S8E8: Breaking out of an Abusive Relationship

Dateable Podcast
April 9, 2019
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April 9, 2019

S8E8: Breaking out of an Abusive Relationship

We talk about abuse spanning beyond just physical mistreatment, recognizing early symptoms, and how to get help if you or a loved one is in this type of situation.

Breaking out of an Abusive Relationship

Ify tells us about her experience being in an abusive relationship and how she finally ended and recovered from it. We talk about abuse spanning beyond just physical mistreatment, recognizing early symptoms, and how to get help if you or a loved one is in this type of situation.

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Episode Transcript

Season 8 Episode 8: Breaking out of an Abusive Relationship

00:00:00 - 00:05:06

The Dateable podcast is an insider's look into modern dating that the Huffington post calls one of the top ten podcast about love and sex. On each episode, we'll talk to real daters about. From sex parties to sex droughts, date fails a diaper fetishes and first moves to first loves. I'm your host Yue Xu, former dating coach turned dating sociologists. You also hear from my co host and producer Julie Krafchick as we explored this crazy dateable world. Hateful listeners. This episode covers the serious topic of domestic abuse. If you are in the same situation, we hope that you'll find this episode helpful, but we also encourage you to seek professional help. You can call the national domestic violence hotline at one eight hundred seven nine nine safe or as always nine one one for any emergencies. This episode is a good reminder of the very real dangers of dating. We hope it can shed some awareness to help you and any loved ones. So here's the episode. Hey, everyone welcome to another episode of dateable a show all about modern dating macoute street. And today we're talking about domestic violence and a topic. We haven't talked about and he gets really important that we do bring up this topic and our guest today. Her name's, AVI. How are you? I'm good. Hey, thanks for having me. Thanks for being on the show. Now, she reached out to us. Via Instagram to ring up this topic. And just a little background about who. She is. She's twenty four years old currently lives in Sacramento. She's been for six years originally from Portland, and she's currently in a monogamous relationship. Now, she was in an abusive relationship for over four years. So in something that she wrote to us. She said I want to educate listeners on the symptoms and dangers of being in an abusive relationship. I'm hoping that in my sharing my story, I can inspire someone out there to make better choices for themselves. Will thank you for coming on this step as a topic that we must discuss Yay. Thanks for having me. I know a little darker than the things you usually cover by this is a real part of dating. So he people educated Ellie real real. So we're getting we're getting real role here. Yeah. Real logistic. Clarify your cart relationship is not with the same person as the abusive relationship. No, no, thanks under clarifying, Julie. So tell us a little bit about your experience with your ex. Now, don't let's not disclose too much personal information since he's not here on the show to talk about his side of the story. But how did you guys me to end? What were some the earlier signs of abuse on that? So basically before answer question, I just wanted to reiterate that point that you just mentioned that we're only here to educate your listeners educate the dateable podcasts community. You know? I'm not here to slander anyone or two. I don't know if we can cuss on here, feel sure really I didn't want. I don't wanna shit talk. You know? I don't wanna run anyone's names in the mud or anything like that. I just want to hopefully, just inspire in a provide some insight to your. Listeners about this topic. So I just wanted to reiterate batting, but so we've met under pretty good circumstances. As far as dating goes when you're eighteen I I basically met him through my sister and through some mutual friends. It was sort of like I had a little bit of family in friend approval before even met him. So that in itself made it really easy for me to pursue a relationship with him. And maybe even trust him and things of that nature until I was basically how we met and we just hit it off really well in kept talking. He actually Courtney extremely well. Probably during the first year and a half, and how old with eighteen in held was he he was also eighteen o while he was he knew how to court you. That's there. Like, he before we were even dating he was writing me poetry in creating art work for B and missing some of his classes to come and see me in things of that nature. And so when you're eighteen is kind of like, oh, yeah. You know? This guy's awesome. He's really into need, you know, looking back now, it's kind of like, whoa. You know, he barely knew me, and he was already doing so much. And so it can definitely be a red flag. I even read a study or two about how there some sort of inverse relationship between how good the courting process is versus the quality of the overall relationship long term. So I thought that was what were the main if you think over the net because when people court wore it actually in a positive. Yes, sometimes they should do that people tend to really put their best foot forward into really show out when they're trying to get something, but sort of when they lock it down is sort of.

