Sex & Sexuality

S8E9: A Sex Journal

Dateable Podcast
April 16, 2019
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Sex & Sexuality
April 16, 2019

S8E9: A Sex Journal

We discuss investing in your intimacy, really discovering each other's preferences, and how open conversation in the bedroom translates to the entire relationship.

A Sex Journal

Caleb and Levina share how they created a sex journal for couples to reflect on and explore their sex life together. We discuss investing in your intimacy, really discovering each other's preferences, and how open conversation in the bedroom translates to the entire relationship.

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Episode Transcript

Season 8 Episode 9:  A Sex Journal

00:00:00 - 00:05:04

The Dateable podcast is an insider's look into modern dating that the Huffington post calls one of the top ten podcast about love and sex. On each episode, we'll talk to real daters about. From sex parties to sex droughts, date fails a diaper fetishes and first moves to first loves. I'm your host Yue Xu, former dating coach turned dating sociologists. You also hear from my co host and producer Julie Krafchick as we explored this crazy dateable world. Hey, everyone. Welcome to another episode of dateable a show all about modern dating. I have a question for you. Julie. When was the last time you kept a journal high school? What did you write in your journal? Probably really dumb stuff. I don't know like crushes and all that stuff. Right. I was back in my parents house, and I found my journal from high school, and I remember writing about this boy at church, and I not religious, but I went to my friend's church because I really liked this boy and the entire journals about him. Wow. And he had no idea who I was. That's how sad this journal was but have you ever kept a journal about your sex life? No. I have not no all your. Yes. I have actually have an anonymous blog about my I different about like, you know, what there are benefits to that there. I actually see benefits to what I wrote in my sex blog, and that was just from one person's perspective, but our guest today there are a couple a Lavina and Caleb. They've kept a sex journal of their sex life. And now they've turned the sex journal into something that any couple. I can use. So guys are you there? Are you guys are busy having sex? I am not sure not quite we're here. I guess journaling. Upper air. We've got Caleb and Lavina here. I'm gonna just give you guys a little introduction. So our listeners have an idea of you are Caleb is thirty one. He lives in Brooklyn. He's been there for five years or Italy from Hampton Virginia, and he's currently in a monogamous relationship with Lavina Levinas twenty eight years old. She also lives in Brooklyn born and raised in New York. They started out as fronts the so this is what they wrote to us. They started out as friends, and then started dating and then start banging. As part of this is sexual experience with each other. They started a journal of their sex life, which eventually transformed both of their sex life and relationship, I'm dying to hear about how this journaling process comes about the first of all when you guys are dating who had the idea of journaling and given all the credits. I said the words I shouldn't really check the two of us make it was a team effort. But it was Levinas filed decision. It was her empty mole skin on her bookshelf in her bedroom in bed stuy. We did up. Actually original journal. So for someone that's never kept a sector at all. Because I think the only wanted this conversation. What is what is different between a sex like what exactly goes into the Cy yet? What are the journal? What are their diagrams involve is it different? All like, tell us about those are thought we really thought we were going to make like the new guide to having amazing sex like illustration that should be at this time. This is the right vibe music. Like, the millennials guide to having the greatest sex at right? And what ended up happening was we took one day about a month into our relationship or having amazing sex miserable to each other to make your sex. So great like how do we figure this out? And we both journal Caleb. Journalists almost every morning and had this morning pages routine in IRAs Morlaix body sort of like five minutes in northern Johnny things down if I could but we both really loved doing that. So we just took a journal split it up and decided that after he had sex. We would each write down our reflections without showing the other person. But in the same book, and then read them out loud to each other. And then whatever converse. How love we would take notes. It really wasn't what we expected from our very first conversation. We were really shocked about how. How much we had to learn about our own bodies about each other's bodies about her experiences. And now over a year later that's still the case were still reflecting or still learning and it's still opening up doors for us like every single time. We do it just for a little back story. How long were you guys friends before you start dating about seven months or so six or seven months? Okay. And a can I ask for you to read a page or two from the early injuries? I'd like to know what was being said.

