time? Do you feel like we should continue the state if you wanna meet up with your friends, maybe you should do that? And then we can continue this another time. I think we always try to guess what the other person's thinking. But yeah, it it makes sense. Just do a check in. How exciting Ray point. That is a good idea. And I could see why wouldn't wanna do that either. But it is like a very considerate thing to do. And I think the other thing too the just stands out from like just something I've learned over over the years is when you're dating I think when you treat it as more of a not like just seeing another person. But like, you some people go on tons of date may that's not like always a good thing. Right. When people are like, oh, well, like if you meet enough people like no because you start like not taking it seriously at all right or not like having any like, real hope or intend. Attention to that's a good takeaway. There's someone else at the end of that date like, you know, like you don't need like this like collateral, right? Like, it's not fair to that other person. You for example is trying to make a connection like that's not fair like revealing to someone I will say the last take way I'm gonna play devil's advocate to everything we just said. But like we kind of talked about this on our episode dating on women that we did a long time ago where it was a blind date with you a in the sky, Andrew, and he made a point that the date with you guys didn't actually get off to the best start that he thought he felt like shutdown it in in that he started to ask why unlike tried to get real with it in it turned it around like you guys broke through the date talk. You got to like four more of an emotional connection on the date. So I guess the flip side of all this is if you're in one of these situations where people aren't responding asking you a lot of questions you. Just cut your loss and say like this wasn't the right match or you could try to turn the situation around. Yeah. Like what what's going through your head? What was your daylight today? Right leading up to how you're feeling right now. But that's only if you have the energy to do. So right. Maybe some some days us like fuck it. I don't have the energy to write. And I think every situation's different. I think though that she's the flip side of it is like you can always change the conversation if you really want to absolutely but at the same time back to that that episode there has to be a baseline connection. Yeah. And if you don't feel the baseline connection may be as a good time just cut your loss. Yes. Or there has to be some level of recipro-. Congressman like if someone's like, literally dot give you anything back if you're trying to turn it around like you, can you can only do so much as one person question of the day. Yeah. This one comes from Lawrence. She says I'm always hesitant to eat on first dates because I feel like I'm being judged for what I wonder I feel like if I were something hardy, I seem like I'm in this for free meal, if I were a salad I may be perceived as fake or superficial am I reading too much into this. How can I get over this perception I have? Well, dating food. It is when you have to say about this question. I think that maybe people are worrying a little bit too much about it. And the other person is not thinking reading into it that deeply it's strange. If you if you don't order anything like as as righteous talked about, but I don't know I would never want to put the pressure on someone to their body like alternately what what they put into it. So they should feel comfortable ordering what they want. So I don't think I would make an assumption that because they ordered a salad that they're this type of person. Maybe that's what they felt like that day or that yet they were something really expensive. I mean within reason if you're or ram something that you're not at a fancy place to begin with them in your ordering like something really extract stra alike. Away with the frying. I think I don't know. Like, you keep you order like within the same realm of dry. That's why I'm a few thoughts on this. I think women think about this a lot more than men do. Yeah. I think because it comes down to like how women like perception of body image. Like, yeah, I feel I guess men have body image stuff too. I don't wanna say that. They don't but society always tells women that there's a lot that they need to like portray about their body to attract. Right. So I think that there is this notion of like order the salads. I like come off as like health conscious. I think to your point. I don't think men think about it nearly as much as women do. And I think if anything when they when the woman orders, the salad or something that she doesn't really want or nothing at all it almost draws more attention.