00:05:06 - 00:10:00

When you start to see their true personality in there. So it was kind of saying like, you know, if things are like really really good like beyond belief in the beginning. He now, it's not really indicative of how that relationship will be over time. It makes sense to how far into your relationship. Did you start to see these signs of abuse? It was valid a year and a half in. He had actually just moved in with me. I was living in real small like three bedroom apartment and he was here in sack living on his own. But it actually became a situation where he was just not very good with his finances. And so I just based we offered for him to move in with me hoping that you know, I'd be the good girlfriend on giving him a break, and we moved in with me about a year and a half in. I think it was basically from that point forward that things sort of started to deteriorate in sort of saw a lot of his true colors. I noticed a lot of lying just. About small things like he had a small addiction to cigarettes that grew over time. He started had a bit of a drinking problem. I think it was just substance abuse in general, just like an addictive personality kind of thing. And so I sort of started to see that more, and it even turned into Neo calling me crazy in calling me paranoid. Whenever I voiced my concerns or found cigarette butts around my apartment and things like that. And yet, I just started to notice more and more signs definitely at that year and a half, Mark when we started living together, you know, just the extended amount of time we're around each other that I really started to notice those things when did the these symptoms progress into actual domestic violence is definitely over time. So we were living together in that small three bedrooms for about maybe six months in during that six months. It was mostly just a lot of lying and hiding things behind my bag, and then sort of the gas lighting. Type of thing when I would try to bring it up arguments about the cigarettes in alcohol turned into screaming types of arguments of turned into things like broken walls, holes punched in walls, broken doors, sometimes he would go outside in a blind rage. And I would love the door because I was scared and he slashed his way back into the screen door just things like that. There were only a couple of instances where it was physical like hands on me. But I definitely quantify, you know, broken property you're disrespect for property as a type of physical use even though it's not against me. You know, I could easily be that wall or be that. But a lot of definitely emotional in the sense of just a lot of lying for no reason there even instances where he would sell some mice things behind my back in order to make the wrench or there was a key cases of he'd have the money for the draw. Drugs and the alcohol, and then he wouldn't have the money to pay the bills, and so it was sort of a little bit of financial abuses. Well, and you know, he's just finding any way to blame somebody else or any way to Blake B for the things that are going on, and, you know, making seek Mike it's sort of my fault. His actions are my responsibility, basically. And so if you how were you handling the sort of abuse, it's hard to even handle that type of abuse. When you're not even sure what abuse is if that. Especially if he is like your first lake. Yeah. Dealt relationship hard. I don't know where in my life. I would have gone education on this type of topic unless it was from possibly parents who could predict that kind of thing or somebody who'd also been sue the same thing. But typically people aren't really educated about these types of things in how to deal with people, especially when you're at the point of living with them, and you have financial responsibilities together. So I just didn't really have much knowledge on the topic. And so I spent a lot of time just doing a lot of research. I listen to podcasts like this. I read read it in things like mad and just try to get some insight on how other people felt about the things I was also feeling or how they dealt with the situation or like, I don't know. How many times I looked up like my boyfriend lies to me a lot? What should I do? That it's I just had no clue what was really going on. And so it's even harder to say. Okay. How can they deal with it? So it was basically just a lot of research in the Lada just trying to figure out what was going on. Very good point. Which is how do we define abuse? Because how media portrays abuse is hands on basically the cops are being called in.