00:05:07 - 00:10:04

Just find that we have to find our Israel. We don't have an honest rate now somewhere in the house, but we can tell you what our first entry yet when we know pretty well. Yeah. So we just made a journal for other couples to us and in the process, we've had a one five from Orla. Let's reread what we learned in the very beginning. And see what we're dealing with. And I had this like vague like foggy recollection of sitting in a room with Caleb and having written something that was like, wow. This was amazing. It was really connected like we really get each other. And this is so beautiful. And I looked at Caleb and was like here they. They. Do you want to pick it up for me and part of the practice is, you know? So she wrote I and then she covered her her thing. Her right interesting. So I had enough each other, right, right? So she wrote I then she handed me the book and covered her entry. So I had no idea. I don't wanna be overly vulgar. Maybe she hated it. I didn't want to say I love if she hated. Maybe she loved it. I hope I didn't hate it. You know? And so I was like I was kind of petrified. And I was like so you're saying I can write anything you really can't. But you're sure anything like any, and I probably ask that question. No joke five times. Like, so I was like, I don't think you understand. So what I wrote was like, okay. Final rent. The first thing that comes to my mind. And I wrote that I prefer to have less ball stimulating than more Boston mutation, and you wrote it like three times in. I mean, you cut you kind of small most get in half we were each working with like twelve lines. I wrote the same thing three times and three how it was so powerful about that is that I have never been able to articulate that or L even think I think I'd probably realized it, but a moment when she said that I could actually go back. I had full permission to go back and think about our time just having sex the one thing that's Soka suck. I was like oh, man. You know, actually, I don't really like having a wad of attention on my testicles. So interesting out. I would just assume guys love that. Set the scene here. So when you guys wrote these injuries, and then you reveal that to each other finally without knowing what the other person said what was that moment. Like when levino is like, we were so connected. It was so beautiful and gala was like stop touching my balls like a month in your relationship, and we're in like my cozy little not of a bed in bed guy Rick snowing outside coming in. So she read so then after I wrote few reads what she wrote. And so I hear would Hummer. Which is like this beautiful like soliloquy of you know, like romantic seconds like oh shit. I like really my entry is so much more to the point in like body focused. And so when I had the opportunity to read it it was easier to share that because I had already written down. Then if I would just like try to bring that up in a conversation, the this again, this is the very first century. I think this is really what demonstrated the power of this practice for us in kind of Nate us will be like Otit like this is much more impactful than I think we could have ever imagined in that moment, I really got to see that. I had an opportunity to share some never shared ever might life. And I had a partner who gave me full permission to share it and was open to listening to me. So what changed in your sex life? After United started doing this a lot. Because your sex life was already good. Yeah. It was great group is really really great. And we were calling it cosmic sex. So cosmic sites pre journal return. Okay. So post journal what changed it's hard to say what our relationship would have been without the journal because we have been doing this ever like pretty much since the very beginning of our relationship. And I think what's really distinct about our relationship that is has not been the case affirmative in other relationships is were extremely real with each other. That actually is terrifying. As it can be sometimes is really what opens the door for us to connect really deeply like in all the ways. That's like seriously. That's playfully. That's like in the sense that everything is an experiment. Our sex has become a testing ground for a relationship. So anything that we Ryan sack? Shows up in our relationship, and our relationship has become a testing ground for lives shifts in our sex life begins to shift in the restaurant way.