00:40:03 - 00:45:03
Yeah. Yeah. But I think to your point that you just make cairn it's cutting meet them like were they are too. Like if you're on a date, and you guys are sharing apps like don't were five entrees like. Others like a line for many reasons because then it stands out on the other way. Also, it's like thinking about like, I don't like what you're doing after the date to like if you are like trying to like get some sexy taivon's like maybe you don't wanna eat something like super late garlicky are like just like Chia wing. You're just like tons of meat like what all of that. So I think sometimes like maybe thinking about just like good date food in general. But also, stay true to like yourself, not totally depriving because you have an image or trying to put right? I think ultimately you should eat whatever you want to eat and on that windy. I ordered meatballs in Andrew thought. It was very peculiar that I ordered meatballs because I seem like a health conscious person that he wasn't judging me for he's more like, yeah. This girl can get down. Yeah. But for me, I I I love meat so going to eat meat balls. Regardless of how I was being perceived. So I think it's just you should order whatever your body's telling you to order and get it. You should listen to your body. But I think that's like the holy men and women perception thing is like if he's on the date with your the first place like he probably finds you attractive, especially like a couple of dates, right? Yeah. And I think like like you mentioned earlier curate like you want some at also if you're in a relationship like a big part of it is like getting together, Sherry food. Like, there is an intimacy that comes with that. And a lot of people being a foodie is like a hobby away. Right. And it doesn't mean that you're like you're unhealthy. It's just like a part of society and culture. So like, I think a guy might actually be turned on like the Meatball situation. They're like, wow. Like if I was to be with this girl, we can actually joy food together. But isn't it also like food is part of dating? So you're also trying to find your food Flutie match as right? So I've been on dates with guys who were super picky asked where the chicken came from rail is this organic in blah, blah, blah, you know, gluten free all that shit. And I judge them not because I'm judging them for their choices by judge because we'll never be a good match. That's just not how I eat. Yeah. So you should again eat what you want to eat and the person made if they don't match your style than you're not a good, man. It's tough though. Because like I was on a very like specific diet for a bit in. I like I could feel myself Vegas doing even when I was like Fred's like it wasn't even like a dating thing. So like there was that notion. Like, I don't want that perception of this. I that's like all these sauces on the side in like, no this. No that like, I think there is an element that correlates to be difficult with that. Yeah. So I think it's like, maybe if you can see something on the menu that doesn't require that you make hundreds substitution still fits in with your diet. You would go for something like that. That. So it's like, how do you make choices that way opposed to like nitpicking every last piece don't you think also for dates if you know, you have specific dietary needs if you know where you're going you should look at the menu. And were telling your your date, right? This is how you're eating and dry warn them. Right. I think that's the ultimate is like the it's all how you say Musee like it's no big deal. And like you eat out all the time in like can maintain your lifestyle with this than less of a big deal than if you're like letting them draw conclusions because you're like, ripping apart the Maryland secure in have you been on dates where you judge a girl for what she order besides the bell pepper. You know, just just those instances of really not eating anything at all. And it's not even like, oh, I have anything special. Bo what I eat. But I I wanna I wanna make sure that they're in my mind like that they're healthy healthy eating habits. I actually don't do a lot of judging as to what the person will eat an end to me. It's kinda strange that to be worried about like, oh, if I order this the this person's gonna think I'm like this there, you're kinda sitting right in front of him. Anyway, you kind of know somewhat something about their lifestyle like, yeah. So it's like if I saw some of the super in shape in like, or this really fatty thing I'd be like cool. Maybe they exercise lot. Maybe they have good metabolism. Like right number of things. So it wouldn't be like a turnoff or anything, you know. Right m-. I think you're right. Julie. I think women just think about this way more than men. Yeah. Men are just like I'm hungry. Let's eat. Oh a hundred percent. I think actually like yet. Like crazy situations aside, if you order selling that's like matching what they do to some degree at they're not gonna think anything of it.
00:45:03 - 00:47:14
And it's usually these situations where it's like depriving yourself. The people start to question Moore. Okay. We're going to wrap this up enough of this a futons hungry, hungry out Younger, younger. but I do wanna hear from you if one if you've been on a date with a bell pepper girl. N to if you have your own opinions about food quirky dates any of the topics that we talked about eating friends. I like what? Yup. When the right time is that there's probably somewhere in the middle of the first state in never let is right. Exactly. What what do you think is the right way to approach this? And of course, just any dating stories. You may have we love dating stories. These are always great. We're still booking guests for a season. Eight m you love to hear from you. If you're on one of these Corky dates, and you're like, this has no hope, but you're going to stick it out for the story at least come and tell at least for us doing it for dateable. For dateable. Okay. Let's wrap this up. Stay dateable your action item for this week is to control the narrative of your dates the truth is we're also different. And sometimes those differences come off as quirky or weird instead of playing into the narrative of on a date with someone who just did XYZ there so weird you can easily change the narrative to I'm on a date with someone who just did something I've never seen before health fun and interesting is this when we take control of how we steer our dates. That's when dating becomes fun want to continue the conversation. I tag us in any post with hashtag stay dateable, then head on over to our website dateable podcast dot com there you'll find all the episodes as well as articles videos in our coaching services with vetted industry experts. You can also find our premium y series where we dissect analyze and offer solutions to some of the most common dating conundrums to connect with us. Find dateable podcast on Facebook in. Instagram and Twitter. We're also downloadable on Spotify. I two and other podcast platforms. Your feedback is valuable to us. So don't forget to leave us a review on I tunes and most importantly, remember to say dateable.