00:10:00 - 00:15:07

They're thrown in jail. Something very extreme. How you personally define abuse has such a good question. Ah their abuses such an umbrella term to me just because I feel like it can manifest itself in so many ways in while abusers have a lot of similar tendencies like selfishness or a gas lighting or not taking any responsibility for their actions and things like that these types of things can happen in a lot of areas of life. They can happen between the happen between friends, you know, you can have a supervisor at work who's using their power to abuse you financially, or you know, it can be parent to child it can be teacher to child. I guess abuse to me is, you know, obviously, if you're. A relationship with someone. And there's instances where a guy smacks the girl in the phase, then okay? Yeah. That's obviously Beauce, but some of the more subtle things, I feel like would have to persist over time. And if somebody voiced that concern like I don't like when you do that. And they continue to still do it. And didn't really have a regard for your feelings. I think that's when it really becomes Beuys is when it becomes more repetitive. Definitely when there's a disregard for someone's feelings. Some of the general definitions online was saying domestic abuse is when the abuser believes what they're doing isn't entitlement. It's acceptable in justified. So that's interesting that. Yeah. Lines from their mindset and their many categories of abuse. But includes physical verbal emotional, economic, religious, reproductive and Sowell, so there's many different forms and like Houston was also finance abuse in your gas. That definitely isn't in one case trusting, can you share that story that you mentioned to me on the phone what the nightclub that was near the ending of our relationship. Basically he's like a an artist really into that. And so I sort of set us up to go out to San Francisco for an art show and sell some art and everything I don't know why. But that day was particularly bad day for him. He was just very standoffish the whole day in even at the event, he was a really cold towards me just had a bad attitude about the whole thing we are staying at in Airbnb in he was also adjust extremely rude and inconsiderate to our host and to the point where the hosts even had to pull me aside and be like on a no about your guy here. But I'll let you guys stay around. Just 'cause you already paid you knows how yacht and so basically later that night we all went out need my friends than him all went out drinking. To this nightclub out in San Francisco. And we were all having a good time. We're all dancing together until there was a point in time where like like dancing with him. And then I'm dancing with other people dancing with other girls, whatever, and it's just fun. But at some point he was dancing with this one girl and probably the next hour. So after he was done dancing with her. And we're back together, you was sort of I felt like he was sort of trying to push us towards her direction or he was trying to get more looks from her always trying to get near her in. So it was just a comment attention into. So after all the arguments, we'd been through I kind of learned, you know, there's a way that you have to approach him in order to avoid a blowout. In most of the time that tactic never were. Usually no matter what I did. I was gonna get yelled that or something about what's going to happen. But I tried really really hard to stay calm in to try to address my concerns in a way that was non-confrontational. So. So when I tried to talk them about in the nightclub. I remember so clearly trying to be so called in trying to just say how I felt and I just said I notice that you keep trying to take looks up at girl, and I'm feeling a little bit jealous. Those are my exact words by tone like I tried so hard, and he basically just blew up. But I don't even really know why you would blow up at something like that in less. What I was saying was true when maybe he was feeling defensive or something. Yeah. It's he totally blew up, and he was screaming in the nightclub like who are you talking about? What are you talking about your crazy? You know, calling me every name in the book a screaming to the point where like it's getting basing. So I have to sort of lead him outside and be like stopped young stop yelling like we're public stop yelling. And you know, we go outside and he still screaming at the top of his lungs just so angry. But yeah, he was screaming to the point where the bouncer had to tell. The us. Like, he literally told me like, you guys are scaring customers you guys have to like go somewhere. So our friends ended up calling us in Uber in style me and him are in the car with some of our friends going back to our friends house in he still even in the car.

00:15:07 - 00:20:01

They I can't believe I'm basing even the car. He's still sort of talking in a raised voice. But it's basically yelling since we're inside a car, and they even try to turn up the music so the to sort of draw amount, but like I'm sitting on his love. So he's basically just in my ear like totally just yelling the music blaring. And so we get back to the house and all of our friends go inside, but he's still fuming. So I'm just sort of standing outside trying to take trying to common down like really just in shock because I don't have never dealt with this kind of situation before. And I don't I'm not on the business of calming people down. So I didn't know how to approach it. And so eventually, I just try to walk away. He's calling me all these crazy, names and stuff. So I just try to walk away from him in call my own ride. And he basically just grabs me grabs. My arm in the grabs me by the shoulders in just shoves me down into the ground in. I think as he's doing that he saying like stop and listen to me, you are something, and I just get shoved into a pile of dirt on the streets. Cisco at two AM. I'm sure everyone can hear because it's like dead, quiet. And he's like the loudest screaming, you could think of and then he's also drugs even louder, and yeah, I mean, I get up and I have cuts and everything, and I basically just try to walk away and he walks away. So I call my lifts should go back to my Airbnb, and these three guys even came up to me they kind of solve the whole thing barrel. Like, are you? Okay. Like, you know, what's going on do you need help? And I was just like now. Now, I'm trying to get home. And so I find my lift and I get in the last second. He also runs in because he doesn't have any way to get home. He didn't even when we get back to the Airbnb. He's still yelling. There's a point backup Airbnb where he is on top me holding me down telling me to listen to him and calling me crazy calling me crazy as he's holding me down on the ground. Right. Sorry. You had to go through that. It was just the law like I don't want to ramble. But it was the longest night of my life, you stayed in this relationship for four years what stopped you from leaving this relationship. There were few reasons. One of the biggest one was probably an I learned about this a lot in therapy. Actually was I always had this thought of on, you know, things were so good in the beginning. I want the. Yeah. Back to the way things were. I wish things were like the way they were. Were you know, when we first met back in twenty twelve and my therapist really drilled into me like you need to live in the present more. So that you can see things for what they are objectively instead of hoping for the future hoping for the past. You know, I definitely feel like I was living in the past in hoping to get back to that with him and just not being realistic amend with the also offering you may you words of affirmation along the way apologizing Boesch. Sure. Yeah. Redeeming settled I'm sure there was good mixed in as well run. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And that's what makes it so hard. It's like it was a total roller coaster. Like, we have awesome days together, we had days, you know, the make-up days were always so good. When we just nothing would really get resolved. But we would just sort of, you know, not look back. It forget about it. Were they got to eat you, whatever makeup stags, whatever by gathers? Definitely a lot of good days, which is what you always sort of cling to. And you know, when you get to a bad moment, you're kind of like, a, well, you know, it'll go back to being good, eventually, the bad just started to outweigh. The goodbye so much that there was just not much good left. But there is definitely a long period of time. Probably the whole time before last summer that it was definitely a lot of ups and downs. So so how did you finally get out of relationship? I attribute a lot of my newfound knowledge and just getting my head back on my shoulder. I attribute a lot of that to their p. Honestly after everything happened last summer between me and him. I finally went to therapy through my school. You know, it was my therapist that taught me about a mindful meditation. Nation and living in the present. And seeing things objectively, and he was one that told me straight up you have to accept someone for their whole package. You know, you can't just only see the good in people. And just forget about the bad.