00:10:04 - 00:15:05

We went to Zampa l- on the opt for sure so I would imagine a lot of stereotypes would save the office it about this. But I was the person that had trouble journaling Caleb already had like years journaling, and like was doing all this self-discovery work and was really like working on being in touch with who's emotions. Just you're really reflective person. Whereas like for me, I spent most of my life being like, okay, just like keep going don't get like stuck on bad feelings in like, my family didn't ever talk about feelings. I was like an under the rug thing for me. So when we started journaling like is actually really challenging for me to say what I wanted and it was really challenging for me to share my experiences in Israel challenging for evenly happen to how I felt. Thanks, Karen is when I started looking in the rest of my life. I realized like as much as I thought I was really outspoken business. And I was really an advocate for what I wanted to business. I found lots of instances with clients where I was just like resigned about my ability like share what I wanted in share. How I thought make should go interesting like a couple of months into journaling when I started taking everything a lot more playfully entreating, everything is like a testing ground n linked throwing out ideas for what we can do like, I found myself doing that in business also at actually huge impact. And we'll we're some of those ideas you through in the bedroom. I told you I want explicit details journaling has become journaling about our sex has become a cornerstone have it for us. So it's like actually made reflecting on making fun of priority for us. So we started doing. Doing monthly sex staycationing were will. We'll date our way around New York City and link once we stayed in Harlem once we did Penn station not into this. Wait, wait. Wait, wait back. Not like role playing with living on a train veg-. You guys go to like random public places? Now, I think there's. Like on station. I was like, wow. That's not. Penn station. I don't know about y'all, but venturous, exactly. There in New York just different areas different areas. New orleans. I ought to get a hotel and such. Yeah. Or like staying there being bees things like that all kinds of Airbnb. Yeah. On different characters only date around the neighborhood. Like when we were staying in pencil brewers staying near Penn station world tourists. We went to what was it. Dallas barbecue. About plays. It's just fun Knojic calebs like dying over here. But it's just fun not to take things. So seriously. I mean, there's also like physically changing things up like our on a try being in different areas of the house. And like I want tundra on a plate with like looking children the IRS play with like more serious Kasese more playful partisans like we want to surrender. I don't know everything is become an adventure. And infirm me at least like because so many of the other areas Riley for so serious that I have to be so like, you know, button up and ready to lead to be able to like be tourists on thirty fourth. Actually, so amazing and it's not expensive. It's not like this. But it's like a really fun way to like learn about each other and play in like habit different kind of experience. So how did journaling like get you hear like how did you sound like Ahmed ago pretend to be Torrance? Like, how did that even come to be? I think we became connected on another level because we ought to share a lot of experiences with each other in a lot of like celebrations, insecurities fears like everything that we experienced we were sharing with each other. So every time we had sex. It was another conversation. Those are conversations that we had never had previously with partners from my experience would assume that a lot of people probably haven't had an I see from our relationship so much opening up. Just like this this constant state of play. So if like sexism adventure than our entire relationship is an adventure. Like our lives are an adventure. So I I really just think it's it comes from connection. I the comes from the connection that we built like this team partnership that really grew out of us getting to know each other in the most vulnerable way sex is one of the most intimate experiences that. At a human being can have end by letting our guard down and journaling and sharing super vulnerably.

00:15:05 - 00:20:02

Every time we were having sex really late breaking down the barriers, and I think like ultimately were both really silly people and. Like one we were able let our guard down like we could actually be ourselves. I think it's just so crazy that for the business world when we're at our jobs, we have so much feedback from our managers, and then we were always talking about how did improve and how to move up our career paths, but in sex and love it's sort of the same thing I ever give each other feedback or we rarely do. And so like what you that example, you guys gave the earlier in tree. I just assumed that all men like their balls unfolded in lake and cubs because nobody's ever told me that they didn't like it. I, but now I'm wondering how many guys word like could you just stop like I just want to stop. But I don't know how in terms of the journal because I wanna get into the logistics of how you do it one is wind do you journal? I know you guys talked about like you should journal pretty shortly after you have sex rights, you remember and two is what? What are you journaling because from your your example earlier Caleb? You journal would exactly went down. And whether you liked it or not, it was very literal and Lavina you journal how you felt after. So is there do you do to two people have to be consistent in what they're meddling too? So we recommend that you journal as soon as you can after sex from a brain science perspective your short term memory so short severe win a couple hours. You're not going to remember like we've run into this multiple times before you're just not going to. Remember the details for our when we first started journaling, we were as you get out. We were really just like we had no idea what we were doing. So we just like writing we're free writing busily again. Like, we have we as as Lavina mention we have a ton of experience. Journaling tuned to us. So Amlie also been pretty horrible. So it wasn't weird for us. As like. Oh, yeah. We'll just right. Whatever comes up what we have created in a section for couples is a much more unprompted. It's a structured is structured disruption framework in. So that covers writing down how you feel when you felt most turned on things that we wanna take into the next time that we have sex together room for celebration things we want to celebrate. So the journalists Arkan down into two major sections. We went from the two of us went from free writing to have having a structured journal or creating a structure journal because we loved the free writing, and it opened up a wad for us. So we started telling our friends, and our friends were all like, well is amazing. I've never heard of anything like this. I want to do it end. So we outlined the framework you just get a mole skin in. This is what you do. And we probably gave that away two hundred people and no one took us up on it. I'm not sure what are writing. How do I do? What do you say? And he had writing to which is for a lot of people's a little you fill out of work. It's a lot. There's there's a lot of like barrier to entry. What compelled you to like wanna get this out to other people own my God, we were so resistant to it. I like not because we didn't want to make a difference or share it. But his Caleb in. I have never talked about sex publicly before this year. And we realize it was sort of like one of those moments were like someone else. Someone else take this idea do this. What was happening for us? Was this journaling was allowing us to be really vulnerable and talk about super tub things. And in that we got to like have all this fun and create something really magical for a relationship and really actually share that with other people. We would have to put in a lot of work and share all the intimate details of our relationship. See it. And that kind of a problem with our society today, there's no conflict right on one hand, it's like sexual liberation feel empowered by sags on the other hand. Just don't talk about it. And I feel like when I'm out with friends to if I asked about their love lives somehow their volume just drops. And they're all of a sudden whispering to me like there are selling drugs. I'm not sure why. So that's probably I can totally see why this would be really tough to bring into the public because his bring your sex life into into the spotlight, and how did your family's reactive est for me.

00:20:02 - 00:25:02

Like before started working on this journal, Islas all-race gang a little bit about sex in culture, when we actually started working on this journal that was sort of the first time, I realized Mike career was taking a very sharp left her. Didn't expect for awhile. I didn't tell my parents, my parents both Chinese they immigrated here, my mom, giving the sex stock when I was twenty three. So I. Your thought doesn't talk about. I don't think I ever out this nice. Yeah. So are really like I don't know what they're gonna think they just want to be a doctor. And of course, this is urging doctor until eight. I was really freed and after a couple of months djing questions about how my work is going. And what what I was like focused on I distinctly. Remember one day. I was I was on the phone, Don, he was like what projects are you working on these days because there's freelancing I kind of like danced around like, yeah, it's great. Like, I tell you about it, and we hung up. I was like so dissatisfied with the conversation because it was just like trying to hide the whole time. I called him right back. Nice at dad. I haven't been being honest with you. And I haven't told you because I've terrified of what you're you. You'd think but I've really discovered that talking about sex makes a huge difference for people's lives in Caleb, and I have discovered this amazing way to help people do that. So we're working on a book all about that. Like, I think it's gonna make a huge difference for the next generations of women. That's like something super important to me. And he. Was silent for. Right. I remember standing in order thority on phone use island for a couple of minutes. And then said bagged me like, okay. If you're really serious about making a difference for women girls, you've gotta be in touch with Oprah, and you should be reaching out to Michelle Obama and. Office. Super Capelle to deliver. This message like why is it so hard for couples or people in general to express their needs in like desires around. It's time to take a break from this episode to celebrate the fact that spring has sprung and that means time to refresh your wardrobe. I've been having a ball with my new cloves from odd cloth with everything from fun, florals and stripes to vibrant colors and shapes. If you follow me on Instagram, you'll see that I've been going to all these bachelorette parties and girls trips. So that means I ne- swimsuits and dresses. Also, I told my friend who's getting married about Motte Klotz bridal boutique with everything from wedding gowns to bright may stresses. So with my favorite piece at the moment. Well, it would have to be this cute tank with dogs kissing on it, and it's so appropriately named the podcast co host top. I love 'em. Cloth celebrates all women with sizes from doubles Eero to Twenty-eight their team lot stylus have really helped me with styling and fit and Oakland jury for data listeners only get v. Eighteen percent off your purchase of the hundred dollars or more. Go to mock cloth dot com. An inter the code dateable at checkout. That's M O D C O T H dot com and enter the code. AT at checkout and get fifteen percent off your purchase a hundred dollars more. This offer is valid for one time use only and expires on July six of this year. Get on it. Now back to the show. Why it so hard for couples or people in general to express their needs in like desires around. I mean who teaches us how to do which is Lenny. I think that's what's come up for Levin. Nuys well in in journal is that we didn't have the language to talk about it. And we had kinda create that ourselves created what that looked like for us to civically in our relationship through a section of couples. And I think that that is the same struggle that most people deal with there's not really like a framework for how how can talk about it. So what was the most surprising thing that both of you learned about yourself or each other? Or if you wanna share one of each that would be super interesting explicit be explicit. Just all the details. All right, love calebs. But in he hates that. I love it. Why do you why do you hate that? We super Taylor's. Sure take list, and it's just not something that I'm that. I've ever been. I mean, again, like, I think this goes back to like I've learned I have been subject to in terms of a sex education.