00:20:01 - 00:25:07

Like, yeah. He treats you really good. And yeah, you know, when he wants to be he can be really emotionally available on things like bad. But he also put his hands on you. And so we'll have to realize that it's better to have. None of it than to have it into also be be dealing with such highs and lows like I'd rather just have be hands off from it. So it was definitely my therapist. That helped me to see it that way as it was after that talk. I went home, and I broke it off like I don't think I would have even gotten to that point had not been for talking to a professional. What was his reaction when you broke it off? He he just went off like I did it through tech. By basically said, you know, I need space. It was kinda just like a test for me. I really felt like I did need the space. But I didn't exactly break things off. I was sort of just like, you know, I need faces some time to think about stuff like you've been through a lot. And I just don't feel like I can do that with you always around. And so it wasn't even really a true break-. But he went crazy of for the next five days. He was calling texting me nonstop like to the point where I had to block number just because my phone never stopped buzzing. Always calling me a called me every name in the book. And then went from that to being super remorseful three tactic in the book to try to elicit some type of response for me. And you know, it was from that reaction that I was like oh my God. This is what I've been dealing with this whole time. Like, this is this is who he really is end. You know, it was the perfect thing that I needed to finally say myself like I can't do this any. More. So than did you kick him out. How did this work ethic that fleets? We were living together we actually moved apart a near the end of last summer by then we were living our own separate places. And I think that by itself just gave me the space that I needed to really think about everything gone down and really value, my alone time and value just having my space back. And so yeah, that definitely made it a lot easier for me to break things off is not having the financial dependency on him for rand or having seen him when I got home and things like that at your friends and family know about the abuse the ya they knew a little bit. I sort of started opening up to them when things kind of were just starting to get a little rocky between us, but I soon stopped going to them just because I saw how the things that. I was complaining about was making. Them not like him. And to me, I thought, oh, you know, I should just keep it to myself because I really want them to like him, and my dream is that we can all live happily ever after it's all going to be good. But obviously that was not realistic. But I thought that may be holding my problems to myself would keep things more private and when things blow over between him and neither would be able to like him again. But I'll tell you right now once he's complaining about a guy to your friend your sisters stuff. There's no turning back now. Yes. Even out said of abuse per. Yeah. See you mentioned that you learned a lot from this relationship. What we're some specific things that you took away from this experience. I definitely learned that you can't change people like as much as you want to as much as they see potential in someone or as much as you want to go back to housing's once were or you're hoping for the future, you have to really take people as they are. You can't try to impose your will on them. Or you can't try to get them to act a certain way by doing X Y Z really just have to let people come as they are and then act accordingly based on that instead of based on what you wish for for them or for your relationship with them or whatever just being more objective whenever you're in relationships. And now you're in a monogamous relationship, that's abuse free. So how were you able to? Recover from the pass relationship time to take a quick break. So I can tell you about the cute clothes. I've been buying for Mont cloth. First of all, I just gotta sweat shirt. That says no problema on it. Okay. And it has Laura on it. Of course, how fricken adorable not to mention how soft it is. And now that the weather is getting warmer online, some swimsuits and skirts and Maud cloth. There's no such thing as an ordinary outfit craft via team of in house designers. Their signature styles include handwriting prints standoff salutes and inclusive size ranges from doubles zero to twenty eight. And did you knew the also carry wedding dresses as well as bridesmaids dresses all from their bridal boutique, the best part is they offer complimentary styling in fitting help from their team of mon- stylus.

00:25:07 - 00:30:07

So for dateable listeners only you get fifteen percent off your purchase of one hundred dollars or more. Just go to mop cloth dot com and enter the code dateable checkout. That's M O D C L O T, H dot. Com and enter the code the AB L E at checkout to get fifteen percent off your purchase of one hundred dollars or more. This offers valid for one time use only an expires on July six of this year. All right now back to the show. So how were you able to recover from the pass relationship? They said definitely took a lot of therapy. It was during my last semester of school. I was on a couple of classes. So like the rest of my free time was devoted to enrolling myself. In a variety of therapy, classes, I was in anxiety management. I was in a women's group in just all these different things install. I feel like talking about it and talking about it with people who have your best interests that hard. Sometimes I feel like it can be hard to discuss with family or friends because you know, they have biases and off as they know haven't experienced too so rhymes it's hard to relate. If you haven't had it happened yourself right in so talking to these people who are trained to speak on these things in train to tell you the right things definitely helped I feel like I got a ton of really bad advice for, you know, friends or whoever talking about it to the right people was a big part of my recovery. Also, just doing more research in educating myself. So that I could be. More vigilant for myself was a big part of recovery is just learning about what I went through and how I can prevent it for next time in how I can feel like I know enough where I can protect myself of listening to these podcasts or even hearing songs about women in crafty relationships, you know, sort of gave me something to relate to and helped me to know that I wasn't alone in this, and that Assad as it is it's common sense. There are people out there who can help you and give you insight in. I think it was getting a lot of that inside from various sources helped me to understand it. And also just to accepted, I'm gonna read off some statistics. Because I think we need to be reminded of some numbers. So on average, this is according to the national coalition against domestic violence. Okay. So some the stats are on average, nearly twenty people per minute are physically. Abused by intimate partner in the US during one year, this equates to more than ten million women and men well one in three women and one in four men have been victims of some sort of physical violence by an intimate partner within their lifetime on a typical day. They're more than twenty thousand phone calls placed to domestic violence hotlines nationwide. Intimate violence accounts for fifteen percent of all violent crime only thirty four percent of people who are injured by intimate partners receive medical care for their injuries. And here's some consequences. I thought this is kind of interesting economically victims of intimate partner. Violence lose a total of eight million days of paid work each year. Oh, wow. Newsroom like recovery or hover abor it is yet tween twenty one to sixty percent of victims of intimate partner violence looser jobs due to reasons stemming from the abuse. That's clearly that if you're so distraught like how can you go to a job in like work? So it's not as easy as just seek help or a the relationship there. So many moons quences. Yes. Yes. Yes. So many party automatically when you mentioned people missing days off word. I don't know. How many I don't know how I finish squad. Ously does. I don't know how many days of class that I missed worrying about my relationship with this guy, or you know, we're up all night fighting. So I spend all day sleeping or like, I'm not studying. So I'm not getting the grades that. I should be getting like, you know, I'm definitely failed the class or two because of instances between my ex Anais. So I definitely. The amount of natural end with said a team up like it's not just the Seattle. It's like we're in the moment when someone's abusing verbally. It's like thinking about it in like having it carry over to all other times, even when you're not at that price, all gazoo zooming. So what a vice would you give to someone who's maybe going through a similar situation or seeing early signs of abuse in the relationship? I would definitely like I said before and I'm still even educating myself on the topic now education about this type of stuff I feel like is really important, especially for young people.