00:25:02 - 00:30:02

What how sex is like, I just never knew that to be a pleasure center. I or that from a lot of men which has been super interesting like I'm sort of two headed about assaulting like Unimak level on like, okay, men have thing about their butts. My relationship. Unlike a this is just a pillow, and I wanna be like hanging out in their weight living at you like to. So when you were talking about the, but you're talking about the hall, not even like is likings, but cheeks like he he's like being there. I can't even like I can't get anywhere near the butthole yet you okay? So you wanna live and Caleb by he's so ticklish you cannot. Live there yet. Hobby like Cooper, bye saw this or do you just like have it out of the open? Now that what have you love? Seem for. What about for you Kayla? Would something surprising. You've found out about Lavina other than that. She loves your button wants to move. I think that's actually the most surprising thing. Never. I I don't I don't consider myself naive or like prudish by strips imagination. But like hearing about men who love heterosexual men who love women touching or interacting with their butts all blew my mind to have a partner who actually is into that has been like really strange, man. I think that it just proves the point that sex is not one size fits all. But for some reason we hear their these commonalities, right? Like men love getting there, but played with and women love it when you play with their Clint or their G-spot, and everybody's so different. Like, our bodies are physically different. So how can we expect that this is something we can apply to everyone? I will just announce right now, I'm not a big fan of oral sex receiving. I know, and it's my blowing a lot of my girlfriends are like what the fuck. I can only come when I'm receiving. And I can't it just it bothers me it interesting, and I cannot focus it actually, really bores me anytime. So it's good to get this out in. It's good to let your partner know that this is my body in this is why I'm unique you guys say in. In your Kickstarter video that obviously this journal has prompted that we've talked about it before. But you've also tapped into sex, therapists, psychologists, and relationship coaches, can you talk about that. How did you incorporate these experts we really wanted to lean on experts for can you validate this concept is this going actually help people are is there an opportunity for us to hurt people in our like ninety and then if it would be helpful to people can you look at the structures that were developing in give us some feedback on that in guidance in research that may support what we're doing? So we actually got feedback from a lot of different perspectives. I mean from neuro science says that writing in journaling makes a huge difference in opening up neuro pathways and helping people connect B president and develop new habits to. Sex therapists, saying like yes by the time couples get to us like often, they're really struggling. So I wanna see more preventative tools and second like we level. You're developing in the simplicity of it. So we want to give this to our to our clients. What was the most interesting piece of advice or like findings that you had for one of them? I think what stands out the most to me is is the validation. Is that everyone we again, like, we're not sex, therapists. We are not experts. We just we started this practice on our own for our relationship when we share what we were doing with these experts. They were like, oh, yeah. That makes sense. That's it really shows. It comes back down to two communication connection. Something I found super fascinating is when we started sharing this project. We were just like who resonates with this. He wants to try it like what sage relationship you are. And like how they see a tool like this benefiting their lives in like, we asked people felt a really simple form and tell us why they wanted to use it and send them a mini copy. And I noticed that we heard back from a lot of new parents who were starting to struggle in their relationships because of body changes. Reg was really wrecked like they did not expect. What being a new parent men now is really dramatically impacting their intimacy. So they were like reaching out to us and really wanted.