00:30:07 - 00:35:01

You know, as you're navigating through relationships, it's important to know, you know, people will always look up. What are the signs of a someone who might she, you know? But I feel like it's really important to also recognize you know, what are the basic signs of Beauce, or what is says it aims to a romantic relationship. But I came a lot. Upon the term narcissism when I started looking at a lot of my tub, and I was like narcissism like what does it? What is that? I don't even really know what that is. As I read more about other people's experiences and definitions and things like that like knowledge is power. And if you could know those types of things, you know, before you get too wrapped up in someone you save yourself a lot of trouble for sure, I think that you made about what your therapist said that you have to see someone for their whole, and you can't just cling to the past or what the future is roar. The good party is. That's we give John nature that you just said in recognizing signs that aren't suiting well in I think lifting the definition you read you way, that it's like beyond just physical think of physical abuse yet. Definitely I feel like there's more awareness growing around the topic. Especially these days with me too in just all the crazy stuff that's going on between. The people out there. But it's still definitely something that needs to be talked about roar. Just so people can be vigilant for themselves for people who are seeing early signs. I would say one intrigue yourself what you would treat a friend cliche. Is that sound if I would have done something like that? I would have saved myself all the trouble. 'cause if my friend would have came to me and said, oh, my God my boyfriend just punched in a wall in through my bike down the stairs. I would be like run the other way. Like, I help you. What are you need? Like, I will help you get out of there right now. Like, this is not cool. And so if I would have given myself that same treatment in that same objective outlook. I definitely would have saved a lot of trouble. I would also say to them I found that a lot of the reasons that I put up with a lot of stuff that I went through. I had some negative experiences for my child that I won't go into. But I feel like a lot of. Trauma from ni growing up sort of carried into violation ships. You know, since I've been eighteen I feel like I dealt with a lot more than I should have. I think maybe it's because I sort of dealt with in internalized so much growing up that I didn't realize I didn't realize that it wasn't okay. For someone to call me names. I didn't realize that it wasn't a way for someone to raise your voice that you all the time because I was kind of used to that kind of thing. And so it's hard to say, what's right and wrong. When you're when you don't know if so therapy is so amazing evenly inventive. When like before things. Like this happened just to like understand yourself and get to the root of like early childhood issues. So you do have a stance of like what works for you. What is acceptable behavior? Yeah. And it should be so much more proactive like I feel like I went to. He has like a last resort leg work. I might not be around much longer. But at that should have been like my first stop, maybe even before I even moved in with the guy was right. Really dismantle a lot of those things in try to avoid a lot that I went through. I think it's a lot of people's last resort or comes at a moment when it's triggered by something. Not as a preventive awry aped, and yeah for both party, the Buzen people who take it on. I feel like it's that were reverse. Everyone would have a lot less of this type of drama in their lives for sure in. It's also one of those things is like domestic violence, the physical abuse part is when it's a little late. Yeah. Has they always they have these reports in studies that say to you know, in a lot of these cases, the earlier signs are non physical abuse, which is a disrespect of something. So disrespect of an object. Like you were saying he was throwing stuff around or disrespect home, the family finances in that eventually develops into the physical abuse. So we can recognize those earlier than we can prevent will be on TV. That's a good point is that sounds exactly in line with your experience to so I guess your current relationship. I'd love to hear about that. How that's different in. How you got there? Like how were you able to trust again like imagine that would be really hard? Yeah.

00:35:01 - 00:40:00

By Kurt boyfriend. He's awesome. I'm just like smiling right now. All that's not of you. Yeah. He doesn't go. Ever once like even heard raise his voice, let alone towards me. Yeah. It's funny. We actually met on Tinder, which is like the last thing fact out of a decent relationship. But I I kind of appreciate it just because I feel like we came together in a very casual way, you know, he met through tenders it was kinda just legal young to go. We started just like duffer while whatever as we hung out more and more. We just realize like, oh, you're actually really cool. I enjoy your company in your easy to talk to you. So we just continued to sort of see each other for more than just sex. Eventually we were like, okay. Yeah. I don't feel like anybody else that we could just keep Davis. But I feel it coming together in that very casual way took a lot of pressure off of us to try to to try to court each other or to try to really do our best to impress each other. You know, try to suppress are bad parts in really heightened our good parcel. You didn't really not saying we didn't care about each other. But right like not so much as you do when you meet someone that you like before maybe you have sex like maybe start building. Up all these expectations, and you know, the guys courting you so that you can see his best quality. So that hopefully, you guys can Mike, you know, get together for sex or whatever. But I feel like since we were. So casual there wasn't so much of an expectation to for him to try to do some grand gestures for me or for me to try to do the same. It was just very casual anytime, we could have been like, you know, whatever out like doing this by and I feel like, you know, even with no expectations or anything. We still wanted to see each other. So I felt like that sort of set a lot. But he I definitely find that. I a lot of my insecurities from my last relationships sort of pour into this one even just with little instances, for example. My ex would be the type to wake up at weird times of the night and a go outside for long periods of time. Time. And you know to me, I'm thinking, okay. He's probably out there running around. Getting cigarettes, and he's probably gonna come back with some weird lie in he always did. And it was just, you know, just a total breach of trust and transparency. And so these days my boyfriend will wake up in the middle of the night. Go thinking bathroom. I'm like, what is he doing behind my back? You know, something's gotta be happening behind my back. You know, it's almost like an instinct just like a learned behavior for me almost but strictly transparent with me. And I have no reason to not trust him. And so Adam staying vigilant for myself. I'm also just like trying to stay cool drag to a legacy said before just take it as it comes and just act accordingly. But I I have no reason to question him. He's done some things for me in these past few months that I can ever even ask of my ex for over four years. You know what I mean in? So I just total one eighty. I think the stick is you your favorite, quote, we are all each other's cognac says I think that definitely plays in. It's like it's hard, even if someone is giving you all signs that they are good person in aren't doing it. If you've learned to think a certain way, it's really hard to undo that. And that's why therapy continued to help you get to a point writer not thinking the worst in negative things because of past experiences. Yes. And it even goes further than my relationship with him. Like, I see myself doing that with even friends or even new people that I mean, having super bad trust issues and saw the Aleki said just trying to dismantle those things with someone that knows what they're doing. I feel like it's really importantly can't like unlearn for and a half year fifth like a. Yeah. It'll take a half. He and I talked to my boyfriend about the stuff all the time. Like, he I feel like the biggest difference between him, and my eggs is just his openness in his willing to really talk to me at length about these issues. So that we can really try to come to a place that we both understand. And we both feel good. Whereas my ex was always just quick to get defensive or yell or, you know, do something that, you know, punching a wall, you know, try to do something that would sort of not really giving any progress to the conversation in.

00:40:00 - 00:45:07

So I really appreciate bad. Just the transparency in the maturity that I get from my boyfriend right now, shall we move onto some takeaway is what make you for being. So like honest and open about Jerry says, well, I feel like I've just been here rambling, but I feel it's been very helpful. I feel like talking about it is powerful for me. And I feel like knowledge is just important. In general, it was because of these types of podcast and the TED talks and things like that. That really helped me to understand what I was going through. So I just hope that I can give that kind of knowledge to somebody else that goes right into my takeaway, which is sometimes we don't know what we're feelings. We kinda need a definition or a label for it and something as sensitive as this topic mastic abuse, if you really think about it. It is win your partner inflict, some sort of pain or trauma onto you knowingly and they justify they feel entitled to it. That's abuse income into many different forms. So if you feel like very uneasy in a relationship, even though that person hasn't touched you there is no physical abuse. They're still probably abusive component to it so start, Mike. You said he just you gotta you gotta really educate yourself and put a label on what you're going through. Almost like a diagnosis. And then it's like, okay. What's the symptoms? Okay. How do we treat this? Yeah. I think my biggest takeaway is like look at all the facts. I think a lot of times I like the whole part you were talking about with courting is really interesting to me. I think sometimes we get so focused on like nice gestures at the beginning in not saying that they're not good to do. But like, not everything. And I think sometimes you're saying your relationship has been a little more casual low maintenance, but it sounds like a got real faster. So sometimes that exterior isn't always the interior and holding onto the good is not the full picture either. So as objectively like, you kept saying in then again, like I think the part that you mentioned like if a friend came to me and said this stuff like what would I say? I think it's it's oftentimes easier to give people advice on what yourself, but especially stuff like this is happening that is signs of abuse. Like looking at it more cut and dry is a much more effective way than emotionally, and you're a friend who sees. Someone in your life going through this. I think it is our responsibility to say something that could be a hard conversation, but being hen really make or break something definitely inundated being able to receive that information as well. Like, I know for me when people did try to tell me, you know, I think he might be using you think there might be something going on here that you don't see you know, I was really quick to disagree. You know, I didn't wanna I almost laughed like views. Now look abuse, you know, but you I feel I if I would've listened to my friends and family from that more objective standpoint, I definitely could have avoided a lot of the drama. And so I guess my takeaway could be listened to the people that you trust. If you're going to a friend or a family member talking about these issues, and they try to tell you like it is try to really listen to them. And to really think about the things that they said. Figure out what type of course of action you can take. I think my other takeaway is like sometimes in not even just abusive relationships, but in relationships as a whole were attracted to these ones that have these really high highs that followed by low lows in low in steady and more consistent. People often looked at some times as more boring or not as interesting, but means really again bachelorette like objection standard that like if you are facing these highs and lows EMU to look at this holistically and understand his his really like a relationship that you wanna be a long term is it sustainable, and if you find yourself constantly defending your partner in front of family and friends there is something that's a major agreeing evenly. You said when you're telling your story new said, I was I stopped telling my my friends and family about him because I want them to like him. That's a red flag to Rian yet at all of your time defend. Reading your partner. Exactly. Yeah. I did a lot a lot of that. And it can quickly turn into isolation is what it turned to for me. 'cause eventually people are like we told you leave. What are you doing? You know, you know, eventually yourself esteem is so low and everything so low that it's like I don't wanna hear it in you start to tune people out on cub people out yet just a vicious makings for sure. Earlier. Thank you so much again for being so open and honest on here and would love to like hear about your song.