00:30:02 - 00:35:02

Try the journal, and they found it super helpful and a few months after this test. I think just a few months ago, we connected with the sexologist to like for me as a woman gave me a really interesting. Perspective on that relationship that we like Hon really dived into with the people who tested the journal yet, which was that especially for new mothers. There's a very interesting phenomenon in heterosexual couples where new mothers are put in this like non sexual category, even their partners. There's this really challenging dynamic to navigate which is like simultaneously. My body's really different it really hurts. My hormones are all over the place and my partners treating me differently. How do I build my relationship? So not fascinating. Because when I first learned of your sex journal, I thought it's really for new couples, you know, in the beginning of a relationship, you're just trying to get to know each other. What you like? But it's really at phases of a relationship. Reusing the same journal. I was gonna ask like Wendy think it's more difficult to do because I could see like a relationship. You're like, no this. I I'm not fully comfortable. But then someone like that you've had a lot of history with like, you're like, are you might already know you'd think they already know what you like. So there is like that like side of things that you don't want to be offensive or all of that. What your thoughts on win? We actually it's funny. We had a when we put that post up about the survey we have one person on our Instagram who commented say something like what could you all possibly know? Like, you're you're young you've been dating for a year baron like what could you possibly have the offer? Like, I have a child of been married for a number of end before we even saw that comment someone else completely random responded to their common and said, well, what do you have to lose? I mean like, yeah. If you try this out, what could you possibly find out about yourself about your partner about your sex life? And that person the first person responded again like at actually great point and tried the journal out a week or two later came back to us. They were like holy shit. Like, I totally learn something new I totally learning hadn't seen before. So I I all. I think that we're we're constantly changing human beings into there's always an opportunity for growth. But when is it too early to? I mean, obviously, you're not going to do like a tender one. I stand like. Like. Tell me about performance was. Yeah, he never. It's random. We've had people like actually say they want to do that. Like, I. With on a first date at the I was not that's too early. Yeah. I mean, not we started about a month into a relationship. We've had I've I've personally talked to people who are in their sixties seventy at every stage of life like there's something different day to day things change. And so having a habit like this is an investment in your connection to yourself and your sexuality and also investment sexuality in your connection. Your relationship you spin it instead of being like there's something wrong with our side. We needed journal. What would you suggest say? Yeah. Well, I think you know, the really are two kinds of couples primarily that end up being interested in the Donal. There are people for whom like they're struggling and they need help. Definitely a lot of the parents that we talked to her like, we're not in a good place on the other. Couple that we talked to are like we're having amazing sex like we love all kinds of things like let's do this. And for both kinds of like at the end of the day. You gotta look at while you're in the relationship you or in this relationship to have something great in your life, rightly no-one no-one enters and stays in a relationship to have it sock to have your religion great. It takes work. I always recommend approaching it from. Hey, I really wanna have an amazing connection with you. And I found this great tool that can make a difference. And let us check in and begin to experiment with what works for us. And what we wanna stop doing? Would you be up to give that a shot if you're partners as yes amazing? If you earners, maybe it's all conversation rate. You can snow him one entry tested out. And if it doesn't work, it doesn't work you. That's fine. If your partner says, no like we've had some people who've tested highlight versions the journal in comeback. Since said, hey, I brought up with my partner.