00:45:07 - 00:50:04

That's coming out, your heart. How tired I make music awesome? A bit hard of what helped me to move forward to figure out everything about this relationship was through music just like the day after we moved apart. And I finally had my own stays. I was trying to get back in my own head stays. I was listening to I'm really big on basic so listening to a lot of us. Look like usual, Ed for some reason Google play just wanted to play song after song about you know, fuck that guy that. You know, do buzz new rules share? Like those total like women empowerment song. Like, oh my God. Like, yes. Exactly. They need. Once I finally broke things off like feelings just started pouring out of beans on the best way that I really knew how to delegate it was, you know, let's make it into a song to song about this. I just wrote a crap to the song about my experiences. Just the way I was feeling. So I was like maybe it can get. No, maybe I can be that sort of inspiration for someone out there through my music. Just how do a lebeau was for me? And so, yeah, I've been writing songs I've written a couple of songs on topic. I only have three singles right now on Spotify all working on building that for young good. They. I'm trying to go back collection. I am releasing my next song called nicer than you. And it's basically the main line in the song is the world has never been dice. It's never been fair. But it's nicer than you, the basically relates to the idea that a lot of the times in abusive relationships, he'll get to the point where the abuser will say things like you can't get another guy. You know, you're not good enough for other guys. You can't navigate the world without me. You know, what are you gonna do? Without me. You need me. There was even a point where I was ending things with my ex where he after everything that went through with us. He actually texted me and said something like you're gonna realize that I really loved you in this going to be to Ray in him. Why why like you don't even know what love is embed Vic's no sense until the song. Basically a relates to the idea of. I'd rather do with whatever the world has to. Dish out for me, or whatever comes as a result of ending things with you than staying with you for another fucking. Secondly out rather deal with be single being alone. Whatever else the world has to throw at me than having domes- around with you any longer. And so that was basically the idea behind this one also, right? And where can we were can we find your singles on their on Spotify? I go by yellow. So it's my first name I F as in Frank why? And then the word yellow, it's all one word, I- everywhere. I if you just Google me, I'm on Spotify, Google, play itunes. I'm on Instagram at of the same name base begun in the same name tumbler photos. Physically everyday social media really excited about it. I feel like it's just impounding for me to try to spread this type of knowledge in a way that people can understand which is through song. And so hopefully, it can reach them one who can get inspired make better choices for themselves. Fantastic. Cool. I'm so let's wrap this up. Thank you again for being here. And, you know for telling us a story and being so honest and courageous with your story, we want to encourage more listeners to tell us your stories as well. We're here to share as Len in the more. We can get this out there the more we can learn from whether or not feel solo yet. I can quit. What if he was saying like sometimes you feel like you're in your own world types of topics? So the more we can have conversations about them on the podcast. The you don't know who else you're hoping that could be in the same situation. Exactly. Absolutely. So rich one person even one person. Can just like grow plant a seed in their head that grows into something positive than I did my work. Absolutely. So we are still looking for guests for coming seasons. We love to have used a guess on our show reach out to us. If you like to tell us your story, and on that note, we're gonna wrap this up. Jay jailable, your action item for this week is to have a little check in whether with yourself, if you're not currently in thing with someone or with your partner, if you are in a thing, this is purely a check into talk about what is going.

00:50:04 - 00:51:53

Well, and what isn't looking situation holistically, not just the good stuff and not just a bad stuff. It's always good to have a little check into recognize any unhealthy behavior, which may be coming from your partner for yourself. And if you recognize that you are in an abusive relationship seek help there are tons of free resources out there, including the national domestic abuse hotline. You can find that at the hotline dot org where you can live chat or call one eight hundred seven nine nine safe spelled S A F E, and here's a clip from. If you SU song that she mentioned some episode called nicer than you you get. Through them. All. And yuzu. Business. Want to continue the conversation. I tag any post would hashtag stay dateable then head on over tour website dateable podcasts dot com there. You'll find all the episodes as article videos and our coaching services with vetted industry experts. You can also find our premium y series dissect analyze an offer solutions to some of the most common dating conundrum to connect with us. Find dateable podcast on Facebook, Instagram and Twitter. We're also downloadable on Spotify. IT and other podcast pot horns, your feedback is valuable to us. So don't forget to leave us a review on I two and most importantly remember to day dateable.

Dateable Podcast
Yue Xu & Julie Krafchick

Is monogamy dead? Are we expecting too much of Tinder? Do Millennials even want to find love? Get all the answers and more with Dateable, an insider’s look into modern dating that the HuffPost calls one of the ‘Top 10 podcasts about love and sex’. Listen in as Yue Xu and Julie Krafchick talk with real daters about everything from sex parties to sex droughts, date fails to diaper fetishes, and first moves to first loves. Whether you’re looking to DTR or DTF, you’ll have moments of “OMG-that-also-happened-to-me” to “I-never-thought-of-it-that-way-before.” Tune in every Wednesday to challenge the way you date in this crazy Dateable world.