00:35:02 - 00:40:02

They. Said known. We broke up because I realized we're on different pages about how committed we were to this yet at the end of the day. It's like another version of expressing your needs. One of the things I think always comes up is that sexism barometer for the overall relationship in the importance of sex, please into the happiness of the overall relationship and the importance of communication sex plays into communication in the overall relationship. How do you think journaling has impacted your relationship? Overall the way that we are communicating our sex life in outside of our sex life is at a level that only either of us ever, really experienced. It's a law fun it. We're having a lot of fun with each other and not taking things. So seriously. I think it's almost like this what's underneath of the things that like fun and the playfulness in like exploration adventure. Like what's underneath that is really deep level trust probably discovered. This in the first few months. At took us awhile articulated having experience of like writing gown, something that is so terrifying to you and reading it out loud to a partner in having them say, okay, will what can we do with? That is so transformative that has become one of the primary experiences one of the Hiller of this whole project. Like, we always always always wanna give people that experience of being able to share something really vulnerably that they didn't think they could share and have people receive it. And I think that builds the steep trusts gives people permission and has really given me permission to be my full self in this relationship in our sex life. And sometimes that looks really stupid zillion other time like like serious and playful on adventurous, I have total freedom because in case, you didn't know where in some sort of sex drought right now. So Cording to this article on the Atlantic. There's numerous research studies to point to the fact that people are having less sex, especially millennials and people who are having sites are having a lower frequency of sex and heart of the reason in this article, there's so many different reasons for about one of them would be that people just are so accustomed to having media ker sex that they kind of soon be alternative is better, which is like masturbation watching porn or playing video games or being on social media. 'cause you get more satisfaction from that in. I think the reason why we are in the sex drought. That were in is because we don't know what good sex is. I don't think I think a lot of us don't sit down and with our thoughts and think what is good sex was that actually good sex. Did I enjoy it it about you, Julie? But after sex, I'm always so compelled to talk about it. I always wanna talk about it. And I feel like most of the time. I partner is like. I just wanna sleep you wanna think right now. But there's something about that connection of post Quaeda l- like you're just like trying to be vulnerable and try and talk about like, this is something we just shared just between the two of us and less about like, what was so amazing and wasn't the that conversation isn't being had. But now with journaling you can have it more like in your own thoughts of handwriting it, and then you can share with your partner, which I think will help with a sex drought. I'm really hoping I think that's a good segue to takeaways said love to discuss kind of to some of our overall thoughts about this whole conversation is sex is a part of every aspect of a relationship. So I say this because a lot of people like to separate sex from everything else. So it's like all our relationship is really great war were not having sex. But our other aspects are great. And that's not really the case. I think sex. Really infiltrates every other aspect of your your relationship as well as your purse, your personal and professional lives too. I think when you're really connected to your partner, you're having amazing sex you're killing at work to and you're having deeper conversations in relationships with your friends and family because it does open you up and make you more vulnerable in more eager to share. So I think might take away is even if you don't do the journaling it is just about communicating more of your alike, and what makes you feel good. Yeah. I think my takeaway is like there's been so many times on the show even that we've talked about being vulnerable. And what does that mean in a relationship in? Sometimes we will be like I have sex vulnerable. Yeah. But then other times, I'll be like, what's an example of like a way, I might communicate. I think there is somewhere in the middle. That's a hybrid loved the points of the fact that you got better communicating with your partner about sex trade.

00:40:02 - 00:45:02

Slated other areas of your relationship. More just like open communications, we can have up things uncomfortable. Whether at Saks, whether it's needs in other areas of your relationship, the more the overall relationship seems rive or you can make the steps to me. Yeah. Yeah. And we should start talking about sex more and stop substituting that word sex with something else like doing the dirty deed or live bang in. No, like say sex by can we talk about sex the way, we talk about getting coffee. It needs to be normalized, and we shouldn't be ashamed of the sex were having yet. And I love the fats like how it kinda brought DAT. Made you guys more aware of your personalities like the fact that you guys did those dates that you're to'rest like you don't have that conversation. Like, maybe what of you would have been like, oh that can be fun. But you'd might have been scared to bring it up to your partner 'cause you'd be like that dumb. Or are they gonna laugh at me like all of that the more you're like just? Out of the open about what turns you on. What turns you off what you wanna try. What you don't wanna try think you just get on the same page and see what those shared experiences could be that really would excite both the and do you guys takeaways? I know you did the whole thing. But anything from this conversation, Ernie parting words to folks, I think someone said this to us the other day in it like really struck me. So she's at does after hearing what I said about how my work started shifting because of the way that our sex was shifting. She said if you can speak up in the bedroom, you can speak up in the boardroom. Ooh. Yeah. It's so good, isn't it? So it's not gonna. Yeah. It's not just like if you speak up in sacks your relationship, transform sexist power. So if you can speak sex, you can start to speak up everywhere else in your life. I really like that because it is helping you to practice verbalizing your needs, which is something we can. All work on hopefully, Caleb, any thoughts from you. Obviously. Like, I communist will leave it at that. Because like I tr- I'm truly still basking in that in that quotas. Well, will add though is you sit like the level of playfulness that can exist in sex is my I've really gotten to see that over the last year in its mid sex such an amazing thing such an amazing thing to to experience quick question. Where do you keep your sex journals kids'll you that? This is you come over to our house, and you're gonna look for it. Your grandkids one day. Find them. No, they're on their on bookshelf in our room. He said your old journals are somewhere on the house, right? How long do you think it would take to find them? 'cause I love for each of you to read random page from each other's journal. I gotta take a quick look. Hang on for out. Okay. Okay. Oh, yeah. We got it. Chess his wall each read one of our injury Serret on each other's which yes, which journals flip to a random page. So L offend so much Cutie with my dick tonight might her body was incredibly sensitive beyond blissed out really feel her when she was on top his chickens fresh entities. When she was on top. And again in a totally different way. When I was probably handwritten journal, right? Okay. I could really feel her when she was on top. And again in a totally different way. When I was we finished us an hard n it out. That's. Out of romance novel right there live here yours. Yeah. Is that going to be like a haiku? Knowing we have a time limit before we split for a bit didn't really work for me today. I have been slowing down want. Some of that time with Caleb physically quickey didn't feel in my vibe. So it took me some time to shift spaces. I love feeling calebs body in skin the skin contact also love how much he loves dirty talk. Interesting. Thank you for those pages to be Sifford long entries. Just like enough to where it's really like white. You're feeling the most in that moment is the like most powerful thing for your money here all the stuff beyond that as for like your. I don't know like loosely connected to it. And like that what we just read is the jumping off point for the conversation. Yes. That's the first thing that each of us wrote.

00:45:02 - 00:47:20

And then we talk about what what we shared. So that I mean, look. Those interests could spark a twenty minute conversation. Now, the conversation take notes, I'm Jay. Little as like ten minutes. Sometimes we've had like beer, very long discussions fascinating. We'll thank you so much. How was super interested and for people who want to get their hands on the sex journal where can they go you can find us at a sex journal dot com and at a sexual on Instagram, Twitter, and awesome, Bab Yalies? Thank you guys so much again for sharing your love life with us. I'm jealous for all the cosmic sex you've been having I will I will have out of this world sex, very soon. Bye journaling. Anybody who's who's interested in being guests on our show? We love to invite you on especially if something related to sex wanna talk about sex get us out of the sex drought. The niece of stop. So just contact us at dateable podcasts dot com. Okay. We wrap this up. Stay on your action item for this week is to implement regular check ins with either your partner or people you're dating make it a habit to communicate with the people in your life on what's working. What's not? And what could be improved and part of that discussion could be what goes on in the bedroom. The more we can check in with the people were involved with the war were able to get our needs met as well as their needs. And wouldn't that spiel wonderful world want to continue the conversation? I tag in any post hashtag, stay dateable, then head on over to our website dateable podcast dot com there you'll find all the episodes as well as article videos and our coaching services with vetted industry experts. You can also find our premium y series where we dissect analyze and offer solutions so some of the most common dating conundrums to connect with us. Find dateable podcast on Facebook, Instagram and Twitter. We're also downloadable on Spotify. I teams and other podcast platforms. You're. Feedback is valuable to us. So don't forget to leave us a review on I two and most importantly, remember to stay dateable.

Dateable Podcast
Yue Xu & Julie Krafchick

Is monogamy dead? Are we expecting too much of Tinder? Do Millennials even want to find love? Get all the answers and more with Dateable, an insider’s look into modern dating that the HuffPost calls one of the ‘Top 10 podcasts about love and sex’. Listen in as Yue Xu and Julie Krafchick talk with real daters about everything from sex parties to sex droughts, date fails to diaper fetishes, and first moves to first loves. Whether you’re looking to DTR or DTF, you’ll have moments of “OMG-that-also-happened-to-me” to “I-never-thought-of-it-that-way-before.” Tune in every Wednesday to challenge the way you date in this crazy Dateable world.